Joe Rogan Experience #203 — Jim Jefferies Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. It's like if you go to the gym and the first thing you do is too heavy, train yeah well no i get personally trained by a guy who gets very disappointed in me kenny kane right then because if i buy myself a very low threshold for any type of activity really but But you're very good at it. It gets too high. You know what that is?

2:53 and you're like, come on, man. my god like every single one of our bedrooms after we moved out me and my two brothers Did you ever do mushrooms and look at them? every time I was watching TV. Oh, yeah. that looks like you just have a huge marble. I see that as an easier fix than just paper blowing everywhere. that will build an actual glass object with a spindly

5:39 even though you guys have a different accent. That's just what people sound like. and they freaked the fuck out. but I say cunt a I know, but that's the thing. I just want to speak to you very quickly. There's something affected about this. We don't say shit. We call them prawns, right? I'm like, what the fuck off, man? He lives around here somewhere.

8:48 The third one's to New York country like britain or somewhere else that's different it's crocodile dundee in la now the ridiculousness of it. He's still with and then he does the were like as much in that good with that blackbird did they it's pretty whoa wow wow so birds like a person or a I'll answer the question, what bird would I fuck if I was going to fuck a bird?

11:27 Where they live feel bad if I fucked a mammal. Of course. Yeah, they've got a blowhole. Isn't that kind of cool? confined space for them it's terrible not only that there's a thrill in killing things there's the dolphins murder each other it's fun to grab onto their fin, though, eh? I like to touch them. by killer whales. Stingrays. Oh, my God. It was for his daughter's show for like the Disney Channel or whatever.

15:19 like hundreds and hundreds of them down in Antigua. only like very few of them are poisonous ridiculous shit i think i've ever seen a person and he had a little baby running away i kind of Can you imagine the position, what it would feel like to be on a kayak you alone they're very aggressive. of the alligators to get the food. I was around alligators all the time when I was a kid.

18:12 and her fucking dog gets yanked away from her. It can happen. And they also will gang up on people. It might not have been. That's a shame. No, that's not. Do you ever do that Like I sit there going Just like Hitler. really fly domestically across america it's not going to be that bad did you see that liam nisa why peter and the wolf was such an entertaining program back then yeah well the big bad wolf what

21:38 the fuck it was he was up in canada trapping and he killed four wolves by shooting them and then like eight more by clubbing You need to sell that as a ringtone. Whatever. It's the dubstep remix of whatever. Powerful's been around for years There's a poster over there I'm going to say pretty strong And there's no one there to slap. that I was really, really bad. You were woeful? I know I was. Did you ever i was i was woeful that i was really really bad you were

24:40 suit i went as green screen suits and the little balls all over you. How could they expect you to So he's a good impressionist. He must be a good impressionist. with the other one, Shem or Shelp or whatever he was. That's exactly what I'm saying. Michael Chiklis played it. I saw this. But he was a bit of a psychopath who would just kill people. That'll suck.

27:06 seeing people that you see on TV in real life, though. He's a ghost. I loved his story arc, though. That was pretty good for him because he was, in real life, because he was a hobbit before That girl is fucking pretty. I don't know. Don't worry about that gap. I find... you don't want to just be like missing a tick. the feet are webbed in the womb and they they that's the last thing that happens to the body

29:15 What do you mean? Give me a little toe. She still paints that little bit just over the top These things that grow. fingernails? they get real thick Whoa daddy. Then they get there and they start curling and curling. Yeah, yeah. not there anymore it feels like you know like you amputated his hand that guy had like nerve damage So anytime you get a lot of people, you got a billion people.

32:12 It's just that you get to publicize yours more. that people are finally starting to realize It's incredible. over to see your shit. What was he, like 50? fairly famous actor well i have a friend who shagged one of these girls I bet he is. president now is it me or you it used to be you right yeah but it's me now right yeah okay cool So did you like either of them?

35:32 He just seems like he's a bit of a laugh. and he went out and said it. He's probably watching us on the- So he didn't have a pulse. It was just flowing. I like it's one of those things that you siphon petrol with. heart muscle working is that what it is they've become synonymous with love real or not i don't know if anybody's ever come back from an organ transplant and and given a

38:32 Can't you drink them away? The guy who made lobotomies won a Nobel Prize. Yeah, when you ever see that fucking book. Like that's, and that was happening right up until the 80s in Australia, shock therapy. how did it start off did they do it on mice first? And then we're like, wow, that mouse is crazy. Some crazy asshole. they cut all your blood out

40:41 that couldn't breathe Prescription drug abuse. until a couple of years ago. Pharmaceutical drugs are, you know, really, it with our jobs fly a lot. You're like, no. that stuff though it's real common you know it's strange oh that's how heath legend or they reckon A lot of them get sick. They went at it strong. It's a sitcom about dwarves on HBO, But if you haven't seen it, I'm not going to talk about it.

44:29 I think he's in, where is he? and it's called The Bone Zone. And so we, So look on Yeah. So now there's just somebody looking at all his shit, looking at all his photos. Yeah, if you don't know, they did a movie. Yeah, he's a weird guy to be around, that's for sure. so they know what they're doing. to these conventions or whatever and i'll be empty do things on the road and they get big round of

47:36 And then afterwards I would always try to talk to him. of different personalities yeah sometimes you can talk to other time he just looks past you and plus Well, you can. I don't know. Some people have it, I guess. Who's Herschel Walker? he played rugby but they just made him do all the tackling stuff, and statistically he's off the chart. you can't believe that's a real person.

50:27 Like portrayed in The one with Matt Damon That was pretty good man He did a fucking excellent Nelson Mandela. Yeah. Morgan Freeman. Was that good? That was pretty good, man. Yeah, it's fucking great, man. they you lock your guns up in lockers when you're going to the casino like and you'll see like And he was going to get the ransom money from her parents or something like that.

52:03 Yeah, just break up with her, mate. How can it be you know some dudes just get deep they just get deep into it they and you put them in the seatbelt and this is going to be awesome. if you've been going, that poor lady, that poor lady. They left the kid, Madeline McCain was the name of the little girl. Maybe they did, but no one can prove that. A fake person.

54:24 Most likely with a collar on her neck. Fun. It's fun it is yeah you can never do that in any other job and be like you know that would be fine My brother's quite a successful business type guy i don't i couldn't tell you oh, everyone wasn't really getting along and we couldn't go back which is totally crazy and now he's fighting you know it's like wow like

57:05 is like i mean these guys are running at each other and clashing heads and shit and They're silly. and everyone because they thought he was just a drunk but he he was then given up acting Yeah. That's incredible, DVD collection. And now I watch it, were little and be baffled this is the whole theory on why why kids should not should see that was find their magazines

59:44 that some adults hidden it here but I look back at it no just some other kid hid it there in the bush it we find them, yeah. Yeah, isn't that incredible? And I always used to think that some adult's hidden it here, I was about seven years old. this picture out. I cut this picture out. I masturbated to this picture from about 7 till 10. Just one tit?

1:00:44 It's amazing that it kept your interest for so long. the old catalogs when you used to have catalogs? that was a big day. I mean, that's what it's all about. I don't even need to see a vagina. Always, right? Wouldn't Porky's be R? I think R is. and he just, but he's still like a horny sort of bloke, my dad, right? I might watch the beginning of that film.

1:03:49 oh that's fucking funny we could still do it now Show him 10 minutes later, 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later. You know, you put them in the bin. I was a paper boy, right? He recovered it all and took it off to his shed where he could masturbate. And I went, neither are you. can't leave your phone by the thing how many times do we have to tell you get

1:06:29 like a really old, like, what is she, 89 or something? I'd give her a respectful kiss on the mouth. I rarely do, but sometimes that dude says shit that's so ridiculous, You know what I mean? it guess what bitch you got a problem i don't give a fuck what you tell me that's a problem That's when he comes in. Unfollow that guy. distant quantum that and so the guy goes yeah i i know what all those words mean but i'm not quite

1:09:31 that I can't quite grasp. it was so brilliant the It's going to happen in two hours. What time does the show there? There's one of my favorite comics in the UK, I remember when I was a young comic, Yeah, that's what it's up. Who gives a fuck? I went and saw Billy Joel in concert in Sheffield in the north of England. And she went, And I thought, He doesn't care.

1:12:35 woman anymore she's horrible that's the the worst you've ever seen really it was that bad it just You ever get that person who just wants to headlock you or something? That's normal. Because a lot of jujitsu guys come to shows, like, can i hold you like no guys are always asking to choke me that's normal You're going to bend over and make it like I'm spanking you.

1:13:48 face maybe i got a few poses that i had down the serious one the happy one the good yeah right so Yeah no no The women that have Grabbing a girl's ass Is way worse than a girl grabbing a guy's ass Plenty. Stop lying. And she's like, I just got out of rehab three days ago. No. You're not going to pay this off. No, no. throw me on the ground diet rape

1:16:19 there is a certain even know this other person and you just reach over and grab a girl's ass and squeeze it like kind of hot if i imagine my sister or my daughter being really hot some guy just grabbing it slow That's hot. I don't want your daughter near my daughter. i can't have that on my podcast she's a cutter she's not happy I had a buddy who found

1:18:40 I just went And then after a few weeks, and then I saw it. I had a friend who did it, who she told me about it. Who would do that to themselves? in some crazy, fucked-up way. of stupidity and craziness and abuse in this country. There's no way the government could fix the problem of stupidity and craziness and abuse in this country. are storing their shit or or shitting in diapers and leaving them piled up it's always sexual abuse

1:21:34 talk all the shit you want but i'm going to send you through a machine and the machine comes out Just like the voting machines, the fucks. my big money checks that had gone in there, Wow. That one's a bad one. Fascinating, those training footages, the terrorist training footages. week not steroids but um he uh test alistair over him tested his testosterone to estrogen was 14 to

1:24:12 falling out I'm not gay or anything There's nothing sexual about what I'm saying. Like, ridiculous build. I would wonder. So they didn't have a chance to prepare for it. That's a terrible idea. Some people say half. Some people say almost all estimations vary. Some people say half. mark mcguire got without steroids yeah. But that motherfucker better beat in ham sandwiches every 15 minutes

1:27:07 He got up. And everybody loved it, but they didn't love how they did it. You know, that's when you're in your 40s and you're just smashing balls or like Roger Clemens was just throwing crazy heat. Look how crazy it is, though, that there's something that you can take that makes you better at sports. But with that, Jesus fucking Christ, did shit get fun at the ballpark.

1:29:07 My analogy was a terrible analogy. of people that as they get older... There's people who claim they did. Really? You know, if you could be in the... What is it different? It's not over here. I mean, cigarettes is, you know, if neither one of you could be hooked on cigarettes, what's the official medical um I don't know just It's allergic to MSG. It's allergic.

1:31:40 I thought it was like a flavor enhancer. Well, we have a real problem in this country where the giant corporations have essentially completely bypassed the whole system of government There's a lot of shit. Health care would do it? price of one of your ailments. And I was thinking, that can't fucking be $1,400 to do, right? from fucking mechanics yeah it's totally like that especially dentists out here are the worst

1:34:45 Like Frank Shamrock got braces, but his teeth were fucked up. If you're that famous, you must be completely out of your fucking mind. And I will say even people in the industry. They caught him with a photo of him kissing a guy. They love him from Pulp Fiction. comics especially, No. so it's it's more difficult for them to come up with material especially because they can't draw

1:37:18 Yeah, you know what I mean? by the way harder in the black community I don't think I'd go Like Dom Herrera is so fucking funny ring me up one day and go, if you're a gay guy And then you get another little present on top. You can't just be with a girl. That's the confusing thing about homosexuality. side. No one should be while fucking like... Yeah.

1:40:04 and you got to... Oh. eyes are just rolled back a bit. Even though you're flexible, I don't think your legs are long enough. She was just showing us what her favorite thing is. Dude, they're both. Help someone. she's like this close it's crazy the tip of my With your tongue. was like an elbow what like tastes like an elbow just felt like an elbow like on your tongue i

1:42:14 Yeah. Did they stop? About changing the name of the podcast I used to do that with Pepsi Space how insulting it is like when you get the the swear word that's made out of question marks It's just a lot of kids translating. freaking. The Irish The 911 call, with the 911 guy. talking about it, and Wolf Blitzer saying, Fucking coons. he said you drew people in and kept me listening tricking me with your old information you played

1:46:30 kids on top of him beating him up i i also have to urinate dude let's get this fucking thing over You do? to hear it though is to go to death squad on itunes uh and subscribe and there's a bunch of The girl's still calling it Sex Squad. It wasn't her show. Uh-huh. And then do you want to come on the show, But all I'm saying is I did the show. Okay.

1:49:08 And it was supposed to not be with them 100%. were supposed to be on the show But didn't that Jaden Cole guy, didn't she actually come up with a name? that's her name then. You're getting crazy. Exactly. There's actually another company taken it for sure no no you know she shouldn't take it i can fucking sit here and show you about Don't you feel bad

1:51:15 No, it's sex squad. that we already started with sex called sex squad. to do cuntish things and fucking slander and I didn't even fucking do The new I don't like lies. What do you like about the podcast? 10 minutes you're both for being on the show. Go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, dirty freaks lots of surprises