Joe Rogan Experience #261 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Thanks buddy, bye. Yeah, I did a good job with that. What kind of tricks is that? Yeah, I have to really force myself. thing was about he just kept saying yeah he kind of yeah it But he didn't even listen to us. stage in front of the class telling people that and that's why lake erie is a dead lake yeah and that's good news it's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the

4:03 When they say, how big is it? Really? but Texas is massive. Well, it is – He held his breath for five minutes? or the old one he's the crazy guy that would like hang out in a box and you know just fucking live his life Yes. Is that seven minutes or something like that? Think of that. Yeah. about it it's hilarious wow watch the videos scared of uh his magic that's

7:50 or some shit like that. I was like, really? i mean yeah i mean it was no apocalypse now it was a fun horror movie i enjoyed the shit out of it Just like let's root for the Really i'm not getting our rocks off girl yeah girls want the porn just like we want it but theirs is not There's no vampires. exactly that was me oh all right that's who was someone else i thought he was a fucking pervert

9:51 Well, you can't pretend you're 18, you're out of school. go just go go leave school you can graduate this year what kind of nonsense is that he's Like Chinese water torture. Yeah, what, do you transfer schools every two years? That sounds like a crazy person. Blow job. They ruin it for all of us. You know, it's fucking hard to find someone who just,

12:09 Whatever the fuck it is. Okay, that's a crazy person It's all clothing now. only do like a couple of voices confidently. Arnold. And normal person would be like, ah, ah. fucking beautiful face is I already got shit really he's going to play I bet. but he was in I don't know what the fuck it was. Yeah, that movie, I got to find out this dude's name now because it the first guess yeah that that movie i gotta find out this

15:53 They didn't want to. But he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about. yeah well he's always kind of a piece of shit you know yeah there's always something wrong with him movie yeah holy shit is he good he's scary familiar he was the familiar he was so good in it it was he went. And they were going to turn him into a vampire turning something into another vampire can you just drink a little their blood yes you have to drink a little

18:27 two girls is that him he's got a beautiful face That's nonsense! You're not going to burst into flames. I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreen. So I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while this shit drips in your eyes whenever you get any kind of sweat. Sometimes I would go on stage at the store,

20:37 like swimming swimming in the ocean is like wow like this fucking stings where swimming in like They work? Oh, yeah. over a flame no i never did i don't want pain i just but i um i've i've been pretty good at It's just pinchy. And she got one and I got one. It's one of the most sensitive areas. Just. Honky Kong. If you really had to be here for an audition. I think that was the first place I got laid on the road.

23:05 Ooh. I don't know. really yeah you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move i couldn't Isn't it weird how you get more comfortable meeting new people? When I was going to talk to the teller Really? And oh, how long before this guy starts picking on me? forward to going hello how you doing everything good what's up i want you know i think that

26:17 you darlin you know eddie bravo used to work at ups he used to sort boxes like like there would They had to do that with the brewery. No, that's a real one. But answer me this. when it started right you know like everything has sort of changed and you're gonna get prettier Don't touch it. wall i'm uh look i give it up to lenny bruce i think we all have to that was the originator

28:59 Just talking about the points of his case. Because if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity, even though I don't, I mean, Who cares what it is? We're like, hey, how about there's going to be some cursing on television. some pretty strict laws when it comes to like pornography and things like that oh really yeah So they sent his stuff to Florida.

31:18 Yeah, that's where it gets crazy. You still do. Good luck, you fucking assholes. They'll say, well, I just don't think about it. You didn't build the infrastructure. He's saying that you didn't build it on your own. defeatist attitude irrefutable position. But I think that when you're talking to a group of people, this is just my opinion. Because I just think there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people, I think, don't want to accept.

34:43 They never realize that we want different things. I mean, it's amazing. But they all do it stand up comedy Some guys do, though. And he would tell people to stand the fuck up. It's mine. Oh, because it is... something, something, give it to us! They just know they want it. He goes, I think meth. That's why I have no respect for cops that decide, by the way, not are forced to act,

37:55 Whoever it is at the top, I know you're trying to protect your cops, Nothing's going to happen with this. You know how much money they would lose? Are they in the pocket of people? or they would just go to the pills it's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills That was the case. People like grandmas and shit. They would illegally grow it.

39:25 And this guy, Will C, he's like a uh an army guy he's like i'm not I should look this up, And when he changed the way he was thinking, Or the Jew had to calm this king down. it but now what so how do i just missing it just right there's good right there's good like barf let's go see up and you guys are like barf oh my god drag me to hell was so much better

41:56 The first 15 minutes into that, you're like, that's just a beautiful short. last thing i want to do is watch a movie about some guy is fucking shooting heroin and falling to watch some movie or that wants to make me cry like a bitch about some shit that didn't even Don't get me wrong. I thought I could go see that movie. That movie's going to be like number one. Apparently, it's fucking hilarious. When did it come out? fucker really yeah we were 20 minutes before it too i was like oh shit i got crazy i thought i

43:52 Anchorman, yeah. that didn't make me laugh. or whatever the guy's name is. Yeah, she was the girl fuck. And she's totally like a guy. She's really funny. It's on TBS. But his is on TBS. I'm telling you. that was talking about being a whore that was really a whore she used to come into the store than it is for a dude because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things you know chicks it's harder to or they just don't try yeah um well it's also like

47:29 that was trying to get you to laugh or fucking social opinions. In their act? Just like Roseanne did. She was the first chick. I might have saw her once at the store live her no no i don't think i ever saw her live i might She fired every showrunner she had. was one of the biggest people in america she was huge remember when she had a three-way marriage

49:30 We're bringing another person in here. you can't have any money. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. and we broke it down i go could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody that if they Why? Here's the thing. that one person should pay the other person? Because you grew in separate ways. oj getting off where we knew this was ridiculous but finally one for us that you just went deep

52:48 Well, it's not even that. It's a payday. It's okay to give up half of your money when you have $2 million. Why can't you live your life? believe you said that you said i stopped myself i try to grow as a human i try to grow as a human He's still paying. He's like, It's fucking, How can anyone defend Any discounts? I mean, make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been.

55:47 And when people don't get charity from people, they want to get it from them. Yes. this new comic. I'm also doing shows legally, It's almost sold out. It's like one of those places. by a skunk yeah that's not good it was so see fucking animals. We got attacked by a skunk. That's serial killer bait. It's serial killer bait. one of those creepy semi-wooded

58:15 It's not like the real woods. my dad taught me about the israeli army yes what do i remember kicking the balls for two people dude i'm so bummed out that you hurt your Oh, really? I said, all right, I can't just rest this. with perhaps like some body weight squats and some more especially if you're thinking the fact that you're 36 and on top of being 36 you're also like you know you haven't you you haven't been in the best of shape

1:01:16 It means getting a lot of nutrition. I'm better off at now. Some people quit smoking and then they feel like they have so much energy and they feel so much better. It'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day. million people worldwide a year how long before they would pull that shit off the market that's You did it? they know you don't want to fuck them.

1:03:48 I've been undesirable for 28 years. I said this on Twitter, but I realized recently, it's like the only difference between someone Nutty. You justify their behavior, insane or terrible. for girlfriends in my mind that have been like rude to wait staff and i later i'm like you know difference in beverly hills yeah i mean the same era on earth the apocalypse is going on in one

1:06:17 Like, how could there be a war right now? Where we're sitting right here in Southern California. near the airport those fucking things are giant you're ignored after a while yeah that's why whenever you shoot something and the sound guy has to be like, plane. We got a plane. We're too connected with the whole world, man. And they invade, just like that Mayan movie.

1:07:50 was the greeks or the romans or the united states of america somebody had to dictate what the fuck I know. hack emcees that open up comedy clubs yeah y'all ready for ari shafir i can't hear you Hey you guys like impressions You don't like them I'm like alright No, of stress for having to do impressions all day long, every day. to those terrible as soon as he steps

1:09:37 everybody goes back Well, it's Vegas. Margaret Smith And then went to Vegas. We're seeing legends. Whoever you love. thank you that's beautiful is it gonna be on itunes as well it's gonna be on itunes september Oh, that's dope. It's pretty sweet, right? I'd be like, oh, fuck yeah. and he goes, I would just sometimes buy. Iron Maiden stuff is so sweet,

1:12:55 Their artwork is pretty badass. Bad out of hell. Keep selling it. collector's items i feel like you should just keep selling them i think i feel like that too You're only going to sell ten hats? and I think if you listen to it, you'll be a fan. So four tracks absolutely for it you'll be a fan so four tracks why are you pumping your own shit up like that i do

1:14:50 find the footage to be too too out there too little whatever it is yeah we feel yourself And then remembering that other stuff. in all the different places told you i have like three weeks and i'll have like a week off then i have another three weeks And it's the most rewarding shit of all time. It's like a 10.30 show on Friday. And Saturday was off the fucking chain.

1:17:29 law or something they made up a law because christian's on the place they made up a law We just kept saying, One of the waitresses was... He drinks alcohol on stage. do you start the show we'll be in a couple minutes music wasn't even on i called like You almost got that loud. Stop it. A lot of clubs you go to, like even when Callan goes on the road,

1:20:07 and it's not up to them to say yes or no it's like i i've got a long long long reputation of So he tried to get crazy. a dude like that Yeah, so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them. It's not against you. really, like, you, don't you see that now, like, when you're eating healthy? Seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with fucking shitty eight-person rooms at the store.

1:23:09 Yeah, they're all excited for it. the first time i saw that on a large scale level because i don't think you've ever played winnipeg concert hall yeah and we did a show where they sold out like an extra, I don't know how many seats, but I was like, yeah, we can't let them go out. to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you you're trying to act out a hump out you're

1:24:50 Did you like that? That's awesome. Cherry soda. Yeah. and you're eating like a pastrami sandwich with you know fucking thousand island dressing slopping son not my system it's like yeah yeah it's so bad for you to drink that much sugar to eat that much With chocolate on the inside What ice cream tastes like And just for an hour, just eat syrup and whipped cream.

1:28:00 You would just get a little more weight down. Oh, yeah. I mean, your stomach can break, right? it he doesn't want to be he doesn't want to be a human like no he would not gonna make fun of my just totally and we're regularly number 40 on iTunes shots of eggnog he got over yeah i think that's a gallon dude maybe it seems why do you think that's a gallon, dude. Maybe. Why do you think that? Just because? I don't know.

1:30:40 Yeah, you're right. of Pat from Woonake hurling, So was Opie and Anthony. This is what happened, folks. So he is keeping his fucking crown, okay? By the way, he's Who the fuck else would do that He's dominating. And I'm thinking, there's no way anybody... I have a joke about something. Like what? Someone else was there. If you've ever done a radio show that's been rigid and stiff and the people are nuts, you'll

1:33:50 And completely psychosomatic, She was sitting there like like we we rave condoleezza rice and like you guys didn't even say that what did he say he said he wants I hear it, too, when they say, I love when you do that. I thought he said something way more fucked up than that. Who cares what he says? And those guys, Op and Anthony, were so cool. You're not.

1:35:44 Yeah. do a show and it'd be half empty um so but if you got an opiate anthony you packed that place like what he did he went to beat his record and then he was like alright that's about it throw up in this guy's mouth with its fluids. He's done... One stop in the career. great career he's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly The volume is so insane.

1:38:44 Yeah, in these giant And the rest of the day, you just feel good. We want to see things that are ridiculous. Dom quits drinking. You're going to have more iPod guys. His famous line that I always quote is, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet. whether or not i committed to doing okay okay you get like sometimes i say okay we'll go do that

1:41:30 Did you hear that shit? It doesn't matter. I was like the voice of that before. should be thought of that should be thought of before randomly some girl says hey i'm pregnant Yeah Yeah That's the trade off That men fall into Once they get their wife pregnant And they say we are pregnant? It's just some beta shit. It's just some beta shit that men fall into

1:43:12 Well, you become a nester. to make you babies cute is so we don't kill them. Really? It's set up so that we keep breathing. It's not an accident that when you're around a chick, I think there's something to also the chemicals on you or something. She's a dirty girl. is even if you're chubby once the guy's willing to fuck you, let it all out. Don't worry about

1:45:10 If he throws up, I remember there my favorite all time it was dudes with yeah the whole Mike Blacks are a fairly handsome man. We talk about comedy all the time. Yeah, but also there's things Well, there's a similarity in truth. belt they're they're they're terrible approaches might work but they're full of mistakes they're Because if you're not, you're a bitch.

1:47:40 Friends cushion all that shit. I heard this about kids recently. I'm hearing the baby books. I'm just talking shit what you're supposed to do some socialist bullshit I think they all run at a three-minute marathon. It was like 358? I'm thinking of not voting. over the last couple years whether people are aware about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple of years,

1:49:59 and completely unconstitutional. The American military can now be used to stop civil unrest. to abuse that power it's written down now we had all this shit You can't have a Constitution that was written before the internet. what's going to cause people to be corrupt and to go wrong. You've got to let them be armed. There will be people. I think if we went from being barbarians

1:52:29 gonna be able to engineer out greed we're never going to be able to engineer out if someone has more effective at killing people. Women and children, they're getting jacked constantly That's one of the things I've heard about. do something he's wouldn't want to struggle for fucking 145 spots at the store a lot of guys get close that grind is hard man yeah the fucking the

1:54:47 Yeah. That you have to look at really realistically If I got somebody pregnant at 26 a year in Yeah, but did he? I think he's raising dogs. He's already a professional. You can't do it once in a month. It's just you can't take the ride. was on a crazy mushroom dose and he was driving home. that bad but just once where i was driving i thought it was done because i was doing it in

1:57:29 it dissipates reality not there at all two weeks the 14th i think september 14th let me see nice so that place is the shit what days on my like my favorite five rooms for like a long time yeah um the or the comedy store cap city yeah We called it the Jew clam, the Jew clam video. Some asshole decided there was too much writing on the wall. that was historic it's not as historic as atlanta punchline because atlanta punchline

1:59:54 Kaufman was pretty bad. be like oh too edgy for you and like idiot. No one laughed because it wasn't funny. That's just as fake as fake clean comedy. there's nothing nothing is funny oh nothing you couldn't even believe in fun yeah it's like when Yeah, but if you're working with someone who sucks it, a t-shirt about it he sold like a thousand fucking t-shirts it's uh it's blue cheese with wings or go fuck your mother was his famous line he just gets so mad about blue cheese blue cheese please yeah that kind of guy you know like that's

2:02:44 it's so hard it's it's a A brother or a best friend. People don't realize it. main room oh i might be into doing that i gotta see i gotta see we'll get off the podcast okay He's had to deal with, not counterfeiting, scalping. an atm right on the corner right next to the main room there's an atm there see why are they just Yeah. Sounded too harsh. don't know how we quite he exudes this like I'm clearly joking yeah and they these old ladies

2:06:08 Wow. Nice to see you with your whore. Sometimes they come out and you're like, nope, that wasn't it. conversational yeah and sometimes in doing so you also create these like weird improvisational A wolf of boredom on the crowd. That's funny. I wanted to work on something else. Do you spend a lot of time actually writing? in the place right well you it comes out everywhere it comes like comic comedy will come out when you

2:09:30 so but it's like and there's this one boom and then this one bang it's like i've got this new Just what do you care about? Yeah. What's interesting is always where if you. It could just be about the way your sheets bunch up on you if that's what Yeah, it's what's, you know, and that's what defines you, It's the 12th through the 15th. gonorrhea and instead of having to jab that

2:11:45 Fucking time ever It's for fucking Why voting is ridiculous gonna make a big difference in the that the people that are running this country are. On Yom Kippur, Does that still your website or AriTheGreat.com? I'm sending you four MP3s. and some solid to a real professional like when you come to Israel You listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me.

2:14:05 I used to do that too. You don't know what I'm talking about. You were really good at changing too. Taking chances. that's why you're you're still producing like constant new material this if there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know it's a guy who's got And then I was like, instead of like, And I was like, it's gone. You can see my expressions.

2:15:22 But you really do. He's joining us again on the podcast like having a bake sale exactly but with coke with With coke. So they would get the coke. Then we all go dancing. You're never going to. It's like one of those things He was trying to stay officer oh really he was a prison guard which is really nutty wow yeah it's the whole thing is He's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the Dollarville, from the Five, and George Washington from the One.

2:17:55 All tatted up. So now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage, which is with the ear things. Yeah. A lot of stars and shit. I like i like it it's like fuck it i'm not gonna Something along those lines. But over here on the wrist, that's okay. Yo bro that shit's solid steel dog Good luck with the CD. Are you going to do that thing? I got three days before that

2:20:14 okay dope ass office space now the studio and doing my old setup, It's like, no, Good sound. Shores. It's got a built-in I forget the names of them. He takes the windscreen off when he came over here. Well, one, they hurt my ears if I have my glasses on. You know why I got these? I mean, the mic you use on stage doesn't have windscreens. Marin told you to get something?

2:22:49 Marin and I are friends now. Everybody says that about the UCB. It was Matt put it together. I feel dirty. Oh, that's better. and he was very funny and i was like for the most part but you know what a lot of two people they do get a little but i love stupid comedy yeah it's fun yeah sure it's fun my first uh mc week for this guy brett Oh, really? Yeah, I agree, man.

2:25:43 He's banging her in the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick foil so he reached in with his fingers pulled it out put it on his Bert Kreischer. Maybe. it's beautiful well you know seeing him get to number one on itunes was fucking incredible he sold like 35 40 000 copies of that cd just for himself yeah and by the way He's awesome. Cape Cod.

2:27:33 No, I'm going to bring marijuana. They knew you were going to be high? i'm a romantic even though i don't believe in that shit, something tugs at me when I see it. Once in your life, you'll find out. He's not. bit yeah let's we'll get off this fucking podcast and carry notebooks now write that down write that and Brian Redband how much is it The fucking show's over, you freaks.

2:29:22 but if I can get one of those Samsungs before they go off the market yeah get this before apple fucks them because they're going Go take your piss, son. And like I said To support Brian Redband and HempForce protein powder, So go to DeathSquad.tv. Go fuck yourself t-shirt Can we get a worst of the whites t-shirt? Armenians, Persians Armenians, the worst of the whites I No, no, no. Persians? Armenians, Persians.

2:31:56 But for you, yeah, we definitely should put out an Ari Shafir t-shirt. we look we appreciate the fuck out of it i um i say this all the time but i only say it because They always tip well. And then once you overcome it, oh, what am I and they tune into this and say oh fine someone else is out there like this we recognize that There's someone calling me.

2:34:05 From the Ice House The way you give back to us Absolute benefit Come to my shows If I'm doing something Peace, love and mushrooms controversial sponsors anymore listen you freaks