Joe Rogan Experience #1954 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience It was a pretty fucking sick lineup. Yes. I'll tell you right now. You're just self-examining. At the end of the night, I'm pretty loaded, and he comes up, and he was like, thanks for bringing me. you're that's if there's careers that i've looked at and wanted to emulate it's him a tell you know That Blue Collar Comedy say does steve harvey know this that your wife has a crush on him? Oh, she has no idea.

3:40 greatest. Leigh-Anne's obsessed with him. That's amazing. Yeah, this fucking lineup is. I don't like that stupid shit like that. Oh, did he? You're talking about like, I think George Lopez is like even older than Ralph's parents probably reason i don't know he's funny as shit yeah he's funny as fucking shit yeah it's you know that's the I'm never going to be like you one day.

6:48 No one else is famous. gets the attention. You look at Mark Norman and Shane Gillis. I love that you went to the Mullet Arena. He's like a fucking vagabond. We would all get together at the store. and we'd talk to each other he had to get the fuck With me, it's girls with giant asses doing squats. I like I'm sturdy. woman too now yeah i can imagine dating a girl who's 20 now like what what are you talking about

10:04 Like, these people do not know who the fuck Still knew all the same references whereas my daughter and I do not they don't know anything that I've ever lived or experienced and then they'll say things to me I knew those songs. With these kids, they're getting inundated constantly. It was this fucking awesome car. Yeah. To kids, when I was in high school, like, a 55 Chevy was like this old classic.

13:24 It's a 25 year old car. It's your mom's car. This is insane. So I was a freshman in high school and my mom had had it for quite a while. Look at that fucking car. That should be a project that you get behind. It's weird. Technology from like a 1961 car to a 1971 car, if I'm not mistaken, the 71 car starts having automatic windows and an automatic trunk that locks down.

16:00 Yeah. Yeah, those cars are not fast. It would be wild if it was, but they would lose all that sound. fucking creepy. Dumb conversations. Are the f1 cars loud? Yeah, they're loud as fuck. Yeah, they're loud as fuck. I mean but Yeah, I own a Tesla, the plaid one. You're gonna fucking kill yourself. Yeah, but the thing is you can drive slow and it's it's very easy to drive calm

19:28 Yeah. Big, fat, veiny cock. Well cared for cock. Thick and soft. I got it because of the interior. Fuck. You sit in there. I can smoke a cigar in there. That's what car I have. I don't know the type it is, but it's a Mercedes. I got it because of the interior. By the way, money might be fake now. It's at least two, correct? And so a bunch of Silicon Valley. Yeah. This is like 2008 all over again i don't know see this is part of the problem with

21:17 where everyone's going to fucking doubt if the fucking thing collapses prime minister or whatever, dictator. No. He changed the names of the months. No, because they eat bones. But I get, I'm obsessed, man. Was it on the podcast? You'd be shocked. Yeah, DeStefano. Yeah, history is fascinating when you think that it'll never repeat itself again. and he was fucking terrified.

24:30 It was beautiful. Because it was, you know, are you going to build? before the 2008 collapse he just realized like man the real victims of all that financial malarkey the real victims of all that fucking I'm like, oh, my dick gets hard. Oh, yeah, it was very fun. We should be really clear. like south by and I went oh shit I said oh what's the show tonight and they go Freddie Gibbs he does

27:13 I was like, nobody. This is the Freddie Gibbs guy I'm going to be winded fucking telling you the story me what I'm doing wrong. Like, tell me Eight. How much time do they do? So it's two hours before you even get on stage? What's the gorge? Oh, wow. Yeah. It's like, we can rise together from the ashes of mankind and build our own utopia. I think it is but we're just gonna

29:54 Big J is the last time And then we have a party bus. And get in our buses. We're like we're done Yeah. Yeah. Last night was the funnest night of my life because it was all new material. like i gotta come up something right and so i i started doing this material in this drive-in movie theater. Didn't you get that idea from Eliza Schlesinger? Yeah, she invited me to her 40th birthday i think she had

33:26 I wanted to know a place I can move at least 12,000 tickets. I would be fucking dead in the water water the live one's an interesting choice because Written and he's gonna hone it over a year before he releases it. Yeah, like what a terrible wouldn't know what to do yeah it would It would kind of drift off, and people would forget about it. There's no there's very little independent thought it's all groupthink

36:54 crazy it didn't even make sense it wasn't even proportionate to what he fucking mind? What is wrong most people. And I had to sign up for a new Twitter account. They're just lying on their back with their pants off. He was on fire. He was on fire. My viral clips are me laughing at fucking people falling down. Have you seen it? Oh. The meme of the lady getting her eyes washed out by Clorox.

40:00 They said this is China's collection room for sperm bank. Oh, so it's not really... Like that? You'd be shocked. Yeah. I guess here's the tweet that Jordan made. This is somebody else talking about it oh just ironically read unironically retweeted a video of bdsm male milking dungeon in the uk claimed to be footage of Yeah, don't welcome that in your life.

42:27 That's fucking hot. Everybody's got their thing. I do understand. Yeah, they're CEOs. it and tells us it's like mostly these very, very wealthy business owners and CEOs and these like buttoned down guys. And then they what they They put 10-pound weights on my balls. Totally fucking naked. Started moving it around inside the latex. She was like, what?

45:41 The massage videos where it was a woman. I think it might have been Nikki Glaser. She's on gangbang videos. I don't want to watch it. You just hoping to show up where anybody could fuck this person. Oh, you just pile in I What if we turn the strap-on backward like tails and we fuck her backwards? We're not even looking This recently? She and Tom goes wait. How would you do that? She goes? I take you guys over there

48:19 He's like, oh, what's up? that's a fucking weird world it is it is you know some people are into golf there was a doc i was i wanted to bring understand getting herpes but there was that there's this thing that was going on for a while There's going to be 600, I think, is what the end of the day is. Because it was a movie about it. The Houston 500 was the... Right but that's not the one with the smart lady. The smart lady was there was a documentary

50:35 Why? broken inside her brain. Maybe that Well, I'm not going to, I won't kink shame her. Well, rough sex, the thing that scares people is rough sex is the next door neighbor to violence. Annabelle Chong's and understanding about her life. I would think, yeah, don't wait until you really love each other Do you really want. That fucking story you tell is so funny.

53:25 That was a good one. it so it was fun i saw christina do that too she did that the creek really it's right after her I don't know if, you can't explain this to everyone, There's an intimacy in the club that makes fucking around a different thing. Arena timing's different. If you told me, I would never imagine you told me I would I would never imagine

55:36 you do you definitely deserve it and you know it's not like so many people deserve it no it I fucked up. Cause I just was like, fuck comics. They're're crazy. Well I knew that you had had some bad experiences Band. We were at the nice. Like something's going on. He needs something. He wants Greatest guy in the fucking world. and then that It was like an overwhelming voice in my head was like, you got to get this guy to quit that fucking show.

58:30 maybe now you can hear that advice and connect to where I am today and going, okay, he's got a movie coming out, i watched dane you know i'm very i'm 100 honest so if it bothers anyone what I'm about to say, I'm fine. Yeah, it means something to me like I'm so like when I do the Boston Garden. I fucking I Is anyone else upset by this? A lot of estrogen.

1:00:58 No, what happens is your motivation shifts your motivation shifts from this undesirable this this unstoppable They know that I'm working does that make sense the second you see your peers stop working, and I won't say their names It's being in them and recognizing. I don't have an HBO special. You got to be healthy and don't just think about it when you get sick, because when you're healthy,

1:04:16 i woke up this morning we well i partied pretty hard last night but uh i woke up this morning and I give you advice. Because once you start taking that accountability, you go, well, then now it's time to right Then this is the morning you get you wanted to come home that it's hard to do but you have to still do it and if you could force yourself to do it it's better it's that simple it's like really all in in that form and you also

1:06:35 don't immediately join a fucking CrossFit class and blow your back out. If not, there's tons of YouTube videos. Yeah, sure. All right, go piss. Someone was asking me about that. He showed up. when I was in Green Bay. any cage Yeah, don't say that. That's it. Or whatever. And I'm like, oh, wow. That's how tom gets in these bands with these celebrities so i text back

1:09:45 Now I want to know what the fuck he said. Yes, I fucking love a cigar. I knew you would. Did you hear think he'd tell me he'd tell you, but almost guarantee. Do you want a cigar? Yes, I fucking love a cigar. That motherfucker's going down. It's Bobby Kelly. I don't know. what else you weren't? Really? of watch people. I was like, what's the difference?

1:12:01 the moon phase watches yeah those moon phase watches like so i i Everybody loves that. And he's like, have you seen, Rolex has a moon phase watch. I don't I don't I'm not thoughtful person so I get showers and pools right Instead, I just look at my watch, and it shows me. and she was like, respect, it it's a gift and enjoy it for at hey man, I need to give you some

1:14:50 we were doing it out of there. And Leanne just fucking went off the reservation one day and It's a great house. Even top this current one you have now is next fucking level. Because Stan Hope has everything in-house. She put her podcast studio in there. married a chick that I jerk off to. I love her. Yeah. But... And so I look at her life and I go, I'm so glad.

1:17:47 Oh, Jesus. the problem with him, so I don't even see me as fat now My shoulders look fucking awesome. She was just like this, like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? We said later and think that you know whatever that's what action that you get is normal that you deserve it or that you're special Socrates? Yeah, that's kind of what it is. And really beautiful people are like genetic royalty.

1:20:55 is who tim dylan is is because of course it didn't and nothing came easy to him yeah And so he had to form a brain that could talk circles around fucking any of those. You're so vain, Carly Simon. It's a great hang. You're doing it really right. See if you can find a non-live version. By the way, she looks like she could swallow Mike Tyson's fist with that mouth.

1:22:38 As you watched yourself abide The last thing you want to do is break up with Carly Simon and have her write a song about you that's awesome. You just get different. I'd hit it. It sucks. a little bit of a thick nose I bet you got it done go to the older one go to the older one Bro, those boobs are off the charts. How old was she in 71? like a titty peptide

1:25:35 Oh, no. We'll probably sell this shit. I know a lot of people. Year old article 12 years old okay, so it says an active recommendations 2% and facial redefining or breast firming Love steroids. I know it's not steroids, but I think it is I love it. Are you on windstraw? I don't know You feel it almost immediately. No, no, you've reintroduced testosterone to your system.

1:27:56 But as far as how you feel, and she goes, let me take your blood. And I'm like, I don't want to deal with either of these guys right now. These are the fucking two fucking North Stars are sitting together, The cholesterol medicine cholesterol and sugars. But. It's not true. Because it feels good to eat. With provolone cheese with the sauce and you're biting into it.

1:30:43 we were in tamp with, I brought and we take batting practice and I hit a fucking But I literally was like, I hung out with Wade Boggs and fucking Derek Brooks and all these pro athletes and I was like, hit a fucking home run today. Yeah, you do. but i might have and i said actually I think and he goes I know where I was sitting when I saw Nirvana play.

1:32:48 would I cheat myself out of a memory that I And he goes, let's call him up. So I call John Dacre. Oh, you see the concert with? I go, John Dacre and Brent Bracken. And he goes, let's call him up. opened. And I went, I'm done. Bible got written the Bible got written it's based on oral stories that lasted It's not very willy nilly. You really read it?

1:34:46 Because the letters are also numeric so like the letter a is also the number one King. It's been very bizarre. What's the one about the – what's the book about the people from Portugal coming down the coast of Africa? Am really good at concentrating on things that I'm interested in for real It's always time management. I just would like to team up with him at the end of the night and go, what did you do today?

1:37:41 For real? reel we're gonna show you the first this is uh this is all about being gay and it's just like So you'd see dudes holding hands. me, that's when I first ever heard homophobia. and my cousin Jenny said, had AIDS and another uncle said you're not gay are you and I was like I don't know tell me I And then, and I know I'm straight because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked it.

1:40:24 Yeah, like I. so no and the guy's grabbing for my reading glasses Oh, that's funny. How are you possibly stuck? So hold on. This is my theory. What was Cleopatra of the Nile? Was NPR. Well, then I also don't mind a little bit of tying up, told what to do so quick now now what we're getting to is the this is the penultimate Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

1:43:26 before she walked in. What do you think of my new kitty box? Struggle sand. Struggle sand. Now, mind you, Jo, look at the artwork in struggle sand. Struggle sand. The Brady Bunch reminds you of sex? Right here, when her tits hit the... She's got some giant-ass areolas. You're talking over the best part. Look, and they know how to milk the thing. Like, for whatever reason,

1:45:23 Only time will tell. There's a bunch of them? It's all her sinking in sand. You're going to have to hide that from the general public. Is this the same lady? No. By the god, where'd my clothes go? Yeah. Is it the same lady? That's not quicksand. But it's interesting that you don't have a why he was gay because I remember seeing Wonder Woman That fucking bums me out.

1:47:38 Because when we were, it was almost like- I think some people are curious, but I think a lot of people are just born gay. But the difference is that, you know, like LBGT rights, which is so weird that they're all connected together, right? Yeah, yeah. My stepdad was going to college there. trying to work out about um about I tried to do it last night a little bit on stage

1:49:59 Oh, yeah. When I was a kid is when Adam Walsh got kidnapped. Because there's fucking dinosaurs that will eat you. protected back then my point was when I went from San Francisco where I lived in And I remember he threw the newspaper down on the kitchen table. cultural beach balls that get tossed around at a concert where people just throw a thing around.

1:52:23 You got distracted. When you distract the person being pranked and go, you're watching the prank, when the government's coming at him from the other way going, That it's a common characteristic. Everybody does. I think I told you this. luis j gomez posted a video about bernie shob and and i didn't like it was bothered me because i He's a fucking marcher.

1:55:10 What the what's interesting about the internet is freedom? wouldn't you take a picture? it's a twitter thing too Like I told you, I got back on the Twitter because your fucking goddamn tweet, your goddamn fucking thing hit me up at, what was my name? Oh, Jesus Christ. Chinese robot dick-sucking machines that aren't really. And I obviously, if not the reason I got into stand-up one of the two reasons

1:57:33 You know, I've heard people say, I heard people talking shit about Chris's special. Reignited the old Chris Rock that doesn't give a fuck, but Chris was a smaller dude growing up in Brooklyn. I've told you about a few slaps, but I've been slapped a bunch, Yeah, then we became comics, picked on. I just learned how to fight. No one can be you, right?

2:00:03 motherfucker people are gonna go he drank this whole bottle no. Misremember? I've been there, motherfucker. People are going to go, he drank this whole bottle. of people throwing up on tables? I'll show you private videos. people to drink with. If Ari had wish ari had any i love you ari i love you i wish he had any accountability in his life even maybe

2:01:36 Look at that watch. What do you want him to do? No. When you get married, and I'm sure you're going to understand this, I get it. He wrote something shitty about Georgia on Instagram, and it was mean, and it fucked up our vacation, as fuck and Ari walked out behind her goes how can I apologize it was a joke it was a joke and I was It's like Slash used to connect poison and snake.

2:04:24 I'm like, like dad what's wrong He's the best. I've been friends with Ari since he was a door guy. I have no idea. Got to fly Joey out for this club. When you're alone by yourself in some city, even if you're doing stand-up, You don't get this often. Mark Smalls is in there. We're all in there, We'll find out. I get stuck in rooms where I or I'm the person that

2:07:42 Got to a place where maybe I maybe I'm putting myself in the room Jamie, he was talking a lot. It's fucking amazing. She's really funny. Yeah, it. She's very funny. She's really funny. You're connected to a lot of tech people and very strange entertainment people. because I don't want you know I want everyone to feel comfortable that's funny that's up yeah

2:09:38 Right. That's who you love. Let me tell you something. My daughter has teenage friends and the way they talk. many fucking distractions that people have there's cultural distractions there's peptides. Come on, son. I go, what are you talking about? And I go, well, Bert, what do you think when all these people are dying? He's pretty happy. I would love to introduce him to one of my two dogs and see if they go, hey, who's your dad?

2:13:14 Well, he doesn't know that that can't be the alternative. He doesn't know that not only that there's a lot of evidence Yeah, Ancient Apocalypse. it's correlated with uh data that shows about these asteroid impacts and so randall carlson And because they're doing it for hours and hours, it's like constant and continuous. meaning like not a 15-minute term but like not a 15 minute trip, but multiple hours at a time. And they're coming back

2:16:58 There's so many religions that talk about the afterlife. I mean, I get that you would want to It's too much. Just get through this like is the is the universe older than we think it is like there's all this new I don't think it ends either. Listen to this. Get to hang out in Mitzi's room Like for some people, that makes them freak out. I came back.

2:20:19 Yeah, but if it's like Groundhog's Day Groundhog's Day he ends unhappy, but if you end up happy yeah I mean, no. Yeah, but why? that you go I wonder what would have happened yeah I wouldn't if you want to if you want to I said, really? I would have never had kids. But I took it as you were accurate. Yeah, but I don't think I would have. It was like how Ari got a job because I used to have just one guy that had taken the road with me.

2:23:27 Joey's the first one to start handing out mushrooms to everyone. It's time to pull the car over. He's laying out on the grass, staring at the sky. Give me a hotel room. We usually drive six hours a night, four hours a night. It's like he's in- I value restorative sleep. Ah, you'd love it, Joe Rogan. A lot of similarities, Do you take days off from working out?

2:25:54 You know when I get really tired in the sauna. I know I heard her going on My one daughter got it first, and then my wife got it, and then my second daughter got it. just warm up with uh 35 pound swings and i do 10 swings each arm then i do 10 clean and presses I wonder if I'm going to be positive. But that same feeling, if I get that now, I know I never push through it.

2:28:00 That's it. work out. Maybe take it easy. I mean, I should be a doctor now. And they were testing every day. but I look better than I look today. Fucking stay away. tested positive and I knew I had COVID. I could feel it. It happens right here on the left side if you always hold yourself accountable. And you had COVID. We went skiing in Park City. You know, what is that thing that they do down there?

2:31:32 I went snowboarding. And so I woke up and I was like, And I was like, God damn it. And, but I have to wake up with an accountability of going, you wanted to party, you got to work out. Tell that to Cam Haynes. Yeah, don't do that. Can I tell you why I like Cam Haynes? I did the forward to it. and I'm similar to that. And they're not trying to pinpoint your weaknesses.

2:34:02 For real? And if you let it get deep into your body. have to retire from fighting because his lungs were fucked up from COVID so Leanne had long COVID Well, when you're sick, you don't rebuild. So then, so I'm curious about your actual motivations. Yeah. Like I've talked about what I've done before. But for my head, it's better to not. because if that's how it works for you it should work but i am curious is like uh i've done we like when we did the hundred push-ups a perfect example

2:37:53 I don't want to do that. and you were forced to do fucking three. He's- He did something so fucking, for a for a runner so powerful is that he's That's good. That's what I do. you understand I'm a crazy person have a heart attack I go fucking hard. You try to have a hard attack. And then you were like, I think I might rip my pack. I don't bench. I do pushups and I do dips and I do chin-ups and I do pull-ups with the- I do those L pull-ups where I grab the bars like this and I keep my legs extended in front of me and I do them like this.

2:41:21 Those L chin-ups. I tore my MCL, and then I kept training with this torn MCL, that you're healing and then you kick really hard, it's like, it just never heals. It would It wasn't until recently that I don't think about it at all now. All that blood flow. I go 50, and they're like, bullshit. cheat code i do 50 every morning because i do 50 squats 50 push-ups i do i try to keep them active

2:44:11 I've gained an inch on my arm. pythons all i want is someone to watch a special and go he looks jacked well one person's gonna do The only thing I do, the only thing I do. How long ago did you take this picture? That's how I feel about the banks right now. I thought he was, I still think he makes me go there now and then. I went, yeah, you're right.

2:46:01 Fucking. That's what they would call the liquor store The packy. We had to go to New Hampshire. These lanes suck. That's how you don't get a DUI. And it like went under the seat. sober i'm like come on come on you know i'm this is interesting. It's like they're trying to check me to see, but I know I'm sober. I'm like, come on. And they let me go. I brought a glass one-hitter.

2:48:46 I'm going to, it's my first time on a tour bus. I don't know how lights work. Drop the glass one hitter, it shatters. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. And he goes, you mean hypothetically, like say someone had a glass one hitter in their bathroom, shattered it, tried to throw it in the toilet and didn't flush it? I was like, yeah, I brought drugs.

2:50:29 You're not selling a vape pen. Yeah, promote the movie. Look at me. But there's a Marine that's in jail over there. Some sort of classified information That's what he's like. Oh, for real? be saved talks continue on exchange of u.s ex-marine held in russia so this is december 8th He's got legit judo. Because if anything, do you know the story about Robert Kraft in the football, in the Super Bowl

2:53:00 Dude, that's a different kind Just be a different person now. I still want to meet Kim Jong-un. After he called him a little rocket man, you're supposed to do that. No matter what, it's like, I may talk shit. Obviously, not one When I had you owned me park on and she explained how she got out of North Korea when she was 13 Everybody's starving then the government controls the food distribution and if you try to take more in your share you get killed. It's

2:56:56 But that's the problem with, like, shaking hands with a dictator. It's just what people do when they get in control. Look at what people try to do to stop criticism on Twitter. mitigate that. And over time no, no. That is a fucking, that's a sheep costume that the wolf wears and the wolf is control. You can't question – Like, I don't... I mean, it sounds to me like it happens everywhere.

3:00:17 over our shoulder that's unprecedented it's gonna sound super naive there are no russian podcasts Yeah, for real. The war in Ukraine threatens to make them a reality. Soization of the web have been gaining momentum. The war in Ukraine But you know 4chan 4chan tells it exists if the government's controlling it, you know For sure, our government does that. There's not a chance in hell they don't. Not a chance in hell

3:02:59 You ever read that? and for people that were trying to acquire natural resources. that is not what it seems to the majority of people, to the majority of the people. I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of the Brown Brothers in 1909 to 1912. And it's like, we've been doing it this way forever. fucking ever forever and every now and again we forget forget. And we get naive. And we're like, they wouldn't fuck us again.

3:06:52 We're going to hit you with a criminal fine. anti-inflammatory medication we fined them yeah but how much did they make they made more money than you find them? Yeah, that's a big one. 2.3 billion in criminal and civil fines. is like uh I don't know fuck it I don't care oh we gave up I gave up I gave up I'm not going to So they fucked with their emissions.

3:09:28 Oh, was it? Whoopsies. that would tell you comps you fucking liar give me the money you've been doing this to everybody like he he would do before I got to the club, Like I'm you know when you make an eye contact with someone and you know So that's my problem with everything I learned like I listen to you and Russell Brand and it was man He's amazing.

3:11:59 I would love for him to come into an argument with me and my wife and take my side. so many people. it's so cliche in Hollywood, in show business, but it's so rare. Yeah. I mean, you hear about it all the time in the news. busts people with crypto scams But now it seems like regular money's going south like what did you find, what's going on? Yeah. Are we poor? Are we fucked?

3:14:23 the underlying issue. But because of this, crypto has gone up. Really? Because 22 is the most valuable. You want to shoot a big thing, so you only have to eat one thing a week. shoot squirrels and rabbits and stuff. No, but 22 rifle You want something that can kill everything. Yeah. you kill a moose with and their heads explode And so like when they have them on ranches they kill them and they're shooting with a.50 caliber

3:16:47 You don't need that. Because if you shoot a deer with a 22 you're probably gonna wound it people will freak out at you yeah you know hold up the paw up a dead fish. No one cares. Try to hold up a dead deer. People will fucking freak out at you. Why did you kill Boo Boo? It's true. bear that doesn't eat any grass doesn't eat any vegetables no that didn thing drive? No, no. It's just a big steel box with cameras on it where the bear can smell this guy.

3:19:22 or a polar bear and a brown bear, or a polar bear and a grizzly bear or a polar bear and a brown bear or a polar bear and a black bear. Look at that. And I've done so much shit that I don't remember. Right, they don't. and you can't tell a bear take it at half speed you go hey we got it cut right let's go everyone For real? When you're an inch from a wall-

3:21:43 Oh, bro. How about a foot from the wall? Brimstone. The Machine. I got a cruise that's already sold out. I love you, too. Continue press.