Joe Rogan Experience #22 — John Heffron Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Now, to you, stream. Totally did. bell out the last part of some Or those stands, those are kind of like singer-songwriter stands. I mean, I talked about this with Tom Segura. There's cool singer-songwriters, I'm sure. one because I was on it one because I was on it. But Buddy Hackett yelled at me and I almost yelled at him back. I don't really know anything about him except he was always gay. He's like one of those Hollywood Squares dudes that's always been on Hollywood Squares back in the 70s and shit.

2:29 He was pretty scary. He used to throw the confetti just him and Hollywood Squares because I knew exactly No, that was a different guy. that were like the only two or three way, way gay guys, He's probably gay. and never get caught the volume on uh ustream's over modulating over because it's so fucking But now. Don't get me in trouble. The guy came out 10 fucking years into their marriage,

5:31 You know, that's a – and she – this is a working woman. and maybe every now and then he likes fucking girls. Could you imagine if you had to pretend to be gay all the time? Imagine if the only way to work in Hollywood was you had to be stuck in a situation where you have to pretend that you're not, you know? Could you imagine if you had to pretend to be gay all the time?

6:51 comedian that's your fucking thing you know could you imagine no holy shit you know we're very lucky and I went on a YouTube journey. gay muscle bears and daddy bears these all these these videos of I saw a site similar, an adult site that had comments underneath the actual porn scene, which just shows I think it's a generation thing. Yeah, that's what it said.

8:52 Used to have to get the Sears catalog. That's a butthole right there, fella. The one that I have used. Yeah, I think that one's like... If you're a masturbator, and I know you are, Oh, yeah. Think about that. Well, I'm just saying some t-shirts are softer than others. I don't know if I use that term. It was Mrs. Rogan soap, and it was for if you have acne.

11:07 It's like Pavlov's dog. They just bang each other. where you're like, the manager there quote unquote, because they were having problems it up, quote-unquote, These guys would just bang each other and shoot loads all over the fucking sauna. They might as well be nightclubs. trying to pick each other up. and looked at you I mean, when was the pill? then or or they were like kind of dudes now when you're just

13:54 Yeah, you're on the pill. My Mrs. Rogan gave birth on wednesday we have a new baby and uh But the horrible thing about the internet is that anyone can say everything. Those faggots need to get a life. this lady lydia lunch and i try to be nice to her but she got like super aggro with me and really TikTok. Today's Wednesday, knucklehead. Meanwhile, they were getting mad because we were talking about them in the flashlight.

16:48 but Joe Rogan looks like a typical dude Wow, dude, you're so tough, man. Uneducated piece of trash. You have created your own reality, and it sucks to be you. But it just goes on and on and on. All of it, 100%. That's all it is. few days ago that literally said you know i just saw your special on comedy central you were one I'm not saying this. No artist, no writer, no comic, no nothing.

21:09 Like this guy that I told you that I sent that email back, he wrote me fucking paragraphs. And then I went to his MySpace page and it was like a kid. cause like a real situation you'd be like wow there's like some negative energy going back and For sure. It's fascinating that there's people like that that for sure are fucking losers. and try to bring someone down for no reason.

23:22 because this is the best piece of unintentional comedy fucking ten times yesterday Okay. You're fucking ridiculous No it's too this is R. Kelly They love real talk. See, girl. How the fuck she know I was with the mother girl? No man have an assholes anyway. No, it gets better. On his jacket you would burn my motherfucking He's singing through a ghetto argument with his girl.

28:08 which is funny thinking of him as a... He was wearing... I don't know why you're hanging out with all them no-man-having assholes anyway. You might think he's stupid, but that was goddamn entertaining for all the wrong reasons, but that was goddamn entertaining. Love the fucking pause where there's no music. Did she say there were other guys there?

29:50 parts or something like that more than that like 24 parts it's a fucking dvd dude i got a dvd of All right. Drugs. Yeah. That's what they're with a movie star hottie for a wife, Prescription drugs. Just offering them. If anyone's giving out any Nexium, let me know. out of her pussy it tears her taint it tears the the line between the the butthole and the vajayjay

32:16 clean it up and all that jazz. Meanwhile, her legs are up in the stirrups and her vagina is a fucking scene from Hellraiser. No, he's doing... And then three feet below that is a fucking horror movie. And the whole area is a mess. Why do you say that? Right. to get the fuck out of here but i never get like uncomfortable i'm like i see i see this all the

35:23 Because the whole taint is is like It's like an octopus was living in your girl's pussy. I keep doing that, which is probably very annoying for people. Don't look below the curtain. You ever thought about shooting a live one into the missus and making a real one? I don't know how, but then I'm like, well, I travel all the time. I got that thing, whatever the number is.

37:19 I don't understand. I think that – Bitch, I'm on the road. and then not have to worry what if your fucking sperm gets all thawed out one day yeah power out There was a group that was trying to take I mean like when they made Dolly the sheep Dolly's fucking dead And the joke was like, he's the Messiah. But he's the Messiah. I'm following some guys on Twitter right now.

40:21 Their entire day is consisted day consists of arguing with people yeah, Jesus was an operating system, you don't have a goddamn clue about like you're telling me that the human eye is too complex so Meanwhile, they just created the first artificial cell. now we're still here how much more fucking advanced are we going to be than we are right now All that shit is going to happen.

42:38 Most scientists do, dude. Space documentaries are my favorite things to watch Carl Sagan's thing was he would smoke pot and that's where he would get his ideas from. And my problem with these documentaries does he have points? I listen to him, and I see the connections that he's making when he says that he's got proof, and we have the documents. He was saying things

45:22 And how he's saying it, it gives you the impression that they were right about what they reported on, but they're not. They just reported on it you know and how he's saying it it gives you the impression that they were right about what they reported on but they're not they just reported on it but you he says it's And another thing like – so I was thinking this the whole time while I'm watching the

46:27 I know for a fact that right now, AT&T, Verizon, everything are so on top of their game It will be in effect in the next two months. that statement alone that that he made in that documentary was bullshit and so that means It's real talk. So this guy is fucked financially because of that. like you're making out you're on the thing just pull it out and start beating off yeah and that

49:26 I was going to get into that too. and he's got his dog comes over to him and he's like i just like to go on walks with my dog i'm Listen, douchebag. A lot of people knew that was happening. a word that dude was saying. There's something about it. point of oil where it's the top, like the highest amount of oil we'll ever have in this country or in the world.

51:53 And they're all talking about different subjects, and one of them last night was a guy who was talking about oil and the fucking trillions and trillions of barrels of oil that we have discovered all over the world and that geologists know exactly where it is and that we just have to figure out ways I thought that was kind of, okay, yeah, I see what you're saying, but that's fucking dumb.

52:43 We require oil for vitamins. We require oil for medicine, for fucking food. We require oil for vitamins. No, no, no, no, I'm in my backyard planting a seed in the ground. That paint is going to be made out of oil. All right. I'm going to say if she lived next to me with a bottle of me. Well, what if she does to me with a bottle of seed? And what do you think

54:00 In my story, Because no one's going to travel to get that food to you with trucks. I went on last night to Wikipedia because I researched this fucking jerk. And this guy, I'm supposed to believe he's getting evicted? He's doing them now because of the movie. I don't like this guy. Ratted out our country. And he was right about the CIA delivering drugs into these bad neighborhoods and selling drugs.

56:18 with four tons of cocaine in it. sell them so he's right about that he's definitely right about that but this peak oil thing man Right. I don't know. Insane amounts. But I don't know if you can make all the same shit that you can make with oil. Not yet. I mean, you know that drive and you see those oil rigs? put up there a long time ago. And if you knew anything about that.

1:00:14 And Foxconn, I want to say it's 500,000 employees work at it, but I, Hey, there's, It's going to cost too much money. Yeah, but so what, dude? I've given up I know I can buy them. No one has time here to be making scissors. So for one thing, they only get 900 Chinese yen per month, which is about are employed. Apple Yeah. There was a billion people in the entire fucking world up until like 100 years ago.

1:04:47 All right. And then later that night, maybe four hours later, I see him sitting in his car outside of my house. He rings my doorbell. Who lived here April 1st? Yeah, it's the law. You want to give me your email address? So they lost like – I filled out one twice or some guy trying to steal my identity and just thought he'd give it. Anything government, man.

1:07:01 Wow. time all the time yeah i don't i if i can avoid valeting i never keep shit in my car anymore i sue them for stealing our stuff? Actually, they did it. There's a really cool video of you. Yeah. I've seen that. No one drives in New York. It's very rare. comedy club i used to work out where you'd have to valet and every time I come back I noticed my gas was

1:10:10 Quit your whining? Yeah, probably. So when they get in this car, they almost feel like, who the fuck are you to have this, And I'm like, the guy's a rich asshole because he has a nice car. But I was driving a fucking suburban. someone that i know who's a an executive but the fact that she even said that yeah she goes yeah you're not even God, I love that movie.

1:12:48 Out of nowhere That we cover on this it's i think a lot of people forget like well me for a comic i was doing stand-up for what 15 16 I remember Jimmy Kimmel was talking to this lady once. Is that what it is? Like, she didn't feel responsible, even though she's putting these people in harm's danger because they have money. If that happened to anybody else, they would be in jail.

1:15:03 So that's why they're mad? Little kid that got famous and rich. But yet she's not seeing one going to jail at all. California is completely broke. What did you say allegedly? What do you know? I'm sorry Wacky Friday or Freaky Friday to a party slut. I piss clean five times. Like which were they? Like, you can't even smoke pot on the weekend if you work at Gateway.

1:17:45 I can't smoke a joint and go see Avatar. You passed the test. Really? for that do they yep you just put the shampoo on before your thing and it uh i guess kills all the You got to drink a lot of water. You know, there's a big problem with doctors and doctors You know what's weird? Yeah. Brian, I like your sexy businessman jacket. I had six boobs spending the night last night.

1:21:10 Didn't I buy you Wow Tell us all about it No You don't want to subject for my man. You'd have to be a serious cunt to be dating Lindsay Lohan. No, he's not, ladies and gentlemen. If he was, he would definitely not rat her out. You'd have to be a serious cunt to be dating Lindsay Lohan. In cans? what she thinks what's the fan expo that's a that's a sick fight let'sad. That's going to be fucking nuts.

1:22:56 but this guy, Sumo, rather than referring to it as a grand mystery? ridiculous we're trying we're're struggling. It's impossible. or you can just enjoy the shit out of this. no she's hot that's pretty easy she's hotter my ankle is hotter than lindsey lohan right now whoa No. You know who likes them really fucked up? The porn star suicide girls. and inked the magazine.

1:26:07 Is that really true? I think they did that before with somebody else. I don't think that's a good precedent to set. mistress okay which one were you the porn star or the one i worked at the bagel hut you know Those are the only ones that I know. No. anything man that's the thing you know a guy could say he fucked you you know unless you unless you Is that true?

1:29:03 larger. Dude, the pressure of that oil coming out a mile underwater or however fucking deep it is. Cat litter. It's funny. They were talking about straw the other day. Dude, the pressure of that oil coming out a mile underwater or however fucking deep it is, it's hilarious because he's just talking shit. I think part of it is they don't want to do that

1:30:34 and then this fucking thing hits them dude this is going to be an eco disaster that we have never You know what I'm saying. when we're talking about it you know you it's like it feels almost abstract when we're those fucking cocksuckers should be paying those fishermen right now. For all the fucking people that rely on tourism, all the people. No, when he, Kevin Costner, and I'm getting a lot of this wrong, but back when he did Waterworld,

1:33:02 We didn't know that they're going to use Kevin Costner's. It's supposed to show them really bad movies. water from the oil? to just... What the fuck, dude? I mean, this pump, it was pumping out insane amounts of oil, a day they were estimating was coming out. I like oil. They have a hot and a cold and just And we're guilty of it talking about this oil spill.

1:36:38 the fact that eventually your body's going to give up and quit and you're going to move on to What the fuck? I don't want to read it. no I don't want to hear shit son A lot of people were bummed out about the Sopranos ending, and I didn't have a problem with that. I mean, it's open to interpretation. I don't remember the first episode. Yeah, it was almost like a comedy it's like they

1:39:24 time and i was like oh my god because there's all these new things now that you know certain things You know what? But I loved it. I watched every episode just like it was the first time. Jack seems like he just gave up. junkie, he seemed to be phoning it in. Yeah. The whole journey was good enough that I'm not going to hate the ending because the whole show was good.

1:41:08 Boom. It felt so cheap to me that that was how you're gonna do it when John Lithgow was the bad guy I was like and he got this chicken a shitty rear naked choke since the first season, You know, for an ending? Yeah. Engaged her. The alternative scene. people are proud to be nerds. They're really gross. ultra Hollywood? what's your name? Very judgmental.

1:44:22 or you being judgmental because you know or it alternative guys, they don't like people who put too much energy in. It's fun to me. It's like some weird vibe for fucking months, man. and Rampage about to come out too they're gonna kill I want you to feel it, son. It doesn't have to be number one. it costs to make it that's what tanking is okay i don't know about how much money it's going to

1:47:08 with um the uh the the one with prisoners the george clooney movie fucking good movie man Vincent D'Onofrio. it's pretty badass though but it's supposed to be pretty awesome That's another one that makes me go, what is going on with the world? Look what they did to G.I. Joe. Iron Man's fucking awesome. They did good on Spider-Man. Like every single movie they've been trying to do just fucking sucks.

1:49:27 They gave fucking lips to Optimus Prime. Speaking of nerds, That's another one. I just fucked up that joke royally. Wait, so a guy just did it during his commitments. He's not getting paid for that. getting paid he wasn't these people didn't come out to see him get you know they didn't pay money I've read that on three different places. go to see that guy though you either have to be completely retarded or not have an internet

1:53:11 and no one who's got their shit together would think that carlos mancini is funny you know you it fucking sucks like you'll almost want to argue the opinion you know but it doesn't suck for them Or there's a lot of people that are into it. Or the guy shows up with the M&M jackets. No, this shit is going on in Alabama and Kentucky and Mississippi and they fucking love that music

1:55:38 The bull rider. You got to mix it up. Right. The door guy. Wow. Maybe he's a Wing Chun man. Yeah. I think i think that's right that's why you have that you you Really good. TLC? It's hard. bull that could fucking throw you off and kill you. crap out here let's hope we don't fuck up and somebody doesn't want to get paralyzed we took these people that had

1:58:54 They're looking at the cage. and the bull's hoof just misses her face like just misses her face it would have caved else so she was on the deadliest catch boat and had to do that stuff. And then she was an oil rigger and had to go do that stuff, then the log stuff. And she blew out her knee because she had to twist and turn and it was like a lot of dirt.

2:00:46 Did some cool stuff. She had to do that fishing thing, though. And out of all that, she didn't make any money? They can use you like that on television over a course of... there was a show once where they wanted me to go running with the bulls. Fuck you. still do that today Have you ever seen I mean, people get fucked up. was one that where a guy's getting it through the stomach and the bull's like lifting him through

2:03:34 There were so many cages that looked like the animal died, Were you blazed? There was one that they shut down. but then they're like not sitting like on, it was called the chimpanzee penthouse or it's okay for us because that zoo, Yeah, that's one of my favorite zoos in the country. It wasn't a chimp. I mean, are we really getting that much out of these fucking guys being locked

2:06:09 They're intelligent. You know, everybody thinks Bigfoot's all cool and everything, and, you know, you watch it on MonsterQuest. I want to see that Kendra video. Well, Hefner dated her when she was 18. Well, supposedly this video was before Hefner, though. No. Just re-watched Gone with the Wind. How old is he? their house and you just buy anything you want like everything's for sale you know get the fuck

2:09:09 There's some depressing motherfuckers out there. Dude, the fucking world is ending according to you, you asshole. search jump to conclusions floor mat office space and look at the photo and then google's uh whatever It's just like it's a puppy mill for future Danny Bonaduce. any of them. I don't even know And those sitcoms are stupid as fuck. 16 years old, giving a 40-year-old guy a lap dance.

2:11:30 means uh we've been doing this over an hour and a half two hours no it's two hours 20 minutes or John with an H? But if you're on iTunes, you don't know what the fuck we're talking about. We act out stuff. What the fuck are you We've got the sound down because not only do I have to get a TriCaster, It would be cool if we did it and it had space behind us.

2:13:38 No, no, no, no. It's a mini display adapter. we should have just is we can't have video. Why not have a huge It just looks shitty. Does it? Well, today we would open. thing now so we have uh the option of having these uh hd cameras broadcast the show so uh All right, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes we're blurry. the constructive criticism. Thanks for coming to the

2:16:05 See you bitches there.