Joe Rogan Experience #258 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hit it. He's got long arms and short legs and a high-tied ass and a barrel of snakes for a back. his name is joe rogan And I started breaking down your body. That's crazy. it's true your legs are actually yeah my body's very weird yeah you're actually your body it's take before i feed you the grass-fed steaks that i got we've got some grass-fed steaks i'm too high

3:14 No, no, no. It's not that big a deal. You do feel everything way more intensely. Yeah, it's a sativa. We got you high once before the show. I'm glad you reminded me. I'll be in Vegas and the Paris at the Paris was a great new room and we're so we're softer on the belly there's something about about having to It's called the mafia. a Mob Wives show? They would kill

6:28 show and just make light of it like it's no big deal to be a fucking mob wife because i guarantee Yeah, he was dealing with that every day. Teflon, the Teflon Don. Bruce Buffer? Something like Cotter? I thought he was an Italian guy. What is his name? He's got a great sense of humor, He said about Gotti, he said, Something like that. And I saw these two dudes in suits with open shirts.

9:20 Clearly to do something like... And I remember looking at how big and formidable they were Took a big bite out of organized crime couldn't shake down local businesses anymore because they weren't they were all LLCs and things Whoa. And brought the whole thing down. Sexual patriot is a new distinction. because I know a lot of you guys it just says, like, powerful Joe Rogan, Olive Garden, Butthole.

11:53 You're just an authentic dude. Or they figured out real quick that you just had a problem with it. Well, you were willing to tolerate some really ridiculous people in your life. And you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you accommodated them. why don't why i don't do that anymore why don't suffer fools anymore is because when you when you procrastination if i think back on it i think a lot of it was just high-tech procrastination. If I think back on it, I think a lot of it was just high-tech

13:54 he talks about this a lot. I say, if you really want to try an exercise, just ask yourself if you couldn't fail. bring up the word money, because it conjures up both negative and positive images in us. And most of us are conditioned to be guilty about having too much. ways you can get cynical about the way this world is wired now but the bottom line is a lot of americans know i may

16:25 shape like why are you so concentrated on that like for real i go if i gave you a pill and in If you do hard work, you become that. sexually attracted way, it makes you feel uncomfortable. So you want to pull the goalpost And that's what I do. I don't feel good. and it becomes a part of my habit. Be proud of getting work done. And I think it's important.

19:23 shit i asked him not to give away my phone number He's fucking crazy. That's it. And I think a lot of people go into this notion of scarcity, I had a friend who got a part, and as he got a part, It's very important. I don't want to introduce yours into the equation as well. I'm like, guess what? If you don't fuck your kids up, if you raise them like they're friends and you talk to them and communicate with them,

22:40 claus is real i'm down for pretend but when it comes to emotions one of the child as well just like her and i was telling her like i very remember biting this girl and it was No, I haven't really. She's not, I mean, say stepdaughter. it's always got to be yes exactly Do you think that you have a – I was just talking about this with – I just recorded something with Jay Moore on my podcast.

25:04 hanging out my boys at 10th planet and John John Machado's having a good time have a good time doing my stand-up doing my work have a good time doing jujitsu hanging out my boys at 10th planet and john jock machados having a good time driving around Brian's wife's here. I said we are going to mark our lives by the number of times we laughed with each other,

26:13 podcast jamie kilstein podcast in a in a van filled with other people like he was on on tour Joey Diaz. No drama. It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari i would come after i've never met stanhope and i'm a big oh really yeah i'd love to meet him he's a He's like, when are you going to retire? And when they don't want to listen anymore, when you're doing like half-filled shows

28:59 It could be a lapse. Well, my dad's 72. yet he doesn't care he takes it? When I reach retirement, then I'm going to change. table for my kids you'll set very, very good example to your children so I don't want to be too disrespectful to people Most of the people who get an easy ride, if they don't earn it, they wind up fucking it up. you concentrate on him and hate on him, that is wasted resources. What you should be concentrating

32:10 you're going to have to put daily practice into Look, you're going to be... and long-term commitments. I set 3-month goals, 6-month goals, 9-month goals, 12-month goals. like as far as like what i want to get done in days during the day but i my goal is to be doing i didn't get any water that's you well i grew up uh completely obsessed with martial arts and that

34:21 You're crazy. these sick fucks that I trained with. It was another guy that I actually made fun of who was like more of an assistant. He never called anybody. When I was in high school, I always forget that you're a really good drawer. Thank God for him. I don't know. Mr. Hallman. standing on top of something and he was always screaming about nam you know and uh people would

37:47 gonna get in a horse stance push my balls into my body and read Nietzsche I can't do any movement with my balls. Does that work? not we'd go like two weeks without like you know jerking off or getting laid and it would just make you really feel really aggressive i wouldn't do that come on come on let's go get some come on i would think that your body's producing more testosterone

40:12 going mother well listen i'm going i'm coming i'm coming i'm coming hunting with you and i and let's I'm coming. The whole, like he went to a ranch once. meat to like poor people yes yes yes they give the meat to needy families and it's good meat it's I like coyotes. himself every coyote that ever lived i will put a bullet in his brain if i catch What do you want me to do here?

43:19 Yeah, pit bulls are great. hey get down here now i knew because i could adopt him because i had a i go hey i loved her this one we were completely retarded i was like hey won she beat the male she did yep yeah i left him for dead he was all fucked up oh really he was in And they fought, you know what they fought over? where they didn't kill the animal.

45:00 and she said, these other dogs, i got so good at getting like choking them out yeah off each other i mean but What do you mean? I'd rush them to the vet. and I come running out. they had other fucking pills and they were in these cones and knocking everything over and and so they get in In the future. Tried it many times with my dogs, and they were like, ah, this is just cooling us down.

47:32 some dogs think that the other dog is doing it to them, Yeah, because the advertisement said, like, re-impossibly fast Acura or some shit And it really looked like a beagle. had to shoot it i said why he goes oh i don't know well let's see got a hold of the baby cow um and 100 pounds it was so full of blood it was just it was just so swollen with blood lust and he said

49:40 That's what pimples by the way. That's also pig man. You ever see when they hunt them that way? Those are like, he's talking about this is an M4 with a fully automatic. like this is the most carnage I have ever seen on television and this is crazy to watch they were treating that bull it made me feel really bad for the bull and I was and coming out of his mouth yep that those guys that's a badass that's a badass sport i will say

52:20 They learn very quickly how. You're not you're not fucking with a with they can lift a horse well what's really smart about them is their memory. They know who you are, No joke. Elephant versus truck. They sent it to me. World's Dumbest. Yeah, TV's on the way out. I don't know. Oh, you couldn't label it the Brian Callen Show before? little tiny cocks all over there you go little tiny ones a sea how about an image an image really

56:10 Yeah, they got arrested. and these giant signs say free pussy riot and i'm like wow that's hilarious like what a weird on well you're not allowed to use the word riot um there's certain we have certain trigger words read the clauses you put in there um who reads reads it uh the the a handful of reporters from the new york post who put out a book called

58:31 that there are so many vested interests that find their way into that law. So if you want This is why you say, do you want the majority of our resources in Washington under this massive roof, Yeah. scientists go wait a minute you've got to be very careful they all take money from pfizer etc yeah They'll put you in jail if you just grow hemp, which is a cousin of marijuana.

1:00:50 And these are very good doctors at a very well-renowned hospital. cost $30,000 a year but it was the exact same thing as the generic drug or whatever the other It was worth it to Eli Whitney to pay that fine and be dishonest because people still, everybody's there i think anytime you have four major players and nobody Yeah, it is a problem when you create a bunch of different government jobs.

1:03:54 that would be allowed it's scary that that doesn't prompt some i mean if you were an insider trading What you do, the way you do it, And when are we going to come to our senses and realize that this should not be illegal? I mean, Obama's not even represented. Well, he can't do a thing without Congress. don't chew in front of the camera bro that's disgusting i know i got i got i looked at that

1:06:23 what he did was create a method for the And the guy's name is Benny. You hear that banging? They don't like the fact that we're in here having fun while they're out there with the kids screaming. My mother's like, oh, I'm just having the kitchen redone for the second time. Yeah, exactly. It's so old school. he's trying to say i think think, in a lot of ways,

1:10:17 It gives you perspective binney had stepped out by the way they broke into his house and stuck a fucking gun in his face too is based on, And with the new transparency that exists because of the internet, And what is that job? Is there a way to do that and still be a good country and still not be completely and totally corrupt? You've got to make noise.

1:12:51 Compared to most parts of the world. Did you see Hacking Democracy? No. Hacking Democracy makes a The guy on the show showed how he can alter the results of any election. if you're going to be a politician you're going to be completely you got to be transparent everything creepy bankers and there's only a fucking small handful of them and if the military doesn't listen

1:14:35 Oh, that's my phone. goes deeper into buildings. Yeah. The real question is, does voting really work anymore? Young people aren't as angry or in the streets because you can't really necessarily make a difference. philosophically, philosophically. Nobody wants people to go hungry and stuff. Government should be treated like a necessary evil, religion and stuff i i would be like well he was kind of a stud businessman but i don't even know

1:17:31 His whole family lives in the dark. Well, I don't believe in medical marijuana. And by the way, he was a stud, you know, Bain Capital. Don't have to worry about war when you get to a federal level and you're dealing with multi-billion dollar contracts I think it's just a bunch of interests that get together and it snowballs. And before you know He goes, they spent $100,000 importing sand so that they could play volleyball in the desert.

1:19:43 What happened with the banking industry? talking, the mathematician who how much of my money are you spending? YouTube, again, besides this Benny guy, also YouTube Milton Friedman, I believe in liberty. I'm a Windows man myself. I want to talk about ideas republicans being prejudiced and then they're completely prejudiced against anybody who has That makes me pretty progressive, but at the same time,

1:23:10 So don't call me... It's written by David Fromm, who talks about, against yeah you can't vote against the page how do you change it joe how do you change it i don't Wow. organization and they said he said he had a problem with Israel going and assassinating Hamas leaders. And he said, the way you beat Hamas is not with guns because Hamas is an idea.

1:25:22 by passing the National Defense Author authorization act is nothing short of Posse comatitis, done. No one vetoed it. Don't think anybody gets to say I think that influence the influence of that money is so strong. It's so sharp all of a sudden, your kid at school is being fed all different kinds of food that is not The ability to have people arrested with no recourse, man.

1:27:37 They're letting everybody know that the rules are fake. and they were sleeping in bed together, That's just what dudes do. No, I don't have any. But a lot of guys are. and it's so dorky and creepy. Isn't he American? I'm almost positive he's American. That's what he is. Australia is, they're like a little more relaxed than us. you know he comes over here and just half filled crowds and doesn't make any sense he goes

1:30:28 Australia, I'm coming. Yeah. like shit for days you know they say that the radiation from those planes misfiring sort of a brain when you're hungover but if I'm having a good time i can go i can feeling unless they've actually done it but there's a giant responsibility that I was like, oh, okay. You're number 15 now? Are you ready? That's what I said.

1:34:49 all right your fans are great too they were all they were literally all they all i couldn't get I don't know. whether I'm right or wrong, you become an idiot. You know, I'm just, I'm not scared. We like steaks. would like look down on you as if there was something wrong with you that you legitimately represented you know when a guy gets buck wild and lives like mike tyson he's not celebrated

1:38:18 So they'll they'll take it out of the man when they finally take it out of the man a man gives up There's a great deal to learn and accomplish about liking certain things and it's by the way it's just as masculine to play I don't understand. There's nothing wrong with that, man. They marginalize your opinion and they marginalize you. Well, it might not even be that.

1:40:50 sticking his big cock inside of you, a feeling of you not a bad feeling a feeling of finding someone who's different than you and conveniently putting them in a box so that You have to be able to look at yourself and your own nonsense. It's fun for them, and it doesn't make them less of a human. really are a reflection of how you view yourself You have to add to yourself.

1:43:34 writing and stand-up is that as I do it, I start to realize in some ways I've always been writing man. It takes a while. And be easy on yourself. Well, be honest with yourself. We call each other and we're like, whenever you've done that to me whenever I've done Don't take criticism from somebody who doesn't know what they're doing, together it's hard to find people who are also like on the right track and not

1:46:11 yeah this guy's just nonsense just talking nonsense he wants too much attention you're this is going to be his thing man is la la so full of that too so full of broken people best because the winter it rains all the time it rains like once a week and that's what we We've got to get ourselves a big plot of land and build some fucking... Well, the pigs really can get out of hand when they're feral.

1:48:17 No, I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Paris, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I think so. He just keeps getting his and the difference between mma boxing and boxing with big gloves is you can't you can't protect yourself the same way with just like a high guard and blocking things because the gloves are small and they can slip through openings and catch your chin or catch your temple whereas like you have the big gloves on you could peck off a lot more shots and also in MMA boxing of course you have to realize that with the smaller gloves, they can hit

1:50:08 And also, you know, the dealing with— A lot of people thought he won that fight. I do know that he's the toughest small man on the planet. Frankie is? He's a beast. They're just killers, man. That's a word that gets tossed around a lot. Like, when he got Mike Brown, he got Mike Brown when he won the title. And Mike came out to my stand-up, actually, in West Palm Beach. He's great.

1:52:20 That guy is just a gorilla. players a lot of people are looking at soccer players that eventually get into jujitsu and It's crazy. soccer players which aldo was aldo was like ready to go professional but then it seems like mma Yeah, you have to have... because they learn how to throw themselves into a punch And he puts that into his right hand now and ba-boom!

1:55:14 Yeah. guys like badr hari and he dropped them with like front kicks to the body and because semi's Shogun is a long-time MMA champion. You know, John, every time you see him, he's better. you're going to beat this guy. also that chael had been taunting him and so he didn't you know didn't want to like yeah also The way he shut down Rampage, the way he shut down

1:58:05 directly and and emotionally and all those rematch clause so you have a rematch clause so if chael Is there, though, or is there more demand, Oh, that makes sense. so because the wec doesn't exist anymore now we have all the 35s all the 45s all right the 55s He won. He won. Those two guys are both world class. Yeah. tell you what though his fucking takedowns were ridiculous and his

2:01:08 that his takedown defense are ridiculous grabbed him He actually offered to step in and fight before he knew the card was canceled He won't fight Machida, but there's a lot of other guys at 205. Yeah, well, I would like to see him against Glover, Glover Teixeira. He's about 230. He cuts down to 205 but And he finally got a fight in the UFC and fought Kyle Kingsbury

2:03:40 him he's like this guy's like world class and nobody knows who he is and shogun didn't want Shogun did, with people. He was at Denver. That's a fight where people need to know really seasoned, before he heals up i've talked to other wrestlers about henderson they say there's there's wrestling She said, I think she said to his father, he goes, what did you feed him?

2:05:22 Yeah, well, the podcast is two hours and 22 minutes. Oh, it's just a little bit more podcast It was so fun. Was it a good show? and it's all technical and stuff, and we just want something. for how repressive we were and suck your blood, other like, I shouldn't be doing this. I swear to God, I'll go to church tomorrow. It's not a belief thing. to work together

2:07:59 actually that you before penicillin and now they got now they got uh gonorrhea a strain of gonorrhea in Yeah. She's holding onto him. It's a girl fantasy. There's no time to come. They just want to be with you. That's what it was. died from like the spanish flu or something like that yeah influenza yeah i was like that night they're fucking 21. I wouldn't really give a fuck.

2:11:03 Well, ass up in the end guys would just be stroking and they'd be like yeah my buddy keith i don't need a who fucks guys i'm not even sure that's like you're not even, you're not really even gay. You're just a dude who fucks guys. I'm not even sure. Easy with the labels. Whereas like Asian guys have a hard time when it comes to white women. Dude. white women are like the fuck i went and saw i went with some of the cast

2:12:52 They're tiny anyway. How much alcohol? Like, what are they then? listen, impossible that that's a guy and they were like that's a guy. It's impossible that that's a guy. And they were like, that's a guy. That's a big strip club and there was a girl there with a cowboy hat a lot of money in a band a very popular band and he married uh and he married her and which only

2:15:40 And the man show was, the man show, see that sign behind it said make me hard see that they uh she's got whipped cream she puts whipped cream on her tits. So her dick was like black and sick. Is that weird? It was like it was rotting away. and this crazy bitch that he had just sucked whipped cream off her tits yeah and now she's Because it couldn't be make me hard

2:18:03 It's not even standards and practices. They would tell us to change the subject. to this it's good how about the brian callan experience no yeah no it's a joe rogan experience that will have Doug stand up. and on Facebook and even Google+. And we will begin construction and it will be dope and then we will take shit to the next level you motherfuckers

2:20:28 uh, a vegan athlete, shit mostly grass-fed though that's the way to go all right this fucking podcast is over i'm rambling so come Macy Hall, rather, in Toronto on the 21st. And those North Carolina dates Follow Alienware MMA on Twitter, please Big feet. Thank you for your time. And that's it for the week.