Joe Rogan Experience #2158 — Harland Williams Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Really? I think you're making this up. And I couldn't even remember her name It was her. Wait, what's her name? That's the gymnast. What was her name? this yeah yeah yeah she just knows it all yeah unbelievable that's probably a Right, like how often do you watch one of those nature shows and you see like elephants Well, this is not what planet of the apes is all about like similar they evolved to the point where wasn't the new one like experiments

4:00 like good no production value no money for special effects, incredible show. Yeah, they had giant bulbous head. There it is. Yeah. Yeah, they look like Herman Munster without the hair I don't think it's actually eating your own kid consuming while they were in the womb I I believe, obviously I'm not a doctor. by a cat. Immediately, yeah. One of the things that people have to be very aware about North America.

7:20 They eat like half of the babies that come out. Like, it's a system. like if they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds expand, and they start eating all So beautiful. Jeezu. No. They're such a similar animal. Wow. encamping and you heard an elk bugle and you didn't know what that was, you'd think, oh Yeah, that's kind of haunting and scary.

11:24 The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female scent and they I don't know, I just have the thing. or vegetation, the cat is doing the smelling, That is a rap a rapidly rap. I had a moment when I was on Safari in Africa And I was holding the van, and my hand, because it was one of the few times in my life I felt like the stump we need to have an exit strategy. Yeah. And so he goes oh we'll be

14:26 God. Was this before or after the lady from Game of Thrones who was the video editor? I don't think they were acclimated to the open air ones because in this one it was cars My god look how big that thing is imagine that pulling you out of the fucking car. Oh my god And you drove through in a convertible? no one's there, because I'm cutting across the country,

17:05 I'm sitting there I'm a zebra. You could die of heat exposure in there. Or by Yeah. The flower, it rose up, rose of corn. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well there's the flower. It rose up. Yeah. Yeah, rose the boat. Did you run out of sounds? Yeah. but now you have to learn how to read it and write it. Possibly. I did two tours in Nam. Right? I have to do it about every 20 minutes, I do apologize.

20:25 Oh, God. Have you ever had one? Everything evolves in, as you know, through Darwin, everything evolved over in the Galapagos, she's about a four-footer. What do they do to get out get it out? Well they have and I sort of like it. For the tapeworm. they can get rid of those things, man. No, but what I'm saying, I've grown attached to Would they do an MRI or something?

24:07 Yeah, seems like he'd be really sad fish tapeworms grow to be 15 to 30 feet and Bermuda eel rats yeah they have that They have to have it. Have you ever had a tapeworm? It's an infection that you get on your skin. It's like a bacterial infection. Exactly. What? like you could die. Yeah, people die from staph. It happens all the time. What were you saying, Jamie?

27:11 Like it eats holes in people. Didn't last very long because I caught it. I got real lucky. I caught it quick. I was at an That's the worst thing. Have you ever had... Do you really have a tapeworm? I do. For Like a fucking hose, like a garden hose, just hang down. Not only that, those worms, those aquatic worms Well, I put it on the other celery. here, just get in there. Joseph. And give birth. Joseph, dial it down. I'm not gonna.

30:01 He was choked there. The only thing that makes sense. How long is it going to take to kill it? The bears that have it, it's so disgusting. I mean, how insane is that Wow? Yeah. They'll eat just about anything. They ate bear more than they ate anything else. all the better. I don't know if I can I share something with you? He was the father to Dick Van Dyke, and he used this line where he's singing, he goes,

34:29 hey fucking what do you mean well just had a real fucking tattoo Let me see that again. Let me see that again. Dude, this is not easy for me to talk about. The bear came a-lolloping over the mountain. Probably the bear herd you chew in celery. Does this involve another tattoo? Can a guy have adventure stories in nature? Yeah. I jump in, grab little Kimmy Long Wow,

38:50 Why would a Vietnamese kid have freckles? Like those Chuck Norris action movies, remember? Like when you were a kid, did you sneak into the movies? But like, those missing in action movies Because that's a fucking real thing, man. Like he was, I remember I went on a roller coaster But you were gonna run away you would run away Battle mode. like immersed yourself into a Vietnamese like battle scene?

41:58 No. No, the thrill is that you pulled off a difficult thing. Oh wow. Wow what'd the farmer say? No this was in California. And so I ate him just the other day. Ah, gotcha. War to me is like I don't want to have nothing to do with that. I would never know. Really? a good time. But it reminds me of a movie. Did you ever see this old movie with Lee Marvin? And I

44:51 else and they have the same fears, desires, passions and wants as you. It's a mental thing. Not only that labeling them calling them clowns and and denigrating them saying you're less than me because I like this and you like that more superior than the brown-eyed children. And she conducted this experiment for a week, playing tricks on kids well I think she was trying to dump she I get you're demonstrating

47:28 Yeah, if they didn't know? that they wouldn't believe that. Like COVID. It's frightening. that happened that was violent, and they're angry, It's gonna be a pain in the ass to swap it. Well now what am I gonna do? Just put it down. Well, what were we just talking about before that? You ever do that noise when you're making love? Let's hear your growl.

51:18 These guys have been pretending to be my friends, they've been letting me bite their fingers I would I would try to I like to communicate to animals in their own language if you can. He'll bark if he has to go outside, like if he has diarrhea, he'll bark. I bet it's just like I bet in a dog's mind He freaks out like I can't watch TV with him when there's thunderstorms outside he fucking freaks out he freaks out like I can't watch TV with him when there's thunderstorms

54:04 I'm like, I know you have to pee. Watch this for best, buddy. Wow. Be I had to bring him back in the house Wait, how old is he? Insane like four inch hail chunks you see his windshield shattering his back windshield Oh wow. We were talking about like things that kill people but they inflate numbers. Marijuana kills zero. It's not a good way to go. Okay.

58:14 Globally. the sky. I wonder if Kimi Long-Wild is going to get it. 24,000. Wow. 24,000 a year? Yeah. Have you seen what's going on right now in, where is it where there's these, is it Uruguay? Where is it where there's insane lightning storms that are coming out of that volcano? And it makes these insane lightning shows. Satan's back look look at the mountain Satan landed on the top of the mountain

1:01:01 But for real happen you imagine you get just your nuts blasted by lightning. Yeah. Just imagine your whole body like captured by this lightning I gotta say although the branches if and this is all in slow motion This is hurricane season there. Yeah. Like, if you're planning a trip to Florida now, like, hey, you know, you gotta check You got another thing coming.

1:04:08 But if you can go out on a stormy night like that, rain coming down with your magnetized A little term, Joe Rogan, called deja vu. Pete Well, it is undeniable because you're in it, right? Done this before have I done it before but how or yeah or or? I was going under a bridge, a pigeon flew out, okay? that I'd never seen. A feather fell off of the bird when it flew out.

1:07:41 I know a bunch of Scientologists and I had them analyze It did, believe me, and I'm holding one right here. Like taxidermy in their apartment building and that feather just kept drifting the way and just Could be. Did we have a choice that we were conceived? And it's just this is the way it's always going to go. You're gonna live the same thing over and over again.

1:10:58 For real? Profound changes that human beings have ever experienced in the time of their life You know then there's answering machines and cell phones and then the internet comes along and now we're living in a fucking Relatively safe in comparison to like the Genghis Khan days or the days of the Roman after that. Then we got a fax machine like 15 years later.

1:13:51 And at the time he was the first person I ever met who had a laptop. So it's like all the news stories of world events. when I was looking at Dave's laptop and I was like, wow, the internet is just gonna feed you the news the news on the laptop. You got on a tube and flew 18 hours to Australia? But it wasn't, you couldn't both talk, like if you and I were on a phone call

1:16:51 oh I love that shut the fuck up you yeah like those razor phones door I remember That was the shit. fucking shit. I could never imagine seeing somebody with one of those today. don't like and one of the things they do is like like if you look at, what was their most recent declaration, candidate, right? If you Google a candidate that's Democrat you'll get

1:19:57 elections. And Google is Android. They have to take a few steps to do it. Okay. I wonder how that works. I've never tried that. Have you ever tried that? send. What the fuck you piece of shit? Oh wow. What rate to Hertz rent a car? Hold on, be Yeah. You're live on the podcast with Harlan Williams. All right, wait. So here it goes. little bootlicker. Hell yeah I am. I could just FaceTime you and it would work instantly.

1:24:09 No. Wait, how far? This piece of shit. Yeah, forget it. I'm interesting. It's scary. It says I'm waiting to be let in. Aww. This piece of shit. Forces people to think you're a fool for having an Android phone thought on that? And they would say, oh my God, people in 2024 must be so smart. And then people will know exactly what everybody looks like.

1:27:09 like just talk like this, Your voice, your face, your body, They just change- Wow, imagine Judy Dent in a pool boy video. Bench? Time is a ruthless bitch, isn't it? They got a mouthful of lint. Oh wow. she looked like this cauliflower. But I had one of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. That's a one-time deal, right? I thought I heard that dog growling under the bed.

1:30:58 Yeah, well there was always Like a baby, a naked baby in the woods, Yeah, yeah, if you saw a baby in the woods just staring at you. That's pretty creepy. Yeah, holding on by its feet. Yeah. Like a bat. You ever go in the sewer? and wouldn't be able to stop? And so as we were, he was letting everyone off. Boy, imagine throwing up right when you come.

1:33:35 And then I peed right over my throw up. I don't give a fuck dude Did you do the thing when you barfed, like right after you just curled up on the bathroom Yeah. Yeah, hang out. We got one here. We got one here. I'd rather do the one at your house I jumped in Lake Superior once, and it was one of those things, I probably stayed in Most of North America at one point in time, at least half of North America was covered

1:35:57 do they get in the middle of the lake? The lake is fucking huge, it's filled with Well, have you ever been to a, like a farm or anything like that and sometimes they have do they have an answer to how fish got into No, it would be from north. They probably swim up into the lake and then evolve to become like these big lake creatures like lake trouts. Yeah

1:38:51 covered in ice, these things swim all the way up the river and then they evolve in this lake to Yeah. Fishing became very popular back then. But that was it so there was this is like you can't go up Niagara Falls. Mmm. That's true Realize that fish had to get into the Great Lakes But see, here's the other layer of this lasagna that we're not talking about. You're talking about

1:42:00 where it was such a desolate place that in World War II they had a German Nazi prisoner of Pete Yeah. Would you like a fresh some cauliflower don't you think something would eat them? It affixes itself on the fish and slowly sucks their interiors out. Look at it bite in that dude's hand. Yeah, that's on a lake trout right there. And then see the hole?

1:44:51 Wow across Lake Ontario. adult lampreys, lamprista, presto, Look at that. Well, it's true. Do you know that the Spanish... fish, when the shark eats, they'll catch all the scraps. So Spanish fishermen, to their ingenuity, they used to eat sea turtles, and You saw the size of the sucker on its head, right? So it would stick to the sea turtle Yeah, throw a leaf over it.

1:48:39 while people are doing it. Yeah, they're just like little dummies swimming around. I was just in the Galapagos Island Yeah, they're your wise pal. But like turtles, that's like one of those things Like, oh, bears are your friends, they're sweet. Yeah. I thought they were wise. Really? So I go outside, I throw a Rubik's Cube up into the tree. It comes back 30 seconds later perfectly done

1:52:11 I think they're the biggest of all the owls. And he goes, this is what an owl's death grip feels like. When it clanks onto something, Oh, yeah, well imagine what they do when they just snatch a salmon out of the water and fly away with it. I tree reading books. I didn't even see the problem with it at first. I was like, what's Great horned owl. Those are fairly big. They get a lot of cats imagine my little Chihuahua getting picked apart by that

1:55:00 If you hear this if you're who The aerodynamics of an owl, they're like stealth bombers. Nothing. Silent. Silent. database to work out everything like she's got on her arm is like a raptor except for the owl like like the Falcons Yeah, they're all trained. Some animals can't help themselves lions do it to hyenas. Yeah, but that lion did it to that lady in that car

1:57:39 and his legs are kicking in the air, I gotta be honest. He went out on his shield. No way. Because I don't like to think of us as superior to other creatures, but it just, that actually a good way to go. What about the other people that are there with you? have a heart attack. Maybe I'm even inviting you to come with me to do it if you ever find out that you're gonna die

2:02:27 know. Yes. And are your parents still with us? Is really, really powerful. Because we were outside and he had like one of those And then he sat down on the lawn chair and, like, fell backwards, like, it stumbled backwards. Yeah And he was terrified of that. He was terrified of leaving. after the murder. I was just, I just couldn't imagine anything being funny

2:06:32 when the cops broke down the door. good side. I mean there's no good side. You lose your mother and your father in a murder And she was, they hated each other.. And she was, they hated each other. share custody of your kids and try to set an example Yeah, no matter how hard it is, you have to push through. Was he your buddy like were you friends with him off set like you chum around and stuff Yeah, he actually took me up in his plane once

2:09:25 he showed me all these different areas. And it's like, he was a great guy, man. Sweet I guess, yeah. Damn. Did you feel like closure? Yeah, weirdly, weirdly, it felt with it's the thing that everybody wants to talk to you about because the whole that kind of ending, it just doesn't fit. So loft and cocaine. fucking rails everybody, that gave you like sort of like a low dose of MDMA all throughout

2:13:34 Essentially, antidepressants are meant to correct any chemical imbalances that may contribute Chronic users often require cocaine addiction treatment and treatment for cocaine withdrawal Sorry, dude, that's a traumatic story. That you would lose your mind that far, that you would shoot them in the sleep. He did a bunch of album covers. until he did.

2:15:56 from Saturday Night Live, was very loose. Like, the, like, he used to like to smoke a little weed. This was back when I wasn't smoking weed. they could read the spreadsheet of what you were gonna do the sketches on And it's all dog eat dog everybody's just trying to get to the top Those people, they sometimes have like and sort of rework them. it's like this constant need to have a bit about anything that you're talking about ever and

2:19:13 He stole from Kinnison? Yeah. I think he wanted to kill more than he wanted to be ethical. This is pretty clear that they're plagiarizing. She's not a president of Harvard anymore. And you're just stealing a little bit from this guy a little bit from that guy people are scared of you with new material they're always gonna be creative they're always gonna have

2:21:59 There's none of that, it all goes away. they do is they start hiring people to work for them. Like they'll have a television show or their opening acts would become thieves. If you wanna get by, this is my mentor. Did anyone ever approach you and say, hey Rogan, that's my bit? You know, there's those moments. Yeah, it's that little kind of poke the cage.

2:24:38 Maybe next time they'll tweak it, you know, maybe they come up in the green room then you're not creating new material. but you don't know how you're gonna extract it. Yeah some of my I gotta come up with my opening bit, That's a great way to put yourself under pressure. Yes. Yeah, I did it last, about a month ago. That we just called. Oh, are you reaching the bucket? Yes.

2:26:53 So Shane and I went up at the end of the show. Yeah, you pull out words, right? you're forced to come up with something funny in the moment, it's like, it's a good little you know, everybody's saying that you guys are a bunch of drug addicts and perverts and psychopaths, but that's just So in my brain I go, let's go up and dive on the sword, see if I can mine some gold,

2:29:02 just to see where it goes? of what we do is because you can deviate. It was funny seeing you in there. paper towels. What are you doing your dick? No, it's just ah I love you to death. Okay, I'll leave him on the table.