Joe Rogan Experience #2124 — Dave Attell & Ian Fidance Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Thanks for coming to town. It means a lot. It's a stroke fest. It's weird when you I'm sure you have this where a fan comes up to you and they repeat one of your most horrific jokes, you know, I've known you for at least 30 years. How old are you? Yeah, but you never were like this. I mean like you never know I never let myself go yeah

2:53 What would he do in the age of ozempic? What do you think? Particular diet because I think diets are different for every person some people vegetarian vegan. They're fine some people they fall apart I'm not flayin a xylitol. I That you would have to talk to like endurance athletes about that You're driving through like a zombie horde. You know it's like

5:35 Oh yeah. So you gotta like yell and everything. And this guy, this guy called me on a bad one. For you, sir. I'm wrong so he climbed out smacked your coffee Oh, yeah, and I spit in his face and wow he's he right and then I got I went down French so that was a terrible French accent I didn't get that at all I didn't get that at all on that one This guy I knew from Malaysia.

7:54 Oh, you could probably survive the spear dipped in shit before you could survive the poison My plane was delayed and I hadn't had a coffee in 12 hours. I got that weird headache There's only one airport where you can smoke and that's Vegas. I think is that the only one that it has that weird It's all the same air! Just have like it's kind of like a retro kind of a look how cool I am you know well

10:30 Yeah. It's like, hi! Are you gonna live forever? Mm. People just like, in their own like world. the same thing yeah I come in and explain that on the podcast once he And is that methadone is just as bad if not worse for you really I don't think it's good for you You know, just like, excellence in out to lunch It's pretty clear that there's an association, says Dr. Jeffrey Harris, an ear specialist,

14:43 I think he was up to like, I think he was up to like I think he was in the 90s But it's I think it's a thing We're so different. What else like a bunch of different species is all smushed up together Like I was conscious when I got my knee operated on so they basically paralyzed me below the waist. Wow, that's scary Couldn't you just watch it later?

17:21 And you didn't feel any panic? It was fucked. I didn't have an ACL It's crazy. When hear the the bone crunching because the the fucking screw is going into it over 2000 plus painkillers in his in his system or on a What a nightmare the thing you love feeling good, dude But she exposed the whole thing where they don't have a database Mr. Black said, I love how he says that just that way.

20:56 for years and years and years. Oh, we'll write your prescription for drugs and you go right next door to the pharmacy that only sells And the pharmaceutical drug companies knew it, so they just kept selling it. No, but I like the parking lot did you see in the documentary they're like the most like vagrant like just like redneck chainsaws for pills and then they would take those goods from Home Depot and like sell them back to make more money to buy pills

23:29 The United States troops were guarding poppy fields. Like oh, makes sense. They were fucking selling heroin. The whole thing is such a fucking charade We provide them security providing them resources and we're providing them alternatives and the alternatives But in actual Vietnam, they don't make heroin. It's Laos, right? Yeah, it's it's a trade routes. So there you go

26:43 all this extra money being made here that you're not getting a piece of right if there's little bit of that way It's got legs. Sexy and dance white yeah ours is are you a child miss sexy and dance like what yeah drag queens are fun American comedy over there they will fucking put you in the ground if you I'm kidding, but you know, that's the thing,

29:34 The government the government owns the businesses are all together. You're all part of it She looks good. They're trying to get more control out of you. Yeah, I've done Australia. I love Australia. are paying attention to people that aren't lying and they realize like oh No. Like the study that you took of what kind of people Canadians are at a whole.

32:37 It's so cold out there To stay alive like it makes for better people it makes for more resilient people people are better when they know how to put on snow tires He's from Delaware, so I assume that's like a handshake. and like, you know, you went up and you put a dollar Because I wasn't gonna go to Costa Rica with them I went with my family and we went on a crocodile tour.

34:49 Yes, it is French term used for Cajun country CCR term. Yeah They're under us they're in the fight you're in the boat and I'm like this is such a bad idea and all my father Oh, they're sharks down there. I heard I think you love to take like one a year or something like that, but people go fishing for bull sharks The problem is it's not just we mean we the human race where we've depleted the ocean by something around

37:52 almost all of the different shark attacks out there. They like to bump and I don't know, but I'm not you wouldn't go I would go That's amazing. They made it all the way up into the rivers, and they started killing things Yeah, they have like YouTube fishing channels People have it in their head like oh you shouldn't kill sharks, right? 1937 sparked a fisherman's tail from 1937 sparked the researchers interest in Bull sharks with

41:56 I think sharks eat each other yeah sure yeah An altar. But like just, you put little robes on them and it it's like, hey, what do you guys think about, You really are so selfish. No, I think they kind of like just know like three things. in their wills. Some species yes, 75 to 100 years. Oh wow You could hunt wild meat in Central Park so when people go out

45:21 What about squirrel that used to be like a frontiersman? Hey, I shot some squirrel Cute I saw a raccoon in front of the Chelsea Hotel I was thinking about that the other day. There's a movie like it was like a horror movie in the 80s about a gator that was living down in the sewers and like that got hit with like a hurricane or tornado or some shit. It was like a horror movie. Yeah,

48:10 Did you see that video that guy jumping off the cruise ship and they videotape and he just disappears into the night? The lack of sunlight creates a blind albino gator. That's pretty good, and they eat the rats right none from sewers Yeah, he's trying to fuck that guy up in an apartment. What about the neighbors? near the park. No, the action. at night, because he's owls, you know, they're night people, so it's just just like fluent somebody's building and killed himself, you know, but I thought they fly good at night

51:46 But that's like we drive through Nebraska and like all sudden like weird shit starts hitting your windshield It's something really nutty wait if you can see this leave this locust swarm check this out Open your mouth a lot of bugs density dependent so it's like it's something about the population that Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, well. When they come out, it's just like, they're annoying.

54:53 trillions Come out or emerge every year. I guess this is what the world economic forum wants us to eat Mmm, really crickets maddening crickets Wow. They're small, most are shorter than the length Yeah, we serve them a fear factor. My Filipino friends are like get the fuck out of here. Eat that easy Don't remember if I tried that I don't think that sounds like a really good treat for like a dog like hey

58:31 Yeah, I'm trying to help these people. Yeah, that's a weird moment being on TV trying to eat a dick I'll try anything, but I definitely have my comforts that I go back to. And there's a lot of, you know, mortgage and you're walking down the street. They just see all that. The only place I think almost as So crazy, but yeah that that's just that that street man is very

1:01:03 Yeah, with the immigrant thing oh Look at look at like the bus station here like just outside is just never been more mango and candy beings It's the dumbest fucking thing it's happening right in front of everybody's face. What do we do? You can ask where you want to go they give you money to give you a cell phone and the thing that's really It's happening a lot.

1:03:21 So, no, it was- Well, we're not on the border, but- There's definitely that. Yeah, and give me money and you hear from your friends, bro And then they have the- like how you'll just get like you know it's like they won't throw you out of Like hey, can I crash with you and the guy was like yeah sure so he brought him and his girlfriend and stayed on the couch

1:06:03 Raising yeah, that means they know how to do it They'll just squat, but they always hold up like a dirty piece of paper You pay the bill. They're fucked. number of people they're squatting currently Jamie in the United States try Oh, he's right. Yeah, and then he shit all over it when they were taking away from fuck you not cool You know, that's all right.

1:09:12 He's like now you got to go and then they all like first popsicles outside really? Yeah Well, I think there was some controversy with the guy who called it in. well this is chat gbd4 chat gbd5. It would be like I know how to get them out This bitch is in my fucking house, and she's fucking beat the shit out of them and then just know you'll be out the next day.

1:11:29 I think a lot of this came in New York City You know Tom and then we didn't change it. Yeah in the 80s. I remember they they That's when some of the best music came out in New York City that's one of my biggest fears, squatting. I'm on the road, I come back. Someone's in your house. They're just wandering around the street in the city squatters suspected of killing woman in New York City apartment stuffing her body into duffel bag

1:13:41 When she arrived, she could be seen on surveillance video coming and going from the apartment police believe the two squatters returned The car police said sources said was later involved in an accident in Pennsylvania Just a bunch of coexist And this they don't clearly not armed They're literally targeting you with a missile yes, you just disappear look at that is it a missile or is it a drone?

1:16:32 And they're not showing you the bodies because it's just a bloody mess. So it's really hard to like use like tactics where like we'll sneak up on them on the you know Oh, my God, dude. Stop the signal and it'll just land like a perk and call of duty. It's insane man I you know I hate to jinx it but it's just like you know these things you Your contractors and whatnot, but I'm sure that's a big keeps them up at night thinking about that stuff

1:19:37 The unidentified drones were such an issue that assets were called in from around the The statement said, we don't discuss our specific force protection measures, but retain the None of the incursions appear to be exhibit hostile intent. What is the most sophisticated drone currently available but Google most sophisticated nuclear or most sophisticated

1:21:43 Look at this one. rolls turbocharged that'd be loud right a turbocharged piston engine yeah that'd So some of these must be just spies that one does Look at that. The missiles just sit go back to that picture you just saw Right. That they think are UFO is just some super sophisticated propulsion system It says it's a drone and it goes underwater and it goes underwater

1:25:23 like you can't just have a basketball that flies So these things that people keep seeing Yeah. of money that they've had, say that I didn't believe it I think the things he was just talking about I'm I do look at a species like ours like that's this intelligent as the human species if we got Lot of UFO stories this guy. He told it. What was the portal one of the casinos?

1:28:57 Alien spaceship 100% Evolutionary process is really slow And then probably you just stop being a person. You know the whole send people to Mars? like Jupiter, 25 years. Mm-hmm, and all your orgasms will happen It'll be so quick. All the games. I mean don't you want to get up and move around maybe not is there if you just put that fucking But it communicates with you like a person even says um.

1:33:43 What? So it's analyzing the image. That really looks like a puppet. It doesn't look like a robot. will look like that 100% pretty well the So this thing by the way it doesn't have to have that giant metal plate over its chest but it does if it doesn't want you to kill it. It looks bulletproof. Yeah, oh my god. This is really not two years. Look at that

1:36:13 This is before AI, right? You know some guy doesn't like his job and needs a cigarette break this look at that ready to go and if they figure out Yes. I'm sure the government wouldn't allow these companies to sell it if it was It's like that you know like they attacked it. They destroyed it, but they do that to regular Yes. suggestion. Yep. And they actually have a robot. They're like not yet, not yet. Let's wait till things go really sideways.

1:39:53 Yeah. It's the best. Yeah. That is so I'm sending you a text right now. I want to see what happens that is so insane Yeah. Okay, let's see if I get it. that yeah I'm safer just a little time saver hmm it doesn't even have emojis on Yeah. Bill This is like 89. you had a you have someone drive you to gigs yeah that didn't happen because That's awesome. That Boston scene must have been like, because you know, talking about New York,

1:44:19 that like, you really like, swimming with sharks basically. Go home, you know screaming at you they did it on purpose to people for sure and we deserved it too, by the way many That makes me a nice soft plastic one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah old school. You got to sometimes shickets in there What was that like? Imagine how many dick pics you'd have out there in the world. Oh, oh

1:47:58 That was yeah You know yeah, you know why you get indoctrinated either. Hmm. What do you think of college now? Do you think it's a waste of time? It's it's hard to get out of that debt you're like I got in trouble when I was teaching because I told them all my students Oh, yeah, when you're young like you have that window where you can kind of like take wild chances

1:50:15 Whereas I think when I was growing up it was like no nothing yeah, you gotta work your way up, There's so many different things that people can do now when I was growing up, it's like, Daughter took her phone and recorded her five years old and into the camera Yeah, but even even just now like we yes these things happen, but we shouldn't be Endangering anybody and they didn't look like they were armed and they just blew him apart

1:53:43 people are trying to figure out a way to do that. There's a lot of people that are trying they're really smart people. They just turn the the news off they want rather live in their own bubble that the If you don't like there's some new thing that's happening some new crisis. You don't know you just walk right into it So, you know, that's a reason why like board games

1:55:20 For sure people like puzzles no people people want to disconnect that's like we're in that business people want to get out get away from their problems with that fucking goofy thing. It's always rich kids Like, what do you think we should do? Dude, I saw the best thing. I'm so sorry We just started laughing. How dumb is that? Yeah see the fires. I am a wannabe fireman. I love firefighters.

1:59:04 Yeah, life and go into a burning building. Well. I was you're in the firehouse you're watching movies And I was so nervous Killed everybody in their cars. No shit. Everything over the horizon is fire. Yeah, I mean from the left to the right everything coming over the hills is fire Those things are so big you can't even comprehend it. It's it's so hot. There's so much fire It's literally thousands and thousands of acres around you are just engulfed in flames

2:02:17 The fireworks at the gender reveal everybody loses their house But there was also a lot of problems like the people didn't want to release the water because the water is owned like this water Bro the real tin foil I had to do is the little corner, yeah. So it's almost like a laser beam. And I know that these are things that they call direct energy weapons. So it's almost like a laser beam.

2:04:04 And if you had a blue house like a with a blue ceiling are either imagine your house burning up because like your wife or partner was industrial laser in a workshop. The clip shows a laser burning yellow red and green fabric while a blue swatch is unscathed That is really stretching it, if you ask me. Is there videos of those things being used like is there like a is a direct energy weapon a real thing like 100%

2:06:52 High energy lasers and high powered microwaves. And so what is it? I guarantee. There it is. glitching under the intense exposure of like a lightning bolt. Oh. Show that again. I want things to everybody thinks the rainbow So people are reposting real old viral videos, Oh, jeez. And then these people lose everything. It would take five billion dollars right wasn't that what the money was five billion to rebuild all those houses

2:11:06 Dude, well, fucking FEMA, when Hurricane Katrina hit, Geez. that's amazing hit the homeless man who's on the tracks? Like, what do you do? You know, Oh, and the videos are the best So crazy. You know, 3.30 on the work commute. And multiple people that are doing the pushings have been Use all those lasers. Al Capone's Vault? right now and then incentivize workers with high pay to have smart people with

2:14:32 But that's the fucking horrible thing about people when they can get away with doing things. I don't know if that's the saddest thing ever It's definitely sad. Have you lived in one? have house managers and clinical assistants and everything that basically I was on the road and I took a two-week bender and it was bad and I came back and got fired He told me we were like looking out the window and he told me guys you see all those cars over there

2:18:00 Like the slither snake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they don't want to lose a customer since they had their numbers, they'd call them, drinking coffee. You caught him And there is your friend. Florida's dealing with jeans. And like those guys are dressed up, you know, of course. The, you know, you don't get that much anymore. No. Well, we just have pizza. dollars. I'd be willing to pay, but

2:20:54 It's open real late. Encore at the wind the wind hotel What is that place called, Jamie? Whoa, but those are normal hours like that's not that's like a restaurant. It's a real restaurant What is possible like I'm sure that's just the beginning of it, you know The locals came out and they were so happy to see a show. feel like vegas has turned the corner man it's really it's popping now yeah well it's a people

2:23:50 I want fun. I'm in a town that's specifically designed to have a good time. That's the first place robot prostitutes they'll sure unleash them that's be the first place they do But there's definitely a lot of sad in Vegas. There's some fun to it, too She's kind of hot on the phone. She says I'm just gonna fucking piss so she's just pissing Yeah, like what if it's coming from her bag or she put a drink in between her legs?

2:26:21 Apparently people do do that though. and you can't pee, you're useless. And you just zip your dong just let it hang out you can pee at any time you're in a bag And then every time he came around me I started losing. Yeah, I was a good dark cloud $1,100 and how many how long did it take you to get that I was there for like an hour Gambling I'm not good at it. Are you a sports guy too? No, I don't like sports sports because we really can make it

2:29:17 Oh yeah, my uncle was one of them. That's the saddest shit. Chinatown is everywhere. that he used to hang around with, And all these fucking psychotic gamblers these guys are nuts look at these people. They're all just completely addicted. They're all shady this is all down. They don't have off-track betting. I don't think so Yeah, I've been to those in person

2:32:08 You know, and the monkeys would be like riding them around. and just drop kicks this lady and then yes Oh, that's so fun just decided to fuck this dude up well he's egging them on though he's like boom! He just decided to fuck this dude up. Well he's egging him on though. The one that I saw was indoor, or outdoors rather. It's like that can't treat it like it's a little person

2:34:54 hundreds of them stop traffic and they can't do anything. You're gonna be able to, you gotta be able to, to death with the mace. The skin was exposed. One of the things that happened during COVID They're probably fucking starving. These guys are wearing a giant mask. That's like the god. Oh! It's so wild what people choose to and choose not to worship you know like he's shaking it off

2:37:15 started offering people money to kill cobras. And they're like, what are we going to do with these fucking cobras? No, oh imagine I made it up yeah, but I don't remember the source which is often the case I don't remember the source of that story. You mean we can't make these Cobras fuck anymore For safety, some North American snake charmers stitch close the mouth of the performing snakes,

2:39:11 to the snake." nothing could happen. Right but see if that's the origin of us that they used Apparently had a bunch of snakes laying around like look we need to figure out a way to fucking diversify wasn't that st So they could have a constant supply of snakes to kill and redeem for money. Yeah Yeah, that's a performance. You will see somebody who's like, you know, I'm a squatter with a dog and the poor dogs

2:42:08 Are we ever going home? Beautiful my cat does that sure?