Joe Rogan Experience #204 — Amy Schumer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Experience. What were you giggling about? Earlier you were saying if you can't cope with altitude, and then if you took something, off for five six days a week or so it'll punch you in the neck that's how i feel right now do I did not say that. This will answer Food poisoning Like I'm like I was in the gym with my opener and my friend Jackie. like they you know put me on morphine and all this stuff and they were like no one ever says

3:23 The doctor said, had I not come in, I would have been uncomfortable for another 10 minutes. What was her deal? She's definitely dead. I was in Koreatown the other day and it's really scary how many B's and even C's I think I saw in Koreatown. Yeah, that's exactly how it is. Like, are D's okay? Did somebody die in it? We smelled it. A C? Excuse me, do you know what your rating is in Zagat?

5:46 my house it was crazy it was like all these food trucks pulled up and it was like everybody had a They just fill up. So it takes 20 minutes to get everything. I hate seeing cultures mingle. It's too real for you. They just have to get a truck, one-time investment, and tweet to people Here's where I'm going to be That's a fucking brilliant idea that is brilliant and there's your

8:09 You're just like, oh, God. My mom will do it. Please. I made you. I'm not calling your mom a cunt by the way. This is an artificial mom. Whoa. I'm like, you're the best. Nothing. It was like after a gospel And I was like, what? The back door? Could you imagine if that was his hustle? I think I'm going to let him. yeah people get mad when we call uh regular folks civilians like yeah that is a disrespect

12:16 Well, could you imagine if you could get a culture Yeah. a ton of lies yeah there's a little that and they're just like unfolding it as you get older essentially like with joseph smith he made up a fake history right yeah created the mormons i love Well, they were UFC fans. That's funny. There's like one nice person after another. Like just, you know, weird shit.

15:24 I think it's avoidable. He's the best. podium and was like way over doing it and connecting this guy's uh funeral with the reason It's so much more offensive at a funeral. I shit you not. And we were sitting there. Are you serious? He can use his magic How about an email and shit. What are you gonna do? You know, you gotta almost everything. It's harder for comedians I think have to almost play a character where you're overdoing almost everything.

18:26 And then we just gotta, you know, cherish our time. And sometimes it takes like a death for us to realize that. I don't want to do that. it, I like, So it's like, it's also a good opportunity to just like celebrate the shit out of that The way they did it was so beautiful. Hilarious, smart. Yeah, Norton is my, I believe he's the funniest guy on radio.

21:13 like while we're eating eggs and i'm like you block it off like a bad childhood molestation And, you know, it's like they work harder than anybody. fucking great. I have like so many dick jokes. It's like the one guy who makes me laugh the most. I'm the same. give a zero apologies zero he doesn't give a shit that's a really original thing and it's like just

23:38 Oh, he didn't? I didn't used to think that, you know, I didn't think about that guy, positive or negative, and his feet were falling apart running for kids with aids i'm like fuck them i'm telling you it was really impressive i mean it was I'm gonna be honest. I'm nothing, bro. Oh my God. It was an Eric Roberts movie from like 1989. Oh, come on, Roberts.

26:02 He was Spawn. I'm totally kidding. You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley Crue, but I bet this was before Tommy Lee was famous. You know, back then such a hunk of shit. Did you ever see that? I didn't see that one. what was his deal like what was his drug just pot that's it what a fucking so he was come on his agents like uh in the morning he'd be like

27:29 Oh my God. and goes to Chipotle. You don't think I'm in pain right now, man? Like, oh, God damn. I don't know about that. The stepson hated him for how he treated him. Like, oh, God damn. when that guy was a kid. I mean, I don't know if he took his family with him. I don't know how he it's a big almost all of them. It's a big... How can this be avoided?

29:28 Is it the unfair and weird treatment that you get? God damn it, that movie scared the shit out of me. Oh, Faye Dunaway was Chinatown, right? Yeah, Faye Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde? No more wires! She must have. I'm moving to Canada Okay? Oh. Everyone hated us. um but whatever we but it was a hundred percent couples we were the only people and it was 100% couples. We were the only people. And it was really uncomfortable because people were either mad we were there

32:07 So we went to all the dinners Oh I fucked her Anything goes at this point. Yeah, you haven't seen it? That's what it is. and fucking demons and sword fights and shit. At least the first two episodes oh no reality by the way that's what people were doing they were fucking their sisters up until like a Keep it real. The idea that people would do that.

35:19 relax toby chill tobes i would like it if it was made in America. Isn't he Australian? You know that the people that are making her in the auto union, you really do know how much they get paid. they've had a ton of suicides and, you know, their thoughts are... Who, the workers? Foxconn, yeah because they've had a ton of suicides and you know their thoughts are the workers foxconn yeah they've had a lot of suicides so much so they've

36:37 At work. We don't see the connection. I mean, they've tried to figure out how to make them in other countries. He lives in China. But it's, I don't, I just don't, I don't think there's a way. I think it makes sense. whole wave of like black chicks being like white women are I know why this motherfucker got to go out with white girls? You know, that would be, you know, that would be a completely different thing.

39:58 But I do think with, I have no anger about the Asian chick thing, but I do think, like, Do you want dinner? What am I going to bring to the table? He wants her back in his life because maybe I've changed it her name was Donkey Kong so she had this extra The government literally would test the humans. He got cereal that no one else got. The government just wants to know what's going on in there. So Konami told me that their pussies are tighter because they kneel all day.

42:17 Do you mind if I just take a quick Yeah. That's the same thing you do when you kneel everywhere. I't know is that what it is i don't know there's a lot play volleyball oh you're telling her to get her shoulders shaved off? Can you imagine No, I played volleyball That's really what fucks him up. Brian was like so subservient to her. at the end He was so cute.

44:19 Aw. Can you pull a picture of her? Yeah. Did you guys, did anybody go for it? What's up? And she's just like a badass. Oh, my God. That's really that's but that's her to the right. That's her to the right of that We'll work on something. I'm just going to look at you, Amy, instead. Look at her. Swept these arm bars. This is nasty submission on before the referee gets to them.

47:30 submissions that she has where they just she explodes on you she's strong as fuck and she's Jesus. If she wanted to make out with you, would you go lesbo for a little bit? You never hooked up with a girl, but you're open to the idea. I'm going to get get crabs From this guy Me I'm gonna just I remember being like, I just had, I still have the bruise

49:08 You guys are the worst friends. Aren't you glad you did it glad you did it felt good right you don't feel sick or anything no i feel fine this weed is so strong that we hot box fit simmons back here and Yeah. indulge in indulge in any substances yeah but some people even have you know like i don't want That's what we have to realize. Yeah. Self-proclaimed alcoholics yeah.

51:12 Very much like Fitzsimmons, really. or anything like that. pot and I only would, you know, drink on weekends or whatever I would do, they start drinking like right away. And I'd be like, drinking's different for us. that's a, Midwest style, I guess. when you're around a bunch of people that can handle their liquor. That's just a like just just doing crazy shit.

53:52 Late night, like the cellar? are a mess. just on TV when I when I really started dedicating myself to stand up that that you've been doing stand up for 10 years. Yeah. I mean, like every week we would meet some new fucking crazy person in that place. He puts himself on a cross. They would have these kids, That's the perfect time. The most depraved entertainers in LA, for sure.

56:58 It was a fake reality show. Yeah. Shake hands to hug? You don't remember? So that's Brian's case. So go to Deskwell.TV. I'm looking at my phone calendar. riviera at the starlight room uh yeah i've got once a month i'm there friday saturday sunday oh Yeah. How long have you been doing it? Their marketing is Amy Schumer's Slaughterhouse. Do you have every single weekend marked off?

59:32 Well that's great. All over the map. with dice oh he's there he's supposed to do the podcast i gotta get a hold of him yeah he's there You're going to be a Vegas girl. everyone is like very chill and they're like okay now we have our world back uh yeah it's a totally Yeah. And the heels Yeah That vagina they're just like, fuck yeah. I don't know. little acts on my balls. Spray a little Axe on my balls

1:02:12 No And then put aftershave on my balls Yeah. The unveiling. They look like the chocolate munchkins. They're my boobs. And she's like, yeah. And that's how she makes sure she keeps eating The Lebanese will fuck you up, Brian. You know how we were talking about on the podcast the other day about these giant packs Oh, I don't know. In the Soviet Union.

1:05:07 whatever it is wherever it is they just got together And they're not even going to shoot at you because they're going to be terrified. It's a never ending story. No, Joe, that show's not true. I was watching it with Mrs. Rogan, and I was like, You just start eating each other. slow as fuck in this stupid have you had like a kingdom and then you had some roads that would go off into like villages and

1:07:15 Just in case you guys ever have to do some hoeing work. They just walked around and got on horses and couldn't go very far. Like we promise we will not fuck with you It's gonna be a tough hundred years the crazy like deep into africa who still they just like do not give a fuck what we're doing That should have been the opening to the new soul train.

1:08:58 Yeah, Brian. And if I'm in a hotel and it's on fire, that's when it comes out. And I was seriously contemplating running over some fucking people. You just started stabbing them. That happened to me once on Ambien. Wait a minute, where was this? Once. It was Joe Diaz. No it wasn't Duncan This is crazy man This really didn't happen He would, like, grab the rails.

1:10:56 People have, like, crazy stories about being in the car on the highway and waking up and nothing. And I know No, it's not. It's not real sleep. And he can't go to sleep. He does what he's got to do. going on inside like construction of houses where wow that would be cool to live there what is it car. Like I don't, the economy, I've not, I know people are fucked

1:13:16 Because I'm never really home. Is there a mom like that? My mom could live with me easy. I personally, when I was younger, had a bunch of shitty grooves that I had to get my own they find themselves an old lady you know picking on their kids you know yeah i've seen it it's Just with like some neediness. I don't know how I would ever, I don't know how I'm going to like ever live with somebody again.

1:16:01 Yes. How many domestic violence holes have you made in a wall? Probably a lot. So you've seen them before a hole, like a plaster. Zero. How many have I caused? Yes. Probably a lot. And you deserve it. You fucking psycho. but I got hurt by accident all the time. What? Yeah. I'm wearing like a tube top. And then he came there and was making a scene. So the guys threw me out because they didn't want

1:18:22 And I go in this apartment, and it was a guy. he had a knife yeah he had a knife he was chasing me what was that about i don't i don't know he Is that real? So that's why when someone's like... coworkers. Rip the shower curtain down when I was in there. Whoa. Did he do a number two? He would. Rip the shower curtain down. It sucks. Yeah. well especially when you're 20 years old you're a child yeah you don't know

1:21:33 At a apartment complex. Right. You sound like maybe you're a contender. Yeah, she should drink more water. Just toxic. Yeah, you can't take that shit back. out with them every day and you're like deep in their life you're like when you remember when Cue the music, Brian. He's a non-comedian. I'm sorry, too. This is not a fucking sound manager in a country that would have fucked it up that bad.

1:24:24 Does he have a dream? Does he have a dream? That's what I'm searching for. Girls date guys. You just like see. Right. He's like, why are you the worst? I'm really glass houses. adds up oh this is hilarious it's amazing when you just see a guy he's like like a male hustler And he went over to these mothers and all these mothers were hanging around. That'll work on some chicks.

1:26:41 How dare you. And then she's like, well, give her some money to get her shit back together again. So you need the courts to kind of step in. project everything we've ever wanted onto the dude so but that but like that whole game like He just returned from a detox cleanse. would just quit he would curl up in a ball that would be it just if you just said one thing to

1:28:59 The kid was probably like 18. Because he doesn't do anything. And then the kid asked again, what do you do? It's upsetting. Like you have to kind of as a woman who is successful, you have to like take on a deadbeat. With with dudes because women are succeeding more and more and guys like there's like that plateau well there's certainly positions cougar life have you ever been to that website it's a website with cougars that just want to

1:31:43 Fresh out of a relationship. I'll be right back I'm gonna go to the bathroom Make a tube out of beef jerky and fuck that. You guys are talking about my future right now. I'll take them all. Yeah, maybe. The woman who's fucked the most dudes ever. We had a male porn star on a podcast recently. Probably like four or five. day? Yeah. So you have to come three times

1:33:52 pretending to gag what's going on there yeah that's nothing she's sneaking lube in her mouth Where's the rest? Do you find that, Brian? Yeah. full just clam chowder if you're in the mood You can use the salt. Fuck you. Is that shit real? Oil of Olay. Do you guys remember the Solo Flex woman? Is she? Time keeps ticking. What's gonna happen Thank you

1:36:39 Yeah but your knees You know, they say like those toe shoes. My gym is in my garage I see people running around Central Park running out barefoot in the world right you were you would run and you would use the natural design You land on a toe in the ball of the foot, and then it gives. So that's why the toe. Like, if you're on, like, a nice dirt hill, you know, when you hit that thing,

1:38:55 No. I wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not in shape. Running on the sand is hard. Yeah, so is running sand dunes. You're going to know how nice the gym. Yeah. Dudes have questions, you know, Amy Schumer's at the gym. How am I gonna make this happen? Yeah by laughing loudly at friends where they just look None of this happens. Walkman. How about I have a Walkman

1:41:32 And you get upset. What is the, what's the thought process? And she realizes that she is orgasmed. That sounds great. I haven't like masturbated With another guy? Women have orgasms at the gym A field Oh, Debbie, you silly bitch. Oh, wow. Pussy is so awesome. This is my field. I'm doing research on my field. Debbie probably has a flashlight And she like licks it while she's sitting there Oh wow

1:43:39 First reported the phenomenon in 1953 So getting on the knees back to your heels Because you can do this Try it right now 45% I can see spinning. They had to pump in your... Now, It was bad. I had two meals that day, and they were both at my hotel. I didn't drink or anything like that. Maybe an hour and a half. They say it takes hours usually. It was bad.

1:46:41 What do you think it was? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I threw up in a cab. I threw up on the street. How much did you Yeah, I've had that. How horrible. and pillaging put out um get on your knees I, Really? And know how to fuck me Yeah, he can come. confident dude that's easy. like a sculptor or something. That was a bad joke No I don't know Or something like that

1:49:54 fucking crazy maybe i'll wind up he's crazy he's just stuck buttoned down all day but you know he Kind of. We start playing MASH. They don't want to start talking shit. That's what I want. We went down that road and we stuck with it for no reason. She goes on a date. No, it's all people we know, though, or something. I have a lot of black friends. So is this this this thing that happened today that I don't totally completely understand,

1:52:16 place, but now they say you don't need to hire an accountant before the company is taken Yeah. But according to Matt Taibbi, it's really crazy. That's like, this is craziness. Well, the foreclosure bill, what we were just talking about with how those houses foreclosing, Obama just passed that bill. What does it do? like just things that you, Well, I'm all pro that, but this is terrible.

1:55:12 Flying a machine It's probably a good move. Straighten you out. appealing what if we start evolving like that in that direction you know they say that people need I don't know. You really have to figure out the timing on that. What if it was even more It's burning him up. it was just like whoa did it make i'm like is that what you call it just isn't that what it is

1:58:48 and i was just like what is this a a negotiation like a douchebag i think i think when it comes to something like that happens you pull them aside like when you're having dinner or do you like go he, and then it was like, I just want you to... It's hard finding regular porn these days. When did that become the fucking normal move? I just wish there was like mix of the ending sometimes.

2:01:08 That's like when they show it inside the pussy? Yeah, there's oral cream pies. You don't? I am. No, but I didn't like porn when I was younger. Hosting that? don't know but they uh right before they they said uh we uh i think they saw my stand-up and fired me in her act I was like nice try they didn't want a comic It's just filled with freaks I like that whole industry

2:03:56 it turned out that he was running a gay porn site a gay uh excuse me gay escort site like military And he actually stayed at the White House. and taking military Which one of those guys was the gay guy? those guys i would love to see leo and army hammer are you serious please i don't care who's bending Okay Please don't sue me That'll catch up to you if you're in the White House, I guess.

2:06:45 before the internet oh yeah oh my god well they say that nixon was gay a guy just wrote a book In me, a Pekingese. of like these beautiful dogs you could just see that they're just using them as like an accessory Here, go play with your dog. Nobody write that to me on twitter I'm calling the cops I mean people were really nice something they hope you like too like i found you on found you on ONA and I'll go, oh, I fucking love ONA and then we're in.

2:09:33 Yeah, yeah. I fucking love Larry Bird. pressure? I don't want to wear a jersey. I made a dress for you. It's not a fucking show. I was talking to a dude. And India, I think. And that's it. I was in St. Lucia. They, Australia. They play cricket too. And then we're in India, I think. It was six from New York. like tourists only come for a couple months so every we did a ton of shit we like hiked this

2:12:06 Oh, I can't. It's like 12-year-old cartoons. What were we just talking about How's he do it? Brian is the black guy. You're doing like the Jew. I'm trying to be a black man on an island oh it's getting closer yeah some There were great dick grabbers. They were like, no, no, no, no. I was like, okay. Is that how Carnival Cruises is Because I called and I, before we went, I was like, it's not all couples, right? They were like, no, no, no, no.

2:13:53 Did you see any families there? Like you can't bring anything They have crazy drinking laws? That's the one place in America that I say you should have... but that that place is amazing i love it so friendly and fun i did a show there i did the What a hustle that is. There was a couple people that actually had a pretty dope act. They knew what the fuck they were doing.

2:15:43 So he gave it up. got off and everybody clapped. And I'm like, fuck, curtain. Yeah. He's pulling the levers. Well, it was two comics in me. But that fucking place, the food. Tell me what you saw. And then after like three minutes, they're like, thank you. um with a fake dick and squirts it on the crowd But the DJ was pretty funny. I wonder if they do that on purpose.

2:19:02 Oh my God. but we were just in a record store live from the Riviera. I stayed in Frank Sinatra's Vegas showroom he got on Sopranos it doesn't see Oh, good. No, it was a long time ago. She fucking murdered Whitney. It's like she's singing at the top of her. It was just weird. Wait, did I cut you off? No, freaking out. just like uh and then you just want to gamble you're like oh can you please stop with all the bullshit just

2:22:31 Yeah, there's not a real likeness to any of them. It's really tough. You're my emergency contact. Listen, buddy, I'm so happy you came back. People loveies. We exchanged messages. You're my emergency contact. And then the Riviera. S-C-H. Awesome. So that'll be this up-and-coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. ride kicks in. Do you hear they're shooting at cop cars

2:24:43 joerogan.net if you're thinking about masturbating. Shroom Tech Sport. drug dude even fucking vitamins did you know that b makes you feel better. Everything's a performance enhancing drug, dude. Even fucking vitamins. if you're not satisfied, if you don't like it, you don't even have dirty bitch. You dirty bitch. Or if you can't cope I'm going to eat the flashlight.

2:26:25 uh Ice House god damn it Icehousecomedy.com probably will sell. That's it. boat hits the beach.