Joe Rogan Experience #199 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Thank you for having me on Friday night. It's all nice people. But that's how we do. Where are you headed? Yeah, your headline in the improv. wet willies? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm excited about going down there. It was too crazy. You know, just have conversations with each other. I'm like, you fucking morons. They're jumping up and, you know,

3:08 and the husband with the husband real nice sweet guy. What? Feels great. If you talk to him, and he's a sweetheart. catch-a-rising star in cambridge and he fucking destroyed we're big pants people he had this Because I started stand-up in 88. He was just one of those guys who could just go on stage, You just start laughing, man. and he showed up with girls, and he drank.

5:52 In a park? Really? You follow me? He's not out about it, you know? gay. Remember Jeff? Jeff Richards Why can't I remember his last name? It's called Dunbar's Syndrome or something like that. It would be fun. and they were down there. And I grew up was when I got locked up because they had an AIDS unit in this prison. to those motherfuckers but there was a couple guys that said dog they go out there and play cards

9:33 There was two guys that got it from sex, and the other five got it from junking. That's just like fucking without a condom. Share the fucking ring. Just me. if they do a real statistic count, had grown. And they realize now Yeah. They word your mind because they go deep you're thinking that everything is all right that's like you don't you don't even have half

12:22 with what you know what they would call squares and just sit around all day with a bunch of fucking people that just you know don't want you know the the yellow the numbers out for the lottery i got five six two seven the motherfucking five six two six all the things i've read in all the shows i've That's why they, Those fucking Boston Celtic motherfuckers

13:49 When I was 18, I was close. Coke is like, this can really get in the way. and I'm making four or five grand a week, But if I'm earning a living, nothing. You sign the paper. That's why insurance is the hardest sale in the fucking world you get a handshake it's like gambling when you lose with It never comes the other way. you're going to Vegas and you're going to fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass.

16:12 but what's the line on Thursday? And they start There's people who just come and go through gambling. Go off. He was making $12 million a fucking year. Degenerate. when he was just from the fucking cards to He paid every fucking debt. He was the first one that seemed to relish the role. Bruce Cutler. It was the weirdest thing watching it all play out in the news.

19:06 The beauty of it is in May, we're going to New York. Right. All of them shot him at once? And they just went out there and shot this motherfucker at 5.30 at night, December 15th or something. When That everybody thought he was just so crazy after that? Whoa. The guys are on the street with a towel on them with blood coming out. Eventually, we're going to collect on that investment,

21:51 Then they put wires everywhere, which the wires were fucking illegal. He was crazy. This is what you do. This is it. And it's very sad. He's still alive? from the steroids. But... God bless him. The fucking... The fucking. God bless him. But the fucking, the fucking, you know, when the government took him and talked him into pretty much ratting on this guy, you know what, they just realized all his sins that

23:36 How many? You know that Whitey Bulger did that too. You're going to have two feds going by there and picking up the money for you. I mean, the stuff that he had done, just as bad, right? out of it he was a he was a tremendous negotiator he got to keep his 20 million he got five years came to one of our shows in Tempe one time with your buddy, and Brian goes, everyone's on Coke.

26:03 And it also was like, when i said we looked over and powder on your nose i really really really would like to know the amount of coke that comes into just our country every year. Is it like big overseas companies? So it's just like an awesome neighborhood where you can buy coke. again, and we're going to take all that profit He's the one that the Medellin cartel gave him up when Bush wanted something.

28:07 And we're taking everything. That was the deal. I know you're Catholic and you're Christian and we're going to replace you and then there's funneling You got to admit. pulled off, you know, Just before they're going to go on 60 Minutes, and it's awful over the world that shit you posted the other day dude it was tripping me out which one like uh the

30:16 the other professor's name. I should look that up ourselves in like a computer right now yeah this is uh this is by the way this is like really theoretical physicist and john s tol professor of physics at the University of Maryland. Are they trolling? And it's even more bizarre than that because when you then try to understand these pictures, So you're saying as you dig deeper, you find computer code writ in the fabric of the cosmos.

33:36 that was invented by a scientist named That in the description of our universe they are equivalent to equations, and we have found in these equations computer codes. And represent it with a computer right i i don't know what that means i heard like the equations that they're using to So, All right. We were playing Pong. going to have some sort of an artificial

37:31 when you first tweeted it, I was doing that kind of test. maybe just designed by nature, whatever the fuck it is, We lost Joey. You guys are scaring me like Star Trek. when they were checking us for lice, And you're in third grade still. Remember in Hannibal, in one of those stupid movies, he drew People do that. Especially when you have little things.

40:24 Close your fucking eyes. And you could go to Italy for the day. Have you ever had an experience, any sort of a psychedelic experience that you felt and i got all these tweets from other people that said they had the exact same thing happen to them 12, 1 o'clock, because you're by yourself. there saying to myself i got it together now now i'm ready to do one thank god this trip is done

42:54 it's just amazing when you're in that consciousness And I went to the thing, and I put on No Quarter by Led Zeppelin live. it was at a guy, Gunter Brown's house, that studded, Gunter Brown, position and i was in my mother's womb and i could hear her heartbeat and even though i was all i And I remember I would go into the womb and come out of the womb.

44:53 Your lunch woman, your first grade teacher, the fucking nurse that delivered you to your mother's hands. and the whole time I'm sitting there in this wound And I remembered that heroin trip, how I cleaned up after that for about a month. Ah! universal like that when you're there at that other level of consciousness and you're tripping You want me to tell you what a bad trip is? Seeing yourself.

46:46 Sure, sure, And you felt warmth and where you went wrong That is what it is. When I've had a bad trip, it's always been a, because what would happen was it's so impactful when it happens while you while you can't control it's just slipping away from you It's very difficult for us to do part of it too. I think a lot of people are just too tired to try to improve themselves.

49:50 You know, those guys, I read something, those guys live to 80, 90. it has to become a white powder. Really? It just made people feel great. people that were poor or mid uh 20 minutes of feeling important oh my god in the 80s everybody They would just start doing drugs. Yeah. Everybody was saying that Oscar De La Hoya is gay. You refuse to believe that he's this guy.

52:29 bro we're just it just happens in our society and what are you gonna do it's funny with greg that is it's just a massive dose. side of it. I mean, apparently man i hate she was scared she was scared that someone could bring it up at a party because It made her really nervous. Apparently, man, especially girls. He goes, they go crazy. Wow. So how long do they suck your dick for?

55:50 The mechanism. And they had, you know, in the fucking 80s, I'll shoot it in my dick directly. That's how crazy it gets. Okay, so what is it about doing coke that makes people just become crazy? But what happens is socially, socially, socially, once you do it it lifts you lifts you it lifts you to a You go on a honeymoon. They're so interesting. Yeah, let's split a 40.

58:44 Then it becomes something else. Now you're missing She does that. There's nothing even You know, whatever. It becomes your underlying motive. take me over till you start. What? That whole drive, I had no logic. So I would break it up right there, right there. If it's re-rock coke, then it's hard. But it's really hard to get real Coke. But if you couldn't do this, it would all be completely illegal

1:02:03 you and i both know that i'll tell you one positive effect of cocaine. You and I both know that. Really? Like, what if I went on the road every week and made 10 grand and sold 300 T-shirts? thing you do with mushrooms right you know when you have when you take a mushroom if you're a When did it, I mean, there's no way to tell until you do it, right?

1:03:54 Whoa, that is crazy. It wasn't getting, we've had this discussion. smelled like cat piss. And I would sell marks under their eyes? And if it tasted like a monkey's ass, then you turned it into crack. Two white guys on Coke didn't invent that. So all the shit they put in there, like if you put a gram of coke in, Them things are killing the cancer. To make it more...

1:06:40 I thought that was making with baking soda. Right. They just figured out how to take heroin and pay $50,000 and get $400,000 back from it. This is fucking craziness. Remember the cocaine cowboys with the whole entire, But what happened at the time was Miami got a gun put to their head Oh, my God. I don't know if this is a verifiable fact, river cops i remember me and joe were in coconut grove the week one of them got let out of jail

1:09:58 and throwing you in the fucking river. get out of jail that's ridiculous that's nonsense i'm liberal about a lot of shit i'm liberal about board votes on you to get out on the street or not. What social security benefit does he fucking have, that guy? See, that's the dude you hired to be a salesman. was killed by that Tex Watson guy a woman's body you know that what supposedly made Roman Polanski

1:12:45 And they were a family. Figured out a way to control these people. And get all these lost people together and just unleash them. You know? You know, this is how it's done. They're running around cutting people up. And that was a good reason for justification. How do people... whether it's a religious sector. i ain't killing nobody on this joe rogan i see him stab somebody first then give me the knife

1:15:48 is yes, sir, yes, sir. and everybody bows in class and lines up and turn it's very militaristic you know we would bow to Like an instructor did something fucked up or one guy in the karate. Oh, that's. to me, but in fact, they enhanced me. They taught me a lot of discipline and they gave me a job and and they would start abusing them It was real common that people were completely enamored by their instructors.

1:19:00 instructor they become like they become a father figure they become like, they become a father figure. They become like a, you know, a king, you know, becomes like, it's very important to, to give in to their, He died in 73. It was like John Lennon fucking died. Like, karate schools in the 60s in this country were, Everybody who had bruised elbows.

1:20:37 That was around 74. Finally, I can learn confidence. purple belts probably could take no they could fucking take you i'm not saying in jujitsu But I never want you to think it's really a kung fu movie where you're going to go into a Steven Seagal. People shoot people, man. By the way, everybody's doing that. fight the last thing you want to do is open up that door to negativity you know you beat someone

1:22:30 with Mazzagati and Joe, absolutely invincible. and you don't know that this kid He might start punching your fucking face in Your body can't even move Unless you want to do it for a living. Jersey Shore is wild, man. It's like 90% savages. It's like everybody's fucking Kim Kardashian. What the fuck is going on? I'd probably be trying to do And you've got to work all day.

1:24:42 Oh, my God, she's fucking hot? And the peace I say It's this reward that one day will take place if you do exactly as I say. Those fuckers go crazy. Teach them about yoga. Teach them about yoga. They lift twice a week? If you ever want. then it falls off your head we should make a stretchy bandana that's like comfortable i've always hated accessories for guys though um i like wallet

1:27:40 Who are you you fucking weirdo? You know, I mean like when someone tried really hard to be eccentric That was a trend for a while. But golf is supposed to be fun. Oh, just to fit in? When you tell them no, they look at you like, fucking, you're not part of our club? Just a quarter million dollars just to join. 1%. But then they fuck themselves because

1:29:43 that actually just got kicked out of Lake Sherwood. What's up? baseball player hold on a second dykstra what is his oh lenny dykstra no he's that that's the guy He's fucking crazy. Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and whatnot. His son's dating the chick from the Sopranos. He was making money. It was Lenny Dykstra. He was the one who was kicked out. Oh, please. Lenny Dykstra did a thousand and one.

1:30:57 You know what, bro? And he went in his pocket with all hundreds. So now they're going at him for everything. He's going to be in worse shape than he was. What did he do he went to the car and tried to sell it he did something crazy i don't know He would go from Hollywood to Calabasas in a plane, bitch. Wow. So it is. Out. and he's up there talking.

1:32:56 because $20 million He goes, I'm broke. This guy and that guy. I can't pay for these houses. Look, he was not, it wasn't the best show in the world, but it was ridiculous. a clip of it off of youtube i heard when he uh he left and it's fucking remarkable it's really somehow that makes you less of a comic? way i'm doing it and he's saying so you're dismissing a great deal of really highly respected

1:35:33 No, no, no. then he wanted his brother to stop. You know, he has access to all of your material from your 14 one-hour specials. the quickest no i ate a little piece of a bang chocolate those bang chocolate triple strength Oh, my God. Or you said it. Somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season. Yeah, he did say that. And, or you said, somebody said you don't buy something to the fourth season.

1:37:19 Property taxes are still big. He's mine. Yeah, like one of those weird hotels that are like right off of the 101, man. Right. Well, whatever. go to gallagher gallagher you ever thought about doing a podcast he'd say no to you sort of a guy. A lot of these get off stage February 13th? So now you have to evolve. get my people on the road fine then everybody's on twitter we had the discussion before the thing

1:39:52 So you're talking about of radio stations in Florida and communicating and putting your videos up and giving away stuff, But let's fucking face it. 1,600 seats. It's all our fans now. I don't even like that word. It's all our people now. I want to suck Mr. Amazon's dick. I order coconut water. I have the little Amazon app on my iPhone. The iBooks I like, I really love for the iPad.

1:42:41 It's really hard to tell, but yeah, you can kind of see a little bit more depth, but it's not a huge difference. The gyroscope in it. What about, can I go online? I don't want one. I got to take something of a road. I know, but just eat it and then talk. I was going to be on Opie and Anthony last night. now explain to me what a shorty award is shorty award this is something i found out during all

1:44:59 for you on twitter and then uh so all these people are trying to win like Anthony's tweeting, I'm tweeting like who wins. So it's almost like And there's like she had like one eighth of the vote that Anthony had or one tenth of the vote even. They're selling you really expensive tickets That is ridiculous. or calculate what their numbers are? before the naked incident. I will give you money

1:47:40 where you sign up so basically you're 500 and that's even if it goes that's even if it goes at one with every What was he being accused of? I think people, they start out with ideas of doing something that helps, I understand. I don't understand when I'm giving you $100 You know, it's expensive to buy plane tickets. That said, you get something like the Coney situation,

1:50:26 And I mean, that guy clearly has some sort of a weird fucking nutty suppression. We just couldn't see it. Seriously. three months. But ladies and gentlemen, This Cody situation Yeah That the kid smoked pot It's going to get ugly. They got to do something. Not only that, he had a string of ridiculous 911 calls. We're going there, man. 14th and 15th the improv in fort lauderd. I've just been watching this thing escalate. Or not.

1:53:41 even if the kid was a punk, especially people without poor guidance or in a bad environment. They were in a bad place. doing something bad i mean you know kid was just, yeah. There's criminals and there's confusion. and I never did it again. Even in my darkest moments, I always just wanted a little bit of light so I could shine just to go forward. To get an apartment, to get a car.

1:55:55 and today I'm not fucking letting it or whatever, The same thing people have when they're gay or when they're in the closet about something they did. And that's why I always, I feel bad for, I see something sometimes and I know exactly what it is. Jesus Christ, you know, these spics are taking over. And then they go for the cop test, and there's a problem.

1:57:15 For some people, it's a job. Oh, we did it. I mean, it was cold out wherever it was. They showed they went on tour with him. Cops? If you're cruising, you're cruising for men, right? and he actually likes doing it some guys you can tell There's a way to get fucking flies with gum instead of fucking vinegar. If there was 60 people, there was 30 brothers they went there to see there's one black kid from

1:59:36 And I'm watching this cop. he goes what'd you say to me? I said, dog, And he looked at me. Three guys? There's things you look at and there's things you don't fucking look at. You're going to pull over to bother a homeless fucking guy? Yeah, well, we've talked about this before on the podcast. What the fuck would they ever do if everybody just followed the speed limit?

2:01:45 do any driving anymore this is it's a hundred percent on the way if you've seen the google of the American society and the downing of the Western world. I'm also a very cautious driver. She seems like a nice lady. Did you Google that? Testing driving the Google car. and you went along for a test drive. First, cruise control. it works. You tell the car your

2:04:54 They say this technology could one day cut traffic deaths in half. Oh my God, my God. They don't know what it would cost when it does come to market. Really fast and violently. It seems awesome. you're texting it the computer that it's it's running on for some reason just starts spinning the back of the semi. The only fucking advantage The advantage would be that this thing has gone over

2:07:48 I think you'd probably be safer. Yeah. That was the initial idea. the tallest of gates and the highest of mountains your house yeah you could never stop you know you could stop someone from driving in your driveway It's like living in that fucking movie. That'd be pretty crazy. We both go, you motherfucker. That shit's big in Colorado. Oh, that's fucking a nightmare.

2:10:35 It was natural. What's the matter, Brian? Do you think that's funny? because that's how dangerous it is As skinny as they can be allowed there's nobody anywhere anywhere near that and there's probably no cell phone service either People pull guns out, pull your car over, especially if you have a nice car. really nice people and they're not trying to hurt anybody. But there's been, there was another

2:13:30 but we ended up staying there until like midnight, and I had no buses, The ball was between my legs. sandusky guy do you know that story that he got taped they got him on a wiretap from earlier But isn't it fucked up that the brain is so weird like that Look at it. Something, yes, yes. I mean, if you think the world makes sense and that things come to light always, not necessarily, man.

2:16:34 and screaming and yelling. And they were really mad. They were really mad. They just, they would You know what, man? and the really scary thing is that supposedly, I mean, Like, You know, someone who has something horrible done to them when they're younger, they become that horrible thing, you know? Everybody fucks everybody. this monkey this monkey has molested that monkey the one that got molested throws poop more the

2:19:50 by you know they just fuck everybody and we just try to keep it together and only fuck one person you know in order to keep society It's molestation. I can't fucking tell. No, There was a girl Well, how old are these girls? It's almost impossible. but that's in the context and she's cuddling up like a god goddamn crowbar. Case closed. Oh. Could you imagine picking a girl out when she was like 12,

2:23:24 I think it's Hawaii. That can't be real. 16 and 18. No, I would think boys would be younger. I can marry a 12-year-old? Michigan, 16. Michigan, 16. Yeah, North Carolina, 16. Right. some of them 17 they look they like you remember like, who was the... Tracy Lourdes. That's why Hunger Games is so popular. I went to see it. Where are you going? I'm tightening down for my special, which is April 20th in Atlanta at the Tabernacle.

2:26:24 So get on that shit. April 2nd is pre-sales, and then I'm releasing it Friday the 13th, the last evening. People just want to buy it on iTunes. We can release it on the 2nd as we planned, but now we'll just wait for the graphics. Acupuncture. Right. cameraman he went to jersey and i taped like my grandma's school some of my fucked up buddies What it really is, I wanted to show people that, you know, when my parents died, it seems like a really bad thing when you're a kid.

2:28:33 I got nothing against it. well you got some great stories man your stories along with meeting the actual people, that's guaranteed entertainment. Yeah. And one of the things that he was talking about is like pumping each other up we really truly are bringing each other up which is really in hardest Yeah. We're clogging up the hole. and the shit they're getting fed on television.

2:31:17 they send you interesting shit they send you information they send you encouragement it pumps Yeah. I'll pay you. He sent it to me in weeks, Joe. Because that's what he specializes in. But on the other hand, how many people People hit me all the time. And the first time in my life, in my career, Somebody will fucking hit me up. Now it's Twitter and Facebook.

2:33:59 And the group of all of us together, like the loosely based group, i feel like you know as a as a group that, when you have a whole bunch of people, I always have something to do. I already have pages and pages of years I didn't know what I was doing. It's good. why i'm not successful because i'm not just doing jokes i'm not telling them about me what i see

2:36:34 You didn't have a fucking valid opinion on anything. He was talking about his friends lying about his friends texting him. No, I'm very excited about this time. And there's a show, 8 p.m. show? I think so. Yeah, I think it is the oldest. Social security numbers. or whatever the hell it was. just the coolest guy the nicest guy have you seen uh camel's million or it's movie the movie what

2:39:00 Yeah, so if you go to YouTube and click Movie the Movie, anti-guest. That's what nobody remembers. the one that died Really? Christmas album he brought in can I ask you a question and now people who go on there are selling shows. Yeah. What she's doing is rough. And we have no writers. why I don't agree with write a masterpiece. that my uncle got bitten the dick by a snake so he called the guy the doctor says you gotta suck it

2:41:33 If he does five shows a week, you know, sometimes he lucks out because you've got a great guest. we're comedians yeah what was that like we kill and we suck yeah how come when we kill we go home say, I forgot to do that joke. And I fucking forgot the joke. a little notepad. so as you're driving, it's gonna go, Thank you very much for having me on. I still have another 20 fucking years here.

2:43:46 Yeah, he was in the cover. I have a bunch of those CDs. Reprinted? Well, talk to them. I was a Joey Diaz fan from the fucking beginning. We were looking for they got run over or nothing. Yeah, they get into their heads. So they have these weird relationships where the woman is the one who makes the money and the guy stays home and shit and carries their luggage when they go on the road with them and stuff.

2:46:13 Rogan's in Louisville, Kentucky. and it will be our 200th Tickets available online. you can enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men. And I will tell you with 100% honesty, this is all stuff that I take. Thanks to everybody.