Joe Rogan Experience #197 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 But Joe Rogan, ready to break shit down. for for um for uh going against the suspension we're talking ill of it really yeah well if folks The metabolite that he tested positive for until I talk to Todd McCormick. everything just because the fact that he's about to enter into a cage fight it might overwhelm him and they smoke weed and train you know and look i always go back to eddie bravo you know because

2:56 It puts you in the flow better. and it's it's what it does when you have the family this is by the way it's not for everybody like in jiu-jitsu like i mean you watch a movie stoned and it you might think it's awesome the What you're saying is that you would make a big mistake. you you you learn how to manipulate people's bodies that that all of a sudden becomes a way

5:22 get mounted or something like that you know you're not like in a competition where it's for your life whereas if you were in a fight you you go to my twitter feed or go to joe rogan.net there's a link for it it's we're at the tabernacle I'm psyched to do it. that's everyone knows what one of those is What is Tabernacle? It's like some name. The tabernacle. It's Hebrew, bro.

7:22 how that got to Atlanta. Is there Let's probably just do that. Let's just get in there. Doug Benson fans showing. I definitely had Red Band 420 back in 2012 bro yeah no i never i never did No. It's inevitable The doctor in Star Trek in another lifetime there's not a technological wall they're going to hit. that's way crazier than steroids they're gonna figure out a way to make dr manhattan's they're

10:38 Is it 200 years? plastic people live longer they accomplish more things yeah but we're trying to still trying to Are we off? certainly not okay in other parts of the world population bomb population explosion button to keep it at i think that's what aids is really aids the plague it's all just nature's way But the idea was that a virus was actually engineered,

13:24 How dare you? It can't be about the money. He has to already be on weed. His brother did. We got high. That was a totally different high. That's weird. That's a weird high the tobacco on the outside. We got high. Okay, that's not bad. So they're taking these cigar leaves that you're not supposed to be inhaling in the first place. Phillies are disgusting.

15:01 Have you ever had those before? You can get just as high off a good cigar as you can off shitty weed. My first cigarette, I would find it smelled like once every few weeks. basketball outside on the courts and i got picked up once like all right come on we're starting i Yeah. You know, he's feeding his own monster. Puffing a little cigarette. Those are the real movies.

16:59 And they're like, keep talking trash, whatever. You know, I mean, think about how we do the podcast. Yeah. I brought a bottle of wine. We. Did you really? Just like, I'm going to drink this. You're classy. Cavaretta's Deli in Canoga Park. Cavarettas, yeah. Nope. I'm like, fries, please. I know. What if he was like 24? so like cool to be around like just to get to hang out with a real character like that guy

19:31 What? He was like such a nice guy in his pizza rack. Hey, look at that comes up on the behind Five pounds? It was... They're like, this is too much. And she starts to leave. You think about the energy that you put out when you're on stage, but I guarantee you, you'd be better if you were in shape yeah i mean a guy like ralphie look how much better what ralphie may be if you weighed 180 pounds yeah jesus christ yeah i mean his timing the way his

21:27 That's great. I don't know if he that funny shit. He's so sweet. yeah i don't think people got that big a couple hundred years ago big j is losing weight now he to go because you treated your vehicle like shit. they can like write things like i want to die please kill me yeah there was a woman who wrote Rights are given to us by others in order for us to live together.

24:22 So what'd she say? written another one, and she was just here's my point so um the other day i look on my website and there's a thread says uh women versus doug stanhope yeah so i go oh what just with renewed vigor and hate and just fucking attacked. whether, you know, he even talks about it. And it's fucking great. Yeah. That doesn't seem like him.

27:35 and he said that she was fucking ridiculous, It reeks of someone who is just, they're not capable of grasping how a lot of other people are going to see this. she said he hopes she gets assist can we anyone join i think he said a fetid ovarian cyst fucking talking about dummy this is a you know yeah he made a personal attack on her but that's where you have an opinion that can be expressed

30:17 This is why I try not to say bitch with my best friends i was like bitch you crazy i mean i'm not saying she's a bitch as a woman yeah but that's what they that's drunk that i hate but there's also a specific type of male drunk that i hate yeah i don't and like, why? jujitsu guys go out there, way you're trying to accomplish something that's a total cunt move it's like you can be nice and still have the fun of the of the game yeah yeah i think it's

33:08 constant state of that's your norm of unease yeah it comes to like your your baseline yeah Do you guys find Sunday depressing? And I'm like, wow. It's something you're actually looking forward to. You know what I try to do sometimes i'm like tired and i don't want to go to some awesome gig or get on The bottom line is that life is a struggle. and then you got to listen to it go over it or maybe rewrite it it's a weird process sometimes

35:33 and I have gotten an idea on the way to a show, the first time you said it time yeah because it's the most unsteady time you're going out there with all these like fucking weak ass weapons yeah it's like Right, right. I tried, and then I got stuck in a rut right there in a skip. where was i i felt it come out twisted like why is my tongue this shape i paused an extra second

38:14 every now and then there's some shit that you didn't even think was funny yeah you thought it that Bill Cosby would just write his whole routine Yeah, I totally would. Because it's hard Because I remember where he was coming of all time. there's a reason for it, He would come up with And he was, I went to the deli for him. thank you so much. That he would go out there.

40:42 He said that before it's really important to me to be really good to have a good show these people are paying a lot of get the audience's I'll find a new one for this year whatever ending No. Yeah, we got to do some things, man. The longest day of the year, Shroomfrest is July 21st to the 23rd. You, what you mean to say is this is a guy who got let off by the cops of Mall of America.

43:11 Did you ride the roller coaster at the Mall of America? Jesus. wow the fact that we have have you seen those It's all Iranians. They're the worst of the whites. By far. I worry about that, man. I'm some fucking they were fine Working some store that was handed down to them. six generations you know i mean think about that they've come to america over the last i mean look

45:45 a knife while i was there the cops got there it was it's really crazy it was a crazy little but it's a scary place excuse your behavior when you come into a comedy club late at night and They're escaping something that sucks bad. Welcome to California, bitch! And these guys come in smoking a cigarette, And they kind of gave this look of like, all right.

47:48 Oh, my God. So where are they getting their money from? A lot of parents of rich kids are not taking care of those kids very well. How dare you? of your offensive ari oh my god dude you're so hilarious it comes out of me i just visited my I don't like. I would say it's 30% I don't like. I'll come back there. Let's do this. how to keep their mouth shut

50:28 I won't even blink. Yeah. Black pants on a black shirt. His whole fucking wardrobe is black clothes. he's his his whole thing is that he only wears black okay i want you to tell bud something Russell has that. Yeah. you talking about what's that mean oh that's what they would say about your house yeah and you'd be spaceships to me They look like the right amount to spend on a car. It's a house. It's transportation side. It's like $300,000. That's about right amount to spend on a car.

52:38 Those Italians, they have this fucking giant engine. But it has this noise. they're slowly starting to look like what we thought cars would look like in the future. except uh hybrids yeah they still look like shit. Yeah. Except those Fiskars. cool shapes. Oh, really? Yeah, exactly. what they're doing yeah they're the little kids that's lithium ion that's some it's coltrane for

55:53 in uh afghanistan they've discovered yeah over a trillion in the mountains so they've known about yeah it's a big issue what do you think of that guy who shot up those people in afghanistan well And thought, this is my time to step up and contribute to America. back home he has two kids and his um his apparently, they had to put it up for sale. I mean, this guy was, up until a certain point in time, a hero.

58:22 You're totally right. and then went drunk and went on a rampage that's when he lost his shit he you know the guy was he Yeah. Yeah. 334 members of the Armed Forces had committed suicide in 2009 and more than Okay, wow. Yeah. Is it soldiers stationed in it just says american military personnel yeah that might be still a lot i think it's i think it's most of them that are over there man

1:01:38 well this fucking country is the baddest country in the world i don't know i don't know like yeah i don't And if you do get home much more effectively with mdma really which is ecstasy ecstasy street name for it yeah there's And you got to be real careful about traumatic brain injuries. Oh, that guy. back in the game and get multiple concussions in the same day. That happens. They said after a concussion,

1:04:19 It's one of the things they do. Great radio show that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah And he started Really? I was fucking people up. But I He goes, I took it. And he goes, I was on fire when I was playing video games. I was fucking people up. Who's B.B. Jones? What the hell is he talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. Bill Romanowski is a different guyronkowski. Sorry. Gronkowski? Yeah. My fault. What the hell is he talking about?

1:05:53 I see what you're saying. Just tell him not to. You don't understand. why is he gone? might change your life over it to wear all black I can't do all black all the time. shirt yeah that's a good point man i see what you're saying i wear a lot of white Do you have sex with your clothes on no no, but I definitely Oh. It was a T-shirt over a flannel or over a thermal, rather.

1:08:49 The t-shirt I kept on. And plus, it's a dope shirt. the bruce lee kung fu shirt i think so yeah i i always loved it because it was like the name of This was Hickson versus Kimura. I own zero Gracie clothes. I saw a homeless guy in an Ed Hardy shirt no I thought were you wearing that sweater He gives me the fingers. Maybe if they grew up in the 60s, they would have skated through and actually been okay. They must have some parts of them that are okay.

1:10:57 Are they couch surfing? But sleeping in people's sleep. That's what he's doing. The girls you're talking about? I kind of had my friend Johnny stay at my couch for a little bit back in New York. and it's only for a short period of time. Yeah. It'd be cool to live with burt and tom segura and I thought I deleted it by accident before I marked it. Smell my cock real quick?

1:13:13 That's why I need to record an album. was she an attractive woman doctor? was it ingrown hair on her knees a real man took a chance That's what kept Clinton alive during those fucking years in the White House. Really? He took the guy he's got AIDS. He was a real handsome movie star in the early days. They're pretty sure spread it it's common now There's not much weatherproofing.

1:15:21 Listen, man, you can fuck me, but can we get some girls too? Washington had white teeth. he had dentures. they didn't take care silly it sounds biblical it sounds like oh yeah sure they will but what physically meek but Yeah. will just start bashing the fuck it's the smartest people They're not really controlling the world. Fucking great things. Malaria Research Institute, whatever it's called.

1:17:50 Uh-uh. First of all, he has a submarine. make this up what if he's just crazy yeah i got a door yeah it's incredible state of the art Your music starts playing. Yeah. the film that you see jfk and it's kind of cool but i think i would say lincoln just for that No, no, no. Why? Ari, what about you? No condom. I don't know. That's right. It's nuts. Yeah, no.

1:21:18 Lips and dick. too which is like another like advanced form of herpes yeah it's different kind of herpes you're Oh, I didn't consider Obama. just pull up in in uh confessions obama's gay lover gay obama lover yeah the guy was so ridiculous I flew out of Colorado Springs, Colorado, Winer and diner. Anyone who would like to socialize and show me Chicago.

1:23:57 Senator Obama... order to be corroborative or let's say like give all those details because he's a moron yeah it's I'm a senator, and I'm thinking about being a president. That's, maybe. but I wouldn't be surprised if it was real. Yeah, no white poppers. The ugly chick. I mean, it just is. The president? He gets those chicks. that have saved up for years

1:26:22 Yeah, they're not Luckily, there's plenty that they can find that are real. and I'm sure some of them will just record themselves. at the highest level. A lot of the boys Ratzinger, who's the guy But there's letters by this fucking guy people choosing how you like act in your religion what lent how long that lasts and what you have like they're like a fucking Harry Potter character.

1:29:00 fucking birth control if we're christian yeah it's like oh if i'm jewish i don't want to have to give people fucking birth control if we're Christian. Yeah. It's like, if I'm Jewish, I don't have to let people get bacon with the money I give them. You're not supposed to be using birth control. Yeah, well, there's... it's really the whole Fibonacci sequence that reoccurs in nature over and over again.

1:30:27 I mean, however you would describe that, kids and not eating pork and you know what are you talking about no water during the day and All right, so do it yourself. on man i'm like you need to get the fuck away from me if i don't eat these animals are they That would be freaky. this is the only car that fits into my carport. I'm a Ford guy, bro. it's like the grossest car

1:32:56 they were still escorts tabernacle I've never had somebody walk around with me. but the way it's been explained to me is like no it seems like they've clearly taken away Okay, here's the issue. Tax payers are never going to get that money back. behind the scenes people are buying things I would like to support that yeah i know that's a chrysler i know that's chrysler's full of shit didn't you hear what

1:36:15 I saw a yellow one the other day. Mine's orange, man. Because it feels like a fiesta. It's like my favorite. It's about as nice as it gets Coupe. You're in Blade Runner. And you see all of the buyers going, A lot of my friends are owners. oh atlanta we went to uh yeah r was with me when we did uh yeah i went around the track we um i uh I love those guys, too.

1:38:38 clubs and all that shit come down because people like get fanatic about those cars just like work to do hot as fuck that day remember how hot it was yeah it was sweltering right atlanta gets If you want to, in Burbank, they have adult go-kart, indoor adult go-kart track. How fast do they go? They still have laser tag? I love shooting guns. No, like put fish up and then try to shoot fish so they explode.

1:40:07 Filthy American. Like put them on a target and then shoot them from far and try to blow up a fish. It's exciting. like a nice and you blast them and you get like a score and then you go like a certain area well No, the funny ones with Steve Guttenberg. through those courses. and they all just start coming towards you, They wanted us to come down, They're hoarding you.

1:42:20 version of it it's like the deadliest games, really old. It was like a Russian military guy called Naked City. He's a crime novelist. Really? He'd hunt them. had to search his place again and when they searched his place again they found it in the You get more complacent the more you do it. would you ever yeah and you can always it must be distinguishable

1:44:48 like telephone wire they would cut it down and just use that so like oh now we have no telephone Slaves came from Liberia, or from America, and went back to Africa. It's still a mess, man. They wanted to give Jews Uganda. 60... No, no, no, way before before that i guess the 40s and 30s so before israel after the war they were like we need to give them some place to go clearly we've shown enough times we just so how

1:46:14 Well, no, just say, extinguish them. What year was this? Then they came back. part of the mountain underneath it so they could heat it up and so then we go up but the ceilings romans they couldn't get up there um until they started using jewish slaves as human shields of it wasn't it maybe where they get poison it wouldn't be poison where they have that much poison yeah i don't know that

1:48:49 And he's like, look at all these Jew shields everywhere. It's crazy. You had to give up your religion or die? think exactly the way they thought. That's amazing, isn't it? You should. It was too popular. So they said no conversion during this time. I'm just hanging out. You don't want to do it. Religious Jew. the cheese. What is it? You can't combine

1:50:56 to be that it's it's that actual mother and calf yeah but that's the case why can't you get the um things tying in the buttons because that's evil and you'll go to hell you go to hell for I mean, that's some pretty intense shit. There was some demon was, like, writing him and had, anyway, but then you get her pregnant Oh, my God. And they go, why, Dad? Why couldn't we be born on the regular planet? and then when you get to go to heaven when you die you have to meet those demons oh my god and

1:53:11 Did you think, well, that part's bullshit? Right. It's like you got to get rid of this shit. That part was more like fables. The Zohar, which is like the mystical book. You can't really handle it There's ghosts and demons? maybe I should read it you wouldn't get that like you're supposed to study it part students. So he had to sleep and the only way this he said they can't really write that out in the talmud so they had to

1:55:48 hiding under their bed masturbating but it's not written that metaphor is it's uh really interesting because i get so many angry tweets. People get angry. They get so mad. You're being an idiot. You'd say this is a cult. Cloning, are we allowed? That people would be encouraged to kill their babies because stem cells from the aborted fetuses would be very valuable.

1:58:12 sending yourself to hell just weird little signs yeah he would just wait there wait there and go about this stuff. on the next plane Yeah. eternity it's ridiculous it's ridiculous like god wouldn't just god intervene and say listen parents just go to hell your Protestant friends told you this? They believed that he fucking, I'm an Indian. there's other parts

1:59:55 yeah no they just stopped teaching it. We're like, oh yeah, He was 14. He believes in all that. The prequel to Alien. Ooh, it looks good. She couldn't. It looks so good. Yeah. that it's almost useless I know you're going to become poor. It's rare that that happens, I love a good science fiction movie written by... So many crap, crapular ones. which is just an amalgamation of all the...

2:03:05 then the potential profit is millions and millions more so there's so many people with so much say yeah the the producer actually had to tell me in my ear the fox executive's like tell me take it But these fucking dummy executives, been doing it forever they like it or they don't most people like it if you don't tough shit if it and baba he likes you to produce this just sort of take take some of the strain away from me you

2:05:08 and someone would go that's so stupid well no one's doing it he went on a rant he was like oh like they don't get Oh, that's perfect. It's like you don't want to have to say the same thing over and over again. express that like i hate bothering people, so I usually express that. I feel like they're used to radio, though. I mean, most of these people

2:07:04 and it's like this thing that you put in your car and it's got three speakers and every day you're not allowed to text either. I'm like, you know, that's how shit happens. last accident I had, I was drunk and i was i was heart beating your chest also wondering if i get back what am i gonna pull out a breathalyzer I do it all the time. I think that might have been the last one. Because nothing happened to that one. I was beyond lit up. I couldn't know if that was Before or after And that was That one I think that might have

2:09:09 And you drove home But I'm like Why did you drive that shit that's a terrible thing yeah it's scary it was control your body man you have less control Yeah. How are you going to get your car home? that everybody's just hopping in cabs. When is it, Brian? okay what night ladies and gentlemen little Esther and Duncan Friday Yeah, you were ready a long time ago.

2:12:06 from you know for the next year yeah yeah like this never got good yeah there's some bits well Can I mention three dates? Ooh, one of the best through the 31st Yeah, there's a lot of good comics. Anywhere west coast. And that comedy mix is the And then I think I'm doing an album. They missed the first three days. I don't know if I should say or not.

2:14:10 It was really frustrating. Right. from the soda machine. a special down. if you see me like April Florida In Louisville, Kentucky 3.30 I'm getting up like crazy And I'm also preparing For the next stuff so i'm sandwiching in new bits yeah and i find out when I think that a bit can cook for a certain amount of time. It's hard. and on saturday night duncan and little esther And on Saturday night, Duncan and Little Esther.

2:17:21 Just say you were there. My last big date that I got to say is Dallas. I'm glad. April, let's say 11th through the 14th. S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Thank you, all the powerful people. Okay. Yeah. April 20th. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. All right. Well, so that's the new hashtag. 420 Rogan. That's leading up to the special. April 20th. and doing these podcasts. Enter in the code name Rogan, and you will save 15% off.

2:19:22 why you're grooving now yeah because these Because of these people listening. Yeah, man. all over the world. I'm like, no. That's it. See you guys.