Joe Rogan Experience #268 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Mad Flavor represents the Joe Rogan experience. first time and i just got in the right hand lane right and i just did 65 like the rest of the me and said, nah. And I said, You roll the dice in the HOV lane for a little bit. Because you can only cut into HOV where the lines say you're permitted. Kills you. They don't think that they should have to move.

2:19 But these douchebags have this wealth of lanes. That's ridiculous. And here you are doing fucking 80. This motherfucker's got no loyalty to his people. I don't see it. You wanted to impress people. Yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, the one that some guy- It's not the Carrera S Because this is how I do it He's got a yarmulke Coming out of his yarmulke.

4:53 I'm in Northern California. And you get caught up on those motherfucking hills late night. By mistake. Around LA, you into longmont uh-huh okay on iris in between uh 28th and 30th Street. Bam! The Alley. That's where they just... When you're going from Nashville, like Chattanooga, we were talking one day and they go, dog, they kill motherfuckers there.

7:15 That's what they're looking for. They just sit there. and you have to write 10 tickets a day? how do you make that 10 ticket a day quota? traffic cops if that happens the fuck are they going to do with all that well they need that I just go to Hollywood and look around. beautiful and they're driving around. 90 days you get banged up I got Mike I got Stan Hope's car towed one night by

9:57 a lot of, like, really normal people. Young kids, they move here after college. Went to Montreal I'm going to go back and run Daddy's fucking transmission shop. It's easy to just fucking get caught up in the fear of it all, like a lot of times i go to auditions and I see people that were at the store with me doing I really wanted to direct commercials. And as I'm

12:15 Yeah, no, I don't think I would say that. It's not like you come in here, and there's a lot of people that have gotten here and said, fuck it, I'm not going to do it. She still does a movie here or there, but I shouldn't have said Judy. you just never stop I think the pressure It's fun for us. And they'd rather get a job like as a writer. Like, I'm a producer now.

13:59 But maybe they don't like the performing part. It's like there's a few, And for those, And it's because not everybody's supposed to do it. But for you and I, it was always like, you know, I was on news radio, And then you get to watch it, and people enjoy it, Actors, they get a second chance. Hey, who did I fight in 1964? hear cut i was like damn benny curdle dropping it like a bad motherfucker there's a there's

17:12 if you're in the movie Like, reading. They should take auditions that they filmed that were super silly and preposterous, what the fuck's going on. I trained at Juilliard. Every night. What is his name? With the blonde hair. Paul Thomas Anderson? John C. Reilly. Where's homeboy? And he plays the kid's friend, like a washed up actor that lives in New York.

20:21 No, no, no. The guy's amazing. Oh, fuck yeah, bro. the president. He convinces Well, he was in the Ides of March. He's good in Moneyball. That's right. He's a great actor. To watch it, the only guy I've seen in a room that fucks it up in a room like that, He was such a professional. Like on the set the people were like about two months ago. He was brilliant.

23:21 Do you want to, what acting teacher on mel rose yeah to And he couldn't get through to him. I'm going to go over here. Brian, know anything about it? Isn't there a movie where he does something? Yeah, William Hurt played the scientist. And the movie, like the week before they pulled the budget or something, so the movie never. Watch At Close Range, 1985.

25:16 He's in that movie. Sean Penn's you got a job, what are you gonna do? Don't even spoiler alert. I'm doing the motherfucking Toyota Comedy Festival. And she goes, would you mind coming to my office at 11 o'clock? could tell she was hot and he gets out of a cab and sees me and go This bitch looked at me, and she goes, you just got three quarters in my door.

27:29 They called me in for an audition. She's doing that not anymore. with a lot of those people. It's all Yeah, he was on the boat. What was the show he had after that with the redhead? Robert Wagner. Is putting out a book Once they gave him the 50,000 and then years later some motherfucker is writing a book No, what was her name again? For keeping chasing after it.

30:46 I signed a statement, appointed district attorney, drafted, 1981. Oh my god. Yeah, Christopher Walken. than his personal life. And he fucking threw her off the boat he A relationship gone wrong where you're both drunk and you're yelling at each other. has a cocktail once in a while, you smoke reefer. Some people do that. But it's low percentages is what I'm trying to say.

34:03 she's watching you because you got it And your jaw's going, now she wants to do a line and then she started getting naked and she had the fuse from the front. Where is he these days? First of all, it's the very first place in the country that I could sell out shows. Packed. and leave at 2. enough it wasn't what they thought it was going to be they didn't adapt for whatever reason and

36:31 they couldn't help it it's like they thought they were so hypnotized by him they thought that might No nothing. But I think they have a couple rooms around town in Houston. That's done, too. It's always you look at the lineup. because is that they didn't keep up But like there's, Who else is out of Chicago that I knew? But the story goes that one night he was on stage,

39:11 Wow. Kennison came in and they were like, we'll get him You can't get that good without being a fan. He still works. Some guys were pretty good With Bert Kreischer He just wrapped up That motherfucker's bad to the bone, Tony Heincliffe. Hinchcliffe's a very good writer. this is uh more more of a community now i think uh at this stage in our lives than it's ever been before.

41:40 Yeah, and I was talking to Ari. It's like, wow, seeing your friends prosper and seeing people around you prosper Four years ago, I was very disillusioned with this business. content with that. Knowing you're content with that is great. I was a little disenchanted. like a year off of that place and you never I took the piss test, but obviously the thing melted.

43:47 I could sell chariots. You know, Even though in the back of my head, I don't, you know. guys got the footage. I eat my words, dog. I'm a big boy. And I started fucking around on Twitter And I tell you, man, these people on Twitter are my family now. Of all the shit I've done, that was like a real accomplishment. You know who else figured that out recently?

45:36 They want me to be there at 530. change my life? So somebody's going to see me us, dog. I don't have anybody around The positive energy is back. Twitter's big, but the podcast is the biggest thing. It's your stand-up being funny. Brian went on stage in Sacramento. Tell him, Brian Red Bull. and it's crushing. It's so exciting call me fat man, but they love me.

47:58 People brought cookies. What are you, 10? Ari was doing it when he was just in Well, I don't think he's aware of the repercussions of getting Do they have air conditioning? You don't know what it is to get a massage against your will. and then just, Yeah. I don't do that anymore. It might have been someone sprinkled meth on the pot. And we already know that people have been set up in the past. Like, you've got to really think about that.

50:51 We're in California, okay? I'm not a head? It's an understanding. I can tell When I look at his eyes and I go, They wouldn't harm themselves, bro. Nice number, too. I don't know. You do? yourself. You're supposed to go for the fucking somebody give you a fucking quarter. you hear like what someone's wage was. Oh, $225. February 24th. Now it's dollars.

53:48 Why are we paying $300, $200 for a ticket for anything? Who does? Why do people have to make more money? I don't know does. Why does gas have to get more expensive? Who does? Like no one's ever, because you don't know what the fuck $200 Is minimum wage $20 an hour under grease and the fucking stars in Colorado. It's $22,000 loaded with the fucking under grease and the fucking stars in Colorado.

55:40 You know me. to put it together uh it's just i was out of touch yeah and you know what tells me the prices Mall of America is one thing. They designed that city so they get your pocket. Fuck, four floors deep. So think of a fucking stadium, I'm talking about I walked around that mall. Everything has gone up. better than ever they say better than ever gives you a skin rash heroin did

58:11 No, what are they going to do? I don't buy that make them live the exact same circumstances How do you know what his IQ would have been? is not really necessarily a good their own world, in a way that you laid? That's social intelligence that he allowed. You put me against the wall, I'll sell you anything if you let me. Those people in Boulder are so intelligent.

1:00:52 It's that they're introverts. And he loves it. What? I was just locked into this one form in my mind Teaching and stand-up are two things that changed it for me. Yeah, you're black belt this week. I think he's even older than that. Bro, Now, his school was in Marina del Rey, and he still teaches Jeet Kune Do? that to this day are starting to be adopted by people.

1:04:08 The jab and the hooks are more frequent, It's really interesting, man. This hook from boxing. this is a double-leg Pettis against Germantown. Thursday, Milwaukee. brown paper tickets, I'll see my man, Chael Sonnen's flying in Yeah, Brian, we've got to change the background to my Twitter page. weekend that I think Ari's in Toronto. I don't know. Oh, my God.

1:07:23 No, no, no. And it's going to be a fucking festival, a celebration of the end of history, We can't wait to do it. We're doing Arizona. No, Ari Shafir's coming. Who else is booked? No way. So he didn't know. Well, either way, October, you and I are going to be there. He doesn't even know what CAA is. filed by crews. They've already canceled 249 flights this week, 300 by the end of the year.

1:10:15 Flying a whole fucking tube full of souls through the air. Yeah, yeah. Do you know the dudes? I did a 16th. Was it Rush doing like 100 of those bitches? That just crushes your body, that fucking synthetic heroin. fucking crazy that's two a pop that's 25 times a day he would pop two of them if he popped 50 yeah You can't just listen to someone that says that, you know?

1:12:37 what's the difference? You're going to be watching daytime television until lunchtime. I couldn't even talk on the phone to people. I said, give me the fucking Valiums. Me and Bobby McGee. I'm looking for blow and shit. I go, I'll eat two or three of them. The first night I ate two. five of it goes into your body, So now you're popping these every day.

1:14:55 So I bought 30 of them. I couldn't fall asleep. And the management knew I was whacked out. fucking noriega stash four in the morning my jaw we're driving back i'm fucking paranoid we're I go back to the room. volumes I had. Dog, at eight o'clock in the morning, the cocaine was gone. She was all I couldn't fucking believe it. I'm sniffing her bra. I'm on the bed. I must have jerked myself off to sleep, whatever, because I went back

1:17:43 It was all small. Only the helmet comes out and you got to start from scratch. So all you're whacking off, me trying to whack it off It was all small Only the helmet comes out Like you think of your uncle But like the feds or something I guess the chick woke up left. I went right back to sleep. he goes, what do you want to do? You want to go to my house? And I said, no, everything. And I went and got another big Mexican meal. And then he goes, what do you want to do?

1:18:58 She had a pussy. I couldn't even talk to nobody. That's how bad I was. Powerful, mad flavor. It's ridiculous that some dude named Joel is running around out there with Joey Diaz's name. It's better, right? Great to see you Yeah let's get down by the way. and they take a picture the fuck that sculptor is And thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring the show.

1:21:29 You know how to find it, bitch. The Flying Jew is coming too? Shafir? The Flying Jew is coming!