Joe Rogan Experience #220 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! like, I mean, That dude is a motherfucker. He's a fascinating dude. a former pride champion, and one of the all-time greats. Do you remember Teresa Neal's joke about Michael J. Fox? the champ Muhammad's trying to catch up but he's like I got you Muhammad oh fucking Patrice was a I got that from that podcast that I was like.

2:49 But very respectful people, very nice people, very friendly. You want to go with me? Fucking in. Okay. I'm done. Why do you think it's I don't It's not gonna Probably never gonna happen You can go with me You wanna go with me? In June Yeah completely connected to nature i mean you look at uh how rio is with the favelas and the hills and i could be lifted off this mountain by god just see you bert dude could you fucking imagine that's

4:36 Because I always go, it'll never happen. something that could take a semi and float it in the air. Fuck. And you... That's a fucking semi? Down it comes. Look at that! tornadoes and and living in the just even the remote possibility that a tornado might hit your basement while the monster made out of wind rips your house apart like dude they had entire

8:01 it was the anger of the gods you know no wonder why could you imagine you don't these big storms but I don't know where the status of that is so I don't want to speak to that but It's like God's death squad is the tornadoes. Fuck. Let's wrap this up because I'm a little, my mind's a little fucking blown. so if you stop having never mind i don't know what i'm talking about this is

11:12 and you go, what the fuck am I even talking about? there's something i'm very similar to brian in a lot of ways is that like i think we're both very childish we're both they're called bifocals, asshole. electricity it makes or something like that forth really really fast and it's like, I was like, he just holds onto the rubber of the, uh because i i wanted him i wanted to see what would happen oh my god motherfucker oh my god

14:21 He was in town for work, and I only got to see him one night, and he was hanging out with us having us he likes to drink he likes to have a couple And it started off, you know, my dad was just, you know, talking like he usually does, you know, about how to, you know, break perpetual emotion or whatever he always talks about. If he would have got drug tested,

15:48 that's so crazy at least and watch my dad try to invent sounds like your dad might like might like meth better yeah that would be a fun drug for your dad I mean, is this like a patent or anything that your dad's working on? Your dad's like Mr. Science. little work space that he built the other day recently he built the whole thing he just like Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, my kids are naturally like I genuinely say my kids are naturally funny really Oh a hundred percent

19:45 everything is laughter about everything and then i think also that i have a group of friends that laughed at my youngest daughter my wife is trying to brag on the fact that her and my youngest daughter, I swear to God right now that is exactly what happened and liam was like i don't know where she heard that i was like If you're talking to a guy, with it doesn't mean that those words should be excluded. So I always get offended when people say that kids

23:00 There's a reason why in European countries, a lot of I think it's just a little game that your brain plays. Catholic school girls. different girls that went to catholic school and they were both fucking freaks like and when you're Ours was Cuban. and her dad won't let her fucking leave. and ty's like guess who came in his pants i was like oh man you fucking dick and then i think

26:13 would suck my thumb until she fell asleep and then like i would have a grandmother thumb you know So you'd walk around with a red thumb? not even joking and this is like literally why they're they're making this guy like live in a And a lot of it was like very controversial. And they open up on these people it is what it is shouldn't be bringing kids i mean it's like they're they're glee in being able to

29:26 He's a Avery? He's still in, I believe he's he's still in I believe he's in this there's some feminists that believe and i've actually written i've read this and had to go back deception but the sex was voluntary so it cannot be raped and just because is an anti-human. they walk you through the night you're like sounds a little rapey to me but but but but the truth is

32:50 hold of the word rape like sarah silverman and made it a joke and took it that's why i love sarah man And no one's saying that it should all be dismantled. I heard Chris Rock say something one time that kind of fucking, that redefined everything. live racist i don't know where i heard it on and he was saying no it's not racist but there is a it's and white guys love it more than any i mean black guys love it too but what happens is your

35:26 night live have more connectedness right they all went to harvard they all went to college a it was a cop or a judge like i'm gonna say he never got arrested but you know what i mean like putting his house i'm sure i'm not supposed to be talking about this why are you doing this yeah let's show everyone what I make. that a lot of people haven't done.

38:32 and he's like well then fucking start talking to me so you you hear other people talk about the him this is gonna sound good just some Celine Dion music in the back no stop it in my life whether it's one thing in what what my occupation is I just think I just do my shit. I play it all night long, and I just have it on repeat, to you talking about ego destroying ego with drugs with with with um getting into the tank and

41:49 on your ego what do you mean like what are you doing i'm biting my tongue and i'm letting myself is stupid so that's what i'm trying to do I'm trying to be more connected to people by my heart Not like real shit. And the idea, the word centered, I hate crystal talk. I hate it when I know that you've accepted this new age ideology. like i could fucking do yoga in the morning i'm not even gonna be tired for jiu-jitsu fuck you're not man some of those poses are really difficult and they're designed to like

44:44 as i am now but i mean i've gotten ton I was fucking as fat as I am now I am tapped out physically, my brain went fucking rachel and and he goes And I was like, we should go to dinner. No, no, no. Fuck a book. fucking fell in love changed my life i'm the happiest man in the world and you think it's school and then they went to my graduation like with his family or with

47:44 What were your wings my wings And I, from the time that I was a kid, I was involved in martial arts. I was still dabbling in it, and I still had my feet in all my other worlds, criticisms before like some of the biggest growth moments you can have was where someone just knocks university and i had a school in revere at nautilus plus that's burke chrysler samberg chrysler dude

51:03 put that picture up on your mirror and fucking get up to it? I'm trying hard flights of stairs you walk it's it's the best thing you put in your pocket you just walk around And then Brian got one and he emailed me. in order now you're gonna fucking pay for it when you're 39 yeah that's only a year away i know The alcohol? Yeah. I can say, I go do some podcast and I'll be like, fuck, I'll tell you anything you want.

53:31 Man, I've had panic moments on this podcast. yeah yeah it's fun girls drink it on sundays at Come on. They do. They have mimosas. And it's the reason I don't call sometimes when I want to thank you. Wow. But I got to thank you, man, It's because you're you, man. I appreciate that because I've said this to you a number of times, me to say that it's 100 how i feel i i think we're we're all real lucky you know this podcast has

56:51 you know and the connection with people like we did a show last night at the ice house different and it wasn't that fun to go to anymore sick but like tonight he's But what's changed recently for us a formula for doing that no one ever thought that there was a formula where you could go and ensure unless you're a cunt yeah you like good comedy unless you're like you guys don't funny unless

59:33 I'll listen to Dom's over and over. yeah he's a fucking monster man like everyone i couldn't you couldn't name one comic there i will say i will i will go this far is that i've become friends with uh the majority of people that have life yeah come on yeah we're very fortunate man we're all very fortunate me oh how to eat pussy oh maybe she's teaching me I don't know what I'm calling

1:01:46 he's not gonna call no but I mean you know just to be sitting there Old school. Not like you can't bring Joey. If it's like guys that I would want to work with, We should totally do that. everybody including me following suit now produces his own show edits on a laptop directs patrice's hour special elephant in the room was fucking awesome yeah that was really good and

1:04:33 Man, there are some Stanhope stories that I tell. about it apparently oh yeah it's like best i've never been there i'd love to go it's amazing i they have everything they have like veal brains they have yeah it's his last special when we talk who likes to be in the corporate world how many people are in there that are enjoying that not a lot that's just where

1:06:31 bitches need to be dug right yeah I mean I genuinely look up to those guys who Right. All the time. I totally fucking get it. different opinions on how something should be done on Fear Factor than it would be if Not well. I had to do it. I had to do two. I yeah how'd that go not well i had to do it off can you change that sure all right like whoa she wants to change where the is that just real like it was well the the but it was real like like going

1:09:20 your manager at one point didn't he like owe you money or something yes yeah he owed His list of being fired is fucking bad. Dave Chappelle. Whoa. On the Ice House when Dane came in to talk about it. Oh, yeah. right and okay so fuck off so wait this is exactly how real berry works okay so brian tell me about and then he just goes disappears in his office comes back and he's like give him get information don't give it

1:12:30 Isn't that crazy? yeah like i gave i did a prank call he got purchased by new wave entertainment i did a I'm a fucking comic. No, but he is. I would definitely say he's not for drinking. And like that table, that group of- So, like, he, and he had, all he had was just a bunch of fucking stone talent. So then we all go sit down and fucking, and fucking, fucking.

1:15:20 What? so, everyone's going up and saying words, John DiMaggio goes up and says words, Jeff Ross goes So I just talk over all of them. Buddy Hackett gets on right after me. And he goes, I'm being fucking serious. Smoke comes out. I just cavalcade up to shit on shit on shit. I didn't fuck with him. Buddy Hackett got mad at me. guy for sure well yeah my guy responds like that exactly that's how they did it but when a guy

1:18:48 And by the way, the judging, this was a Barry Katz show, too. No, I remember I did Last Comic Standing, too. That's so ridiculous. That's fucking insane. it's way less harmonious than you piecing it together on your own. and I'm not talking about my own production company. and I'm not doing Birth to Conquer anymore. fucking baja racing like i can do that for the day i can ride camels on the beach to a tequila

1:21:38 fucking roads. They teach you on a track. lose control of his lamborghini that bad and then when how it was placed in between the two cars He might have went sideways. It's weird that you said it, because i saw it last night for my first time and immediately i looked at it video that's super real because the guy the guy that watched the video car right in front of it and it's it's a real video that's super real because

1:24:38 happened while he's driving and filming and it was just too good of like okay yeah you got the had been you you would have gotten the shot perfectly absolutely yeah there's a lot of Yeah, there's a lot of douchebags out there driving like that. And at that age become a super baller and start buying up them bitches Yeah, a lot of people say that. It's got that crazy, I think they have like, some of them have V12s, right?

1:27:16 In the States, what are you doing? yeah, if we pay off the federales, you can drive whatever you want. You can't just it's not like you just run a Lamborghini to air out, but it's fucking fun did you uh feel the rear end sliding on you at all yeah because it was raining oh oh jesus christ in second gear it'll give you a little And sometimes you don't want to let go of the uh sometimes you don't want to let go of the steering

1:29:57 It's like 60% of the weight is in the ass end of the car Is he a calm fella that likes a comfortable car? No, he's, you know who he is? Aston Martin, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked your car after that. They're coming out with a new one. just get a well-engineered car just you don't really want a race car or anything i'll tell you what the best fucking car around right now is in my opinion dead serious like for the

1:32:37 And they do. thing about hyundai's is it's not like it's a car yeah you know they're they're reliable cars They absorb bumps. green lexus and his whole thing was how silent it was yeah so we got the car one time we're Mean Gary on one time. We love to God. He's fucking funny You know Mike Burton. I'll meet you at Burton and Henry's house, and we go, perfect, so we go, and on the way

1:35:37 Because Gary's not with us. And we wait for like 15 minutes. And we're like, he didn't come. Then turns back to us. Me and Scott Henry sat in the front. Comedy's not for everybody, folks. Let me just whittle it down to what I heard it was, okay? No, Krav Maga is like... It's more applicable to, like, getting attacked. arguments with the so-called like street defense people and like what we learn is uh how to defend

1:39:09 crazy shit going on right here you're not grabbing me and just holding on to me that's nonsense because most likely he'll knock you the fuck out before you get close enough to do Because you're not really doing them full blast in training against people who are resisting. and it's a very effective system of martial arts. You worked with Marshall at the Laughing School?

1:41:13 But he's definitely, he said that exact same thing, that you've reached a physical proficiency when it comes to defending It's a different, that guy's going to own you, and it's a terrifying feeling to get And he was like, no, this is what I'm doing. Most people who know how to fight are fucking pretty calm. by disappointment in your own personal life and existence and whatever frustrations that have been

1:44:07 Pasadena. Brian, what's up with that? You've never been around a girl that likes to fight no my wife scary shit ever 100%. No, no, it's not. Nothing about violence. Seriously. Ustream has some sort of policy. Oh, right. Mr. Redman? He's known Barry since he was a child. And Bobcat rented it when he was like 16. bob it's m-e-a-t bob and it's like hamburger is made out of a hamburger or something like that

1:47:16 say dynamite he's like I don't like to do it yeah but that would be weird I don't know. that he's got coming out? American so he's going to deal with it. And because of the suicide note the kids writings become popular wow and the dad is doing all the I'm just kidding who tuned in this week seriously you know what Or we keep our Fridays open so we can go out to the Olive Garden.

1:49:52 It's going to take a couple months. What does that mean? Let's go look at that property, Joe. Enter in the code name Rogan. Come on 7. places so we get bodyguards. due by August 1st I'm working on everything. We're ironing out all the details right now.