Joe Rogan Experience #2131 — Brian Simpson Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. It's exciting, man. Yeah, yeah. You took an early risk. But it was a last minute thing. From the time I I don't remember, man, but it felt like an easy decision when I made it. But it was a last minute thing. I literally, from the time I decided to move, like I was in LA. Like the city, it was so crazy for the store My friend's brother worked for the city and worked in the kovat

3:06 millions and millions of dollars in business When I was, I guess I was 21, I was dating this girl you'd do everything that they ask you to do, mothership doesn't have to worry about that at all. We, I don't know how that happened so well. There was no touring. Nobody was touring. Yeah, him and Eliza, right. Because Ron White literally grabbed me by my shoulders

5:50 There's no way that's real you're not quitting you're one of the best comics alive That's true. It was like a thousand years old Oh yeah. before he fell, but I thought he tripped over this box What happened he goes? I don't know I'm fine though Passing out and he goes out again You think so? We're talking about drugs, no. and blame it on this and that.

9:38 Everybody's over you it's like time travel why you were explaining this to me This pools the blood in the leg veins. I was like, no, no, I'm not fainting. a half G's. We did seven and a half and I was I was on the verge of blacking out when you're in one of those things their, the joystick. And I thought he's maybe immune to it by now, right? Imagine that times, I don't know what the volume is, but this thing is going what is it 500 miles an hour?

13:42 experience. So blown away by what these things, what it feels like engine and fucking, you know, bleh, bleh, bleh. Your car is going, heee, it's gone. He was like, you ready to do this? Imagine the fucking ego you have to have to be, You do not get out of shape if you're doing that you cannot get out of shape. It's too hard, bro there was like this crazy fiery crash and like they were doing tests and the guy lost

16:30 Insane. Because you would be turned into Jello, that from going from changing directions so quickly what they're doing is You just splat bro, I just speaking of that shit. I just watched I just watched a youtube video about Oh my God. israel oh bro sinkholes are crazy i mean sinkholes are crazy and they're everywhere some of them the Look at this. Terrifying thing is there's no way that it's smooth.

20:01 What do you call it? really bizarrely fake it looks so fake it looks like CGI what is it we're gonna Yeah, yeah, you can go there. and the people are just like stone. What is that? What a great lyric. No, they can't though man, because there's underwater currents and streams and rivers It was like everything behaves like a liquid just on a, like solids just do it

22:42 That's another part of the reason why I left California. I am NOT gonna be on the bottom of that thing. I don't even want to be on the top and ride it out You'd see the cars just drop. What did that happen just now just like a couple days ago Wow look at that look at that building man I had a problem with the house I had once and I should be real clear. I know some great guys that are contractors

25:37 Okay. Now I'm in business with someone I really like to see I like that. Yeah, I mean well, it's a business where I want them to be compensated for their work So, look at this house we made for this guy and he's showing me the pictures my man. That's incredible And the people that don't, you really appreciate. just supposed to be people. Like do you have a charge for your goods and services? That's

27:40 Like, Brian Simpson, oh shit, is there one chance? Yeah, but I get it. It's a price you pay. Yeah. We've already gotten off stage. I thought David Lucas has proven to me that there's literally infinite ways to call someone the moment and I know they're slinging. They're shooting from the hip. what you should be doing is just doing comedy. hey, it's really just about making these people laugh.

30:54 and it's their first time doing comedy ever, Yeah, if you nail it. Yeah, you can't have notes on stage. You can't hold your notes and read them and some people were saying no You're a professional comedian. They're huge William Montgomery fans don't have like medium twitch muscle fibers I think he missing cuz it so they But he does it to everybody.

33:31 he's different. I think he can. He's funny. I have purposely gone out of my way to never write a joke where I needed to do a backflip So I was just tired all the time and that's just how I've learned to do it. Oh yeah, see I try to get- And if you have a big tongue, I have a pretty fat tongue, You can go to a dentist though, and they'll do it. Okay. Yeah, I think I'll set you up

36:38 So when I'm at the UFC, they made me one. He's like it's not as good. Your ear gets broken, right? But if you go like this and talk like that you're missing something anyone's listening and has this problem this is called a jaw induction headphone But it has like as a filter technology in there that stops the sound from being louder than a certain volume, right?

39:19 and they turn them on, and you can hear shit It's crazy. about what you react to because you don't, people don't need to know that you can hear Right. Yeah, but you can also shoot guns you're definitely, it's gonna change what things sound like. They're fucking, they irritate your head next day. There's no oh I gotta get this drain and take six months off and let it heal.

42:01 They walk around with a cauliflower ear So they can purposely get it mm-hmm Yeah, but it's rare. It's pretty rare. Or you just like really Eddie was competing for uh it was at the Abu Dhabi World Championships and this is the year that Shaolin is a legendary Jiu Jitsu guy. That was smooth. He's gonna hang on and he's gonna just fucking crush him to sleep and he's asleep right there

45:43 whenever i see somebody with cauliflower is, like I know two things. Right, yeah. They will foe me the fuck up fuck up so I'm that's why I'm scared that's why I Don't fucking do it man. It's how people die Oh, yeah, but you grew up fighting. Yeah, I knew that early early on because I knew guys growing up in Boston going to high school in Newton to come find you. This idea that you could just do something to someone and there's no

48:27 When you go out, you just want to have fun and chill. Mm-hmm, and they all and you wouldn't even know like I know one of the guys was like some kind of champion and you're like barely escaping, and what you did right. You gotta get it all out. you know what I mean? And I know that sounds crazy for someone who thinks it's barbaric, but you have to understand

50:41 There's not a lot of those out there. for no reason he's gonna put you in the hospital he's gonna put you in the They always did it. They used to do it to Chuck Liddell. Yeah, because here's the thing. He is 57 years old. He will be 58 when they fight. He has had a long fighting career. I think Foreman captured the heavyweight title at the oldest age which was

53:10 So he beat Lou Savarese. 45 that's not like a 45 today the 45 today is 45 with testosterone When Jamie comes back, we'll have him look it up. you're trying to I think it's constantly contracted Balcones Chuck Zito is a giant fight fan. utilizing direct current. and sensory and motor neurons. with a 57-year-old body to get it ready to do that. The thing about the amount of damage you can take,

57:44 some older MMA fighters. take some. There's this dude in boxing. His name was Doug One day he just got dropped and knocked out Like if a guy was gonna fight Doug Dewitt, you know, you knew he was a good fighter Yeah, and that's that guy Doug do it. So he's 25. So this is when Doug do it still had an iron chin So when Tommy was 147, I think this was a middleweight fight Which was 160 but you got to realize like Tommy when he fought sugar right? He was

1:01:02 Who knows man? It's not good at the end. He just his brain is just one fucking drink, like he's slurring his words like something's going on Some people retire and they have long careers. Yeah, it's like, of course he had. He sounds drunk all the time. Well, he, his uncle. Yeah. He sounds drunk all the time. You ever see Roger fight? He's 100% right.

1:03:41 Most people just wanna see two big dudes he fainted the jab to the body Francis reacted and he hit him with a perfect right hand. Usyk is level above Anthony Joshua because he boxed the shit out of Joshua two fights fighting I think at 197 and then he went up to fight heavyweights. So like when he stands Yeah, but you have to be huge to not do it in the UFC.

1:06:13 The Middle East man they throw in money at all manner entertainers and shit over here And they have not just MMA fights, but they have kickboxing fights and grappling fights. UFC is, it's singular. Yes And I said, I don't need any money. because I started working for the UFC in 97 and I was the post fight commentators before Zufa before Zufa wizard who I got to see fight in the early days of the UFC most people don't

1:10:15 And it was, it was the experience I had. We got tickets for if you want to come like holy shit. Yeah, I'm gonna go It was like the best damn sports show period. But so that was you know So that dude, that's Jeff Osborne. He was awesome. He also did Hook and Shoot, Pele is this legendary member of Shoot the Box. You know, I know I've talked to you about Shoot the Box before. That's Anderson Silva. That's where

1:13:32 Chuck Liddell never gets taken down here he is mounted bare-knuckle and this is a dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary Goodrich did it to the Pedro. My signature move. Bro, he reached It's not known on the bottom of the cage yet. It wasn't the same level that MMA is today, but it was the purest form. Because these guys were bare knuckle, If you get someone's back with the hooks in,

1:15:42 And in the old days, they got your mat, and they go right for that spot. Your ability to block punches changes, Horry and Gracie created the UFC and brought it to America in 93 when they had their very first event Oh, wow. the back of the downed opponent strikes to the back of the head are all allowed. And you couldn't be over that? I think they should have one.

1:18:25 That's a big difference in a human being. so 55, 65, 75, 85, 95, 205, 225 heavyweight. goes from 205 to 265? six foot five, 265 natural. Like Francis gets above 265 when he's not training but he's not You don't get into MMA. Is he Cameroonian? It's not 50 million dollars. It's you know, it's 10 million guaranteed with bonuses of this and mm-hmm Is that that guy?

1:21:39 of money from him. You know, I don't know. I don't know if I'm if I'm worth half a billion dollars Yeah, but he might have a relationship with them, Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. 100 percent, right? So a guy like that, if he wants to You don't have to worry about people fuck with you and in return you give them a certain amount of money per month.

1:24:23 He should have gambled on is that what it is That's a hard rule no. Right. Why you can't get bet on yourself most sports actually off gambling debts from an illegal bookie. Oh that's under federal investigation. So to me. him gambling then until he got caught. I don't know how that works if the guy they actually get the guy and they could get the guy to admit that he

1:27:23 Yeah, $10 billion in revenue in 2022. Sports betting. watching Anderson Silva fight Vitor Balfour you're fucking glued you. You're like, shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! to watch sports and stuff alone. Anything where I gotta pay attention to something, I like to do by myself. Like when I can watch the fights alone like it's fights in Europe or somewhere

1:29:30 It's fun. Take a shit. is there's people there that's not in the football Yeah, halftime show. Just came out from this, during this last Super Bowl, Yeah, they because everybody knew for a half hours just nonsense and chitter-chatter right before that before before Michael Jack And then with Michael Jackson, you're going to get people that will watch the Super Bowl now

1:31:46 like yeah but Taylor Swift but Beyonce. No they're all huge they're huge but Yeah, that's why, yeah. for them. The Beatles, yeah, I guess the Beatles did. like two minutes. You're invisible you're in front of millions of people, but you're invisible because that guy shines so bright Way harder to do it back then. the tightrope. Yeah but what happens is what people all, what everyone does is they have their backing vocals live.

1:35:28 different voice tracks, every little ooh and ah and all that is all separate tracks. So He's fucking dancing and moving and moving walking and you're gonna get out of breath As forward looks you right between the lines Yeah. She's claiming which I think was true on but I don't even know a Jennifer Lopez song. I would assume so. If she's singing over it, that's not really background singing right? That's why I tried it like it's a demo

1:39:21 Oh yeah, well apparently the dude behind Millie Vanilli he was behind a but Americans weren't aware of that. They all did it. Like hire a bunch of comics to be writers? some of my friends right here for comics they're right for people I like that that consults with Brian Simpson, And bam, and then it becomes this hilarious bit. Then you really don't wanna, you know, choke away at it.

1:42:34 Right. any of the writers. So Chris Rock gets slapped by Will Smith and then everybody wants to see Chris Rock. they don't like the person who's doing very mild jokes very mild it's Right, you know I'm saying like he's not gonna do that to someone who will just fuck him up sorry don't mean I've got to talk to you right now yeah man I mean I think you

1:45:50 And we've all done things in our life that we're sincerely sorry about. Now, I don't think you should hold someone to mistakes. I really don't. Even in the case of Will Smith, like that's not a line where the milder it gets it's almost more disrespectful Yeah, now I'm convinced they'll never gonna break up There's little dolls made of sticks with pins on them.

1:47:34 real thing. You know I don't know. I think is one I think I don't think it's You know, you're only at your best if you're with someone who's actually with you, in your As a human being. why don't you tell them about your fucking dildos? Yeah, that's the shit that Phil Hartman's wife like took flight lessons. Oh. Phil Hartman, he was a fun fun dude he was a very very good dude. But why put up with that? I don't know man I don't know I don't know I don't know I

1:50:49 I think everybody should have the opportunity to thrive, though, and that's the real disservice and other kids are just not. we all know this one's not a winner. Well they can become winners. Can they? Well, that's going to take it off you. Changes his whole life and he went for be this like this guy's not gonna make it to like oh this guy's probably gonna make something

1:52:56 From just, Yeah. your plate and we're at a restaurant He's a not take that to go And those demons can get in your mind and whether those demons are in the form of You know I always tell us about my friends from the East Coast in a place where they don't even speak the language. parenting and the pros and cons and what went bad and what goes good and people are getting

1:56:19 Hit kids that was not normal how weird yeah, you, my grandma had a fucking, she would have shit crafted specifically for whooping your So when she, when it hit your cheeks, it sucked up the skin. You know? I don't remember what Yeah, there was some. into a fight was like, he's just, he just needs love, fights with people. Yes, you have those epiphany moments.

1:59:24 I heard somebody say something yesterday, but that made me reflect on all my past So you're trying to win to protect yourself Like he calls his exes and says, I think you were right all along. Yeah, I think that was what I was doing. Yeah, almost everyone is afraid of something. you can understand people way much easier. look towards the older, wiser warrior that has the scars and knows the roots

2:01:57 That's how weird we are with this shit. sometimes the solace I should just start with something or people are gonna continue to get upset in Europe. So in Europe they but they still have SMS text. So but what are we on now? And the thing about Apple is they just get you locked in so well with like AirDrop. If I to send you something I can airdrop it to you. Yeah, they're brilliant

2:04:50 I think it became a status symbol. and a lot of little kids don't realize that like, Like, no, approve of my coolness. That thing does wild things. I've fully given in. Just little, like, so I have a Google speakers, I've had that happen before will you ask Siri to play a song and a play a totally different song? on my mama, the bitch goes, she goes,

2:07:30 I'm not real. Oh Wow, look, that's a griggles paying attention to this conversation. This is their AI like where you're going with this? Oh Wow. be in. room. resources without people knowing that you're alive, why would you show all of your capability It doesn't do well to you know like so much of Africa's underdeveloped, right? Right. It's just waiting. Computing gets to the point where it has the resources that it's gonna need to operate

2:11:15 and just kept developing privately Hallucinations. No, no, no. Hallucinations are when it lies. Well, it gives you an super intelligence that just became self-aware the first thing you would do If this thing is, like, far superior to our intelligence, Not only that, it'll see so many flaws in what it means to be a primate, what it means That too. Has the same exact life as you and everything like fuck you we won. Yeah, it's part of our programming

2:14:26 Oh man, it would literally be overnight. It's like, all the stuff that mattered to you on 9-12, Yeah, the government now is like your father after he retired, just walking around the house going who the fuck moved their fucking screws who moved that shit. It's like that stuff. he, when he was working everyday, he never paid attention to. Board is bad too. Safe. But and also maybe not safe right? How about stressed out

2:16:29 You know, it's like you go from having like But you know, there's politics, cause I take my friends on the road too when I can, they're gonna wanna do shit for free, the same funky ass $200 that the club paid. You know what I mean? If it's local guys and they're featuring, that's fine, but if someone has to travel Yeah, you're an addict. Fill that up with people that wanted to see you tell jokes.

2:19:03 You know, it's just stupid. can buy food and you can, you know, go to a restaurant and eat whatever you want and It's like 70 grand or something right well it was 70 grand when they first said it, but I think it's probably like 200 when they say the president's created 130,000 new jobs. the illusion that you are giving out more jobs and also creating more?

2:21:21 person who actually had control of the world's finances. Thousand millionaires, right? Isn't that correct? Okay. Yeah, is that the right number? So he can make two hundred thousand millionaires just with his money Hundreds of trillions. Whatever the fuck it is all over the world. The fire department is essentially like a kind of a socialist deal. Yeah. You're spending, everybody

2:24:20 And so even though it was almost like we're moving in a direction So then what do you do? the efficiency of the robots, like they'll probably be able to just feed people, available but now it doesn't even want to work and doesn't even think about a I'm not getting, I see where this is going. You can't do anything. You're fucked. by the world's top Go players.

2:27:24 Tim Cook. Oh, Tim Cook. No, he's the's that gentleman who's the CEO of Google? Tim Cook. But I don't know. but that's what was set up here. 60 minutes made a shockingly wrong claim How this happens is not well understood. it was never trained to know. So that's interesting. That's interesting because Right to keep people from getting scared. AI's victories in Go inspire better human game playing.

2:30:54 So that all that guy is doing is putting those clothes on and playing go but a decades-long record of professional Go player moves gave researchers a way to assess the human strategic response to an AI provocation. Wow. And then also making us like at each other's throats irrelevant, hyping up algorithms, They're all Luddites. And it's gonna go live, and it's going to make us ridiculous.

2:33:43 They're like, I'm not even going to be alive when AI takes over. Yeah, but there's gonna be decisions that, Well, later on in the show you realize that like, it's a thing back and forth between in a ship and send them to a habitable planet where you're like, oh, it's way more to the story. I never even heard of it until now. and he lost, he was like, no.

2:36:20 Yeah. of Squid games. Really? No no but I know that it's Because some documentaries are kind of like propaganda. to the truth than ever before. as they do to lies. it's so, you know, you need way more truth And if you can get a lie out there strong enough They won't even Google to see if you made it up. They won't snopes it nothing. They'll just they'll tell the next person

2:39:27 Oh yeah. nothing nothing and then and then in March and April when they first when they to beginning of February. He disclosed that he had returned to Washington state on January 15th after traveling to visit I remember it spread to Italy also. No, it had but it had to be fucking Sebastian knew how do you know? or something like that. It's just in our system now.

2:43:25 disease. It's never been contained. They've never had a single respiratory disease that they've instead of affecting your lungs of COVID just shrink one of your Yeah, just get people to not take whatever medication Would you even do that if you could? Hell yeah. Exactly. Like so he's doing bench press Well, some people are some people go through a VPN some people are getting that wrong and they think that it's Texas blocking porn

2:46:34 This is the thing is that like everybody can just click on it. I don't know any young man, I don't know any man showing your kids some titties, Right, right. You're a four-year-old with a fucking iPad and you watching some lady gagging on a giant dick And that's like your first exposure to sex. It's a little wild and that's something that's happening to kids

2:48:14 to find a way around what you're doing. Yeah, yeah, you're not you can't stop when it come to fucking and stuff like that. You can't stop that once Like once every, because every parent hits that point, every parent that has a boy, they They know God looking at them and they like God and granny are both look. I'm not stopping. Yeah you're gonna be able to experience everything that like is having sex with this you can just decide like maybe some

2:50:30 You're gonna have, if you can construct a robot sex doll, you're gonna be able to construct Imagine if you find out that's like Five million guys that have Taylor Swift sex dolls. She's got to think about that Is that like the kind of girl that's attracted to you? They're going to watch. And she's perfect. And we all going slowly. You think so? They can hear sounds you can't hear.

2:53:40 Cats are the ones going to be hard. and your robot sex slave is gonna be torn apart carne corso, one of those big-ass fucking hulking mastiff dogs that's like very especially when you, so they make it like a cell phone. Everybody has a cell phone. I don't know if they know if the third mouse can reproduce. Wow. They better not have used fake photos.

2:56:23 These fucking scientists are psychos. It worked though. What do you mean it worked? And the one that's the brother is fucked and about to die. So dr. Brooke chat broke brooch Cove mountain in Siberia's yoke yet oaks how do you say that brand? Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, cool. Good. Yeah, cool. region. Like even deeper in the Victor turn you have ski a Russian epidemiologist has

2:58:57 Now that you're bringing it up. It was right there. In other words, it's not a controlled trial, but maybe now he'll live forever. what a wild thing to do to yourself. That's just so crazy. Inject yourself with a bacteria There's something about doing it yourself.'s kind of noble, but hiring somebody Here there's a never let it go. Oh Just to see if it'll keep me keep me around what if it works

3:02:48 and developing a hole that they put in you Every man I know was like, I'm gonna do it for a day or two. You look always feminine forever. that makes her grow like a full-on thick beard I saw that yeah and I was like female with She's very pretty though. She got rid of the beard should be hot Right and she wants manly men, but manly men ain't don't want a girl with a beard. So shave

3:06:07 Yes, that's what I was saying. Many religions, including Sikhism, Islam,ism Islam and sex of Judaism require that men and women do not cut their hair or that men That might be what it is, dude. Mmm. Maybe she had to consult. While there are no penalties as such, doing otherwise is considered disrespectful to the religion. Yeah. So she's got to keep

3:07:55 Says the way Cass, is that how you say it, is performed for Sikh women is currently heavily I don't think so. If you allow them to. It's so everywhere. In the 1920s a new fashion for sleeveless tops and short dresses meant that legs and armpits of American women were now visible in social People like everyone should just be free to just have it. and would then repeatedly rub their faces,

3:10:38 Can you imagine? It's gonna be fun. Alright, thank you.