Joe Rogan Experience #2110001 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience Sort of. It gives people a reason to listen. you're stumbling through your words and sound like a retard yeah it's like what who is this yeah what the fuck the fear factor I'm like, you say you know all the time. i think like maybe yes you were a big like yes you autism is that's what people that are emotionless and that's it's just being diagnosed more there's arguments arguments both ways. But something's happening, and there's a lot of kids that are experiencing this sort of a disassociated behavior.

4:42 taking a shower because i'm like let me just just check this again, and the Facebook, and then Twitter. Maybe it's something. I've been watching this. breaks a hole in it you know what i mean i mean this is the world that we're living in there it's and how this didn't even exist at all just 100 years ago, yeah a board yeporg, for real. And I was reading CNN today, and that guy in, I believe it's Liberia.

7:19 Charles Taylor guy. He's one of the worst. What did he do? like a billion times in a row. We've mentioned this before, but if you haven't heard the episode, I mean, something ridiculous. And he became a Christian. Yeah, but I mean, the fact that he was able to kill and eat babies, He's good. I mean, it's just to be completely inhuman like that. that is a crazy place to live.

10:40 yeah. catholicism is nothing you're not allowed to fuck anybody no no fucking done period but i think Yeah. It's funny that everybody's like, he's I mean is he's right in a lot of ways so he has sex though he would go then there must have been a one when he was around i'm sure they're here when was gandhi around then it went a little slow for a while.

13:02 He asked like, Beautiful. he was the jackass. You're a fucking animal. Watch you find it. nancy pelosi believes in lipstick the same way she believes in government too much is never enough but he succeeded in getting his message out, The Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Not that it's any of my business, Mr. Gingrich, but why are you waiting until Tuesday to drop

15:37 Short changing of- He's on his fourth almond macaroon. Is that it? It's funny, man. I think it's because we grew up on him. I don't watch him anymore. How magical is this shit? I know, but I don't understand how he keeps it going. We're talking about his wife getting pulled over in Israel. Dude, you, your girl that you were seeing went to went to israel by herself you were saying yeah

19:17 Dead Sea no it's like some company that's there I don't know so anyway she and they thought she got questioned up and down, What? No. I don't think he knew that she was a journalist. So he just randomly looked at it, saw Palsy and Graffiti and shot it? Wow. vibrators just like I think it's okay Gay people go there. It's big city. that's where she landed tell of you I think so yeah the beaches are not dangerous by

22:44 completely different now though though, right? What is the issue? appease enough of them to give them the right amount of land and let the other ones not keep genocide i didn't even hear about it until manny gambirian i was uh doing a fight about it he it You know like Greeks and Turkish hated each other really? Yeah People there that like 25 26 like waving the like the break off

25:33 and there was this nationalistic feel for the East Coast weird when you think about how much human behavior can vary from spot to spot we have no strife in Sure, that's one of the reasons. The person who sneaks through the net and creates a whole new genre. You just want people to look at you. What do you do? That's what started it all off. Yeah, yeah.

28:20 Yeah, told her publicist. I'm still awesome. Sure. Yeah. Maybe it's Ari who can straighten the whole thing out. Yeah, Shroomfest comes to you. In Amsterdam, they made him illegal because some kids jumped out of a building or something. what a tragedy. oh, we lost a moron. Yeah. these people that get these weird um like fibers growing out of their skin have you heard of this

31:08 are really bizarre, man. describe it. That thing that goes around? in leaps and bounds throughout the U.S., the next stage of development we can't keep thinking that we're gonna stay the grew there really rapidly. And one of them, Yeah. Whoa. Somebody had to be the first person, as it slowly develops, to see through that eye. It's a pigtail. you even want to take it off it's a cat tail yeah you'd probably find some weird pride out of it but

34:35 And the cat's like, oh, not that easy. grabbed around cats are you know we're just comfortable with them because they're really tiny You guys should kill them off because I bet you got toxoplasma like a motherfucker. that was just crazy well feral cats are just wild cats. Like, how are you going to get up there? he couldn't no one could take care of him but me no one could even hold him with me and i got him

36:36 And I said, oh, that's such a crazy story. with this fucking cat he would fucking calm down so happy that I'm actually taken care of. and this was a really bad time, And he was fighting, man. Like, don't worry, is they make you learn how to take care of things you know just so you can know how to like care for In addition to running all your laps and doing everything and doing all your regular chores.

39:33 To kill Isaac. The sun. from god some retard god who couldn't fucking get his full words out so he just had to ram How crazy was he that he was about to kill his kid? You knew he was able to. Yeah, even with the same shapes of the letters ancient hebrew that they the real problem was yeah that they when they translated it to greek It's similar. The ones went to the...

43:23 hebrew was a dead language oh it was a dead language Hebrew was a dead language holy like southern talk creole it's like not quite english yeah this is a mixture of hebrew and It's mostly German. writing down how long did they have language before they actually wrote things down yeah I would say, what you guys represent, if you lived your lives, birth to death,

45:45 And they lived 100 years. Isn't that 10,000? the distance between us It's amazing. I love it. Take away the sorcery and all the other crazy stuff. Yeah, I'm sure Chinese finger traps This is a new nail. And there's a few people alive that still make them that way today. They keep flattening it and hammering it and flattening it and hammering it sort of a factory and if you're going to buy a sword this is a big machine that's going to cut

49:46 To make steel, you have to add things to it, too. They had to mine the metal. It's an alloy, technically, it says, according to Wikipedia. So I guess they had to add shit. for a long ass time too. 5,000 foot long cable made a steel and they're going to use that to suspend giant beams that weigh They figured out how to not just make it, but make it so it's big enough to pull boats.

51:57 steel cable that winch is steel cable man you get caught up in that she's gonna snap your arm off Oh, yeah, that's the little cable, stealing. Like, the first guy to actually steal cable. This is how gangster it was in 1993. everything that happened it would get, why are we doing this? whatever it is you can live off of the just that like it had streaming channels

54:15 And we went to visit that pot shop? like no i can't help but then he went outside and just gave us some yeah he couldn't sell us any so I was like, that's really, really bad for you. How about that? Here's your ID. No. This is like the second time I've ever done Adderall before. No, it makes your body all jacked up and moving. Yeah, these are awesome.

56:21 These are actually really cool. It's actually a shirt I would wear a lot. this a 2012 shirt I want to have a different wear this next year oh yeah my and he broke it down to what an hour is, to any new stuff i was just trying to just completely tighten the old stuff except this no no no no i had a thought i had a thought here's what you do what youtube video just release that

58:56 Fucking tape it from the back. But it was the Atlanta thing. And the other people who come just to come for shows, and people that work at theaters. It was the only time I've ever done a special where I didn't feel at all like, oh, shit, I'm filming right now. See if we can do Wednesday. Yeah. Your editing skills on the fly get better. I always worried about hitting a peak and then not being good anymore.

1:01:39 I think part of the commitment to your craft. i could do something rage against something yeah and'd at least feel like I could do something rage you get something yeah at least feel like stuck like there was it was really hard for everybody to get there so the show you introduced off stage like just say your name clean and you come out alone i'm like

1:03:38 it's just Joey's brought What are you doing? And it was pretty cool. I just you yeah it's gonna be so much better yeah feeling it is so much better the feeling you get when you're different, but obviously we like each other. because it works well don't you see yeah he says ridiculous shit yeah he thinks it but you say also to get fucking spastic angry fucking violent mad like relax that's just internet angry this

1:07:16 hitler okay if i had to go back in time and have a conversation with adolf hitler i wouldn't start worried about yeah i see people go back and forth and fight with people on twitter i'm like whoa Yeah, it's funny, man. I like that word, twatty. May 12th. I mean, your fans. I'll say that. So you should write down then read it later and work on the wording I'm incredibly disappointed that in on purpose just because of

1:10:20 that what you're doing it for no i'm just trying to be focused right now. Oh. Yeah, you're so busy, man. We'll show you after this. He takes it every day plenty of time how long is it not coming down sometimes nine ten twelve hours whoa jesus christ I'm sure you can overdose on it if you take too much. There was a 4 written on it. I've never even heard of that.

1:12:08 What's the come down from Adderall? Lighter dosage? it a cop told me in austin crocodile oh that's a that's a drug from um um russia yeah a lot of Like, awesome, right? Who would take this? They're so crazy. i took 20 grams and i went to the i was like what well that's why that's like drinking a Imagine if you ate a pound of mushrooms. A quarter. You took three eighths.

1:15:27 per kilogram for a rat. that doesn't kill us. Yes, but there are's a lot of shit that kills animals that doesn't kill us. They're really disgusting. that fucking rat we had a rather chewed through his tail in order to get out Why? He goes, if you live in the hills, there's just no way to avoid them. Have you seen Nutria's? That's how I found out about it too.

1:17:47 like all kinds of weird animals. Yeah, if you have the seven-inch tail. they were eroding well yeah these animals were eroding like an insane throw them in the boat and they took them back and cooked them it was really weird man it was funny how everybody was like repulsed by it like everybody that they Oh yeah It's become sort of Have you ever had that together?

1:20:17 There's a place in Denver too like all these people listening, all you guys. There's no better club in the planet. It's the same level. It's the cream of the crop as far as comedy clubs go. I'm going to book that. but isn't it weird It's good. Those kind of clubs. Just go hang out with people. Oh, yeah. Really? For that breath that I just took, that was like a lot of guys,

1:23:23 keep going the only way they can make that different is if you uh made it a private club like i belong because it's you know we've seen like why don't they have What's that one On Melrose. they were like, was so great yeah it's a full hash but people go there to write that guy came up to me a couple 06.01 It was a hard room. 29th and that'll last me till like june 30th uh but then

1:25:51 And people who think there's anything wrong with it, you're being silly. This is a drug. Because people are scared They're doing something wrong people that were rallying one way or another my problem is nobody really knows what happened the world we're animals here yeah but you know what they said well they said they were in lines later and or yeah Or you came later.

1:28:02 and there's a history of order and discipline. If I had to choose between living in Japan or But apparently, he gets crazy and throws punches at people and shit. They just let you go. and the way people I fucking love it. I think me and Brad several different countries now and it really does illuminate you you know ari and i went to brazil their shoes I don't think was just out I don't think Brazil is better than

1:30:47 doesn't happen in the future i wonder if that's even oh i don't know what do you mean what would But it was even larger than that. other day this is my my take on um um the the craziness of nuclear power was that it's only How long is nuclear power? They sell it on Amazon. Yeah. First of all, they're very small. Isn't there some kind of metal that they can almost

1:33:21 the soil they've never really had one melt down like this before let alone three melt down in one area in japan they've never had through the internet, there's lights that are on, Our entire civilization runs on an insane idea And it's how the whole country works. A lot. cool and those those those fan things are so slim that you're like what how does this do anything

1:35:42 You know those little toys you used to buy when you were a kid, Do they use nuclear power to cool it down? they had nothing to keep it powered. You see the fish things? We're going to Japan. The sushi looked great, and everybody looked healthy. Yeah. but they said And using it for a protein base essentially what's called jacobs krupsfeld's disease which is the same disease that um

1:38:29 this Jacob's crutz. 16 shop down and or make it a socialist place you should take over and feed the Definitions of free range I bet are pretty sloppy. The cats move all at once sometimes. rid of one of my cats because it just doesn't a dictionary and just slam that skull giving you their cats old people need animals yeah companionship Do you ever hope he dies?

1:41:10 Because I have a second cat and a dog, and both of them. Meanwhile, you're supposed to get rid of the other two. Kisses and attention? He picks up after himself. It does not eat its own shit. there's little crumbs of his own poop everywhere. I have this dog spray stuff for dog breaths. If I do... And then I always thought in that seven-year time, I'm like, you know what?

1:43:45 Whoa, I took so much. Disneyland. should be someone who's been going to yoga class. You should be someone who can sit down. Your body's like, no, no, get this out of me. And NN dimethyltryptamine it's not really a poison. and came back with Robert Lewis. Is he the one who wrote Alice in Wonderland? ground my legs don't work i thought as he's walking down the street my legs didn't work

1:46:52 We're the kids in America. Don't do it. to 11 grams this is crazy what was the most memorable part of it uh my hand turning into and I've never had it where my body wouldn't work. revelations every single time like the the last one i did um which was uh i did in a shitty hotel room and i did a whole friend Pamela Walt and 18 and so that's who are the people on it it's just me and pamela walt just did the we did our

1:50:01 And so now she's actually being able to function and talk to people, times in my life where i was teetering on a bad state of mind well you know i but but if you listen that should be part of your act on stage yeah that's actually i need to figure it out that's but but but I would go out and have a cigarette and I started like I had this cell phone case it had all these little diamonds on it kind of like like these little

1:52:23 happens sometimes but you got to do that within the first 30 minutes. How long into this was that? No, this is a different trip. of the sheets. and busted up this huge thing. this makes it bad things. here's my credit card information this is great I didn't do it but yeah it was it was it was a that's so cool you can do it with anybody yeah damn two's a lot yeah the next day i was wrecked yeah those are all sort of the same

1:54:51 that want to go to the bottom of the ocean. Is that the one where you... Yeah, I was like on the floor this is hilarious we figured this out later like years later there was we went to a ufc once and he was so emotional and like screaming When Terry Edom I put my head over my mouth like, oh no. that was really cool, That crowd was so crazy. Yeah brazil was insane to be able to be there right there ringside yeah

1:57:13 Portuguese it's there because I need to turn to the to the to the translator It's unfortunate that Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen because it's the biggest fight available it's just the biggest fight and then it would be in the Which probably for Chel Sonnen is fucking way better, man. And we were like, look how great this life is. where just small towns where you just get up

1:59:03 Ocean dwelling people almost always have a certain appreciation and respect for the ocean, have a higher power that make you have a higher power but some people don't want to say god so He's number one again. there's a lot of yeah you still having fun i'm not going to do it anymore and it'll just be done there'll be no trouble yeah it would be a people have access to this art form

2:02:02 it's like it really is like not is not full joke just training thinking of stuff if it wasn't for a podcast some shows you can do it anyone but he doesn't want to just like he wants to he's what he wants to encourage an itch on his face, but you don't see that because the microphone ball's in the face. but not nearly as much as I'd be if I didn't do anything.

2:03:54 cardio purposes i would do um maybe 10 to 15 minutes as a warm-up at a normal reasonable pace high up. It's so hard, And the beautiful thing is you don't get injured on those. Really? No, no, no, I'm not. the same doctor do the other one one. He's really good. He fixed my right knee, and he fixed the meniscus in my left knee. That's what you need, because one of the things that happened

2:06:31 By the way, I was only 30 at the time. And she's like, you're going to continue to injure this knee. Are you telling me that'm not asking you for this and i go i don't see where this is like that big of an issue and she's like you're going to continue to injure this knee and are you're telling me that it's See first of all Those body weight squats, you go all the way down,

2:07:53 You know, you're doing like 200 of them. they're they're the coordination or they're exhausted or old people fall they break their Yeah, your bone density. what was the other guy's name that old look at this photo this guy see if you The guy was fucking enormous. Fuck. you get older especially because that's when your bones start to get brittle and fragile so

2:10:29 by the way because the guy If he just lifted weights, or a guy like, say, Steve Maxwell. Steve Maxwell is the guy who teaches me kettle bells and comes over like a couple times a He's a master dude. Like, he has a whole series, a DVD series, all on joint mobility and how important it is to stretch. Right between our legs. and don't do shit for a few months, your body will turn to a sack of shit like that.

2:12:38 Yeah, they don't want you elevating your temperature or your blood pressure, you gotta do this this festival next year which festival moon tower moon tower the austin one did San Francisco. Yeah. because how many people Yes. six months after And then you'd have to pay the bands. but there's like we have like 30 people that we use all the time and just in

2:15:37 big enough thing that like there's just people that want to hang out for a weekend like a party But then what? But it'd be kind of fun. it in pasadena one year maybe we try it this year in Pasadena that's what you do you do it here yeah another you don't have to pay for hotels that we know that are great comics so it's both profitable for guys and and it looks like it's fun.

2:17:24 So while the people are waiting in line, as they're going in, we'll be doing the podcast They show the podcast. and then make it a different state, outside stages. I don't think you could do that. and it's in a park. Oh yeah, So a lot of my friends would sit there And I was just like, imagine if it was something like that, have to make sure that we could safely get all the

2:20:01 people like that I think I think we advertise to our own people we advertise to everybody who follows me on Twitter and everybody who People can get there. And there's two rooms there. So many nutty people have been showing up at the Ice House I want some Jew dick what's up she by herself. Well, how did it end? A lot of people come by themselves that are very nice, but occasionally, it's a sign of

2:21:54 yeah and she comes to a show by herself that girl's a freak almost night that means she's They call their shit the Gathering of the Juggalos. Oh, yeah. There's no primates. That would be easy to put up. I don't know how they would do that. They would take up the entire stage. Yeah, do like 15 or 20 minutes at the end or 30 minutes or 40 minutes. Because she has a better anyway, man. The acoustic shit they did on my podcast was brilliant. Yeah, do like 15 or 20 minutes at the end

2:23:39 get Chrysler and Diaz to do it. That's exactly what I was about to say. Question and answer. 1969. You know what happened. No matter what the argument, well, I just know. person as a handicap person no it's because I don't know how to do it one Is that what it is? no i would say none of them what's right now come on brennan walsh doesn't want it to be in his name

2:26:22 It's like he really, nobody gave a shit about it anymore. he wanted to do it Well, on this podcast. No. So he had been doing all this podcasting and spending all this time developing this sort ellis had two podcasts but yeah well mark ellis is not a famous comedian you know freddie lockhart is he has a channel and you know it's the death squad channel and then everybody else's podcast is

2:28:51 Lockhart. I'm going to start listening to Brendan Walsh they're like how much of this do i have to sit through before you don't don't listen to it do And for a lot of these other guys, they're building equity into the Death Squad name. So what are you trying to say? it works for everyone. It'd be nice if it was a way That's what got them. I don't mind it.

2:31:10 the biggest thing i want to stress though is the reason why it's done as a group is is is also podcast at your house this is like a tv show network where each one of these shows are like going to have all the the the naughty shows and it's going to have an rss feed which you can do So anyways, but each one of these pages, for everything i mean there's like there's like there's like shows like i love esther to death

2:33:51 super quiet. let me hear it. people don't know that that yeah i'm on these podcasts because i'm fucking producing them i is to do joey's podcast ari's podcast but they don't want that podcast to put it on a page the real reason to do a podcast All these people that I'm doing all these shows So you wouldn't consider him being on the Death Squad? There's a bunch of them.

2:36:01 There's a big difference between having someone on as a guest It's your own network. on that Death Squad, yes. That's a normal thing, Joe. site. You don't feel this at all? It's all the people Except for the Janans. They're friends of mine. What is the question? Tagging all the people that were hanging out together in that group. he was the one who ran with it because he thought it was hilarious there's obviously some heat here

2:38:35 The podcast network is called Death Squad. I'm just saying if it really was DeskWad, you would have Ari on that page. What does that mean, Brian? I can't believe that you don't see a little bit of a side of this. Listen for a second. He's getting upset that I'm using you for a second. It should be, if you're going to call something Death Squad, How about I'll choose?

2:40:40 Tell me how I'm not. I don't like arguments when you're... That's not true. You can't do this. He cornered Brian. All right. out there because he was offered to come out there You know, like they do advertising the promotions You don't pay your comics. some cash I you know I spread it out I'll tell you this people been grumbling People are saying it. People are pissed.

2:43:42 You don't get paid until when? So what my average usually is, But I give out so many free tickets that it's usually what paper does. tickets. That's putting people on the desk. This is how you avoid all this forever be infallibly generous oh yeah be generous to the point where they can't infallibly do it to No, no, no. You know what? You should be paid.

2:46:02 We're like brothers, okay? like they're attacking you is because like well you should I think there's good in having those shows there. You should, that's easy. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. He blindsided me. Okay, hold on. It's a separate argument. No, no, no. Listen, we're going to end this part. I like the way you think. And they are our first

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