Joe Rogan Experience #20750002 — Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Who runs the world girls Oh, I thought you were joking. Chicken soup for the soul? Bro, I can't even read that. I thought when she got in trouble, it would just blow a hole through everything. What's the worst thing she did? She's a queen. Lizzo rules. Why? It's maybe, but maybe not. Something about you. I guess I don't give a fuck about it

3:19 that would kill The thing that does suck about it, though, is them covering it. dressed go back to that please please please I'm the wiggling of the buttocks played it? She's a good flutist. Oh, Mark, now I take it back. And so she fucking moved her body a little bit. What? Here's my take. Exactly. Yes. That's what he said. Wouldn't left-wing be mad? No, no, no, no, no, no.

6:19 No! The Jews killed Jesus Yes, I agree with that. It's like Rosanna at the National Anthem. We are Team Lizzo. Yes. This is a good tune. That's a good song You know, that's always how it works, little man. Or do you run the thing like you're a benevolent dictator? Fat dancer. My 600-pound life. Damn, look at that big dog's back. Is this the California Panthers?

9:06 We got to get her on here. If you watch all that, that's all fun to me. Smithsonian liberalist so they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner? I mean, isn't that a weird thing? It's playing a flute And this guy's This rules They're not doing that in Germany. He's just doing the fucking imperial march on harmonica. Harmonica? It really all depends upon your reverence for the king, right?

11:06 Napoleon? Yeah, they did. They went over to Hamburg, Germany, and they played like six days a week, eight hours a day. How are you guys so good? That's don't do it. Jesus Christ, dude. I know that's not vitamins. He's topping it off like we're at a gas station. A zoom on this Semitic head. That's good liquor. Yeah, I have to pee too. Joe. What are you doing?

13:32 Well, now you've got to hold it. It's like you had a pie chart of all the times I've seen him piss. You're sexy. You finally saw it. It's literally a urinal attached. I think he's doing good. in Worcester. He's got some of the best stand-up, like, just over the years. And I thought about it, and I was like, I mean, that's a decent point. Yeah. He's just saying,

16:32 He sold out a, all these theaters in New York Well, somewhere along the line, people realized that they can become the gatekeepers. night at a bar show. And he goes, oh wait, talking about this last night, like negative You've got to keep it up, and you can't keep it up forever. Are they pissing bottles? If you drink it, you'll be the king of skank fest.

18:19 He would drink it. He goes, I'll eat all this if I get an internship show for free. Nothing to gain. No, no. You know what's fun? Yeah. Loki Oh, Xi Jinping. Oh, FU. Everybody laughed at them. Yeah. Yeah. What'd I miss? I was not getting nasty. Please don't be sacrilegious. Whatever's going on inside you can't be fixed by science. Scarlet letter C's in the fucking window.

21:45 You're like, something's up. How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex? But no, that's needles too But the wild ones are the ones that kill you From Native Americans There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that started happening right after guys of what people looked like you're just banging some lady in a teepee.

23:41 I didn't know you could than the one that existed in North America without your face. Nah, it's It makes you rot holes in your It eats away at your skin, so you expose bone. God, that's so terrifying. Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today, that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics? Wow. But I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing?

26:22 not because it's not right now because right now now Ari can cough and I can fucking unzip or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat. Like, boom. I hope it's just crows and cats. And all the cenotes. We haven't in a while. What is it? It's so cold. hate us. They hate our freedoms. America's fallen. You accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime.

29:16 What do you mean? Best golf in the world. Whoa. That's even worse, dude. Got to get in oil. That's when they would all arrest us. If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, hey, gas stations. We're a stripper park. Can you imagine? Oh, here's the idea. That's when they would all arrest us. I would go. Gas station. Okay. You're excited about the fashion?

31:35 we should... Oh, they're off Instagram. Gen alpha We're due for a fun group We're due for a good one. Yeah, hard guys make soft dicks. You know this is like a fucking cycle They figured it out a long time ago. This is like these At least we get to talk about it. We get to talk about the In Gaza's troop? Sure. I'm just joking. If we really made every world leader,

34:42 Closed down. And then have someone talk to you about things. When did you start it, Ari? Maybe we should start buying beers for America. Also, Christmas but also this is the holiday edition. It is a Christmas episode. So maybe we should start bonging beers for America also Christmas. You're going to have to pay for that one. Who? No, that's it. Oh, okay. That was singing. That's yours? Okay, who else? Who?

35:54 Hit Hall & Oates. This is good. Come on, man. Look at her. Mike Cannon. This is the most played Christmas song of all time. Let's keep doing it. What a body she had. Oh, yeah. about P. Diddy than 50 Cent. Uh-oh. 50 rules. This is like when you fucking roll a Pandora and an ad comes on. Wait for the drop. I'm sure it's awesome. James Brown. They thought it was a moneymaker.

39:27 It's not as easy as it seems. He's talking. Genuinely, I watch it. Oh, shit Is that a punchline? I'll Sandler for Hanukkah. He might be the GOAT. I just ran GOAT. He might be the GOAT. He's so genuinely nice. My daughter loves him because We watched nothing We watched everything. Waterboy. All right, death to Adam Sandler. You're so wrong. of all time.

43:05 It's been a while since you guys called it W. Holla. She got fired. Just be like Sandler. They have to care. Yep. I am delivered I don't date women. He wants to put on makeup so bad. Hold on, wait a minute! It really does look exactly like Jordan Peele. This is my song. Women, women, women. I would not put on makeup. We got to stop J-Mo. It doesn't go away.

46:56 Probably the same amount of numbers. Why'd you go black? No, I haven't. Nobody gives a fuck if you're gay if you're funny. That's straight dudes. I'm talking like He had a joke. And they're, like, in there, like, looking like looking at like like oh look at the wallpaper your commander yells at you. I don't even understand how this is legal. . There's a couple.

50:04 Joe, we cannot have mind reading. If you brought... Never going to happen. of what a thought is. This is a movie with Tom Holland That's hilarious. Chappelle had a bit when he was 14 about how superheroes, he's like, you know, what if That's what we would think. We think that's not progress. Joe. Look around. I'm really into reverse here, but. literally every

53:01 every single woman If she looks at you and goes, this guy, he's a sweet guy. Bentley after looking at it online. When you see lunch and Sanchez and Jeff Bezos you like I get it Just like superior genetics. What voice? That was good. End of society. fucker I'd fucker I'd fucker of course how about this I wouldn't fucker When you see your friend, he's with this woman, and you're like, oh, that's going to be the end of him.

55:54 We're not going to hang out with you anymore because you've got some We've all seen that one, you know? then a Crocodiles take them out. by a woman they talk about Like, it's totally Like Mackenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos. She made like 38 billion dollars and she married a dude worth Yeah. Like, what are your options? You're looking at it wrong. None of them get a scientist.

59:05 Yeah, that's a lot. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Thumb up. You got a fun thumb. Yeah, Ari's got it. That's insane. I get that all day all night. Bro, when I was in high school, I remember there was dudes that could take their thumb You can do that? Jamie used to be able to do it. Which way do you go? I'm a solid inch and a half away. Christmas wrapping.

1:01:37 Double-jointed. That was big. Well, we had to make fun. What do you mean? How old was he? No, no, no, this is everybody's. Some of those are Fong's. It's everybody's This guy's having fun. No, shut the fuck up. That's amazing. No, no. Some of those are bong videos. King of misinformation. Oh, really? I get a lot of shit for that online. Everybody's like, no one did that. I did that. I was like, no, guys, it's fun. You should try it. I get a lot of shit for that online.

1:03:39 Why wouldn't you share it? We all got together and got under the covers. Yeah. And we'd fucking trade porn with each other. And I. It was huge. Sharing porn at school. Yeah. That's exciting. I said, if you want to watch that. Yeah. I don't know. Did he try to convert you to Scientology? It was right behind Fred 62's. They'd call it, like, a private moment.

1:05:34 And he said, dude, everyone was Scientologist. All right, that's legal. Definitely don't film it up. Don't film it up. Don't film it up. Wow that up, J-Mo. She was around 17 or 18 during filming. All right, that's legal. I mean, come on, dude. What do you mean nothing? And then they got me a PS2. I was like, all right. Have you ever seen that kid? My Nintendo.

1:07:16 We need a piece of music. I can't believe My parents got us What's a wrestling buddy? I can't stop laughing. I fucked the shit out of Hulk Hogan. I saw him. No. You tried to push me to the brink last week. Since then, you've been peeing every episode. Shotgun that. Nice. Hey, Ari. AriShafir.com from the river to the sea. It is the best club. Oh, my God. You pay 1.25%. Why would they go anywhere else? Palestine pro people, go bomb that. Yeah, Palestinians are welcome.

1:10:38 Mark. Well, can you explain what brain freeze is? I get it. I get it in here. No, I was gonna take it. It's so hardcore that your brain is like, holy shit, what is this? You know it's funny. I get I get uh Wow Is he? Joe, give me that. The dad president lottery? He went to first in charge. You can't judge him. Let me think. Yeah, that's a good one.

1:13:28 Christmas in Hollis is up there. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Chug on that. Man, well done, buddy. The world needs this kind of four level stupidity that we provide. they're the older here. He goes, no That's exciting. All right, thank you. Oh, time's up? I've been going for liquor. Oh, you have coffee? These get hot here. Is he going to piss in that too?

1:16:33 Give me just a little caffeine. What am I looking at? The whole country's coming out at her off for it. I wasn't a pedo back then, dude. There's something with the Mousketeers. Aguilera. Joe. Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes is a wild stallion. Good. Amanda Bynes. Yeah, those kid stars are fucked. Okay. He knows we might want to look at different options.

1:19:16 Mom's in the Holocaust. There he goes. Well, here out the voter class is retarded, so... Who's paying attention? Is that what it costs? That'd be a funny post. I gotta find a new one. Andy Hall, there's a scene where the other guy, his friend, goes, I had two women last night. Yeah, Tony Roberts. Like, hey, watch out, there's smoking in this movie.

1:21:30 For what? If you get Trump for a thousand bucks a date. I'm not just full. The white Benz. Hold on a second, Mark Garman. Joe has literally every Yeah. It's a great car. And I'm like, dude, that S giant fan of engineering it's a great class is nice it's the shit because it's enough what do you want a I know, I'm joking. I knew as much or more about that car.

1:24:31 We just went on the fucking 101. What? Look at this. Listen to me, man. pounds. It's immediately at 100%. Leon Thomas could carry a woman behind her and still win the gold medal. Dodge dealership. It has Dude, this thing is insane. Crazy. Back legs only for like three steps. God damn it. A water bottle. What jug? It is cool. How do you have time? The old wizard Shafir, he cast the spell on the young Jew.

1:28:24 That's insane I saw him drink it I can piss. Right to that camera. Up higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Higher. Ari, you got to drink that. Number 10. That piss is extraordinary. I'm not scared of piss. When I was a kid, our plumbing went out for like a week, so we had to pee and stuff. Oh, that's a college thing.

1:31:11 Have you tasted piss? Ultra runner piss? I don't believe it's piss. One is for pissing and one is for marking It's just water. I have a master's in pissology. not hydrated. It's all bad. What's the big deal? Who gives a fuck? It's all moisture. It's all honest. Like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Red wing. Think of a Hanukkah. That was quite a spit.

1:34:00 We forgive, dude. Or you can be four dudes just having a good time. What's really important about the future of the world. Shut up about your whiskey here. What do you got? Oh, it's a great song. It's time, dude. We can get with some LPGTQ. I was ready to write a sub stack on that. JMO's always a saboteur. He was so good No, no, no. Jamie, if you don't play Paul McCartney.

1:36:27 No, which video that we just saw is AI? I want to hear what the fuck they did. Just empty your mind, Grouse Hopper. Did you drink any of that? Mark, you do this every time. Ooh. Go. Look at that guy. give a fuck about those kids. I think he was chemically castrated. jail. This is a good tune. DMX next. Shane! Here we go. Where is he? Forever. Are they Jewish Hanukkah songs?

1:41:40 silver comes into the octagon it's like mouth top. Dude, you got to realize this is like when Anderson Silva was in the Matrix. I mean. Bill Withers? Israel Asani decisioned him. He was younger. Anderson just fought too long. I didn't know we could go pee like that. I love Napoleon. when Napoleon, it's Yeah. Yeah. It's probably how they actually And that was his last words.

1:45:09 Yeah. So he was an average height, surrounded by, yeah, whatever. I just want to talk about O.S. Piss. The new shit is very funny. And then you're like, oh, right, Shane, Mark, Joe, everybody's like, oh, I'm actually really Yeah, you don't want to feel. There's a weird moment where you're like, Yeah. And you have nothing. Like what you're talking about is nonsense.

1:47:25 a numbers thing. a good faith show. 400, 500, 600. What? Yes. But it's like, if you had one show Master of Arts and Play? No, no. Music's like something spiritual. I know. I'm saying you. Stand-up's like, alright, it's different with stand-up. Where would you be? Anywhere. You mess around. No, no. Music's like something spiritual. You know what, though?

1:49:01 to be so good at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're dead. You're in heaven. What would you have performed more? Zero. You got one left. Really? that place is fucked. Listen to me. It's about to be a rebirth of artistic integrity instead of fame and fucking fortune. But it also might be like every other failed civilization. They're out at 1 a.m. having a good time

1:51:23 It's great. degeneration of society is engineered. What's there to gain from doing that? Panama. I've ever had in here. You had him in here? This is Joe Rogan like, I'm lucky to meet this guy. I don't remember that, but it was in the front patio. You don't think America's number one, dude? His license plate said Van Halen. He was the man. Is he Jewish?

1:53:44 That's a crew. He has a handler. Bruce Buffer's nuts, him, Bruce Buffer, and a bunch of my other friends. Damn, that's a crew. he doesn't carry a wallet. That dude lives in Pasadena, rides his bike to the grocery store. Wow. Yeah, he does. Yeah, me too. There he is. All those tattoos are done traditional Japanese style. Bamboo tattoo He's a really nice guy

1:55:44 I can't remember One time, me and you were going to a movie at Universal. Pull it up. Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? 11. I'm going to tell you something about Ari. First time I met Ari was at JFL. Take these also. I was like, I assumed you knew. It was four grams. Seven grams. This is for everybody. You're the bro.

1:58:29 First of this. That's the guy from the other picture. I listened to... This is going to be Ari in 10 years. Hold on. We've been off for 20 minutes. Time to begin our self. Oh, that's your phone. Please respect the federal government. By the way, we did Stairway to Heaven last time or whatever that was. Stop reading the comments. That's a good song.

2:00:44 Guys, I beat off two guys every night. You know what hurts me the most? What? Is I get so excited when you guys. I care about you guys, too. I get told. You know what hurts me? Guys, I beat off two guys every night. We got two of us living here. Around the country? It is great. Great holiday party. Joe took acid and was like being nice. Watching the Eagles lose to the Cowboys

2:02:24 For his tequila. Comedy. Do a YouTube video. But if you want to do an actual ad? Load it up. That might be more Bud Lights sold than in any geographic block since Kid Rock shot them cans. Shut the fuck up. No, we don't. Relax. Yeah, there's no updates, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Listen, in all fairness, Ric Flair? Yeah, yeah. It was silent. He comes from like Porky's.

2:05:10 Just the anti-Semitic through line. Just be a nice person, but have because of that. What are you doing? You lighting things on fire? Buddhist, bro. Jesus Christ. We did it. How crazy is it that Israel exists surrounded by Islamic states? You have a dome built to stop rockets. Yep. That's crazy. That's crazy. You have to build that. And we funded it. Yeah. Common enemy. You have a dome built to stop rockets.

2:07:10 Hey, remember Jordan has no voting rights of Palestinians or the majority? China. They've said it. I'm the oldest. he's 100% more this whole thing is nuts Palestine did that? I don't know. All right, free Palestine. Who the fuck is that? They relate the most to them. Ireland's fine. What's his name? Dan Aderman versus me. He's a clear anti-Semitic Jewish cartoon.

2:10:32 Let's do it. Someone will do it. I'm actually good at my job. I don't know about you guys, but I'm done for. Tony, you know what sucks? He would fucking interrupt him three times. How's that, Joe? Just try. in the journey of escaping Criss Angel. He's taller than the Empire State Building. Hold on, sweet angel. You know what happened to Billy Joel?

2:13:32 You can't trick out of that. You can't do this. I'm here for America. Because Billy Strings rules and Danny Brown rules. You're drinking out of the bottom of an angel. They rule! The improvement in the way human beings communicate with each other and how we move forward. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Put those headphones where I got them. Didn't he drive through a couple playgrounds?

2:15:58 Captain Jack will get you high tonight Hopefully, man, fuck the hottest chicks in the world. Most importantly, we love America. We love you. We love everybody.