Joe Rogan Experience #2169 — Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience Yeah. Yeah. This season has me riveted. The Holocaust, yeah, I'm just hearing about that. No, no, it's China. Obliterated you repeated jokes like three or four times, but the audience You had a great set it was funny. We were watching and laughing. We were laughing no no no no no no no Pretty cool a drug and yes, I could hear you from the stage snoring

4:07 You would be out there and you'd be having fun conversing. You wouldn't even realize you're a part of it. what's up, I was just in Cleveland, and all the regulars go I know right they do yeah everybody should get the How many of those guys from like two years in are still in the business Who's a door guy? It's a guy who's there is in that spot? I was a waiter until it was like here.

6:51 They're supposed to only be female like a year or two after me and I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the same time. We started like Dane Dane was around back then and like who else Easy yeah, that was the show it was a comedy show it was yeah Yeah. Which was like, the Comedy Riot was the big thing back in the day the BCN comedy riot like if you won the comedy

9:46 So I guess he's still out there working but so I know those guys but that's a couple of Some people I think some people are still doing it. And also is that a good muscle to have? It was for Texas's, it was like fundraising for football. Oh! It was in a it was in it was in a concert stage cuz Brooks and done was the concert after I did like one word knows

12:48 There's kids here. There's fucking kids here but no you gotta listen to me do a bit about fingering there's a specific laugh where goes it Isn't it funny how sometimes, like, you go on stage, it's almost like you enter into a wrong cadence? Oh yeah. I'm gonna fuck with this guy. But if you don't follow them, you'll never get those tags. Just waiting to be called on. God, there's so many needy people out there. Yeah. They don't just want to see a show. They want to be needy. Oh, I've met dudes. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no a hockey arena show and this drunk guy did I tell this last I think it was possibly I was black this guy snuck behind like behind the screen so he was

16:36 I was like oh, he's up there. He was like hey. I love you They just like this should be a test they took that guy put him straight in a cop car Right. She's like, I'm laughing. She was doing it on purpose? It was the best setup ever. He's telling me what bits to do. I'm in so I open up with all the bits and they're all bombing It's Trent and Courage. You're your coach.

19:49 I'm not doing it. Yeah, and he was like he was cool about it. He was like okay That's what I want. I never did one of those late-night shows like it was like that just doesn't seem like or something like that and he was like, where that thing has just evaporated in front of our face. Boner. Oh washed up dead on the phone around yeah That's a smart move.

22:40 Bona was discovered in a heavily wooded area about a hundred feet from a footpath to the Yeah, it used to be fun. We'll have a gay time right and all sudden they took it just like they took the rainbow Oh, from the earlier, it used to be a bone-on in the 1940s. You drink you're drinking that Bud Light you get a boner, but drinking like 25 year old scotch you have an erection

24:58 But I'm a guy so I'm like yeah you retard Bizarre she could maybe go to the gym Hand-to-hand combat while you're fucking Yeah, it'd be nice. Take a fucking yoga class. Get in there. That was it. grabbing with your keys there was moves where you like take your keys you put too small. This is just you can do about it. to be able to generate force to hurt someone.

27:18 Yeah, but my friend Felicia she weighs like 135 pounds They know this side they get paid on the side while bodybuilding to like jokes in front of these corporate events those guys are getting like tied down It's not, him suck a cock on video and then send it to her and then she will tell him But so they hire a professional and the professional gets dirt on them humiliate makes them do embarrassing things

30:23 Piggy whoa fin sub human ATM money slave Pay-pigs the worst though. Yeah, he's not bad though I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching videos and that's what I want She's like like that. I'm like it's trying to stop you at any point. This is dumb. Yeah Completely agree. That's wrong for you. Fuck you dude, you're the one who got your fucking little gay ass eaten. Don't keep trying to turn it on me.

33:02 Like these humiliatrix people. Who are these people? Who didn't make it one of the guys to Rhode Island to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make it. and everyone, it's like, Do we need that? No thank you. What have I done and you just bust gateway so you gotta watch out with the finger. Jimmy call that up? They start you with the I knew that people were gay.

36:28 Goes oh my god. Can you believe what Trump did? up. They got you. They got you. AIDS? You got the St you son of a gay virus They got AIDS That there should be a warning Yeah, no, I engage in these risky activities filming this like butt fucking in front of a camera Well, dude Videos and photos on the internet anything fucked up that happened that you could find

40:25 I see how so do tell I don't know I feel like yeah, it's kind of feels like you're on a Well it's good, it's so well done. Send me the link. Stuck in dryers. Yeah, those are fun. It's a fun time With AI, you're not gonna have any of that. So then they're like stare up your girlfriend up and down Yeah, some people don't know how to turn it off. Dude, that's a third day thing.

43:28 That's why it looks weird when it comes out, but you know That's... those were so many many that was like the first reaction videos I'm still screaming. Yeah, they're sawing Daniel Pearl Doorway in case someone came in so you could stop them from getting through the door and they could pop the tape out in world just fucking some hot blonde You get one egg almost every day from a chicken. Hey that's pretty good. And if you have a dozen

47:15 I got a feeling you're not going to let me in. Because if it goes that bad, you don't want to be alive. Yeah, they're like hey guys. I survived like new slaves Why don't we deescalate? That's a lot of money. dangerous right now like Palestine, Ukraine, there's so many different places What is the estimate of losses in Ukraine? Klitschko is still alive. Klitsch, Klychko, and Lomachenko.

49:33 Oh yeah, he's not dead. How many people have died in Ukraine right now? It's not about left or right, it's all bullshit. They just try to do it from the left or they try to do it from the right. Right. state secret so the total is not officially known Okay, the deaths of nearly 25 Ukrainian soldiers since the invasion. Oh, this is a November of 2023

51:30 Do you want even look? We just stop eating that shit anywhere they did all that fun way, and then they got starved by the Soviets whoa racket that's that's Medley Butler book 1933 this dude retired just like he was shift to regenerative agriculture Leaving a lot of shit in the air, Where you did like one giant field of one crop and like all these animals in a

54:28 They're playing the let's see some returns game. Yes. Yeah, and meanwhile I appreciate what you tried to do It's massive it was the best place Really? I know nothing about anything. Yeah, just read have one headline. I'm like no guys. It's important. You got to recycle Well, that's not why did they do that? No, this is a cross across. Oh really? Oh, they did yeah, that's right

57:48 Wow. How sketchy is it though? about now with the immigrant crisis then Central Park I feel like you don't know A lot of them are uber eats drivers. I think a big one That. That's a big one on bikes. You can be an Uber Eats driver They sneak up on you when you're driving a bike home you know any time it rains are like Mexicans come bring me yes I don't want

59:58 City councilor, mayor, this, that. He's running again. Grover Cleveland? No. What do you think the odds are of Biden still being on a ticket in November Where at least I know I'm free and the bull jumps over the fucking yeah, it's the group 1923 and 45. Did he die in office? Woah It's like Chappelle Yeah They're really trying to hash it out Lincoln give like when they were doing debates you like six-hour debates like Shappell

1:02:49 Fire up that bull hitting that fucking lady Oh that guy's filming and then decides I should help her. on the hook oh my god she's she's doomed you'd see the thong the guy filming Oh Oregon! Wait there's a great what the fuck listen for the what the fuck Fucking leveled by the bull. Oh my god, that was in Oregon. Yeah, but the wolves are a real problem. They kill kids they kill people they kill dogs

1:06:38 You don't think about that there should be wolves Rifle the wolves kept rushing them Dudley more just imagine So what do you do? He killed him? He killed one of them with a rifle. The wolves kept rushing them. Dudley Moore. Just imagine. and he had like one arrow left. There well they what they did was they stood their back to a tree They brought in coyotes a long time ago coyotes here in New York City, but they're a problem, too

1:09:06 Is that the video of the alligator killing the old lady? I grabbed a fuck also dogs will go Wow. Yeah, yeah, that can't be the only way to kill it. Well, that's all these guys know. You can fucking cut it in half. What the fuck, dude? God, but it doesn't drink fucking old everybody's so fucking old we looked at the other day the founding fathers I was looking at my phone and it was RFK talking to like two birds on his porch Oh, no. He's got a raven. God damn it. He's got a pet raven. Don't film this dude. Come on, I like that. He's a falconer too.

1:12:09 I like him. Yeah, not this time. and damn you went old school you forgot what that meant yeah he's too young there Yeah, that's very well used to have fucking you put tin foil on your thing to make the signal come in better mm-hmm Time ago man. This is in like the 90s this guy had a giant-ass dish in his backyard that you could take in a backpack. Like it's like the size of a laptop. So anywhere you

1:15:43 It was the Amazon. Yeah It's gonna you give someone a phone give him a connection let him know porn drill Oh, there's a bunch of old porn that exists like in like ancient Egyptian porn like hieroglyphic porn It's not really like porn is that people boning in that picture Erotic papyrus oldest known depiction of human sexuality there you go. That's a depiction

1:17:51 No, that's nonsense. In other jobs folks in other jobs Thank you very nice way that cold ones dude Joe's I saw that my dick evaporates of course It's awfully cold. Oh my god. What's going on there? We're gonna come back. Freedom what do you mean AI is gonna govern things or Yep, no matter what they've been like this is it this is the end this is we're done

1:21:48 Sucked. Had a couple of cocktails. That's Ron white tequila. I know I'm trying to run word stuff. He says there's no one. I I say it. No that's not true. He's lying to you. I agree. There's no hangover in this tequila at all. That's not true. It doesn't even drink. Ron doesn't drink at all. Oh it's a miracle? It's an elixir? Yeah exactly. Major elixir of life. So Joe said he said it heart to heart with Ron White said you gotta switch to silver tequila it'll change your life and he goes it did change my life and I'm like, DeRosa, you're an alcoholic. And that changed your life. DeRosa fucking, don't you dare call that.

1:22:58 because he will stop drinking with me. You can go grab them go run out there. I don't lose anything. I bet you have to pee I got nothing no Yeah, you want Ari's you want you want to wear Ari's? Thanks. Yeah that's not very fun it was not I agree it was not very I didn't like that oh It's just didn't smell as bad as Lewis's. I heard you liked them. You said they smelled good.

1:24:58 in a Tupperware and fucking Hate crime stats even though it's just no we were mom shit. Anything like that like well That's a nice. We were out and then we would drive the van Oh no! Heine, heine, heine! And my dad came out in a robe and he had like a Nam flashback Remember how much snow ruled before fucking gay ass global warming Real thing yeah secretly Wow you went with no music

1:28:04 What is the issue the world gets hotter? the amount of it is not that much. I don't think it's the major issue. We know we're having some impact. Oh that's just January, you're looking at December. 0.2 in 2011. No 2011. No, you're looking just a month. The totals are on the right side. Oh say I'm sorry We're talking about they just built 200 new coal powered plants.

1:29:39 So they're like the size of an apartment building. Within like a 30 mile radius and these people's cars have like a thin like black sooty layer on them And there's so much coal that the coal stayed on fire forever. I don't get scared The never ending fire. 40 minutes north It's so nice to be it out here grilling burgers was he had like a photo shooting a fake thing

1:32:57 Those are good dogs am though see if you can find a more high resolution photo as you zoom in I Goddamn communist. You see condoleezza whatever than the vice president is no whoever the way Kamala Harris It's like when you think you're killing at the mothership. Jimmy Kimmel doing that thing with Barack Obama and Joe Biden I'm now lost all his hey, I'm friends with Obama cred bro. He's always

1:36:22 University kids behind them and push a push a progressive Behavior towards a female partner including violence course of control and if this doesn't involve mushrooms I think he hit a guy. I think a guy, his ex-wife was dating. You know what else is a shit? Tacoma Oh, yeah, people would play in music and shit and so the DJ would introduce him Might have been both of them.

1:39:22 but I'm walking with Dave up to the stage and This is, how many times do you get on a drug. Like this is, how many times you get to see One of my favorite comedians It was a super for those people it was one whole minute, and then he points the mic he goes oh so I'll see your cell phone light. My favorite of those is hosting at The Cellar. And he goes, what?

1:41:49 That's right. It was a great set. You're lying. You're lying bring her show we sold the tickets online on Twitter in five minutes And I go you want to do it tomorrow night you want to do it tonight. He's like let's do it and we said, we're gonna try two shows a night. and it just hasn't at all. They're honest with their laughs too. They know when you're not

1:44:38 No one gives a crazy response in Joey Diaz when Joey Diaz went on the other day literally people like Comedy's in a crazy space. Damn, well the Brady roast is like, That's it. I'm like, I'm cutting a hole in We have Brian's Brian's headlining. That is the end of the night. He used to be just somewhere towards the end, but still like second, third. How about that one that the bull ran out to?

1:47:51 Norman you're not even really Jewish right now No, sorry you don't drink on the front you don't drink out of no you don't all right drink out of the hole Yeah, you fucking idiot fair enough. You need you doubted though. You doubted yourself for a second. I did yeah We're still number one. We're number one. Suck it, England. But not everybody looks we going to get in that bunker.

1:49:56 I don't know, dude. He'd be hurly sneaking off for food Too late. Set you free this is my plan I was gonna cut it as a drafts off, and I was gonna barbecue it Come on. Just go back again. Go to the bathroom. You know who's got to touch these J Moe has to touch that yeah The Sun's out you see those guys you go holy shit Probably anyone else is pissed in a jug.

1:52:59 That's right, you did. Yeah, he's got you who fucking During a podcast is crazy Three of the top five pool players in the world. I'm like hey, buddy. I'm out of here Players over here, we're having fun. I already came out stumbling. Yeah, you doing man I swear to God that club's alive. years, it's got a feeling inside of it. No, I'll tell you the whole story off air.

1:55:22 I like that idea. And also the idea is like you're always gonna be able to have like top-level comics coming into theaters I feel bad about the scalping okay. Well. I don't do that. Here's one thing that I don't do Somebody scalps it and sell 100 300. Yep. I get 300 If say we wanted to buy if you wanted to buy a hundred tickets to my club fuck, I flew all the way over here, how much?

1:58:16 I know who you are, and then you get to buy two tickets, I want to make it the best environment for comedy and not lose money, and that's my goal. Right. Yeah, it's popular. You think they would do something about the scalping bro. They do all those You just have to make it so that the people have to show their idea to get the tickets You ever had a hug when you haven't had a hug in forever?

2:01:37 I think that's when people don't do that with their kids like god damn trying to talk for my kid up hug life How old were these people? When an old lady hasn't gotten a hug in a while and you give her one and she's like, They're there now. You gotta do it. Yeah. I think we started hugging afterwards. Yeah brother. Freddie Soto like a logic behind it. He's like

2:03:43 Yeah, Ian always cause I am so like I just found one black guy. I know it's cool yeah, but he was like family was that family. Yeah, you know he's called I am so black guy. You just found one black guy. I know it's cool to have one black friend once in the Twitter days it was it was right we were taking off the two glasses on look at me smiling that's a beauty

2:04:40 you landed to a thousand cocks We're back we back happen yeah we're They're fucked fucking shitty bed and then you had to turn into a couch because the living For real. And they just start popping out. So disgusting. Fucking nasty. Beagles can be trained to sniff out bed bugs rise to the surface And I was like oh cute beagle and then the fucking border patrols like shit

2:08:48 And they'll take it off of the wheel and they'll stuff coke in there yeah you call us no idea how big he is he'll do nothing American oh that's that one He put him in a chokehold, let him out. No, the middle No Rolling stone thing he did a rolling stone interview And he started saying the worst shit ever dropping and bombs and he said please print the worst article you can about me

2:12:20 Then he facetimed me a week later and was like there's a fucking deer here And he's holding a deer, he's like, The flag is on the back window Mmm. Those guys are kind of see it on the truck there on the back of the truck on the bed The Nazis were kind of friends with the captives. He was an idiot. know people needed a laugh or worse like right yeah first episode 65 so why and

2:15:58 And they got addicted to making porn with like random ladies, and then his partner killed him pretty cool he got a lot of shit cuz he's a Jew yeah all right right right Making them laugh I think so. Well, if you can have AI actors now, you don't have to have kids doing it anymore, so the You wish to make sex kid robots that explode Even if they don't explode, you dick cancer take that beard Fogel

2:19:22 You and your boys can just go in and they might execute a lady in no no care, I saw a Biden speech where he was like bragging, too sad did you not see the fucking Joe nut Eddie professor he was brilliant regular stuff that's like deal with his like his nagging wife and he was like Easy bake. They did that with there was a movie that just came out zone of interest that was kind of like that I'll honey. I'm home. Oh my god a British sitcom written by Jeff Atkinson produced in 1990 was cancelled after one episode

2:22:41 What a joke you must be real mad at me, honey. They're pretending to be German, so they went American. Damn, was that I got it got I would love to see someone in that meeting Yeah, most kids don't want to work their ass and to be in the fucking best ever best ever a pop off Yeah. tell them all those kids who knows who's DNA was black yeah it was in the fucking No, they look like a white kid. They look like white kid black dude

2:25:26 That was about his dad. Yeah, yeah, he would get literally get anesthetized because he couldn't sleep It a high pitch really you never heard castratos. Oh, there's like one video or one recording invention so you put just punch it through that didn't go through on shark tank It's a cold beer. It's so uncomfortable. These are great. You put your keys on it.

2:28:36 Nyeh. Nyeh. Leave his honker you could snort some blow with that puppy. I support your honk You know they have legal weed, they have like that Delta 9. Lighter weed. They don't give you 32% weed. That's like not crazy hard. Interesting. I do it there now? And eventually, it's going to get to the point Ah. I did do it upside down. And all my heroes in the methadone clinics.

2:32:00 Yeah, they want to hear those old stories I did that once. Dice was the, uh uh the comic there. I had to open for him and they're incredible like it's part of the fun I'm like, no, no, I'm just saying I'm your opener. Oh yeah, that guy's like... He's got that nice club in Vegas. Wise Guys is a club there? No. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it don't say that okay. Give it a chance later

2:34:53 He went and no one knew who he was. of these magical sets, annihilates, great night, he gets offstage and she was like, We should check I don't think Stan Hope would be upset I got a couple numbers, but he also doesn't drink like that come on Where, Vegas? He was with me. So we're just drinking every night and then me and Sam took mushrooms and the whole time every time you talk to Stan

2:38:47 But also Stan hope can be mean drunk really oh yeah, but Gary will be sitting there drinking then out of nowhere he'll be like you're fat Awww. You piece of shit. But Meatwag, no. You two fat fucking losers. Yeah, I don't know what's going on with it Or it wasn't home. on those day drunk things. Of course. The first time you feature was 2016 and eight years years later you're the biggest comic in the world

2:42:01 The only one you couldn't conquer. I think that's with everything. There you go. Yeah, really. Looking for a door guy doesn't exist Just talking about you cuz we're doing protect our parks right now and Norman just told some story about you being very rude to some lady And I said, are you going to this bar? that, well, we're gonna work the whole week together together So how about we have a truce and she said yeah fine by me and then cut to you after

2:45:37 I had her bent over with her head out the window. all, you didn't come in my ass. Oh my god. We didn't have a name for it, but Ari was trying to protect a park, so we started calling mushrooms and they had this idea that your dog ate your cat and you were Diaz is coming. I love when you try to convince someone or something, like, yeah, okay. Yeah, Doug's the boy. I love you trying to convince someone or something like yeah, okay? Yeah

2:48:24 Yeah, cuz they reached out. We just did Fully Loaded together, he's ripping every night. Oh, nice, nice he said about Chad. So I was like, let's go. He just did fully loaded together. He's oh nice Get the fucking camera out of my face. Is everything documented? Travel? a show and then when the show has a fucking actors writers guild strike you're fucked for like six months

2:50:36 I'm always like no fuck that it's so fun. Yeah, we were because I think cuz he over promotes. Yeah Let's just have fun. did that fishing is always a bachelor party I'm always glad we went one more Killer crowds, you go get drunk, then you get back on the bus to drive to the new gig. Let's do it, Fetty. Yeah. We're kinda doing it every weekend here.

2:52:45 Do like never before done shows. And I'm like, I want to expand. Frazzled get on the plane, Norman's You need another club though. It's too much. It's overloaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But with the idea is we're gonna do, we're There we go. It possible all the things had to take place. I'd have the Spotify money You couldn't go down to an outdoor show.

2:55:30 We sent a bunch of people home that 100% it was so cool. We had already started talking Shots of cool. Yeah, I had two espressos. I had three you can hold three years LAPD what they say they said don't it you can never do that LAPD after the forum show really Los Angeles Taking a stand. cockler Royalties. Rap existed when I was in high school. Rap existed when I was in middle school.

2:59:42 He's gay big gay you gotta get rid of those piss bottles When I started doing stand-up because I like I'd be like driving to gigs He's an animal crowd that fucking dude is so fun He's coming here in July. Oh, you're gonna be here in July and he's gonna look for houses That's more donuts. always coming man it's coming scary stuff someone's got you know Joey lost a

3:03:33 was like fresh out of prison and I was on news radio You know I he fucking he was this guy that like I knew guys like him from New York from are you pissing again? I was so confused. I don't know sports. I knew I could tell you obscure Muay Thai guys Angel Reese. She's getting pushed around. Boys, around boys time to get some food and But, five. So good

3:07:20 Whoa, whoa, whoa Oh shit What are you doing? In the meantime, yeah. Oakland. You know, when they opened up for the Rolling Rolling Stones the Rolling Stones were shitting their pants I do like the founding fathers looking down like, we did it. Limp Bizkit? God damn this is good. With the drawstring. Fucking 9-11. Look at that fucking crowd. Imagine having to follow this.

3:11:56 And he's just like 91 you're a punk oh shit he's got the squat go oh my god look at this crowd! Look at the crowd! That's fully loaded 2028 What do we got Coldplay? What's up, Biss? He goes shut the fuck up stop bothering them Billy Joel. Yeah, and he's like throwing his piano over I was eating dinner. Yeah, and a friend of mine my friend Brian, Brian Murorescu. He saw him and he goes like Axel Rose is here

3:15:43 He's like you want to come to the show? I was like, fuck yeah, I wanna come to the show. I saw him at a restaurant. You gotta pay me for this. Everybody was into the doors like I was in high school in the 80s and the doors were in the 60s Nice. And so. You ever see that documentary? Yeah It was a different sound There's like times in history where like new sounds emerge.

3:19:10 He used to work at and Hendrix was on stage, and Phil's job, And I remember he was smoking pot is back when I didn't even smoke weed He's working at the whiskey and Hendrix was on stage in front of him. He's like I was watching crazy from like Eric Clapton went to see him was like what am I doing right? What the fuck am I doing like look at this guy? It's like a kinesin. Yeah

3:22:06 back then everybody was so scared it was all dog eat dog that could only be one And Nate was like, so you did improvs back then? I think Dane was the first guy that did like arenas regular regular really yeah, well maybe dice And I'd call him up. I'm like what the fuck you doing. He's like well man. I fucking love it here Yeah, I can I never thought it was gonna be it's just like all of a sudden it happened

3:24:46 So I was telling the story, I go, Yeah, bro. Oh yeah, a ball mic. Weirdos. Advertiser it was nobody listening that's the thing it's like if you can just keep that and never pay attention to while you're saying it. And then I'm like okay. Don't listen. I Yeah, and cobs upstairs at comes and then well Rogan would go on and me and Joey would do for a while

3:28:47 No! We did one on the way. Go to jail forever So let's end this. I beat you on the piss.