Joe Rogan Experience #24 — Eddie Bravo Transcript

Transcript

0:00 There it goes. Now it's recording. And joined today is jiu-jitsu master, musician, best friend, Eddie the Twister. I got to hold the mic? We were having problems when we first started doing this. He's practicing. He used to hang it in front of his face like this. But I'll be quite honest with you. It's just pleasure. It's about when I bought it. Cancels out some feeling

2:17 Comes in two years ago, I met this girl when we were on the road in Texas somewhere, maybe Houston So I decided to take her to the hustler store Can't invite another girl over. It's better than using your hand. I was at Target the other day, and there was these things called magic microphones for kids. There's kids everywhere and moms looking at me.

4:14 a massage thing, it was just like, Would that be bad? that doesn't understand, And it can get real confusing who you actually like They should teach kids how your dick is going to confuse you and how it's going to send you all these messages. old she's like 16 or 17 they're fucking man they're fucking the problem is even if she Yeah, it's real. That's really what's happening, man.

6:44 She took a cell phone to take a picture of her pussy, so that was a criminal tool. I think we talked about that. Oh the sexting What people want us to talk about You don't? don't read it. So what do you guys think about the new iPhone that just was announced yesterday? You know how texting and Twitter and everything is fucking up people's games or just lies in general?

8:09 Well, that's only for 2010. You're going to come to work with me, okay? that that shit's going to happen. everyone said, like just think about people are going to laugh something, too. Just move really slowly. Everybody, stay with me. It can't be fast. That's actually a cool fucking game. Your house one. You're supposed to show your face talking in that environment.

10:55 Let me see the color difference. I need to see it right now. But if you decide to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend you're like fuck it i ain't even gonna Did you do FaceTime? You're not thinking about what's next or what's going to be the future when you say freaking about flash for and it will convert it into an html 5.0 uh uh program or whatever so that's what youtube does

13:34 I think you're right that people are hesitant to change, What about the new iPhone? It's just an operating system, just like Windows Mobile was. No, no. I used the newest one. It's just a skin off the operating system. You believe the iPhone is better, Yeah, the phone hardware itself is great. I mean, doesn't it have to do with how much information is in the photograph?

16:14 important thing is the lens and So when you take a photo, the light has to go through all these coils in order to take a photo. Okay, but it still means something. Your knowledge of all this shit I really don't give a shit what I care about is video And give you different alarms How's your Facebook? I would believe Brian. it doesn't even come close to the iPhone.

19:41 the webOS. And they're saying this Palm Pre thing, Actually, they did. Why did you bother me? I remember I had, when I first got it, I got it out of the box and everything, and I was playing with it, and I was like, looking at it, weighing it. You know what I did use, though, that was pretty dope, Predictive texting? It's something like you just make a new contact

21:39 You know, just do everything you want. Are you a fanboy? How many phones have we both between you have? Really? if it was something that was serious. There is barely any home phones. the country. Emergency phone. And so what they're trying to get really good at is predicting these events I mean, at any time, the sun could just make some hiccup, a burp, a fart,

24:20 That's going to have to be the next thing, right? And the gas And we've had, dude, how many bones have we smoked fucking talking about the Anunnaki? like the Mayans Eddie's the one but I didn't it never registered. Super talented singer, but crazy. work so i thought about it later on that day that whole day i thought about it and i and i and i i I'm like, Gina, what was this guy's name?

27:01 What the fuck was that about? So I looked it up, and I just got on the internet, A lot of people believe him. What if it was just like a thespian guy that walked around the tribe, you know, that's dressed up as a cat and somebody drew it? And on top of that, their whole history, Now this is like something that scientists have just recently embraced over the past few decades but sitchin wrote about this shit way back in the 70s i mean

29:48 what year did Columbus sail, blah, blah, blah. certain point in time with all this investigation that we're doing into life like what they're doing What if all this shit that happens in our solar system is kind of rare, He transcribed all that shit in the 70s, and how could he know that? That was new. I heard they're way better looking than us. an astrophysicist. We just found

32:43 this guy figure out through the... And he's saying, well, he didn't It sounds crazy, and we don't have all day to It's really involved, and I haven't really looked into it. first everything, first agriculture. Those are the people that were there when civilization was created, and they're still rock. They're still rocking that ancient law. You know, you dance. We throw rocks at

34:29 Wait a minute. Because it rules. But climate has nothing. It has nothing to traffic in the world. It has the worst traffic in the world. But as far as climate. Because it rules. It's like club promoters. They blew that up for a while. It totally makes sense that that part of the world is backwards because it's like the, Like, It just totally makes sense.

36:19 Zachariah Sitchin. I thought it was really good, man. He is pretty good, man. His acting was like 80% on. Dude, that was hilarious. Yeah, you gotta see it. Did you see Splice? It actually didn't do that good. I think it was lizards or some shit. It's like really ridiculous Yeah, I'll spoiler and then I was talking to some This movie is so dumb. It was hurting my head. Yeah, there's no way.

39:19 I think he's hilarious. Have you seen that? Okay, I'll see it. They make this thing. They're like, nobody goes down there. I got to see it. can fly she's got wings she flies she lands and eats a fucking rabbit and they're not even freaking You know why? I think it might turn into I heard that there was If they were, they're brilliant. The humor is the whole movie.

41:28 In your defense, Brian, I think you might like it because you like crazy shit like that. they create something and fucking throw at you. Yeah, like anything. I've ever seen in my life. It was stupid on SNL. The young guy that makes all those skits on a boat and stuff. But I watch a good monologue on YouTube or something like that. half an episode and I was like, this is silliness.

43:35 And they finally came out, vampires came out. It's like that's the worst shit ever, man. You'll stop after five episodes. But no, that show to me was just, I couldn't even, I was amazed that people liked that show. I watched Dexter. There's just too many in the light, It's a symptom of our culture all these vampire movies are a symptom of our culture.

45:32 And all the crazy shit that we justify ourselves doing People that think they're vampires and drink blood. There's people that shave their teeth into fangs. What if that's real shit? Do you hear about that? Really? And you're going to believe that just because it was a long time ago? that's real that a devil makes you make bad decisions and and makes you rape and and beat

47:59 He'll never talk about the devil. You mentioned Satan at all. You can actually say, you can be an archaeologist and you can say, we believe we found the cross that Jesus was nailed on. He got shitty with God. Werewolf was stupid, right? I'll buy mediocre horror movies Brian? He's too old. Maybe. I didn't see the movie. I don't know. No, I mean, I think I saw on the news

51:01 banner came out and then like two or three years later, the fucking Edward Norton one came out. She's too short. and you give her high heels. where Tom Cruise had to stand on planks and shit. Yeah, what about Evangeline Lilly doing Wonder Woman? An interesting conversation I read with Brad Pitt talking about Tom Cruise, But that's fascinating. Because her work was so serious.

52:58 How good was that? That was a great movie. You know, I mean, that's those are scary monsters trapped in, you know, a person's body. crushes he's the motherfucker dude he's that guy he's the best i think he he gets into roles more I heard Anthony from Opie and Anthony say that he thought that Gary's wife killed him. She took a bunch of photos of him in bed, like, I guess all fucked up.

54:33 sometimes short guys have big-ass dicks so it balances itself out. Did you ever watch him on a celebrity rehab show? Oh, my God, dude. What was it? What was that? driving around in a little buggy. I'm going to follow him today. one of the greatest tortures in life to be you know deformed trying to make fun of your deformity Kyle Maynard. it's how much people want to fuck you.

56:41 no one's ever going to love them. We're all going to end up living half our lives at least It's not just whether or not people want to fuck them. We haven't had sex in 20 years. he died you know you always hear about stories about him yelling at people like he was he had He plays Gary Coleman, so he plays the whole sketch on his knees as a security guard.

58:55 His show was so ridiculous. But remember when he has that sketch? So it's like a sketch where he goes back. and he threw him down the steps and let the place on fire. His show was so ridiculous. You guys remember the first episode of Different Strokes Wow, how weird is that? He didn't even want to shake my hand. someone's fucking with me oh it ain't gonna be fair oh i see how it is you know it's like

1:01:17 That's that cat tranquilizer or the cat parasite, rather. no no it reprograms the mind it's a parasite parasite. This is the crazy thing. The parasite exists first in rats. They're attracted to that, and they're not afraid of cats anymore for whatever reason. And if you touch the cat's shit and it gets inside your bloodstream through either an You could get it from raining cat shit all over your day.

1:03:41 Maybe this used to be bigger than it is now. He is. I wonder if it has something to do with their asses, if there's a connection. Yeah, that's right. i've seen people do it before wow where they go like this like you stand here What the fuck, cocksucker? If you think about that, if your cat has ever been outside and you think your cat may have eaten a rat, you know.

1:05:48 It's going to keep you from infecting other cats. Like some parasite could literally take over your body You know, and so to think that you have complete free will Like what? Several times I've I might have. I'm just not thinking about it. It's so awesome. You know, it's phlegm. Yeah. What? Right. Imagine you could do that. I have. like if you go on the highest, biggest roller coaster, like the best employees i guess that work at uh six flags

1:09:30 And he just was like glassy stare. And I'll play it for you in a second. X2 is not like a regular roller coaster. It's fucking horrifying. Five different Yeah here it is You're about to get on the ride. please place one hand over your mouth and wave the other in my God. I mean, maybe the dude is super responsible just because he has this tremendous speech impediment.

1:11:59 that one is the one which just spins in a circle which is swings but but still i mean it's a ride man would hire a retard okay but Like those shapes that you put in the circles. He's got so many stories to tell you. But it was ridiculous. Like he just tapped it. They assume that it's set. He was the one that pushed you down over the side in this raft.

1:14:24 But isn't that a part of the ride that he splashes you? Stop. You know, here's the thing that you have to consider, Hey, man, I know a woman who was a nurse, and her daughter went to one of those parks, swallowed some water, and got horribly sick and became paralyzed. A horrible infection. And those water parks are prime. This is bad, dangerous water.

1:16:14 Did you know you're not supposed to swallow Yeah, well, you're dying now. That's the reason why it kills everything in the water and everything in your mouth. It doesn't have anything in it. Seriously. That's how poor I was. I would tear out the TV guy. You used to eat the paper? Seriously. Are you fucking serious? I used to eat boogers. And then you eat it.

1:17:55 I totally did not mean to do this. I love the taste. No, she wasn't fat. I'm like, what are you, a fucking cow? They get mad. I didn't want to, I really don't mean you're a cow. Oh I farted Is the sex drive Don't fart It's getting no. Don't fart. You just ignore it? I don't, just out of respect. This is what I'm thinking. There's times where i have to fart really really bad but i'll just hold that motherfucker and then i fall asleep is there any way you hold

1:20:52 You know those vacuums that they have at the car wash places? and put it around your asshole so even if it does fart, Your butthole is like open sores. fucking hurt. And your balls, you dip Some lemon juice. Maybe that's what you could do. Make a filter out of it, like glue roses around it so it goes through a rose filter. Some lemon juice. so it's like a filter.

1:22:21 no more embarrassing farts. It was like the worst thing I've ever seen. and yet there's no technology that exists to try to deal with these farts. Yeah, that's a good idea. filters. Yeah, and then they're just scented like How much? Sound, though, is not really a problem. hot. I got my AC on this side of the house. So even if they dig this relief well,

1:24:56 I don't think so. you're not going to be able that they're allowed to make these things and not have fail-safes. and thrive in the oil? is it's going to kill it's got rocks in the back of his throat and that's how it sparks up the flames. Have you seen a Komodo dragon? and just drew it just some gay guy making shit up. Dragons, for sure. Name one cool dragon fucker.

1:27:07 But werewolves could be just... No, but I could say that if they had some sort of a crazy blood problem, Their whole bodies get hijacked by parasites, The cat parasites make women more horny? There's some crazy guy with a beard. Is this based off the— This is the CDC. No. No, I hear me. But I can't hear you. Okay. What about, did you as a kid used to eat those green weeds with the yellow flower on the top?

1:30:23 You could eat the grass. how crazy that is, though, Cocaine? Yeah, I don't I Never fucked with it. They say you got to get that Rockstar Coke. What was it? And so they pulled off Tylenol off the shelves, I guess. off their shelf. was supposed to give over to the fda like this report about their findings and stuff like that There's some crazy shit going on with some Tylenol right now.

1:33:54 Yeah. Fucking Coca-Cola? No. That, to me, is just like, what? Fuck yeah All across the world That's deep Tylenol doesn't get you laid because they fucked up a little bit here and there? That's deep. Come on, man. That's deep. The girls that you can only fuck You should only fuck girls who want to fuck you. One, fucking girls who actually want to fuck you.

1:36:18 looking over at that mirror while you're banging her is that you can never get rid of them? You're going to bring all the coke I'm like, I just need to get my dick sucked. What a I'm going to get it. Before she even knew what hit her, I was gone. I got around to the fucking front. Got off the first exit. What do you think about this whole Joey has it.

1:38:30 That's a wild Tom cat. you know like whatever and I don't think or anything I was like, where the fuck's this coming from? Say a prayer to the mother. I hope they fucking clean this shit out. If not, I guess I'm going to do. I'm going to walk down to the weed store. I'm going to roll a joint. Say a prayer to the mother. Oh, man. about six months ago.

1:39:56 the iPhone now? He's too old school for that. What did he get? He would if. Oh, let's play Donkey Kong with fucking Heather. I'm not hurting nobody. You have to be within a certain feet from a church, a park, or a school. it's almost like the illegal dealers when they're going against the regulations. The Eidelman went to jail for it. it's actually kind of a dilemma for me.

1:42:20 Whoa. They're going to have weed smoking sections at bars for sure. But the problem is you can't even smoke cigarettes indoors I belong to a cigar bar in Beverly Hills, and you go there and you can smoke. They got the licensing for smoke and convert it into a weed bar. but they have places where you can smoke weed. and then you rent these rooms. I'm hanging out with Adam Scorgi,

1:44:54 And how many times have you done this where you teach class, you go, how many guys are an enhancer, a physical enhancement about whether or not I think weed is an enhancer, a physical For sure. you're doing jujitsu and your reaction time is slowed down in any way your jujitsu is gonna suck There's no slowing. of the things that i write i write while i'm high and that's being very conservative because it

1:47:32 There's been many times where I've been stoned where I look back at shit I've thought or done while I was stoned. depends on first of all how high you get because if you get too high and you can get too high where maybe you're just not seeing it in the way that you were seeing it then how you get them also it's your state of mind too it's like how are you coming to the creative table

1:49:43 loose and then the weed hits and it's just like it just washes you in this crazy energy. Someone needs to teach us how to do it. about the shamans and... I don't. These are all psychological addictions. Guys, I got to take off. We had some great conversations. The forum on my site is pretty key. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's called the Nibiru Forum, the Tenth Planet Forum.

1:52:48 I was like, Nibiru Jiu-Jitsu. And I thought about it. And so I don't necessarily talk about you too much and just talking about different techniques sort of silly uh like goofy outlook on so many different things and and and has got a sense of now he is but but other times he's just a random karate guy our friend Rassan Rassan Orange he's they did it with Tim Lee,

1:55:27 Now, they get to the point where they do it so ridiculous And the crazy thing is I'll get the the side. He's disrupting the class. I'm like, Danny, you got your camera on you? We get into an argument I'm a total douchebag. Tom Lawler and Vinny Magalhaes. Mastering the Rubber Guard, a bunch of them. i've always had that in me for some reason yeah you have a very strange sense of humor it's like

1:57:45 That's all it is. You weren't good at jiu-jitsu when you first started. I had to figure it out, that was the hardest part of comedy, Right, right, right. You have a comedian's sense of humor. You know what I mean? There's people that have whole careers based on YouTube videos. nowadays you could take these same bits and jokes, make it into a YouTube video, get a

2:00:31 I'm telling him that he could be an artist, Well, I definitely think people who want to be comedians are getting a lot of audience. He's got that way of looking at things. But that's what I'm saying. I went to see Louis C.K. the other day with Ari. It's funnier. It's not the same thing. so many open mic nights, Nick DiPaolo, Jim Norton, Patton Oswalt, of course.

2:03:42 I think what's happened with the YouTube and the internet and MySpace and all this shit just from stand-up comedy. Jim Norton is not in it to just become an actor. Well, we're talking about the best guys. Like, oh, I'm free of the pressure. So there's a lot of pressure and a lot of people don't like that. How about this? Brian fucking killed it in Atlanta when he hadn't done comedy in years,

2:06:20 Not only did he do good, he went into the abyss and pulled himself out of the flames. Here's the thing, man. because you're saying that somehow or another It's like Baba Booey and Howard Stern. Because you don't have immediate response of people laughing at you, whether you know whether or not it's funny. joke where the audience is dying and you're like

2:08:36 There's nothing more fun than watching comedy. music and had the kind of time that i had when i started out doing comedy for sure you would be It's just a matter of focus. Like that's how I was my whole life and that's how you are. what the fuck is this that's what the comic and look at things and go, what the fuck is this? That's what the comic does. The comic looks at something and goes, what the fuck is this?

2:10:22 They never had the discipline to follow through. You both are. Please, don't be a pussy. What's the number there? you're a Ustream guy. And as long as we have cool friends, it's going to keep being fun. It's the cat virus, Joe.