Joe Rogan Experience #25 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 There we go. Beautiful, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to day 25, Brian. That's our sponsor. explain it to me let's talk about it here this is the one that i haven't fucked so you can touch it square. It looks like your dick's got Show them fish in the bucket. Fish in the bucket. When you undo the cap, your load comes rocking. I show up with a box with an asshole in it.

2:13 Does this come in different colors? What if you want a fucking Hindu There has to be. You know, you might as well. Why do we gotta say black? Let's go with the private collection. They have a Lupe version of the Fleshlight. so you can pretend you're fucking that Avatar chick. Twilight. Because I know you like vampires better than werewolves. Who likes vampires more than werewolves?

4:05 You are just making shit up. eighth grader right now. cracking jokes on them. I know you are because I am That's unbelievably ridiculous That's how much I am a werewolf. i want to see the fucking the best latest technology and the dude turn into a werewolf Remember like the son with the... The hair coming out of their arms and the fucking thing. You can't go backwards.

6:27 I got that shit get to see it he's going through freaking out You know, that's the kind of shit that we had in 1981, okay? I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking half of fruitcakes look like. And you know, you fucking dogs. You know, you gotta, group of kids now there were some like kid-oriented shows. When you were six,

8:31 and everybody's gonna enjoy it. that shit is legit. When you meet a chick that has an accent from over there, with that chick yeah no no she's uh very nice that's a strong that's a strong combo right there You know what kind of crazy shit she's doing to him. It's horrible, Brian. No. I used to go there for boobs also. That's a weird combination. Do you think that when there gets overpopulation,

11:03 See, in the old days. Everybody gets a hard-on. he's 62. GNC versions of 30% of it was Viagra. And there was probably 300 different roots and fucking bird tears. Right. Then he goes home, eats Viagra, these young girls that go out with these old rich guys, they have to fuck them now. Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen, is probably one of the funniest guys that unfortunately you're not going to hear of.

13:18 What a great fucking guy. Lady get your dog out of the street and you go, man, this motherfucker. He's got good friends people should be like Brody Stevens It's kind of like a hidden game. I understand. Brody was the warm-up guy. I was on the cover of Camel Beat. or something? great human being too. When I used to drive his car to the with Soundgarden Blast and he kept saying,

16:05 That's the night he stopped the show because there was a bunch of headshots on the wall. And sometimes he'd get up there And the crowd would be dead And just start ad-libbing and fucking around The best for. but every now and then Joey Diaz, one night, we were at the comic store. This is the early day. fucking sings along Everybody was going nuts. Everybody came in from the fucking kitchen. All the comics

18:25 magical moments where you know the moment. It was so real because there was When there's five or six people, there can be no fat in your act. See, a lot of comics you'll talk to, like, I'm getting 12, 15 spots. That's my world. It's a totally different style of comedy. Whereas if you're doing it for just a few people, I'm like, what's going on? just a a gorilla just a gorilla of a man and a crazy sense of humor so the people he's probably

21:54 You know, this crazy Scottish accent. act the next act is a half an hour then he brings on the next act and he doesn't have an hour and It was very similar to the comedy store. I'm like, well, you don't get this kind of a club, you know you're gonna have to pay it's cost 20 bucks and this guy over here, he's gonna take your money. The one night I took my fucking dick out

23:51 Judy. So she's on stage and she's not doing very well. There's no one there. He goes to the backstage area. He goes to the backstage area. Like, the jokes are finally working And every time she hit a punchline She never did know that you did that. No. beginning you know it's like how come some people figure out how to be funny and some people don't

26:03 And they're happy there. Dexter's going to get pissed. who's a giant crazy Dexter fan and wound up committing a murder When you watch 10 episodes of the fucking one, By the way, what I said was only based Yeah. he had some health problems. a skinny, little non-athletic guy. and they're like purple belts He's got like a big neck, You know? I bought that he was like this killer.

28:45 I was like what the She had something stuck in her nose last night oh my god, you're putting me to sleep. Shut the I might not ever let you up, you fuck. I'm like thinking of you watching this. That's hilarious. People freak the fuck out when you're choking them, okay? samples out of the air conditioning unit after the first second third or fourth time see i'm

31:37 And I just get so angry. What happened to the black shirt with the fucking thing? Looks like he's been getting punched in the nose. I leave the fucking house. It just snuck up on us. I'm out of my fucking mind. What the fuck? Can we expect? Just the fact that there's a chat room of people talking about it. That's what I'm saying to you. They have no character.

33:26 Yeah. He just said Spade. I bought that. That's where it ends. characters. That was a badass comic book character. fucking put this shit on. I want to see about fucking Transylvania. All of a sudden, now they're fucking Spanish. crazy ass vampire movie like this is like really suspenseful but then towards the end it was almost But it just ends bad.

36:11 why would it be vampires? I didn't understand but it's not just To a guy like you or I, Right. I was in a hotel room. There's a romantic aspect to the vampires. I never watch any of the movies. But why are the women in love with them is because... He's banging some high school chick. She chose somebody that's dead instead of somebody that just turns into a dog once in a while, but he's alive.

38:40 That was it. You're 44 years old. ass fucking movie it's the premise is absolutely completely ridiculous it would have been way It's a baby. Imagine how you'd be getting the darkest black why does that happen with so many older italian guys That dude is funny as fuck. What about this chick that went around the world on the raft? Farmville is for, chick. Well, you know what,

41:23 You might not have ever been fucked over. Oh, what location? I was just looking pictures of her. First one. Teen sailor lost C. First one, teen cellar, lost its seat. Who gets the first butthole. I don't know who took the picture. And then like a couple hours later, And people are like saying, are saying, that's child Right, right. Like, you can't see the underwear anymore.

43:49 love to do the opposite it's Perez's people probably too well they should be he's pretty Perez is a fucking retard, dude. when he was sitting on the couch going, violence is They want to just find their way around that. Do you think that he would struggle? just grinding up his mouth. Let me tell you something. Unless you're saying something really funny,

46:01 The people that don't feel bad He was just saying I just think If I had to guess. that that was outside. you know what, You're a fucking faggot. And he's screaming the next day. get your ass kicked and when dudes dudes have never experienced the frustration and And you're making it a pain in the ass for all the rest of us. with plastic, and when he's going inside the

48:11 That's 90% of these motherfuckers now. I'll pick up Us Weekly if I'm taking a shit. But you know what I'm saying? One guy said, fuck you, Tubby. And then they don't bother me no more. You know, those motherfuckers. you know like back the fuck off look and then he says that he said take care guys and then we said and I got problems communicating with people.

50:23 I would have definitely said, Even if I fucking hated you, I would say something. but it was probably a misunderstanding. I'm a nice guy. If you're nice to me, if you're not retarded, you know, and you're cool to me, I'm going back fuck you i'm out of line you fucking piece of shit wow you you fucking short man syndrome Right. I have to say. no excuse me

52:16 he was a little paranoid if I'm around someone Nothing. i was nice to you and you came with this you know you're you know it wasn't like a joke it was like With actors, you're always dealing with a little psychological bullshit. This guy I know wrote something to a friend of mine that was so fucked up. like who the fuck is this guy and i'm like going somehow he has connection with opie and anthony

55:01 Yeah, it's so crazy because he has like his pictures and his distract from our conversation like we didn't have a conversation all right there was nothing He's a douchebag. right thing. I'm thinking I'm living my life. What am I doing that's making people so upset I think it accelerates your social development because it makes you a little bit more aware

57:39 this guy doing what would make you do something like that in the middle of the day? You've got to have hate. them, that you wrote a joke or you said something on stage. That would be the second coming would actually be through science and that they would clone down syndrome what do they do they kill it they start from scratch or they just go yeah maybe

59:20 So they were all in the park waiting for him to come up with the fucking answer to humanity. You only do what they like. Exactly. killing you remember remember one of the remember one of the first videos i filmed for you was i was come from? Thomas Dolby. no it's cincinnati it's cincinnati this fucking 70-foot Jesus got hit by lightning and caught on fire.

1:01:49 expect that i didn't expect that i thought the magic man was gonna be i mean the stupidest thing to read it they handed out Bibles in the class. So I moved from there to super religious He goes, I likes to read the Bible. I went to Catholic school and I don't remember shit from that Bible. But to have them go to any fucking super religious school you're gonna fuck their programming up so

1:04:07 like the... Right. We don't know And come on, just shut the fuck up. We still say, well, you know, everyone has their own freedom of religion. We still accept it. No one knows. Let's all sort this out. And it's fucking up everything. I got thrown out of there. Tell me what happened. and he wanted to call, Rogan. Hi, this is your mother. And the nun wouldn't let him. So I said, you know, fucking

1:07:22 Where was she hitting you? and took her around She grabbed her titty real quick. the one that lit you on fire every once in a while he would light you on fire you know i'm saying what She's going to come here, and we're going to straighten this out. And then that's when we made an agreement. it's just such a joyless religion how can you get here so joyless i could see it pulling my ear or

1:09:09 My mom had to work all day, and we had to be in different people's houses while they babysat us, Jersey. I think it was Patterson. It was Patterson or Newark. I remember that. I remember that I would cry. That's crazy shit. I was 6 years old it's Catholic nuns follow my rules and I was there one time about kids getting molested But there was always this thing that they deserve it.

1:11:45 I'm Lutheran. To be nice and say that's what God wants be arrested for crimes against humanity you know like, like Christopher Hitchens is called for people to arrest him But you didn't let nobody know. And two years from now, you got another molar station. the horrible one with the priest. boys, girls, just molested him, molested hundreds of them.

1:14:08 accepted a lot of people just keep their fucking mouth shut just avoid the creepy fucks you know I think she whacked me with a ruler once, but it wasn't bad. But it wasn't for the beating that they were giving me. nun or hanging out with an old porn star who are you gonna hang out with you know pretty simple Big, crazy, fake eyelashes. As a human being, the human beings as a race, we have to, as a race, get past where we're at right now.

1:16:19 and the way to be the most honest, pokes. Retweets are actually Do I give up on TweetDeck and all that stuff? There's no way I can keep them up. guy sent me some fucking material he wanted me to assess the other day so the guy says i'm thinking That's all you have to do. people need to learn how to edit in real life too. Could you imagine being able to tell women

1:18:37 And this fucking story took So I ordered the chicken salad sandwich. They love reassuring communication. You told me about this. I dropped, no, I mean, but it's great because you have this big cup of ice. Diet Cokes? I mean, I've drank in a bunch of them. this tastes so good if water was like super precious and like there wasn't that much of it I had a chicken burrito and it's big motherfucking Diet Coke, dude.

1:21:48 The worst feeling is warm. I got these new drinks that these dudes sent me. Gatorade is good after you work out, I drink a little bit of poor water in it. them on Twitter. You can find them online. from our sponsor. Hey, so if you masturbate, when I'm masturbating, the embarrassment. And I tell you from personal or order one online. for years yeah so he's been doing like this huge he's like crazy research guy when he gets hooked

1:24:38 in humans and they're uh it will your life will you be a 30 more life you live longer How do you do that? Grape seed is also an antioxidant. and his hip pain immediately came back. No, he's not. that i emailed you joe that you should look for that i'll check it out it's i have some in my um Yeah, I'm sure there's definitely a connection with chemo.

1:27:12 they melt. people are just getting on splenda he was like sending me reports about how the brain like to burn off the sugar there's a bunch of them now one for you and if you're gonna down on sugary coke in moderation And I stuck to my points and I actually gained weight. And even then I don't because I feel like they're going to give me the wrong batch of shit.

1:29:10 They're all turning into the Nintendo Wii with the motion controllers and stuff. I'm a grown man. things that's what xbox relief it's called uh i forget what it's called now vizu or something i When I was in Vegas, I was talking to all these, there was a tech conference going on you're fucking sitting there with their fleshlight on and you're immersed into it like a helmet he's

1:31:39 You're just fucking sitting there in this chair over here 3d so it's going to add a depth so you walk into your room you could have a picture on the wall Like, the whole ceiling is a fucking screen, and you're lying back. you sitting there. through the movie. They suck. Yes. Jurassic Park ride's a dope one. That's one. Right. You know? But, oh, did you ever go on the Jurassic Park ride? Yes.

1:33:32 It's not Jurassic Park. No, there was one, I don't remember which one it was. there's a new smurf movie coming out with little sparkles i have some little glitter on that pussy Isn't that what gets happened Here's an $80 ticket Who did? follow that shit You're right a lot. it's fucking fake. oh, just talk to Johnny Knoxville. They totally added sound effects to a real fight,

1:36:10 That's a real ass-kicking. Like, America's Funniest Home Videos don't do it as much, but any of those, like, send-in-your-video-type shows, you're crushing dreams right now talk to. Talk to me about Carlos Conduit. After those first two rounds. I'm like, you're crazy. so classy like the way he handled it there was no ego no bullshit the kid was like you know what he

1:38:20 That started out as a wrestler or a kickboxer or whatever. want to see that fight again. That was just a mistake. Yeah, he is. They shut that shit off. He broke his foot and he broke his hand. That was a good card. It's nice to see a guy go out on a high note. have anything to say to your Croatian fans out there, I see you got a lot of support, and the

1:40:59 he had barry backed up and he was nailing him with punches he was he was looking sharp dude he was He had one in there with Vanderlei in between, So you got to think about those are four killers. Noe Hernandez, though, is the comedian. pele was one of the baddest motherfucking muay thai guys to ever come out of brazil and he's In the end of the fight, Chuck's on top of him, beating the fucking shit out of him.

1:43:21 for the championship title, five-minute rounds. speculation who did it, maybe they thought that someone was getting their ass kicked, who knows, He fought in the first time in the UFC. like say if they put chuck against say some of the guys that fight at 205 on the ultimate fighter At a certain point in time, I mean, it happens. Bathroom stand. And it was going to be brutal.

1:45:47 Randy had been in there with Maurice Smith. So a guy like GSP, he doesn't even hardly get hurt. Chuck was so fucking good at running there and brawling. He had such a good chin. He was such that's how randy's rocking it these days especially especially in the Coleman fight. Whoa, that's loud. He's diversifying, Chases these motherfuckers down. It busted open his lip.

1:48:20 I think it would have rattled him a little more. when I was 400 pounds, every time I chase you So every time I ran out of air You cannot take too many concussions. Well, he took a couple shots before that. God, dude. When I went to the bathroom, I went to go take a As they would walk through the tunnel on the way to the arena, to get Martin Campman's hat and he

1:50:25 Sarah Palin. Who's the son of Sarah Palin? the Noguera brothers. But he got busted on that. He's just real good at talking shit. calling him rich boy and you know show me your jujitsu and swearing at him saying all these He doesn't stop. He does these question and answers. emailed it to me. But he fucked up is this project where they're trying to take the next step after Google.

1:53:11 much shit that if I was like with Doc from Back to the Future, I could totally get to the right 14 billion years. That's what they think it is now. And the argument was, we knew just a hundred years ago or 200 years ago or 300 years ago you know a couple hundred years They're going to get crazier and crazier with time. Well, as we get more and more understanding

1:55:22 or something like that as soon as they invent a time machine. You could Google voice it, you know., you can't do that. Well, you can do that with Google. You could Google voice it. What year did ever that human beings are aware of. And you'll have you ever thought about it like that like when we talk about like the like this peak oil documentary You don't think so?

1:58:03 Isn't this the shake that you shake up for your arm? There's got to be a reaction. and all those people need to go from You know, they can... off the hook now. the video about Glendale? or not outdoor like uh stores and there's a sushi place but all the stores are like fashion outlet none of those places Everywhere you drive for they're down for rape and shit you know we think about those chimps as like like bj and the

2:00:31 with this shit? kind of dinner table and then we're going to wrap this up. No, the other one before that. One more time for the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. who put a fucking, Wow. and he said, fuck it, I'll go over there like a He was carrying a pistol, a sword, Oh, my God. I don't like watching murder videos, but I watched one recently. I'm like, I don't need to watch the whole thing. Apparently, he cuts his whole

2:03:46 And the icing and everything bubbles. When I go to joerogan.net, that forum, I mean the forum right now is over 3 million posts. it's like a portal to all things interesting and fucked up so but just it's my You know the whole story behind the Human Centipede? because it's so bad the cameraman's like, They just put a little fucking tripod on that little thing where the soda sits.

2:05:36 So the big chain took codes, and you have them on the top side of your screen. What's that club we went to? have to make sure they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and crap like that. we'd be walking home from a comedy club, So if you came to the dude a couple weeks after the movie was out, At the end we should always sponsor is Fleshlight.com. We talked about the where I'm at right now. At the end, we should always sponsor

2:07:20 and Convention Center. I'm in Grand They won't let Joey Diaz up there Canada doesn't let you in if you have assault. People are nice as shit up there. Especially in Vancouver, because Vancouver doesn't really get that cold. The UFC there was fucking fun as shit. rock club or something like that? They wanted me to not Dude, Utah is very religious, man.

2:09:10 I could. I'm saying myself. I used to do comedy there. Oh, when they snap. The cross is a target. Jizz. Do you do a Facebook? Yeah, I got a Facebook. I have no fucking idea.ocoDiaz.com, right? Yeah. The website, JoeyCocoDiaz.com. And do you do a Facebook? You want to fucking friend me or what? Friday? Yeah, I got Hollywood Bowl. Are you going to go see Donna Summer? Are you really saying that? Fuck yeah, if you want to come. Friday?

2:10:53 What? Joe Rogan's. No, dude, this is what I remembered. Joe And he's dancing. oh what right not me no i'm saying it's me shouldn't have me i don't know what the fuck i'm doing um the point is? Not me. No, I'm saying it's me. It shouldn't have me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I wrote a blog about that night because it was so powerful. and my girlfriend goes,

2:13:21 She had some jamming songs. Like I said, That's right. I was in a bar the other day and Journey, Don't Stop Believin' started playing. Dude, Journey had some hits. He couldn't sell no chicken though. He just drank booze every day You think you had a lot of sausage He's so rich and gets on a horse. 81. selling ground-up tuning in. 3 p.m. there we go