Joe Rogan Experience #207 — Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky Transcript

Transcript

0:00 My theory is always, it's probably not scientifically based whatsoever, Deer, really hard to catch, really good for you. That's why it's terrible for you. birds are cunts ladies and gentlemen 100 of all birds that have ever lived are cunts it's a winnable uh topic for animal people because the people that are in, like, because foie gras is like Most people don't eat any, I mean,

2:15 And I'm certainly not one for animal cruelty, but it might be bad if it was a person that you were doing that to. That's all okay. I'm getting a gun to this wonderful bird song Those are cunts. And I figured, well, probably the best forgot to defrost it and I figured, and with the wrapping on, what he was doing. If you let them on your shoulder, they take a shit on you.

4:22 maybe good pets. They're sweet little animals, but they're also delicious. That's good. Every single day. Jesus Christ. This was an El Salvadorian neighborhood. Because the neighborhood is 100% El Salvadorian. You're not supposed to snitch on your neighbors. god remember you were in the living room doing you know what yeah i was jerking off in the living

6:38 It's not like a distant. hear anything i hang up the phone and like two minutes later the phone rings he's like hey tom Yeah, and that was What a terrible way traditional it had like a little el salvadorian flavor yeah yeah yeah some extra horns and really uncomfortable and my house It was half eaten. Wow, two years? I got used to it. Salvadorian guy was crossing the street drunk.

9:11 was riots on the streets yeah helicopters everywhere we got on the roof of our building I have a buddy who lives in Venice on the corner where his daughter plays in the little playground area. What a crazy-ass neighborhood to live in. My neighbor got murdered. like tommy i was like holy shit man and he goes you hear that shit i'm like clearly not no i was

11:00 So this was like a retaliation. You know what I think about a lot? Oh, just random, not premeditated at all. That guy got away with it. for how many cops they can put on to solve crimes. Wow. A lot of Mexican cities have ridiculously high, Yeah, you're not Like, I don't trust anybody. I'm street savvy. Yeah. Who would your dad say? But he liked to listen to the police scanner too

14:40 Yeah He was caught by citizens. And people tackled him. Coming from the scene of a murder. Probably. I went temporary insanity. Like you were thinking about him killing your mom or something like that? Really? Oh, God. and they decide that there's something wrong with that person And you're really not that attractive. to concentrate on because they get to just

17:54 gonna be a cunty blonde and i sometimes i sense it like the assumption is that i'll be a dick to He came over, and I just sensed that he has that thing with some girls where he thinks that we hate him. Yeah. So it's from rejection. Sometimes the relationship means more than it should to you because you're you don't have a whole lot of because I came up with a comedy store, and I was rolling with those boys.

20:06 Maybe they do. It doesn't matter. Look at that. all sorts of walks of life entertain it themselves with they let their mind go into these unfixable This makes me want to push. sloshy, no progress, wishy-washy state of mind. fuck we were doing you know we're open micers we don't know what we're doing but i think there was But does it really bug you that much?

23:06 Judging them on what, Oh, you loved it. sometimes I'm on board, yeah and Eddie's like yeah but Brian's like that's why I went to the bathroom. Like, I see what Eddie was saying. movies i want to see monsters. I want to see monsters. Fuck you. That movie can suck it. what is it the house of sand and fog whatever cancer and then they shot my son oh fuck you

25:10 to be entertainment and it depresses me imagine if you were going like and a lot of times here it goes I think that helps a lot. That's the best. And when he said goodbye, he was just like, yeah, by the way, I used to live in la i hated it and i was like oh and like so like when he said There's a lot of great stuff in L.A. You got Hermosa. No, LA in general.

27:51 i i see it all the time though like i see like i'll be on sunset at three in the morning and normal. The people out here are in the entertainment extent but it's also the circles you run in yeah i mean you're you're running around going to these crazy parties and hanging out with these weird people like you're robbed at a karaoke alright, sir. It might have been

29:47 and you go out more the third and fourth day, Yeah. As you go down 95, Wow. It's ridiculous. And it's not that rare. 5 a.m and i'm like that's because of cocaine 100 right yeah that's cocaine changed that law yeah that doesn't make sense everywhere else is mitzi i don't know if she really did a lot of i should probably not say i don't know that's rumor i know a bunch of different people besides that that have had like

33:16 That was half my paycheck. That was like the big crystal meth. Listen, I'm fascinated by the insight, the mind of a tweaker. And I remember I had this boss who, like, if somebody came in the door My step-sister's kind of like that, too. They picked it too many times. It's not my X. you know, she was completely insane Yeah, desperate especially 24-hour gambling pool hall places which this place was nobody fucked her

36:39 a movie i remember me and my friend me and my friend johnny b were sitting there we were watching nobody's gonna believe this character some fucking crazy bitch comes in all methed out there's a real line between you being around them So like if it's a little bit less, You know, what their perception kill somebody usually. you see that episode all the time where they're like in some la-la land.

38:52 Pre-cum. All that goes out. It's a little better of a drug. doesn't even phase you. I had a discussion with some friends Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say that that was his number one thing, lou reed right yeah did a song about heroin yeah it's such a sensual this blissful energy You can romanticize that drug, but to start crystal meth, I think your judgment is really involved in every single aspect of what you do.

42:25 I think it was more acid. Something like a hippie thing to say. Well, I remember that. Yeah, yeah. That story, they did a really good job of animating that online. I don't know who he told it to. I've done the amanita muscaria mushroom and the Some kids were producing acid, and they busted them. It's something Mushrooms teach me shit man It's just I think that they're not the right kind.

45:09 willing to stick their neck out and sell something illegally you know which is often case but In a convenience store? It's either it could be all visuals or it could be speedy. So they'd gamble for ridiculous amounts of money and just never miss. top level local player. and just sit there There was a gambling table that they on this table there's a gambling

47:29 He wasn't nervous at all. What the fuck are those things? couldn't the guy couldn't miss cuz he's on heroin he's on the shit that's what living off of tricking people to gamble with them that don't play as good as them and then and then plays that's so cool yeah it does everything on feel no hearing you know it's kind of fascinating Like someone who would work at the fucking towers.

49:48 Yeah, it is. He's crazy. What city was this in that you were in? So Guy would keep it open, and we would lock the door, She's not a bad person at all. they were gambling on roaches in all the years I was there easygoing guy but in his mind he's like why why is there this desire to get people to enforce They could be out doing actually bad things, so they're just playing pool.

52:46 There was a shockingly small amount of criminals These guys wanted to do what they wanted to do. with a chess board Like you have a chessboard in your hand. Without, no chessboard. Oh, sure. And he wound up getting a divorce. Really young kid. And he was just learning dude. There was a kid who was a local kid who was an actual chess champion, really young kid,

54:39 That would be funny. I'm sure. Yeah, I knew a lot of prisoners, or a lot of felons, rather. He was a gem of a human. and then use it and buy things and run up. Lost a million a month. Yeah, and the people were like, he was legit. Yeah. and I said hi to him. He was probably already... whether, you know. Anything where you're doing something he's a goddamn savage yeah there's a former mixed martial arts fighter big

58:18 Much like comics do, where it's that dark, they're willing to go, To put up with the physical torture of it, to put yourself out there to get beaten. and they just fucking go wild on each other and shit professional fighter yeah that's so dangerous but at the same time kind of awesome and serves a But it's only boxing? Go at it. What if there's some Kimbo Slice type character?

1:00:38 If you go to. I fucking love Australia dude Shutter Island. Inception. and you're like, like oh so he is crazy Yeah. we went fucking crazy there was like but I wanted Do you want a drink, man? because there was always like, come on man, bro, And then when it got to that point, I'm like, I'm sorry, dude, but you've got to go. I don't want to have to deal with that, but it's my job.

1:03:48 and they're not even considering the fact that maybe in that section A cop? One of them was a table that wouldn't shut the fuck up, And he's pointing down at them. Were you enjoying the show before all this happened? fucking slapping on me and then the table goes yeah we slapped on your table because you wouldn't I go, you should feel horrible that you were so talkative that people had to slap their hand on your table

1:06:07 It's part of what. That's chaos. Like in the showroom? Always. is allowed to, like, if we were Bananas. contingent in the audience? No. this Christians walk There's like 80 people that were there from a Christian group, you know I don't know fucking in front of them you stupid fuck, that's anti-Christian, you dummy. with the baby? Is that coming on this one?

1:09:38 They get upset. It got me a little hard. He was on the Howard Stern show and he was having sex with his dolphin And by the way, folks, the podcast is called Your Mom's House. like silly so dumb and then i always thought that your mom jokes were dumb You guys are both very silly Yeah. like for sure i mean this job is it's almost a uh a given that there's going to be a certain

1:12:13 I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere. and he said, Ugh. worst man tolerate what you say you know yeah because uh i'm you know we're very inappropriate My mom is a cunt. Bro, that's not cool. How did he not win thinking, oh my god, oh my god, and then he shoves the water bottle in mike's glass Alright. When you decide to vote, do it to my face! We were talking already.

1:16:45 I'd pay money and two drinks and everything. should be presented to what, said drop it. Next subject. shroud of turin and they were going to use it to clone jesus and then my joke was like that stuff It could be a test. and this fucking chick just goes, to the rational person unprofessional person I don't know. That's my cutoff. Jesus, Bits. only a couple left for me to find out if you're crazy what do you think about ghosts you know

1:20:07 disagree with you of you know how close you know, That's a complete Paris Hilton, Well, he says the F word. It's in New York. It's like they came to his show and they fucked up his whole thing. Yeah. No. how many people are asleep at those shows like literally asleep yes like sitting there Midnight show, you should cut short. can't you can't just coast on the energy that's already been on stage before you and when two

1:23:52 They're like, hmm, how's this going to go? if they smell your fear you're if they even sense for a minute that you One guy couldn't do his room because he had a strict censorship policy, and they made people do you know like a really clean censored comedy but like it was one I was convinced Was at the he had very strict rules god thank god you don't have to be a clean comic these days

1:26:41 That's why they censored Hicks' shit when Hicks was on CBS. That kind of explains why it's hard to figure out how to do comedy and do it like the most with like the most effective way of what their point is. saying this. And they have a joke I hate hearing my own voice Voice notes thing I listen to it all the time. I did you know Fort Lauderdale for a week and then I was here for a week and then before that we were in Louisville

1:30:03 doing it all the time like it almost like like when you're doing that many sets Charlie Murphy has gigantic balls. where he would host things and then people started giving him money to headline and next thing you story that he told on the podcast about the lion did you ever hear that story he told didn't someone And there's a reason those Mike Tyson YouTube

1:32:56 Mike Tyson Yeah a month, every single day, It was the most confusing time ever, though. I think we flew every day. They scammed. Yeah, if you could find that, folks, if you're interested in it, I'll tweet it later today. That's right. He's a huge martial arts aficionado. talk about bro it all i have to do is hit him once let me tell you something you're raya faber he

1:35:29 guy to sleep he you know there's there's a lot of dudes out there that are professional fighters Manny Pacquiao. first punch. His eye completely swole up. you know there's that level that manny pacquiao level floyd mayweather level there's their And I was like, that kid could fucking kill me. And his dad used to bring him in when he was in high school.

1:38:09 It's scary. When you're a kid, too, it was hard to do, but I did it. I absolutely don't who are working 16 hours a day and you stop I don't know if everybody does. I know how to get back on the horse from here. It's fine. Like when I moved to Colorado, one of the things I was thinking, I was like, damn, I'm This Friday? I shouldn't say next Friday.

1:41:30 Yeah. I'm so excited. What was it like working with Brian at Death Squad? Do you like it now, like doing it from home, It was harder than I thought just to figure it out. No, there were people, there was plenty of those tweets. on like the show like desk web might end up on tv and i was like hold on we don't want to leave yet I figured out the audio, I should say.

1:44:22 That's good. than to try to schedule something. husband and wife, I just want to fucking it's like listening to a couple it's not like where you guys uh you you're a couple but you No, but I think about that a lot when, you can't fucking talk to? stimulating conversation with that's where I'll get my pussy. Make that your whole life. because that'll fix it right

1:46:37 at each other's throats like maybe this wouldn't be the reason why people do that, You don't have to address the real issues. Yeah. didn't make her laugh or vice versa. Where he wiped a booger on an elevator. That's what happens when a guy doesn't give a fuck about pussy anymore. and i was like what the fuck and i looked at him like that and he was like oh sorry buddy and he knocked it off and it was a scraggler too it was a sorry buddy yeah oh that's hilarious podcast he has audio of him

1:49:09 at anything gross. Like, laughing yeah i love your family so much i like your family a lot you like his family more than And then the owner owns the unit next to it, but doesn't live there. it wasn't like part of the deal the unit next door right because blowing into our unit so i go and i knock and then it's this uh use our internet connection well like yeah this is on the first meeting like yeah whoa yeah a little

1:52:08 Can I get that from you, man? No. So then now. No. just in groups of threes. Or someone's just dropping some dick in there. when I was 20 I was have sex you know this dumb bitch you don't you don't want to stop fucking coming yeah I love hearing this stuff. And, you know, back then it was, like, always the shittiest, cheapest motels, the fucking Oh, fuck!

1:55:11 It was like the overkill. Oh, fuck you. 22. during sex is that it's not exactly just pleasure and that actually what she's doing is she's So that's an interesting little possibility. because you're doing it all the time. guys a lot of gold chains crazy screaming like that oh whoa you never know you never know if it's real and they're taking a big chance and going that hard it's theatrical it's a little

1:57:54 fucking phone number wow i'm like wow you crazy hooker yeah like she was she was so crazy she was I mean, this girl, I fucked her the first time I met her. yeah and then i realized she would just do that to anybody she could you know you could just I'm like, wow. day she seems like she's taking the break up like a hyena what do you mean What's next?

1:59:57 That's a great place. scene remember so yeah that's a second city right home base for second city yeah it's a good comedy that's a tip from your Uncle Earl. It is. Comedy Mix. Seldom. So, yeah, we'll probably do some more. It's a weird dynamic. Right, right, right. But, yeah, it became almost like stand-up. Yeah, it's a totally different thing. well sometimes obviously they have no idea who you are sometimes they've seen you do stand-up on tv

2:03:25 So if anybody's in Peoria, Illinois, I'm doing the jukebox. you know, where we could all. I think once you know it already. this one group connected yeah and helping people it's a good idea right awesome yeah i should that's one way to do it too. But also each other like each other yeah yeah well you're getting your website redesigned just make it a

2:06:06 It'll be a section on my website. It's almost non-existent. how many of you guys listen to the podcast? it's like we just get rid of them real quick and it becomes entertaining you know this crowd's been Dude, people in Florida were calling out for me to tell Joey Diaz stories. We're having him on next week. even any music event show ever and they packed that place that was nuts it was really fun it's

2:08:49 like maybe a year ago when i could have put it out but you know when when you have a bit man it's when you can use that sword to cut heads off after a couple of weeks, I wonder, and you decided to like work on that bit for five or 10 years, you know, that all that energy you every 12 months I mean just from experience of watching stand-up right I you've recorded it you know why hold on to something that you can't use well you know i

2:11:35 Sure. You know, like Chris Rock used to do that too. Remember, he used to come in the store and he would just do guts it out. And when he does new stuff, he just does only new stuff. Chris Rock used to do that too. Some guys like to sandwich it in between other bits Yeah, I'm a daredevil, man. But if it works out. in order to keep this society rolling.

2:13:12 it's amazing it's really amazing when you stop and think about it and i wonder how long society Or do they know they're miserable? The level of happiness is not often dictated by what their environment is like. Well, really the issue, obviously, I gotta tell you, just three miles away was that there was very few people up there, Absolutely. You almost can feel it

2:15:47 Like I was getting straight A's because I was hanging out with this nerdy girl. And prolific. I get excited I always get excited think about how many Red Band. where you could start a whole network of podcasts But people are choosing that over turning on a television or over watching a movie. Well, it's really good but people are choosing that to over turning on a television

2:17:11 I love listening to podcasts this isn't even bad entertainment that makes doing other shit more interesting you do it while you're on long drives Don't fly dirty. And that doesn't exist on television anymore. Yeah, that's... talking about your... you're going to see this scene. Right. And then you come back from commercial, you're going to see this scene right yeah yeah and then they tell you coming up next you're gonna see this scene and then you come back from commercial you're gonna see this scene right now

2:19:10 That's part of the beautiful thing about it. They won't cut. Right. It's all binary. But it just limits the way we see the world this So you're allowed to say things that you would never say with any real person in front of you. They're misogynistic. They're homophobic. They're racist. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, they're misogynistic. It's a weird thing where we've developed a way to communicate with people that is.

2:21:44 believe you want you want censorship i don't want when I kick them out of a band and they say, yeah, I can't believe you want censorship. when you create problems And those help me. completely ad-libbing that's what i'm doing i'm gonna make mistakes you know i'm gonna make It's like, You know the did you listen to? I'm not getting into exact numbers,

2:23:49 So when I read negative shit, I have to take it into assessment. then you've got to look at the motivation of this person conversation about this. Let's politely talk about it. You tell me why. I'll pretend like you're my So go ahead. You fucking faggot. Fail. you got fucking smacked. I used to fight I don't write awful things on the internet to people.

2:25:41 Because nobody lays a beating on another girl like a black girl does. Okay. This chick beat the fuck out of this girl There's great fighters. while they're down is easily the worst there's this one guy that that damage while he's unconscious. Yes, started taking his clothes off. certain extent the mob mentality is real and it does happen sometimes, I don't think that's what was going on there.

2:28:05 amount of crime he sees every day charm city yeah they call it but you would think like baltimore showed up this girl's house World star hip-hop Twitter beef. She's like, people send me things. it girls cuz she's successful too of course yeah people hate everything Yeah, that's when you release the kraken of shame. Jerks. That's a really, you know, give a guy a really distorted perception of reality if he's into that shit, you know?

2:30:35 Nice way to announce it on the podcast. you can know that someone she shows up Watch. God damn it. Talk about that hoe. It was on Stanhope's Twitter. The guy was arrested and convicted. that he was having a problem with. That will come later. that's that changes everything because that's first of all that's creepy as fuck yeah then he Like, you call people cunts like every other word.

2:34:04 Yeah, apparently. And, of course course stanhope took up the fight because do you see stanhope the thing He's saying all this shit on Twitter. was gonna die. So she went off and she was trying to get him arrested and had them investigate him Yeah, while in England. TSA or whatever the hell it is. What is it? Silly bitches. Dumbest of all. Some drunk kids.

2:36:52 Tom, you remember that article You think? but she okay he wasn't she wasn't ugly. Yes, I think so Is it possible? It changed my life. I was suicidal. Yeah. So you got super lucky first time with this, this is the first counselor? the other day i think the problem with velcro though is is after a couple weeks start getting Dyke look I'm already crossing the line as a female comic. So I try to keep it somewhat family

2:40:25 I really loved watching Bill Hicks and a lot of dudes. You know, I actually try to channel masculine But on stage, I just am a fucking dude. It's a different kind of funny. Very funny, here's my theory on this, I'm a man. Oh, the suffragettes. 1913 they could vote? Yeah. So when I do, then they're like, whoa, whoa, you little girl. I won't threaten or challenge.

2:43:44 do it and there's a lot of funny in it, but Bobby Lee could do it, too Totally blow like five lights in a row. What's your favorite food? Hot dogs if they're sliced up for me. It's been there for 65 years. talking about right okay is that a 70s thing or something no no no the the apparently some people Yeah, I don't like it as much as I like it over coal coal I like over your hardwood charcoal cold. It kind of pissed me off

2:46:19 Oh, yeah, like it's like you could tell it was there before the neighborhood was there. What about Musso and Frank's? All right, as always, you guys are awesome it's a good idea that takes way too long so come on down And I do believe that it's parallel thinking. All of it, 10% off if you use the code name Rogan. We got a lot of cool new shit. Oh it's fun

2:48:38 Save yourself 10% off See you soon.