Joe Rogan Experience #2061 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Last night with those smelling salts, occurring? It's like a But they used to have them at Sun Life. So you have to kind of hold it up to the light to see where half is. What exactly is kratom? And it kind of is an opiate. It's legal? Well, it's kind of an opiate. I don't know. What exactly is kratom? I don't feel like anything's wrong.

2:46 But pain tolerance down, that's probably good for working out. Yeah, I feel the fibers and shit. been doing it my whole life, so I know how to do it. win by winning by making the nine ball i can make the nine ball or the eight ball so that's like Like pool players are notorious drug addicts. I was all just about competition. One of my best friends was a crack addict.

5:24 They can do anything. The sentencing for someone who gets caught with crack And he was selling. But Junebug's more athletic than Bo Jackson. So he would go into the bathroom and shut the door. and then he would get down, and he had like gerbil eyes, He had no nerves. their kids for it yeah I got morphine I'm just cold I wonder what methadone's like in comparison to... Isn't methadone basically Adderall?

8:52 You don't even have to have a prescription. Have we ever done fentanyl at the doctor? It's just so strong. Crack. This nigga shoot basketball. They can do anything, bro. He's right. I told you about what happened with, I had a raccoon in my yard. And the Chilean mafia basically takes homeless people, takes them in? That's what I'm hearing. Remember?

12:39 Right. She was scary. And it's acting really weird. I'm like, I have this raccoon in my tree. And she goes, well, a lot of the wild animals in California there's fentanyl coyotes Like people had terrible hygiene back there, terrible sanitation. They didn't. They're walking through horse shit. dog shit smells so much worse than Sally's over there eating dead raccoons and squirrels.

15:47 And people have always got those. That was the only thing to be anxious about. Yep. and like I was you saw a kid in a cast we used to That's true. We could get tetanus getting pinched. We would just be bleeding at all times. under you'd get under the merry-go-round remember the um jungle gym where you just it was like Yeah. I know. Did you see this video a couple months

18:48 Let's see. Well, that's a really dumb way That's like an ad for Kratom. Why is he fucking on duty? Yeah, but you can get your kid into jiu-jitsu. You could do it in certain neighborhoods. and I don't think there was as much of a fear I don't know how long, looking at So, I mean, also there's no windows, you know? So I have this like, you know, I.T. guy who is explaining to me, I'm like, what's the hygiene for, you know, kids on Instagram?

21:38 Some creep pedophile goes up to the kid and goes, I was with you. Did I tell you about this? Oh, no, no, no. Boom! And then they tackle him. lakes. Everybody's running around out there. Like, to what? I don't think I've ever seen it goes flying up in the air, He's wearing a golf shirt. blows my mind like when i first moved to la i lived right above re on miller drive above pink

24:34 And then someone's trying to take the left. I see this car hit the motorcycle. I mean, just head off body. Or I don't know, that just feels a little wild It's kind of a miracle how cooperative we all are. It's too much of a hassle. and how the Disney castles oh no. Oh, Disney castle's made of dicks, let's go. There was one where there was a big bad wolf one, and it used to be a Jewish person

27:39 Spears looking like dicks. Then there's also Mickey and Minnie, Everything I post on the dicks. Okay. squirting marshmallows. Look at the balls at the bottom of it. Yeah, they didn't get paid overtime. That over the edge. Yeah, that's someone being sneaky and putting in like a little Easter egg. Yeah, yeah. The thing is, AI is so good now. Minnie and Mickey dicks.

29:37 Yeah. Come on. Just try to imagine that as a dress. It's a hard one to defend. That's a dick. Does he always have a puffy shoulder shirt on like that? Oh, no. They fucked up. In the ulterior universe or whatever. instagram and now is like going to space because he's just a billionaire. It's hilarious. of a bunch of tweets, to be commenting fucked up. I know they're medicated to shit.

33:08 You know what I mean? That's real, too. That's real, too. wildest of wild opinions from who knows how many different groups of people. We're really bad at just continuing to do certain things like a Twitter type deal or just any kind of online social interaction is so different than regular human interaction that if you get craziest shit just because they've been on Twitter online or on those video games where you're allowed to like talk shit and then you

36:01 watched this teacher explode in the sky i remember not knowing exactly People knew that there was problems with the O-rings. Look at this. A billion dollars worth of the highest technology. I mean, it is bonkers. Well, it definitely has worked a gang of times. Boom! Can't get enough. You got to go look at a bunch of trash at the bottom of the ocean.

38:55 someone who literally paid That is such a corrupt country. RFK's son did go over to fight. RFK Jr. did not know his son was over there. doing this I don't know if it's like an American But he he was a billionaire that ran his own army, the Wagner. to war like there is a little bit of uh way more ever before. Way more than I mean, I'm looking at bunkers at 2 a.m.

41:31 Yeah. They nailed it. Between the fluoride and the Roundup and all the endocrine disruptors they did a great job they turned us into such pussies there's a few people that are I got it because it's either my choices are fluoride or microplastics. Where do I do that? Too late. I did the tally age were. Shit. No. No. Where do I do that? There's no way I don't.

43:06 I don't want to plagiarize his work. There's been 50,000 lawsuits. And they don't filter it out well. Did they know that sometimes their talc has asbestos in it? That's wild. Oh, my God. What kind of numbers are we talking about? I'm kind of worried. This is a vaccine injury, 100%. Yeah, fertility is going down in a way that's super alarming. So, you know, Bragg's apple cider vinegar.

47:15 It's like some shmegma to keep the apples preserved longer. I would love to know. These motherfuckers, so hard did you see the video of him against trees what bill gate look at bill gates against Bill Gates gets real about climate change. How would it be nonsense Oh, is it? Cool cause. And they die and then they fall and you get deadfall and that stuff dries out and that stuff becomes highly flammable.

50:06 were essentially kindling. Yeah. But we can't tell people that or else people would just start taking baseball bats to homeless people constantly. and you're doing fentanyl, Again, Russia, good job. It's mostly that. It's pretty wild. They can get a 24-hour gym membership. But I got my laptop stolen out of my car outside the improv on Melrose. Yeah, yeah.

53:50 This is this is like a fucking Robocop movie. They put on eBay. Good for you. one of them physics papers though I have been kind of writing you know? it's a portrait of insanity. Ah, No. And can you erase easy with it? Well, they do say that there's something, and I wonder if it would be the same on a tablet, Like, that's his process. Pretty genius.

57:08 I'm trying to get better at that. or allow myself, but if I don't record it, I'm like, ah, shit. It's good to just be on a tightrope. I start going, okay, my next special is going to be about this. It's also a unique situation because the audience knows that you're doing it and you are clearly reaching in. You're kind of like, oh, that's not a topic I would do.

59:26 have a theme and they're kind of rigid with it and they're like and you feel like oh man you'd be Don't censor yourself. The fact that you made, I mean, I was thinking about this last night when I was like, how does a club that's only, what, two years old? And that's a 1927 theater. I felt like even when I looked at it, even when I looked at it, I felt like it was talking to me.

1:01:26 And she's channeling like a thousand-year-old alien or something. Okay, so they were doing The Secret. Yeah, well, that's what we wanted. mic nights to go up monday and tuesday dude that guy was it miles was miles i've seen miles but let's put together this business let's put together this center this one hub where the go well for the first time in 30 years was funny to watch it was funny like i just bombed for the

1:04:21 He told the joke and Joe goes, yeah, i would have advised you against doing that joke And you know you're around a place of love. Zero. trying to get you on their podcast no one's kind of just trying to get near you no one's trying to How can you help me? I went up in the Little Boy Both Nights and talked to a couple people in the audience. That's America.

1:07:01 It must be wild to go from one country – if you've never been to America and you see just a different – it's basically Europe. When's the last time you were on Sunset Boulevard? And it's just reliant upon the good nature of people. That's right. Could not be in production for four years, basically. They're doing a lot of like the film tax credit thing.

1:08:55 He bought like a bookstore. what the tv show And all these different things happened. That's true, too. I had a personal trainer who got a show at Netflix about being a trainer. Truly. I mean if you're utilizing social media, like if you're a trainer and you look awesome, you're going to get a lot of clients on social media just from that. Yeah. But especially at this day and age, you have to fight so hard to probably stay famous. But it's kind of like it's one of those things.

1:12:19 and you know and he's like oh Jesus like it's not easy for everybody. There's some people that for whatever reason, they never marketed themselves very well. And, like, not to, like, plug not good. Yeah. I mean, it's it's a tricky one. And like not to like plug the special coming out. You could go on found or whatever. it's just like a plug-in that was 10 years ago

1:13:49 And you could have a set from Live at Gotham. Yeah. I'd say something stupid. things that happened during the bush administration like people forget but there was no internet there Well, he was already huge. i watched two people get murdered this morning while i was taking a shit two different people It's not like an individual reviews every single podcast.

1:16:51 Bobby, we all, we bleep the first 10 minutes of curse words. Interesting. You kind of have to. Wasn't that the case? which I'm all about protecting kids, but doesn't that seemed like regular kid cartoons, Wild. would be blood everywhere. It was really weird. Is it like people trying to like psychologically For instance, this is not like a well-known one.

1:19:25 They're just trying to benefit would eventually fall in there. and it's kind of all gone away. and crazier with it. from football games up you know they're going to get taken down but you can get like you know quick Have they rooted out all those cartoons? Cartoon hookups. Her tits should not look like that. of you needing seven actors to get together for a day.

1:21:26 This was a very deep network of all sorts of weird stuff. Not that I'm advocating for it, but it must be a nightmare to be a parent. That's going to be the thing. Oh, the videos are removed. It keeps them glued to the screen. Look at how many people are doing these prank videos. I was going to say, malls seems like the most dangerous place to be at this point.

1:23:37 They expanded it into this area now called Yoga workout time. There's a lot of gals that are making a living doing this stuff these days. 22, I don't So if an office job comes up in the field of your choice and then they have to go, hey, Whitney, can you come in the office? Right. Yeah. on OnlyFans what i've seen because one porn star. Men want to be shrunk and for her to put them in her pocket.

1:27:12 Because you can find buttholes and crazy sex anywhere on Pornhub. and then puts them in her pocket. Because also you go on Pornhub can't be good i think some of it is CEOs. Like, send me $100 right now kind of thing. I mean, I'm encouraged by how popular MILF porn is. So they hit a certain point in time and, you know. Because I remember, you remember when I made that robot for one of my specials.

1:29:42 Right. when you go to a porn site He was mean. And then Well, that's the most likely one Yeah, but it's just we don't worry about boys the way we worry about girls. And then there's also that some women, particularly in Hollywood, they use seduction to ingratiate them with people. I feel like he definitely. and there was a lot of girls that were willing to do that

1:32:34 harvey weinstein came to see you you need to come back here right now and the only reason i didn't Like, where he really did follow up on his deal. I mean, it's pretty expensive from what I understand. Like South Park? It's expensive. Huh. If she... Okay. betty boop like why why are you wearing cat ears? bull dykes now but they can't because it's got to be clear what you're doing yeah yeah you can't

1:36:17 Oh, and they give them fake balls? a weighted vest on and Chaz Bono. like a titty implant, that's under Because here's the thing. When you look at the Is that a merkin, or can you grow those? like those are extraordinary. How is there already a surgeon that does this? shove these fucking things in there, and then all of a sudden it looks like you've got

1:38:43 muscle suit hanging over the railing to dry out. And then he put his shirt on over that? Yeah, that guy's wild. Like how many days a week are you working on magic? What? I don't know. But imagine you're on a date with a girl and she sees that and she's like, that's my kind What happened? Okay. Boo! That means they're going to nuke us. Yeah. The White House press secretary lady is the worst White House press secretary lady ever.

1:41:42 You didn't see that? Oh, my God. So she's tweeting as the president. It seems like she could actually use some. There's nothing you can do. I have to pee. What? Did you see the clip where he said, oh, God, it was so racist by accident. It is just the guy. America. And that this is a plan and it takes two generations. And it starts with teaching Marxist-Leninist ideas in colleges.

1:45:56 And he wants to do things his way. He goes, I want people to stop dying. It's like the same person who's like, Rosie talks shit about him or something like that? I mean, remember? And it's so obvious and transparent. No. We're at the point where we're like, The whole thing is just so scrambled. So you just have these special interest groups that are forcing things to get done that shouldn't get done.

1:48:42 It just seems kind of wild that we're sending all this money all over the world. And there was no consideration for doing that at all. Which that was wasn't didn't the Surgeon General do that in the 50s? Flintwater criminal prosecutions end with about the Flint thing other than when Obama No. Oh my god, it's amazing. To think that you could bullshit the world over whether or not you drink water.

1:50:47 Stop. Give me some water. They're drinking poison water, and everyone's cheering that he's asking for poison water. Here we go. It's 100% a stunt. No, you bring a fucking water on stage with you. Purdue poisoning the water There's a movie with Mark Ruffalo. Oh, really? So what was the Purdue thing? which I really admired. Mark Ruffalo. He's a lawyer.

1:54:09 Okay. It's pretty wild. Everybody, a host of different sort of cardiovascular diseases You guys did the best you could to keep the lights on. from the blacks, so that nobody would collude and unionize. But they would pay the coal miners in But that's also centered the opioid crisis. That's right. If they hadn't mined all of our coal, like by now we would have diamonds, you know, like

1:57:13 Can't. Can't. Can't. At its current rate, it could continue to burn for over 250 years. And it's all coal. I mean, they would burn it. Can't. That was the thing. Like you're going to send kids to college soon. Yeah. Or the weirdest. And some say over 15,000 years Did we really come up with it? I think it was lightning. from and you just go walk and get more fire when you're out of fire, you don't need to

2:01:07 It's kind of warm over here. Then someone figured out, you know what? It takes forever. Do you know that that's the way that some people sabotage fields and start wildfires? That really works. Always. they leave negative comments. We used to destroy property. We would take a shovel, drive by a mailbox, Yes. is are you going to film yourself doing it?

2:04:04 Just backing up. Yeah, people are, if nothing's happened to you, you don't think it's going to happen to you? Oh, God. Yeah, probably not. And it was initially reported. They're laughing in court. Well, for sure there's always been gangbangers and gangbang initiations Yeah, I think 100%. yep i'm like right i remember when newtown, I was at a job where we sent everyone home.

2:07:00 You know, there's something going on. And I always tell him when he's taking a shit Because it gets up at like 2 o'clock in the morning And that was fake that was like ice cream I don't know how to clean it. I was like, whoa. Yeah. We want to see someone drop a fucking grenade off a drone into some dudes that are in a pit. Oh, God. You would never go sit in the road?

2:10:07 I think it was. Like sitting on the ground. I'll send it to you, Jamie. them and he pulls a gun out and fucking whacks them i do enjoy seeing uh someone who's like yep he pulls out a gun Kills him? Once you get to that age, he's like, I have five more years to live. They show right after it. Or the ones that go to fucking art galleries and smash paintings.

2:12:52 He's probably got cancer. But it's like, that's not how everybody thinks. You're supposed to have dumb ideas. And then also the punishments are so minimal. They probably had a Monet in their house, and they have no respect for this shit. Like, this is wild. Yeah, yeah. it goes up and it goes down. I was reading this whole thing about how in Idaho in, I i think it was july or august of the 1930s

2:16:20 That's what's really scary. It definitely does. a problem. They're not going to, they don't have the interest, which I get too. well they have to have factory farmers i can't remember what the country is that gives everybody two chickens. Disney dick algorithm. I think I might you know I'm looking at places Oh, sick. Fucking killing everybody. Oh, hippos are fucking dangerous.

2:19:39 I think, yeah. They just smash you in half. Yeah. But I do. You know, being pregnant, I feel better pregnant than I felt not pregnant. Because when I wasn't, or made me feel run down. I just, look, birth control Manic and what they say is they say, oh, it makes your body think it's pregnant, right? So it affected your thinking process. pain. But my mom was dying right in front of me in hospice and I couldn't cry. And I was like,

2:22:55 there was a study where they're attracted to men My sex drive was really low. puerto rico died um from taking it you know and then also in addition to the hormones there's all And then I was like smoking weed to try to fall asleep because I couldn't sleep. I mean, I definitely am an intense person, you know, just by default. know birth control led to this sexual revolution where women had freedom they could do whatever

2:25:45 And when you could just take a pill and not sweat it, You could get pregnant. It was a way everyone was aware of it. Like there's a danger to it. Or, I initially went on it. So crazy. I think about all like the weird, That's the main one? Yeah. which may cause pain and bleeding, especially during bowel movements. Like, I was put on it at such a, you know, young age. And, you know, God, what put on it at that. And I just think about like all the prescription drugs like I was put on at such a young age.

2:28:03 I mean, this was a couple years ago um the uh and i didn't take it that much but um five milligrams of time release adderall to No. I would wake up. I remember one morning I woke up, I thought I'd been shot. I was like covered But I don't want that to be a thing that I lean on sometimes. know people that are still on Ritalin. Yeah, Ritalin's a little bit different.

2:30:27 a lot of people are on it and it's so effective that i think tim ferris said when he was writing Yeah. You idiot. Like this or the voices went away. to look for the Scientology ships. the homeless people? I don't think she's an innocent. on the ships because there's maritime law. In Monaco. Why would you go to a hotel? This is why I can't do mushrooms, Joe.

2:33:07 They can kind of get away with a lot of shit. they had mismatched fingerprints After meeting a woman who didn't That is wild, though. But if you're the kind of person that's susceptible to Scientology, is it not a good idea for you? Maybe you need it. they could talk you into sucking their dick they just need a little more alone time with you I should say this because I spent a lot of time in Utah and I have a lot of Mormon friends and I love them to death.

2:35:59 that are all dressed like fucking pilgrims. Be sweet. You put a Spider-man helmet on her to carry this fucking baby for nine whole months for body changes. To say this. But it's also stretch marks and some women get these, like, different people's skin has different levels of elasticity. Oh, okay. Because you can kind of do it at like one week sooner.

2:38:24 I don't know. Let's Google what are the side effects associated with Pitocin? Keeping a tight ass pussy. Whoa. I don't know. To induce. I do. Uh-oh. See, but it does, I guess the bigger the baby gets, Let's true. Go out through the hatch. Just full Sigourney Weaver and alien. Right out through the sunroof. Let's go. From where? Where do people get their babies?

2:40:38 Swear to God. Surrogates. And then you also got to think like you have to monitor the diet of the person that's having the baby, make sure they're not doing drugs. That's osteoporosis, right? Yeah, I've talked to people that are terrified of it, and then I talked to Elon, who's not Jamie hates it. He's from Ohio. No salmon? Butter. It sure was. I honestly am just guessing.

2:42:47 I should have gone. It's called Soha. It was really good. It's not so much just duck or three pairs going on. That's the same kind of grill that they have at my favorite restaurant in Vegas, which is Bizarre Meats, this incredible steakhouse. learn i'm learning uh how to cook steaks better it's such an art i can give you some tips i'm But they make these really cool ones, like super artistic, beautiful tile on the outside

2:44:54 So it was like, I need something I can bring in the garage and then roll back out. They just get popped. And it just details how unusual they are and how they evolved to be that way and he reaches down and grabs it by the back of its neck? They do? They're, like, mocking you. went right for it they don't give a shit yeah toys are just hanging. It looks like some Blair Witch Project shit. They just pick them up.

2:47:18 Yeah, that means euthanasia. This happens. Look at this. Yeah, fuck, man. A friend of mine was walking with her dog up in the hills. And six or seven surround them. Yeah, I've told this story before, but there was a guy that I used to – So this guy follows a blood trail that his dog left behind up into the hills Wrong dog. Yep. Yeah. I think so. That was just entertainment back then.

2:50:52 Yeah, this is the best case scenario in terms of what we're seeing happen. I'm like, that person must be on drugs. And that is one of the things that I mean, that is literally what the Hamas did to the Israelis. would kill you and then you wouldn't live and then they would kill your family. And it's like people had to develop this ability to be Oh, so recently.

2:53:12 the expansion and what the horrific consequences were. violence goes basically down to zero. You give someone something to compete against that isn't killing each other because human beings have been killing each other in competition forever. And the idea of the militia originally was to fight off a tyrannical government. Because, I mean, stand-up is uniquely American, like hip-hop, right?

2:55:15 you know you need someone like that there's just always cracking jokes yeah always on always just You like have gout. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. There's so many things it's like live comedy in a club especially We knew when Jim Jefferies got, you know, a guy ran up on stage and punched him. A lot of crazy shit. about a comedian saying something.

2:58:01 and then these shithead politicians just decided you weren't an essential It was 70 at one time. The fact that Gavin Newsom, this American psycho-ass Botox smithers, and what kind of nonsense and propaganda they're going to use They're just, it's a little cooler on wheels that delivers food to your house. still a mess and it's just technically the third industrial revolution right like do a lot of

3:00:24 Like I was talking to Molly Crabapple about this. psychedelic artist he's been on the podcast Yeah. French philosopher, It's like no one has a job in California except children. It is so wild to me. Well, it's like these kids. For being a child-trafficked kid. something very unusual But I'm like, what are all these memes? skirts and high heels and made up.

3:03:33 I want to say a couple of years ago on a magazine. there was some kind of of when she would have the answer nobody got arrested it wasn't the dad or something the daughter was the mom but then also And you'll see, oh, there's 50,000 plays of this video, but there's 2000 downloads. and start this business where they're exposing their kids to the world you know fine i won't have my baby live on only fans

3:06:02 Let me just like not censor myself. doing like half hours you know totally uncensored no notes i had done the roasts with them they let Yeah. That's great, too. That's great. YouTube to become YouTube that's true and as there's more restrictions She definitely does stuff on Substack. because I asked Elon to do the podcast, and he said, Well, the video that we have of Elon, I think it got 33 million views.

3:09:19 I couldn't. to Gary Brekka. I like to gonna. They're gonna use you. They right and you're not gonna they're gonna It's funny. That would be the saddest shit ever. He would fuck everybody up. And I think what it's really going to boil down to is AI as president. No, Lex is. It's going to realize that if overpopulation is the problem, And there was like a table like this.

3:12:41 overall choice that for biodiversity on earth it'd be better if humans didn't exist. I mean, the people over there, the best hair, they're feeding, they're eating well over Right. Right. You got to get them food somehow or another. How are you going to get them food? I mean, you've got to plant it out, and it takes extraordinary amounts of money. You have to have chickens roaming around and pigs.

3:14:32 Have you ever seen those pig farms where they fly over them with drones and you see these i gotta wrap this up whitney it's we've already been doing we've been doing like three and a half It's so crazy, but it might be overturned. I think so, too. Thanks for having me. Oh, this is the trailer where I really look. Look at that. Yeah, we're excited. And also, I just think comedy at a club is the greatest.

3:17:01 shot in Gold Leaf architecture. That's what I'm saying. All right. Love you. Love you, too.