Joe Rogan Experience #259 — Mike Birbiglia Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hey everybody, it's Joe Rogan, and this is my podcast. they're selling we sell the best quality nutrients. Some of them are I want you to just go to Google and just Google the word nootropics. N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C. i don't know your finances but you don't seem like you need a lot of money but you were on a network is get involved in anything that I didn't really.

2:42 Even though that show was retarded, I think kettlebells is the best piece of exercise equipment that you can have. muscle power, and it's all exercises that make your body move as one complete unit, as opposed and even just for picking shit up and even just for having a strong body. Do girls who are bisexual, I don't know. the joe's in the fucking house experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night

5:34 Well, I know from my personal experience, it makes a big difference for me what I eat. I only ate once. i have to clean the kale and clean celery and cucumbers and then I take chunks of ginger and raw garlic and there's a thing called a what is the you're you know you do the ultimate fighting uh stuff yeah is that what it is yeah it's called I mean, it's not the healthiest thing to be an Olympic gymnast.

8:12 If you look at the guys like Anderson Silva, I swear to you Boston comedy gigs in Worcester Is it still a Knicks comedy stop? Pizza's great. i thought that massachusetts pizza was really good until I moved back to New York. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it just was ridiculously good, thin crust pizza. It's just this giant line of people who are basically waiting to get a very mediocre hot dog.

11:22 Like, we all know comics like that. No. Brody. doing real fucking comedy they're still saying what they really really think yeah yeah so because And I go, no. anthony cumia and sam roberts we all went there drove a big fucking limo together we all had this guy there's nothing like him yeah i loved i love doug and then of course doug when he finds before because people listen to it so much but like it's like um i've seen it in the ratings it's

14:46 Oh, that's a good idea, What's going on? like we did we're doing three together and i did one yesterday with brian callan just me and brian I was in town doing a UFC. Yeah, because I realized I was doing two long sets i like i did i wanted to do like these really long sets because i didn't want out working the door at the dc improv and it was and it was really like comedy college because i

17:25 multimedia presentation it's because he can make so many crazy noises with his mouth and he has so That would be something else. there's a lot of funny guys like Stan Hope. in Bisbee where he lives. I have a real problem with comedy classes that are taught by people who are non-comedians. If you haven't actually done stand-up, and you have to do it for years, you have to get

19:18 and then finding, at the end of the movie, over again and go eventually go okay i can i can do something like that. It's a weird thing when you start to realize that it's a craft, And you get conflicted, It's so embarrassing. like somebody else before i figured out who i was and then he i mean i think girald is one of the was like ew you fraud yeah yeah i was like you fucking rich jenny clone what are you doing i was

22:03 I had that with Stephen Wright, Mitch Hedberg, and then mildly similar. But people are What are you saying? Yeah. Somebody will, if they're looking, and then there's people that just are crazy, accuses me of sounding like Woody Allen because I'm like a suburban white kid grown up and That one album, which is a compilation of, I think, three records,

24:32 That is intensely, intensely weird. I mean, how did they ever even develop that kind of a relationship? Yeah. Like, that's the feeling that they get. And he was convicted of that horrible crime. And there was a judge who was really high and mighty and kind of got carried away about his or her own ego and how the judge him or but his i mean what has what a fucked up state of mind he had to have been in yeah after his

27:50 place yeah we have like yeah we have a few bedrooms and it's we're able to and also just This is a bad sign of when times We lost the Circuit City too. But Brooklyn, on the other hand, is like really burgeoning like oh really small restaurants slower. You're kind of like, you're fucking being so I mean, it's really not that much different than a beehive or an anthill.

30:14 and get away from the business. you go in somewhere, you order a cup of coffee. You're like, we're going to be here for a little And we brought our cat, Ivan, who had never been anywhere but our apartment. And so usually if you have a cat, you don't even see ones that can infect you is that right oh yeah they have a massive impact on human behavior

32:28 It's a brain parasite. He's old, though. He's 16 years old. 80% of the country had it. By the way, because I haven't backed up any. It's a brain parasite. about rodents man i know well have you ever heard the rat King concept? No. I just heard about this recently. and there's there's this phenomenon theoretically called the rat king which is that certain rats are

35:40 it's hard to what is this A rat king in the scientific museum. Yeah. about rats whoa that seems like horrific yeah if you go to it with folks if you go to the of nightmares it's what one would one should fear most rodents are fucking scary animals man yeah Yeah. I came here today to blow Joe Rogan's mind, and I have to... Well, you know, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's not true.

38:53 But I think it's probably, Like we have our beck and call, any food, any type of food we want prepared any way Some nutty thing that they just, just goes up to the heavens. Yes. That doesn't resemble anything in nature. Yeah. Some nutty thing that they just, you know, Like, it was futuristic, but it was futuristic in a way that was like, you can just about see it coming.

40:29 You go on, and they say, well, you might like this. It's amazing. I know. a true foe film which is great have you ever seen that no day for night did you get it from amazon You have to go to the Mexican hood to get El Yucateca. vegetarian before i tried it uh when i was trying to lose weight when I was a kid, a fucking steak yeah i don't feel like my body wants red meat yeah and people say let's you know that's uh unevolved and lustful killing and those cows are not gonna live forever if you just let

43:17 I haven't had veal in a long time. Nope. What's funny is I'm looking at your image. actually defy because you're you're great i was listening to your albums this week. You defy the Joe Piscopo rule, which is No, with Piscopo, the problem was If you stop and think about the guys that you hung out with when you were an open-miker. Yeah, I can see that.

45:46 You're right. And so was DiPaaul because we because doing professional gigs and uh i got see DiPaolo once on stage Oh, Like when Kinison was going, because, because when he, remember, remember when he, though he was one of my earliest influences. I was married that fucking because try to scare you blah blah blah connect myself to someone like Jerry Seinfeld.

48:24 it's probably your audiences who get your sense of humor. cause I heard that bit on your album where you're like, to define you from there on. It's this. It had 100,000 miles on it. and you drive by like a Best Western, and it says Comedy Night Wednesday. So it was like the combination of what I would become was like a soft-spoken kind of storyteller.

50:46 the first guy we were somewhere i can't remember what city it was but you were in a big place you It was before we ever even did the podcast. like all over the place yeah he like he would be doing like 20 25 phoners a week wow yeah holy Got hammered together. can taste the pickles you can taste of course he has cheeseburger potato chips it's it is probably

53:12 manufactured chip that's from some factory somewhere is that really aged cheddar yeah Right. I mean, does grape soda even have grapes in it? It's a fake grape. Larry the Cable Guy. Doesn't need the money, so he clearly believes in cheeseburger potato chips. It really is. It's like ghostly. It is. Yeah. that's been boiled down and it's dead there's no enzymes in it there's no like all this stuff that

56:37 And it was milk in glass bottles, and they would deliver it to your house. not at all no not anymore whole foods is like they're they're so big that they uh there's And the one that ferments the most is really the best for you. It tastes way better. I'll have a banana, I'll have a sandwich. I think there's walnuts in the sandwich. like i won't you know rub them on her body i'm just gonna eat it right here and he was like

59:27 So you can't go in the grocery store? thing is strange it's like i really don't want people to die because they have a nut allergy, can't she just have one of those little asian masks you know like the little white mass That's insane. They said it's rare. Oh, that's enough. from the crunching of the peanuts, apparently. Oh. That would suck. Everybody's eating some shit that if you go to the supermarket, there's tubs of poison.

1:02:31 People that are allergic to peanuts, it fucking kills you dead, brain cancer patients your way it might be weird if like in like 30 years it might be weird though fly in a plane, you get massive amounts of radiation. bodies and it might work on you know there's a thing about any sort of exposure to things that That's ridiculous. physical, becoming a pro wrestler.

1:05:13 Like Paul Ryan, we don't know Paul Ryan. hey, what do you guys got? trail could fucking throw it down oh yeah he was an actor he was yeah being an actor and you know And of course, they went fucking apeshit. They're not going to listen to a man who doesn't have children. We want to see your kids get to be about 15 before you start running shit. To be the bidding?

1:07:36 he's raised in an interracial relationship, all shit that's supposed to be prevented in the Constitution and he's just allowing this stuff to go These guys are in a vampire orgy of blood money, And what we're going to do is give America back to the small businesses, to the families. Look how white my wife is. And they just keep sucking money out of the system the whole time.

1:10:15 When it becomes more and more transparent, you realize what an incredible job they've done of just keeping everybody in the dark and just running things from the background. it's like amazing. what person of our age group we should raise defense spending. So when you say raise defense spending, I'm down for strengthening anything in America. be harder to get medical pot I mean maybe but other than that what the fuck

1:12:15 I think at three, I got to go over and be on Conan. dealing with like you have to try to be entertaining all the time. It was really crazy. a guilty person they would bring in a series of investigators that would ask you the exact And I'll be like, yeah. And they'll be like, was it? My girlfriend, Abby, and I moved in together. I don't remember being so long.

1:15:03 my sleepwalking got more dangerous. You say that on stage. You say you're going to go see the doctor, you don't. Nice shirt, loser. So that's a big, like, altruistic move. Hates everybody. like this emotional connection because you have something at stake. Mark's a good guy. Awkward interviews, like when someone's asking half-hearted questions You're so calm, always aware of people's attention spans.

1:18:48 This is my main call. Someone getting pregnant. Sleepwalk With Me, the one-man show. it was just comedic essays holy shit dude Second story window. What's going on here? There's something up with comedians. I take an anti-anxiety that the doctor prescribed. And it makes you just completely not know what you're doing. they don't know what the fuck is going on. Yes.

1:21:39 And it's a really narrow staircase. And the wife was like yelling at the guy, just keep walking. Just whacked out on ambien and was like, what? There's cases where it's been used as an alibi. That's a paper trail right there. And that there were all these military personnel in the room with me. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. She's like, what are you doing?

1:24:42 You don't get it. And so that's the credits of the movie. He just kind of jumps through windows and walls. or say. So she's Oh, is it? and sleep-induced insomnia. Yeah. you start doing something that requires dexterity and focus and concentration that's what wakes you Crack over and over again in your hands, vibrating in your hands. It really looks cool, really funny.

1:28:01 you can see in the next month just anytime. for coming on. Sorry, you dirty bitches. Are you fucking kidding me? I will. Next week, I'm in Santa Barbara at the Lobero Theater. Birbigs. We will see you Friday. So we'll see you guys for all the positive messages in time. I've said too many words. They're meaningless