Joe Rogan Experience #28 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Joey Coco Diaz, a.k.a. Mad Flavor. Before we even get started, we've got to talk about the rubber vagina that we use on a weekly... His is falling apart. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? their feet were fucking yellow. Maybe it was a weed you were smoking. They're in their guard. You often talk about feet a lot.

1:42 That's just something you have to deal with. Just watching. at Legends. You ever see Chuck Liddell people walk on them. I love what you guys do. in my face from somebody Because that's what it is. A guy's basically Get away from me. You slap hands. Everyone's been through the ringer. You do it for so long. which means my ball sack If you've got a firecracker here, an explosion here,

4:45 Like if I ever have a Brock Lesnar, fuck it. Joey Diaz is famous for showing his balls. I cannot believe how different they fucking look. that you, like, and Louis C.K. was on. if I pull out my dick, you fucking fake faggot. a comic is all your life people have been telling you shut up that's mean don't say that you know We should talk about that. Let's explain what happened.

7:07 1-2-1-2 And they And they just let us do it I couldn't believe you not only did it there, you did it coming back. And the kid was laughing and smiling. That poor kid was loving the chaos, wasn't she? If you Google Joe Show, Joey Diaz ready to die. You can also see it in Talking Monkeys in Space, your DVD that's out right now on Amazon. Not just talked, sang songs.

8:48 I don't know, but it was not American Airlines. And she was pretending that she was trying out for a Canadian idol. It made more sense. those four-day fucking protein shake, I did not miss that. Tate's farts were fucking 22 times worse We were reading a magazine. They were running from it. His farts had this Then this complete other thing It was there, but not really.

11:24 Like, you could smell the root of the fucking asshole. It was all mixed together with horror. And a kid when I was growing up, He was Puerto Rican and Cuban. Tate would just light up an airplane. Fucking chewing gum and ripping the most horrendous farts known to man. I was in the middle of writing and just out out of nowhere, I see Joey do this. Oh, I do that.

13:35 No, not Donald Duck. And all of a sudden, I turn around, a waitress is coming by me with a tray of fucking glasses, Somebody busts you. as they were picking me up, tape farts that just kept getting thicker. I mean, farts are in there. It's an airplane joke, and I fucking loved it. Who did he do it on? about farts on stage before and and had to be fucking crying laughing it's the truth and if

16:15 I think if you give yourself any restrictions, I mean, you could be dwelling on the dumbest fucking thing in the world, like the most obvious premise. Right? where their audience was comics. Whenever Joey sits back like this and crosses his fingers on his chest, he's fucking gone. Maybe I shouldn't touch this. I don't like abortion talk. that was mean and funny,

18:17 I've never mentioned the word rape. I'm a pussy, but not real. You told the truth about going to prison. Here's what gets me about the abortion subject. I should not be able to tell anybody what to do. I mean, we can play games and say at three days in it's not, at five days let it grow. You're terminating And if I was a woman, it would creep me out that I would have to do something like that,

20:50 Could you imagine if it was you that got pregnant? It's like three or four. A convention. And at first, I was like, they're not real. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It just looks freaks me out. And if you don't know But I'm trying to think of the process. checking out the anatomy. You sure? Did we go together to see that? Yeah. It's something called 11-hydroxy metabolites produced by your liver.

23:55 and get fucked up the last night. He called me once. Like, that's the whole conversation. It's always doing FaceTime. I was getting blitzkrieged. to do this Fear Factor show. It doesn't feel like pot. It doesn't feel like you're high. And it was with you. When Clay Greeter fought Diego Sanchez, I could feel the smacks. like I can't even block these fucking punches

26:32 That's when you know, fuck 3D glasses, motherfucker. making believe he was jabbing. that you can tell if they have issues. It's like you have a new sense that you usually don't have. you telling someone that you have an enlightened you can see some shit. And you figure out some Yeah. It's still laying around, but it's not even connected anymore. I've done all this?

28:51 Nobody does it. You get to see fucking life for what it is when you're sitting in that corner listening They fit you fit. There's a giant nice lady. Let's do a Death Squad trip and tape it over there. I'll do it with you guys. And Ari, too. Yeah. No, no. Start faking it. Ah! Ah! Yeah. And we could advertise That guy, he's on another level. he's got this new thing that i tell you about the new thing the video cameras this motherfucker you

31:38 of you feels like you're weightless but then he figured out all you have to do is just put a ton completely objectively, think about it, there's no place like that on earth where you can be separate from your body. And sometimes you've got too much. realize it. Everything you do is constant input coming in. You got to navigate your way through this world.

33:35 How come you've never done it? And it seems like, I don't know, I guess it's not a necessity. We're going to do the isolation tank. And their website has a listing of places where you can rent time in a tank all over the world, You know, it's a term, right? But I would talk to people and, you know, I'd be like, you know, they would I tell you what, though. They're nice. Oh, they're fucking brilliant. But I would talk to people, and I'd be like, they would say, oh, I've got this back injury.

35:40 What the fuck are you talking about? know how to use it it's like a computer and we don't even have a manual we're just going into you have to be kind of crazy to have access to the pure belief that you can fix yourself with like, you know, at each other's face that's burnt into your retina. when I climb this ladder? All that shit to get high. rather. Did you go to it? Yes.

38:19 It's this gigantic fucking thing they have up there, you know, telescope. It's like 10,000 feet above sea level. We're going to get up there. It's the best view I stood there in Hawaii looking How awesome would that be? It would be insane. You look up in the Vegas night, you don't see a fucking thing. Yeah, that's crazy. and man, Especially that new one that could fucking burn you.

40:40 it's illegal. One of those reflectors on the moon. You can just buy it. chains that came out when lasers first came out Bones. I still have a bunch of his lighters, man. hanging out more at the rock bars, you know, lately. That was literally half the show, and started fucking around with us and you don't have any restrictions about time or What was like a typical routine? I have no fucking idea. You don't remember what you first started out, you were like telling jokes on stage, right? Yeah. Like how would you like, what was like a typical routine?

43:19 And then you would go to the next subject. me when I was coming up was Richard Jenney. Richard Jenney, I got to see him a bunch of times. He would do a subject for like 10 minutes. they didn't give him the credit that he His timing was amazing. But he was headed to Austin. and you know but I always felt like you see him there yeah we're doing I seen Bobcat yesterday at the doctor's office.

45:40 Skinny? But it was good to see him. That's fucking brilliant. I had to work bananas with him like six years ago, and that's what we're talking about. Yeah, every now and then. If the internet had come along 10 years earlier, Some girl cut me off. There was, it's so easy now. show host guy like nobody would have taken my comedy seriously you know you have to you'd have

47:52 This podcast. talk to the press for you and you're a publicist and publicists are fucking useless now as long They're going to make an honest judgment. Apple and unspecified partners and licensees may collect and store user location data. Yeah, well, there gets to a point where everything, is i mean that's what they're doing they're trying to find out where you're at are you buying things

50:09 Right, but what I was saying about the phone eventually becoming money. Once you have the phone on, once you have a phone on, doesn't whoever the fuck know I guess that's something you just have to be like, well, hey, they don't use it. Right, but they know exactly where you are. calls AT&T and Maybe that's what they're selling. Either to get your dick sucked or to fucking gamble if you're a regular consumer.

52:07 So how do you think they, It's very annoying when someone calls my house Home phones are dead, man. Right. sign up to win this car. That became more available. That was what We lost a lot of freedoms, bro. just got sold. Let me ask you this. What do you think that... don't want no matches because your name just got sold let me ask you this what do you think

54:00 be struggling to try to get more control fine. Okay, that's not obvious. It's just, at a certain point in time, it's like, how much information is going to be available about, I mean, right now, If somebody's a 16-year-old I saw you Twitter from your cell phone. and turn on your cameras and just view whatever is going on in your room I think the government could be like, you know what?

56:00 How about dudes? Brian, why are you giving out stalking information? Even when you were a young kid, Okay, that's cool. and you know her password, I flat out busted you and shit. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I followed you There's like one appearance with him on Soul Train where he's singing something and nobody remembers. Walking in the rain.

58:04 Silly Rabbit, Tricks and Forkings. Okay, we have it? Yeah, I'm waiting for it. There's a. Wasn't it Silly Rabbit Tricks for Kids? Yeah, that's where it came from. Silly Rabbit Tricks for Kids. Why are they 30 seconds now? some fucking 10 second video, This is probably, was it 84? Oh, shit. I wonder what he's doing today. You got it perfect. When he breaks it down.

59:51 Come on, man. Why doesn't some white guy start wearing like crazy suits and furs and shit like that? A silver cane. Come on in here. Oh, shit! Oh my goodness. Everything. Huh? I saw you. Beautiful. Except R. Kelly's much more ridiculous. You know, what is it about black culture where the black guy never loses? You ever watch Superfly? He got the man.

1:03:58 I don't think white people will ever understand that. Big article about him recently. but he still goes, Yeah, I bet he's got a website and a community. I mobile-meet you. It wasn't even stalking. follow-up success, better known as Mookie, including Houston's, JustFlippin.com, or Global Grind. Because that sounds pretty funny. laughing at is not... He doesn't understand

1:06:33 it is but you have to really mean it to pretend. They were making It's funny. It's okay, I mean, it's funny. Let me just lay this shit down on this bitch, all right? You're fucking retarded. Have you ever had a girl tell you to not talk about her in your act? it's like you sick fuck i'm a born-again Christian now, and all this. days. The where are you now, you know,

1:09:15 she goes I was drinking oh I was drinking and I was leaning against this Didn't even know Construction site I might have been a little older Get your clothes on, this and that. spring break and coming back with Rugburn I go, I believe you, but it's funny. And like, I remember this babysitter And she would kind of like squeeze my head I'll take a seat.

1:11:35 and I'd be like underneath the blanket And she let you do that? It's like your bit. Okay, this is great Where does she live? No, but I think that would be kind of hot. So it's probably still lubing up itself. No. Self-evaluate. So hot. And you're like, we were meant to be together? They want it to be like that. I had a 21-year-old chick that used to grab my dick when I was 13.

1:14:28 I'd never masturbated before. Nothing. in the neighborhood, And she would just let, She's fucking 21, What the fuck? And we'd line them up and make them all take off their pants. Oh, dude. A pencil up a... And then when she didn't reply back to me, I started thinking about all those times. I would go down to Miami get it in there? that had hair on her pussy.

1:16:41 I dated her. This girl, all you had to do was But it wasn't the same effect. oh, oh, I would get a new one when she was 21 When she was 21 I'm like trying to Right Right 15-year-olds and 16-year-olds and whatever, they We go from nothing to hanging out with this whore? but I don't, like, it was, and she was fat. Yeah. Yeah? Oh, no, you were saying that?

1:19:37 But to a black dude, 480, blonde, with a fucking Cadillac, he went bananas. I forget this. Rascals West Orange is like a lot of cool people, normal people They were barbarians. a long time ago He just contacted me on Facebook. Yeah, in the summer. Uncle Floyd was this guy who had puppets and shit. But to them, it's like nostalgia. You know, and I had no idea. Where who was like really famous, you know, and

1:21:31 Yeah. It was a place. and I'd never heard of him, So after that, that's the worst thing you want, It's called The Story of Haley Riley, and she wanted to meet me, and there's this long email and there's this whole backstory of this thing on your forms on so check it out but uh turns out this girl was just like a huge crazy fat girl you know Because I think back in the day, somewhere like in LiveJournal or something like that,

1:24:11 she wouldn't respond. Anyways, that was two years Okay. Yeah. You're not a fucking wizard, okay? Oh, wow. I mean, she's not hurting anybody. You're supposed to fly her out. and it's the only time I don't like fat chicks. This girl had all these fake photos. fuck, you know what? that came into my vision, like stepped in front of the girl, and it was her.

1:27:11 It was some of the best pussy ever, though. Look at that fucking monster of a monster that you have. You go to that fucking Russian weed store on Sunset across from Rock and Roll Rouse, 50 pounds overweight? I've waited online. She looks like one of those girls that's just big boned, but she'll take you for the ride of her fucking life. That ass is good.

1:29:09 I'd give her a stab About 160 That's how you know. I looked at them like, This girl would go back and forth. Like Beyonce She's perfect Yeah. Is that girls doing it for girls? That they look better My whole air conditioning unit bones, shit? fucking teeth like, cause that fucking They do want to see that. and I'm trying to lose 35 pounds Yeah. It's I eat out every night.

1:31:56 My metabolism is jacked, man. 35 pound kettlebell it seems like how's that even going to get you tired? Right. Dude, your heart is flying. You do something like that, dude, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. Absolutely. Like a pussy makes you brave. You're hanging on to Bill Burr's comb like it's your baby. Bill Burr is so old school, he carries a comb in his pocket.

1:34:11 being somebody that's like hey i'm gonna get a job at foxcom you know and then you're like like Ah, net. really yeah for 300 000 well you know we talked about this before you can't get a fucking iphone you know, in Afghanistan, It is. it was there. Why do people still tolerate it? all you need to know, and these are real facts, Where's the warlord?

1:36:20 It's not like Mexico. Educate these motherfuckers. Pablo Escobar, all those guys, And when they went to go pick up the package, they saw these kids there. So the parents paid for their own autopsies. And he said that that's just what they do. That's what they've always done countries and one of the things they do There's so much money there. What the fuck do you do

1:38:46 Making money off drugs It plays a part Finances this shit busted the CIA selling drugs but he him in was a Roddy Roddy Piper I got ruddy ruddy Piper beat him up on Well, he kind of is, like everyone else. It was a joke. What have you told him, Brian? I think at a certain point in time, and he just got caught up in it? Oh. Kitty Fart Cup stuff. and she said that her bracelet went off

1:41:40 And they're saying it's more. went to jujitsu i said no drinking kombucha it's all healthy and shit all right but i mean maybe it has this little tiny bit of alcohol No, the grape one, too strong. I was getting sick all the time. It's crazy, and I think it has to do with the probiotics. and I'm not getting sick. Hey, this is the bottom line. His guard is nasty.

1:43:56 You let him catch you in a technique battle. It was beautiful, man. It was beautiful. Look, Fedor is a bad motherfucker. He's really like a People who don't fall don't know what it's like But right after he and fucking pummeled him. Because part of what made him exciting was the fact that he was this undefeated guy who seemed to be superhuman and destroys Tim Sylvia, destroys Andrei Orlovsky.

1:46:31 Brock gets you in that spot, in Fedor a little bit. You know, he's beaten a lot of And when he took Brett Rodgers down, he just controlled him on the ground and beat the fuck out of him. Alistair, that's one of the scariest guys in the division. K-1 level, Would he have to go to the UFC now? You've got to be in the heat with the best that kind of shit before.

1:48:58 He made mistakes. You know what was really exciting about that night, man? and dude's back out of the way just of the punch, blasts you. And his kicks are fucking deadly, man. That motherfucker. That fight has That dude's chin is made of cement. So him and Lytle is just a guaranteed fucking, it's one of those fun websites. just the basic, and match up.

1:51:36 And that way you could get it on your iPad. Right. It's just not, it's cool to look at pictures and stuff, I guess. Tyler Knight. And Tyler's a really good writer, but he's got some ridiculous stories about porno sets literally hundreds of dudes and he totally fails How about cleats? and has some great, great stories about the porn business. Yeah, yeah.

1:53:31 Really? Thomas Ward was another guy that like I always funny guy, man. Thomas Ward was another guy Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about So what's today? No, no, no. I never really got that hot. stream that's in the earth. Chloroform? especially with babies and shit. Yeah, Sal's Comedy hole is a new place that I want to check out. Where's that? I've never been there before.

1:55:56 Could you imagine that? Don't bother me. I'm going to the improv after. I have no idea. Saturday is Brock Lesnar. Done. Yeah, I think Brock's just a monster. He weighs the same amount. I think he's just got a lot of time to think about shit He's like ripped. and he watches his food. throwing people around. Would they let them fight in the UFC? and he tattooed a dick on his chest?

1:58:58 like permanent marker. Paul Kelly. Paul Telly's Kelly. can get someone's eye with sweat you can't do that oh you can't put anything on you're not even i Main event fight. A real dick. They concentrate on the black dick. No black dicks in your chest. why the fuck are you asking me this? You can't even get that shit. fucking sponsor. I've been telling you that we're a half hour

2:01:24 That's what pays. Keep the lights on. Bat tub with that? you feel like five times more of a loser fucking a rubber pussy about a real doll would probably be way worse though yeah no that'd be kind of fucking useless just to drive around I know people have been Or a schoolgirl outfit. comedy. It's real stand-up DVD slash CD. That's the name of my album right there, Doug.

2:03:51 On iTunes Like a Dallas weekend Let's do it. And we'll have, you know, it'll be fucking perfect. Friday night and the Improv We completely revamped the whole situation standing on stage for an hour and a half, I think it's no big deal My back started hurting. Not fun. There was no other venue available It became a disaster. And then after that, yeah it was gonna be fun man

2:06:33 we appreciate it