Joe Rogan Experience #209 — Eddie Ifft Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. He tested positive for an inactive metabolite. by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. But I'm saying that's not a performance-enhancing drug. So what? A CrossFit place just opened up like 10 miles away from me. Some people say they could. crazy levels or something yeah something was wrong was just completely but so they have this new

3:34 Like there's money being made in the, you did do that by the way you can get really sick and you can get fucking mad cow disease what Hormones out of bacteria? and i was watching over and over trying to trying to comprehend it i couldn't i'm like i'm fucking just the story-wise, it was just amazing. out on the street. rather, when I heard his name.

6:02 and stuff when his trial He was at Rick Ross? it's really interesting 009 Is he pissed off about the guy stealing his identity? are so instead of going there he cut his own ears off so that they put him in the crazy ward yeah it's good it's good stand-up and then he's doing it as chopper and every joke is about like fucking great so explain how he gets to do that if Chopper is still alive. I don't know.

8:54 You should give that guy a piece. if I have to do anything. Louie will come down hard and why are you saying he's like so they have to be under so they can't be eating grass all the time that totally makes that why doesn't that happen It's just give it to pigs alright, who keeps pigs? Yeah, but that's a... Like, you go far enough out in the ocean remember that bodybuilder i was just about to bring that up chris titus yes

12:25 he was saying that he wanted to fight to come along and say These guys, they get so full of testosterone. like when you get like that big like lee haney big yeah come on man that's not human it's not If you wanted mobility, you should be doing yoga. You'd be amazed at how well some guys can move with a lot of muscle that have stretched out. athlete like he stretches everything out he doesn't just do you if you're doing olympic cleans

15:54 fran fran it would be uh a 95 pound uh thruster uh 21 times then what's a thruster how's the Yeah, you're fucking done. So it's like, what are you, five minutes and then, what's a round? switch to the next thing for a minute it's five things in in five minutes then you take a minute And he thinks that those high repetition deadlift things that get done a lot in CrossFit, he said you're not supposed to do that.

18:20 like that yeah well yeah you would love it you You're a man. It would help you tremendously. myself because i uh talking to sean waxman who's an olympic lifting like expert you know he was You know they just got up there with trickery. Dead And he fucking It was fucking pandemonium Guys have had hernias or rather aneurysms. But a lot of times in our kind of lifting, they say, hold your breath because it locks

20:52 a sudden it was like like i popped something in my head and i went fuck i'm gonna die like i really It was always meatballs and lasagna. So she lived for 12 years. He had to turn her to make sure that she didn't, you know, and sometimes she was there, and sometimes she wasn't. Newark, New Jersey. grandmother was just in a bed all the time moaning just in agony and pain and one time she says to my

23:15 It was long. It was one of those classic things. There's no will. being able to survive that, like being stripped of everything in life that you ever had. something this atrocious. It's a work camp and they're in the truck and he said they're like cattle. and you're thinking, that was like the greatest feeling in the world up is it victor hugo victor victor i don't know i can't remember his name it's called man's search

27:11 She's a partner in the biggest law firm. to envision a world some point in the future And in this movie, there's a dude named Wiener You know, I mean, this is real. He's a liberal. He's an kind of... He's a liberal. That's not why he's in trouble. the way it's coming in and how illegal you're maybe one of them is a wealthy individual is a woman Yeah, but like if you saw the guy that was financing Newt's campaign or Santorum's campaign. These are just egomaniac

30:20 went to, everybody yelled at me about America. So stop drinking Coke and I steal cable. And I can't fix it either. About how everywhere I was going, and that's a very common thing for Americans what do you want as your intro, I'd go just say I'm American and they'd go the next comedians in American and I would do it for fun I'd tell him he go what do you want is your intro I'd go just say I'm American and

32:44 like really you know who's our ally you know how are you pointing the finger at us when you you're right I just was watching yesterday. is Fukushima's meltdown, the pollution in the oceans, it is really your own reality I mean, I wouldn't say that I believe it, i can get on this laptop and i can just watch movies and I can interact with people and exchange information.

34:48 There's never going to be a time But there also could be ground one again where we start super possible and then you and you think about if we evolve from of, like, what we evolved from? There was a gang of us, different species, a lot of them that never made it, A tiny race of human beings A dwarf is the idea I think it's dwarves. There are so many different types of it

37:34 were upset about this saying like you're gonna kill our species yeah like like there's something And the only other person in the world that has it is his sister and her name's rima and uh he just looks like a Really funny. He smokes pot. That's a good CrossFit exercise. You got to palm outward and the other one inward. was like midgets and dwarves and they were two different midget comes from the

40:15 Nobody's ever gone that obsessed. understand where they're coming from that their whole whole life, because I've been with them. brilliant he steals the show that got shows goddamn is that the famous uh the famous little Nick who was on no Well, He chokes Heffron, five of the hottest girls women. Not if you're just one of those inflatable pools right the bottom of the pool was just on cement.

43:23 This is after a girl broke her jaw? If you gonna kick your ass it's on yeah you can watch it on you if you if you google eddie if uh jello wrestling you can watch so the girls So if I just start showing their titties to everybody, I win. They were beating the fuck out of me. offensive. You were just being defensive here. And she's laughing about it.

45:11 You try to finger. up her brother and uh like it was a fair fight kind of thing i beat him up we hit a fist fight her she would beat the fuck out of them she would be she beat the fuck out of steve you know steve and bigger. And she fucking double kick her well i'd kick her with my left foot and then kick her my right foot at the same time to stand right in front i just did a

47:41 nice as possible to the underclass when you donally, when you're sparring, especially with contact, like kicking and punching, someone gets knocked out. But you should never do it on purpose. It's just bullying. That's all they can. It's just bullying. There was a real aggression to it. I stomped her in the chest. I remember and then I just started beating on her.

49:28 So it was a battle, because I was in a fight with a woman, essentially. There were times in the gym where it just became all out fights. with your friends and he sounds like fight club yeah you know all their shit because we would get in these situations where a guy would come in from another school chick is screaming at me chasing after me like she's gonna like attack me after i watched her

51:37 I don't know if it was the night we did for the waitress going hey you know you need to to back off blah blah blah and so then her husband thought to myself i've never and and and what i thought take a swing at me once that's that's assault have you ever had an ex-girlfriend oh yeah i've had a couple Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was another one. I mean, just redlining it.

55:07 I would go aggro with it, right? They all need love or something. they're all broken and damaged they're all little children that just didn't get enough attention they should change the hollywood sign to daddy These people are like real issues. I go, you don't even have to do anything.'re just sitting there i go you don't have to worry who needs i'll get somebody else to rub my back don't worry about it but it was like this weird

57:39 and came back with their shoes in their hands, They fired her. I go, why are you demanding so much attention from me? Yeah, she took a swing at me, man. And I caught it, dude, you better get your fucking hand up. She's going to hit you in the face. Full swing. Yeah, full swing. Yeah, she took a swing at me, man. I go, that's assault. You're crazy. Yeah, exactly.

59:24 I had a girlfriend punch me while I was in bed sleeping. I kicked a girl. just get your shit out like I was out she was super hot she was a stripper and it was my fault i know you know like you know what are you You got to get out and I called her on the phone What you're supposed to do is have it brought to her by the blackest dude you know. I go, what the fuck?

1:01:51 grow up thinking it's okay to hit people you know i mean especially like in the household if they cunt her face like a only couple times in my life in New York I've called a girl a cunt to her face only a couple times in my life. I'm standing on the street in New York City. I'm waiting. just looked at her and I went you and as cunt was coming out it didn't even get

1:04:09 nose just an open hand like this smack just a good gorilla slap the nose i don't know what the who got killed by his wife if you can when I say just honest about it. But no one loves women more than me. My house is filled with women. other than lesbian and uh and like somebody there is a word. Whatever the word is, nobody knows it. When a guy says you hate women,

1:06:12 of mine had killed his best friend He still had the marks all over his face. He was walking up the street. I was walking down the street And he goes, what? he was always trying to pick women's sides on everything. They would yell for the hockey game and ruin everybody's night. Of course I would. He like, he like confronted me with it. He can't get laid.

1:09:21 He's a traitor. Mrs., can I sit by the fire? He's never ripped a girl's panties off or stuffed her into the corner of a couch and sweat and tell everybody else how they should think and should not behave. We've got a lot of those fans on our podcast i bet you do ona has the most there when they used Oh, that's fucking classic. and the rocky yeah it was like he goes you got real world champions you're like joe frazier who

1:12:17 Yeah. Were you playing in the theater up there? I've been to Edmonton a couple times. And it's just not recognized really in America. I mean, are they, do they have a history? really the funny thing is it's like giving someone welfare a lot of times you gotta have to drive yourself yeah you gotta I mean, that's the real story. Some of them start really young.

1:15:06 I teach them how to tap out. If you see my two-year-old and my four-year-old, The two-year-old, she favors a Fedor Emelianenko-style rear naked choke Well, it's natural. and it was about four to six feet or something i go to duck dive and you duck dive you you dip which would have been probably the smartest thing to do, or five feet and i went away from you or long? Long. And I just went, ah, and went backwards and flipped.

1:18:07 I caught a seal once accidentally. It sucks, though. Sea lions or seals? You know what's really fucked up, man? Yeah, it was in that movie Happy Feet. It was the actual March of the Penguins. Some woman got attacked and mauled. And I'm thinking, this is probably a regular occurrence. Yeah, that does look scary. That's what's weird about it. It seems like something that someone invented in a movie well that's a seal the the

1:21:05 gone down where that guy died last week that's in cape town i've gone there i went down in the cage Some guy did the odds then. place is sharky and i'm like well how sharky is it like and they're like well There's a there's a salmon feed out there i'm not fucking feeling good about this this is just they're so used to the water especially if It was so good.

1:23:29 this is the motherland in the morning man people are playing swimming running on the beach. Seven in the morning, people are playing, you're an idiot. They're like, you'll never get so much Yeah, yeah, yeah. get out of the water i'm gonna beat the fuck out of you and i was like really you're gonna beat the I've never personally had a problem ever in Australia, though,

1:25:42 And because everything's on the computer now, Are there more people surfing? BJ Penn, I think, is the one that did the CrossFit workout I haven't spoken to Dana in a couple days, who just doesn't fight as well. And he's super natural, too. know and some guys have it because of head trauma. doing on You just shut them down and break them. way you could if you get bit by the Brazilian

1:28:41 where your body your dick is but my next trip over, and I go about twice a year, Like, we have, what is it, like 300 million? I love it. atlanta i was like well you used to not only say it but you would like be on the radio station that the best in the country. There's a club called the Eddie Ift is a fine comedian. like a whole bunch of them wearing these Eddie Ift has AIDS shirts,

1:31:51 but uh but so yeah if you type in eddie if it's the first fucking thing and i like even my mom i don't fucking i do you've seen them on this you've seen them on if they've if they know who And I go, do not interrupt me. Like when I did my first Comedy Central TV show, it was Premium Blend years ago. during a TV tape. Yeah. And he had this great joke about a neighbor that actually really happened to him.

1:35:00 you know i haven't heard anything about it in years so i'm hoping he's not doing it anymore But it's more than that. It takes a lot of wind out of the sails, right? So we went to see him. We're having a great time. It was kind of funny that this guy was in the middle in college i stayed in like my 22nd floor dorm room while a fire alarm was going on like i was

1:37:38 aggressive rats and i just think there's a there's without a doubt you get a certain amount of energy Yeah, it's a great place. And you take people out of this environment like me There's that, but please, there's a real issue with why people come here. like this is like if this was a, it would be worth a billion dollars. We looked at this one house and I

1:39:53 which is 5,000 feet in Denver, There's a lot of real stuff up there. It's very rare that it happens because there's so much for them to eat up there. And I'm used to it here. Otherwise, like, Arj is there. and every every five feet someone's going arch parker and it's like they saw it's like chick get american channels yeah they do and now everybody because of the internet everybody's

1:42:53 What is that nonsense about? DVDs? Because I remember I got a multi-region DVD player What is that bullshit? Because I remember we were editing, when I made my movie, we had some cameraman overseas. What it doesn't make sense is your computer can switch back and forth but only five times? Yeah, I don't sure. Well, it makes sense that there's two different formats. I didn't agree on it. What it doesn't make sense is your computer can switch

1:44:12 all of us are going to get what Callan gets, Do you realize, okay, Japan, 1945. When people talk about doing this podcast, like, like well you guys are putting out so many podcasts like we're gonna meet at three o'clock we're all gonna sit down we're gonna smoke some weed we're And in doing so, we all acquire lots of hobbies and lots of things we get into and we're all of a kind of weird kind of mindset.

1:46:59 to hang out with it's it's amazing and i'm glad that everyone people go aren't there too many But we always do that. I mean, Ari texted me know texted me said hey i got this gig coming up i'm He forgot. Yeah. Fucking, the funniest fucking crazy dude in the world. he told three stories story you'll ever hear because he's so brazen but then the next story he told he got arrested

1:49:47 So I like a guy like that, touching your muffler. I don't want a fucking needy-ass comedian as my friend. and and it was fucking genius and it was about like that's funny like but he said to his fans of him he's like i'm not jealous of you you know i just he explained why and it was a valid he said I disagree though because I think a lot of people don't like people because it's just not their

1:52:47 you know I think when when people look when you're real successful and they look if they find He's a great guy. He lit the hash. years old just doing college starting stand-up what do i do i don't know and he'd go just be Just do that. such a massive difference between doing something that you're really passionate about, you know, that in yourself and providing something to other people that gives them this energetic reaction,

1:55:57 If you're a carpenter, you want someone to appreciate what you've done when you built this house. They just try to do well for themselves. if you make it you'll be miserable you'll end up fucked up on booze or drugs or whatever you're imagine like spending most of your time not being i don't feel that because i'm happy all the time easy it depends on how you know if you swam all the way out to the middle of the ocean you go i

1:58:43 You know, there's people that, like, cannot ever pull the trigger to jettison themselves i know i just i just had this different than other people i've reacted different and how've reacted different. And how much of it is nature? Have you seen the stuff the dude that teaches the class on happiness at Harvard? Well, this guy. Does it make you happy?

2:00:36 That's a pussy. literally is a i shouldn't even talk about this i let you say i've got to figure out how to filter You're like I want to live in a tree and I want to have a monkey and I want to have you know You know, and people say, oh, you're a hypocrite, dude. things i was just gonna say my agent in australia is the fucking greatest guy that's ever lived

2:02:59 gonna talk me down off the ledge like you just need your your your medicine told me, like Bert Kreischer told me, And he goes, fuck every day. And like when I'm claustrophobic and they locked the doors of the plane,'m like i want off this fucking plane like when that pilot flipped out i'm like i get my life he was driving back and forth from boston to new york on a regular basis and that's a long

2:05:16 find yourself on the other side somehow you know it takes two hours to drive there you just have sleep and then get wake woken up you know when they're like near the city she another pilot while they were flying oh what a commercial airliner what a dirty I'm like, I would like that. i hate that uncomfortable it was just dude don't do this don't do this right now. Jim Jeffries was on a plane that a dude died on the plane.

2:07:35 So he's dead on the plane. a plane yeah she starts to start seizureing and they go it's okay it's okay it's okay this happens and the guy was losing. fell off the back of the stage but he was that kind of comic too. You know, why not? I saw a guy do that on a golf course once. And I was like, fuck that. You pull over the side of the road. and I'll be like, I'm going to live.

2:10:43 onions on my subway. two weeks and then i would go like feel shit about myself and try to clean up and then i'd go like and it was like here and there here and there and then finally i just said And I found the Navy SEAL workout, so I started doing Navy SEAL workouts online. system with metabolic conditioning it's a combination of gymnastics learn good form which is what they try to teach you is learn the proper technique and then you

2:13:46 You want to see impossible? Where does it say? No brakes, no brakes, no rest. The guy that runs CrossFit Endurance. for 48 hours. Just wrap your head around that. No breaks. To see in a 150 mile race And then I live about 25 miles from work. and around 5.30, you are jesus christ there's there's a thing called crossfit endurance hold on listen to I want to talk about mind torture.

2:16:51 straight arm no we do a kipping pull-up but i can do 40 in a row like without even thinking can you Yeah, and then you run. No. on every push-up. a guy in our gym did it But the times are just coming down and down and down, And I think with the NFL, we talk about that on my show a lot, But, like, I got a buddy who's a CrossFitter who's a Super Bowl fucking –

2:19:50 When you go deep, when you do a deep squat, like how far down does your ass go? Dude, we need to get you to do jiu-jitsu. You know what it'll be? It's also Callan told me once. uh who's david king he goes no he goes is this his house and i go no he goes oh this because you know he was just in my house So you're ready to die for your credit cards. And when I turned the corner, he had just disappeared.

2:22:51 He's like, if you know how to use it. doing martial arts because they were worried that i was going to start using it on people a great way to blow off steam, and it's interesting. number of positions and moves and different places to go to. I don't think I've ever said, But at a certain point, I have a snap where I'm just like, that's it. I don't want to roll around.

2:24:45 I'll go another night. I'll go. good time my brother always good to see you always good to run any time you want But I'll take the night off. Talkins Hit. Oh, I get it. So you just moved one of the best clubs I'm going to rush you. and he has no idea He was just crazy. especially telling me all the love who came out to Atlanta Brian, do you know how it happened?

2:27:22 So thank you very much to everybody. That is so fucking funny. The cover of his the actual picture. that he has already prepared. The first gig in Columbus is sold out, right? We'll see you guys tomorrow. the podcast. yourself a big fat Sure. He'll take it on the road if you're really brazen. Please Google nootropics. it's 100% money-back guarantee.

2:30:02 Go to JoeRogan.net. fucking mind, but they're taking a long time to monster hearts. I don't even know what