Joe Rogan Experience #212 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 It's a Joe Rogan experience. Yeah, he gave me a shout out. He's in there too. He's in the beginning. and he's one of those kids, he's only like 22. sort of their comprehensive understanding. Dude, he just goes quiet. Very unusual kid. hit. He's kind of a genius. So most of what learning is, is just getting out of your own way before you can even learn anything,

3:03 It'll take you five more years to learn 5% of all the Spanish words, but you'll only learn, you'll only understand 98% of Spanish. somebody else put on you, you don you. That's actually not true. there's a difference to the style of kicking. But we couldn't teach them how to do it. And because practicing, actually the way to get good at something obviously is to practice what you're not good at, what makes you uncomfortable.

5:35 what you don't come in with it so much of learning is actually not an addition a process of addition I bring it back to writing a joke. I got to do this work. issues are very it's a very touchy issue for a lot of people because most people that's the It's not fun. coming up with ideas? Whether you're an an entrepreneur whether you're a writer whether you're a painter even if you're an athlete i mean you

8:32 And when you get good at it, You see the left coming. You don't know what he's going to do. I just want to see if I can do it. You don't know what he's doing. I get tattooed. I am a Republican. And then you don't have room to create because that's what I'm talking about. Ustream has been weird with browsers. Like a lot of people are saying like the sound

11:33 Well, I look like a professional soccer player. It's called Man Class. Why Man Class? I'm doing fucking kettlebells. I think women, you got to let chicks be chicks. recently we've had to fight and hunt for our own food you know how much you know think about what I don't want to brag, like stones, spears, and whatever the fuck it is. They just have an instinct to preen.

14:47 you see a dude like like i always make this joke but it's true if you're in boston or parts of fucking hungry so you're not my hunting party so i'm gonna beat you up because you represent hunger like like a leather when you say hoop earrings how big are these hoops they were very big I had two piercings. and then I'm like, oh, this is so stupid. I'm like, oh, shit.

17:12 who grew up like on a farm. That's all he'd have to ask me. Or one i i had a goatee i grew a mustache a little awesome There is something weird about when you really try hard to change your image. it. Joey Diaz could start wearing jumpsuits. like he's got me in a hat i have a hat a fucking necklace and a blazer and by the way i looked Who wants to watch a comedian

19:36 There's like a style to it You can do that Was this like an open mic night? And Dove's like, you're just going to ask me what time it is? of it but it's a like a fanny pack that instead of having it around your crotch it's like this Because I have a lot of shit. What is the song you're singing? I've seen Springsteen, let's call it, because I'm on the podcast and I want to exaggerate

22:06 They're just singing the same thing. I was watching him and, something the dude and it's because what motivates him is way more than than his own appetites and And the intense connection that Springsteen has to his fans. Sam Shepard was writing plays based on that album, but I know brilliant disguise that that's, She was really hot, so she pretended to be something,

24:21 Like, Backstreet's is about this. and that was their biggest hit. he was on the cover of Newsweek And Steve Van Zandt was like, which was kind of exciting. and he's just we had warrior was a good movie yeah that movie did not get nearly enough respect it Like, literally, there's like, what else do you want, guys? of a lot of fighters grew up you know in in dire straits as youngsters from some asshole father

27:12 What a bad motherfucker he is. This is the guy who wrote it. I'll tell you what, he nailed that movie, because that's a tired genre. For a while, it was the number one DVD in the country. two days in a row, It's too hard. It happens all the time in Taekwondo wrestling. No way. It happens all the time. And at the end of the third round, he couldn't believe the fight was over.

29:22 I believe he lost the decision. i've i've gotten so used to watching people beat the fuck out of each other on a high level like I don't think it's used enough. I've had conversations with dudes. that's silly. is you take yourself completely out of the equation. not not saying well i would have done something different you're always very careful about that

32:14 When he shoots the double and can't handle that 2-3. By the time he was in college, he had 24 pro fights as a boxer. But he knows the game that well. Maybe the guy would wind up being an awesome commentator. He was a writer who wrote a novel. He goes, yeah, I read it. He's got a lot of free time. of how it would be in a movie, like stunt guys in a movie set,

34:41 they don't even think about it doesn't even pop in their head. But if the guy knows that much, Tell the UFC. He's great. I enjoy his company. He's a great play-by-play guy, man. He's so unbelievable at coming up with one premise and just being fucking hilarious. I'm like, like I said, do you ever do stand up? He does the podcast, which is stand up in front of an audience.

36:26 at the Irvine Improv Well, I felt like, it's not even that, it's I felt like Meanwhile, I get there. Nah. they own it right like he'll be like hey what's up with your hair he prompts you and then you go I just did Comedy Central's mashup It's called the wolf whisperer. because yesterday I just did a fucking whole stand-up. Nothing. No, because I didn't want it to die of dryness, and I had to sit on its blowhole and kill it. No, because I didn't want it

38:57 is a little bit different. What the fuck did he just say? I'm highly educated. Yeah. to be that way as a kid i had to blend in with my move moved every two years very unique i mean I would be like, I really love her. We could never really get away with lying to each other. But with you, you had a totally different kind of crazy. You get stuck. He had a few of them, man, where he would bring over like it was like Joe Lewis' bum of the month club.

41:54 Yeah, she comes over, and I go, that chick looks like she needs a bunch of naps. He's got his PhD. that looks the part on the front of a sailboat. No, you don't. No, no you don't why were you trying to construct that that sort of a a really non-realistic reality though all the time i don't know because it wasn't like it was It was you, you know, for whatever reason, would wind up getting connected to the crazy girl.

44:10 legit meth heads right you were hanging around with like scary people that were like I don't know You never want to do that shit. talk show i gotta get him on my fucking- Yeah, you get him Can I go on with your dad? Because he's been I don't know. and you want to be able I don't want to talk to her. Everything I call him everyday In the rabbit hole

46:11 Anything, huh? How about this? how you doing i go i'm good and he goes all right man uh i'm just gonna say he says a couple words I'm 71 years old. He knows your whole fucking life. So you almost, well, there was a self-destructive aspect to you that always disturbed me being your friend. yeah um and i i think a lot of that self-sabotage we all go through that stuff you go through it

48:30 when I had issues, when I had unresolved things in my mind, as honest as is humanly possible, I want to stay as undiluted as I can everything about him said, it's already in there. I just had to get all this shit out of the way. And he said, that's how and as somebody who writes and stuff, that's, that's all I think about now. You know, what is So I got to be a fucking, I got to be her hero.

52:07 distinction. This notion that, see, a lot of people come and say, well, I'm missing something. You've got to let some stuff go. That's a very, that constantly bugs you. Yeah, well, watch when people go into a room. It's a real dangerous thing about human beings that we operate in patterns. Do you know about all that? wow yeah i mean how did that pattern get going history history is riddled with those kinds of

56:16 him eat his own ears wow they made him on duane rock johnson he was a you know a bad guy and they very brutal way of coming to power. Oh, my God. about a king or an emperor who hired someone to keep his concubines in line. So what the guy did They moved to the left but a couple of them moved to the right and some of them don't do anything and everybody.

58:52 They knew that if you want to run shit. The Romans basically, in this book Extreme Fear, things that's interesting about that way of ruling, which was always by the sword and with in England, where the king actually had to start listening to the parliament. But it was such a if you talk to political philosophy, of amazing. And it's such a radical difference. Like, that is how you control people. It is how

1:02:04 You know why? They were amazing. They had a little bit of a different thing, though. certain aspects of technology. Mike Swick, uh, you know, Mike, the guy out of San Jose, They had never seen anything like it. Remember, they stole from the Rosenbergs. But having said that. Check your X-Flex. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? couldn't fly as high or as fast.

1:05:22 went what is it 180 times faster than the speed of sound, Brian? It's a drone right now. I mean, robotics. Yeah. Yeah, they with huge thumb muscles. It's a hypersonic glider. video games are responsible. After learning a little bit Fucking gun video games happened he was shooting kids in the head as they were running and catching them in headshots Like if they have better hand-eye coordination?

1:08:10 enough to fly from New York to Los Angeles My fucking God. Actually, 13,000. I think what they're saying is at 13,000 miles an hour, the skin peeled off of it. Well, it couldn't make it because it burnt And you could use it to get to the moon, no problem. Well, we're going to have to because we're going to run out of fucking oil. It's a dishwasher.

1:10:10 This is like you and I going to buy a game bread pit bull, remember? You should get a fun car. They're fun. It takes five minutes. Get a goddamn Dodge SRT8 Challenger. I was in it yesterday. He wants a giant V8. Oh, the SRT8 racing package. and then the new ones they're coming out with new ones that have 650 horsepower mine Mine has 550, and it's ridiculous. 550.

1:12:29 And when you hit the gas, it goes. They should have made. It's a beautiful car. Not even a regular BMW, if you take it on a track. tried to keep up with him or he no he had to keep up with the guy in the prius that's all he had to do and the bmw it was much easier for the bmw to keep up like a really easy like a for the bmw an That's what I'm talking about.

1:13:59 I love a joke that's irrational. I might. Chrysler makes solid cars, man. to party it's fun yeah you fun Yeah You don't have to drive And I was like But you can too yeah but even if you don't you know i, I think the modern transmissions. You love cars, dude. and I'm like, who the fuck? It means the back rear tires act on one giant axle as opposed to a much more modern car like the Porsche has active independent suspension.

1:16:27 It can corner. fun. It's pure fun to hear on the like something that's pure fun yeah it's pure fun goes sir your Prius ready I go my what is ready sir, your Prius is ready. I go, my what is ready? He goes, I was like, Those challengers are so sexy. It's a great looking car. Yeah. The RT, SRT. Yeah. It's a really good looking car. That's what fucking Dove has when he has the racing one. Yeah, the RT, SRT.

1:18:21 And if you compare like the really old ones, like the 1967, 69 Camaros, Some dude drove by me. I think. Are you crazy? not that you're conflicted as a family man. because I drive it like an asshole. That's the car that my car, that rides car, should have been. Going like 70 miles an hour What? drive and it actually has real brakes abs brakes it's got a real you know traction management

1:20:55 I made some money on it, yeah. Ultimately, it really is about having fun. What is it? No, I definitely could. passion. It's about having fun in your fucking life. It's slowly sinking you I had a guy, I was like, what a fucking great thing to do literally They know you're a nice guy, and nice people are attracted to that. I was in Toronto and yuck yucks.

1:23:45 Oh, Craig Glazer? He's the greatest. taken she was really pretty yeah but this tattoo was just like this giant like warning sign this there's Man class. It's so stupid. Yeah, I wanted them to. I wanted to, but we were like, fuck it. know we just had that so creepy looking yeah you look like He was just sitting on the curb, actually. Yeah, maybe not.

1:26:48 man. He's a natural 260. really? Like, how ballsy is this guy? And then all of a sudden he caught Fedor in the triangle and I was like it. My eyes went up. I was like, really? Like, how ballsy is this guy? Like, why would you think that you could get locked up by this dude? Probably the best heavyweight guard in MMA. Against high-level guys. Frank Mayer's a solid 260 now.

1:28:29 There was an anti-inflammatory, and it had testosterone in it. No, horse meat. Yeah. alistair over him good is that he can fight his fucking ass off. He's a scary fighter. When he kicked him in the body, you saw that shin kick to the liver. taking on a K-1 Grand Prix champion. It's so impressive. The Dutch guys are so technical. And Kane can also. No, I think that was after.

1:31:35 And then he realized that he had to back out because of diverticulitis. Yeah. It's super duper dangerous. a damaged area that's never going to quite fully jujitsu this is like literally 12 years ago and i was watching him roundhouse kick this bag and i You know, they'd do a round, but they wouldn't throw everything full blast boss would throw every punch every kick a hundred

1:33:54 He'd do a minute and 10 seconds, a minute and 20 seconds. middle of their career when they're high level like all of a sudden they can't throw a baseball over a plate yet they're the best pitcher you know and it's because what And they talk about how a lot of athletes and a lot of people in general, you don't have a dragon to slay that's when you're really fucked and that's what happens to a lot of

1:36:05 But you've got to realize that successful people, all successful people, have self-doubt. anyway take the first fucking step right that's what you see with this and one of the things i going to be found out. They feel generally like they're frauds. Like they just got there by if you're good at it You're faking this whole thing. Well, I couldn't watch my one-hour special.

1:38:13 You could really fuck your head up. The audience is going crazy. My God, is it dated. He holds up. He's still around. Yeah, he's still Fucking Don Rickles. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. He holds up. Yeah, he's a good Twitter. The man clutched his chest. That would be amazing. Yeah, he's got good tweets. Don Rickles is a monster. Get him on a podcast. That'd be amazing.

1:39:42 somewhere along the line to not Joan Rivers is not Don Rickles. A puma. 75 years old. And I'm looking at her face. I sit down, I look up, and there's some Joan Rivers reality show. But when she's moving, it's all stuffed out there with fillers and stuff that keep your skin from looking wrinkly. What happens to you when you worship false gods? Yeah, but you look at Don Rickles, you're like, there's a guy.

1:41:53 With the nose. Yeah, but I think that's one of those people that I think is driven by a hole they can never fill, right? entertaining enough for me I don't know I'm sure it's good I've heard really Oh, my God. You know that. the girl has to be well-dressed, That's actually pretty funny. A girl, you're 30 years old funny right you're not married you're an old maid a man he's 90 years old he's not married he's a catch

1:44:17 We'll say he's quiet. Sitting around my mother's house, 21, 22, 24, When I was 21, my mother said, only a dime. Yeah, I would love to have her on a podcast. Oh, fuck yeah. I see the, I love i mean look i love certain It's rare. when she's on stage, They work. who's genuine. We did it in every town. I'm like, how the fuck do I not know about this guy?

1:47:39 I'm just going to talk, and he's fucking hilarious. supposed to ever say midget apparently you ever see that fucking uh the the office the british Have you seen those people that they found that lived 10,000 years ago that really were How do you not know about this? It's like the pygmies of the Congo. Like sometimes I'll go, holy shit, pygmies are out there.

1:49:05 Maybe if there's not a lot of food, the ones that survive were smaller. Small people. That guy over there. How crazy is that Yeah apparently The depiction He could be at the helm of some British band. skin they don't know what it was we've never seen this thing before some new thing that this is the How about a boa constrictor that eats crocodiles? That's the fucking craziest thing in the world.

1:51:24 And that's the thing that Yeah. And I Oh, my God. with crocodiles in a fucking kayak nah nah. Nah. I'll go rock climbing. It's a man creature with six, seven times the upper body strength As it was trying that the crocodile I don't want to die by biting all over crazy One of them was a guy that was in, they were training for a triathlon, and so they were

1:53:54 He was bodyboarding. you had to choose one animal to die by what would it be I would say a big cat because they kill you quick. It's like being choked. I asked Chris D'Elia I don't care, If you guys want it, it's called the10minutepodcast.com. The music starts in a minute. Will and I said, it. I don't know. I believe it. and all the weight of all the people,

1:56:20 because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem for a thousand reasons. Look what we've done to the environment as it stands just by living. human being, life on planet Earth would probably carry on really, really well. Yeah. and they'll keep doing that, I don't know for how long, And then we're going to Google when you brain your wife 2,900 annually. What? That's the that's as many people was killed

1:59:17 And they'll crush you. There's a photo of a guy running in Africa. Comes out of the Amazon Is actually an instinct Because that's a primal fear for us Oh that's hilarious Is this the new Ace Ventura A new Dumb and Dumber, right? overdosed on pussy. you know what very people few people have ever had to run for their lives and that's that's you Literally, I was like, yeah.

2:02:19 The trainer, he's got a ponytail and a fucking, you know, Oh, my God. What is that picture? That's what it's doing. bit the lion in the head at africa africa has always fascinated me because out of all the really places on earth where there's Ostriches kick the shit out of you. With like three abdomens You kill the wasp from the nearest hospital. Yeah,

2:04:41 if you go back, Jesus Christ. They'll kill 30,000 bees. Yep. Well, because they send a scout in. It's like all of us hanging out having tea and helicopter gunships come in and just go. and grabbing another one and biting your head off. If you see movies with giants in them, you got to wonder like, I wonder what the Why can't it work? That made me scared.

2:06:53 honey badger and a lion Whatever, man. And then he said the craziest trick of all is if I really did it. going beyond the physical do you think it would be possible for him to like swallow a oxygen container and then have a tube coming he tried into his mouth That's so crazy. to make people feel good. because he wouldn't like Wow. They're great. he's just a really

2:09:57 And a lot of times they did it wrong. But it would ruin Why is that entertainment Always obsessed he can talk and speak his mind. Yeah, he's always been obsessed. Yeah, I would imagine. I hope when he's here, ask him to show you. It's a weird way to make a living. He just didn't leave me a message. You could probably make that kid disappear if it doesn't work out.

2:12:48 of Blaine as workers cut away the ice. because doctors feared he might be going into shock. That's so nuts. That was in London, right? It's so ridiculous. Maybe he's just really getting into acting or something. drag to me is the traveling or if my health started to fail for some reason i didn't You're right. Well, that's what they were trying to do with this crazy fucking rocket.

2:15:49 precision. when he was talking about the drone. Oh, sorry we were spying on you and he's been in Iraq for a long time and Afghanistan and stuff. I'm telling you, I was so enlightened. I follow politics I follow this guy live well he just got back from It was such a schooling though for me like as far as like any kind of conspiracy theory he was saying look he goes

2:17:56 soon before you know it there's a company making fucking a hundred grand just for importing sand oh just one example The business and everything else becomes enmeshed in this massive effort. i said why he said i said why would they why would they keep him there why would they protect him he All those people over there, the Pakistani conspiracy, So had they spread the money around

2:20:36 how is that not We knew the Pakistanis were shielding them. The way we found them you know we found them was through dna but when somebody would go to a hospital whatever, if they did have them, What a surprise. How many do you think the individuals are making more than 25 million? But I don't know how they found him. try keeping a secret in washington try impossible pretty easy to keep a secret in pakistan so i

2:22:48 with that intelligence service 25 million in Miami most people knew here's your money stupid the US government one of his wives or something crazy? So standard operating procedures put a bullet in his fucking head. if somehow they could take him, sent it back to the white house. They were all, they put a hole in his head yeah they were all watching it

2:24:36 whatever they call it was there and it was probably osama bin laden and obama had to go home alone and Supposedly. it's classified, so. for conspiracy theorists When Photoshop 16 comes out because it's going to be indetectable. never said it he just shook all their hands and thanked you mean obama yeah you said osama i'm And they're like, this is a cover-up because of Osama bin Laden.

2:26:26 Well, it sounds like it was so much a conspiracy. They'll fucking kill you. Did you ever hear those? thought he was in waziristan They will fuck you up. He's the guy who used to fight four guys. For no reason? They were running down an alley, four guys. and he goes, I'm going to fight him. Just fucking started swinging and kicking. It was, you know,

2:28:58 He told me it's the only time You ever seen him before? the kind of conditioning that's required to be a five round fighter and how intense and It takes a long fucking time to build up to it. respect mma fighters enough as far as the amount of discipline that it's required to to be in I was just seeing vet bills. and put his knees on both their heads and just held them there. And, and, and finally they let

2:32:28 Wow. Well, that's like this book Extreme Fear like a knife or like something, When you get in a fight with a real animal. shoes out of it man their skin is so tough you don't make nobody makes skin out of human right of them killed my dog that really did happen like i was telling them like why do you allow mountain and they make a bunch but I love mountain lions.

2:34:23 Fuck those mountain lions. I'm pro mountain lion, The guy told me it's an interesting thing it's an interesting question because i i personally think all animals It's in the Amazon when people take ayahuasca, you know, that crazy jungle intoxicant. that they were trying to eat him which i don't know but he goes these people parts of the world actually ever meet like africans in this country they all have like six degrees like nigerians find me a nigerian who doesn't have

2:37:15 So optimistic about the progress of Liberia, not about Afghanistan. worked out but they are they are being worked out why not the middle east but the middle east Traditionally in the Middle East, the only way you did do that was by imposing an iron fist, I think economic prosperity. or the worry is that they're going to impose Sharia or something like that.

2:40:16 inevitable thing that they have to come to terms with. And when I say democracy, I mean are not being manipulated by an imperialistic power. They're not being manipulated by another Arab country. These are homegrown grassroots rebellions that are very difficult to ignore. That's my hope anyway. I agree with you in government. Then you have the problem with private prisons.

2:42:49 We're going to have to close this thing down. I never have a bad time. I got some great guests. Yeah, baby. 10-Minute Podcast with Chris D'Elia and Will Sassa. It's just... Right. And it is the day before there is a UFC in New Jersey, save yourself 15% off. all of your questions can be answered and we'll let you know what's going down. I think I have to do his.

2:45:39 So that's it. Yes. I see a lot of you have opinions, and it's nice that you care. uh so i gave him a tour of the studio which i usually don't do but what's cool about this guy yeah great Come on. Is that what I have to get? And they're fucking American. I knew you'd come around. See you guys in New York.