Joe Rogan Experience #1957 — Shane Gillis Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. That was... I had to wear, during COVID, I got like a lake house, like right when it was starting. so i googled it i was like is pink eye're like, you know, we sampled 10 fucking Chinese guys. It was the very beginning. Were you doing that little club? Drunk ladies. We're here to drink margaritas. Yeah. here's what I've been thinking lately.

3:01 is just like the reality of people in their eyesight and people in their hearing and people in their brains is just like the reality of people in their eyesight and people last night. We were at dinner Yeah. I thought it was something. Now you can see I don't have lips. Yeah. You're a cop. Snake porn. Yeah, he did that on purpose. Yeah. Some guy with no lips. Just kept showing him fucking snake porn. He had this giant dude that's 100% Irish. Just watching guys fuck snakes. Some guy with no lips

5:19 fucking a snake, but fucking the snake It didn't seem like the snake was trying to get away. The snake was kind of getting into Who cares? Any... Interesting. It's illegal in four states. Hawaii, Wyoming, New Mexico, and West Virginia. West Virginia is still getting after it. Mr. Hands got fucked to death by a horse. You'll find it somewhere. Like, where is it going?

8:06 That video was a successful... All right. what the fuck happened? It's pretty sad. Instead he's getting butt-fucked by a horse. Yeah, I don't have any. Thank God. Luckily. Thank God. I dodged two molestation attempts. Really? Yeah. Two. What'd you dodge? yeah and this guy came up to me and he goes uh do you like monster books i go yeah and he goes oh i

11:40 It was this like Jamaica pond was this place we would go and fish. you know look he probably was like in his 60s and one day it's just me he went for it one day it's But he was like setting us up. He was mentally challenged, but he would always hang out around my high school. Everybody just listened to the guy sing the National Anthem. Oh, my God. He would go to games.

14:20 And we were little kids at the high school football game playing touch football. Every neighborhood has a guy. Yeah, I didn't even realize the other guy we had two guys the other guy was his You ever rub syrup all over your pants? Fuck it, dude. Everyone was off on that show. Because they're just like, yeah. The Jews have laws. I think if you're from rural India, you can fuck

17:00 still, like, 16 in some Yeah. And the reason for that is that's where the Catholic Church had moved a bunch of its priests. Fuck it. Why is consensual teen sex a crime in India? So it criminalizes all sexual activity by children under 18. Are they? I love you. Really? Isn't that like a thing? What the fuck are they going to do? How's that? You know how it is.

20:24 Can't we just use each other? You wish you were used? That's pretty neat. Yeah. with yeah but they're hot so you just you're attracted to them sexually yeah but the problem So that's 51% of men in 2019. So 34% versus 32% for women. Like, look at 18 to 29 for men. 28% are single Whoa It hurts way more than I thought. No. You're like god damn A hot girl

23:50 Yeah. God damn it. Everybody's just slinging dick. No, it's going to lead people to have sex with robots. Nice. juiced it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was water dripping, You don't want that in your life. Yeah. I was in a rough spot. It was the coldest room. And I was fucking a fleshlight in there. Just four YouTube views. Making them fun? the fleshlight and me like i don't even maybe it wasn't a ceo of the Fleshlight and me.

27:03 because in the beginning, it was just so ridiculous, like how it was run. Oh, we got boxes of them. So that was our first sponsor. He's an animal, man. I love what you're saying. I mean, he didn't do anything. I went, did I tell you this? Way more than I thought I took. Spencer Brown, yeah arcade games you got to give people like that some kind of distraction if

29:54 Thank God. that that that It's like a bridge to a peaceful civilization. like hamza chamayev says after his fights i fucking kill them all i kill them all His fucking – I get Chael Sonnen clips constantly. And he just kept taking Anderson down. Like, Ed Anderson and him, they fought at 85. the ground smashing him like there was that was that pretty sure that's how he broke his toe he

34:09 because after the Chris Weidman fight you know he had one controversial fight with glace and t-bow back in the day but i think it Up until one kick. And now all of a sudden he's flatlining people on the feet. Masvidal knocked out Darren Till, like Masvidal's a scary guy. Like he knew Ben was going to shoot. When you saw when Usman destroyed him I'm like wow

36:48 Yeah. see kind of like how good colby is and if kamaro's beating him like that and then Kamara was beating Leon Edwards for the most And then this weekend they're fighting again, which is so crazy, dude. Dude, that's going to be awesome, man. 10 seconds in, I was like, but that is not the cloth from which he is cut I mean that is a dejected There it is.

39:13 I don't think Leon knew that was coming. there's a video of his trainer you see he's like come on yeah come on leon yeah it's like a rock Come on, Leon. Feet as well. One more drink. Come on. That's great. Come on, f***. He's going to want this. Oh, really? Leon took him down in the first round. And Kamaru was such a good wrestler. Full mount. Watch his right knee.

42:29 that Chael Sonnen fight he's always has to tape his toes because his toe broke Oh, It was a brutal fight. How foot stomp him Yeah But I remember. Yeah. That was one of those where I was watching it. And he did it multiple times. Oh. over and over again. I just kept digging to his body. So the thing is, it's like, Stipe is not Cyril Ghosn. or maybe, but that fucking guy's been counted out

45:44 It's like an amazing... You ever see had submitted Cain Velasquez. Watch this fight. Because he thought he could get to him You know how skillful that is? I mean, that motherfucker is an athlete. Underrated. which I think for Francis Yeah. Running through a town. you can't zig when you should His power makes it a totally different thing that you're doing.

48:40 It's like, oh, no. You could like avoid some shots. That fucking power is so preposterous. He was patient and just, you know, being very tactical, Here's the interesting thing. Like, what if it became a more crucial part of his training, motherfucker dude he's the scariest motherfucker you know the meanest thing ufc's done what is Ba-bink. A guy who loves anime and can fucking love.

51:52 Who's the coolest guy? Connor. And he's real good friends with my friend Cam Haines. Just talked mad shit. You can be a scary freak and not talk. I'm the 155. That's what I was saying about that before. And he was fucking great. a good highlight. So you're not supposed to kill people in the Pro Bowl? And he said, and Chandler basically lifted him up with his wrists.

55:13 It's our last great. Football is so fucking cool. the other guy can say, yeah, but I can still beat your ass. And Louis can be like, yeah, at least I can do stand-up. It's like this expression of male dominance or female dominance. Yeah, they just flop to the ground. He just picked this guy up Oh Jesus Show me how he did that again. He hoisted him up in the air and just started walking with him.

57:53 So no fights happen when he's there, for sure, because he's the intimidator. Away. No. He just really wanted to carry me in the picture. And he wanted to carry me. It would have been very scary fucking one of her 16-year-old students. and she's talking to him you know i'm concerned because some girls are bad and you know sometimes Awesome. Traps is rough.

1:01:16 Yeah. Dude, a potato. They just want to be the pit bull want. Some girls like that. Like a nice slob, dude. A potato. Traps. She was like, they just bring people on stage and just... I was like, I don't want to put money... put it in your thing. It's pretty fun, there's at least a really good percentage of money Oh, my God. She was fucking dudes up.

1:03:20 And I was like, what the fuck? No. I like them bald Might have set you off Imagine fisherman Might have got you dude Might have set you off There's so many things Yeah yeah yeah it was like a biblical reference like some type of proverb where like you know so i was like yes No. Like, if you're, like, thinking about what job you want to have, and you're like, ah, it i'll just be a priest like if you're like thinking about what job you want to have and you're like i'll just fucking yeah be a priest some people

1:06:24 every once in a while you got to get hit with a dude at confession. You know the whole congregation's secrets. and it's going to be good. I think that's what I tell on myself. And I had this nun that was teaching the class. She would tell you that she's going to make you sit on a nail in the closet, and you better bring your pajamas because you're staying here tonight.

1:08:19 She's a nasty lady. kind of really weirded out because then i was thinking well if this is bullshit does this mean that like nobody knows nobody knows yeah do you remember that for the first time you realized that nobody Yeah. as i've gotten older i realized that it acts as like a scaffolding for behavior yeah of course every possibility you got to feel real weird oh yeah your life's fucking crazy it's hilarious yeah it's very weird yeah

1:11:29 You murdered last night man When I walked out That was a lot of people on the show too His, what was funny when he does that, Yeah. You introducing me and then going on. It was one of those hangovers where I was like, good. No. Danny Brown was very, very engaged. Doing it again tonight. Just have fun. It's a perfect club. It's good for you. Mm-hmm.

1:15:09 And when you take that away, it's like you kind of like as a good comedy gym, that's what you really want to reproduce. And people don't want to, for some reason, some comics don't want to think about that. Yeah, I don't want to sound corny, but, yeah, that's the thing you want. Yeah. No, we went to, what's it called? Wow. How many guys say, I'm with Dave, that aren't?

1:17:16 I was like, all right. jamie's usually not wednesday night he's ready to get rowdy thank god we didn't go back to the The problem if you don't do bedtime is you wake up too late, hit the dj bargatze has a funny bit about it of being a comic, and you wake up at like 11. So you wake up and the day is, you got 40 missed phone calls. But then you got to get going.

1:18:55 I've been doing the cellar totally sober. Get bored. Yeah, you gotta make small talk with another comedian sober. You gotta get into marijuana, son Now she has a story To go meet Dave Yeah When he was explaining, I was like, oh, shit, that's you, dude. to say I love you too and he's like oh no so Shane realizes in the middle of I was like there's nothing to be ashamed

1:21:29 Yeah, I'm playing it. It's so funny. Yeah, that's like. Yeah, that's not good. Like Sugar Sean O'Malley, there's like a love fest between me and Sugar Sean. it's no big deal you're a great interviewer it's just such a funny angle too just he's a super He's the best. 6'9". That's a bummer. I mean, it looked like he was out. You're like, oh, yes, dude.

1:24:50 He thought, Deontay thought the fight was over, right? And so then from that round on, Tyson Fury beat him. It's fun Tyson's's the funniest, man. I can't even disagree. A long long time ago You hear this fucking guy It's the longest song! He's singing for real. They always sing at soccer games. Well, those songs that they sing back, that's like back in the war days.

1:28:14 Stop Joe you know so much about history comedy in a really cool way thanks it's good like like that george washington thing i don't want to know how racist you had to be to like be in the south and wake up one day and be like wait they Whose joke is that? shoulder to shoulder and you watch your fucking dad get his head ripped off by a cannonball, you just got to keep being like, oh, fuck.

1:31:15 Can you fucking imagine? Can you imagine that people did this for some? Oh? You had to think of how much the British Army conquered in the world everybody everybody and Yeah. Like that's a silly way to fight a war right so how did they survive with those strategies? And then Bro, that is a motherfucker. Then they shot out the other side of the boat. You've got a floating wooden thing

1:35:00 Boom! It's so good I thought it was a video That's what I read. That's good. Yeah. How are they doing that? they would navigate. Imagine Yeah. It looks dope. For example, sighting the sun at noon or Polaris at night in the northern hemisphere to estimate latitude with sight reduction, sighting the height of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:38:18 Imagine back then when they just didn't know where they were and they thought they were in India. We're too dumb. That Cabeza de Vaca story. There's a harbor up this coastline. And they're like, all right, well, just half the party's going to walk, half the party's get on a sailboat or meet us at the harbor. There's a harbor up this coastline. Yeah, pretty fun.

1:39:51 And how about the Roman ships they find that sank with, like, a fucking billion dollars money you got all this stress you got a team of divers it's basically like a cbs drama show you Yeah. He then lost the gold. I can't remember where I put it. He might have found a lot, and he just didn't tell everybody he found. Yeah, see, it started back in, like, the 90s.

1:41:49 He's been in jail for 20 years. That's kind of why I know about it. No one's ready. Christ, bro, I can't do this. Look at that shit everywhere, dude. fuck, man? So this is the interview You have to tell me this, because I... Dude, she's so matter of fact the entire time. Imagine if this was fake. She's like, I'm going to take the fucking mold off, obviously.

1:45:31 gets in there this lady's eating all right so at the very end they're like we got to go in there Hold on, we get to that part at the very end. get defeated by a lady. he looks at her, and a guy imagine your brain yes yes i'm gonna go ahead back in there watch it's gonna be hard How is eating contaminated food a party? Dude. It's not like a happy ending of hoarders.

1:48:01 toilet paper? Remember that lady? Yeah, she was just chewing up toilet paper, and she said it was addictive. She takes them out for the camera. Oh, rat collection. Don't knock it until you try it. They eat with you. So as these people are all praying, like, dude, rats are everywhere. No. Let's see what this guy does he gotta have an explanation No, I'm here. Let's see what he says when they die. They're born as rats when a rat dies

1:50:14 They better knock it off. oh, it's peaceful. No, it's rat shit. No. That's pretty cool. Rhinos do it too. Dichne Oh I like those guys. He's doing this, like Mission Impossible style. In the rafters. They're so funny. Like, mission impossible style in the rafters they're so funny raccoons around yeah because they're not man. It's dope having raccoons around. Yeah. Because they're not real dangerous.

1:52:52 I like skunks, too. Yeah, a little fucking weasley looking. Possums are cool. Yeah, I like that they're smart. And that story of those students that captured a bunch of crows. Wow. There's definitely that. There's definitely that. Well, parrots get real old, right? trapped, abandoned, and released 7 to 15 American... 7 to 15? Over the first two weeks, about 26% of the crows that the researchers encountered scolded with a harsh, repeated caw,

1:56:00 Over time, more crows joined in on scolding the masked researchers. the researchers they joined in. So they just trusted their friend. Fuck you, dude. Do you know what that movie is? But it's crows. Not the dark side. It's just like he gets so political about stuff. I read The Stand. I would read Pet Sematary, Cujo. Oh, my God. No. kujo's coming he's gonna kill us and my mom was like who let shane watch kujo my aunt was hammered

2:00:30 Like that guy was wild. I think it's getting old. old and you become a kick-ass Yeah, of course. is better than the other side that's the hardest fucking stupid the whole thing is run by money If you had to logically look at a system and say, what would be the best way for it to represent most of the people in the best way possible for everybody? thing for the people with the most money

2:03:28 Yeah. It's so embedded. They're making too much money. I mean, instead of coming in on a Viking boat with a battle axe, Now you don't even know. just an invention or two away from being fucked like what we were all at the bar yeah last night and Dave Giant leaps have already taken place gonna say hey you fucking idiots pulling all the tuna out of the ocean and throwing your straws away.

2:06:41 It's not an environmental system. I'm just saying every fucking. I checked my gooch after that. Over the past 50 years, since the advent of petrochemical products, whenever that was, I can't believe that. I would live there. We're having a good time. Like all the pieces just sort of fell into place in terms of getting the right employees, what is it, famine? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Whatever. Look. versus the you know was it famine yeah yeah look people have a famine mentality yeah very very

2:09:13 really don't care about anyone but themselves. when I die, Yeah, That's why it's so funny. I believe it, dude. He's coming into his own. Yeah. You know? But man, Yeah. Why, That'll make you fucking hate everybody. I would do it. You know? You do your gigs on the road on the weekend. Where'd you work in? and the guy going before you is literally killing you.

2:12:44 No, that's crazy mentality. No, no, that's the only way you'd learn how to follow this guy. That's crazy, dude. It's like he was killing so hard. No, that's crazy mentality. Okay, well, you're going to go after Martin Lawrence in 1995. Because sometimes you're just saying things. That's funny. important figure from this Well, we got this. Just people having fun.

2:14:51 I was jealous. That's a lot of people. They're going to be there. there a lot of people there every show sells out in fucking 10 seconds And then Chappelle Yeah The numbers, man. And you're making eye contact with a weird dude. Well, that's the thing. I can just grab you. And he just touched Dave's feet. He was talking about it last night You think he's just fucking,

2:17:28 He does a callback. That's what's so fascinating about it to me, the styles. The difference between, like, Theo and fucking Mark Norman. It's just like, I had to promote. They did that for a while, though. What the fuck is wrong with people, man? Then she just throws it in the backyard. Every once in a while there's something I think's funny They showed her

2:19:47 That guinea pig. Alright, maybe I didn't. Oh I'm like, bro, it's funny. taking a shit. Oh, my God. Riley! So I'm probably gonna... I don't like it You think I got a good spot Right. You think that's funny? Yeah, but he seems genuinely shitting. Well, then is it even real? And that's why his legs are like that You do that with Instagram reels. You and your dumb ass camera shooting it.

2:23:35 I don't think it's funny. Most people that see it go, whoa, why are you showing me this? What are we going to do? Are we going're gonna be sad her neighbors god what the smell that must come Stop. Stop. No more. Not a big house either. It's funny, dude. that you can get someone like, you know, John Carmack, You could be in the wrong part of the world and see brutal savagery right now.

2:26:14 You know cell phone footage Dude, they're rough. And you're like, whoa. support ukraine in this war against russia with more military spending the people on the left have all these channels that are dedicated to the news there's plenty of footage out there Like that's like that decision should be super important, right? But yet Because if you don't see that and then you say you want to support war, what does that even mean?

2:29:39 avoid war, let's placate and allow. I don't know. Ah, fuck. guys and a bad guy like there was during the the red scare during the r Russia times, just like in the 1980s, everybody was constantly worried about a war with Russia. When the Soviet Union collapsed, it was the whole world took a sigh of relief. But the problem is- I can't let people do it. Yeah But the problem is I'm not gonna do anything

2:32:33 It's not like we're fucking above war now. That war. Not 0%. you son of a bitch remember when uh geraldodo Rivera was interviewing the troops and the troops were guarding the poppy fields? here. I know that you care deeply about this contradiction, the fact that here you have one We're providing them resources, and we're providing them alternatives. And the alternatives are different crops to grow.

2:34:53 And they're doing it. fucking stuffed animals and shit kensington avenue in philadelphia yeah yeah and this is Like, the heroin market in the world is worth so much money. I know, but those guys were from Saudi Arabia. If you question it, what are you talking about? It was some Ronald Reagan shit. Yeah. So like, hmm, are poppy seeds used in other opiates, which of course it is.

2:37:39 Unrealistic probably not unrealistic But the United States definitely had no involvement whatsoever in the heroin trade. Both. which there was like zero evidence but he's like, they're like, why are you exact words, but he's like, why are you invading And he's like, oil? Oh, my God. We were like, here's us fucking up some other city. something that would let them go to war, but they never had any real evidence.

2:40:21 Huh? The funny part is that but the people that said there was weapons of mass destruction and then the people that It's time to bring up, dude, he called, who did he just call? Looks like it. I hope not. God damn. They would definitely give him testosterone, Was he going to step down? She would destroy. Brock gets to come back? That drone happy dude.

2:43:28 is that ever possible i would say no no i'd say no it's not possible there is that peace phase of not getting a balanced story either you know there's not there's very little discussion about And not say, hey, maybe you guys should stop fucking around that's when you gotta make shit. Yeah. Remember? Popular comedian back then. I'm looking at the TV guide, right?

2:45:58 Dick Gregory, the comedian, is going to be on the Geraldo Rivera show. Dude. Remember the Al Capone's vault? Empty room. And then he went and interviewed the guys defending the opium fields. Oh, it's part of their culture. It's tough, because there's a part of you, like, you want to, like, I recognize I have no idea what's going on. If the prospect of nuclear war is out there.

2:47:46 one would have any conflict with large groups like these large groups of people they're led by people Nobody treats you like you're an invader, right? But imagine, because in continents, right, inside the United States, it doesn't happen, what happened during the Civil War, right? And yeah, it's so exhausting. If they run Biden, What would you... She would win off just, she would fuck those dudes up.

2:50:46 The second this election starts ramping up, we're going to go right back into it. We're going to go right back. Dude, immediately I was like, yo. He sounds great. He's not going to say it as well. I would never say that. He's a pussy. She just said a terrible thing. Oh, yeah. And he won. She's his vice president again. Yeah. Gavin Newsom, if he hadn't fucked up during COVID,

2:54:26 think Gavin Newsom has a lot of fans. Florida fucking said fuck COVID. It's going to be fun. I never feel good about who's going to be the president. That's what Trump's good for. Right. They're going to run that playbook again for sure. No, no. Bye, everybody.