Joe Rogan Experience #2144 — Chris Distefano Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I never know what's going on with you. I'm back in. because I was having anxiety about doing a show because it was a big show on the New York Eye, And my girl was like, what are you doing? if you knew my address back then, cause that's what we can do, write us comics. be safe in an apartment. People can come in the back window of our home, and this will be the move."

3:18 but that I learned the lesson of self-sabotage after self-sabotaging and I didn't know why. help me with this. That's how I feel about it. We're not like living off the side of a highway. but I miss my friends. So now we're settled finally in a place and we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood So this anxiety ramped up when success ramped up.

6:10 What is the fear? But I think that the actual anxiety of the day of, again, being a New York guy, one night Right. Always. that's not like career oriented, like a hobby, like some kind of other interest that you but I said, what you just said, I'm like, be home. you just be with them, and then, and that's really helped. but I was like, I don't want to try a brand new thing right so, I did some of the same material that I was, because I'd been writing, but I was like,

9:03 there's really nothing more you can do in comedy, right? I got back to the hotel, I was like, do I have that? where I don't know that you've ever done that, right? When you're podcast, you never being like, like some kind of a hardcore workout thing? wanted to do the hot yoga, drip and sweat. Does that help you? Everybody knew you as basketball. No, you're doing that.

11:42 They really do. Yeah, I just was born with this big fat head and big teeth. Possibilities right that are dangerous, right? I feel like I can, I can figure anything out. I have to, I have to keep killing. I don't feel like that's a burden. I can build fucking walls emotionally. maybe that seeps in. Just control your output. or I'll, you know, I have a grid family thing right now, but maybe I'll, you know, maybe

14:43 I know. I do believe I've learned a lesson. get over yourself, and I would do that, and then kind of tell myself, like,, get over yourself. Self-obsessed bullshit, get over yourself. And I would do that and then kind of tell myself, I had this house sale and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy, like crazy, crazy, crazy, I was not aware that an issue was going on.

16:41 yourself, I don't do drugs, I don't drink too much, I'm stable, you're not buddy. nobody knows what they look like, I'm not that, but I'm like, oh, there's responsibilities now, I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. like why, if you wanted to move, fine. So you just accepted the first offer? Gamble. I don't know what any of that means. I'm just not playing card games and betting.

19:28 well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore, Like, these decisions, I mean, dude, when I moved here I was very lucky that my kids wanted to move here right right They had excellent bagels. And buy it back? kind of like more Republican than anything. And so they, you know, they're, like when I moved in, You lied. So now my that same neighbors like way to fucking go and he'll send me pictures and then it's funny cuz like they have a you know

22:51 We have to stay, they have a baby, they have a whole. Yeah, when you see people that get that gamblers rush, it's just like a drug addict like their eyes gloss over like they just need that I knew so many people like that in the pool hall. They were like that. It's a wild thing games. But even in the throes of the addiction, like he would take me to the OTB racetrack and

25:01 You don't walk to the left. How do you know those men, honey? like anxiety, but you know, I, one thing about, I really do. and he's just driving in the car He goes you're my customer. I'll drive barefoot for you. And I was like, dude, I fucking love it But that's not that much. See the thing with New York, I agree, now you're actually seeing it, okay?

28:08 against a mentally deranged homeless person. who like would always kind of, you know, telling me a story. He's like, we were outside the projects, right? He goes, and arrest him, back out. Right. It's not well received though. fucking, it's wild. Even my father who was like, I grew up in New York, And then you're okay. I'm telling you, dude, it's true.

31:10 So like I don't know what it's gonna take to change because nobody gives a shit. Yeah. It's like Wilhelm. a German name. What's de Blasio's real name? so he's eating a burger. I can't now uproot the family to Austin. Well, school's almost over. That's the one thing about me. I don't think you'd lie. I wouldn't lie. That's the one thing about me I would I make shit up by exaggeration a lot of my comedy stories and stuff

34:13 Why? From Jamaica Plain for my first year of high school when it was actually good how your dick goes in a pussy you probably think it goes in straight I'm So this is where I went to eighth grade. Wow, it was weird. Is that you we think got you into martial arts I was 17 15 I guess and she had already had sex and I was a virgin I just couldn't. And then I had this emotional swing

37:56 She was probably waiting two weeks. Well, I don't think you should dwell on it. You were fucking 14 years old, but it's anxiety. cause I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing. because I was calling my mom, no response, no response, and people will still sometimes be like, So instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house because I was really nervous about a big

40:00 about in my neighborhood. So this was only like you on your own developed this? texting me back. I foolishly texted her before the game, like when we were in the locker room, Even though it was pure daylight in New York, but I am the lead player on a college basketball game She's not looking at her phone all the time, right? And I come back and I have the phone stuffed in my pants

42:17 I'm gonna be paralyzed and I can't play. And they would call, coach would call timeout And I opened up to him about it thinking, you know, whatever. She's gonna die. My junior and senior year, But I did all this stuff and I was completely, 100% absolutely having like this mental health No, but this was, you know, 25, yeah, 20 years ago. it was control and in a way it was. I was trying to control, I wouldn't care about if they cheated

45:17 and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now, and dads here texting them, what's gonna happen when she goes outside which I know you got to stay in When you don't have a girlfriend, much home I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding because I'll be able to, I'll be okay. It. I'll be able, I'll be okay. is the statistically, the least likely thing

47:35 So life experience, therapy, all the things. from like my own kind of, you know, meditation But I'm like, yeah, I didn't need this today. So instead of just allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from can recover from bad things. but they, but that's what it was. and I got the anesthesia, and I had shows in England and I got,

50:05 to get home preemptively. Jesus Christ. was I'm gonna get my appendix removed over here, you won't know about it anyway. They weren't selling, but still. And I left because I was like I have stomach pains and I and I flew away and because my brain would get the best of My brain thinks so different than yours. It's a discipline. I like it. It's an art form, it's a discipline.

52:21 would you always try to make people laugh when I got to high school, and that's all I cared about. who are left-handed, who are right-handed. Really? Most of them are lefties. Well, lefties are really good at a lot of comic books left-handed right-handed You know me many people are good drawers who are left handed who are right-handed really most of more lefties

53:09 You're open for stuff that you're not, you're like, oh shit, it throws everything off. I've never played pool once in my life. It just takes over your mind. So it shortens the angle or you're gonna put running English on it. So it lengthens the angle taking chess lessons and all these different things connections with people on the golf course and getting these things. Well

55:45 business with play golf and the guy cheated at golf he moved the ball and she He just says, what kind of traitor of a person are you that you want to live around people who Yeah. And then I kind of just let it sit there on me Or do you a Yankees fan? Yes. He's, you know, big owner, you know, whatever. Really nice guy. I did, in the pandemic, I did I have material about having this Puerto Rican family, right?

58:48 It's a challenge, right? They do not know comedy's supposed to happen. have Joe Rogan, have somebody that they know Like I have to do it. this is a nightmare. And he was like, it doesn't feel like they're going to like you. And then he goes, no, it's not Chris Rock. I know this is probably not what you wanted. chest somebody hit me with the shrimp and they're dying in the back of the table. Tommy Metola was there, you know,

1:02:15 The only person laughing is Steve Sun, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here birthday gift for you, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here, birthday gift for you, you know, do 15 minutes and, and, you know, like, just, you know, just do the best I can. And she thought And he goes, do that. He goes, I'll double it. Whatever it is, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent. He goes,

1:04:13 But I thought I had to sign NDAs because it was during COVID times and they were like It came out that night. So the next morning so two days removed from the Cohen gig. I wake up And then, so I just hung up the phone on him. So I scrolling on Instagram, right? I can't believe you talked about it, and hey babe, all right, hold on. And then he calls. He says, send me those messages.

1:06:32 are like awesome, amazing people. in the baseball season. and you do five minutes. They didn't know this was happening. So I had that. And then Steve goes, he goes, you're all right, man you know you're good you're all right. And I was I'm New York first and the Cohen family is awesome and the Mets are awesome and I don't know if you can be able to find it by my god my abs, but dude it was it was

1:09:53 like doing like a clean bit, But they were pretty nice to me. I fucking bombed that. and I came out right after the video of the And they were like, that was $5,000 worth of raffle gifts you just threw into the crowd me you gotta say no to some gigs I do now now I do yeah you can't do that now You can't do either of those things. Now, you know, cause I'm, I know, this is what I don't like. Now, you know, because I'm Mets, I just like the Mets.

1:12:38 You won't let me go to Yankee games. That's a, I look up to Colin, he's the New York comic, This is it? They won't do it. Exactly. is when you put out the comedy work or the podcast But the PR people who would give you the nice tickets, Yeah, Mets people are rebels. But in New York, it's the only place where people care about the Mets. Yeah. And are the White Sox the Mets?

1:15:24 Yeah. New York and Chicago, That's almost like San Diego. Well, that's interesting. There's a lot of military there. I mean, that's the base of that. Right, Navy SEALs, right? Yeah, I- Dude, yeah, if they have the tents, that's not good. Can you just stop doing it while it's happening? Somewhere you really get into that thing. And I think the things that you get into

1:17:52 and he was kind of being really like a macho guy So that was my first 20 minutes there. it makes you uncomfortable. But that to go back to do that thing just because you just, you know, it just gives you, it makes you uncomfortable. It was a lot of recognition from the pods because they were like it's all one community I'm going to, of course this guy's going to follow me and I'm going to blow out my knee.

1:19:37 Not necessarily. they just do it in a haphazard way. he's gotten to fist fight stuff, The thing is getting hit and getting hit is not a small thing That's just if you, especially if you're sparring. You're not thinking about taking on fights Then you start hitting each other hard thinking I'm gonna knock him off his bicycle and I'll win and he didn't even move a muscle and then he beat the shit out of me

1:22:40 It's a possibility of you get injured right, but Jiu-jitsu at least you're not getting hit we get excited about it, and a gun. So I want to make a choice to say, in though. 15 minutes. That's the hardest workout that you'll ever do, right? There's like if a guy gets you in a chokehold and you're trying to fight out of it, you pheasant hunting in Montana together

1:25:43 I'm gonna tuck your head into my chest and I'm just gonna roll on my right shoulder. He's like ah So we were like rolling around the dirt in Montana. That's how into it what he was When I watch, I always watch if it's on the plane, what's the next things? and this is what life's gonna be. oh, I'm coming into my 40s now. are the people that lived their entire lives never thinking they were going to be famous, and then became famous like Jordan Peterson is a great example that like he was a professor, just like it was opposed to this bill that would cause people to have to be forced to mandated to use a bunch of made up gender pronouns and he's like this is crazy like you can't allow this is just going to spiral Yeah, I'm just gonna snowball into something else so he becomes famous in his 40s

1:28:41 Whatever demons they had got the best of them, which is a lot of us. funny, funny, funny people And there's players, there's a guy out there you can kinda half-ass things. Didn't even train for it. I mean, he got busted up, got a big cut over his eyes, I've heard that he's the most talented one, that he was fighting where he just he was so much better than everybody that

1:31:20 You're going to have anxiety, you're going to have nerves, but you just don't let them Yeah. He's born for it. and better at controlling it now, slow it down, all that, I tell myself I'm doing it I was in bed. You don't have to celebrate. From day one? Because Fear Factor, as great of a job as it was, was a job. We don't think about it. You're doing it to work out.

1:34:33 time I had mono and my mom had gout, so none of us could, we just couldn't move. If you reverse it and you go after the money first, you may get success, but there's a I was like, oh shit, this is why, been successful. they probably did a lot of things. Because you can't just manifest things. Yet because I remember when I saw the movie I was like whoa these people are other fucking minds

1:37:16 You have to do stuff that people actually enjoy. I was doing a show at another club And she was like, and her life like I don't know what was going on and she's like and I during these days, like the early 2000s, You need people who don't want to do that. It never was a thought. It was never, I want this thing to be, I want to be what it is. I never even imagined it. I didn't want it to be. It never was a thought.

1:39:21 Just do your best. Yeah, I was just doing it for fun. XM wasn't giving anybody any money. Yeah, but he has so much. Dude, I was talking to Howard Stern, but he was in Long Island or wherever he was, Florida, And they told me, they were like, Yeah. He loved it, dude. when he was a kid, when he would get yelled at Yeah, it's kept it going. the producer were like, hey, he's gonna talk to you for five minutes. Just get to know you your name. What do you do comedy? You know, whatever

1:42:10 And I was like, you know, on the show, thought initially was one of my friends doing like an impersonation like cuz I still feel really positive and great about that, but sometimes my brain can't hold on and just kind of have it make you stronger Okay. I think dwelling too much about yourself is not, it's like But don't feed that. I like that, don't think about you. Think about good wolf for the bad wolf. Yeah, don't think about you. Yeah, that's good. I like that, don't think about you.

1:45:00 Work ethic is a lot, there's a lot of people tagline I write a new joke I have a new premise I have a new thing I put it in That maybe that's who I am And then you could be sociable, then you're fun to hang out with because you're not overwhelmed, And I I think but I do think a lot of this stuff is baked into some of that Catholic guilt You ever read this book?

1:48:11 I can't, I'm like, want to rip my tattoos off. cause some of the things I'm even talking about Yes. Right, do that then. Like have that that part in my head right? It's always there that knows this is gonna be fine You know what you know I handle this just handle it deal with it breathe go through it. Yeah, Vaughn Write it down. Write those things down. Give yourself rock solid rules. Right.

1:51:10 my fingernails. Write it down in the future. Like she was like, I see you writing and doing things, I'm like, you know, I'll come onto a podcast, it might be a problem because like you do kind of think it's something to talk about that's Especially for someone who hadn't done standup like I couldn't even sleep. A lot of people I know that did three-day ones.

1:53:43 they'll say people lived to 400, 500 years old. Do you people live to 400 500 years old do you think it's not 400 but do you think it's Well, I think it's true. Yeah, exactly. And it does work. It does help you. But 500 years old. It's most few things you could do to mitigate aging today. And it does work. know, a lot of that stuff was story stuff. But dude, I'm telling you, this book, Case for Christ, the fucking history, it's not

1:55:52 Okay, Alexander the Great, because what you'll always hear is, well, the Gospels were written who were living at that time and up to like 25 years after it, and they say, oh well, of, you know, kind of having to pass down And I was like, okay. And at that point would be like, get this guy out of here. People say, really? out. And people like so, you know,

1:59:13 crucifixion victims to like the wild dogs. So in order to save ourselves, we're going to say the apostles robbed it. But in reality, Do the Romans say that? after reading that book there was enough things that happened that historical scholars who aren't religious some are believers What if the Romans, okay, they made it up, right? False memory is a real thing.

2:02:16 Yeah, that was Mike. Yeah. Yeah, you're like what? Yeah. Yeah, you remember Mike lost his job. He was drunk treat everybody like they're the same, paupers and hookers, everyone. killed him, and now he died for our sins, and the whole thing. wasn't real. Like all those things, but it's just the likelihood of someone coming back to life Genghis Khan, they did the wildest thing with him.

2:04:57 But it's got to be somewhere in Mongolia. They have no idea. who died in the glacier that was thousands of years old. them and that these soldiers in turn were killed by another group of soldiers which he was alive. Because so many people died that all the places that they had deforested they chopped down the trees trees grew back right and it created more more trees so it created more oxygen

2:07:14 So is there anybody, if you extrapolate that, did he kill more people than like Stalin and White people, we got the worst rap in history, but Asians fucking kill each other and are but it's like so does fucking everybody else. Stop it. It was because we all had to live under one roof. but it was like this wild thing where like, it's called Fucking History.

2:09:08 So if you could get divorced, have sex in front of people, couldn't get it up, would grant you the divorce because Yeah. Exactly. We know how other people feel. Back then they didn't care. Dude, isn't that what? Like the smartest, like the Elon No, I know that, but I'm saying, I don't know what it'd be, obviously. where you should read the start line.

2:12:05 hypotheses were created. Could he muster an erection? Expel reproductive fluids on The expert said after that never had they laughed as much nor slept as little as on that night So they have to and then you but then you would have to prove it. I'm not that's real That's a big thing. when human beings used to have fertility rituals, Like that's when people look at like the average age

2:14:47 dodge bullets and made it to that way and fucking pulled arrows out of their No way. Perfect. That's what I have no circumcision back then either or maybe there was I don't know. No. Right get a boner to probably tie a little rope around the base of their balls and everything and yeah, keep it hard I think people did a lot of gay stuff and a lot of pedastry bestiality, right?

2:17:14 I don't know when it came, but I was fascinated to read that I was like, oh wow, back then because he was giving all these favors yo, that's fucking wild. some people agree and disagree, but it's like he was going with what he thought was best to preserve the union. At the time, this is what we had to, Well, like, and, and native, you know, because, you know,

2:19:30 so why wouldn't I come with you? But then you have like the Native Americans who were on the land at the same time in America of like the human brain, I can't I'm blanking on all these things that I read it where who we are as homo sapiens And if you don't, if you're not physical, Well, we're certainly hardwired for conflict. Humans do war, which is the thing that everyone's the most fearful of.

2:22:07 those people that don't even exist on paper, We're going to beg for an indifferent AI piece of machinery that sees it in black and white And he was being like, that's what it is. What else could it be? And I was like, I don't That's not how to do it. thinking that far in advance. I think most of the people that are propagating maybe that's something that in the future, like we're living through it now, but in the

2:24:53 The evidence of its presence is irrefutable, but there's still some people that don't think They're cult people. They're basically in like this weird Like, they're speculating. can also take away your freedom of speech. It's better to have someone refute that and work it out than to silence people. It's very similar to that the the woke stuff is very similar to religion in a lot of ways like you you it's absolute

2:27:34 And I think they're more aware of how crazy it all is now than ever before. and why they do what they do. who's eight now, was like one or two, smoking cigarettes didn't know that they were killing themselves and the smoking industry was and we're gonna keep going. Yeah, I think something happens. We saw with that Google AI that the founding fathers are all black

2:30:42 itself you know it surpasses the design of human beings and creates its own But if it becomes something that designed itself, I mean, I know AI could No. There's no way you don't get that big. Yeah, yeah, they're monsters. There's so many bodies of people who smoke cigarettes. That's probably what it was, yeah. sleep too. And then I read it's because they counterbalance the effects of each other somehow.

2:33:16 it helps your body hold more water, right? if you have more water in your face. Well that's probably because you're working hard. Yeah, creatine, yeah. A hot dog with sauerkraut and some brown mustard. Oh, yeah, got it milk was going wild. Did you dunk dunk them all but I did it in my fasting window like in front of us, like throughout the day at Christmas,

2:35:50 Goes to the hospital, they, you know, hook him up to the machines, Time's running out with my dad. Your father had eaten so much sodium in one sitting but nothing like congestive heart failure but he said he's lightheaded all the time, I was like, yeah, but dad, you're eating, Yeah, don't do that. It's not about what your abs now. I'd like to see you try, you fat fuck.

2:38:35 Cause I have one example of divorce in my family. while people are fun, funny, fun guys. I mean, when I had my first daughter, we're giving birth, and dude, her water broke in the middle, we were watching that movie, Mad Max with Tom Hardy obviously when her water broke, we're giving birth, and dude, her water broke like crowning like it's happening, and my dad walks in,

2:40:17 This team sucks. And I was like, all right, the nurse, everybody's laughing. Cause they're What do you mean you were hoping for a boy? What have we got now? sex but like it'll get you in trouble but like a night out with the guys drinking beers It's definitely, well, France is being invaded yeah, I I was gonna go to our government, do not mention Muslim faith at all

2:43:10 for a year, he's in prison right now, It was my girl's- It was more like, you know, like one of my, you know, I have a friend who, you know, gay, gay, And I was like, wow, that's fucking wild, Iran and Israel got into that little skirmish, it's boarding with the country, Like what is it? You could not get anywhere. seed, but the clouds didn't move for a few days or something like that.