Joe Rogan Experience #219 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. And they said that Thai coconuts are what you want. They all go fucking sour. He gives me the whole fucking coconut. and they deliver them to your house. C2O? What are you doing? when you could buy the big fucking coconuts. That's when they later on, Puerto Rico, Because before that, it was very rare that you see Asian porn stars.

3:07 The thing you can't just do. It seemed so innocent in comparison. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't even want to see that again. I remember this shit. Yeah. I just kept ordering Joe Weider. You had to splice it. And all of a sudden, and they showed this chick taking a piece of bread, And it wasn't even Wonder Bread. But when the film broke, I remember you had

6:32 And you have to fucking splice. Like, guys would get together, and they would show films of people fucking. Wow. And you sit in the theater You figure, let's go have a few beers. You go back to the bathroom and you take your dick out. What is it about sexuality The idea. Why is that so creepy? like sort of admitting that we beat off and i'll sit in there together oh no beating off in front

9:12 How the fuck do you get arrested for beating off at one of those fuck theaters? and you're getting upset because someone beats off the crowd? Plato's Ret Plato's retreat To the door Always got me about sex I would smoke it right there on 42nd Street. originally a strip club on that whole corner that was strip club world not even strip club on that whole corner. That was strip club fucking world. Not even strip club. Beep shows where people fuck in a circle and all that stuff.

11:06 I would see them walking off, walking outside 8th Avenue, That's their fucking freak. Because, like, you could go to some But one time Get the fuck out of here. watching videos oh yeah no drama no drama no drama you're whacking on maybe So what's the fucking difference, correlation in my head? A lot of traumatic, sexual type You can't just go there and like,

14:27 like free porn websites online. that information And what sites do you go to? You know, it's kind of like old style project but like kind of that kind of feel but like you know the first one is uh this girl who's 18 has a whole hand in her vagina and There's a lot of joking and gagging and fucking spitting on each other, spitting in mouths and stuff.

16:22 before you know implants like it was so weird seeing Playboy that always used to be all natural women curves and boobs and stuff. Even the fucking nipples were rounder. But it's just you see those women and you see the women now. But it is weird that we're looking at, those aren't really her tits. swollen. It's really Or button. No, that's a button,

18:26 No section. Oh, Ginger Lynn. She was 18. I didn't know that. I gotta find out about this. Zeppelin used to put octopuses. Oh, man, I got to see this now. It doesn't say anything about Octopus up a girl's pussy. And when people would come in with kids, I'd turn it the fuck off. Yeah, dog, this is a wild fucking movie. I got an idea. All the pieces were in place.

21:23 haircuts. If you saw her when she was, you know, with no makeup at 16, Some parts of the world, it's 13. I'm talking to you man to man. there should be like an age buffer where like an 18 year old boyfriend who's been with a girl since you know they were 16 and 14 should for it? A lot of hand jobs. Were you fucking ready What age do I think Can a 17-year-old boy fuck a 16-year-old girl? I guess so. Can an 18-year-old boy fuck a 16-year-old girl? Yeah, of course they can. Can a 17-year-old boy fuck a 16-year-old girl?

23:36 Like, it starts getting exponentially creepier. When are you ready? What a shame. You should not be doing a lot of things at 14. I handled a lot at that age. either he likes it or he doesn't. I remember hanging You can't do that. We would just say, Right. Yeah. I think, Canada, and then went to Michigan Michigan and now it's coming down to Ohio. they just pretty much destroy everything.

26:37 It's just attacking Ohio right now. And it's just destroying all these trees. down the street i saw this fucking coyote standing in the road staring at me and then he trots over eating rabbits, killing things all around people's homes. because I don't feel like they're going to attack me at all, They look like cartoon mouths. Look at all his fucking teeth.

29:16 Little kids get bitten by them all the time, but usually little kids are near their parents. try to attack my my dog if they can't dude knowing that coyotes can attack people like that i say we Like, can you eat a coyote? This coyote brain. No. It was a fucking mountain lion. There's this woman and she said, you shouldn't kill that monster that's roaming through the neighborhood.

31:51 A mean Here, chase this ball. You don't have to kill fucking everything. So either they're building somewhere they shouldn't be fucking building, or there's no food for the fucking bear. Does anybody know what a mountain lion will do to a human being You got something on your lip. You got darts, officers. I think tasering people is dangerous. You kick a garbage can, they're more scared

34:00 Schools of them crossing the street bear They found it on the dude's camera. As we got on the plane from Guyana, that was live footage there on television. Ooh, Powers Booth's a bad motherfucker. For some reason, the image isn't showing up, What's up, Joe Rogan, baby? This is a great fucking card this weekend. the crazy MMA guy that was always I'm very excited for you

36:50 controlled him on top, smashed him, cut him up with elbows. but I remember he beat Randy Couture, He's fought Crow Cop twice. But Cormier won that fight with his wrestling. And Josh Barnett couldn't take him down. I think the mental toughness that those guys gain from being high school, you look at just the percentage, and they're out there like fucking animals.

39:27 look who it is. What's his name? white wrestler in the world. And that was when we threw the guy out. And then the guy that was with him said to me, Kale Sanderson. Yeah, he's a coach of Penn State. Yeah, that's Kale Sanderson. whether it's wrestling or anything, boxing, And, dog, two minutes in, he got his hooks in this motherfucker. up and fight this fucking monster.

41:42 much about it. I watch a little they both have to deal with some pretty fucking stiff and crazy competition. Randy Couture, go through the The Lester's. Phil Davis. Even Eddie always said that. The one on Vermont, the one that just moved. two classes a week, but it's going on down there. Any style that you want is in Burbank. new king kickboxing school they got two Gracie Barrers.

44:40 fucking gangbangers, man. Fuck the rest. Like you know, this is Mike, I might want to just keep my hands up and stick a move. go there. It was a big culture shock thing It looks like a cricket at a disco. That's the thing that just goes into trees So what do we have to do? saying this started years ago with termites they eat trees they eat the roots yeah but new to you

46:55 Yeah. So get the fuck out of here. No. It does smell like weed still. flights, and nobody smells nothing. You don't smell the smoke on your own body. shit you're smelling and shit yeah i go to my mom's house. I have to go by a good half mile where the whole air is just shit smell. What do you want? ah, did Gene Simmons do? but he's probably done They started wearing loafers with no socks.

50:25 fucking white car. slap that dude? Yeah. Will Smith could have bad slapped him. and Burt Reynolds pushed him. and Burt Reynolds was like, Is that online? where I look at him he's always smiling that's what I He beats the bitch. He's so fucking. He takes her fucking car. He beats the one cop up yourself Well, you don't know anything about the man? Well, then what the f*** is he asking?

53:43 A man who works for CBS. Oh, yeah. He smacked him. It was like so non-aggressive. I think this is fake. You think it's fake? That dude cuffed him. You know, saying it's fake, duh. expose on wrestling on 2020 and they showed So when I was going to grammar school, one of the Those dudes have some appreciate that, I mean, obviously it is The media wasn't shit then, my friend. Yeah.

57:14 Is it fake? and fucking kicked in the head accidentally Hard way to make a living, man. Oh, I believe it. He was up in Boulder shooting fucking banana juice. And I'll never forget, it was off-season or something. But he had a vein out here that lifted three-quarters of an inch from his arm. It was right outside of, before I met him, I met him at UFC,

59:39 Holy shit. This guy's crazy, though. suspenders whatever the fuck they are look at his arms this guy was pretty yoked him and the But are you talking about in the street? if you're in the Green Beret and you gotta go paint It's got to get you. Snap me to a Slim Jim! roided up dude handing out slim jams is he still alive is that guy still alive What is it supposed to be?

1:02:43 and not stop just get crazy crazy and go Hulk style? That's what you got to find. You can say whatever the fuck. He was yoked. He was a strong dude. No, not like that. the picture there was so big legs just to show what's his name Tom Platt's That guy would crack a fucking Ari Peanuts. Look at his legs are the freakiest thing, though. Ever. No, no.

1:05:20 Look at the size of him. Oh, my God. Not only that, it's also a genetic issue. Jesus fucking Christ. We're looking at a photo of his back, ladies and gentlemen, and it doesn't even look possible. But what's crazy about this, Joe, great. He's got no So that became the thing he concentrated on. It's amazing what a person can do. My wife. Oh, it will be amazing.

1:08:31 Saturday is the UFC. Richard Simmons. either way yeah hmm It's like fucking Zumba. I love. I think it's going to be the weekend for the UFC. that strength. So I understand what he's saying. So I really enjoy the one book. I have the one, questions for him and shit because Dude, we're becoming like a television show. His fucking setup is so sweet. He was out there.

1:11:42 You go over there and you get mad podcast studio envy. He's a great guy. She's hilarious. Talked about... Okay, right? and everything just stops. you something i had a great time in fucking col last week. And in Cleveland, I just want to say it before I forget. was crazy. We're outside. That garage shop The bar we were at is only open when there's a Pittsburgh Pirate game or a football game and it's across the street from the stadium it's called Mullins

1:14:21 for me like I was starting to hate to do comedy. And it was because I was doing too much comedy in L.A., Joe. or who's here with you or what you're saying. when you're on the road and you're talking to people some great properties, some great trees We see a thousand fucking cars and 20 weed stores and shit. Cleveland's rough, man. We went to Cleveland on

1:16:03 the sports betting service, they were the biggest collection of gamblers. Really? Like, in my mind, no, no, no. Ohio's always, man. When I used to work for the sports betting service, they were the biggest Big. You know, you gotta remember one thing, The worse the economy is, the more money people have to take a gamble with. Vegas is still booming.

1:17:14 and it ain't me and you, They just opened a casino in Vegas when we were there. I don't know if she owns it. I'm sorry. What's that called when you lend money and there's no guarantee? That motherfucker had it so bad in New York that he finally said, fuck it, we got to buy a bar. His fucking slogan was, I like my woman blonde and I like my fucking scotch black.

1:19:08 Like this guy was a fucking dick slinger. Is it CBS? Name It. the bar. They made him close the bar because People that live above bars. What a nutty way to live that is. In Jersey, you see it. I only know a few people Brody Stevens just got his first refrigerator, I follow home to the restaurants where I did comedy at. up the block from Manhattan Honda.

1:21:50 $1,800 a month. And she had a roommate. $1,800 a month just to one minute you look up being able to tell people if you're not living like Good? Is that what it is? And my name is Tom Petty. which is really a fucking apartment. Wow, what a beautiful building. that safe you crack that safe open there's a bunch of rich people in there i mean that's what it is

1:24:42 That's a big mousetrap of rich people. That's all it is. that's a that's a big mouse trap of rich people that's all that is it's a bank You know, how many dudes are rocking bodyguards? what does it cost to live there, Joe? they gotta be for sale. A million a year for a parking spot? It was a bold building when it was first developed They nicknamed it the Dakota because they thought it was too far away.

1:26:37 Yeah, I mean, it's a crazy place, man. It's too much. When I'm on the 405, there's a hive of humanity and there's some residual effect that you get from all these people. And like it's just in the middle of nowhere. You close your door, you hear cars driving by your street. life is supposed Why live with us 20 million He's got kids, too. Like the Ghostbusters?

1:29:30 Who cares? That would be the ultimate podcast Yeah. That's so beautiful. I wonder how many babies he gets dropped off. See if they left the fucking fire engine down. In New York City? Yeah, he's bought a firehouse. Yeah, you've got to fly down the pole. That's dope. Who gives a fuck? that have like penthouses there, Oh my God. You can put jacuzzis in there.

1:33:06 penthouse, and it was just I don't know what the highest building is there now, We were building a house. He had man-made hot springs in his yard. from one of the top cliffs Yeah, views are worth a lot. That was one of the best parts of Colorado. It's like you're looking at the greatest natural art ever created. You ever look at Columbus or Malibu real estate?

1:35:41 Who are all these people? for a long time and and like look at this bathroom this is like a crazy shower wow and uh they had It's pretty cool. But the website that that's from is called Illicit Ohio. Here's old amusement parks and stuff. Here's an Air Force Town. But Mike Tyson's old house, I wonder if you would be creeped out if you bought it That's Joey Diaz's crumpling in the background, ladies and gentlemen.

1:38:06 I mean, how much did he make? Isn't it crazy, though, when you see that story repeated over and over again throughout history? That's fucked up for the cops. He's going to do a one-man show now in Vegas. One-man show in Vegas. Would you be willing let him go What's the original guy that adopted him? Remember, they were guarding him for a while. Deep.

1:40:42 I just watched him against Irish Pat Murphy or something. He just had an... Everybody was like, whoa, we've never seen intensity like this before. And she had already before him falsely accused somebody. which is more money in a fucking lifetime You know, so I wish him all the luck in the world, He was always pulling over and teaching a kid how to throw a punch right.

1:43:06 forming sentences or anything. He doesn't have words. You're like, man, he paid But I think a lot of them don't know what the fuck is going on. fucking the head trauma. You know the fucking shots? and to hit somebody. Even when it doesn't But I want to know if they know what they're going through. he's been punched in the head 80 fucking times. For the 20 that he's remembered, he's really forgotten a thousand.

1:46:32 Is it just going to be like a weird little achy thing, like you might get a hurt wrist? Thanks. It feels dark. I mean, fuck it, I'm here. It controls your fucking moods. I'm just giving an example. What do you think? Fuck yeah. You know, how many of those can you take? 10 power backs of all time. Like he went to tackle him and he tripped over a player's foot.

1:49:45 Bam! It was just, it was perfect. You couldn't have fucking written this shit. And you're coming as the knee is coming up. So he's falling. As he's coming around, bam. What are you doing? Dana Dierman, we did this podcast the other day, and she ate a whole bag of that popcorn. not regular weed, folks. Fuck that, dog. I haven't eaten an edible you saying something about it while you were on stage.

1:51:38 What happened? And I ate two of them. What the fuck did you eat? He put those weren't regular cookies. I know the difference between eating like a cookie. What an asshole. Think about it. Pot's good, man. motherfuckers. They get raided too. Well, the whole thing That's how you do it? Well, not the stems, but all the leaves and all that shit. They take the leaves.

1:54:26 Keef. they beat the Keef off the weed. And you can have up to seven plants or something like that. I love you, Obama. Oh, totally. That's like 2012, Joey. Okay. And the next one's going to be half the size. Right, okay. I'm going to put the shit you drink in the morning, eat it, like you eat it raw, It's going to be like a Vizine. like flatter or just not as good that's what it is and it makes no sense like is is soda and pop

1:57:37 You put it in your bottle of water. When you were a professional alcoholic, that's what you had at your house. I remember when I was a kid, This is one of the craziest fucking stories ever, Did we talk about it on the show? They weren't selling it. or wherever we're taking it from. 2 000 kilos at 5 000 a kilo okay that's it we're going to do that to you and then they did that

1:59:57 So now they ran it from A to Z. They turn the other half into edible. Yeah. Could be, right? Oh, my God. Why doesn't the government sell it? We could use that money. It's fucking horrible. The things explode. The seeds. Listen, that weed's got seeds in it. We don like salt water. Oh, really? It's fucking horrible. Really? Where's the hardest spot? streets like the old days? I think if you had

2:02:29 And he went on this rant about how fucked up it is that marijuana is illegal and that people are in jail for it. It's a real shame when you see people getting arrested for it. he admitted that he'd used marijuana an odd casual way to say I am maybe a little now he has not left this to states' rights. And so Obama... would his life have been better?

2:05:46 He would not have sold books that sold millions and millions of copies and made millions and None of that shit. One in jail are there for marijuana. I just love the rant I know but come on well we're talking to you fucking do it. You're going to go to jail. $225. Because you got to pay the court costs they didn't I've never seen it. So what? It's a business.

2:09:09 you have to do a certain amount of time. You follow me? I kind of see your point, but I also see his because it's an important matter. Look, here. I got to put a thing at the end of the joint to be cool. At the end of the week, that's all that matters. Look, Joey Meatballs, calm down. You know what my favorite thing, Joe? So what are we getting at?

2:11:03 But for today. I was saying how Joey Diaz would get mad about ketchup. Oh, you have wings I'm very fucking easy. They're saying that ranch is starting to replace ketchup. That's the next shirt, alright? Please. That's how you motherfuckers... Ordering ranch I gotta go It's not quite sold out, but it's really close. It is Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joey motherfucking Diaz.

2:13:39 And Dom Irera is coming down. That's done. It really doesn't start until like 9.30. And DeathSquad.tv is all of Brian's podcasts that he produces. that's behind Call of Duty on the last one. right right these death squad honorary death squad you know we have like official desk squad honorary desk squad close just serious people. 8 o'clock. I saved this.

2:16:52 Ready? No, you're getting on. That's sweet. Whoever's showing up. Thank you very much. That thing went down from one to like 92. It's either you or the priest. If you want to find it. It's either you or the priest. I'm sorry. It's either you or the priest. We, but you know what? No, not the motherfucking priest. Just you or the priest, right? It's either you or the priest.

2:18:33 It's five bucks on payloads. And if they want to follow you on Twitter, it's Mad Flavor. He's still doing MySpace. Tonight. Thank you. Is it? even get staph infection and people get really sick from it. It's very dangerous and the way to all sorts of different natural oils Those guys are the shit. Thanks to the Fleshlight for before the show, which is why I'm so motherfucking

2:21:33 Hold on. They're my new sponsors. Boom.