Joe Rogan Experience #228 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. It's fucking awesome to have you come down here again. It's true, kids. because because she was getting high and i wasn't feeling anything and then there was another half left, and I threw that. people don't realize that's not just like getting high. Me. Yeah, that's like Jim Morrison shit, walking down the street, eating whatever anybody gives you.

2:45 you know how much THC is going to get in there from a bowl or a joint. I could tell. That old. I mean, there's just no idea how to drink at all. I was old Milwaukee, I threw up in a taxi cab. But, boy, is it fucking fuzzy. Tell you what street we lived on. But if I, like, Oh, yeah, this is where we did that. Like Boston itself made sense to me. and you thought the front yard was like nine miles long.

6:15 to have a little respect for nature. How about that? Guy hit the car and killed him i only blew a.08 and she's standing up they go well you know you probably should discuss that I'm a fucking loser. I took a year and two days off. That still doesn't really help. They don't feel good. want to go take a nap if i either got to keep going if i keep going i can go for like you know

9:32 Just roll the credits. about the bullshit I mean, I got the greatest movie ever so Like, I'm not talking about like the Iron Maidens, It was embarrassing that i i mean i It looks, it's such a such a shit you know representation of life It's way ahead of its time now. Oh, yeah. But if you see it. aliens and that type of shit. fucking things you're a fucking...

13:23 ripping somebody's arms off. Oh, I like Chewbacca. Right. They could speak that? No, he was like the dodo bird yeah but there's nothing better than just I think it's good. every time she went to the doctor, When NewsRadio was on, it did terrible. But you guys made Syndication, though, right? Does it still work? So when people see like, oh, he's on syndication, he's rich,

16:47 So when that shit goes to syndication, you just fucking rake it in. And, you know, a fun guy to watch. You're like, well, you could you go to jail and then wind up on TV. I'm just thinking about this guy right now. No, no, no. he was a crazy dude who did he beat to death oh some guy i don't know the story i don't know the story. I don't know what happened.

19:01 where someone gets beat to death? I bet that's just playing Peter Boyle. Yeah, Peter That's the kind of shit I still like. That's a badass movie. Did you ever watch it? They're setting things up. said and then the second you rapped on the movie the studio took it and they edited the thing wow Those directors were taken over. I mean, I know, I know it's just a sitcom, but I'm just saying, you know.

22:02 Do you remember? I thought Johnson was in office then. He was. He's sitting there looking like some guy waiting to get his teeth cleaned. And, like, within four years, I don't know what happened. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? If there's a piece of history, there's a way to be like, The Astors got a bunch of blood money, and now they have a subway stop named after them.

24:42 There's no plaque. We filmed an episode there. Yeah, they rented out to walking around i mean they literally if you've never been there to your listeners, Bill Hicks had a great fucking joke about that place. either. this thing. That's one of the most obvious pieces of see here. And they found... How'd they catch the Oswald. Hey acted alone nothing to see here and they found how they catch the guy

28:06 and you can't tell somebody is fixing games. I just don't think another professional referee can't notice. Oh. Was that fixed? at his light of weight, put on You got to talk to him about all that. I'm sorry. It's the only fight where I've never heard of a fight before Because they don't think Mayweather's going to happen. Yeah, like, let me out of here or I'm going to die, is how I could tell.

30:27 Because the prosecuting attorney was like, On the internet. But if I was a promoter, and I was a crooked guy, a conspiracy. I'm convinced. Yeah. Maybe that's nonsense. like that, dude. It's a business. It's a business if the NBA lottery was fixed. I know it doesn't mean shit to you David Stern if the NBA lottery the worst teams can get better And some people think that they do it so every three, four years

33:53 Like, that's something, if they do manipulate that, he said jim let me ask you this he goes when did you stop beating your wife whoa right so everybody He threw it at him like that, saying, that's what you're doing to me right now. I heard they found Sasquatch. I got my voice down. I should have died of an appendicitis in 1980. Is that how you feel?

36:10 You'd see people driving better. We've out-fucked all of it. Those are the ones that are figuring out You could leave them alone for a million years, come back. What I'm saying is the physically weak often are the most innovative. We're just scrambling. We'd be like the Kobe beef of human beings. Well, we know that chimps eat monkeys. They had this whole thing.

38:29 and they had except it was in trees grabs him. He's biting on its hips. evil. Man. I'd shoot No, no. She was giving it Xanax and wine. This stuff's bad for humans. You know what that is mostly it's a lot of and you're going to develop toxic amounts of vitamins. I don't drink any of that shit. I don't want Red Line people to piss at me. I'm thinking all the shit I'm going to do back when I get home.

41:32 I don't mess with any of those sports drinks, energy drinks, I'm doing something Everybody on my Twitter thought that they were the most clever person ever. You know, there's just something. Yeah, in the big business, including the Red Sox. It's the Clinton thing. That's fine. It doesn't freak you out? You got a mobbed up ref. like, they, for some reason,

44:03 And it's just fucking, it's just ridiculous. It's fucking, dude, that isn't how it is. And it's just fucking ridiculous. There's a beautiful... It was my favorite cat. Cats are like the loners, man. When I'm trying to write, And then I have to pick her up They're definitely different. because they all ran away. That rubber, that's all you need, that little half-inch of rubber.

46:24 The dog bit this video? We can find out in a sec. We're just rolling the dice and hoping that the ground doesn't open up No, but I have the utmost. live out there. They got this thing on film. And he wants to hibernate, but it doesn't have any food in his stomach. If you feed a bear, they always remember where they got it from, Unfollow. I'm going to unfollow you.

49:35 What show is that? storing food and That's when the real problem kicks in. You fucking... Don't look at me like this is going to go all the way through. It's like Red Dawn where you got to kill your classmate Can I be honest? how long am i going to give a fuck for i'm just going to be like yeah for like half a second it's Sometimes they get fused from the blast.

52:13 Wow, he's so positive. Guy in a wheelchair can't even talk can't we can barely move his hand to communicate and he scrolls through words I'm always gonna sound like I'm in a bad mood because I have the East Coast accent. Yeah. Dude, you are this? You think weed calms me down? Yeah. That shit doesn't mean anything to you. He was transgender. tournaments on a regular basis and nothing ever happened to me. I never got hurt, but I easily could have.

55:22 That was the third fight in a day. And just use the fact that I got tired in the third fight of the day as motivation to just run extra That's what my whole day was spent fighting in my head. really fucking good at this. the wrong dude at the wrong time. Which easily could have happened to me. It didn't, You always bow. But my real dad, I knew he was alive and I

58:49 If you're trying to be the best in the world at kicking people in the face, You know, when you're a fighter, you know, man, when you're not training. Go ahead, talk shit. The worst part about being a man is dealing with dickheads. It's just way easier. nice like 99.999 percent of the time they're being nice you know so but i'd rather be the guy who

1:00:56 and ever since I've lived in a house now, live so if you're gonna do something you're gonna fuck with your neighbor that's weird too though I bet he's going to a better building. Like, I don't know why. And all these fucking people would be cooking weird shit. Yeah, some intense spices. they got it on the market cow he goes i know what kind of like it's cow like i don't know he was eating a hoof it was just it

1:03:49 or he was starving and I was like Doesn't he have a gag thing where he just starts puking non-stop if he hears something? I smelled it. he he named you you were the one who said the only thing that can top that is if somebody leaned back Do you know what? It's an incredible story. Really? He's an intern, and I remember his name. 73. That is cartoonish. Right there! That's cartoonish! That is cartoonish! That is cartoonish! That is... Oh my god! That's cartoonish! Oh my god! Oh my god!

1:07:58 That is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. I've always been watching the Paltalk version. And then they try to clean his head off. being so incredibly insane he had already built his way up to it what about all the shit that but then someone would puke, which would make you puke. and he puked into like a fucking, and would start eating his own puke

1:09:57 Yeah, and then there was Pat Fumunaki, the champion, and after he won, he kept drinking. These are double shots. Baby Bird? You know, this thing. And that was it. Oh, yeah. It's such a great way to lose 10 pounds. You should use it as a time to get in great shape. People are like, dude, what the fuck? Oh, now getting rid of it. Like, when I was watching this Mountain Men show

1:13:01 You've got to watch the show. I don't want to do it. That's the name of a good Bruce Springsteen album. Marjorie Wordman to be together. when I threw kicks because Jim Norton's dude, you got to see this guy live. what yeah sickest lineup ever i did a thing called i know i've told this on like 20 different had to follow that, somehow literally like backlit with his suit on like Jerry ready to go out on stage was like fucking iconic

1:16:25 He's a great guy. comedians are always miserable. meet you you know paying your bills on time and you think you're you're normal and uh then all steer it into the wall I feel even if you were a dick they're going to hang with you I mean, you know, I mean, it's like, You know what I mean? I mean, I haven't done a lot of acting stuff. No, well, the ones,

1:19:30 Take their shit and do it right before they went on stage. It didn't last because eventually people figured it out. I keep thinking that's Ellen DeGeneres. I just out of the corner of my eye. That's Patrick Swayze, bro. I would have if my hair didn't grow out like an afro. Juan Epstein. How cool was it to meet him? They did this big hit sitcom, and then they had a hard time getting work after it.

1:22:19 I don't know how actors do it, I find the same thing you're up there by yourself. People are going to heckle you. No, absolutely. You're going to go on stage comic. It's a nutty fucking business. No, absolutely. Just that fucking invisible kick to the chest. was because you were in the moment. You know it's a great fucking joke. Did you ever emcee a strip club?

1:24:53 Yes, I did. okay, 40% of this can't be pornog... I was trying to say pornographic. right oh it just reminds me i remember some girl told me a street joke a really bad street joke And she lifts up her skirt I don't know. I love those dogs. It's like owning a gun. They are dangerous dogs, but you respect that. Because dogs do strange things. I've had them for years.

1:27:39 And as I'm walking out, hyping my fucking little charity thing I'm going to, all of a sudden, I'm getting static. I've had a bunch of them. It's like, you know, you ever see my bodyguard? make sure you don't stick your thumbs in here when you make a fist. That would be the martial arts version of just avoiding the fight. Yeah, absolutely. It's the same thing with

1:29:30 Anytime you want to come back and do it again. The San Jose Improv is fucking awesome. Yeah. Thanks for having me, guys. Okay. Maybe Bert Kreischer. Nick Yusuf. That's pretty funny. Go get them, boys. Go to onnit.com, click on the But I'll let you know when the official launch happens.