Joe Rogan Experience #1990 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. You changed mine too. fair. It seems all you're not a great comic and your friends are so much better. It's an old expression. And if you just remember why you got it in the first place, People get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life. day of a biker jacket Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world.

3:29 He's more, like, out of all the comics when I moved to New York that I could watch, like, Yeah. It should be how it works. Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do. there's people like me who leave the room. It's weird to be around them you know yeah it's like we've all you look at like a celebrity or someone and you brand them with the thing that you think

5:59 Like, you know, I'll give you a perfect one. That motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand. That guy is the coolest motherfucker like the coolest. I mean Like, holy shit. And he stands up and i stand up with him Yeah, this is in another country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife? she's mine. me in 2005 I put her name on own you and you own me.

10:00 I thought he was doing it. I thought he was doing Steve Harvey. Who wants it? Oh, that's good. he's out I don't think he drinks he does that. It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us comics. I said, what do you mean? But Izzy earns his Monday like what after that fight the way he celebrates life for like two weeks Your body's clean, you've been hydrated, you slept.

13:23 That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters Make him tell that story. Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. I'm not an actor. I just go like oh there Leanne was in Serbia and they were like hey you have a kissing scene today just a regular dude oh my goodness they're like they're like huh and i was like i don't know what

16:26 she kissed back I need tape here And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass. Oh, how rude is I see fucking Ron up in the top, and I go, it's surreal having your life turned They're like, so you rob people. Let's fucking just make it regular. And they're like, and you robbed your friends. Yeah, it's been interesting. Like that's my fan base.

20:36 know i just didn't think you know like nori from drink champs he's like dude i'm the he goes i told It does make sense. Oh my God, for sure. Are you going to stay and watch the movie I'm going to cry watching myself. I'm like I loved I loved watching me So the next time I sat in the back. But Mark's not going to watch it. like i've heard a few people like like like there are people like do you listen to your own podcast

23:53 It's like you have to kind of go back that like it's fun so I'm gonna you want to see people see your i changed it really yeah i fucking just changed it i was like that that's not how we're doing it I like it. No shade on anybody. Edward Norton's cool as fuck. okay, cool. Like just kind of like, uh-huh, yeah, Not one person. Can I just tell you, I think with some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off.

27:18 He's a really nice guy. The best Hulk. It's a toss-up. He's a dude. There's a lot happening. Yeah. They thought they, the words, I guess, when you, look, I'm not an expert, but the words I think in English, I just think our, Right. Like, it was just funny that I would say that because they don't, slangs aren't their thing. And I just walked in the door and said, I'm a car.

30:18 Keanu Reeves, that's the motherfucker. it would be cool, Like movies? just to see I just am not, just hit me. That's no in the especially in the first movie look at this in John wick one that scene where he goes through the disco his past where he worked for the Russian they killed his puppy. you did it's who you did it to yeah and he goes who that fucking nobody and he

33:50 Oh, fuck! What a fucking cool scene. The whole thing is when they explain who John Wick is. It's like, just to get to this one guy to get revenge. Spoiler alert. They're both great. That has got to be like Game of Thrones. I've gone to her, like, Googled her name. Leanne fixed one of her flaws, And a little crooked tooth. She was in fucking 300. If this movie does well.

37:27 Go out to the movie theaters, everybody. Go to the machine.movie, get your tickets, in Asian communities that do Asian films. sucks are the mom and pop ones like so there's the mom and pop ones usually in like uh asian spaces, but they don't have a company behind It used to be a two-screen. Now it's a five-screen. Walked me through it and it's funny to hear him talk about

39:24 i was doing well he goes what's the secret and know, he was like complimenting me that I was and they pieced it together with their uncle's money. Did you ever see the movie Run, Lola, Run? No. Is this, hang on, hang on this all this is Yeah, they exist. that are awesome too. Like, what was the one, The Room? Yeah. What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, oh, like, Clueless.

42:33 Everything is awesome about it. He brings a folder with him? You know that? What do you want, a kiss and make up? in a really good movie oh yeah especially now i think people don't tolerate this kind of like obviously Dan Marino throws up because he made out with a dude. This scene is like he just rips her shirt apart. Look at Dan Marino. has just brought some new evidence to my attention.

46:40 Mr. Winky. The dolphin's freaking out. Yeah, 94, man. Remember the Asian guy? And then they go to the party. They don't remember it And they're like, Dad, the girl's drunk. Rapes her. and he pretends She doesn't know it's him. let's play by the rules, okay? That what year was that it's got to be 84 sounds right uh just just say please 1984. Like you could never do that in a comedy now.

50:33 When I talk. Like, that was a fucking... take their top off for this scene and you're like oh yeah i guess you can't like you just Like, really. I mean, if we're talking about loss of freedom and free will, so they got bummed out. What do you mean? Yeah. We're not going to get to fight. I know. And then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine.

54:07 just put me to sleep well that's a good one to think about because Jesus fucking Right. Yeah. Do you think I truly understand in World War II, there was one Christmas or seen extending like they had to get letters to from one side to another side for from the Wow. Didn't they do that as well? Okay, that's what— because you don't know the full story

57:10 they're called theaters or whatever. Fucking my favorite ceasefire is during World War one day. They had a ceasefire with They did back then. Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish and then he gets in their car and the wolves run by them? I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it, but I saw a post of like five videos all showing this fucking object in the sky.

59:27 So watch. if that's real, shadows are perfect. Those wolves did run down that street, but not the time is what I'm saying. They'll be hard to fake. It would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that. I you can't talk to me about that stuff if I don't watch that stuff They're going to suck you in. Unless it'll help me quit drinking, and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat.

1:01:56 Not smoking. Well, let me tell you something. But do they just keep going higher and higher? How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device? And she's like, Dad, Dad, Dad. what the fuck is going on? No. It's this crazy fucking atmospheric change and it looks like you're getting invaded by It looks fucking crazy. It didn't record our audio, which I thought would be a viral fucking clip, because both Tom and I thought we were getting invaded by aliens.

1:05:29 what's the first thing fuck heads what's the first thing that is going on in our cultural You need leaders. And everybody wants less. I don't think that's legal. I've taken lion's mane, but that's like a regular. the first state that decriminalized everything they decriminalized like literally cocaine heroin You buy cocaine. I mean, that's like, you know that's bad for you, right?

1:08:21 We have a friend. And if you guess it right, I'll tell you. Okay, let's not. I was trying to fuck this chick. I remember that story. And he goes, we didn't meth, Joey. if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need like some homie that works at the adderall factory he sells you a barrel of these fucking things if you just chewed them all day long like you would just be like a person

1:10:14 If you take an Adderall, I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script and just being like, boom. This was a long-ass time ago like in the 70s and shit his way back. unprotected sex no one what are you having? If I had money, I'd invest in that fucking company. and it gets into your lungs. Do you want one right now? This is a good fucking cigar.

1:13:51 Yeah, this is a special one that he made just for us. Right. I like a big ring gauge. Kind of smoother, right? It's really good. No, but I'm way luckier. It's cool. It was really exciting just to have him around again. Because they only really know him as an uncle, for real. Georgia toured with him. That's where we're opening fully loaded in New York, at Forest Hills at the tennis arena.

1:16:20 Dot, dot, dot. You know, I mean, it's just, he needs that comic energy. He's the king of New Jersey. He was built for Jersey. It'll convince you that something's happening to your body. It's weird. I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting in my man cave or my gym is my man came down my gym Society you know that's the way Joey operates. And I think that's why he loves Jersey.

1:18:59 Yeah. Dude, he would be. is we're sitting there i made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard we're Joey Diaz line. But he wasn't trying I believe so. So that's what we're going to try to do. I'll take care of you. I said, whatever you need, I got you. I call Joey. that. Certain things will spook me. How did that happen? Oh, now we're going deep.

1:22:29 It makes good comedy. Yeah, don't do it. he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth, even though there's so much evidence? And I think whatever my dad did, it left me with a little bit of a hole. He said, stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you. I was forced to sit with it and I was like, I don't. And then I was like, okay. I was forced to sit with it.

1:24:36 My dad's like, this is why you're an idiot. So sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war and I was like wait, we're watching a war I can't speak for Tommy but I know Tommy was really Vietnam Tom's dad did nonsensical might have been connected to heroin have you been to Vietnam no I have not Japan's like it shouldn't be But then like you see in some cultures

1:28:27 pay attention to who's behind you, you just pay attention to who's in front of you. Right. This is insanity. Like we're accustomed to driving cars now that shit I'm not getting on horses not fuck them. I think they're beautiful amazing creatures I mean, I think there's people that are proposing, like, getting rid of a certain amount of them. No, it's beautiful.

1:31:18 Everyone's going to have a drink. No film just me will go and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint keeping up with me on the motorcycle. I don't think, here's my thought on it. and that's how they keep populations in check. Well, wild dogs are a problem. I went for a jog in Alabama where my wife's family lives. I jumped up, and I had to standing up there as this dog just stood there and barked at me and i sat i was i'm in running shorts headsets and i'm just sitting there waiting

1:34:02 Very much. This guy got torn apart. It doesn't matter. It was matter it's better it was actually it oh my god three dogs um two of them were pit bulls the third one was a german shepherd one falling apart. They kept attacking I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property. I sat in the stand for about 30 minutes after the dogs left.

1:36:15 I stood... I didn't know the story was going to be so long, ladies and gentlemen. So I guess he got out. This is why Germans are weak. because Germans don't have predators. No, I think it gave me anxiety. Really? And most dogs are great. I was like, poisonous spiders. and Isla was terrified. And I said something about, you know, this is island living.

1:39:13 No, my dogs got bit multiple times. Dude, you can't go on the beach at night in northern Australia. If you're a little tipsy and you sit down on what you think is a log. That's where I fucking grew up. Living in the lake. We would swim in the lake So that creates a person, right? Oh, yeah. Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments.

1:41:32 I'm not fucking around. Every part of you is covered. Oh my God, dude. Fuck that. And I was like, why to go snorkeling. Your whole body's covered. You have gel on your face. Every part of you is covered. It is a great barrier to reach. They've got nine of the ten. Keep away like anytime you saw debris on the side keep away from it Kelly Slater a lot and like

1:43:06 Yeah. And I think that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers. Look. Watch where his left foot That's his foot. You could easily flip it. That's the guy? It's weird. People But it's, I understand absolutely they're right. But I'm saying it is weird they're like there Because when you've got an abundance of dangerous reptiles and terrain where they can hide, you've got a real problem, kids.

1:46:06 anytime I see a guy if I had a tie on, But I wonder if, Shout out to Eddie Bravo. Well, I started martial arts when I was 15. obviously, whatever. what did you weigh it like when you got into martial arts what did you weigh well i wrestled Can you tell me a bullying story? and then he decided not to. I didn't touch him. And I had to pick one or the other.

1:49:49 That seemed to me to be something fun to do. 180 pounds. Obviously, I said I'd fight Israel. Everyone should know I'm a comedian. But that energy is where my sense of humor leaned. one time I got beat up They're like, you don't get jokes. and there are men not to fuck with. I've called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast. We had a technical issue, headphone jack issue.

1:53:07 Just bring back comedy bring back comedy support either of our movies go out and watch comedies bring back comedies You could never. You're going to see a lot of it. My first scene isn't hard. if you're if you're a little bit of a lighthouse for for us comics is where you know you've always Well, people want to be safe, and they don't want to get fired, man.

1:55:39 in another thing like that for the left or for the right. dialed in. Yeah, pretty dialed in. So I bring I was like, wait, because I don't follow the news at all. I go, I don't think they went hard enough. And he kills the Bud Light. Just go so far the other door. Is it a lesson for the other corporations if you want to attach yourself to like polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot button social topics there's consequences

1:58:15 the company has to be representative. Because if they can do it with that, then it keeps moving further and further down the line. And some dude, I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor is like, You can't force someone to wear a pin. Get the fuck out. that would freak people out. Do this June 2020. And then I saw people not posting and like posting a picture of their mom or something,

2:00:35 But I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right? i'm him i do support my favorite some of my favorite human beings are black my bus driver You know, whether it's a woman's right to choose or whether it's pro-choice or whether it's, you know, do you support Black Lives Matter? you go i know this is gonna like i know some of these la parents that i lit friends with or some

2:03:25 but I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends. I'm not going to fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people I got into fucking Boy, I could see why people would be so upset, obviously. I counted last night. I was like, this is because I've just seen you. When he says it, it doesn't cause any tension. it's a stand-up comedy when they're using it the way they want to use it, whether it's in hip hop lyrics or whether it's in stand up comedy, when they're using it the way they want to use it, it's a beautiful like social

2:06:26 and it's a white guy and he's like on that word I mean it's a in a positive way. You know, typical Jew. But if you said it to them, they'd yeah i can't throw a baseball you know typical jew Everyone's laughing. If we can't hang out, then we're not friends. He goes, Papa Bert's here. Right? It would have ruined the night. I don't know because Fuck yeah.

2:10:06 Is that the right word? It censors the N-word. Oh, my God. I never really heard that word growing up. Have I told you this story? I'm like a shitty old computer that has way too many fucking movies on it. You're going to really experience a community. Have you ever seen this? No. He has a burning spear.ceola comes out on Renegade, and he has, on the horse, have you ever seen this?

2:12:19 and he rears Renegade back on his two legs, I'm fucking 18 years old. This is so crazy. Dude, this is me at 18 with no idea. One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years. Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there. Everyone's chanting and cheering for their warriors. This is my grooming Joe. This is the snakes. I grew up with these are the Gators I grew up with okay

2:14:12 It's not showing it on this video. the place pops. So it's your rolls. It's no they welcome back birdie boy okay like it's like it's like they have a red carpet lined up and they say to me they say and I take a Tell me how fucking beautiful that is. Oh, yeah, I saw this. Fuck yes. Play that at my funeral Yeah And living in the swamps I drank out of so many shoes, Joe.

2:16:29 It was my shoes. Oh, Christ. If you Google Bert Shuey, you'll see him all over the place. Like people in some countries, they drink their water and they don't have a problem. hangover, right? massacres but it wasn't it was that for sure it as, yeah, massacres. But it wasn't. And you go back to Cabeza de Vaca when there's a great book called A Land So Strange.

2:18:49 There's, what these guys encountered Because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it, And happened probably throughout the Micronesia, probably when James Cook started discovering people sick and a few people died from whatever they got sick from yeah and so Al Capone. Scary shit, man. And they put on these wigs, and they were very popular socially, and everyone started wearing wigs.

2:22:08 I love those. old they were. There's probably a few. He loves you. He's a big dude, and he's still strong as fuck, and he's tight. So I was thinking about this. you when you picked up and he grabbed the phone he goes Joe and you're like oh Holy shit. What are you doing? I'm doing a movie them And the fucking- Charades. Yeah, it was against Vitor Belfort.

2:25:03 Like, the actual eyelid had separated. Yeah, I remember that. Well, I remember it kind of. They couldn they had to stop the fight. Like the actual eyelid had separated. And then you look at like Izzy and fucking Conor like arenas, in our generation. Do you remember the number he said he did? I don't remember what the number was, but it was like, holy shit.

2:26:27 it's a wild time like he's just you know It's just crazy that like I was trying trying to break it down in my head. I mean, there's just social media and podcasts just changed everything. You didn't have like your three openers Hey, Bert, who's that guy? And maybe not enough people know that and maybe not enough never cared about Yeah, that's pretty wild.

2:29:19 I had a very unique situation. like, what is that about? And I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit. And this was I'm like, it's just a mindset switch. that do well and you help We have to take credit to the store too because it all really came to fruition at the store Just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room.

2:32:22 Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. once in life. Sure where these holes are cuz that that that's a pretty honest audience He goes, that's the best joke you have. Put it in secret time in the first, like, 14 minutes, I work with a young lady who's fucking a gangster and he said, I'm paraphrasing tell Joe wanted you. He's like, Joe's like, I'm starting a club. I want that guy. Yeah.

2:34:39 And you walk in. And I went, everyone. You know, behind your time. No, well, the Machine story was number 95. I never would have told her. I'm so sorry. yeah it's gonna be like the number one movie in the country what are you talking about Wow. Are you trying to play gotcha journalism? We tease these bitches. Hey, we all changed each other's lives like legitimately we really did we got a great thing going on there's a lot of us it's a lot

2:38:26 support it in the theaters. there's only one way. And I know that's a selfish ask. They basically go. What did you pay? make me money and then they'll start leaning into it and then there'll be a there's a bunch of people so he made like all of a sudden do great in the movie theaters then come to us and do even better because people are watching Doesn't that sound like a Hicks joke?

2:41:27 And Tim Dillon's project gets screenlit on Tuesday. Ah, because We're crying laughing. But they've got to trust that they can make their money back. I mean, superhero movies is the easiest. in this. Let's roll the dice. Now, granted, gotta let them know that the money, I bet it can happen you know it really can and in that sense a lot of times if people like it but

2:43:53 Siskel and Ebert, they didn't hate it for the right reasons. I mean, I don't know. Is there a... That's it? Jesus Christ. And the teacher comes and grabs it. Like, someone jacked me off. Jesus Christ. But think about how much culture. We proved it on the internet. Shane Gillis is a gangster. That's all people got to know in Hollywood. He's putting money out.

2:46:20 Louie? why is the stage so big? I'm like, why is, why is the stage so big? He goes, I think the stage should be can you make it lower? It feels good. So he had that. uh what you're saying it's harder because it's like echoey like in the vulcan it was a little We did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and I upgraded my package you're going to fall in love with the sound of this.

2:48:31 because you're doing so many shows? and you bring your own stage with you. I told Shane and Mark we did whatever the arena in Tempe for the Super Bowl. You're gonna really love it because I paid extra for it how few car accidents there are. People are so goofy. It's kind of amazing that most days you For sure. I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show.

2:51:02 How long did you think you were on for? Because I was like, because you know how sometimes you get high, time goes a little slower. I can say whatever the fuck I want. Always wanted to tell. If they're open Monday, I want to do Little Boy. That was a fun It's like there's a vibe in the building. that's what you want to hear in life I know it's going to be the number one movie in America, or we're all communists.

2:53:40 BertBertBert.com.