Joe Rogan Experience #1973 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. He told me he was out in the backyard. Get addicted to it. You guys go every day? How long did this take you to do? Joey Diaz is an author pops up people still sometimes and reading it Give me a space in between. When they picked me for a life, I got my money's worth. You know, just move. It was so funny because I remember I was talking to some guys the other night in the green room about when I met you.

3:10 I knew you right away. player back then and you would go into own thing where they'd go in there They had the best chili in the world. Great script. Yeah, we had some times with that one. and we went in there, and he's Yeah, but it made me comfortable. there was enough of them out there It was rough those couple years Somebody got me a meeting at HBO like in 98.

6:13 take it for so long, and I just went. and they were like, hold on Some guy hip-pocketed me and took me to a meeting. This went on for like two months. It wasn't about whatever that show turned out. You know, it's not just that someone's not alive anymore. It's also that there's no one there you know i'm saying like you have a feeling that's 21 grams?

8:59 Why would it have to weigh anything? In Jersey, you're in a wake every other week. I've been there three years, and I already could have gone to like 18 wakes. And those three wakes fucked me up to the point where somebody else died I got exposed to it at a young age I saw how he— It pays off the bat. That's not bad. they drain the blood, they fill you with formaldehyde

11:30 The Vikings did it right. So we were on the right path. and you'd have to break the arm to put the casket down because once that rigor mortis sets in, that arm, So I decided I'm not going to hit my mom. or even if you want to get someone cremated, you still have to get them embalmed. now. But how weird is it that people give Yeah. I'm like, you know, you got a hard 15,000.

14:05 And we've removed ourselves from it. We've had numerous conversations. Yeah, and this wasn't like when people hang themselves. Isn't it weird how that just went down still going down like it disappeared like they put galane in jail and they never released And we just never questioned it? these people that are in positions of power give a fuck I don't know why people do this,

16:21 And she just shit. These people come along every four years with the same fucking story and nothing gets done. and I'm still getting up busting my fucking hump every fucking day. But it makes the country safer. You don't think anything and just go about it was very good. There was a lot of great presence. Yeah, yeah, but There's a lot of people that hated Kennedy, right?

18:16 There was a lot going on with him, and, you know, they're all freaks. Civil rights. fucked you know those cubans feel like he fucked them yes the bay of pigs cubans feel like i think So it's like I would have to do a deep dive. They fucking killed him. and they ran the Haight-Ashbury free clinic. They did some wild freaky shit and one of the things that he did

21:43 And he was dead like within a year Get the fuck out of here. but remember that speech that that dude gave, Kevin Costner? The guy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It doesn't matter. And within 10 minutes, they already had a whole background on this guy. But people tell you constantly, watch that show, watch that show. Not about what you think. Oh.

24:15 How? But not only that story, it talks about civil rights. Really? I can't say this shit. Again, like Tony Soprano was casted. Hulu, the first two seasons, and MGM Plus, the last season. That's the most interesting show. This is what that battle dude was into. the fucking wetsuits, the fucking cigar that explodes, all those with failed CIA attempts.

27:29 And he lowers it and he goes, I got nothing on. Remember when he had- Is that You're Mad? 1960s and Forrest Whitaker plays this guy that's like The Last King of Scotland? That guy could act his ass off. Hey, can I run out here and pee real quick? I'll hold it. I just took it home and left it in the back seat. I put the Cuban egg roll in the bottle.

29:53 in it. I wipe it out. I take it in the back, fill it Yeah, that's bad, too. Driving from LA to, remember we'd do or you had to leave at And then I'll go, do you remember I used to make it back from San Diego in, I think, like an hour? I think it's more. I would kick it to 100. You know how fast you were going? I got a Coke guy to meet by 1 o'clock.

32:36 That's it. Well, I heard that people were buying testing kits snorting coke was always of a fucking heart attack They're putting the netables in L.A. Thank God I wasn't doing any of that shit now. Like this level of contamination was something that's so deadly. in medications it's used, but they know what the dosage is. It's fucking nuts, man. I learned a very valuable lesson.

36:24 Staten Island. If you're going to take them for pain every six hours, You can't get shit In New Jersey, they give you 19. They don't give them to you to drive you crazy no more. the pill was promoting my pain because once i threw the pain pills away i didn't have no more I'm good if I want to do that. When I was on the Xanax, it was basically during the pandemic.

39:10 When I had my little situation at the comedy store Pauly Shaw, I told you this story close the original room. Uh-huh. Talking bullshit with Pauly, everybody's coming in later, because on Saturdays I used to do the close of the original room. Uh-huh. and Morgan's on stage, Whenever I had anxiety in the original room, I had a window. I couldn't breathe.

40:52 He goes, I just went up, dude. And then I remember waking up on stage and people laughing, I kept having these little panic attacks. I would take it on the road if I went on a plane or something like that. Then the Xanax, I would take the Xanax to calm me down off the anxiety. But now I eat them more to sleep. I don't want to go to bed at 9.30. Fuck you, man.

43:11 I turn the TV off. I think about the time I ate a bucket of dicks in North Carolina in Chapel Hill. I got the whoop watch to help me with recovery because I was lifting and going into jiu-jitsu and my back would hurt. oh, you slept four hours last night. But when I was doing comedy, there was no sleep, Joe. Why? Oh, I loved it. 17 months ago. And then when I get in the car, I pop another one.

46:28 But I was taking eight to ten of those motherfuckers a day. Yeah. When I was a child, the doctor would have to come to my house two days in a row for years. The same penicillin they would give you one shot of, and I won't fall over. and with cocaine and alcohol, 22 beers and it would calm you down. So when the Xanax finally Oh, from Benzos. Yeah. Your heart constantly beats

50:28 Because I had to break them into two parts, the Xanax. just get me back because it was central nervous system shit. I went and did Oh my God, I did a gig last week. I used to just sit on my bed on my hands and look straight. That's my brother. And I always noticed that after I took the pill, the pill a little bit. That's what something. They can give you prescriptions

53:24 And she goes, what are you saying? I go, I'm going to stop taking them. Because I take Clonid, I'm feeling great. I go in there, I'm talking with people, I'm feeling great. And she goes, what are you saying? But, dog, I will never eat one of those. When your doctor gives it to you, you think it's normal. I was living through hell. And, you know, I stopped drinking.

54:54 I was done with alcohol after that. I wish I could be sociable and have a red wine, Joe. Hi, Joe, do you want bourbon? Like Sinatra. When I did the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he gets you Christ, Joey. What do you got there? I'm so excited to show you this club. Look at this, I got bags everywhere. They're gonna open up an A.C. It's about freedom. You fucking idiots that are making it illegal are ruining the world.

57:55 And if you don't have the freedom to choose what you put in your own body, especially when we're And I think they keep these laws goofy on purpose. There might be one somewhere in the state. gambling junkies in there. How about the chick last week that was winning so much money she just started pissing at the casino? She didn't dry her monkey either.

59:56 though imagine that you it's not uncommon not that uncommon. Hold on. Scroll up. Scroll, scroll. Look at this. You imagine walking into a casino, you just smell piss. You gotta just deal with it. You might be shitting your pants a little bit too. A lot of problems. that, hey, you know, this is almost over for whoever is listening to this. If you're listening

1:02:30 I'm pretty robust. You really want to be alive to be 100? Like people can learn things from other people that have already experienced life. I feel the same way. Yeah. I'd rather shoot myself. I'm proud that I put a book together. I'm very proud that I found alternatives. This is a path that you could go down. You know, people would talk about, have you seen Shane Gillisis holy shit mark norman oh my god that guy's funny and then

1:06:04 that's the same thing with this club guy's fucking me out of money and this guy and my bonuses are short all that i don't want to i don't want to be involved Jesus fucking Christ. A line. It wasn't set up that was like, where we could all be together and hang And at the same time, Bro, and Adam Egan, that guy's the fucking man. But they decided, they offered me a price.

1:08:57 That's a good topic you brought up. No, no. We drove by thousands of times. In Studio City. And he brought me like a fucking.45 with a bazooka and shit. I'll shoot you, but I don't want to have a weapon. You know, I got in trouble with a weapon, I dealt with had a weapon, so I considered But having those two weapons in the house Where'd OJ's shit go to?

1:12:04 And then on the day I flew back here, I'll never forget that I had that. to brett i called him next month go come pick up this fucking 45 from me he still has it he's because I forgot how scary it was. And we were by this Target. And the police seemed hesitant to do things too. You need to have an understanding that they're very, very necessary. they were tweeting we should defund the police.

1:14:51 Like, that's the dumbest scenario. Skinner and nobody listens nobody listens. People are like, that idiot. at that point. And you're like, what do you mean? few years. Or a young woman, you stay stuck. Promiscuous. what happened. You're still in shock Never. Well, you knew cops. Fuck that. That's disrespect of a police officer. Never. I grew up in there.

1:17:12 boxing coach, that dude used to At that age, they didn't like me in bitty basketball, a happy birthday. James Cole, it was his birthday on Wednesday. Or Tuesday on Facebook. I follow a friend on Facebook. It's so ridiculous. You're like, okay, yeah, I'll put on skin again. No, they just take them right to the port. You could know where the fuck they take them.

1:19:39 And they've been arrested thousands of times. Only 327 people. Do you understand how cities work? It's that there are some bad cops. why we ship billions of dollars over to Ukraine. Yeah. Probation. whether it was in San Francisco, Possession of this. No. Just to show you the bowels of what it is. when I walked out a little bit. I don't know what it is.

1:23:47 A ticket. Listen, when you go to prison in this country, all you're doing is warehousing me and putting me back out. It's up to you to give a fuck. It's very hard to get out. You got to find something, whether it's music or entertainment I can't volunteer at Costco. That's why I sell wheat. So you're just thinking about doing it So I'd love to take classes again or something like that.

1:26:52 In my world, for me to get to where I got, when I walked out of that prison cell, I became a regular member of society. 27, 27 What are you gonna do? I can't be an acupuncturist that probably makes a lot of people go back to crime exactly people give up i when i but you would have some rough sets and then there was one day it was one day in the or Bro, you get punched in the face one too many times and after one punch you go, that's it.

1:29:40 I'll come down here, do a residency down here for you. And I go, you're done. No podcasting, no films. When I got to L.A., I was there just to do stand-up. it's great but it takes away from who the we really are well when i was doing fear factor You got to keep doing this. and they'd come to the store on Tuesday. And, you know, like, oh, your hour gets so tight.

1:32:25 and they got caught up in the TV show and then they never did stand up again because nine out of ten comics, And that's what I like about stand-up. You accept being broke for the fucking honor to come here to yeah five nights a week how much does stand up what do you think Nobody's funny. This kid was horrible. But in Denver, they said, but you only heard one.

1:35:07 This is how crazy comedy is. Like, I was living in Seattle. When he got there on Tuesday, he was the headliner. fucking, he had a guy on stage about being good friends with Greg Fitzsimmons and you know we're talking she wants me to do it The open mic world is a fucking fantastic world. When I used to host, the 7 o'clock, the 9. But that helped you a lot, too, because you got loose, like fucking around in between the acts and, you know, making fun of things.

1:38:09 Because the first couple times in front of Mitzi, a comedy club there maybe like 2000 like that. He told me, come on Sunday and do 10. And if you're funny, I'll bring you He was a great guy. She was. that they really probably shouldn't be following. I just, dog, I still have nightmares. Yeah. Two alpha brains, I'll fucking pull his name out. He was always pretty good.

1:40:47 I want to see him physically. could be a good podcast for three hours. I remember we walked the pink dot. But you heard it, too. He was an amazing guy. Let me tell you about Eddie Griffin. He was in there with him. He's a good dude. Like if guys you knew that were going to showcase, And that was how I met Eddie. Do you remember that? I want to talk to someone who's not even here.

1:44:09 Real lean. I just saw he's doing a show. Oh, my God. He's not even remotely self-conscious. He's back in L.A., I guess. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's where that body's from. He glues a mohawk to the tank. No. 37. I thought he was a little younger, 33, 34. He's a good boxer, though. Look how shredded Jamar is. Guy Torrey. Dog, I still And I'm going to tell you who the best performance on.

1:47:31 I will never forget that. an ATM machine with a tuxedo on. man, I haven't heard that in years. Reggie McFadden is like my prime. He was like, no motherfuckers like he had rules And he has the ugly girl smashed through his window. Corey Miller was one of those guys. It happens all the fucking time. He was in Nirvana, and then he got kicked out of Nirvana,

1:50:56 But at the time he felt like a total dog shows you like how fragile mental health is and people's states of mind and how you know Remember I had that Suburban with all the big speakers and that shit? If you don't like this song, you're not real, cocksucker. It was such— That song's incredible. I like it towards the end when they do the drum thing and he says that.

1:55:37 Blow off the oxide And I've told this story before. yeah it's great but wait till the Beatles get back together. They always had me. Somebody put an extra John Lennon the day after he got shot Oh, my God. It's okay. and started playing all that shit My crew was all like Jim Morrison, it was The Doors, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin. So much good music. Like I got an album now, it'll take me back for a week.

1:59:23 Like every time I put on, But that was the song. I love it. ah, ah, ah. Let me go shoot a load. Maybe I need new headphones. Maybe we should get a better cable. But wouldn't it be nice if we could hear it, like, really good? They're probably compressed, too, right? system just for your car and i'm like oh my god let's do it and they put like there was a subwoofer

2:02:33 Because that's on that album. 911 Turbo. yeah around the car give me some of that so when you do acid or something like I was looking for a stereo mix to see if I could find one that was going to do it better. He disappeared after that. I don't believe so. Man, some of them just the pressure, the overwhelming pressure of constantly performing, it gives

2:04:28 You know that little country store in Laurel Canyon? I fucked it up. Down! Down, down! Fuck this line. Yeah, the valley. If I didn't take the 405 I'd go this way. Yeah the traffic. I was going to bring this up. Yeah, it sounds perfect. Hey! Killy's Last Stand. That. and then The Ocean. I would skip they kind of change it up. I used to eat Quaaludes to this, me and Dini.

2:08:18 thing, a vein, from I couldn't get no gold Keep it from the gallows cold Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah Jimmy Page's best work since I've Been Loving You. Is that from the arrest in 91? Yeah, that's his mug shot. There's a hilarious James Brown interview where he's like clearly high as kite.

2:12:40 Yes. He joins us from Atlanta to discuss the charges, Have all the charges been dropped? Let's talk about some music. this james aren't you concerned about that no no i'm i'm concerned because there's nothing wrong Now, I understand that you have already, James, I have to ask you one serious question here. What did you say? And you sing good. Tell us a little bit about that.

2:15:45 and hopefully we'll get Brother Ted Turner on the cover. I feel good. Thanks for being with us. He was as good as it gets, man. Because that concert was insane. Yeah. James Brown! He saved. Oh, there's a movie about it. Yeah, he did something. I watched that fucking thing again a couple weeks ago, That was a different fucking world, man. It's pretty impressive, man.

2:20:10 No. When's it available? Nice. That's why I figured I'd do it then. And one of the doctors came in, and we started talking, went back to see him blood that type of and he goes everything was right you know everything And that's when she goes, no, you've got to stop withdrawing. I would put them in my top pocket and then go to the store and not take them.

2:22:31 I was a little fucking fruitcake when I came from Cuba. So every week, the guy comes in and he gives you the old 45s. fucking boxes of Now it's redone again. I would go upstairs, and I had a window that they couldn't see from below What the fuck? Stop it, you fucking scumbag. Do you know how long I did that for? You know what I'm saying? Like, I always had my little...

2:25:02 I never knew they were treated for This is when I would be putting the Xanax on. Now I have no anxiety in jujitsu. I did a lot of breath work. I look at the mountains. I got my little faults, but I'm still I used to get up and go around the fucking computer As you get older, you start learning. Every morning. Fruit's great. I've got a dinner. Okay.

2:28:22 You and me. Yeah. Christina's coming down? I know it's one of those that she gets pissed off at. I don't know what her name is. Yeah, she don't like it. Okay. I'll call her Christine. Okay. I know it's one of those that she gets pissed off at. May 2nd. Appreciate you having me.