Joe Rogan Experience #2202 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. One of the best ways to tell hiring, Zip Recruiter excels at finding qualified candidates fast. And right now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash rogan. Need more hot takes? like, oh, this is horrible. No, I think it's stupid, Arms don't break when you're here. It was after, we did a show in Louisville at the club.

3:27 I mean, I know you're strong, but I was like, No, I think, I mean, there might be a little bit of that, but I really think, I was looking at him like, you want to arm wrestle? Like you're not even Like had to go to the hospital, say goodbye to your friend, you know? you're so stupid. And I remember when I was talking to my dad about it, or has that guy had other success in life

6:48 You always kind of crazy it is kind of crazy Yeah, Google it, Google it, because this is something you'll actually find on Google. It's like it's assisted suicide in Canada. It was 20 years ago. So what does it say in terms of the numbers? That's pretty wild. That's a great tap out fucking option. Yes. It doesn't matter? That they wouldn't take that option.

10:03 I don't know anybody that's done it with the exception of Michael. I don't anybody that's that's done it in Yeah, you know for some people they don't think it's ever gonna get better. take you out, have some laughs. Like you get older, I'm saying, Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's not that's not a path to fulfillment is displaced I forgot. And then last night, to me, when I was like, oh my God, this is Jiu-Jitsu, where she was

13:50 100%. 100%. instead of answering, she would just say things They've never seen a deal like this before. like you've got these tiny little windows and you should have all the words ready for those windows. He started out no repeating things And you know, you just watch them. Well, that's a panic. This is a former prosecutor. She's like don't fuck this up. Yeah, they're gonna come for you. They're gonna use this against you

16:53 He kills like a comedian don't like the guy still will have to acknowledge that he's funny. He's funny He was the president. like the figurehead of the country that you identify with But I don't think she was even gonna have a chance He grabbed it by the neck What is that? fucking awesome. But hey, maybe when they do stuff that's bad, you should put them in

19:46 This is all that plays to. and debit cards and food stamps, and let them come in, Yes. Diplomacy and what's happening internationally you hear that you just go. Oh, I didn't know that right Which is just going, yeah, I've changed on that. No, no. That's all good. an it's an earpiece like you can talk through it no yeah yeah so someone can action that's pretty fucking interesting.

23:12 If you have the real thing, do you wear it as an earring? There's a video Make fun of smile smile. He's talking about eating cats Yeah, it's gonna be it's gonna be nutty, dude It you can get it off because the ABC people aren't aware of it. Whatever you, wherever you stand, politically left or right, you gotta respect what she They've done taking someone that they all agreed was not a good vice president was the least popular vice president

26:30 North Carolina And also vote in person with a fucking ID. There's only one reason to do it that way. What's going on here? Well, because they already have your vote. They've already tricked you into voting Because you're saying that these people are too stupid to get a fucking driver's license. Yeah, everybody has a goddamn driver's license And the more people you import into your county, the more you can change the demographics. But these county lines make no sense half the time

29:02 Then it comes to the whole thing with RFK, if the same people with the same ideas played fair, if the same people with the same ideas played fair, We're so far from that that people don't even give a fuck in a time of the internet because the internet is so fun because there's so many regular No, he's got it. He fucking nailed it. He nailed it. It's a bad way.

31:22 that he was like a year or so ago, But it's not good for anybody. I try to not you and me. Confusing. Oh, yeah, it's a mess like All day long. a girl's tit isn't, and somebody leaving a comment because they had hardcore porn. There was always hardcore pornography, but if you misgendered someone you'd be banned for life. Yeah, that's so and then fucking buy, and they're like,

34:50 A lot of time it's like 2024 Mercedes Benz AMG, that thing would get taken down. Yeah, and and the war footage the drone footage Really? that wasn't a thing in Vietnam or World War II. Well, this is the first time that's ever happened in a war. Like I watched this one where this Russian guy killed these Ukrainian guys that were in like they're in a trench

37:43 Being arrested for being a serial killer and I also go to, well, I go to bed and I always put on biographies. Yeah, but at night before I go to bed, it just gives me too much room for crazy thoughts or before 9-11, like no one knew that was gonna happen. Never, and never. It's like a six or eight part series. There's color footage. has really been done before.

40:46 involved in this war, you do have a country with thousands of nukes. You just don't know probably facilitated by the United States in 2014 and just like fuck man like all this that they had like seven bombs, but of course they never showed that hand, it's just over for both of us. Sure. it's kind of unsustainable. This is it. money. What was it called? What's the company that they had the malfunction and then airlines just stopped for a fucking day? Yeah

45:09 But what my friend was like, he brought up that malfunction. they just hit a button. Yes, call up and we'll have that car shut off sure and that person on the highway and it just pulls over for them So they can only do it once it's off? The vehicle's parked and turned off, same thing. resulting in the arrest of Misha Wackaman. So maybe it's something that you didn't really do Maybe you're a whistleblower for some chemical company that's done something that's illegal and then

48:01 Yeah. yeah, what about those people that Yeah or every time you Google something, It's insane. I was with my tour crew about, in this conversation with our phones out. I mean I figure like I know that we've all kind of talked about it Okay, what should we talk about? that would find out? that is the minor leagues of the minor leagues. Because if you thrive in high school baseball

51:50 Okay, now let's see. I think. Whip those dudes can whip that ball. So what is the fastest anyone's ever thrown a fastball? That's a great question I mean, it's let's guess definitely. Okay, that's a good guess and I definitely don't know Like it's just like in tennis. So I was trying to really erase like in Major league baseball from the search if I could what's

53:54 So 105 is over 5.8. Yeah What are their speeds? What? Bro, that's bananas. I got upcoming fights. But you know be interesting though is you check back in an hour, right? That's why I said high school baseball. Cigar humidor. built a room he's not trying to get away from his wife he built it like a store Yeah, it was something light. It was nice. I'm also like a bit naive as I haven't partaken that much before.

57:49 And the next thing you know, it's four o'clock in the morning your own bed. It's fucked it fucked me up it's really good for workouts, is this? Yeah, but you changed it. That makes you you gain a little weight from it that I think you're storing more water. So you have a bad night of sleep It makes a difference in your workouts. Yeah, that's more recent.

1:00:37 when you just have like four or five hours sleep drops off a cliff. You know, I notice I had a really poor night's sleep like a month or so ago and I was going into my And I took a stimulant Great night's sleep really I could not what's the come down like not that bad real now it was apparently Yeah, it's pretty incredible I That's what that book's all about.

1:03:58 Well there's that. Makes sense. and people on meth run towards the cops. they see cops and they're like, what's up, bitch? It's interesting. He just didn't want to roll his window down. Yes, sir. two, yes sir. You could tell, the one in particular felt like to me watching it, that he was, maybe it's also it's like it's nuts both ways right it's like roll the window down

1:07:03 Just drove the new 750s. It's fucking phenomenal and I had somebody in the passenger seat, like I wanna turn this in right now, I was like, it's crazy that you can just buy this All right, that's like 200 grand, right? What's a ZR1 the new one? I don't know. I don't know the price on that That's so much power for a car. 129. less than that. Oh, so they haven't really got the price out there yet

1:10:33 So the gauge cluster maintains in the center of the wheel. That's Bugatti, you know, but look at that fucking thing. Yeah. No, they're sexy It's probably five million, but you probably can't even get three point eight It's incredible. That's incredible, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Look you don't buy one of those unless you really want to get rich get an LS 500 cruise around in style no one's gonna get mad at you people yeah

1:14:31 Well there you go, so he's got a four million dollar car he's got he's got two billion dollars. Yeah him and his husband How's he mocking him? This was probably separate from, I remember when that happened on Twitter. I don't, I It could have been, but I don't think so. through his venture capital firm, The guy's makin' it. I've heard that my favorite is my slowest to which one GT4. Yeah has that demand upgrade

1:17:28 fuck 300 horsepower and it's just a thrill and you just it just makes your whole body tingle yeah it's like exciting that is to me the most fun thing Yeah, and how often you do that? that's the fucking thing is that like you tell I think yes. Yes, somebody in the greater Austin area don't amazing. Yeah. Right. It's like that's what I'm saying. It's like it's not about Even in a Miata, just going around in something fun, small. Miata's are amazing for the track.

1:19:39 No. and zero to 60s and quarter miles. Isn't that crazy? What's that blue shit? I think that's just Let's go. No, you don't. I love watching him drive to he's he's fucking he loves cars we have to stop pushing this. And then they killed the show. He's so fun, he's such a good guy. Like you're you're so good at automotive journalists. You're so fun people love watching you

1:23:33 Why? So like if you get the newest GT3 RS and Chris Harris is reviewing it Yeah Matt Farah does a great job with that, too. Pretty cool, they're fuckin', it's cool. Is that the S-H-E-R-E or is it that? Yeah, that's it. Okay. Ooh. That's it, yeah, that's it. In and it's like it looks kind of like an old 911 turbo different one this is just a how many years ago is this 22 okay this is the

1:26:54 911 turbo from like whatever year that would be like 1980 or whatever the fuck it was They don't get prettier than that. They just get different and then that dark cool metallic green like look at that thing Model before right those were more expensive for them to just even produce at that thing that's insane looking oh my god that thing's insane looking are

1:29:13 Insane. It's also a different kind of thing than a look at my dick Are you F the when you see like the new one that they have the that crazy? a Porsche Basically ripping off Porsche. Really? Yeah, I mean Yeah, and it's supposed to be madness. Yeah, there's a there's also something about the size of them. You know what I mean? It's crazy. You gotta go somewhere. No, no, I was just looking at what it was. Sorry. Sorry

1:33:38 We were with him in Vegas talking about you. And he put it in the V8. I did post fight interviews and I was like, I'm out. Do you know about this guy? And they blow that whistle. You're about to call seven hours and you and you said you go there's nothing else up here cluttering my mind with other sports What is happening? I could still enjoy it. I mean, it's a distant second, but what would be the one

1:36:05 I maybe would be like, what's going on with cricket? I'll tell you what I really liked watching is soccer. Really? Nope. Nope. It goes for a certain amount of time. I forget how long a soccer match compared to what we're used to better players here. I mean, I was somebody who, you know, I grew up not into soccer at all, But I do think it's cool that in the last,

1:37:59 guys' club powers in like 10 years ago, you're watching such a high stakes, high level game, But this MLS stuff has continued to grow and grow. better talent on the state side that I think with Djokovic. Again, just somebody so, so talented at their sport It's- My favorite place to see fights is in the Apex Center, I know. Can you say it? I mean, I don't know. I assume we were on a podcast. It has I don't think it's been released

1:41:16 Jesus which should be an advantage. You see a show there are certain positions. No, I have not have you know He's a fucking mess when I saw him. Well, of course. yeah, the college drop-off has got to be And I was like, okay. Everyone's out and getting bottles and drinks out of this place and here's the exit he's like okay so I turn this way say He's a lunatic.

1:44:05 month and he'll be like oh yeah my other favorite phrase he's like I quit quit Yeah, it was just it's a cycle two weeks later Wheelhouse of shit every day. Mm-hmm. I have sometimes I'll have leaner red meats, greens, fruit. Like I didn't try right right right I was like, I know I'm not gonna look like a Marvel guy in three months the other night I got home and the boys were like,

1:47:02 Right. You know, it was fucking, maybe it was the bread. sugar checked and it was spiking. Yeah, how else you gonna get a peach flavored vape unless you have some sugar in there? Yeah, how you getting the fucking apple flavored vapes? Yeah, of course And I told him a couple weeks into it, I was like, if I don't lose a pound, I have diarrhea 14 times a week, is that normal?

1:49:29 Being connected to Trump in this election. Yeah, because if Trump winds up winning vegetables even. Like some vegetables. I shouldn't say organic, but you're getting it from, like some vegetables. Now I shouldn't say organic, but you're getting it from, you realize that- There's all these red dyes and shit in our fruit loops. Or popcorn, but a lot of people think that part of the thing that's going on with people They say they're glucose or gluten intolerant that what's actually it's not gluten. That's fucking with them. It's glyphosate really

1:51:34 and they figured out a way to make it somehow And you gotta dig for a long time. You know, I had a fucking neighbor And I was like, you tell people? and Ralphie was gonna meet us there. We're gonna all go in together and get a table. and drive from the comedy store to this bar, Great pee. You gotta dial your water in just right. you know you get ready head over to the venue and it's like okay I get there

1:54:55 And then it's like, hey, he's got five minutes left. Yeah. How much time does he have left? Right. Literally in a can, in the wings. Wow. You know, you just carry that. Yeah, but like halfway through my set. I was like goddamn. I had to pee We're getting close to October we're gonna do something this year dude, I'm shooting I haven't seen him come. I've seen him pee so many times. I know. We're getting close to October.

1:57:13 Sure. I don't know. Well, it's easy for me. which is normal. Will for sure. Think I can't You know, like maybe, yeah, maybe you did it when you were in high school and you can kind of get back there. Massage helps a lot, but man, stretching helps so much. be amazed at how stretching your hamstrings alleviates a lot of stress on your lower back. Yeah, I do a lot of hamstring exercises to though. I do a lot of Nordic curls

2:01:26 I think I get that challenging though. It's fucking hard, dude. It's not ever tried it. She's tried. Okay, we'll do it out here Really good exercise for, because there's nothing else like it that's like you're pulling But the one that's really, the reason why I I really like the tib bar guy one and the mr And I could do it Tib Bar guys. so you're already like halfway through the rep

2:03:43 Yeah, I have a monkey. instead of like having a dumbbell Are you gonna work out at all? Yeah, so I already talked to, I go, look, So I'll follow my plan, but I'm able to do right now because I've had days where I go, So figuring out like, okay, I think it has to be AM for me. This is six weeks, six, seven weeks of production. know I had all these things that I've written, you know, five to 10 page short stories and I hit up my friend, Rami.

2:06:48 with you stabbing him to death? He just stabbed me to death on a video, but he is right in that I I do I mean if you see the series like I think we could actually if you can take this like 11 days I think we could shoot three this kind of is like a show now. I was like, oh, I know what I'll do. of what I spent to make this, you know, and I told them my plan,

2:09:47 And each episode will have like a theme Short stories that are twisted that have a comedic tone. That because that was that was your tour The next week, Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto. There's no way to do that without being busy, And when you plan on, And we're gonna have Austin production, Austin crew. And we are doing Austin locations. I can't wait. Yeah, I'm excited

2:13:14 of the writing and getting these meetings done. Raptor was always like, I wanna do that again. Never never thought about it. You should do it. You think so so. Yep I think everybody should do it. Yeah, everybody's good. You got it. You do good shows gross. Then I told them I wanted the show that they were like, no, not that. Bill Burr was like hey And you had a bunch of people you were working for that's a great analogy

2:16:00 No one would let you do it, And then when you do encounter notes of value, You just can't. Yeah. Some actual Hollywood producers that do like keeping it up with the Kardashians or something. And here's how we can make it better. want to put that person on, now I don't want to put them on. Somebody asked me just like a week ago, a guy stopped me and he was like, I have a question

2:18:16 Like that's the, he goes, that it? That guy. Yeah, like this guy doesn't think the moon landing is real. Come on in come in here You sure there's not a little bit of? He would say that's fucking gay or to not do that stuff. He'll show you. and then I think you know, I think he's very aware of How many guys are sucking his dick because of those videos?

2:20:51 where he's like, he's just, millionaires and billionaires only and he does this whole pitch about how he's Well he just laid fucking thyme on top of it. It's a BS dining experience. Uh-huh. And all this dude does is deep fry food. Pete Slauson That's a lot of chicken, bro. Jared S of chicken. Oh yeah, he's cooking for like parties. Watch this. Look at this. It's all deep-fried terrible for you. Yeah looks amazing

2:24:10 Oh my god. like chicken's probably pretty safe. So good with hot sauce on it. You haven't like trained up to it, what are you talking about? He's the best, Sean. I'm like, well this can't down with some ferocious shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen it I'm like this it can't just be She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I put senior lechuga on my eggs this morning.

2:26:31 I got a commercial freezer back there. And I got this jalapeno cheddar. and then pull it. Yeah, it's just it makes everything smokier. The effect is better that the flavors better Well, it's just so easy to use. I still like an offset smoker too, though Argentine I got one of those to grill works the wheel it yeah over the fire and I want one of those too. Grill works. Where they wheel it over the fire and I like, I want one of those.

2:29:14 This is our meats Jose Andres's place. That's what they use. I want one of these that I'll get you. I'll hook you up It has that flavor, like that place, It looks like they targeted them. No. with like real philanthropy like really want to help And he has a one in DC. He doesn't miss that dude's food is amazing. He's the best Tommy buns. You're the fucking man. Thanks for doing this brother

2:31:44 Nope not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe