Joe Rogan Experience #2097 — Jeff Dye Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience I was telling them before you got here that it's very rare that I've got a little nerves. Because it's such a beautiful club. It was cool to be in that. They actually made us some Comedy Mothership I was nervous when I first did stand up there, too. Like, we were all shitting our pants. store and then I was like, people would talk about the comedy store like it was Mecca.

2:46 Like, you could go to Catch. And when you got past there. Yeah. Yeah, you're like god. I need more of those like I need more like that one It's a topic that people like to laugh just at the top. Because songs are poems. writing to make yourself sound smarter The real lyric is. everybody knows who LeBron James is. What? I don't want to say his name because, you know.

5:44 And it's a gross oversimplification, but it's also just latently disrespectful. He's going to be like, what do you mean I can't? These people have no idea who you are. It doesn't seem like it should be. He's so silly. You can't write that. And that's only Harlan can do that. You will never meet anybody who doesn't like Harlan Williams. He's always like this super sweet guy.

8:06 He's such a fun guy. He's a young guy from Austin. I've never been able to predict any of this shit. Well, here's the difference. That's what he watched. I love it. He does well a lot. And they want some race hustling jokes. Oh, yeah. It seems like you're having a lot of fun. Well, first of all, you know, I'm in a place where I can do whatever I want.

10:56 city yeah it's pretty sweet it was fun to watch it's fun dude it's fun. I like seeing that more than I like seeing a lot of things in our business. and I was terrible I was a terrible like open mic-er and you want to write jokes or you tell me like I do feel a little bit of that where I'm looking for someone to, that's really fun. It doesn't, I don't want to just perform and go home. I want it to be green room and hanging. I love this. I love the stand-up part. But that's really fun.

12:16 We were already performing out here. I love that. comics like it was like we have like you know a group of humans that are really good at an art I'm like, what can we do? to be as clean as possible you should like make everything almost like a sound studio like have necessarily want that. But it would have been a problem in a slightly larger room. I was like, oh, no, really?

15:30 We're playing a club, and the club's great. But like, Brant, you're crushing. And Brant's like, that was amazing. Right. were just saying so me and brand came with like a code we're like all right this means don't worry and the crowd doesn't think you are, or vice versa, supposed to be in a theater. And then they're like, uh during covid i was like enemy number one in los angeles in a lot of ways really i'd have people

18:14 Well, I kind of saw what was going on in the beginning, Found a house, moved in August, so that quick. change also you're a weed guy we're going texas he's gonna go to texas with the weed well apparently I don't know how all that shit works, but there's a lot of weirdness when it comes to that. Don't get involved in this. And they did it. Which turned out not to be true.

20:41 There was a new machine that was invented But cotton sucks compared to hemp. Yeah. It's weird, man. But it's hard. Like oak. It's stronger than concrete. killing everybody fast food kills kills nobody I've always said the best way to driving from Boston, Randy Valerio. We're super educated now. Some people should not do any psychedelics at all. Look, it's just not me.

24:16 who stabbed her boyfriend That's a different problem. Like, what the fuck? you're in jail forever women oh, come on, dude. sometimes are angry but you don't express yourself that way right it's stupid you know my favorite And you grabbed him and everyone realized real quick I, maybe at that time it wasn't public knowledge It was amazing. They were like, fire the

26:42 and jump off buildings. We don't need security. Sucker punching works because your reaction sideways cause you're not resisting it That's what I got from that. But he wasn't ready. but like a magician would say, that's going to save you. That's so stupid. City for a month. And you're like, don't do This is the answer to the Houdini thing. it was appendicitis, Jamie, that you read that?

30:06 poison from the ruptured appendix was already It might be like it fucks your appendix It's terrifying. Bud Light. And when I'm like, oh, shit. it is to see and but every now and then someone will get really injured and when That's Weidman, and he was defending his title against Anderson, Chris said that he checked it earlier and he thinks that it like check means

32:41 think of how thin that is compared to the bones at the top. It used to be super rare. And they used to tell us, you're going to get punched. and you get to choose where you get hit you take it in the stomach and you Canelo Alvarez has a wicked liver punch. Like, your whole body shuts off. I heard, you know, if you got to pick between the face and the thing, you take the face.

35:09 Yeah, there's a lot of buttons on your face. Yes. One of the dudes, they were like, what are you going to do with the money? What's your favorite? And he's standing in the octagon with no pants on. different role i never try to make anything funny. Ever. Oh, Connors is amazing. Go for it. And he was right. You raised me. Legendary. There it is. The universe, yeah.

38:13 There's something to it. not to make conor gregor about myself but just there is a thing about yeah seeing it making it to people. It's all those things. We saw someone accomplish something and we go, But just knowing that those other people are out there in the world, you know that there's It made you think that you could get better at everything you do.

40:19 I'm not going to tell you anything you don't know. And these white people, and they're letting me sleep with them in the house. I'm never It's with Paul Newman. and she was talking to Paul Newman. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, we stole it from his house. And this is the girlfriend. They're the fun ones. or Meet Me in St. Louis or something. I don't like to watch old films

43:26 living life back then it's like living with children oh for sure like people back then Yeah, I can't do that. And we'd go, I wonder what's going on out there. i'm only thinking i want that because i got now yeah it's it's nonsense. It's like, what do you want to do? You'd get to be Joe Rogan of the chimps, I'm pretty sure. They thought you were a pussy.

45:42 They changed the carbon footprint, dude. Those ones don't get enough kind of like... Yeah. It's like priest child molester. Priests that are pedophiles, it's probably only one out of a thousand. Well, they just took over things and killed everybody. Yeah, for as long as That's what they say. Cut off your hand. When they go into the saloon and the guy's like, boys, what are you having?

48:00 He's always got a little joke for you. That's the best job in Old West is the bartender guy. That would be an issue. And I was like, I'm looking for a Norfolk experience. but she's got tattoos and a zany problem. girls get you into there was a girl that the best sexual chemistry I've ever had Jesus Christ what happened to my voice psychotic and erotic right there they're

50:21 like, oh my God, this is wild. That's a crazy person. A lot of my friends are legitimately crazy. I can't tell you how often there's some situation where I go Yeah, it is. and that guy who will bury a body for you is the kind of person you want on your team. Yeah. Just specifically for if things go sideways. this is only possible if you can get goods and services to people and if people have access to information.

53:00 Now you live in China, and you never thought that was possible. You thought The idea that that is not going to happen here is just stupid. point in time you need perspective you know don't clean your bathroom while your fucking house is on The moon is pelted, pelted by asteroids. the people in my you know the yeah governor can't even control that guy

55:51 Yeah, the asteroid goes, how about a sucker punch? educationally i don't even know there's other suns stars other stars stars are suns okay but He said, he goes, he was talking about life on other planets. So you go all the way from Earth to the sun, and now Sirius A, and then look at this one. Wait. Look, he keeps going, dude. Look at the size. This is blowing my mind.

58:29 There's us. right? When you go, that's up there all the time? at the world, like the universe like that, That's what I think. How so? I think and to get better at one-on-one competition or team competition all started from tactics and strategies in war. Yeah. Right. Because that sort of applies to society as a whole. So if someone's doing that in a very public sphere, like playing in the NFL, it excites

1:01:19 I think they would say this is probably a normal progression of territorial apes, then way that like people are embarrassed by i think sometimes it's one of the things they hate about I'll be playing video games or driving He's always talked like that. Yes. it isn't like he's Before that, oh, he turned himself into a monster initially because he was claiming that Obama was from Kenya.

1:03:36 Because I'm not an Obama guy by any means, but I remember being like, I don't care where it is. I'll say it again. Not too black. international relations that's what you should be king and that's the adverse problem with trump They were doing all these things to demonize him. At the same time, they were lying about the Hunter Biden laptop. he's got you know he's definitely got

1:05:51 Yes, exactly. I'd be like check please It's universally accepted To be in a line of cars headed somewhere in Yemen. Don't let the cousin come. I mean... There's been times where they just send a missile to that cell phone. Oh my god Yeah. See if you can find anything on that, because I was reading something about that, like that's man you're friends with josh and blah blah so i just chop it up with him i'm probably talking to

1:09:39 The two guys run away. on his phone he's got like a saved file to a stranger that he met five minutes ago. And right here it says because if they admit psychological issues, There's no way you could be able to launch missiles out of a robot in the sky It's not like it's 50-50. We could bomb his apartment building and kill a few unfortunate folks that happen to be in the vicinity, but we have to get them.

1:11:28 He's been trained to do that. Yeah yeah someone else has to make that decision I just don't think he's supposed to show people that video it was right I've seen, you know, and then what you referenced, we all, as fans, go, what is he talking about? Every day. But like, what's the percentage? oops, 400. Not, oops, by maximum estimates, 2017 It's way better than doing that.

1:13:46 Okay, here it is. Right. The human beings are created they can change direction in the air They're saying that this is not the correct quote. So here's the other problem, too, that I've been told. Supposedly. 8 out of 10. You know, like you like to think, like, give me the facts. You can look at the bones of a man and the bones of a female. we can make biological arguments that there is a male and a female.

1:17:38 and not the spirit of someone It's strange. That is absolutely insane. like that's just scientifically with the amount of data that we have about the And I don't know what parameters they have. There's a reason it's separated. Yep. That used to be me from Seattle going, hey, I don't know. fallon fox like and i was like oh maybe i have some opinions like i wait they're gonna let them

1:21:09 and then still be like wasn't chiming in like this. Sure. Right. lean into their audience Right. Thank you, baby. Why do you care? care? It's so disturbing that someone let this happen in the first place. They're both wearing white karate gis, and they're standing apart from each other. Here it is. She's just tapping. If you really think, you know,

1:24:23 would be an exciting game. that she could compete in the NBA, I would say don't let her do it. And so he's competing with teenage girls and swimming. In the presence of teenage girls. It happens one just like the found Fox thing when that happened. I was outraged Yeah. She beat her. you know free bleeding was a 4chan troll. I think it was right? Didn't it start off as a 4chan troll?

1:27:15 50-year-old's changing in front of a 16-year-old 100%. Yeah. Did you see the guy who won the LPGA tournament stop? So this dude just decides he's a woman, He had it? Yeah. It's an LPGA qualifying event. Exactly. She did win money. There you go. But don't you think it's still probably faster than the women's? She lost 15 miles per hour. I'm basically a woman now. Don't worry about it. I bet they love to say. I won the tournament just because I'm awesome. Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to say that. They love to do that. Oh my God, I've lost 15 miles an hour. I'm basically a woman now.

1:30:57 There's a lot of things with hips, like the shape of hips. density there's there's the shape of the hips i'm sure too but it's also like there's a also doing that in the UFC, you're fucking being normal and Kelsey Cook she's talking about foosball with the women because it's foosball. She goes, the men can hit it harder, the spin rate. How? it's coming from a tweet. Men have a large and

1:34:08 but they never win them. Well, a smart man would say, why do you care? Why do you care? you lose there, you're out of the tournament. and the elite male players will beat the elite female player I didn't know you're so into pool where do you play pool like I have not, but it looks very difficult. We were like, this is a different table here. How? Yeah, it's not hard to do at all.

1:36:30 So maybe there's a lot of people gambling. I thought there was a way he was fixing it to win. Look at these guys. You allowed to climb on the table? Look at this guy. snooker games, and it became a criminal Yeah. Not all of them. Say if you and I were in a match and we're two top players He said something. Yeah. of the subject might come up His lawyer said in a statement,

1:39:46 Where it's like, I'm not an old man or anything, but they used to act like nobody was gambling on football or basketball. I've seen people go fucking crazy gambling. The problem is gambling addicts because I can go and gamble, Dana White's a maniac. We went to visit him at the Red Rocks Casino, Utah State College best If it's $100, bet $100. Yes. You care so much more.

1:41:55 That's a little too down to the wire. I brought you cigars you'd see the cigars So for, uh, A few hundred bucks for these cutters, you know, it's like, what's the nicest cutters for cigars? This is wild. They probably wouldn't let you. You can't. Oh, you were about to light the side you cut. I think so. You know what used to drive me crazy? I didn't know you couldn't bring a pool cue.

1:43:53 Aha! up to two fueled lighters if Fucking never. The fucking shoe thing is so stupid. I was like, no, not you. Imagine that you have to have the president checked because he might be a terrorist secretly. hog and everything? No. their face, but you see their dick. Oh, wow. How crazy is that uh i got to see a bill burbit in real life because he was refusing the big scan around thing.

1:46:38 I'm kind of like, this is like a Bill Burr bit in real life. the machine. I don't know what it used to be. Well, cigarettes was like, you know, doctors would be like, oh, it calms your nerves. Possible health effects. millimeter, acute biological effects of irradiation are localized in the epidermal and dermal layers Yeah, maybe. I mean, I think it was just a metal detector, right?

1:49:16 So back then, when you were an x-ray technician, And then over time? So this is from 1900. Yeah. that lady where her jaw was rotted oh yeah yeah that's from radium this from girls who licked easy to offend the morning And they cut to, like, these art vendors that are out on the side of the thing. And this guy, without missing a beat, he goes, Like he went from being profound to just dropping.

1:52:30 I was thinking these poor girls, they're going, yeah, but I painted a lot of clocks. a good example is Marathon. Cool. And so then when you go in the dark, then it glows. I think it's that same radioactive shit. One of the articles I was just reading about it said that they liked it so much I was just trying to find it. I couldn't find the That's what it looks like.

1:54:53 The Marathon watch is like tactical military style watch, Yeah. If it breaks, you lick it a bunch. Big Bigfoot guy. Also, here's the thing you got to know about talking about me. Anytime I talk about Bigfoot, it ends up with me just going, Some hunters do. yeah but I do think Bigfoot existed yes there's the some insane number of Native Yeah, but they don't know for sure.

1:58:25 You know what the problem with that is? Yeah, American black bear that stands up. Yeah. Yeah, and the problem is you get something into someone's head a mythological thing whether it's a UFO or whether it's Bigfoot. I Right. But you're in the wrong might have been just a meteorite. Right. I had one joke I used to do about Bigfoot. Yeah, they're hitting a tree with a stick going, like, we're going to wait for a knockback.

2:01:00 Exactly. Me too. I'm going to spoil Wait a minute, Blair Witch like shot and it's just a bunch It's like a documentary series. out there yeah yeah they killed somebody and apparently when marijuana was you know when they were growing it up there these hippies started arming themselves yeah you know and then they had Yeah, they were. did this like what's going on maybe someone put an illegal dam on this they follow it and they find this crazy grow up with the cartel

2:04:24 And then they'll get, like, a Native American to talk about it. And he'll be like, it's the I can imagine a moment where you are in such a state is the eventual shape If that makes sense, why wouldn't I be able to also see what we used to be or what we could have been? It might exist for brief moments. There's cats out there and fucking bears. There's no hospital.

2:07:05 where you interact with things that aren't there all the time, but if it was a massive 10-foot thing, i know especially under heightened circumstances like that like in the woods your memory's weird There's Bigfoots and there's, Oh, like almost like ape-like creatures And they're on these motorcycles and this little man comes out with like a spear and then they chase it into the high grass.

2:09:36 Yeah. this so they're riding the bike you know replays itself a lot oh so I like on Right here. You're good at this. Let me it let it play again I first their first let it play Are they speaking in English? See, the thing about that the island of Flores had these creatures the lighting on it is so strange to me. Everything looks fucked up. Right. And on all these

2:12:10 But that's the... So many people have cell phones. Okay, so initially thought to be only 12,000 years ago. Yeah, how about this they found quite a few of them you're out shooting these Elks right with your bow and arrow, right? Joe, you saw a bear. So what? What if you only wounded it? And then tell everybody. I text you. Was this in America? Yeah.

2:15:10 Don't show it on camera. That's not the first time I saw this. That's why I wanted to tell you that. Like that guy looks out of his fucking mind. His doctor prescribed a new medication brisket we're gonna cook. Here's before I trim it. fuck? Yeah, that is insane. What is that guy's background? He was charged with least abuse of a corpse amongst other crimes.

2:17:29 He said, you know what? One time I saw a fist fight in Seattle, Washington at this bar. They were going to drive me around to see if I could spot him. That shook me a little bit. National Guard headquarters. now it's time to right or maybe It's because people don't want to believe that that's possible. the improv because he wants to be a successful comedian excuse me i don't know we could i could

2:20:27 And I said, my manager was sitting there listening to it. I took it as like, this is a sign. whereas like she's she to this day she's like I just can't believe you got it like he might not have any other place to go and he comes Yeah. And I was like, well, but that is the job. Yeah, but it's so tired. be like we talked about a guy last night that's like he would treat people terribly

2:23:38 yeah do you know how you feel when people are nice to you that's how they're gonna feel if you're That's so good. make people happy for a living you shouldn't be enjoying yourself like like last night hanging around the green room And we're having fun and talking. They listen to it. Yeah. Every podcast is like this we just sit down and have a good time

2:26:02 Out loud And they just totally didn't get it. a lot of comics will say um and i don't, again, won't name names, but they'll And they're the friends that are going to most relate to your life. And they don't go because they've never done the hang part. to keep going to these like meetings and stuff for like for booze yeah for the tell funny stories joe who the mothers against tell funny stories, Joe? Who? The Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

2:28:35 Yeah, but it is. a girl I like's friend Assault on your attention span. I try. be around them. It was great. called wrestling with freddie where me and freddie prince jr talk about wrestling once a week and uh I'd pay Joe Rogan whatever. and then I have a podcast called Jeff Dye's Friendship. I like it.