Joe Rogan Experience #26 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 There it goes. Joining me this week is my good pal, the very funny Mr. Bill Burr. That's on the IMDb page. This is a thing you... It's patent and rubber technology. You jerk off though, right? to me the first minute of your podcast well i'm just trying to see how you react oh yeah i hope you got a good yeah i got a good gauge yes i'm into i'm into porn i like the videos

1:50 It looks exactly like a pussy, Hold it up to the camera. Look at that. That's why I hand it to people. They're the only ones left. Now, you know what? Yeah, why fucking pretend it's a person? that it actually does look like a vagina? And what if the butthole version They're like 10% extra Yeah like your hand see your dick or and we'll try to gauge that's more disgusting

4:50 You know it's longer. A load might be better? but it's just sort of maybe it's just was just an accident mark he's marking me it's an accident you gotta stop being sitting in Yankee Stadium and I have to have the game on mute and have like, no one's my favorite. Some dudes get crazy. That's because they're so emotionally invested like me with the celtics i want them to win and

7:27 It's a trick. you know, the whole thing's rigged. I heard the Kardashians looked into the moon landing. one of the easiest games to fix you know they had a problem with that with professional pool So there was an there was a bunch of shots where dudes were like, what the fuck is this? for taking a 300,000 euro bribe. Money. I don't know what snooker is.

10:17 Remember that? So you'd get one of these goofy fucking things. Like guys will back pool players. Yeah. And it made like no – I'm trying to equate it to what you do. And then all of a sudden it was like, did these guys bet us? interesting conspiracy theorists that i know because bill burr you'll start talking to him Thinking I'm just going to give him my address.

12:48 Yeah. So I only had a map of Los Angeles. It was very easy. Let the computer do it. know what it they beam a signal up to a satellite it burns back down through the atmosphere and into How do you think I'm getting it right now? I have lead why would you think that plastic bottle You just got done doing research on that, Yeah, being heated up in a warehouse maybe.

15:18 See, I like how you're concerned about this. and he sends me that sends me a text he's like you know dude it's pretty funny you know how like a shortage of fucking human beings there's six billion of us all right there's plenty of people off your front steps walking your dog down the street and you had a red mark looking like fucking Jimmy Snuka when I can't catch you, right?

17:36 Yeah, and he had all that scar tissue up there. The Rock is somehow related to Superfly Snooker. He was my number one. You know, he's in there doing like the... It hasn't caught on. You're not going to get that from wrestling. Not American. Yeah, because now you're dealing with like the shit talking goes to a whole nother level. Do you hear what's going on in Africa?

19:51 Basically no happiness. By the way, how's that coffee taste? Yeah. It's not a cat. Somebody must have been desperate when they first tried it, but now it's worth a lot of Yeah, it changes the flavor. is from Hawaii. I know the Janjawee. carrying around fucking rocket launchers down the streets i mean some of the like liberia like some there's been war in Liberia forever.

22:57 like 10, 20 years ago general butt naked because he would go to war and he would get butt naked and he believed that he I mean, I don't know. You want somebody more... This is the end. Oh, Ed Bagley Jr. Because if you don't, all you're doing militia because if you don't all you're doing people leaving yeah yeah oh this city would be the worst ever there's they don't even know how

26:08 But you know what? It's really, that's how it's supposed to be. That would be the problem is things would they You know, like literally, if you wanted to keep people out, you would have to constantly be shooting people. D.C. by the time they fucking there's one guy that was ahead of Blackpool. He's being processed for a bunch of different things. for a bunch he's the guy he actually has his own

28:37 back over he went back i think he went to both afghanistan and iraq but he definitely went to It's Eric Prince is the owner of Blackwater, It's just like, yeah, well, I got guns and an endless bag of snow peas or whatever. Semper Fi, motherfucker. That's how it goes down in Mexico, the drug lords. That's true drug lord you know it's just a matter of time before something happens with one of those

30:44 use mercenaries during Clinton. We've been doing that for a while, though. wrestling finally just came out Yeah, and they changed it to WWE. Sleer water. There's two schools of thought. But then you see also the other argument. and the more conflict they keep going on, Yeah, but all that bullshit where they justify sweatshop labor You know what I mean?

33:00 Dude, that's what scares me when I go on the road. you know, And they did it on the laptop. unfortunately, sir, It was three months. Because I didn't catch him. For credit cards, you have 30 days to return shit. there has to be something official because nowadays you can write a check and within hours that check clears your bank. It can't be bad. because I knew I had 1,000-something in there.

36:12 It is on me because I didn't realize that your bank could fucking steal from you there's actually something that just passed you guys uh especially the audience might want to Is that what that letter was about? like you would have seven things go through like a three dollar charge and then you get charged I understand. I have one on the way out. That should be against the law.

38:52 sell more seats than there are seats that should be that should be i think they thought they figured When does that happen now? So they're not actually overselling it because they'll get rid of those tickets for you Could you fucking imagine? stupid joke about winning the lottery how nobody respects you like you move into a rich neighborhood because it would kill, you know.

41:10 they just, okay, where's the joke? have to change but fucking destroyed was a reference to uh uh rick flair really that's We're like, English. I feel like when British comedians or comedians from over there, They don't get that. you get very spoiled for a certain particular type of comedy. that are like big name comics the amount of guys. The big monsters, Steve Sweeney, Kenny Rogerson, Don Gavin, Mike Donovan.

44:27 Yeah, oh yeah. for the first couple minutes Mike Donovan was one of my favorites. So I had like blue collar jobs. Donovan was a—he's another one. they weren't paying taxes on it. I think those are those guys out in Long Island. let me tell you something I saw that guy in 1988 just trying to make people laugh didn't know what the He had just done and talks about it.

47:41 that they all got work they all got work in boston they didn't have to leave see when they were working at Nick's Comedy Stop and they were working at Stitches and all these different clubs, what i love about those guys is there was almost like a height requirement too like they were all Oh, they offered to pay me in Coke. I'll take cash. Yeah, I'll take cash. What the fuck? Like, I thought that was the deal. Did you do coke? I go, no. We could pay in coke. No. I'll take cash.

48:56 Because I guess... hands taped up i think his hands were on but i that had to have been a promotional When did you start? Like, yeah, the comedy scene here sucks the scene's so bad, Dude, the first time I ate my fucking balls on stage, Yeah. go do comedy for a bunch of people were angry at you for shutting the game off it was brutal and i we were so green

51:38 with just like a lapel on is up with this mic he's like this is the smallest mic ever look i'll put it my head in his mouth Do you? I don't know how you do comedy with a jacket on. with the shirt I was talking about I had like a button Like, Jay, what you doing here? He kept on going into it. It's fucked up. And he's like, what? He was number five.

54:13 nobody wants to talk about. No, no, no. Yeah, but ratings in general. the masturbating bear. They fucked it. late night show where guys would go on and all the guests would go on and it would be So the brilliance of it all right, let's get this guy out of here I don't think he bombed on purpose. He's totally right about that. I completely agree. But everybody's making out like Jay is this asshole

56:43 don't feel bad for me. And that was it. I'm a big fan of his show. He does do that, but if that's how he wants to portray himself, He fucking forced him out. The fucking Late Shift book. Yes, until he got Hugh Grant on. I want the fucking Tonight Show. And they didn't want That's ridiculous. He's brilliant. I saw that sketch. the anything controversial out of his monologues or out of his sketches they probably stopped him

59:47 It was funny when they Oh yeah Speaking of that Who the fuck has the money? who actually was It's like a mini car. I-S-E-T-T-A, 1957. look, it's got one wiper you know, $67,500 for that hunk of shit. How do you know who's in the audience and where they got their money from? Where did it go? They got the fucking houses. and they got the fucking houses back

1:02:26 or you make old people You should be fucking That's nothing? I don't know what I'm talking about. He fucked a lot of important people. Yeah But he was for an investigation into his his firm like years and years ago and they ignored it they just kept it seems like it's all bullshit but look obviously there's this alan greenspan guy seems very bright

1:05:11 stopped talking to people about it because it's like if I really start informing people I like people going you put your money in They had like They just doubled You live in a fucking desert. two hours drive you know what I'm saying whenever I'm down I wish there was a Mexican comedian here right now. There's no other place in the world that I know of

1:07:40 This standard of living that we have in America, Can I? I don't know. I would love to become Ain't that big when she walked by and stuff. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, they got a new learn how to type program. Yeah. Dude, you'll be... it was going to solve So I just looked in the back. I flushed it. And he's just like, just. I'm so jealous of people who can do that.

1:11:22 You could buy a kit and build your own army Jeep. So what he did was he went out and he stole a brand new one he's like a welding thing and he just sort of cut it into pieces and would just sort of It's a computer, and there's so much shit going on. like my first car, I had a Ford Ranger, And maybe I'll try to get some more horsepower in this. I didn't even think.

1:14:25 And then I thought, that fucks with me today. It fucks with you because you're into the environment or because he made you look stupid? Because you're uninformed, he becomes an old fuck. Like monitors. It goes in the gutter. Really? Back in the day when there wasn't computer chips and it was easy. And then I saw a rubber. Oh, it was so nasty. And there was fucking just these little squares where they changed the diaper and they were like put it on the ground.

1:17:07 They're all over my fucking house. probably gone to like She gets fries and stuff a big deal, she sees these bright colors so I can feel better about them. And people are like, your fucking kid's asking for octopus? No, dude That's my other favorite sushi that you don't need sauce for i like like yellowtail tuna that kind of shit how how bad are All the animals are going to come back when the robots take over.

1:19:31 and when I came back, a deer had decided I know I got a buddy of mine has a has a problem with that They were ready to take over. I'm learning how to... It really is How to hotwire a car found out how to do that oh yeah you can become a real fucking creep on youtube and all that's like what it is in there I haven't learned I'm gonna buy the lock It's not hard to kick a door.

1:22:13 well there you go i never understood why they don't just go for the window there is something Well, I don't mean... no matter how much people drives me crazy mean joyful Well, yeah, G-H-E-Y? Were you on the ONA show when Jeffries was talking about his... I think it offended the ones who are in the He's having a Holocaust of alcohol. Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University. But it's not the only holocaust. You can't own that word now. You can't use holocaust for anything else. Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University.

1:24:39 I've never looked it up. But then he did make light. Yeah, I did. We saw the kangaroos And they're really big They're like the fucking 300 pound kangaroos, you better leave. Just get the fuck away from them. They're super aggressive and they're really big. When they get inside, I've watched enough UFC But their fucking arms are too small to grapple.

1:26:31 I think it hurts them. I would not count on kicking a dog in the balls. They rip your balls off and they usually twist your foot off too. I fucking hate monkeys. They're always dicks. so they probably had a monkey? Chi Chi would chew gum. A monkey jumped on my back. And I'm literally standing there like, I did a quick switcheroo, and I ran because it was on a chain,

1:29:08 I was like, to give them food back. they kill animals over there. What's the monkeys with the big, puffy... Yeah. If you leave babies around and chimps see them, they'll eat them. They feel like they start beating their chest. They're very... They're ruthless realizing that they do that. And they also, they sort of all talk shit after they do it. They feel like they start beating their chest.

1:30:15 Neanderthal. most people, My eyebrows. say hi, just so you can see his head. and put it on his head. I mean, it really looks like that. He's a great guy. shines on the back of your head it's got adjusted yeah it's too far and it just shines on the back of your head. Yeah, that's a rough job. he was just like okay like the girl was under right and she she kept waking up feeling like

1:32:50 he's sitting, and he goes literally what happened They're probably guys who are getting out. So in all nonviolent offenses, if not more, as he did. You've got to put him in jail for life. And they somehow tap in to whatever that shit in the fucking air is. But even for a guy like me, it was fascinating. And as they're putting it into the system or as you swipe it,

1:35:45 macy's or whatever and you got people's credit card numbers yeah they jacked them yeah they got accused of selling drugs and the the argument for it is the bad guy is going to sell drugs no matter what you do. Yeah. Well, if I'm reading about this, They steal from the people who put money on us, the customers. There's something about that shit though,

1:37:59 I tell you what's even more interesting is that if you go on YouTube, They get your money. You ever get that? two days later in St. Louis? You should always do credit card, Because then it also protects It's just confidence. Most people have like fucking jerseys Wow. You're like one of the few guys I was teaching. Were you banging but she was this She was just the type of girl that, you know, when she was young, she was 19 type of girl to work out she was just type of girl

1:41:42 there they would always get sick of me and break up with me and whatever. But all I did was train and fight. Kickboxing. everybody would like you can't say that oh so i was i fucking kicked this dude in the head and here as long as you're willing to drive and travel if you had $500 cash a week You could pay for your bills you could eat, but if you want to try to go on the road man

1:43:47 It's that big Wilbur Theater. What's it now? I ran through all of them. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm sorry if he's listening. The Vault? and I moved out of Boston first time I saw, Like the biggest, the most famous historical comedy club in Boston was the Ding Ho. Yeah, Kuwaku. When I would talk to guys from, like, other places, Yeah, but half of that was because nobody would start.

1:46:50 was like the connection but like portland yeah yeah and he he started like he had at any given You might have heard him on XM Radio. You might have seen him He'll do five shows on a Monday and then every year right as the holidays came around, And he'd be doing like adding shows and shit. And he was doing them in Maine. Not like that. But I don't think there's any one guy that's got a state nailed like Bob Marley does.

1:49:42 maine people you ever talk shit about people in maine people in south dakota they give a fuck about being from Maine? A lot of Maine people. You ever talk shit about Maine people in Maine? Yeah, but people in South Dakota, they give a A lot of us do. Kind of do. Boston people? No, he fucked that He's got some beer book he's putting out now. And the mailman was Clifford.

1:50:42 and I don't know what happened, How did it go? He crushed him. Norton hates it when someone tries to bully him. I was like, Jesse, tap out. So you're going to fucking leave? Probably. He's had a bunch of spine operations, right? Six four is like, you know, he used to play college ball. that have had their back fused. or something like that at the comedy store

1:53:22 Steve Simone's fucking wrestling fan then Rowdy Roddy know why i don't know shit about banking i actually ordered on amazon the hard copy where he's so into it like you think he's gonna pass out and he's when he's yelling at people in the veins the way his eyes Ric Flair is fucking awesome. he slaps him in the other ear and drops him again, I think Mr. T was on it.

1:55:32 and bonked his head. if that wasn't available. is way harder than being the ufc heavyweight champion how about that is that the video i'm He put him to sleep. Like, head hits the... He was being a smartass. Those guys are savages. For them, it's like, oh, he just fell asleep. That's what we're saying. The way that guy squeezed is 100%. there's like this gag they used to do it it was in boston so they had this dude dress up as a cow

1:59:09 I go, you really, when you can't take it, and he falls Choking? You're grabbing their jugular. were just grabbing and the dude did the same thing. You know, you watch The Ultimate Fighter or something like that. I swear to God. Wow. But the first back pain I ever had. I think there are a lot of people that have psychological back pain. the injuries don't really hurt nearly as much as you think they do.

2:01:59 more that your your tendons or whatever shrivel up like dude if you ever saw me hobble to the triplets triplets I'm sure you heard that in the fight game. and it'll be fine. Is it a tendon? so many different times, So they had to scoop out all the shit out of my nose What happens? My brother's convinced I was playing baseball and then I would feel fine

2:04:41 process raw meat? Google that shit, son. What appendix is, is an organ that we used to use when we processed meat. Yeah, we don't have a fucking clue. You know, I would have, I was racing my brother home, and he had stronger legs than I did. I was only out for a second because when I came to, And all I could think was, didn't have to fake school and i had fucking fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off.

2:07:18 I'd lay in bed at night and get fucking vicious headaches. That's not fun. And then also, kids started getting to be like a buck 20 That's some scary shit. Yeah. And somebody's going to come up to you and tell you that you look like you're decent. Man, you don't look like a comedian. He wanted to try this shit that he didn't have the balls to try against a professional

2:09:48 who's going to just kind of Great advice. I remember when I first started doing Jiu Jitsu, I started I would be terrified to have to fucking roll with this kid because he was really good, Very frustrating. And so we sort of made this little deal and worked back and forth with each other. Face and how many techniques didn't work once you added punching then when the ultimate fighting championship came along

2:12:10 But he's not really hurting you. You know, it's almost like if you get grabbed by like a bear, like a wild animal, it's the But he got one last photograph of the female charging him because he was a wildlife photographer. It's a fucking intense photo. my dog got eaten by a mountain lion. Nobody wants to listen I'm not going to use that shit. My podcast, I totally hype it I don't hype it my podcast is totally

2:14:13 you fucking know me that I had one Do you sit down with a microphone now and just rant? A year and a half. I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. I'm still listening to Duncan, okay? There's nothing wrong with that. I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. I just threw it up on Twitter. It helps. You know something. I'm scrolling.

2:16:03 Look, you know how much it's a pain in the ass to do all that shit. It's not the same thing. much instantly. Yeah. And with that note, ladies and gentlemen. You're talking about... That tweeting. See how you looked away? there i've been there for fights um billbird.com b- B-U-R-R, BillBird.com. We're going to force him into getting Twitter.