Joe Rogan Experience #1991 — Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Joey Diaz, laughing gas weed. Oh, my God, dude. You both pussied out. You called him a pussy, and then you passed out. He's bullying, and he's not doing it. You have my favorite Do that dude He came from another country It's so cool. Dude, I tell you, I looked up that a bunch of times when I was there, and I still don't know.

1:39 Greeks were gay. What's the Parthenon? Yeah, Google that. I'm pretty sure the Par... One of them of the buildings. Yeah. But what's the structure that it sits on? What's the Parthenon? the Acropolis... The fixer-upper, for sure. It actually opened up a field of study at Harvard. That's where they came up with everything. That's where they came up with everything

3:28 The what mysteries? And they would just trip their fucking brains out and figure things out. They're not great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking for rapists, what? And I was like, no, I've only failed in protecting any parks It's the only nature he gets Yeah Going to a park You have to go with your own kid Oh, really? That's the only way I know it. Slap me, Pappy.

6:11 Yeah. He ran out and stopped it, but I think he was just not paying attention for a brief. Brian Laundrie. And he stopped it. He ran out and stopped it. Yeah. Jesus Christ, what a horrible thought. I want some visitation rights. and the guy's a big guy, and he gets in his face, and the guy goes and gets an AR, and Yes, the stepdad. Okay, you got a gun.

8:22 Yeah, do something, man. He takes his shirt off while the guy has a gun out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Harrison Ford, he gets high all the time. He still nails it. Just get high and just go through life spaced out. Jesus Christ. They just distracted someone and grabbed their kid. What? that he's the best He goes they told you you can't masturbate. Do you know what happened to you if you don't masturbate?

11:12 It's like in the name of the Holy Father or something. He would fight, fuck everybody. Holy hell. And that one world theater was built by a cult so that their leader could dance in front of them And he started this cult in West Hollywood called the Buddha Field. Because he fucked all the straight guys. And he charged them for the therapy. And now they owned it.

13:24 The stadium would be packed, and he'd score 80 goals. They caught him. Get out of here. Isn't it wild that everybody knows about cults, It happened quick, man. I got up. Oh, they're all cults. They figured it out. Good marketing. There's a difference between a town and a city. had to do a ritual bath to get clean. He fucking Those New York Jews got to take a couple more ritual baths, dude.

16:10 of women that must throw themselves at him he's a superstar and he's a man of What have you done wrong this week? So hot. Wow. The wildest was the Mormons. Stick it in, soak it, then leave it in. Yeah. Yeah, it would feel better. Should I bring that up, please? I think I'm sucking in your dick. The worst part about docking you know Dan Henderson, hey, if you don't shut the fuck up,

18:55 You remember that? He's like, ugh. Why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down? His wife was out of control. I think a brawl broke out that night or maybe the next day. Fucking thousands. Yeah, thousands. We've done. Bro, how many shows have we done together? A whole bunch. Fucking thousands. What? That's how they get it taken. I'm mad. Maybe they were the one they were like no

20:31 Yeah. He was like, I'll use any tool against my enemies. I think that guy and you're on this that's probably true not true but don see i think that's the elevator i think that is people that J-Lo. I was like, okay. There's weird people that get a kick out of having power over the star. That happened to me. And he's like, so I was fucking my wife in the ass.

22:29 He's taking all the fucks out, the jizz out. And you're like, how can I re-aim this? They just don't exist anymore. It's like, if you want to get that hundred bucks, wait, And the thing is, Everybody was like, you're going to get on The Tonight Show now. that are like, I got to get my stuff Isn't that crazy Yeah. Not telling anybody. He calls him a Holocaust denier.

25:02 That's a fucked up aspect of people. Are you excusing Egan's behavior? No. There's always been people that have joined I heard Benedict Arnold, it was really another guy. He rushed out of West Point while George was there. Yeah. Maybe it was because of pussy. Like a bitch, dude. That's the way to get in. That was the spy way It's like meeting a shark

27:19 She just plays violin Yeah, hey, you know that chicken fucking oh, please don't tell me my wife and I was like no way worse worse More than one? There's nothing funny about that. Wow. I think if you're gonna... She at least was like An incident caught on FBI electronic surveillance. That's probably how you get by. The mayor of Cleveland they're changing the name

29:35 trying a bigger thing, but this guy's cool. She's sucking the mayor of Sioux City. Hmm, interesting. Bah! Yeah. No, I don't think so. of releasing a Marine or They just started? How's she doing? She got an 8 in her first game. He just throws a fake and Luis fully Legit. That one guy. How come no trans? Yeah, they would be dunking. That's pretty good.

32:40 And they can't stop you. It's so strange. He identified as a lady and won the poker tournament. Full CTE. Until you dribble, Me and Matt were on their podcast. We beat them 11, 12-0. Lewis kept asking me to do the podcast, and I was like, I'm not doing it until you pay me. After the game, it got heated. You guys drinking? Me and him fight a lot. You didn't know what you were doing.

35:18 That's not bad. What are you doing? What? He's competitive. He plays basketball video games. Oh, okay. He wears a chain wallet. I left it in the back of a cab. It's so corny. It's a little front zip-up wallet for credit cards. That's a fanny pack. I was like look at that fanny pack Good band The hipsters Yep Wear it right over your dick Yeah. Oh, no.

38:18 They would make jokes and they come in and it's like they're like do you love fags in here? Tony was there? It's not even close. Yeah. Yeah, a lift. Yeah, the bonnet and the boot. Oh, good point. Yeah. They had to go on the other side of the road, too, those dorks. Ran over a kid. That's the rumor. Jennifer Grey? Lorraine a bonnet That's right. talked about this.

41:04 No way. I don't know what a dick. they did the first penis transplant. Left the apartment with a severed appendage with one hand. telling them what had happened. Yeah. That's one of the funniest. Docking. Cut off. If you do transplant with someone else, your balls carry your DNA. Also, if you get a dick transplant, you're going black, though. Yeah, but you also want the girl to be discolored.

43:25 What do you want? material from the donor. His name is Dick Reddit. Dick Reddit. Dick Reddit. His name is Dick Reddit. Do it. So they had to get surgery, and the dad was like, go eight inches. Yeah, but what if he wanted nine? Keeping a kid with a giant dick's like the opposite of a boy named Sue. There he is. Wow. Don't fuck the kids. What the fuck?

45:50 You got to keep the middle one. Is that a total recall? What is it? A centimeter long schlong situated under the sack. Immediately go again. A lot of weird dicks out there. The language It's the best back page. That's a crazy nickname. No, that was ESPN. Yeah. It was not on purpose. Oh, in the Hornets' defense. Is that A's announcer? He goes, he's like, we've had a great time here.

48:43 Bruh. Yeah. No, he's blind. The horror in her face when she realized that she said gay instead of blind. You go the amazing thing is that he's house You're like this doesn't make sense capital of the world. And he doesn't know He didn't know an apology he's like i'm so sorry if you never want to work with me again all this cassianos This is the best.

51:30 He goes back into it. Radio, yes. The Whitefish. No kidding. Yeah. Funny. Fighting is easy because it's all happening. Do you guys have to go, oh, he's circling. starting to set things up. You see someone He's the best. He's the best at recall. he never gets in the way. Yeah, we all have earpieces in. especially a big show, Which song is it? I love it.

54:52 It's the best. Yeah, the whole fucking card is bananas. any. Well, if I No, no, the other one. It's not the Cirque du Soleil one? That's like, is perfect. That looks pretty great. Bo Nickel, let's go, dude. Brandon Moreno versus Pantoja, that's a fucking great fight. Yair has some of the craziest kicks. Look at this. And on the ground, he's fucking. He finished Josh Emmett with a triangle on his last fight. On the ground, that's a tall Mexican. His striking, and on the ground he's fucking, he finished

57:40 Behind the back kick? Back it up. Watch this elbow. Look at that. Was that the zombie? He does everything, man. He's been around a while. Yeah, he was on the 2014 Ultimate Fighter. He's just so different than anybody else. See, in that distance, you're fucked. Volkanovski yeah number one yeah he lost lost to Islam Akachev. Wow. He's so nasty. What year was this?

1:01:12 He was so good. Yeah, you can't look at them when they're deteriorated and say, oh, overall they didn't. Yeah. Oh. Oh. And Marco's Rogerio De Lima. That's a great fight, too. Michael Ch right up and fight him. Derek Lewis and Marcos Rogerio de Lima. He's the man. That guy throws thunder. Because I don't think Pereira really wants to make 85 anymore.

1:03:05 He'd be better if he walks around He walks around way over 205. Yeah. I'll take a nibble. So what's these chocolates? Were these these ones we were eating last time mm-hmm. They're like one careful Volkanov. He's funny, too Bert Kreischer was saying he got a throat infection from doing shoeies in Australia. It means sucking dicks. No way. That's the coolest shit they do.

1:04:57 Tui Vassa do it, Volk will be standing there Is it? Yeah, I think sucking someone's cock and cum coming in your mouth is the most gay. I watched people drink a glass of cum. Is that right? Oh, shit. days I don't know if you guys remember this but they used to do tests on people What? I think it was just nonsense. Fisher. The guy when you were fishing. Strange people trying to find out.

1:07:35 Oh, yeah. Hey, we should go fishing. It was so fun. The mosquitoes were insane. Insane. In Alaska? Yeah, it was fun. Yeah. The mosquitoes were insane. Northern pike eating another northern pike. Oh, is that right? Big Jew. Wow. Look, you get the Bud Light cans a pretty good idea. What was the idea? Yeah. Hollywood? Pepe. Then we're definitely going to use it.

1:10:15 I've never gone. this one was the greatest, this man is white supremacy. And they started showing Yeah. Punch buggy. My bad. To reflect it, dude. No. That was a classic. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. got me right in front of this girl. No. Give each other a vag grab. Oh, in the wool. I'm a fan. I mean, he was a great guy, but he told me this story about making out with this girl

1:13:49 I'm like, I don't think this happened, sir. I like gay people. Fuck. It's nutty. Wait, who's Fez? Fez? Light a fire. Ron and Fez were great. He's a killer. because the whole building sold the stand. He does love New York. He had to like run. I forgot. It was such an end of the a conversation Ron Bennington's Yeah. And now young comics have so much.

1:16:48 Oh, the true masters. Yeah. I never. God damn, this is it. The idea was if I did it anywhere else, Art Barker, Doug Benson. It was nuts. Comedy Central was run We were trying to figure out Wow. I thought I'd help you. And then they went full. Yeah. I think they're more... What happened to Tosh? What's he doing? He's around. He take their stuff and sell it off. Tosh.0 was big. They make more money. Tosh.0 was gigantic.

1:19:32 Great comic. Oh, yeah. There was a petition to get him fired, take the show away. There you go. Not new, but new, his latest. They locked him up Right. to go other places. I could do whatever I Yeah, some of them do. It was so bad. What I should have done is I have access to a giant platform. Yeah, I should have gone wild with it. And then just pay all these employees and be like, no, I'm still doing my.

1:21:51 I had to go around the system to get Norman on. That one stripper really liked you. Oh, yeah, yeah, well. Also, fuck the makeup girl. Hey, easy. Sick, dude. That one stripper really liked you. You got that right. That's way less crazy. Jesus Christ, dude. Well, the hooker's in a... Come on. Really? Those smoothies are $9.99. You got it. Breadsticks. Do you use those?

1:23:45 He ate three of my french fries. Crawfish boil, whatever. Yeah, you're fucked up. Dude, wait. Oh, all right. You had chunky? You'd get powdered milk. It was cheap. Yeah, people had it. Powdered milk. I remember growing up having it. Yeah, water to it. Yeah, tap. Sorry. What was I saying? Powdered milk. I said evaporated milk. Yeah, it's pretty rough.

1:25:02 Really? And they do that show with those pipes. Lead poisoning. Oh, yeah. You ate a lot of paint chips as a kid? Do you know that lead gasoline, before they made unleaded gasoline, lowered everyone's Like literal lead poisoning from the sky. You were breathing in. See if you can find that. 1940s. Because I seem to remember it like when I was in high school.

1:27:03 Wow. That's me, bro. Isn't that fucked? so fucking smart. Everybody's depressed. Oh, girls're killing themselves. Everybody's depressed. instead of just hearing about it later? it changes the way your face looks, It's all devoid of character. This is fake. You've got a filter on your face. It looks like Yeah, and they look way better. Yeah, there's guys out there that are masters

1:29:51 They got to do it. Kardashians all have great surgery very nice like you look at what they did like they shaped their fucking skulls do that? I think they got feminizing surgery. You do? Facial feminization surgery. I got one about it all. I own one. You do? But I think it's going to go way up. Six billion. Phillies Gillis shirt? Yes. Jersey? what is it, your period?

1:32:17 Getting Bud Lights. yeah, You gotta get the draft. That's smart. Yeah. It'll be forgotten in a month. You guys are crazy. This is a big deal. I'm telling you, don't forget. They've already done it. They're running tough. Yeah. And they did it gay commercial. I saw that one. Raptor? Yeah. The truck. Redefining tough. Don't regret that comment. Hashtag very gay Raptor.

1:34:47 That's interesting. the Raptor, yeah. True. Everyone's having a good time so far. Shut the fuck up. Because to me, it's just unoriginal. It's the women liberal arts fucking They take it anywhere. You're just lucky. You're just lucky. It's like us and then it's like the lowest possible. It's happened in Canada. Look at that dude. I think this is the only case I could find where this happened.

1:37:38 Molson Blue's Bud Light. Oh, yeah. It's cold. I don't feel anything yet. Eat the other half of that chocolate I got. Why are you sizing them up? Oh, it's body mass. I feel like some guys, bigger hits them hard. So what does it depend on? Oh, yeah. You ever meet a guy who can't get high? Jamie has this crazy thing where he can eat like a thousand milligrams.

1:39:52 You should be done for a while. to go, but I'm doing your podcast, so fine. Oh, no. He broke Owen. I mean, I was gone there. I probably drove home, to be honest. of one. What a nightmare. I love going to watch. that the UFC built Yes. It was crazy. There's no one there. there during like i always feel lucky it's the only sport going on but to be there during covid

1:42:55 Wow. Really? hear that. He had the bad right now. Because they do it for all the fights there. The Palm Casino. He's so terrifying. And he's not just charging in like he did in the first fight. There's three people in there. Boy, he's a tough guy He goes down in the record books He was ready. And then Francis spins around and gets his back. And he evolved his grappling,

1:45:56 I'm happy he's going to get paid. Wow. I'm on mushrooms. Oh! Oh, that hurt. Exactly. do that where they group of guys that don't go into If one person told me. Exactly. He has 10 writers in the green room after a show. So I'm like, what's going on there? We'll talk later. Who is it? You don't have to do a show? Chill an hour. We're going to have fun.

1:48:57 I was like, oh, boy. I've looked that up. Jan Blokovic. I'd be so happy. I want it to be, because I think it's funny. Interesting. Interesting. Russia went. There's some shady shit. of here. I do. That one is Aliens are real, but- Slow it down. These guys, 50 guys observed this thing. Hormel. I think it's one of your security guys. Daughter's school lunch.

1:52:00 That's why it's fun. it's a video. So this thing, what 50? You'd think they would have been here by now. Only magic does that. It vanished into thin air. How about us? I think they got everything they were looking for. Yeah, all those guys that said they got probed were definitely just sexually assaulted. Son of the bitches? That guy, there's a bunch of witnesses.

1:54:26 And he gets hit with his beam. He falls down. They drive off. They get like Why did it be in the first place? with the money. They don't know who that guy is. Oh, no, no, no. That's a chupacabra. I think people gave up on that. No, you don't. of energy was in the husk of the stalk. Crop circles were made by a supernatural person named Doug and Dave.

1:56:59 Not one drop of blood. Yeah, that is more likely. Come on. The same reason a fucking alien would. But why no blood? just to keep the status quo. It's just demons. inexcusably evil, A little more. The reports of cattle mutilations began in 1973, It's demons. They want to. What about Target? tuck your penis Now we've closed the circle. Here's where I saw it.

2:00:14 Okay, so it's not for kids. They're stopping selling some stuff because some employees were getting harassed by people coming in asking. Gross. were talking about, that's how they think about things. And then you get out to the real world, oh, there's like four. Red Band had one for a long time Let's say beer light on your shirt. They're available now online.

2:02:08 You can go to Vulcan. Cap City. What's the small room? I don't know. I don't know. They have two rooms. Cap City's good. They have a small room and a big room. Yeah, Cap City's great. What's the small room? That was the shit. Bill Hicks might have been there. There's a lot. And we started the first night, fuck, Then they all go back Yeah, that chair behind the stage.

2:03:39 You know, let everybody know what you're trying to do. You like hikes and art. Give him a hard time. I don't have to pee today. Guys, while I was touring in Europe, I found out about the Fourth Reich, and it's something Some guy put it on And they'll go, hooray. comrades because they're what the hell Just do this tour. All right. Hey, who's the guy with the fucking felt hat, the mushroom guy?

2:06:05 Trying to pass out here. Look at those mushrooms. Yeah he get Xanax? I got a long Australia flake coming up. Trying to pass out here. My God. Smell it. No, we just didn't pee in the hallway gone longer than you should have been. I wish I sucked. It was the total normal time to be gone. Just smell it. I knew he was gonna pee out there. What thing? Joe was dancing in the green room.

2:07:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just, everyone was, we were just laughing and laughing and laughing. I just wanted Adam's my favorite part In the green room You know it's like we had something at the Vulcan and it was really cool Find yourself talking next to some fucking clean glasses or something. Oh, no, you son of a bitch. No. Do you want to piss? I'm going to bully you.

2:09:25 Fuck Europe. They're just state birds. Turkey? Little Persia? That was a cover? Every band. If you're doing a live performance Yeah, right. No, not nice. It's warm. We couldn't do 30 seconds of this. Have you researched repressed memories? You've changed the planet. You came down. It's all right there. No shit. I'm just trying for like $200 billion a year. You have a comedy club called The Mothership. It's all right there.

2:11:55 You just do them? What a fucking cover. Where's your escape pod? I like staying up in UFC. So you wanted to go back in time. Everybody's always like, What did you say? Now you're back. But you're very America. I always hated that guy. Alien talk. I love it. Yeah, because there was Mike's Hard Lemonade. That one, I'm like, how did you even want to go for the trigger?

2:15:45 Zima who drank Zima you're at the bar You always say that. No, I meant this. You won't hold your straight face. Oh, yeah. Atta baby. I saw him. Oh really? He's like, how good can you get? America. Oh, you motherfuckers, dude. This is like watching your girlfriend cheat. Oh, there it goes. Oh, you motherfuckers, dude. Bro. You beat me by a Tesla 0 to 60.

2:18:18 That was insane. Wow. I don't think so. Big fella. What is that? Good to have you back. Get up with these stories. Fuck, last time. Really? I was wasn't dreading. You dread these? We've got two shows. But you haven't had a beer or anything. That's right, the weed. I don't remember. I like Bud Light. Sweatshop. Yeah. Do you think Bud Light's going to bounce back?

2:21:21 Give me $20. Yeah. and goes you know I like that's right And I was like, it was so stupid that I was like, I kind of remember. He smothers him with a pillow. Him killing his kid. You try to tell that to somebody? Well, what's funny is the idea that this guy's like commentator They got hit somehow or another. Oh, yeah. Giant cross. True story. Imagine you're obsessed for a decade in the basement.

2:24:24 How was he right? How was he right? Oh, Trump ties. Well, if he's sleeping There it is. Like Diaz. David Cross loved crack? oh, and I mean the lady went to Paris, we went to In the Louvre. I thought you had a smoke Someone has Molly. Yeah, maybe. David Cross talks about trying crack. Fun episode. Really? But I saw some beautiful art. Mona Lisa. Oh, my God.

2:28:02 That's a mouthful. Oh my God, it's already on the internet. Hotter than Hillary. Yeah, but he didn't get busted. Happy birthday. What years were those? We going history? I'll take any drug of faith. Just weed. It's one of the greatest trolls of all time. Yeah, I guess you're right. Damn. So he had a video of him where he continued to lose weight. It was like cinnamon.

2:31:21 Cherry Coke is delicious. She's got great cans. Pudding floor. Imagine a reality show, a real reality show. Crack in the Louvre. And be like, oh my God. Oh my God, I got to shit. Oh my God. Brutal. Pudding floor. Welcome to the Louvre. So where do you do Molly? We got to get out of here.