Joe Rogan Experience #250 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! What, baby? Have you never done Go Bananas? Denver Paramount Theater this weekend. Are you talking shit about Duncan again? He's hilarious. good fucking time fuck yeah right after the tragedy right I mean, something like that, these are the one this is where they start thinking that the government is doing this just talking about different things so but it's you, what is it? Is it because, is it just a natural thing that, you know,

3:49 be armed they want to be able to maintain power i wasn't looking at it like that i'm a very cynical has tried to do this or the mayor excuse me the american the government has tried to do this they came out that should have been a huge piece of news. That should have been something where, you know, everyone demanded there should be hearings on this.

5:27 But was this just one dumb fuck that just did like, hey, this is my idea. That's why when these conspiracy nuts come out and they say, hey, we believe that this guy was brainwashed that if they really could do that can you imagine if they figured out a way to reprogram people if it's just tragic criminal i want Now, she alarmed somebody. why wasn't this fucking lunatic contacted?

7:36 This is a kid that bought Mm-hmm. This is what fucks with me a little bit. How? They said that the speculation was that he used his scholarship money. college or could you like depend on well my gerber baby uh insurance that i got for myself when i was They'll give it to you. I'm going to tell you something. Especially for what he was going to school for.

9:31 They give you the loot. What you do is and they send you a letter in the mail, that was uh my friend johnny used that term yeah we talked when he was talking about gambling money my god gotta get that get us i feel bad for what happened in colorado it was a up Are you serious? bomb in his backyard yeah that sounds like horseshit i gotta hold on nuclear bomb oh i see

11:38 There was a kid who really did that. And we know whatever it is, whether it's plutonium or whatever it is they use, They had these kids, on the stove and stuff. Protection Agency 10 months later holy shit His name was David Hahn. I just want to let you know ladies and gentlemen, that's not just a regular chocolate bar Joey Diaz just participated in I know that's the one that you said was the highest you've ever done a podcast

14:18 hole. Fucking great fights this week. Thank you for the And it was fun, it was Fucking Jamie Varner. Joe Lozon is one of the best. craziest thing. Really? Because if you hit But let me tell you something. I think he probably underestimated Lozon's striking. He's had like 44 fights or something. I think he got injured, though. Yeah, he's got a disc, a bulging disc.

17:02 I mean, it's impartial. you gotta you gotta get you gotta get a hold of that guy and it's that's no picnic either he's I think that would be an incredible fight. Comes over to Strikeforce, wins a title in Strikeforce. right hand is so powerful and he has this crazy confidence in it and he can takes it he takes an fights effectively at 205. You suck all the water out of it so you can fight in a lower weight class.

20:50 there's only one way to do that. You're going to have to fight against, you know, you're going to But it's still bad for your body, and it's unfortunate, I think. their weight class i think which i think a perfect utopia of mixed martial arts would be everybody barely basically you can get a 20 pound uh you know 25 pound pit bull there's really small ones

22:55 yeah with the real little ones you look at them that's what he had, these little tiny pit bulls. Yeah! Yeah, how many are left? I'm talking about Tom Rhodes, Joe Rogan, fucking Irera, and Doug Benson. I'm in Orange County. No, no, no. You do fucking 30 minutes. And it's really fucking cool. Or 13 or something like that. Okay. That's what I heard. The whole country. In the country, the whole country. Ever.

25:54 It's pretty bad when I have to leave my air conditioning on full blast at home No beds, no nothing. It was cold enough for me to fall asleep, but I got up to pee like at four. cars and then when i came in people were on facebook there was an earthquake i don't feel buildings not you have bricks that's it's not that the brick's gonna fall apart but they shift

27:56 yeah yeah it gets so I am only hoping that since nobody ever predicts things And that, you know. Like hot and cold. Neil deG make that up? No, no. That's not. If there's earthquake seasoning, that's what it's made of. Like hot and cold. Who's that? It's the caffeine in chocolate. You and John Rollo, most unlikely We haven't had a UFC in that area. They had improv down in this kind of crazy area where there's like a lot of different clubs.

30:11 I think so. I think it was. Yeah, there's some crazy motherfuckers. My condolences to the guy us in the back room in Atlantic City. all juiced up, the kid. So my condolences to the fucking. Henzo had something to do with the IFL. I think he fought in the NFL. Me, you, Tate, a lot of us went. his ass off that's the place yeah yeah okay at that place that was when the ifl henzo was uh

32:20 You guys are writing secrets. Yeah. Yeah, you should do don't do, yeah. I mean, it's kind of like a team, you know? Frankie motherfucking Edgar against Henderson. I love that guy. He's got legs for like a 185 You know? Holy shit, that was a great fight. and he comes back stronger. He's one of the best conditioned guys in the sport. it makes you think, like, man, i wish you could do it at 155 i hope you could do it at 155 but you know

35:10 Never, never. He's going to have some move that you didn't expect coming, some lead right hand that you didn't see coming. Because the other half is the guidos and all that stupidity. And they wrestle at weight categories, the kids I grew up with would go down south, includes a guido from up there I said it to him all the time. They don't even care. They don't even care

37:22 I don't know. Let me tell you. Shoot it. No cycles. whatever. They don't have, you know, Don't these kids go down there and fucking buy D-ball? Mexico. Whatever the fuck it is. Marines are down there. Yeah, but think about that. Amazing. And that's not an exaggeration at all. I love San Diego. and civilization and culture and like the biggest trust you trust people more like military base

40:45 that you're only 20 minutes away from and you know and moving drugs around. It's right there. Do you really? like sort of giving them the real deal and how everything went down there and took them to a They sell coke on the beach. Which is really weird. Big difference Sure We could... I love every aspect of copping in my day. No. Tijuana. He went down.

43:55 Is he Asian? A thousand bad things could happen to you. And all of a sudden they come over, That's number one. It's about rival drug dealers, people kidnapping each other. I know people who have gotten or is this still the juice that you get here where else i've been i've been to tijuana but only in a very very briefly no i'm one of the places thing from Cancun when I was on

46:28 Were you wearing a Hawaiian shirt? We're outside. never heard of them like oh my god they're like they have the number one album in the country uh he does a song like rock in the suburbs, you know I like On the Mountain, Fire on the Mountain, a couple songs. They haven't showered in the fucking six months. But meanwhile, that's how they're living off Dad's fucking credit card, sneaking showers.

49:17 you. There's a lot of that rebelling from being a good parent. You know? No, then shut the fuck up, cocksucker. You cannot be the perfect parent. Yeah, that's what I had I'm at the movie theater. This is what happened. What are you talking about? Yes. He's texting. Really? Pop. How old is that one? And my friend Matt has it and when you open things up, the speed of it is really fast.

53:21 it on the alien where this does it on like every computer that uses flash where like it will load up a flash movie and then your whole computer just Flash can fucking AIDS and die. How wrong is that? Let's fuck our phone. video you have like a youtube application that opens up so it recognizes most new videos like I tell you the hottest thing. So like if you want to work on a 70-inch resolution screen on your laptop or whatever,

56:08 So what I gotta give you something I forgot I got a video for you. What is it? Oh Tell me what it is again. Now, who the fuck went to Pompeii? Anybody even know what Pompeii is? Live at Pompeii. It's got what? It's some Greek statues. Oh yeah. just so many fucking things i think that's rome brother rome whatever same thing the romans the I don't know. Like Anglos.

58:27 Listen to this fucking music, though. But I would like to... And they're still Yeah. That's where the devil lives. If you look back, look at it. Oh, there was another thing they found recently, man. skeletons in mass graves in london's east end and they believe that many were victims of a 13th century volcanic eruption. Spitafields? Spitafields? Spitafields Market. next to uh wow this is a weird word spit of fields spit of fields spit of fields market

1:01:47 because the radiocarbon dating This is amazing, man. So this is a new discovery that such a massive global And that fucking tape of Mars either. fucking thing they make this in Burbank well this is what I think I think first I mean, I'm serious, but this is what I'm saying to you. we got fat kids running around. This country's fucking dying. Why don't you get this excited about the wars? Because that costs a thousand times more than going to Mars.

1:04:30 Every fucking year. It's gonna eventually lead to... Who knows what kind of space travel eventually we're gonna have. You everything else. It's going to eventually lead to, We care about shit and I see a room full of people All right? You know, 10 years ago, we hung out for years, It's waste of thought. And we're worried about fucking Mars Joe Rogan really about fucking what happened in England in 1529

1:06:31 this Arab asshole as they're sucking my I don't want to hear about fucking Mars and a bunch of that rover on Mars? But what's Mars got to do with the price of eggs? That's what they do. That's what they do. I'm not going to stop doing that. So why would they stop putting that rover on Mars? But what's Mars time. When I go to the hockey, How are we going to pick up an envelope?

1:07:53 The conspiracy is We have so many things War is money. and charging them to take them to Mars the best way to keep people safe, want to kill somebody you make i want to see the bullet i don't need a gun for it i just got to go I said it, I said it. We got to kill some months. you know in down on earth we you in a lot of these experiments lead just like they did in the movie Aliens.

1:11:03 I get geeked out. ago they know there's been some just doozies that have landed. Fucking asteroid. I mean, do you see what's going on in this country? you're not confident about anybody who's running for president in this country. not going to fly anymore. That's stupid. The electoral college is ridiculous. It should be off work and you're, well, I'm gonna go vote, so

1:13:41 fucking argue with those people. That's hilarious. You had to pay an attorney to get you out of that? I think it's all right, man. I watched these little men fly through the air barefoot. Everybody's rooting for us Damn. Now, what happened with the judo Cuban guy? I saw this basketball game where somebody just like silver whatever the fuck do you think you could drop michael phelps off in the middle of the ocean and he would find a way to get to the shore yeah do

1:16:10 To your right in one mile is an island. You don't know. fucking Cubans, bro. Oh, yeah. That build You got to leave it when the tide is high. so think about that you know when you that's why when you always said to me nick diaz swims to because then it would be ice. But I know that it It was... or something like that, dude was like in serious serious condition in cold water it was fucking freezing out in cold water

1:18:48 What? That's a true story, bro. And he sat me down. He goes, Dog, A, you got to quit smoking and B, you got to lose weight and I got on the treadmill I can only do three minutes why he sat me down he goes dog hey you gotta quit smoking and be You're throwing punches like Muhammad Ali. I had swam and bowled in the master swimming program. I was just spinning around in circles.

1:20:29 So that's the pools outside. So they're just climbing the pool. even if the water's 90 degrees, it still sucks. and they go and all of a sudden they brought a hoist in And I'm like, dog, I'm drowning here. As they were coming in with the thing, I was walking out. And I never went back to the wire for about six months. I was so fucking embarrassed That's beautiful.

1:22:32 You know, it's not like you gotta get a beer with. fucking something. Water doesn't taste good I looked up what you told me. For water. It actually comes have been sucked into it it's's not like, you know, And that's, like, where all the water comes from. that you know you smoke your dope and you go to all those hippie things. A lot of hippie things.

1:25:17 the idea that it comes from asteroids and shit. of keep control of them but still maintain some sort of a civilization but t-rex just got way too was saying you were saying Their theory, whatever. He felt, you know, these people, whatever, felt that it was bigger. So they don't get burnt up. the moon if that's how many people are coming at us some of those are big there's some really big

1:27:58 And that's also significantly when the end of the Ice Age sort of is. And that somewhere around 10,000 to 12,000 years ago, most of civilization got fucked sideways. but you can't deny the shit that they built. meteors. Just because I get a little fucked up. All this stuff here in sunny California. We're getting pretty soft because of that. But if you live on the

1:30:18 And it was probably just to calm everybody the fuck down Okay? Wasn't that when Zeus was around? Odin. And then there's? What was that shit? Wasn't that when Zeus was around? That's Rome. That was the best one he ever did. abandon himself into a part he's one of was great. Oh, that guy can really abandon himself into a part. Oh, that's right. lamans is fucking nobody even talks for the first like 15 minutes of that movie it's a bunch of happening where you watch them this guy live in his life i mean he's driving

1:32:37 Like painting, that's one of the best ways you can create with a visual medium. I don't give a fuck. Great movie. You know, I grew up in Boston, so I was excited by it. Robert Mitchell movies. They're pieces of art. What does he say? The bell rings. you know, as far as like a guy a stupid comedy that wasn't that funny, The one he did with his wife.

1:35:41 he can't have a regular car. You know he made good movies. was his first that was his first uh henry winkler how much for the ring let me go outside ladies let Over the top. He did a movie that came out. Okay. Go ahead, please. Here, boy, you put on my glasses. roadhouse is so bad it's good that's why roadhouse roadhouse is my favorite hotel movie if i'm

1:38:01 And I got a lot of friends that are Mexican, so I got to watch the movie. So he has to beat up the warden. what the fuck is this? back in the old days. It's like a parody. God, it looks so horrible. It goes, I'm back. Think about that. you're like, who cares? I watched Superman the other day, and I watched Return of Batman or whatever, the one with Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito as the Joker.

1:40:19 I can't believe I ever thought that movie was good. clark kent or what's his name character clark kent right uh he was clark clint when he jumped off the kids get today though that they never got before is you get a history of cinema in a full form. shit for um he did american werewolf in london and like really cool like you know special effects type

1:42:36 You don't know what's fake and what's real. No? Saturday Night Live episode. this is so fucking, I was going to go to bed, but I guess not. I timed it. He started beating up white people. And I'll call me in the morning. He just hangs up on me. I timed it. Again, that was one of those movies that was great in 1980. You had to it but you watch it now and it's funny because when i first moved to colorado

1:44:34 and they all got together and they said and there was, you know, Steve McQueen, They got together. Wow. Wasn't George C. Scott in The Hustler? No. something like that have you seen the trailer for the new Superman movie what is it i think it was 63 or some shit like that you know it's another movie that was uh it's the 80s he gave you uh he let your mind run away with it you know and i always say that seeing the

1:47:33 So Marlon Brando was dead somewhere in that corner. He didn't give it to you. This is the only one way to make a Titanic you have to have one guy who's powerful as fuck with a crazy vision charles let me tell you something and all respect the fucking homie made some good movies what chuck Yeah, yeah, yeah. Up with anybody. He's the first guy ever, before Steven Seagal in that movie, that he put the cool ball in

1:49:54 85. Before that. He had The Octagon before the UFC. Good Guys Wear Black. wrecking crew he was like a party guest he was like had a tiny ass role and then in 72 he was So between 75 and 77, he didn't work. He was one of them. Have you met Gene LaBelle yet? I don't know his schedule. First of all, he was teaching some high-level shit last night. Oh, she has powerful legs, man.

1:52:54 She knows how to correct as you're correcting. like this so that one way when they pull on the arm it's going to go with the joint it's going to As soon as she locks that thing up, first of all, the speed that she locks it up is nasty as fuck. So she knows exactly what to do. and you don't even know what happened. you get at that there's just no way around it well ronda has got to that point that master point

1:54:54 I think she's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, hold on a second because I want to answer that question. Brian Carraway. I don't think so. you got high uh there's a movie called funky forest the first contact and it's a hilarious I knew she was fighting soon. mma movement now there where there wasn't just a year or two ago when gina carano stopped fighting

1:57:12 And that's almost exactly what cyborg is. because Ronda Rousey said that she was a cheater. If she really was, I mean, built like that unless somewhere along the line have a much more feminine look to their musculature you know there's a certain level that uh that some I understand when a woman Well, she could have took in this shit that used to be legal at GNC like she could have got on some mag 10 or

1:59:46 I don't remember. It's like taking a steroid. And what's really crazy She's a shoot box fighter. Who knows? I don't know. I'm not sure. Do you have to still subpoena the NACA? man again it's really kind of tricky it's uh it's it's it's almost like you're uh if you can't go adding some shit to a woman that doesn't belong there and uh i think that has to be taken very

2:02:53 if you go back to like the Frank Zane days, you know, you go back to like before steroids, As soon as they figured out how to add drugs into the equation, She looks like she fucking hijacked to herself. She turned herself into some sort of They take in some crazy shit that makes you closer to a man. She's got a body that don't fucking... Well, Ronda Rousey doesn't like the fact that her arms are real big.

2:05:29 she's ticklish i'll find the ticklish spot no and no matter what she was still just stop talking There's just no way around that, man. Why is there no fat on your leg? Pulls in. My buddy competed, so I went. I've never seen it in real life. She was the first girl first black blood clots there was no black blood clots. There was no black blood clots, fortunately.

2:08:42 Whatever's good, you should be happy. She's got to go to work. You put a bottle in a girl's pussy? fucking bottle inside a little monkey I started you know how dangerous that is Bro, I fainted. Oh, my God. Bro, you know, she was a fucking savage. Like, God damn, where the fuck is this going? up, and she's got a dick in her ass and her mouth. Like, she's sweating.

2:11:40 I've heard her be interviewed. She's done a lot of crazy shit too. Answer, cat toys. Are you nice? She's friendly. There's a market for that. And then you watch it. She likes it. No, it's not bad. He's friends with all those chicks. Her first anal. She's got to scale the great heights. Really? Yeah, you got to take an enema, too. so I could do this and I could make 500 bucks.

2:15:48 I don't think you're getting rich. I want you to fuck this chick and cum on her face. The whole world of porn completely changed. napster file sharing and shit like that now it's just the the fucking game is over the game's over They always have videos. Listen, we make it, you buy it, okay? I sell it, you pretend you don't buy it, but you do buy it.

2:18:09 they used to try to make like porn movie like the devil and mrs jones was a porn movie you know and it was an artistic movie something again whenever you wanted to that's why when i saw star wars when i was a little kid What's the movie? Well, let me go to iTunes real quick. I started comedy in 88, and I met Sussman. and fucking amazing yeah and they had those weird uh signs and the signs would like say like what

2:20:45 It's like a big thing from like math people like a lot of math people like to watch porn Will be gyrate and you're just looking at a porno. You know, I've seen girls gyrate hard. You understand me? You know, you get like I tried to masturbate marshmallow? Okay. really close you're not fighting there's no there's no animosity. No weirdness No need no extra need. It's a hovering over every fucking conversation you have

2:23:38 That's a chick that's gonna make some fucking mistakes. We're gonna do something crazy. You could talk her into some shit You're going to hang out with a drunk? We could trust all of them. brand we formulated our brand yeah what's that from we made our brand last friday yeah what was You know, I think you guys have done an amazing job Just to see that.

2:25:31 Because you walk out and he's right in there with a mop. I was still in high school. No, no, I didn't do any of that back then. But I tried to avoid sex. I mean, I would go there, and I would also like to go there because I had my car back then. She was dirty. loved that song, Night Moves, that to try to escape our reality like each other and every afternoon i bring over to my house i put on earth one in fire can't hide love off the the live album

2:28:58 you had to take him to the hospital he broke like a finger bro far off the ladder it's not a joke I remember just licking. That's what you did every day And then I got sent to summer school because I wouldn't do homework, bro. and I got thrown, she let me stick it No. If she touched my dick, I didn't want her in my life. I was one of those fucking momos.

2:31:16 my buddy Louie Donato, I still remember him. that she sucked my dick. And then she goes, you could cut in my hair. Dog, I left there fucking a long time though then i didn't give a fuck well you probably saw vice you saw so much vice as a Oh, I didn't want nothing. grabbed your dick she was dirty she was crazy you know how like people who don't smoke pot look at

2:33:15 You know what happened with that girl years later? What'd he do? steering wheel's fucked up you got a titan or whatever he was a mechanic right so he gave me Yes, so I was on one side of the street playing two-hand football and she was riding the bike this way let me tell you how good-looking this girl was she still won homecoming queen And him and his father came over to my house, liked to talk to me.

2:35:44 bro and I go dad that's the guy. Martin, get on it. It is going to be a goddamn spectacular extravaganza of a show. Doug Benson. And me. And when Joey and I have a big show this weekend in Denver at the Paramount Theater, these shows get us fired up for it. She was awesome, man. She was awesome. You know what it is? You were sick. Yeah. And if someone knows you, then it makes sense.

2:38:32 like oh silly red van oh silly and also tonight we have the ice house chronicles that goes off why the amount of people that rewatch it on you stream instead of YouTube or Vimeo I know. You can't just not label them. Just watch the Ustream. when it's on Twitter. are probably watching it on youtube or vimeo no they're watching it right now on you stream and

2:40:57 Don't forget to come to the Ice House. For going back and labeling thousands of videos. I know, but what I'm saying is, if you go to JoeRogan.net, where everyone goes to watch an old episode. I'm going to go to Joe Rogan's website. and I know I'll have somebody do it They're watching it right now. You know what I'm saying? I don't understand what's going on.

2:43:03 Where else are we going, dog? The Lion King. The Lion King. And again, that's Ari Shaffir, Joe Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and me. There's a couple of them left. Well you know The one before That's beautiful Testicle Testaments. 10 o'clock, so three hours from now, we will have for live broadcasting Twitter messages and just put them up there. all the time.

2:45:18 and we appreciate you guys Use the mind, ladies and gentlemen. ShroomTechImmune Otherwise it makes you We got a whole lot of people Thank you.