Joe Rogan Experience #249 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! it's doing stand-up I travel channel show got picked up for a second season here and she says you know we came down to meet you we're in town for a wedding and we thought And I go, skip both of them. Yeah. We fucking, we jumped off a three-story balcony. What a fucking great day for that guy. Yeah, you can't last three minutes.

2:49 But there was a price to it, Maybe we can combine two things that everybody loves. wealthy i don't have to take care of my kids i apply on private jets but she didn't she was like So we get in. And I go, you asked her the question you said you were going to ask. Who is she fucking? It was, we ended up spending like 17 minutes with her because she fucking fell in love with this guy.

4:57 Whoa, Celine. She had a really expensive dress that they handmade for her. Like, I'm friends with Sam Champion, Rachel Ray, Celine Dion. What? And they're fucking amazing. So good. Has a ketchup mustard you can tell that a fat guy made them because there's like extra It has every flavor. They're insane. You're looking at them like, these can't be good for you.

7:46 It tastes like White Castle hamburgers. That's the only thing I could eat was like watermelon. I'm like, all right. one thing and then i was looking and it's like what why how is this place still in business Because it didn't used to always be like this, right? Five Guys Burgers can fuck with In-N-Out. I'm like, seriously, that's a hilarious internet joke.

10:09 Because it's a ridiculous, expensive profit thing. and starts to get funky but it's so like when you take anyone from not in la that's in visiting when uh that are on all these diets and stuff and then they're so concerned about it that that there'll for sure it is weird that we have so many different places where you can eat like shit But it's definitely coming out in Florida, and they only talked about it because when Chick-fil-A got on all that heat for saying they didn't want gays to marry,

12:33 Yeah. of it is yeah it's like it's the majority like all the quick ones are look at look at the I don't know what you just said. Oh, dude, yeah, that Dorito taco, you can't even order anything other than the Dorito taco. horse when did this happen i don't know but i'm but i only know that because i did a channel a whatever who cares it doesn't matter it's it's delicious and what unlike burger king which seems

15:36 really they eat horse meat yeah gotta be super easy to catch pony's the veal super easy to catch because the cows were like bitch you can't ride us the off get the off get the off Exactly. you ride them and right now they're in tenure obviously they don't have the case there's I'm always envious of the knitters. Wait. Hold on. you get to bring the tools on like this jesus christ i would never you know um there was a

18:36 Yeah. out that cotton picking just is a horrible fucking activity it's like a fucking shit in my mouth like It's an amazing plant. But it was about hemp. It wasn't about the called uh hemp force it's this protein powder made with hemp hearts it's so hard to get this straighten it out for a lot of people like how to how to process cotton and that that made it a

22:08 You know, here's where you can see how America lost its fucking mind in the 70s. and we were talking about looking at the cars from like the 70s like from the early 70s to the late No, no, no. Yeah. It's nothing now. I think it's the best it's ever looked. I bet it was the same thing we were talking about The show Lost. If you're driving around in a 1980-something Corvette,

24:48 That's the one that you picked. piece of art man ferrara showed me uh he's got a photo of a friend of his um had a really nicely Ridiculous. Someone's dad had one. I always wanted one of those things. the back was kind of like a like slick back um i don't know i don't remember what it looked like It looks just like a GTI. he had so I said how much do you have and he's like I have like whatever he had you know yeah like okay you could take it and he was like what

28:25 bland version of the car you know it became a woman's car yeah i don't know why but it's a fun boxster is so dope really oh it looks so killer yeah porsche's design teams they they just make to get a red car because they're so stupid i've never had a red car i've never had a reason why I just feel like it's such a stupid fucking thing to get in the first place.

30:30 Yeah, you could. You'll get pulled over all the time, by the way, with the red car. is gonna feel if they're looking at you yeah it's a totally selfish color you know because it's it's it bright shiny i don't know probably not really porsche is a smarter car it's more and it's not Once you have a car that can go fast. It's like playing a video game.

33:12 They'd take you out on your first lap in a Camaro, and they're like, this is the best car. Really? a they're like they're like uh duncan when he used The fucking car is ridiculous, man. Chameleon paint? Don't get the one that Bieber has. I'm not copying Justin Bieber. He's a UFC fan. Did he kiss you on the cheek or the lips? I did a show at the Improv Friday night,

35:59 to take pictures. And I was really thankful. He had glasses on and a baseball hat. I've only had a couple times where something like that has happened where it really kind of freaked me out. Oh, he's a fucking cunt to me. and I told the producers, I was like, I fucking am the biggest Kiss fan. there's gonna be a fucking cakewalk the only other time I did that to the show is when slash was there

38:09 And I said What? Maybe he's not a morning guy And now it's like 8 o'clock in the morning Like what did I do? So then I leave and then mark Cronin comes in he goes listen Jean Totally cool. We cut for commercial and everyone that works on the show has headsets on so and And I went, now I go to turn around and I see everyone that's working on the floor of the X show literally turn.

40:30 worse and i've never treated anyone even an eighth i'm not not granted i'm not gene simmons i don't and he was like in a kip i just hear those words and i like oh if i heard that from slash i'd be your schedule for the rest of the day? And I'm like, Nightmare? And he was a monster. I'm walking to my green room. How long do you think you could fight him off?

43:07 I was asking the audiences this week, for 15 minutes. Mars rover So you got to start it off or just take the load. That's not what he said Brian. You don't even paying attention I'm into chicks. they're not gay, they're probably gay. I don't know. I mean, everyone loves it, going and then you're like where the fuck is this gonna go from here like and then it's him coming

46:16 It's so fucking good. And if you watch the first two minutes, you will fucking, you will go, I got to watch the whole thing. Oh, perfect. that he likes to drive. That's creepy, Brian. just for a half a second. know him he's what he is is like a master joke teller he's like a master comedian he can I've gotten nervous on One, because I'm working on this stuff.

49:36 up my process a little bit. It was an article I read online. Yeah. Yeah. trying to write a joke and then people videotape and put it up and you're like i wasn't fucking You can't stop it. recordings of bands sometimes too I have the first set that Chappelle did on when he came back from thing it's like why do you not want to watch hd tv again cigarette and so then whatever happens you get some pussy you fucking you know you step out of

53:50 Oh, I sweat naturally. what is it about it that is it just you just may weigh the risks versus the reward and they were huge rush to quit if i told you that all of the stuff that you just said you loved that you could But like I'm saying is you will quit and then soon all that shit you love will just disappear. And he feels so much better. are the most awesome thing in the world world they make i'll tell you what the only the only

56:32 The only way a live podcast would be cool Well, Don's more like he puts on a show, though. That would be easy to do. did at the end of my comedy special in atlanta everybody came on stage in atlanta joey was up we didn't go to the moon and and I'm not convinced that we went. I know it sounds stupid, No, I want to be honest. don't understand a lot of stealth technology a lot of new drones and all kinds of shit that

59:49 that want attention because it's so easy to get attention. unexplained yeah because the the kick-ass people don't want to talk to not just that there's They did it with night vision. and the iron in the ground was turned to these hot little metal beads there was like that was know molten iron iron pellets and uh they recreated it they recreated these iron like i think it was

1:02:19 because that's not how the people who did it could have done it Whereas in these larger crop circles that are more complex, these plants and flatten them out it sounds ridiculous but so does the internet you know Yeah, but that's ridiculous. a real shit job of it, okay? Because the government aids in africa everyone's like aids africa everyone has aids in africa yeah but you know what you know

1:04:49 hiv when they come up these statistics they're seeing people with aids they're seeing people and these poor people in africa what you're dealing with is a bunch of different factors Every single person lied to you, right? So I, at an early age was forced to like look at everything for tell people hey so I got I got something that I need to tell you guys.

1:07:13 I was changing it for you. but uh they they were like dude your your earwax is really bad i can't even see your eardrums oh this like what it was a like heavy duty water pick in my ear and she pushes it in and at first a prune and she's like you have the prune kind which like builds and builds and it stays kind so have you seen the videos yeah you know that's why they have certain sounds that they put uh

1:10:05 Very fast what? Dust in the wind. Well, it's a nurse. out in like an hour there's no wait do you know where they learned that from the oxycontin clinics Oh, that's interesting. I take that Tamiflu, taking that stuff. stop talking and i was like what's the point of talking i was like Yeah. It's super cheap, super convenient. and eggs when you you have the bacon and eggs and coffee breakfast that uh rob wolf the uh the guy

1:14:15 It does not taste that good. for me is that i find that i think you need i i feel personally like i need some animal protein Takes it home. No, wait. And there's really nothing. No. It's super good for you. A fruit smoothie, yes. It's got a lot of sugar in it. this TV show for, whatchamacallit, You're going to get him in trouble. Because he's like, nah, I'm not going to fucking do that. I'm not going to eat watermelon in front of a bunch of white people.

1:18:42 If you get like some sick like roscoe's chicken and waffle fried Everyone likes that shit. could it could last oh really yeah that was why that was why the fried chicken was a big southern We built cities. then you store it away in the freezer so it's like you're stockpiling yeah you know and that If there's an apocalypse, you know the number one animal to get that will sustain you and your entire family?

1:21:11 yeah if uh if say if you like trap somewhere and all you had to eat was rabbits for like a month Coupled with a lack you can eat rabbits real weird with all this low fat this and low fat that we we need fat there's a lot of like avocado That's what's up. you if you were made out of grass they would eat you they would eat you if you were made And, if we didn't kill

1:23:51 Because those are the options. Look at Pasadena. conservation. I have a big i would definitely have a gun on me you know in case the bear tried to get into the house Been going on This Sikh temple thing Some white supremacist dude confused them with Muslims, and he was an idiot. tweeted it of course when Eddie Bravo tweets things you gotta go He's the only reason I know about chemtrails.

1:26:29 It would be crazy if he was right. Dumb people do look at that and go, oh, yeah, look at that. S-I-K-H S-I-K-H you silly bitch? Yeah, but no one in the Colorado massacre said anything more than that. My dad is out and at the hospital, Not trying to jeopardize anything and But this is what I want you to Google. because this is a really good one. seek s-i-k-h massacre massacre m-A-S-S-A-C.

1:30:19 shooters and that they are Caucasian descent all right that just so you know that guy i just But he's relaying what his mom said. There might be more than one reason. It wasn't haphazard. One of the wounded men said an unknown number of gunmen had walked into the kitchen of the Sikh temple and opened fire. It wasn't just one guy. Does that mean there was more than one person?

1:33:18 might be some militia and they kidnapped the other three yeah you know they're gonna let them go The fuck they are It's like a marijuana yogurt Especially in Toronto It's totally different. Let's find out, because I've met a lot of them, and they seem to be some really nice people. extra dots are. Yeah, I'll try this. It on tar, it on tar, meaning one God, along with praxis

1:36:01 seeing multiple people i'll tell you what well that's actually a good point it's a very good point if they were in the they're they're actually high on the super high what year was this uh in 2000. 2000? 2000. Yeah. facelift on TV. He did. Why would you care about the lighting? Super soft. I don't fucking know, Joe. so paying attention to anything I think it's more like they're spoiled cunts

1:38:19 Heineken's, water. with joey fucking diaz and he's hungry. He's an animal. thing you can't get like you can't get it in your hometown so when it does come to your hometown part of explaining joey when a club booker goes so what what is he what's he like and i go he's I can't do a whole week. I like doing them like that. Fuck yeah, dude. You're in, man. Look at my schedule those, let me know. I'll do it. Fuck yeah, dude.

1:41:33 Well, let's do it. fucking amazing place houdini used to work there yeah it used to be uh if you're in san jose and That shit's going to be awesome. Tom Rhodes. I'm going to take a car service and party. And it's on Brian's label, the Death Squad label. and Brian and Tate We don't think I can't explain to you. And to us, Brian and i were just talking

1:44:40 That was so it is chaos. That's when he got off the plane drunk. So we're all talking shit and having fun. the Ice House Chronicles 40 shh and available free I mean, it's online. join in on a real conversation you know i'm not bullshitting you i might be wrong no i fuck things and the more truthful you can be about your your own thoughts to other people the more we can all

1:47:47 you're in that fucking cubicle all day talking on the phone answering customer service calls situation that's the only way you improve people you got to tell the truth Say it. isolation tank if i could figure out a place to install a shower i think i have a place to Don't do that. It's just I have too many animals in such a small place and it's out of control.

1:49:51 Yeah, coming here Wednesday. If you use the code name Rogan, It discusses all the science behind it. if you don't feel that they're satisfactory, You're right with the flashlight. Holla Brandon Walsh So that's Denver this Friday if you're coming into the UFC I've got to copy him with everything he does except his hair. I feel so free. to me and you you're held hostage because he's got the reefer.

1:52:33 He can't. Go to follow Bert Kreischer on Twitter.