Joe Rogan Experience #229 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 so is this your podcast or my podcast this is yours let's do a joint production man to unite all podcasts together and I'll release it it might be possible yeah you Yeah. You know? It might be possible. This is sponsored by that dude who gave me that Rice Krispies brownie. Yeah, it's so much the best way to fly. personal revelations on cookies on planes really well you look out the window yeah just thinking

1:54 in a fucking plane You've got to find a place to go home to. I have to wake up at 7 or 6 or something and then go to the airport there and then get home at like 2 p.m. I had to tell myself, like, it was so hard that I was like, dude, you're gonna pass out, So just be cool. It's fine. is, it's ridiculous. It hits you a lot faster than me. That's what I said to you.

4:21 And then it becomes this crazy journey to get through security before it kicks in that anyone would want to stop you from doing something I think it's very healthy. I was watching a South Park documentary. Those guys made an empire Dude, that slut-off I was screaming at the TV. How do they do that? I think if they just left them alone, you know, the reality is they're cable, so they're not FCC regulated.

7:32 even if you have satellite, they call it basic cable, the basic cable channels. they'll just say, So silly. Of course. asshole and bullshit I love that southern dude No, I've never seen that one. Yeah. Can you release Wizards and Dragons? Better than The Hobbit? Better than the movies. is fucking incredible, man. That guy is a bad motherfucker. How did that guy make a living?

10:37 is so good, man. people were talking about like everyone just discovered it this year yeah and they've been I like that show. I don't know how long I don't want to tell you Sword fights Dude, this is a wild-ass show. it's like it doesn't even make any sense but you don't give a fuck it's like all the all the rules That's what I hate when they do that in movies,

13:01 in this show. and they have these things that live in the fucking mountains Fucking show's amazing, man. whoa. Yeah. Every time it came out, I was like, wow, that's a show, man. That's a damn You just think this guy's gotta be famous yeah and then like internet stuff but once that the real thing with joey was the podcast yeah There's a video of Joey.

15:49 And then that song Jungle Boogie starts playing and Joey starts dancing. It's somewhere online. That was what she said. prove that that's not funny. Yeah. So this is what we did. We had two intros. We had let's get this party started. It's the ultimate opening. It could be a funny show. You're telling me that. Show some nudity, we'll blur it out. Let's go.

18:53 stand up they go yeah i go yeah yeah yeah i go back that's that's the you got a you got an all and just, There was two, You really can't. You can't do two TV... Yeah, it seems like you would. Yeah. Yeah, they took, well, especially when Janet Jackson, the nipple controversy, oh my God. We couldn't discuss it in a monologue, you know. You know, you can get help. You can get help like sort of the way the way the podcast gets help like we all have

21:12 Okay. Couldn't get past the censors. is a nipple because you're showing that during the dinner hour and somehow I know that's offensive Or how about this weird loophole where girls are allowed to paint themselves? It looks like they're covered. I don't care what, you're naked. discouraging it and i sound like such a hater it should totally be legal don't get me wrong

23:36 They really are. Well, the real issue is they can't control anything that gets on the internet. two they just can lock off the internet period they can just cut off people's access to the Below the tip of Florida. would create a reason to cause martial law so they would come in and shut down the internet I have a shit Alex Jones impression. Yeah, they were loving it.

26:20 He's awesome. Real close. Very close. Just hang out behind an office building in Vegas. could do there's no golf game where you could ever be in a private room well i should explain to Yep, exactly. And they have people that come in and in the arm for them. stream live matches If the website keeps building It's really fucking cool. You've got to take a soda from the tub and you're just like, don in there. It is quiet. It's really fucking cool.

29:20 So you feel so scared of doing anything to screw up. Really? They like to lie down in the dressing room and sleep. start to panic and white out and then i learned how to breathe and it was like okay but it was Yeah. It's really fun. so i'd get like pain in my arm pain throughout my nerves it's really a bitch man really lasted a gonna be a pussy i'll just keep rolling you mean that i just i'm meatheaded myself because i

33:55 that's what it is but the problem is when you don't give it a chance to heal And that's what I've done. Because you said. They elected to not have surgery and just try to strengthen the muscles to keep the knees stabilized. of your knees like way better than the other because you had 10 years in between and the I kicked the bag with this knee, like full blast.

36:50 And then there was a meniscus surgery from Jiu-Jitsu. You have to make sure you're given your joints lubrication. I haven't missed his tear this time. He's a fun guy to talk to. top bottom yeah three-dimensional it's awesome he goes i can show you here where's the tear there They have to take training and learn? Meniscus is painful. What does it do for your farts?

39:24 I get a company called Carlson's. difference when i'm taking as far as like joint pain from jujitsu like my elbows are always sore my supplement taking. It's like all your essentials. I just think we don't get enough nutrients, man. Do you go to the buffet there? Yeah, all these different ones. Yeah. Yeah. So I just take those and put them in there.

42:40 One time. And now you're going to release this to the podcast, and someone's going to be looking out for you. flour peppers? kind of makes sense if you think about it like how what is the body designed to process yeah We couldn't eat meat. Yeah. But don't you get nutrients from it? I thought quinoa is protein. pasta no no way pasta pasta is completely out but no whey pasta. Pasta's completely out. But rice is out. Yeah, I think bread's completely out.

45:59 Or fed, rather. out of your poop man oh my god that's what it Your body's like, I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Your body is not, He got it when he was 23. Right. or i would totally google this but at one time i think they attributed it to um or i mistakenly Please Google that on your own. demons you know who the hell knows you you had to roll the dice back then yeah isn't it amazing

49:03 what happens to oak trees in the summer Yeah, well, way better path yeah out of uh you know what they think you know like they think that they feel they There's two guys in hiding. started having boyfriends and he'd bring his boyfriends around and it was all good everybody And, you know, you and Troy Aikman develop a very close friendship, do you think?

51:55 Oh, okay, open them. they're because they're always based on truth. like that's the same one. by Scientology really? like when you say it's real though that'd be just as sense at all get him just no the real the real statement is just because it got around doesn't mean it's true. He might be right. How deep is your butt? How deep is your butt? What was that song about?

55:19 How cute that us be. Yeah, it makes me feel like an ape. I love you more than I have, and I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah, I'm like, there, fuck. Fuck. Poor kid. Yeah. Aren't you glad there wasn't something like that around But by the time she had dumped me, It feels gross. It's like, you're like, Not really. yeah we're all so embarrassed about it yep oh my god we're all so embarrassed about horrendous

58:38 You were a loser. Some loser. I was an idiot. But at the time, I was really weak. you're like fuck I am struggling here and they're correct You're going to make a lot of mistakes. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. really natural here, to that moment Like, he went in so it's like you know you get your adrenaline just a little ready right right right right right

1:01:56 Yeah. store sometimes sometimes if i remember i'll retweet them sometimes you don't want to or you No, I have that too. Thanks. you can't pretend You can't name yourself Especially, it's names like the machine. You're all second best. So it was like this hum in the going the machine machine so it's like So he's going out of his way to, like, look people eye like on the counters or like he said he was having an ego problem

1:04:54 Yeah. But it never works. We'll find out when it's time. Yeah, it's like, that will remain nameless. It's the way I like to, What's up? It was so much fun. Two times on planes. It was awesome. They both could have been reality shows. They both could Did we dose him on that plane? I don't know. some dude keeps farting it's brutal really yeah this is like the third one this motherfucker's

1:07:32 Tate was ruthless. Because if that was the case, It was insane. The people just in that area where the cloud was just moved away from it. Especially if he's been lifting a lot, he's on a lot of protein powder. You know exactly what I'm talking about. A woman just screamed out, oh, God. You know, when Joey leans to the side to open up a butt cheek. I am next to Joey with my shirt,

1:10:15 It was so bad. I will say this about Tate's Farts. The revulsion you get is worse. these the michael jordan of farts if there was fart contest i put him up against anybody in the for the representative He's not doing any grains. Then he's okay with it. You drink it? Very good for you. No thank you. Oh yeah, I would But she's not allowed to be dirty on the air.

1:12:47 I'm heckling her while she works. And the last time we were here, She was nuts. It's sort of fun only when as long as you can fuck the whole show up you and I We can address anything. like an Emo Phillips thing re-get back into the groove. They want to hear it. The Bobcat act, the screaming. I think for him it was just like after a while, it's like, he was trapped.

1:14:53 in a character, And Bobcat, clearly, would place that creative energy on doing the new stuff so the same way if you have a character and He did my storyteller show twice. That's a lot of what his new movie is about. But then I found out he directed it. to him like really like it seemed like he had like some wild moments when he was younger did He's like, to me, that's just like, it was just, I don't know.

1:17:14 good stand-up and he was a boston guy oh really yeah and boston is always we all no he was before Yeah. I'm sure there's and every scene Wendy from Denver I know I have a lot of fans there, but it's like there's no size that we can sort of get you into now. smiling walking down the street. you know Saturday if you see someone like who lights the People are just going to label you.

1:19:51 I talked to, what's his name, Dat Fan once. They don't want to hear it. Gaffigan is another one. He's really, like, witty and off the cuff and very smart. You see it. Because a douche comes out of them? Yeah, exactly. I'm like, oh, yeah, you're a funny guy. with me and i only brought really funny people and my friends. Just people we just killed. And all our shows are fun shows.

1:22:56 So it becomes like a sort of they feel it's like a together show. when you share the stage with some guy and you don't particularly like his act and you don't And we don't have to mention any names, but we both know dudes who do that. I get pleasantly surprised once in a while with, like, one of the two, either a feature or MC. Every week we had...

1:24:25 With, like, blonde hair. I knew him there early. That's exactly what happened. But I love Joey so much that I started taking two people on the road with me just in case Joey flakes that's the only reason you know But sometimes it's cool to let you ring it out and go up there and go long. Yeah. that's what I'm hearing. no, like, I'm going to give them a show, so I don't know, then'm not doing 40. I'm going to do an hour. Right, right. So, like, you can't, like,

1:26:11 40 is not enough. I tell them always, if you're one of those dudes that's brought in for the weekend you know and you you could be Maybe. He doesn't really get booked that much. That's all we care about. like Phoenix, They were like, Yeah, it's just who he is. but as a guy, a crafter of jokes. Yeah, I've got something in Calgary. No, but I have to pick one solid day to do it.

1:29:18 That's like, um... Awesome theater, too, man. I was like, go to Calgary. Push him through. No. Such a fun guy to have around. Oh, really? You always thought of how are you going to use this dirty guy? Why are you hanging out with this idiot? Yeah. Do you know what week it is? When are we going on Friday? But this new studio space that we're moving into, we're going to have a real professional setup.

1:33:09 Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. He knows what he's doing when it comes to video streaming. if I keep doing these stupid little webcams and it's not evolving. Sure, absolutely. We've got plenty of room for that. Yeah. yeah like that and we could have Keep swinging back and forth. That's what I should totally do. Yeah, you could do that. I'll frame it like a window

1:36:03 Yeah, send you dates. I'm really excited. That's a real A room. that you come on the podcast No, no, no. All right. It's the same thing with you. Yeah. yeah with those things now and you're like And, you know, both of them really should sit down and figure out why they're so mad at each other. It's weird having an employee, first of all. for the t-shirts to sell,

1:38:32 And she was like, dude, we're two stoners just trying to get through it. titanium one do you have the do you take that stuff out later? I'm never worried Like I get. Thank you for listening.