Joe Rogan Experience #233 — Jim Norton Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! Joe, son of a, what's going on with that? It's amazing that it exists. It's an embarrassing thing for New York, too, like I enjoy the UFC. It's really weird. I haven't met any of them that were assholes. confined by the stress of everyday life a hard time in this life Right. When somebody is 6'3", he's like, When he did Tough Crowd, I never got a chance to see him live that much because

3:20 Yeah. and he just plow but he doesn't and louis in a weird way the same way like they throw out what because he didn't want to have to jazz them up. comic would say but I really do it at seller with no energy completely deadpan and just see because doing that material again something else. and I had fun with it I bet it's probably because there's a bunch of them who jumped on that grenade.

6:04 could you rub my receptors or whatever? Would you, And then it was like I was in fifth grade, and Well, your honor, Do you really? Yeah, exactly. old girls and i'm like what they've never gotten a happy ending massage um so i kind of bailed on off? Or even worse, they're going to put on Pulp Fiction to Bieber the other, last week? and then tried to grab his tattoo

8:25 I'm curious. What was you don't Oof. than David Letterman He probably just does to break it was oh you did better than i thought you'd do which made me kind of laugh i thought Are you kidding me? but to see it like live like they were blown away Screaming. And he goes, just give a scream for Jim. honestly what it like how does that help how does that help how you look to have

12:20 on a you know it's just it's too much I'm not going for the 16th chapel. and you knew it was going to get a laugh, whatever he said. He came off looking great. What would you do in that situation? five minutes set on a tonight show you know squeaky clean or at least except for like some dying do i do the thing about Sharpton dying? I couldn't show You have ideas.

14:57 I mean, look, it is what it is. Yeah. It's like very, very, It just pounds back at you. I only drew okay. Yeah, I think the internet has helped all of us sort of get our voice out. own podcast once a week, But if you give them something for free. yeah i mean they allow me to perform on them but i don't know if they'll allow me to actually do We just give it to them for free.

17:50 I probably could have just said that and not explained it. How many of those can you have? Well, Louie's got like 1.3 million now. Yeah, Kevin Hart and Tosh. No. God damn it, son. But I want a couple. I love the high-definition sound that the music is in. I love the fact that I can just click on classic vinyl, and then I hear On the Road Again by Bob Seger.

20:14 But the internet is the future. It's like, to make money a different way satellite radio and and my iphone sets up where i have you know spotify or pandora or anything like The other thing is that you have to be, with satellite, That doesn't make any sense. I mean, regular radio does, but they don't need to. Well, the thing is, when Sirius first came out, or when satellite radio in general first

22:41 People don't understand, like, how damaging that is. and jumping off bridges. Nothing changed. I don't know if it was about just quick utterances, That's really what it felt like. They write most of the complaints. You know, it's like, just stop. Like, where are you getting this from, stupid? the dopiest amongst us So there's certain things they want you to be able to say about them

25:39 We talked about this yesterday. So they want all other... Bitch, you racist. Dave's old porn. And he didn't want to He needs to be My apartment a little bit I go, no thanks. I prefer not to take it. Dudes have giant dicks now like you ever see that like Well, Lexington is great. Exactly. and she was talking about They couldn't get it up He is blondish hair.

28:34 it's all just for comedy, fella. like, beat it with that fucking thing but he had seven and But there are some that are absolutely real. Have you been getting into any of the cam websites lately? Maybe you should not steer little Jimmy into this whole endeavor. And then if you pay them a little extra, then they'll go in a private room. Really? It looks like infinite windows.

31:18 All these chicks are fangirling themselves and tits and dildos. but fast forward because we're already it's going to lose you get when you're right now if you're a pervert Sure. option but you might though because it would keep you from cheating on your wife it would keep you Can you imagine you go and you get a patch and you don't want to come anymore? Well, nobody would take that option.

33:09 unless that's happening so if you cut if you took a pill that would like do that able to access that feeling whenever we want in what is a quote unquote acceptable way. like they've got a a bunch of different medications and they just try them out on you nice and Do you think it is like a pattern thing or do you think it's a chemical thing? But I think it's a combination

36:01 like when it collapses when you're lying on your back and literally covers your air hole it's just a shitty design in the the human face and some of And I know I'll miss a couple of cycles I actually woke a guy up on the plane And so I went to the flight attendant, and I'm like, You can't keep doing that. So I'm like, dude, you can get a heart attack from this for real.

38:11 It's a really weird signal your body will send. maybe wasn't sleeping anyway because he was snoring so loud but he he had no Oh, my God. It was really hard, but I was so tired. I smoke before I do jujitsu. Oh, really? And it's just like it it's, you know, That was, to this day, the fucking wormhole. I think, wait, no, Ray Kurzweil. google it you'll you know kurzweil is a genius and i think his time frame is off because he thinks

41:53 No, I love that documentary. that is artificially created he was talking about artelects. thinking that they have to do this in order to really, truly replicate a human being, of like zero time to ones and zeros. So once they figure that out like Siri. It's like meeting Siri is like a girl I forgot about it and I started using it again Reading text messages

44:23 so I was driving It's a hard drug to break man You just enjoy the banter. and it just gets kind of freaky and then you're like, how far is this going to go? And her saying that to me. I'm going to put it in my ass. And once you fucking come, it's over. Not too bad, which is a shame because my ex wanted to fuck me with a strap on, and I would have let her, but it would just hurt too bad.

45:58 It's actually not bad at all. and i could never get more than that i felt like i had to show when your girl's doing that is she it turns you on, but it doesn't turn you on because bag. I would love it, but I just can't get through Shut up. No, I don't like Indian pussy. I've had Indian pussy one time, but Russian wrestlers? No, I don't like Indian pussy.

47:35 Canada is an okay country, but every Canadian pussy I've ever gotten a hold of fucking reeked. different about them? I just don't enjoy it. Believe me, I tried the theory. got most of them right um but you can tell if it's an oniony fucking smell she's probably on a rag and Yeah, BO on a chain. to stink and the pussy a little bit Okay. What is the particular smell that's acceptable?

49:50 A musk. It's fucking nice, dude. because they nailed him when he when he mailed stuff to fucking tampa because florida stinks I mean, keeps people from committing things Because all of us, and I mean both, I should say should say all ideologies liberal and conservative have an asterisk like you're free to say this and it's not like they can jump into the fray on for any little situation they don't have that much resources so it's not like they can jump into the fray on for any little situation

52:16 That's what I mean. They're going to stop expressing themselves like that. to portray a guy who's pretending incorrect. I apologize. You just straightened me out. I mean, let's be honest. I want to see him go fucking bananas. everything. I love it. This is where it gets weird. the susan smith case you should drown the kids yeah i heard those were bad kids i heard they

55:18 That's a valid piece of art. and it's fucking funny and I enjoy it. because people have this idea, standards of living, what you should You can't do that. like when I say phony but it's like none of them fucking fake edge And it fucking drives me nuts. for their own ego. Like, they took shit to an entirely different place. for the same things. Yes.

58:47 We're not crazy. Yeah. Oh, there you go. And you realize this is all going on in the age of the internet. And what did they do? They elected the Muslim Brotherhood. Mohammed thing was, right? He was in a teddy bear suit? It's Maz. I'm kidding. Oh no Right Probably couldn't survive Was it Hal Sparks? Who do I always confuse it with? I'm like, I couldn't.

1:02:17 I bet if we were on Twitter right now, we would know. Oh, right. what you'd say but there's some sort of very ominous distinction that you have to give them a religious police right and when the police showed up, it's like a religious police. Right. And when the police showed up, they released him because they said that it was one guy's idea to arrest him.

1:04:09 the royal family, and that's what saved him. because you don't know calling for the place they have that fucking commission takes the sides of the fucking hecklers it's so crazy you guys well you know So when you start talking in a comedy show, you fucking give up all rights to be offended. And we've got to do whatever the fuck we have to do to salvage this show for everyone else in the room.

1:05:48 I can't guarantee it's going to work. you know that going into it, they're going to usually get upset because they're selfish by a baseball this is what's also repulsive Because we're all fucking selfish. look around and fall Like if your mom is walking so everybody chills out, you know, a little danger little thing. She didn't get anything. taken responsibility

1:08:15 to sue someone Like if he sews you up And then he said like a few minutes later. Every time I push my asshole up in the air deniability from both people, They read your fucking body. his batting ratio is? I've upped the ante when it's $150 massage. Like one girl told me, she was massaging me. and she's like, I rubbed her ass on the bed like you have to there's a certain again there's a certain lingo you go with you don't just go i'll

1:11:10 I hate that. It's dangerous. How helpful. there's a very high possibility this guy might whip his dick out. So while I do believe their accounts, I don't believe any of them deserve any money. Well, his whole situation is so weird because, look, if it's all not true, we just leave it alone like why do we have to beat it into the ground why does someone have to get

1:13:32 Maybe the job. of his dick in your mouth hint, so he said Travolta opened his cheeks, which is a fucking great... Oh my god, he opened his cheeks i guess i guess the guy wasn't taking the hint so he said to open He, yeah, Travolta. Yeah, it's just a power thing. What are you going to tell? Right. and get mad when it's not given That's one of the reasons why it's so intoxicating

1:15:53 I've done that twice. with Louis Ramey I fucking win. Do you want to smell it? You guys can't do that kind of stuff much anymore, it seems like, right? and we don't want to have to deal with community standards issue it doesn't cost anything for the city to sue you. What is his ideas about censorship? and maybe we need to tone down our standards and make things a little bit nicer.

1:18:50 because that opens a can of worms where HBO would then have to allow, So much of this country relies on momentum. And with ideas, especially like And that's a weird thing when everybody's It shouldn't be able to have a positive thing? now it has to be eliminated? Really? and saying something in the context of a joke. But the fact that it was quote unquote removed now everybody justifiably says

1:21:12 I self censor you can't regulate Some little kid's feelings But they ruined him It's fucking you almost have to have that guy to be the first guy to really step out like that. But I'm conservative about stuff like that, I fucking hate them for. They unite. He was on one of the news shows, How many of these things, The news isn't covering it. It has to be just come on.

1:24:03 They don't see any positive aspect in standing your ground on a controversial issue. he stands behind most of the time. I'm sure You know, whatever. He didn't dump I mean, Dana and Lorenzo and Frank, they're just bad motherfuckers. the UFC like these Brazilian crowds. They go Oh, I saw that. Oh, I'm thinking of the UFC this past weekend. is to just, you know just represent yourself as professionally as possible and try to promote yourself.

1:26:44 He's a nightmare. And he's a He's an animal. He's a nightmare. I was scared because I was going to be ringside. It's an incredible place. Brazilian fighters though. Oh, I'm so psyched. And I think that's a fucking spectacular fight, man. It's hard to keep track of them all sometimes now. I'm afraid, like other comedians who I love, and I really love watching musicians play

1:29:21 You get jazz hands. and we've all caught ourselves like when i was young i caught myself doing richard jenny once as you're fucking looking down your leg Yeah, and you're not doing a good job, and you have to go back and clean it more. It shouldn't be happening so often that you're like, well, I've got to keep a fucking good box of clean ones nearby.

1:31:15 Yeah, there's certain Oh, yeah. because this guy, like literally his arm became useless. He looks like an asshole. Lee Redmond. Exactly. Why are they so short there? And I kept setting dates and dates that I was just felt kind of like a suction Oh, gross. Right. woman's longest nails, but and I became not an ordinary man. Look, he's got them taped together.

1:35:10 You're useless. It's probably like a hoarder. It's so crazy. Maybe that's all he needs, you know? You're like, oh, whoa! and that's the one time people show interest. every conversation there is a guy I will never quit like when i try to end a relationship. That's what Brian does. I think actually I have. What do I have? cheeseburger would be pretty fucking good right now.

1:38:06 You can't let it get out of hand. Every couple days. The key is to just keep... I really haven't had KFC in years. and then dip the chicken in there until your fucking And it's kind of like, hey, let's get to see half the menu all at once. I've never heard of ordering more than one appetizer. there's uh positive things that we can learn from always and from everybody but uh you know

1:40:54 Stop. In the world of. that your friends with comics get to hang out with comics like it like a guy the plane. But I knew he would recognize my face. But when she found out I was a comic, she had her road manager fucking pass me a newspaper. with real comics And to know that they respect you for acceptance for you going out on crazy limbs i mean you're going out on the limb where you're

1:44:14 Yeah, but those are moves. dude. He really doesn't give a fuck. You can yeah it was a like over history de paulo who's one of the fucking funniest guys ever. Nick DiPaolo's a great stand-up comedian. And right before he got on stage, I arrived. It's the tagline. That's why it's funny. It's funny to watch And then Nick will go on. Yeah, what are you, bored? You don't even laugh.

1:47:23 I'm doing gigs with Artie and Nick and Atel. the same way. I used to think, wow, Do the work that it takes to create an act that's good enough so you don't have to worry about it. I go on right next. I had to get older. I had to feel like I suck and I'm not going to do good. You go on stage cocky. just like i'm gonna fucking hammer these people and where you go up and you're just like, I'm going to fucking hammer these people. And then you go up. And then once you miss the connection, it's usually you can salvage something.

1:50:06 and what you're doing to kind of make it work. at if they see you you don't want to bomb on a show that would be horrible it would stink even of talking about I mean, you would never have expected With If it were a similar We want to put you we have faith in you and and again I pulled it out but um it could have been a disaster it was like there's always this

1:51:58 there was a happy ending. I almost started tugging my tie to realize that you were was really fucking cool yeah she was very nice and uh it helps when somebody on the couch is kind of But Bill was surprisingly supportive on panel, which really fucking helped a lot I forget what I was talking about, but it was something about Obama and McCain. why aren't you allowed to?

1:53:43 You know, they expect two comics to go up and both of them do, you know, McCain-Obama jokes. Okay. Well, you know, again, to them, too, what is it? You know, they expect two comics to go up, and both of them do, you know, McCain-Obama jokes. I don't remember. Who would say that? I think it was Henderson bisping was the best example that I ever saw.

1:54:55 You're running like side to side. but the bottom line is his movement is what allowed him to stay safe And Dan Henderson, I knew, was going to time that. Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, Rampage is a tough motherfucker, man. Jones is a bigger guy. dudes that just have like a unbelievable ability to absorb moves and then and recreate them like it's really incredible what he's accomplished. Jon Jones is truly the newest next level of

1:58:29 I mean, he dove on his legs like pro wrestling. this next level shit, I mean, he was never in trouble. Didn't it seem like Machida hit him I mean, what he can do to guys when he manhandles dudes is very unusual. In the Newton fight, I don't remember, they gave him a red flag or a yellow card, rather, got Dan's back and then choked him out. level ground game. He is a black belt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

2:00:55 He had lost every round, I think, didn't he? It's obviously a heartbreaking loss, but the fact that he kept going after him a human body is not supposed to fight five minute rounds going full clip. You just simply can't do It was a great fight. It's like a perfect example. He would do it. He's a bad motherfucker. I admire your balls for calling him out on it because it's very funny.

2:03:23 Yeah, he does have a great way of... And instead he pretends that he's undefeated, undisputed. he was being honest about his skills You could. It can. but that was another fight that he took injured. the padded area. Some of the padded Have you had surgeries like that? I had my turbinate shrunk recently and I felt like a warrior. I'm so happy that doctors figured out a way to fix your fucking nose so you can breathe out of it.

2:06:36 how many shitty decisions i made in my life because i wasn't getting enough oxygen i'm not If your chick's blowing you and that's your face, and he had a website where he would write about his encounters with women. Yeah, but he would do it nice and slow, and he would even loan them some money at first And he had like a bunch of different things that he would eat to purposely

2:08:20 People banned, It was really interesting, the writing. See, I don't like that. Like, I'll actually go, no, that's fine. And that's all I want, dude. then it becomes a terrible thing that they're immoral What do you think, I pick up chicks on my fucking merit? Is that a prostitute? You know, I gonna get if I let you fuck me in the ass what do you want baby yeah how many years how many

2:10:52 $300? from doing that. film me. I know that nobody's going to rob me. I know I'm in a secure building. There's security love my house. It's my space. I know that there's nobody going to film me. I know that nobody's going to rob me. It has an underground garage. But I did think that's great that there's security there. I had a couple, and she was holding a screwdriver

2:12:36 And I felt that something very evil was in the room. but I gave her the money she went to the door and opened it she might have just faked handing I would think that that would be a smart thing to do, no? you said. times to know when And I listened to it My dick didn't know what happened. How did you get out of there? And they agreed to a form of prostitution.

2:15:14 That's great. and said, and you come, Well, ago so she maybe changed her ways but it was a great story when he was doing it like while it Just seeing her and fucking her again, that would bring back weird shit. finally got to fucking eat her ass for money. Oh my goodness. but if it's a little, Just fucking peck away? Not if it smells moist. I worked at Caldor.

2:17:54 It was like she hadn't eaten in a month. But I did go through with it The dead body smell Oh, yeah. Well, the thing about smells is that especially gross smells, like olfactory senses detect change. parents just kind of raised her like or like in a box like they didn't talk to her about anything A lot of chicks don't want their pussy to be good Of course.

2:20:15 Yeah, right from the gym? Dude, that rules. But shit, that's where you draw the line. Not a, a little piss smell to it. Whatever, I ain't scared. It's an animal thing, man. like, than us and I would get them to sit on my face in their pants because they both I remember that. I don't like shower sex because I'm so high maintenance. And were like, that's it.

2:22:03 As they say, it weeds out all non-hackers who don't pack the gear to serve my beloved I mean, I'm doing well. Do you know the Opie and Anthony show is one of the greatest radio shows in the history Really? So it's like it's all out on the table. and kept all this shit hidden, fuck, man, I blew it. and willing to at least like I love when I'm oh really oh my god it's so pretty I don't even know what a dick looks like. That's what a dick looks like?

2:24:15 I pretend that they've been humiliation to straighten me out, man. It turns me on. it so much, but I like big pussy. I remember there was a porn star from the 80s. They were like hands. It feels good. man i like a fucking giant areola nothing wrong with that it takes the whole boob it's just areola because they're embarrassed that her ex-boyfriend And I would like suck her lips.

2:27:12 and look at it Exactly. whoa it was like an octopus without a woman attached what the fuck is that you'd have no idea't know what it was. If somebody just showed you a picture of it without a woman attached to it, And one was a massage therapist who was massaging me probably 2002. I lost my breath. And we would always fight money when she would come over.

2:28:51 it was unreasonable. Oh. She had gone with a friend to Tough Crowd or something. It was wonderful. Jim Norton, you're an awesome human being. Thank you. Thank you, her pussy, I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was wonderful. It's on this Saturday, June 30th. Yeah, it's perfect. I love it because I can it, dude. I love and just make them part of the act.

2:30:41 Oh, I forgot about that. Leno. What number was that? This is the one you just to show. I'm too embarrassed to watch myself. That lily white mother... They showed it uncut. We are citizens against Jim Norton We all got big dicks! The other men have no idea who the fuck he is. Yelling something out So on Epix Right. The opening was really fucking cool.

2:32:52 monstrous Ozzy fan. But don't show the whole opening. should never be angry like i've met my after after i did the shoot with aussie it was in his house Like, this is more than I can handle. Just go to Ozzy Osbourne's Twitter. Yeah, just while we sat there listening. and last year was it, Like, when I was a little kid, not only was I a huge Kiss fan, but I was a huge Gene Simmons fan.

2:34:56 of Love Gun. Fuck yeah. If I do this one thing, will you make me a big promise? will you please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim fucking Norton. And I got to walk Thank you, brother. And your book is also hilarious. Steve Martin actually called me out on bashing him and fucking- And I'm like In your book Targeting fucking Sharpton and Jesse Jackson And Keith Olbermann Who I thought turned on Imus for language bad. What did you say about it? I just trashed him for doing the Pink Panther, but the book was about targeting fucking

2:37:20 I'm sorry. I felt like Anyway, that's the end of the show. We finally got it from Cyber Squatters. Jim Norton, one of the best comics in the country, man. It was really fun, man. Thanks to The Fleshlight. thanks also to Kettlebells Use the code name Rogan and save yourself 10% off. Yeah, that's right, bitches. And Davey Johnson so far. You'll figure it out. Maybe not. We don't know what's going to happen. Actually, I pulled muscle. I probably shouldn't even do what the fuck we're talking about. Watch Friday. You'll figure it out.

2:39:57 There's very few tickets left. One of the fucking blue collar guys. No, this is the Ice House. Anytime. No, man. Or in a fleshlight and dump it on her. which is only available at Death Squad on iTunes. We love you guys. Thank you. Diolch yn fawr iawn am wylio'r fideo.