Joe Rogan Experience #278 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 So we're totally back, right? You guys do some great shit. What we're mad at ultimately is that we're in a broke system. Not the people that are in the broke system that are just trying to make a living. I think I'd fuck up too. it's Ari Shaffir without introducing anybody how many weeks Yeah, it was great. point now where uh everybody is you know getting recognized for their stuff you know duncan's doing

2:49 offer like a you know buy four get the next one half price or whatever it is death squad members It's going to be fun. I'm not sure what's happening now. He's the one guy, whenever I would do Kevin and Bean, just to see. Asher Burger's good. You know, powerful just a few years ago you were in that was I'm like It's like water seeks its own level eventually.

6:12 Because of that, the comics who do sort of an honest style of comedy, Yeah, because it's very hard to do that style of comedy if that's not what you've been doing. like so funny and i'm like you're wrong you're way wrong what have you liked everybody thinks they could you would have to tell them, look, you've just started this, so of course you're going to be god-awful.

8:08 It's not as simple as someone saying something and you're reacting to that. It's not that simple. were like i can't open with that yeah i've tried it won't work you gotta give him like 40 minutes Were you ever like this? Not the first. work within a year oh yeah wow that's a big jump i was like this is fun that skipped a bunch of years It's not as simple as it seems.

10:31 This is what people don't understand. it's a well some weed can do that let me give you some other weed yeah look this guy was sleeping They did the Death Squad cat on this guy's ass. That's amazing. Oh my God. You know, that's something we could use drinking shamans. We should promote abstinence and why would effective way there's something you can give you a shot. Yeah, it's called abortions. No.

13:13 with like lasers, Like, yeah. yeah yeah she's gone so they have like four periods a year is that one of those yeah it's I don't know. Those are two things that you just, both of them, both of them are completely overwhelming for you. After the fact or before the fact? Nine months. Because we're adults who are making decisions, and we don't want to make this life yet.

15:21 Before it comes out, we're like, let's kill it. Pro-choice. it's pro-choice everybody's fucking pro-choice it's just my choice is different than your choice We just oh I didn't know that you would never have an abortion if anything happened ever masturbates and you get together naked and you wind up fucking like oh my god of course you're That's funny.

18:26 How could you think That's interesting. when you're a little drunk Yeah, it's amazing. I'll just wipe off the tip and put it back in. What happened to El Caco? Me llamo El Caco. Their technique and shit. certain bits where right out of the gate they're awesome it's cool but it's something that happens available on iTunes. and I couldn't even look. on it every night for six months i just realized now you didn't you fucking lying prick the desk

21:12 It becomes a bit of a there's some band I saw a bunch of guys Oh, yeah? was some Brazilian guy But Joe Loza used to love that joke. Like when Holtzman was on stage. I never see him at the store anymore, man. Really? Probably ten years. Yeah we should all go there sometime long walk to them is it like a theater it was a fucking old rock place with a big stage so like

23:56 650? Because even though it was 600 seats, it felt like a regular club. Still run like a club that just keeps going. just to make sure you have everything right we need them because they don't know sometimes a He gets red wine and white wine. We got Brian's coming with me. The Moore Theater is sold out. And I've been friends with him ever since. I think the Moore sold out though. How big is Knob Hill?

26:09 do a couple gigs here and there. Yeah, with Hollywood style of making it, there's only a certain size the pie is. How dare you, Brian. Montana, hunting. is getting to talk to him about Wild West stories and shit. That's where we camped. Yeah. Or we got in a boat, rather. Map! Map! small place but a very nice like cool small town call up a map and uh map from there

29:29 Dude, I'm telling a fucking important life-changing story It's fucking freezing outside. i was committed i was 100 committed i was like look if i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this the Exactly. And if that's how you were approaching it, I can understand that. we we hiked every morning uh for about three miles uh over this mountain these like these hills

31:42 In the strata, when things break off. They also find buffalo skulls all the time in the strata you know like when things break off they also find and you're trying to walk in it. and it gets wet, And it's exhausting. Okay. We probably would be safe, but you never can tell. man when you first of all it's fucking freezing like it got able to do it it's it's fucking cold But once you get in there for a while,

34:34 It sucks. You know, Your heart rate gets up. Was it warm at all during the days? but what it does have is it has a lot of certain types of animals that you could find. They're fucking impressive. badass with their curly horns. And so it's very difficult to get a tag, especially where we were, to hunt them. They interfere with traffic. I think it was Iowa.

37:55 like the groups that put bag limits on hunting, you know, whatever the agency, reintroducing animals that were wiped out. that hunting is cruel and that killing animals is cruel. the type of person that would say you shouldn't kill an animal because killing animals are cruel is a nice person. Deer hair in them. They rip it apart. They don't have hands. Do you see that video of the coyotes getting killed by the wolves? Yes, I did. Oh. Yeah.

39:44 Yeah. to track it down we see him from far far away and then we would duck behind Yeah. People don't want to step in your shit. Our diets are disgusting and non-natural and filled with preservatives and things that I just want them to take a look. but like how close can you be you can be close as long as the wind is going from them to you If they're going up over the hill and you shoot at them, they take off over the top of the hill.

42:29 Okay. All day is spent trying to walk as slowly and quietly as possible, stopping every 15 we saw are you following the tracks are you just walking, you're following the trails that the deer's traveling, You just found out later? We heard it. You just hear it go it gets scared it's it came through the camp and as it's in this camp it realized like oh my god i'm surrounded by ogres

44:28 weren't there during the rut during the rut it's really crazy because the deer get super bold You know, there's, I think some places that's illegal, though. Yeah, absolutely. So if you are a female deer, yeah, you can make that smell. That was the interesting thing. You can't get anything out there. When you're walking around, going after these deer,

46:39 And when they don't do things physically all day, they get exhausted. or you're sitting there and just sitting in front of the television, like doing that all day, like sitting in a desk all day, It's like we're not doing anything. we're standing up a walking podcast dude this fucking sucks is there a um yeah How about Griffith Park? Yeah, we should totally do that.

48:51 I mean, I showed you a picture of the animal that I shot. And we traveled about a mile in this long field. Well, they hold a camera. shape and he's in like great hiking shape and so uh he takes these really perilous paths too it was We did it. Yeah. so that it's it's scent is coming to us and ours is coming in and so then uh we got a shot off at It was pretty simple.

51:21 I had to have a scope because it was 200 yards away. It takes a long time before they change trajectory. we can never catch it again. I had to drop it, hit it with the second shot. Okay. With the rifle again? and I know I got a lot of criticism from a lot of You have lasagna. And I've taken no responsibility for how that meat is acquired. feeding shit food that their body can't even digest to fatten them up,

54:26 When it was dead? Yeah, he was struggling. eventually eat them you know and then when you're actually eating it it's like you know that that Well, we did the first night. this really efficient system of uh cleaning out things yeah so it's like nature has this really efficient system of cleaning out things yeah no, It doesn't like go straight to her fridge.

56:33 I don't really totally understand how that works either. Yeah, we had to take it apart. Actually, no. But I wanted to know i wanted to look the They're out there. Well, I have a lot of deer meat to eat. Adrenaline once you hit it before you kill it? a problem with killing things. I get it. That's everywhere you look. because you don't need capital punishment for sustenance.

1:00:15 in the process i don't want to start a farm and go kill a pig on a farm no part of you want to Whereas if you go to a... It would have died eventually. It wouldn't have died died right then but if you go to a farm or just of all two one people don't eat deer as much. Today. and do actually what you're doing to get that meat Wouldn't it be better to go to a place like that where they're killing chickens

1:02:36 Because humane... I think you're just baked. I think I've said this for a long time that I think that there's probably more nutrition in wild game than any other kind of food. lot of mountain lions that's where they eat yeah that's what they eat. Yeah, that's what they eat, especially fawns. deer that you're eventually going to eat and then like later that night you're sitting in front of

1:04:47 I don't get cries in anger when I put a steak on the grill and take a photo of it, You open them up, and you pour hot water on them. stuff you know like if we go yeah um you'd be amazed at like you could actually survive off I wondered if I was going to feel sad, if I'm going to feel bad. And like, you don't have to eat nature to be connected with it.

1:06:44 It just can't defend itself. Why'd you eat the fucking Mars kale, you cunt? We couldn't get a tag to shoot them, but I enjoyed seeing them. Try to eat those things? I'm going to do this more often. You would want to make sure that- is there any freshness factor to it like well the organs yes you should cook the organs quickly as possible too where it breaks it down like a pork shoulder you know they do that they slow cook it. That's the other way, too, where it breaks it down like a pork shoulder. You know, they do that. They slow cook it.

1:09:31 Like venison. Yeah. Deer and beef and yeah yeah cow becomes beef pork steer becomes beef yeah it's it's weird a steer you know we have to make a steer what's that oh it's a cow that we Isn't that the way they get them going? Are you crazy? It's just a matter of how long before you get thrown off. Riding a bull is so ridiculous. Was that relieving every night to be able to actually use your voice?

1:11:07 he's got a great group of dudes that he's got working for him. you know, You're camping outside most of the year. For hunting. one dude um his uh he he uh he gave up but his friend tried to resist. And so this guy outran them. so they could breathe in there. ran into uh each other you know what's also fascinating what he told me was how how ruthless

1:14:23 and they actually wound up cannibalizing people. You know, you ride your fucking wagon train to the wrong town. Can you imagine how ruthless? He's talking about all the things that happened his ears so he could uh he could listen to warnings better in the afterlife and they wow the guy would like be standing there like sneering at people and he really was he really was the guy

1:16:31 All right, guys, relax. He would do those. Instead of killing... I know this is like running man shit, but instead of killing Charles Taylor and fucking and you're like this guy littered Oh my God. a wonderful life, father. did you have any thought of like like I should say a snappy Oh no no And seen it flop How did... And Brian Callum was off with another professional hunting guide.

1:18:53 Yeah, yeah, we met up at night. off yeah he's never off he's on the whole time it was a series of gay jokes that never ended or this it was just it was so ridiculous you're not gonna be able to use that though right probably Yes. I had to pull the organs out. Is that your first time? is no confusion as to where that meat came from and there's a complete direct attachment i said

1:21:55 outside that while you were while you're like eating this is like going through your mind It sounds like you don't know what psychedelic means. When you're there and you're in nature okay and there's no cell phone I mean it is as wildlife immersive as In that way, it's sort of psychedelic. You're up wandering through the hills with a rifle, Okay, picture this.

1:24:54 You're back to your last campsite. And you reach in your pocket like, oh hey guys i forgot these were in here i work to be done i still had to go back up there and get the deer itself and cut it apart and that I really do. I think if you want to choose to eat meat Why are we fooling ourselves? I've been growing things lately, man. And I looked at it.

1:27:54 Hire someone to run a farm. If you start with a cult, then all of a sudden they're like, to nature way to live. We've decided we would rather What all those stories come from is at one point in time, wolves used to kill people. They put walls up to keep them out. Nice. Just some real wolves? Solar system. They could put on old ladies' clothing, too, and try to to fool uh little girls yeah they could talk english back in the day yeah

1:32:06 Yeah, but that's what I don't understand about The Grey. They're sneaky. would run away do we heard those wolves kill kill a skunk when i was camping yeah it's just so the In Idaho? But now they're forced to have wolf hunts because the wolves don't have any predators. wolves but now you can't eat them yeah but now as i get older i understand like you have to hunt them

1:34:06 like oh i think it sucks that the people after are going to hunt wolves like they have to hunt go outside for like all night. Packs chilling in this lady's driveway. Dude, do you imagine? Johnny is 140. Was there any moment of like right before you pulled the trigger, A mountain lion killed in Santa Monica is probably seeking a home. go buy Revenge for the Holocaust,

1:36:21 I never talked about it. It's really fucking weird, though, That's weird. I know you're a silly bitch. Word. Just get one of these. I'd be like mini Dean everywhere. Yeah, why not, man? It makes you look mysterious back there. Every single tweet is, I love you. She's hot as fuck. God, it's the worst when people fall in love and they feel like we've, man. It's so silly. Are they dating? He makes good music. They live together now. She's hot as fuck.

1:38:18 The worst, Ari. now. Can't you just let them be in their Oh, that'd be the worst, too. all the way Yeah, and I don't care and some Vicodin. So you don't feel But I don't put it back Yes, I know that's the desire. Yours leans back. you are not able to use your computer at all you are a very tall guy and your legs get in the way Oh, SkyMall blanket. Yeah, you can't.

1:41:38 Everyone is selfish and looks at you. Yeah, I agree. They would put their head right in your dick. I agree. I don't think it's that selfish. exit row i don't and that's if i see a short person behind me i still don't lean my chair back because it fucking disrupts oh you're a sweetie i'm just so selfless that's I say, just so you know, Say, would you please,

1:43:30 Yeah, you are. What about cock? It cross-loads. I can only wear certain types of pants. Because you have thick thighs? they'll do what allowed to keep that you know like you know you're not supposed to talk about That's why we don't do it. By the way, Onnit is going to have a testosterone boosting formula. Whoa. Whoa. pills are everywhere man we we live in a really strange world because in the middle of this whole debate on marijuana that keeps going on in the public eye, when you see it on CNN.

1:47:17 do your work you're gonna go after high school kids marijuana high schoolers selling marijuana that. Get all the other drugs first. You should just jerk off into people's hair. It's like you're cattle now. what size yeah you got them all over this fucking gate they're everywhere and then i get on you're three rows of two instead of two rows of three?

1:49:24 on trains like all people be on the bottom some No, like on trains. No, old people would be on the bottom. That's what it is. Trying to fuck on airplanes I just think that uh you can't They fucked their heads up. Can you imagine you just jerking off straight at the guy? He's like, I'll bet you all right now. and they got him hog tied While people jizz on the sides and glaze them up.

1:52:14 they were gay they didn't they didn't want to have nothing to do with her so she would take off they And so my earliest encounters with gay people was very positive. that because are just decidedly my friend called it Mecca. I'm telling you, besides the persecution and the fact that people don't want them to get I'll be in my car. good jobs they don't wait everyone pays their own way and women will look some women get just happy

1:54:23 have going for them is they're fucking men they unless he was a greedy bitch Yeah. It's almost all oral gay people being pedophiles there's a big difference between being a pedophile and being But I'm like is it? It is just grinds her clit on her tongue. This big fucking giant floppy face hugger pussy. I'm getting thirsty. But you got to keep your tongue out.

1:57:30 The aggressive female gay type. I don't think it's that. strap on a fucking you like who are you and what are you trying to do because okay you don't even Same sort of thing. feels good to your body that's what it's about it's about people doing things to each other's 300, I'll look it up right now, I never hear crabs. Yeah. dick hole and pull it, strain it all out.

2:00:20 because it's partially sponsored by the gonorrhea medication. and then there's like just so they can Chuli gum factory They try to just make it have more gonorrhea. what is the expression? Oh, They're so tied in with like, But that just goes to show you that there's that many crazy people. Yeah. Can your ears go back? and stitch it up. It's a weird thing that people want to do.

2:03:06 she could take the pain that's a girl could take a serious fucking you know girls who like leave it here to charge whoa and it was like i'll be okay at fucking 11 p.m at night to whenever and you're Oh, by the way, Brian, we're going to be able to upload all the shows live on YouTube as Two feeds? Two video feeds? The problem I have with YouTube is that I've always tried to do the live streaming thing.

2:05:01 We won't see until they're putting the bricks on the walls this week i'm making it fancy folks making it like uh billy joel's and I don't want Joey You know what would have been so it adds like another wall layer you know so i figured that would be uh pretty good to uh prevent some sound and then i'm also got these curtains that Once the bricks are up on the wall and I got the wall painted.

2:07:04 and make it like as cool inside What do you got there, fella? oh yeah bro your neighborhood the community that I live in like no kenny's mine i have like feels died ding dong ding dong ding dong yeah i'm flying to What's the club in Calgary? I'll get a lot of people come from that show. That's one of the cool things about everybody doing all these shows and putting out CDs

2:09:04 I haven't really felt like this since Open M to. Yeah, I feel very challenged, you know? Yeah. It feels fun. I haven't really felt like this you had to have something new It's a crazy little We're going to have to figure out our own Let's go to Joshua Tree, man! What is he? Dude, I did. Dude, his website's really badass. You have a little cork, real cork wood disc inside the bottle cap.

2:11:21 Him and his personality. and you'll see it just burn right through my Death Squad shirt right here. I mean, would you do that? then sure, whatever. That's what I do with weeds now. Why would you do that when you just get more? on the radar they're a lot of they're on the radar in colorado man there's a lot of people but people Or you're ignorant. manifest itself that way or it could manifest itself by them being perpetually late or it

2:14:50 Well, anything can help you along if you don't have any resolve. That's true too. Look, people it just doesn't mix well, also. That's true, too. It's amazing. you got to really get comfortable with letting go and like you finding like the center of your You start thinking a bunch of different things. Remove all the layers of consciousness, all the layers of letting go until you get to the center.

2:16:33 This guy just was telling me the other day about the same thing. there's no input coming in you could just sit there and go oh this sucks i'm bored or you could right away. You start thinking about where I've just taken some pot cookie or something. And the scenery enough from the outside can help you just start a synapse going a little bit. anymore and i could type pretty quick i type really really quick now. So I have to type.

2:18:55 Yeah. I'm not cranky. And then it's just like now it's yeah don't you do you feel now that you're Yeah, and that's one thing that people have kept telling me over and over again from this podcast. Sometimes you need to read it again. like a podcast medium contact with everyone in the world quick contact with everyone in the world and Powerful Ari Shaffir of the Skeptic Tank on iTunes.

2:21:12 My dates are on there. And you just got done doing a fucking return homecoming gig in the place where you started. Yeah. san francisco at the knob hill masonic center that is november the 2nd on friday and then will join us on the podcast. I'm giving away four free tracks of my CD. Buy it again. Like, hey, my old school. That's the FBI telling us our time is up.

2:23:39 I definitely got a joke on. All right. That's just what's in the hemp and all the juicy good shit that we put in it. All right. Thank you to anybody who comes to all of our shows. Okay, so which one, what date is sold out? It's two Columbus shows, one Dayton, one Cincinnati. And so is Doug Benson. Good they better They do not want me is too white but it's over with the Olive Garden. We love the fucking shit out of you people. We'll see you soon. We're too white. White Castle's cool, though. We'll be back tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. We didn't make it to family, but it's over with the Outlaw Carton.

2:25:53 what I'm saying.