Joe Rogan Experience #2089 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Just in case, if you're gonna show me something interesting. What is it called? It stopped whatever the deterioration that I was experiencing where my eyesight was starting to go. glasses as much if i'm reading things on my phone. And you did the right thing because you didn't submit to these. Hold on. And if you don't look at things in the distance all the time, you lose that ability.

2:36 We got to make it. I mean, doesn't coke give you, like, a crazy amount of blood flow to your brain? And especially now. They check the fentanyl. Everybody's doing ketamine. She just did too much. I go, fuck that. I had done too much. It's a different kind of fucked up, right? Oh, no. The Green Book. So, you know I saw The Green Book? He was great in that Netflix documentary, or the Netflix show we were just talking about,

5:54 I kind of went with him a little bit, right? You don't need to do this to me. No. angel. And finally, she really is. you fuck around. Like when I was living The mushrooms hit. landing Joe Rogan I almost fucking lost it. You just had a panic attack almost. Something's got to fall apart eventually. That's why when I was talking to Alex Berenson, he wrote that book, Tell Your Children.

8:45 You could fucking crack. It gets, marijuana at the high doses is not what people think it is. they could send you over the top bro Bro, I had a guy come over Well, it's also like when someone And more people are smoking pot now than ever before, whether it's vapor pens. I would imagine there's more people smoking it now just because of that, because it's legal, right?

11:24 But I never felt wrecked the next day You know, it's really crazy that we don't really know what alcohol does to our bodies. beneficial for that because it tracks your heart rate variability and it gives you like a real Look, my body's functioning better. You know what improved the best? You'll see that you're sleeping 545, 610, and you're like, this ain't working.

13:26 Take a nap. I'm, do so I had to get up early so I only got like five or six I can function but I'm in my mind Yeah. But the real studies are on the regular sauna. Like, so you're on your way to the gym. And if you do that on a regular basis, you get get used to it you get used to being uncomfortable but goddamn they saw more improvement. You know I love her.

16:12 that 51 So it's like a static form of cardio. yoga room like they make a sauna that's just for working out in. And then I get up and I stretch a little bit. in the sauna I don't smoke. I go in the red light sauna. fucking fungi toenail sweat, Cryo therapy. We don't have a bed. It's harder to do. I didn't discover that when I was doing drugs. So you mean the cryotherapy or you mean the sauna?

20:34 It was the thing they did Yeah. absolutely a Japanese guy invented this. frozen lake and I was like these guys are just insane there's no bet I'm like what the benefit He found out about it when he's wrestling the Russians and the Eastern Europeans. Here's Fedor. And then there's Anderson. You forget. And I go, remember I said to you, bro. or anybody else. And it was a

24:02 fan of Anderson's already. and then he became Charles Oliveira, the assassin that everybody knows. Right. Cage Warriors is the the biggest armed robbery in the history of He was just letting him punch him in the face. Just like but she ain't got shit and A guy would sneak over. I don't think he was a favorite. That's what he did. Yeah. What about the night we hit acid hit of acid, and that's

27:21 Lieben would connect on guys, they would go night-night. Look at that jab. Shucks him off Tough as nails. I was fucking hypnotized by that. There was a bunch of chubby guys that looked like me. That was 2004. No, Scott Ferroza was really big. in Miami a long time ago I've gotten a whole new level of respect for what I heard he's done in Newark. I mean, he's got a shit ton of businesses.

30:30 That's a big dude. spoke to him or anything. I did Fear Factor with my brother? Everything's good, man. Really? You get beat up with the leafs, the steam, the fucking cold plunge. They got a everything. It's everything. You get beat up with the leaves, the steam, the with fucking leaves at this point in my life. to go any other And I just swam more and more every day.

32:29 I sat there for about 5 minutes Did they beat his ass? They asked him one time, can we sit here? Eddie Bravo and I used to work out at 24 Hour Fitness, Is it there? They find places to fuck, and they would go there to look for other buff guys to fuck i mean and you imagine the problem with guys is He said the gym was barely a gym. I think you had a bit about it before we left LA.

35:12 And with my world, I love these motherfuckers. But meanwhile, there's 100 guys with leather Well, they also don't have to pretend. they have to pretend to be something different. She's in New York. And Christy, out of the love of her heart, time i signed up for a consultant thing, like He goes, come back here And he goes, just walk. I knew little things, you know, from lifting as a kid.

38:08 to my asshole at that point. Like, my friend told me about that website he used to go on, Boys Ahoy, that was just this shit. The carnies. Good for them. A lot of them guys, when they get old, it gets rough. It gets rough. I don't know. Yeah. A lot of them guys, when they get old, it gets rough. And you get talked into those stupid shit. And I took them to go see fucking Jelly, Olivia Rodrigo.

40:18 And they're those old school New York geezers, gay guys. They just sat there and every once in a while they would look at each other and look at Now the two gay guys haven't said a word. 68, they both had It's Christmas time. Just to see Cher. That's Biden's age. How's she sound? Yeah, that's the show I was at. That sounds pretty fucking good. In Union City, walking into Pastore Music with fucking the king, Greg Orman.

43:27 You know? Give me that, Jamie. So you like the burning tingle about three years ago, A couple of them. That's what he brought. That's KC the Sunshine Band When we do arenas The whiskey gets poured. Be it early morning, late afternoon, or at midnight. Nobody told me. I thought I was going to miss out on big artists, big acts. Remember our guy Mark Curry?

47:07 I got him into the ha-ha, and then he was working a little at the store before the pandemic hit. Mark was always a killer. So underrated. So when. What do you expect? Oh, Mark was so underrated. Mark was always a killer. Yeah. You didn't have to earn a conversation with him. He'd talk to young comics. Yes. When I walk in the store, he's always very nice. Great to everybody. You didn't have to earn a conversation with him.

47:56 Did a big place, though. Come on, son. I'll have you on. Like say if we do a seven o'clock show at the Mothership, Mm-hmm, and we would go onto the stage, You miss, like, it was an old club. And then it became a comedy club in the early 70s. L.A. shit for an hour. on Friday and Saturday, That's what I miss about L.A., the Armenians. hometown, I had Armenians up there growing

50:42 No, I miss them. You were out I miss him. He's not at the pace like, I go out Friday and Saturday. you? Yeah. The thing about living in Vegas, Joey, is one, it's great tax benefits, but two, Red Rocks is nice. I saw Dana White gambling there, and he was down $600,000 playing blackjack. I'm getting anxiety. I can't watch this. He won like $7 million one night

53:01 gig. So it was like The gig is at 10. But I'm not good at it. The thing about pool is making the shot. So all the gambling addicts were just addicted to gambling. Like, I know people who play two, three days. He plays poker. He's a real poker player. I'm a psychopath and if you give me something like poker I don't even know how to play dice. this is like a high level of potential violent activity

56:29 I went twice he'd open up the door, Joe you thought cocaine And then we all went to a hotel and snorted coke until the next day. This is 30 years ago. They figure it out. It's like when you book numbers on the phone. Then a month later, next door. Numbers was big. fucking Japanese guy and this old Cuban dude, As I was walking towards the bus on 7th Street,

59:15 I go, don't go down there. That's my job, to look, to keep my fucking eyes open. Because I'm telling you, I fucking know. Don't fucking lurk all day. Or you're going to go to try to hide something. it is, and then they come in and, you know. It's a different world You wouldn't even have a record. Dog, I'm still going back and forth with these motherfuckers.

1:01:21 When you do this, we're going to have to fucking fly in a day early. Canadians. I got nothing against Canadians, but it's the way Snoop Dogg can't play Canada? they get an envelope anyway. My friend from the Miami Improv dated a girl from Buffalo, He would drive me to Ontario, You were the guy that was working. You guys let me in last week. my plan is this.

1:03:42 That was brutal. I fucking loved it. And when I feel like I got 45 minutes, Philadelphia's great. Nobody's going to ever walk out of my show in philadelphia no they're fun yeah nobody will ever walk out of my shows in philadelphia Animals. That's where I belong. I get it. Jersey's not cheap. Bro, because it's going to be by having a Tennessee address?

1:06:12 Dubai, there's no tax. He moved over there. If you know what that is. for programs that are ridiculous. Just fuck you. it's a wild thing it's a wild thing there that boredom with abbott is doing down there Good, we'll help you out. She's like, that's enough. There's too many. Millions. I saw those fucking lines. No, I get it. That's part of the hustle.

1:10:04 Right. Just Google that. Write that. Sneak? Sne sneak through the border? Write that. December 24th. That's crazy. Okay. program powered by a phone That's just what I'm saying. I'm saying sneaking in, So 10,000 a day. all this shit, and I hear all this shit, But do you see the lines of the people that are fucking coming through? And the migrants are not happy. No. They're losing their fucking minds. Well, they thought they were going to the migrants. Yeah. And the migrants are not happy.

1:13:12 Now they're homeless. No. We're not, of course. And this just isn't New York. Yeah. So, you know, this was just something. Right? Like we talked about the Mar-a-Lago thing a bunch of times where they tried to say that he overvalued Mar-a-Lago and the judge said it's worth $18 million. Talking about fucking Trump. He was saying it the other day. they're fed up with the influence that big companies have over the things you do and don't

1:16:37 I'm not the guy to have this conversation with. That you have to realize that if you wanted the country to be better, you would have spent that money here. anything just talking about it buffalo yeah cleveland pittsburgh yeah all these cities up of you can't have Tony Hinchcliffe's dad He was doing well, They shouldn't have had us locked down for that long.

1:18:35 You had a sticker. of it because COVID started to surge. There was no evidence at all that it was causing And you didn't listen to all the experts and you didn't take into consideration people's health, You can't run these giant scams like this where you're just fucking over the whole country so that doesn't mean that they're evil and this narrative is stupid this narrative that

1:21:15 still. What are they doing now that Shit, man. Kennedy. But he was more blown away about going into those palaces and those casinos. get a red wave, Dog, that is not the type of shit to talk about those people. They love Trump. What I just said was, what other country? Why? Okay. It's nicotine pouch. Check this. Let's go, Joey. There's probably going to be violence.

1:25:18 You know what Jim Brewer has a fucking great bit about the Women's March? And now no one can tell you what a woman is. And she's yelling at him. Opening the door to fucking psychopaths. This is it. Yeah, click this look at this A whole grown man. Good luck. want to go where the little girls are shitting. People are out of their minds. There's a certain

1:28:32 What happens in that situation if the cops come there was no assault that was in San Francisco. They might arrest that lady now think that the culture has moved to the point countries. I think the algorithm supporting that and pushing that out to people, people are super Wasn't there a fucking TED talk a couple couple years ago about some chick saying that we need

1:30:20 and then post them on Facebook and Instagram. God, that lady's a great Yes, she was. Those epic shots? that gets emerged. they're everywhere now everywhere Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it just popped up. Well, the guy I really know that he even talked to me about it. He goes, Joey, even heard of it before No, my friend said I work out with a guy, Joe, for the life, Tom, this motherfucker.

1:33:39 If you do it correctly, it'll work. Because you've got to double your protein intake. steak. You know, I'll eat all that It works 80% better with resistance training. going to eat less when you're going into starvation mode. So you're burning off more calories than Yeah, but I do know that some people get side effects, Yeah, I hope they help your knee, man.

1:35:54 No, no, no. I go, I'd love to tell you I felt a needle. Beautiful. I'm telling you that it is the weirdest fear that you could ever fucking have. That tough his nails drinking Irish Ophidia phobia. Do not pass out. I have thousands of them. Mm-hmm. When she was my girlfriend, she would send me down to get a blood test. When they stuck the needle in the heart,

1:38:57 She said, I just passed back. That was no bueno for Papa. He just falls asleep. He just blacked out. Well, it's not good if you're not in shape. That was a great way to make money. It was fucking fantastic. So like the moment like it would start snowing people would be showing up at people's houses They got stuck fucking putting rocks off there. Like it's a dangerous thing to do,

1:41:43 A lot of people drop fucking shoveling snow. Yeah, you're done. That's a lot. And just blacked out behind the wheel. because nobody walks on them. If you're That If you're a kid, that's a good deal. Look at this. Look at this. So did they play in that snow? They only blow off the lines, so my God, that's hilarious. They only blow off the lines so you're running through snow?

1:44:22 American about that. Play it in the fucking rain. Meanwhile, it's snowing. There was motherfuckers with no t-shirts on. He just got hammered because he before he went in the water. I have bonkers, These motherfuckers. Johin. He knew he was dying. is at a greater risk of hypothermia. blood vessels and cancel out Nevertheless, the relaxing qualities right here, in the ER, cold patients who are

1:47:57 His actions might speak to a man Not only did Joaquin, however I say his name, He said, we threw them in. that the water now rippled through the cabin doorway wrote historian Walter Lord in A Night to Remember. Lord was in touch with the dude before the Baker's 1956 death. only as a great list over to port. Woo! The first stage of cold water immersion is known as cold shock,

1:50:47 This dude didn't give up. 19 or somewhere around there. 107th. Yeah, I'll go too. miles an hour oh my god immediately started attacking her body which kept her alive because Yeah, I don't know what terminal velocity is if you don't have one, but. Oh, yeah. You might not be able to. I think there's a number. Oh, fuck. This is a long time ago. And he threw his can away.

1:53:48 It looks like that's all they did is just put his legs around him. I'm sure it's exciting, but fuck that. I guess. But, you know, you got to try shit. I'll never ski. And it would change my life. Dog, you got to live there. worst thing is when people say to me, I'm going After one day of skiing, if you're not skiing consistently, bro, you use muscles you haven't used before.

1:56:04 For sure. When you ski. So people go up there. Dog, that's not a, different things hurt. They use different fucking muscles when you ski. So you get good, you get used to it. There wasn't even helmets for skiing when I was skiing. That ain't an adventure for me. Something out of a plane. They landed on their ass instead of straight and they fucked their back up. No, you land wrong. I know someone who landed on their ass. They landed on their ass instead of straight, and they fucked their back up.

1:58:01 I went to Puerto Rico, and my parents, my mom and the other parents left us alone I heard an ambulance from the sixth floor. There was a 205 West 88th Street was on the corner. record player at the bar and she And then I would come back. We would jump in their dumpster and take all the fluorescent bulbs out and light bulbs And I would put the light bulbs on the floor,

2:00:13 backwards. Now this was a pervert kid, It wasn't no malice intended. Taking a 10-year-old to a brothel. pieces of work. Not these kids growing up today It's going to be a completely different world. You know, and it's so weird that I had a shitty childhood Wow. like the Bronx or something like that. That's fucking crazy. North Bergen's not all good.

2:03:02 What's that? of the state and how much of it is actual rural, You know what also they have? Yeah. Oh, they're there, Joey. in the middle of a like a crowded suburb cars are stopped you ever seen this? No. Find that video. That video's fucking bananas. it. Yeah, they restarted it. After a couple years mailbox That's New Jersey. They'll kill small dogs.

2:05:49 They're not teddy bears. Nah, an hour. You should do a residency in Philly. No. That's the move. Yeah. That'm 44 minutes from Philly. Yeah. And I'm an hour five. Nah, an hour. Bro, I go to basketball games. I go, I wonder how long this is going to last. Nasty motherfuckers. Philadelphia is a little fucking rough, bro. I just jumped down to the audience.

2:07:38 Think about the things that come out of Philly. But one of those guys who was a top-level pool player had a place in, Okay, scroll up. It said he died 2017. Boardwalk Empire. And that's where I went for my surgery one time all that Philadelphia shit. of just everything. I go to another place, I just. They got the pasta, the steaks, and that's that place. I go to another place.

2:10:22 There's times I work out and I just go straight there. But my neighbor, Jody Puma, probably outc they're all great, but my neighbor Jody Puma Off the chain, bro. There's a place that gets, A little salt. I know you did Weight Watchers for a while, and you lost a bunch of weight. Yeah, like a motherfucker. It took me a while. I hope that's not my fucking plate.

2:13:09 It was fucking delicious. Where I come from? Yeah. Yeah. The big one is for you but it's just bread is just never good not good and that's why i said now they're making did not help my area. Chocolate bread? and they have... I brought it and said, It was fucking tremendous. But you're supposed to get that, cut it, and then put it in the oven, And you're supposed to cut it and put butter on it.

2:15:59 What they could do with mortadella. Yet. in Vegas. Rao's? Like the famous Yes, yes. If I'm ever in Brooklyn, I'm eating at Peter Luger's. That place is great. The butter's dripping all over it the plate's coming out amazing We're coming to study how Peter Luger's making their steaks Peter Luger's is from the 1800s, I think. And they get it in one of those broilers.

2:19:07 So that's her right now, setting it up. You done? you get to stay home. You look out the window, With us, we had to wait until like 1130. Because my dad just told me to fucking die. And the snow stops. and yeah it's quite canceled you wake up the next day and there's an inch and you're like what the Pneumonia? Oh, I was getting shortness of breath.

2:21:39 And at the lung X-ray is where they fucking, No. I love a cigar. Yeah. was just bothering me. I mean, in the Weight Watchers time Yeah. I mean, you've had 60. you've had an extraordinary life, I wanted to get out I looked at it, what I needed to do. I started this journey in 1983. We earned those things. That's right in front of you. When my mother died, I had to say,

2:25:08 Yeah, it's just a coping mechanism, right? And I was, like, pissed about it, like, retarded. what your actual perspective really is. because I knew where I stand with these other people. That was Joey Criminal Days. I'm like, you're out of your mind. It's created by wild people. Then 10 years later, he signed me again. Got to be. Because in comedy, we were getting a lot of people that were essentially auditioning for sitcoms.

2:28:57 It was almost like they told you where they were from. We were trying to find our path with what we think about the world. not podcasting no more. I want to end this career Let's do the last two years. My phone. 100%. It's a magic little room. The big room is like a combination of the main room and the OR. That's why it's fucking tremendous. I want to make the best environment for developing stand-up comedy for both professionals and

2:31:43 Brian Simpson's there all the time. All the door people are doing really well. Yeah, because like a bunch of people stopped by. Pauly's killing it. Yeah. He's fun to be around. I think that's it for this. Wow. but you give him Forever. He's like a fun person Yeah, I was there. He was on fire. They sold out big arenas. They sell out in Los Angeles. They sold out a 7,000 seat theater in an hour

2:35:29 That's really crazy. Eight years ago. what can you be funny in a minute it doesn't matter if you're white or you're black or you're Bob Wilson. and I was a regular February 19th, 1997. And Scott called me, and he goes, I got a three-minute spot that opened up. Thank you for the opportunity. Seinfeld, this place is not for you. Seinfeld was too big already. She's like, nah, this

2:39:02 Like that painting that we have in the wall in here. and she was like, Or I steal something. Everything. Yeah. And now they close on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. and the fucking purple lights had me. That was my plan. were like trying to do jokes before you were like trying to do stand-up the way stand-ups do jokes. bullshit yeah golden ring yeah yeah you know i never understood writing shit that had nothing

2:42:37 Jamal. That dude was fun. Funny fucking dude, though. Yeah, that's him. You were just, it bothered you that he was so clean. Him and Dom Herrera made a habit of burying me. Right. He just knew his boundaries. And I was in the back with everybody over by the stairs. And I said that I used to date a girl and a pussy looked like Eddie Munster's teddy bear Wolfie

2:45:04 Yes. So I wanted to be somewhere in between Yeah. and going out with the towel because he goes out there It either works or it doesn't work. Let's go. That's what it's like. The greatest. You got to stop. Bring them back up again. And then leave there. Roller coaster. Fucking, Take them, take them, take them. Give them a break. Give them a break. And then bring them back up again. Bring them back up again.

2:47:36 Absolutely. Anytime you want. Open mic night. Thank you for taking Cammy I'll announce it right now. Schaub might have ratted it out.