Joe Rogan Experience #2011 — Tony Woods Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Because I was like, somebody said, hey, Joe got a new club. That's going to be fun. that's gonna be a long flight you flying through boston to go to africa i'm like what yeah Thank you. People get amped up about it. You know, just perfect for the comics, perfect for the staff. This is the stage. The ceiling is designed by comedians yeah where the comic comes in says you know we need to fix this we need to do that we had Louie come in too that helped a lot of clubs that are designed by comedians yeah where the comic comes in says you know we need to

3:17 you know how much money I put into this club? and you rip on it and then they'll go and fix it But it was like one of those clubs, like the Ice House in Pasadena. dusty the velvet curtain was but that was dope you come in it's like i like that yeah that and literally the only item where if it's on the you can describe it and there was a banana peel on

5:27 We don't have to wear these. And you guys don't have it here, but we got the smoke and stuff. I know a guy. Right. and I didn't care. NBC. as a corpsman, but you already got your mask Just for the three-day weekend, man. And I was talking to this guy one time who was in my unit. I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff. sides, Does it sound like I'm lisping a little bit?

9:02 Now that you said it, I can tell. your tongue has to figure out where that is. And so when you say them and then when you go, come on, say them like that. If you're a person who's easily annoyed, I apologize. This is the map of the last day or so. But it's definitely not trees burning. For sure they're burning down buildings. It's supposed to be dead in the center somewhere.

11:12 You think Michigan is cold? you get used to it. to me as an explanation what what are they saying started this fire? They're not. but those fires account for more than 85% of the wildfire destruction. Okay. They just burn until there's today run into water. Yeah It's really bad. It looks like L.A., like, it's just, it's like that. Well, I guess the wind hadn't got to me.

13:58 But that for sure is smoke, too. That would be the dumbest way to get rid of those chemicals ever. Why would anybody light all those chemicals on fire in the woods? But imagine that is how you choose to get rid of chemicals. I'm thinking maybe it wasn't their woods that they set on fire. That's the question. There was a few places. Yeah, what was that?

16:00 Stay in your homes. That's the next thing they're going to do. Matches though, right? Yeah, matches. But disposables are this. This is a disposable. Lighters with fuel. Yeah. Oh, you have to take. They took my really nice Zippo. But disposables are this. How do you know that doesn't have fuel? Yeah. They took that? They took that. officer on whether the item is allowed through

17:48 A cane? She didn't know? The book the place used to go get like ears and buy throwing stars. There's a comedian Him and another comedian got into it Yeah, I'm all around your waist. Big shout out, Willie. He lives in London. You ever do over there in the UK? Yeah. How was that? And then they have this slug and lettuce. modi uh who else you know a lot of those guys uh patrice everybody we all school

21:11 that's what yeah yeah You do that before? No, never did that. Yeah. Yeah, he's perfect for that, too. Zelensky? And they would play piano with their dicks. Well, I didn't do a show with him. Imagine all the people who said, man, he's smoking Newport's with that dude. I remember one of the presidents that we had here, Well, like Wonder Woman's plane.

23:46 Yeah. They figured out how to do some weird stuff that makes it look like someone's invisible and things are invisible. whatever the screen is. And it looks like she has... For sure. Thing on his wrist. He was just going to kill some animals. Yeah, but he's just taking their heads. yeah he was no different than you he was just going nice people Africa's a very

26:15 which they very much appreciate my friends have been over there said it is actually a very nice Yeah. He broke a tooth. You know what I'm saying? 1898. a cause commonly attributed to big cats turning to humans as prey. Duh! Yeah, no manes and his breath. I thought all the't have manes. That's so fascinating. Yeah, no manes and his breath. Imagine you're spending your whole life

29:10 They'll stumble over their own feet. No work. Yeah. Savo is hotter and drier than the Serengeti and a male with a heavy mane So are there lions like that right I have the guy in it who directed it. You can't be closer than 20 feet. back away and again you can never eat in front of them ever i tell you steal your food and fuck And I always thought that they were like vegetarians.

31:39 And this is one of the things that he was kind of like It's just. They're so close to us. Well, I guess birds of prey eat other birds too. Pelicans? See if you can find, like, pelican eats pigeon. Look at him forcing it down. Seagull eats a rabbit, rat,'s more impressive. Seagulls eating rats, it's wild. They just throw them all back. Seagulls get them.

34:19 No, this is a seagull that's going to eat a rat. Yeah, how long do you think you can eat, that happens at the Hollywood Hills. I mean most likely won't most likely your dog will fuck up a rat There's a ton of videos Jesus Christ That's gotta be That thing's grabbing you, and it's flying off with you. Jesus Christ. And they dropped it. no, bitch, give me that.

37:26 Get out of here, bitch. They're really fast. Just, Uh-huh. It's cold over his head. Is that person holding one? Look at that guy holding one, the lady holding one on the top. Fruit. Look at them. right in Chinatown. It's a black tie thing. And she's just, I can't believe you ran. Yeah. works I watched a video the other day of one getting attacked. He was coming.

41:01 It's dark. I'm going to get rabies in London. Peace, bitch. I don't know. So he's like, oh, all right. Gets over it Let me piss on it real quick Does he get up? Does he leave after that? Because I guess it's like curing meat or something. He's like just the baddest little dude. Ferocious little animal. Really? And we walk by. And then we go to feed the little goats, the little pebbles. fucking do that right here. You're going to fucking do that, you bastard.

44:20 you kicked them and so then they came after you? Because you're like, he does this when he laughs. He's been Bender the whole time. Yeah, if I knew it was going to be this type of party. Kids. I mean, Tony, I've at him. Look at him. Kids. and Def Jam. We stayed in the Sahara Hotel you do these training He, all the animals started running. hey, we're out of perimeter.

47:04 Nova Scotia. No. I've never seen him, but I never heard nothing like that either. He didn't sound like that, but it was the same power. I was joking around about it and everything. Oh, I see. Yeah. But there's nobody's in the joke I'm just camping and we oh I see yeah so tell me you get you know, it's supposed to be Shit, man, we was on our third day, dog.

49:58 He didn't want to be there the morning we wanted to be there. And then that's when he's, he's kind of, you know, and of course we're like, fuck out of here. Well, I wasn't really worried about Bigfoot because from a corner of that dude, Really? I want to believe this. That's been the least on the road. Yeah, me too. The naked one. So I know. Where are the people?

52:52 Yeah. Yeah. He's a guy who won, little thing down i thought it was it it vibrated all the other times oh it Oh. Screen's locked up. you're like, what the fuck is wrong with her? I'm like, Ma, somebody could just take the hole and everything is gone. Something like that. And wait, hold up. Yeah. On Tuesday. yeah look at that jammy yeah wow my my as a of fact, I got the thing in my baby toe,

56:44 It's gone, y'all. You remember the sandals back in the day with the tire treads on the bottom? Clang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang-a-lang. Ooh, how long did it take to heal from that? Tyrex. You're like, what the fuck? That's how you pivot. and middle finger provide dexterity yeah that's interesting i don't know if I totally agree with that, though. But it's right there?

59:02 Well, I got my pinky slammed in a car door. There's a test of six different grip methods, Well, that's all also now that I'm thinking about though They got my thumbs off, Charlie. in a fight with Chael Sonnen he was like oh boy and I continued to interview him his toe had flipped around was. Did he faint? No, no. We got him. We sat him down. So we got him to sit down.

1:01:26 and he's still the greatest that shit hurts looking at it hurts looking at it yeah that's So in the big game, he goes, I think I'm going to come out of the game and shit, the champion? And the people look over to see what's so funny. the Steph Curry. He said, he go, nah, he don't ever make it. I think that's a, you see that height fixer. You're going to need to see a trainer.

1:04:10 What, just? They have a, it was like karaoke for fighters. he sits over here in this corner. It was dope. And then he Oh, my God. So Jason threw his shoulder out? No, Mike. You've had enough. Give him a big hand. Yeah. Jesus Christ. he puts it back up and he goes he goes I'll be okay he goes no Mike come on no Mike oh my god yeah maybe once that was a bull rider,

1:06:26 So now The worm thing The smell made it all horrific. and they would add that cheese he swallows all of this And they threw up. Edinburgh Festival is skank festival to the hundredth power. That's the first time I took E by accident. I said, aspirin. And he goes, would you fancy a pill? I, you know, I told him he had aspirin. Yeah, and I washed it down with Red Bull.

1:09:22 I mean, nothing, but okay, the next morning I woke up and I pooed it. Oh, a shark. That's the guy! It's so, it's just too Disney World for me. And I was like, Because that's my man. I'm like, I... He'd already lost the fight himself. Right. And the people are just in there. You can have a show like that just Was he a guy on TV you're talking about?

1:13:07 One time he got dizzy? Somewhere here. Savages. Yeah, that was the whole build-up. Yeah! It looks impressive because you think of wood, but it's pine, and they're thin. Yeah. When I was a teenager. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know Jason. Yeah, I was his intro dude. I talked about Reggie McFadden all the time. That's my man but you would still do stand up

1:17:24 how we do it, how we get over, how we get through it. And but you don't get it's not like television. I was like, not even get to have and I went to the back with Lysol. Shit. but what was I talking about? Don't worry about it. So you know what I'm saying? But that's, and so when I lost him, Somebody else last week. Oh, God. Because the thing clearly says take one every day, you know in the morning

1:22:21 It just lubes the old pipes up. Right. So you're like sitting up. Well, it definitely makes you shit a lot. But a lot or just because it just. genetic too i think um but the oxalates, I think in high doses, PSA. So removing your whole prostate. and he decided to try doing a cold plunge every morning, to fill the tub up and every morning you just get in it you mean like just just

1:26:26 protein ratio is, but there's like a ratio where your body's just burning off fat. And that's what the protocol i used to bring my prostate specific antigen down from 7.0 to 1.8 nanograms per milliliter Right there. For example, my girlfriend, who generally seems pleased with the results of my T-levels, So that gives me 20 minutes of extreme cold exposure per week, which is enough to activate

1:29:26 Maybe you'll adopt every practice that worked for me, You know, before they do surgery. Like all the damage that you've done. I don't think that's the way to go for health. Why do we have so much, so many chicken wings? Like everybody who wants a Caesar salad with chicken breast. It's a lot of wings. A lot of wings. Yeah, true. Wild wings. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of wings.

1:31:34 Yeah, right down the street. Yeah. It was delicious, but it was just insanely spicy. The swarmer place. I did Boston, and I did a lot of shows at Dangerfields. I came up to New York for the summer I go in with some other guys who's doing reserve duty with me. I'll get such and such, whoever. Bang. I still have not seen this guy. You kind of knew it wasn't your spot.

1:34:21 I figured they just misunderstood my name on the videotape. So when I came back to New York in 91 he I across them one day and go, hey, man, how you doing? and that. He said, man, I'm proud of you, Yeah. You're going to the war. Me, him, and a guy named Chris Kelly. I was about to go on stage and the lady says, Can you hook me up with free tickets?

1:37:45 I picked up the phone and I said hello what's it called so if you didn't answer You weren't that easy to put your fingers And I was supposed to go to Ocala but having something Thank you for your service. Well, of a celebrity he was like another Virgo with a business card to me. I was like, ah, that's funny as shit. I'm like, fuck. So I call yeah, I met that motherfucker last night.

1:40:44 We got our own network? man, you don't. Yeah, they just assume you're rich. Yeah, right. I don't know when. And then we got in a fight or whatever they call them. Because I couldn't take it no more. going yeah he said well do you know him do you know him i'm like i know chris rock i don't know He just caught you on a bad day. Don't worry about it, Woods, man.

1:44:02 It can change your perspective on things pretty quickly. Yeah. It can change your perspective on things pretty quickly. And I figured this was just a God sin Boom. No. and it's And I said, those Scorpios are crazy as shit. right here, Right. And if you do it for about, for me it's three minutes. in Bethesda Wendy if you follow So you can hate. But that one right there, boom.

1:48:36 And I'm like, fuck, you're not going to miss that much of the thing. like four or five guys who sound like they've been eating peanut butter and it kind of pulled him away. And then when they get like a little bit older, someone always has to separate you from the cats. And that's the thing that people do. was angry because they It's not that they were white or Australian.

1:50:57 which I know would have got knocked down because they would have been running faster. ah! a tiger's coming nobody shit they just they just ran they just ran they just ran past me nobody i You're going to hear him crunch your leg. Because I think the butt is soft. They're going to bite your butt out. Because nature does have this very strange balance.

1:53:17 Anything that comes near them. I never heard they could do that. Woody Allen's movie? It's wild. I mean, look at that fucking power that insect has. With one? Yeah. along with this insane leverage they have. body structure on them So I don't like this, because they're showing this to us. Oh, so the lizard ate... But I do. What's happening here? So it's like, are they going to fight over food?

1:57:50 Bro, if he eats this fucking scorpion, Look at this. Who fucking wins? Whatever that armor is. I've dumped them before. that's a distraction this is wild because this is i mean this is so there's so his eye But these ants just chopped the shit out of this dude. Look how many of them are coming out of the hole to Somehow they're communicating together.

2:01:46 whole colony yeah so much these ants know when an ant's been infected and Because this fungus, when it pops, it blows all these spores in the air. Gotta get him out the house. Yeah, it's like somebody swallowed a bomb, especially if it's in a crowded area. What if that's creating that crazy behavior? hates the water look how big it is i mean how wild is that wow that's probably why he's so strong

2:04:32 It's a real-life Venom. sinister. It looks alien. back in? Yeah, but just imagine. That's how the cycle he'll become a bitch. he was sick and just a man this other article about it says that could it be the grasshopper a praying mantis can he beat up a grass oh yeah yeah praying mantis Yeah, syphilis or something. So the way cats get it is they get it from rats.

2:08:26 the baby. Ever since his catastrophic retreat from Moscow, the terrible losses suffered by Napoleon's soldiers have been blamed on hunger and the biting cold of the Russian winter. have analyzed the DNA of 72 teeth extracted from 35 skeletons removed from a mass military grave near Vilnius. In present-day Lithuania in 1995, So they got to be huddled up.

2:10:04 parasites? Most of it. It said cold and 30,000. It was all from parasites? Holy shit. It's like 3,000 a day. Six months. Holy shit. when you have that many bodies. you build a house on that Well, what would happen is they were fighting trench warfare. they're torn apart bloody clothing and they realized people getting swarmed by wolves This is crazy.

2:13:07 Let's bring them back. cause she she can't run from him a cartoon You changed it to a wolf. Yeah. women's clothes right a huff and puff blow your house down so what it was was Wow. Seth Rogen. Yeah. He wakes up after a coma. Oh, wow. It's comedy. He wanted to have salsa water. Like a guy who was an all right guy back then is a piece of shit now Look.

2:17:59 I think he's making fun of Miles Davis. on Good Times. Wow. He was in the movie, too. He's like, he's a good trumpet player who, Is he definitely faking it? I know. This is him really playing this is drums You don't think Sammy Javis Jr. could play everything? But, you know, it's like you see when a guy's like a real musician. Miles Davis, right? And he's playing a cornet in that too

2:22:44 I was googling four things at once here ignorant about musical instruments. So. He's not making that music. Yeah, I think splicing the sound in there I'll go back and find the clip again. It is a movie. it's way different playing those fast chats She was married to Miles. I was listening to that. the time and it'll say uh it heals you or you can sleep for two hours and wake up like you slept for

2:28:05 And when I listen to that music, that's how I feel like I'm on it. It's like I just kind of sink into the bed. But it's good. and I get up, and I'm good. Just put a speaker? Or either I put my earbuds earbuds in but i always want to always fall out right and I'm kind of interested in it. Because when you see it, We don't just hear it. Okay. It's good.

2:31:16 That's what I need. Yeah. If I have not eaten, I don't feel hungry. Floating. The dog, yeah. Trumpet playing was done by Nat Adderley. Because I went to school to make sound for movies and stuff. Yeah. Because they were in a space with production. It's almost impossible for them to record that in that setting, and it sounded that good. Yeah. Glasses, people walking in, people walking out.

2:33:57 well i was thinking about aziz ansari set that that that that one that he did with spike jones Have it shot where it looks more organic. A taping. Why is that in my mind? They're doing stuff back there, and they're not paying attention. Yeah. It's like, yeah, the ceiling is low. So if you ever pop over there, you got to do that. I think Spanish is the next language.

2:37:16 I don't wanna throw in the towel just yet. All the Russians come with a gas mask. no war that's what these r people said. There's no war. And they also said something to them about the war and they go that's not true that's just which that's what If you are in Russia, This guy, whoever he is, like, Like, why would you be that confident? We're going to do our comedy show in here tonight.

2:40:40 It's not that he didn't know, right? I don't know. You're like, what the fuck do you want me to ukraine like what the do you want me to do yeah what do you want me to do He did. Did he do that? Because I think I watched a video of Zelensky doing this comedy routine Let me hear some. No, I'm just kidding. Thank you for doing my club this weekend. And then I got a website too, man.

2:43:12 That's me Yeah I don't Bye.