Joe Rogan Experience #264 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! do you believe in evolution? should be taught in the classrooms? There's actually enough people that believe. Because if you were just you And my president. You would work with those people for a couple days, and you'd be so annoyed. You need this. you draw like bows and arrows yeah Asperger's or something and not be fucked up

2:37 I don't think you could of weird shit they take a bunch of death dead bodies and through some new method of you would want this motherfucker locked up forever. Some with bullet holes. That's depressing. point where they've sort of devalued life in a lot of ways i mean when you you start hearing repeating that. I don't think most Americans have really put that into their head.

6:47 Really crazy. It was awesome. That is the crown jewel. And I was like, so what's, like, you know, your country like? Like that's it. it they got everything they got everything man wow um did you find you find them to be like um we go in and we'll talk about the mundane like just silly like observational shit and some of Did you find it funny? like, I don't even know what that was.

10:32 Well, performances of all time i'm telling you steve sweeney in boston in the 80s used to lay them he could do that with anything. fucking like you know he'd need to work like kind of week after week right and just if he did that bad hacky tricks you know like oh christ but if you're in that community all you really need is the guys that i see uh around me on a regular basis and the guys that i perform with oh yeah

14:03 It definitely is. When you're a stand-up and you see somebody great this person's really good, I don't sit through whole shows, would not I don't like sitting there watching them because it seems like to What? bumping around and you might like be in the back of the room one day and they're on stage and you with this person but it has happened before where people have gone in to visit people who are

16:57 When you have Stockholm Syndrome, He's like, schizophrenia is the worst thing that could Nice. would you describe a pheromonal hormonal smell guess? And people treat them weird. It's offensive. especially when you were young brian you barely you barely barely got one correct sentence yesterday with I love girls that think like that. Like, not a bullshit nice. Just a nice person.

19:56 I think so. Look me in the eyes. That's a sucky impression, dude. No, I'm a big fan of Capundi. I watched You gave me shit about mine too That's all I want to know Brian That's not cool. Is it Kat? There was some strange moment when you were 12 and you just stuck there emotionally. Because I was going through the ringtone store eye thing. How is that bad, too? Just if you're in

22:23 It was okay. It was a little racist Okay I wrote I wish there was another alternative. I'd rather hang out with him than him. and that's not the way to do your job your job is to do it within a constitutional way by being able to But we never thought that shit was going on that they audited the Fed, No, they got like $1.3 trillion. so let's just concentrate on move it along whacking some things off and some other it's this

27:02 any any deals like no just take from somebody else next step is we're going to be able to read each other's minds and until then we're going to have that's all going to be bullshit you're going to know who's a cunt yeah cunts are going to know Yeah. It's going to be people that let you ride along where you could tap into their consciousness and you could walk around with them and shit.

29:39 and put little conductors that you have to screw shit into. this guy's about to drill my wife this is fucking Some guys are just real freaks. Because you never knew any predators I mean, pedos weren't something that everybody talked were gonna be in a weird freak shit yeah like some dudes are into feet yeah and and so it was me and my two friends and uh as they were opening the pages, my friend, there were two.

33:27 I didn't know. I found the creepiest new fetish out yesterday. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck is that about? And I was fucked up. my balls swole up they were I wouldn't be able to. I could be walking, and it would just get a complete hard-on out of nowhere. It's so ridiculous. You're always horny. You had a 17-year-old kid just walking around with a boner. I would crank out so many at 17.

36:13 And in that, you're having relationships. addict behavior is not just physical addiction it It's just squirrely thinking. no i'm not gambling anymore i'm not doing this anymore i'm done the next thing you know i'm just When I was a kid and I used to play pool He slept in homeless shelters and different people's houses And he was such a sad guy because he was in his, like, 70s, you know?

38:46 five you know they have some number problem that went wrong on them of course you know that would You were? and my time would be awesome as always? on the right-hand side. if you want to strafe jump, the real problem is it doesn't make out there fucking throwing squares with numbers around yeah you know what are you doing what are lightning bolt guns and shit and gunning people down halo you don't get anything out of that it's

41:41 Did you make white guys win? I would play the full, I would say, I would play It's not good, man. when i was a kid and i would play pool the card games would always interrupt the pool action oh really and everybody was like jesus christ is this a card place or a pool hall knows what spots to avoid. I'm not into it, man. I'm intimidated by numbers, it was like this hand-eye coordination thing that was what i was getting my rocks off on and that's

45:11 He's putting his hands on his shirt and blowing on his hands When you're sitting there with cards, and you know what card to pick, stupid. And he breaks and runs out No Yeah earl strickland guy who uh they had this 10 rack thing where they were insured for a million bucks Jesus. wound up settling, but he never got like the well um it requires uh some incredible fundamentals you there's more um room for error in a game pool

48:26 And there's certain ways where you shoot it, it doesn't accept the ball the same way it does in a pool table. like a few high level guys but um the europe European guys have such a strong team, man. There's so many. I don't know. and do not give a fuck about another sport yeah like And it's like a five-day game. into it you understand the skill behind it and then that's what you you know that look it it's

51:27 This game's retarded beyond belief. I can't do it. But who cares? Anything that's hard is awesome I was like, whoa, that guy's really trying to hit that ball, and he's really trying to get it. the other williams name venus yeah venus and serena he beat them both really a man after he played he They say that he's like they could put him up there with McEnroe in his prime.

53:40 And Nadal's also up there. Well, here's an example of one where it's not, So the heavyweight boxers right now, you know, I guess you could... and sometimes the belt switches hands Are running shit start that shit over and so like technically every punch is always exactly like executed You know, they're like dogs. this is how it is. And then he's like,

56:44 What was he? Floyd Mayweather does everything perfect. Talk about Victor Ortiz. Crack. That guy's crazy. Manny Pacquiao? Oh, yeah. He throws his legs into his punches. He's really think about accomplishments. But he, you know, like he leaves the ground. Yeah. Manny Pacquiao's a fucking murderous puncher. The guy who was disgraced for using plaster in his knuckles.

58:41 Yeah. motherfuckers out cold cotto no no margarito Before they found the plaster in his gloves That stopped him putting rocks in his gloves. And giving you in your face. They think he committed suicide. Yeah, I believe it was Lou Resto. His family always had his back. You ruined a guy's life. somebody's medal was, you know. Was it judo? and they're slowly starting to clamp down on that thing.

1:02:47 They're saying that... I thought they did have jurisdiction. They do? de France. He definitely did what they said he did. They do it because it's there. Enough's enough? enough's enough that's But why is there a witch hunt to get somebody like that? You would be freaking the fuck out. Like how? Do you have any of his blood? They would tell you what it is.

1:05:46 But guess what? you have to assume that he's a real motherfucker. is so bad for your cardio it's like one of the most important things for you know outdoor exercise it can only make sense that he could do it, too. Why would you do this if there's nothing there? Why are you trying to get there like Pete generally that doesn't happen before they even got in a courtroom and ended up fucking losing his

1:08:54 and if everybody was doing what he was doing, It's like the baseball argument. When you find out that all the big superstars did it. like a fucking pencil dude i did a tv show with him did you really he was on an episode of hardball I was walking Staying close to the Like on TV I was in high school and i played in and he was a like legit giant he was fucking enormous but like the best guys let me see how

1:12:18 Yeah. The Russian guy that I was talking about is 7'1". Yeah, up until that time, he was the tallest heavyweight in history. I did, what was it? What the fuck is that? But what's happening? And also, but now And you need 5,000 calories. definitely put on more size now than ever before but what what i'm saying is that the actual number Why is it more common?

1:15:30 He's fucking seven feet tall, man. Seven feet tall. they figure out a way to engineer the body selectively we're gonna figure out what's the Nobody knows how to Now we just have on Shaquille O'Neal. I was like, Shaq, count him down. He goes, Jonathan Ogden, offensive tackle, 6'8", like 3'40", he played at. I was like, yeah, so it's cool to meet you. He was like, yeah, man. And I was like, him like down here i was like yeah so it's cool to me he's

1:18:29 Go about your business. shit like that was cool yeah box oscar de la jolla and you know it was it's kind of funny he did a No. Story goes? Ten minutes into the flight And then I'm And she's like, do you need something? Whoa. We start talking comedy. funny guy because we're just like talking right he's like oh yeah yeah i was like you know that the kitchen you can go there you get all the andy griffith shit you ever want i'm like are we in the

1:22:06 But he knew the date The other one Remember when they couldn't Wow. You did? That show was great. There was Rhoda. That was a show. That boring ass hypnotic It's not like her being the head of a sitcom. Because the talent, there's still talent. have a show right now right right like haven't we're just like bait an extension of the the comic writers that supposedly

1:26:45 terrible yeah and it's not as more it's not as much fun and it's not as rewarding as doing stand-up that so the only reason why you should do it is to get exposure for your stand-up yeah which i hear like i mean some of the comics You've got to get a sitcom. Yeah, because it was the same producer. pages and they were like or the first five pages or whatever it was like we're gonna give you the rest later and then uh scene two would come down at noon and they would shuffle down barefoot and

1:29:06 in syndication oh it isn't but it's two two episodes short we only did 98 instead of 100 you were. If they moved you from Monday to Wednesday, It's so many people. Please. really nailed down your brand and I'm like ew it's gross language ew you're gross yeah that's It's like showbiz talk. Why do you need a brand? You're like, hey, hey, fuckhead. I came to see your fucking funky act.

1:31:53 Oh, really? Man. I love Heffron. And they would get them out of here. know who they are like I I got a chance to see Hedberg a bunch of times and I