Joe Rogan Experience #281 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. it weaves itself the way you do it. which is organically so they have like it's really good service but you could just cancel you can make joint accounts So it allows you to choose from people friends is that you get to find out about cool things that they're into that maybe you didn't It invigorates you and fires

2:48 I mean, um, As in, certain things just didn't work, or they had answers to so many different things. There's greats from the past in all endeavors, but in stand-up comedy, in fighting, I don't Right. Like, smart as shit. Get out there and do it for America. you put Mike Tyson against Ali ali remember something ali took it was 220 pounds right which is a big man without lifting a big man

5:15 And I think his ability to kind of rope and move with shots me he was afraid he's gonna get bit i just think skill wise i think ali was great but if you look Of course he had great power. Because somebody's going to lose their brain. What about training techniques? 400-pound preternaturally fast athletes. Yes, I have. It was almost like he was... I met at the Playboy Mansion

7:42 You know who was one of the scariest guys He was 300 pounds, natural, giganti. He goes, I don't know. He was Tom Erickson. he had him and he was whispering in his ear. something like that and then if you see when when they are awesome when he's getting when he had the Yeah. you know, some giant guy. He'd suplex you and drop you on your neck. he'd have you elevated

10:49 He was just a huge mongoose man. All back and traps It just embodied those Cold War Olympics, where everybody was afraid of the Russians. I think our boy yeah but he's like Alexander pull up Karelin and there's a photo of. Brian, pull this up. Pull up Alexander. See that photo? he's the hulk i'm 170 that's the real hulk he's like the real hulk he doesn't even have a mouthpiece

13:00 different too though isn't it i mean yeah whenever you When you punch somebody in the face It neutralizes a lot of stuff No I don't want to bang it See that? Hold on. Dude. He's just got more simian. Look at this shit. So here's the question. of training he does, there are people out there that are genetic freaks that don't need time no the times they the times that they had from 10 20 years ago from whatever it was where

16:06 and, you know, he saw, and he's seen track and field athletes, like, the world i don't think it was justin gadlin and maurice green i think those were two and what Well, then what does that say about, so if that's the case, is it a fair competition There is no level playing field because we have ectomorphs, endomorphs, and mesomorphs. classically muscular.

17:59 some people can never achieve that physical frame. it's like there's certain dudes where there's so much of a physical gift it's it's almost he's one of the rare fighters that talks about being scared and you know what went through his I don't know who didn't like it, Dana or someone. And anybody who thinks he isn't a bad motherfucker Hey, I hear through the grapevine

20:33 Anderson He could take a hell of a shot. It is. But Anderson's never showed endurance problems. fucking striker watch this at wrapping you up with leg kicks too And finally, Cyborg, like the pressure of Nick constantly coming at him. But he's got to walk around. Yeah, he definitely never gets fat. Yeah, high carbohydrate, complex carbohydrate. complete protein but meat is a very calorie dense uh energy dense uh complete protein yeah it's just

24:14 It was called The Wild Within. lewis and clark said they they as they went through it they were like there we think we saw some signs of native americans i mean not even worry about it and i'd be You're walking forever. So he's like constantly their ideas they just believe in fitness yeah then fitness so your body gets a a comprehensive and building up your core

27:04 don't do it as much Yeah, you do. position, throw it up over your head. You do that 21 times, go at 21 pull-ups, 15 thrusters, 15 It's amazing. like an easy day that's the the full back day that i do i do one full back day that's only like I do all this stuff. night we were freezing and the sleeping bags they gave us didn't really work and as i'm getting i'm

30:16 Dude, I still have these red marks all over my ass and legs. I'll take out your fucking thorns. I literally, the first time I couldn't get him into focus And it was like, There's a distance you keep your eye from the scope, They'll just show up and then they just disappear. I'm chasing for all morning. I finally, I when i come over this ridge i got him and i'm like

32:45 that in a long time man and the the crazy thing was that we both talk about how you have energy all that whole time it's it well i i definitely don't think we're designed to to live the way we the thoughts that are crammed into our brains just through visual already be evolving to match and coordinate with this ever-changing, exponentially growing environment.

34:52 They know that it's having an effect on bees, especially cell phone signals. We're not going to be biological for very long. I bet. Yeah, of course you would. um as a computer program yeah i mean right that's look it's not also look if i can download if i accept things when they're natural you know i know but you know if you create it we've been for

37:45 Absolutely. well i don't know i don't know what biology means anymore what happens to the bacteria that exists Everything. That's right. they have made it more and more and more and more complex. It's all on, you know, Yeah, the Egyptians. Now, most of the innovation Are your eyes sensitive, my friend? They called me game eye and the cashmere killer because I was wearing three layers of cashmere,

41:26 It was just a fucking laugh. where he's angry about stuff skinning this animal i have to do something you should see me in church i went to church like four times in my life i played my brother on news radio I remember that I can't handle that Hey, I want my friend She's a nice person and all that good. She needed some dick. I was like alright I think we met up for I don't even know if we ate

43:55 And I'm just laughing understand i couldn't i couldn't understand why they weren't just like me and then i dated a girl That's not fair to a girl. one of the things that i pride myself in is i've never tried to make someone that i've dated any and tell them they have to read it. And a lot of times they were smarter than I was. whether it's sports or certain types of music.

46:07 Are you serious? I'm being nice because I love Eddie. the fucking guitar scratching on the pick yeah you know what i mean i want i want to hear like They have this band called Smoke Serpent. violence they hate violent sports they don't i mean they just don't like it but i can have great Want to kill something Living in LA They're on my From the moment we got there, he was, this is all mining.

48:56 wrong about that but anyway so like right away he gets into his you know ridiculous character and I'm like, all right, that's fucking it. They said that they were going to give it to us because they could never put it on their show. Once you do it, it's so fascinating. we basically went into the wild, like the real legitimate wild. So what it is is like this really inhospitable terrain that occasionally, you know, every couple days or so, a new person will venture into.

51:02 It's more of these hills and valleys hills and valleys and and then and then skinned by some stranger and then quartered and put together and grind and processed with other cows, and it's a mixture of shit. And one of the things I thought was there were two things I found profound you really get a sense of the vast discrepancy between life and death and our own biology and how fragile we are.

53:17 or even our very recent ancestors to kill another human being. But I'm just saying that I can understand how a hunter Yeah. Usually there's virtually It made me more respectful No, what you're doing is you're going out they love every aspect of it. Like where we were at, we couldn't use two-way communication. You know why? when they saw rams, and you'd have no game left.

56:29 You need some regulation. They're probably the best. because there's only two options. and you go and earn it and get that animal it's not an animal trapped in a pen that you force into that animal is very close to the connection of taking a human life my issue with hunting is like Like a slow cooker? That's why you catch them with lures. eat things with their face yeah and you catch them by the face yeah well i'm so afraid of the ocean

59:45 and a SEAL team following me, it'd be fine. it's an area the size of you know how it started do you know how the Somalia thing started So all of a sudden, because you guys have fucked up our fishing. Yeah. you shot really well too. I, No, it's not going to stay still. And the deer went like this. Well, you had gotten the deer and I was so worried I wasn't going to get a deer.

1:02:42 Isn't it funny that that's a big issue for a lot of people? Yeah. big piece of shit wow this big fat mountain lion asshole was it as big as the shit that you took Hey, we're 45 everybody It's foul. and when we got back i stunk oh i stunk terrible but when i got in that shower oh my god i was so We saw several gay gentlemen. Oh, really? Okay? But the kitchen is like, they were all hipsters working there.

1:05:46 a lot of cool it's a college town no It really is, yeah. I'm doing it right now. Yeah, I've done Gotham. I think it's my favorite place to play in New York. Then I have my own. In fact, I was with you when you... We watched you and... on my podcast. and craziness and yeah you know her the the kind of dove on my podcast uh on man thoughts uh which i'm posting today uh you guys might man thoughts

1:08:36 Yeah. Yeah. Johnny Knoxville is playing Dove Davidoff in a story about his life. Oh, he wrote it? I was like, man, I feel like you could have got around that. I enjoyed the shit out of it, man. But for whatever reason, it just disappeared. It's too bad. This is a new thing, actually, How the movie only made $6 million Listen, man. So he'd have a really common sense measure, let's say,

1:12:04 We'll be right back. and then the farmers won't let us on the land. And he's so, by the way, liberal he believes in like you know marriage and yeah and also like he believes that we should do they just spend all day down on Capitol Hill. your election. Yeah, constitutionally, the Bill of Rights used to also have a lot of shit in it. are the wealthiest counties and they don't produce a goddamn thing.

1:14:16 Yeah. We just need to add some more laws. want to support things so they support gay marriage, and it should be illegal how is that not legal but yet insider trading is that doesn't make any You're influencing personal freedom for sure. And, you know, I think it was James Madison who said that special interest groups have always been the threat to this form of system of government however they'll cancel each

1:17:05 the look at what the auto united auto workers union did to itself you could retire with 95 And this is exactly For Chevrolet It's what I was talking about. So it just got... I did an exhaustive study on it. Yeah? You hope? Smarter. He took it to the next level this weekend. or country western but with stand-up comedy it's like we don't really have genres you know you

1:19:53 and hilarious. Andrew Dice Clay. It's a legit style. sometimes I look at, I got, That's why when I watch Matt McConaughey in fucking magic, I mean, I hate him. 10 or 15 minutes of actual activity, No, I just saw the movie Which one would you choose out of the Magic Mike? He's got nice skin. Talking about Channing Tatum's cock. So did you watch the actual whole movie? That just came out of humor. Jesus, we're both really something Joe Rogan and Brian Callen. Gay as it gets. Talking about Channing Tatum's cock.

1:22:20 Were you alone? whoa, change it quick. this is so gay. And you know what What bothered me But I wouldn't You and Channing Tatum in your underwear. next to that guy. Maybe he just wanted to meet Yeah, with his shirt off. He can scream all you want. Maybe that's what Matthew McConaughey was doing. No, I don't agree. Let's say if there was some grass in front of his car and nobody could see and he dropped down for a quick 50.

1:25:17 I understand. That's all I'm saying. Fucking A. God bless you. What do you think Matthew McConaug He's doing it so he can go out and get laid on a Saturday night. Fucking A. And there's a difference. and it's fucking great. in the world of television. Go of acting. I don't agree. He's not without talent. Freak you out. Magic Mike? There's your boy. There's your boy.

1:27:20 That's my boy. That's a cool table. Thank you, Mike. I was hoping it was all a joke. He sure is, brother. This is the new roadhouse. Oh, my God. Oh, I get it. Look at the back on him. I don't know what happened to you. Wow. Or desire. and i took one uh last night when i got home what's in it i can't read this it's too small I'm not saying it is, but what if it was?

1:30:35 I just wouldn't trust it. that's illegal now And you could get it at GNC. It had an effect I would masturbate and then just be another boner It was just a coincidence. Yeah. Yeah. Frothyode? Yeah. I think it was Jack. You'll look like that artificial you look, it doesn't make any sense. Look your head exactly framework for this i have a narrow head

1:33:09 I got a small fucking head The biggest head growing that's the weirdest thing when you see old people and they have gigantic ears i know Can you bind your ears, sir? what the fuck is with those ears? At 80, he'll break your fucking wrist. And he went out to stop them there's certain old men I'm in the makeup chair But I don't know as much, and I'm fucking being a fucking –

1:35:07 a little bit this whole time He's a sweetheart of a guy too. Does she work out with him or something? You told me you rolled one of these strong shit, right? Yeah, yeah. and Caro beat him. that had a bunch of prescription pill problems. So, you know, that guy. He didn't have health insurance or something, probably. I know that's the case with biceps.

1:37:24 So weird. So a huge part of exercise is knowing when to stop and doing just enough. certain shit that just breaks down, man. And you're not doing sports anymore. I mean, haven't they already replaced, like, femurs and stuff? Our new sponsor, Cricket. I'll try to find it. Something really important. And she grew a trachea and now she has it in her body.

1:40:09 So in the first, you know, in the beginning, it's just like, it's not really. And, you know, I just got to strengthen it. It's really fat. They screw the bone into your, getting circulation to that tissue because you still essentially have no ACL on that side. I know it's an important one. He tested positive for a marijuana metabolite, So the idea of marijuana as a performing,

1:42:52 slapped it on gomi that was a that was a big big victory to him that was like some anger but that Yes, he did. They fought on Fox, and, you know, Kane stood up with him a little bit too long. I think it's December 29th, the big event in Vegas. After he destroyed Brock Lesnar, everybody was like, mostly related electrical engineer yeah super nice guy great guy super cool smart great

1:45:12 And Nate goes, if I let him, yes, he could. That is very hard to recover from. He's got such a good sense of humor. You know those eyes? Just talk him out of it. I'll just bring my cat over here. Yeah, there was no bugs at all. I want to get him on my podcast. He's got to bring it back to himself. But apparently, yeah, they had to chase grizzly bears out of camp.

1:48:06 Fuck. Yes. Yes! Also, you're in a tent and you can't protect yourself. I was literally wearing a sleeping bag. There was problems when you weren't moving. not easy we only had to walk a mile he talked about an elk that they shot where they got up for four days in a row. looking to the left and to the right At the shining eyes in the woods And you used to do a Mike Tyson

1:50:50 Don't worry about it. I saw deception. This is your figure. And the way to do it is to pretend you're trying to advertise your podcast and this is your figure His fucking impressions are ridiculous. scanning equipment Strange. Yeah, man. This election's close. we actually encountered a douchebag at a restaurant that was uh like berating us you know about obama

1:52:56 Because the waitress was real nice. We hadn't bathed in five days. Yeah, two of my boys. That's shocking. You know what's kind of cool? class black people went down to Atlanta because there was the economy was there and stuff You see that more in Atlanta than anywhere. everybody like all these white people just like having said that though the people that did elect

1:55:19 I think I like him because he strikes me as eminently sensible. agree with his foreign policy vis-a-vis iran and other places more than i do with romney it was when we were kids represented I don't know. take over the land like you're that's crazy talk like you know and mccain the way he did it it was I think that's what happens to presidents is they realize,

1:58:31 And the congressional choices coming up this election, they might be more important even than what's going on with the presidency. I think that's kind of the conservative argument. No, no, no. That's the first thing that people think of. You know, or the fact that i can't abortion. No. Well, you're a racist. Yeah, I reject a lot of the Republican platform in that sense

2:00:40 If you want to save lives, with a Judeo-Christian ethic, but I don't go to church. Yeah, but do you have a timeline where somebody who can't feed themselves, even developed with its hands ahead. and continues to do so in more and more of what we would consider fucking equals making people. my other argument for being pro-choice is that you're going to take care of that kid?

2:03:42 You're getting crazy. That can't be good. that Peter Duesberg guy it's like almost untenable. to this equation. The he figures that in. You want to do it with me? I'd like to come and listen to him. All right. What bothers me about a guy like this is very simple, And I watched them die in a very humiliating and a very terrible way. Do you know that AZT is a cancer medication that

2:05:53 They coat it with a Teflon it's diabetes. And in fact, now when you get HIV, a lot of doctors will say, Hey, good news. I believe what Duesberg's point is that the only reason why the HIV wasn't fought off by their immune system was that their immune system was destroyed by the use of drugs. Why? That gene makes you very resistant to the HIV virus, to contracting it through regular sex.

2:08:08 I watched those men walk around. You got anally intruded. I sound like a scientist. And the other thing that I'm going to ask Duisburg is this. And he's the only guy, it seems. How many scientists? So did George Bush. and it's Duesberg on AIDS article in Spin. That's the first fucking thing that comes up. Well, you go to AIDS and how many scientists don't believe HIV causes AIDS and it's Duesberg

2:10:11 buy into it. I think that... Yeah, I mean, there are a lot of crazy smart people out there yeah you know no absolutely but what he says is everyone in the field knows that there's at least did say, if that's what he said. Does HIV really cause AIDS? Remember? I hate to be cynical, but Yeah, he's the only one, right? We will eventually. sometimes you have to not question it so much

2:13:09 you know, you start giving me left-wing solutions an effect on me politically. responsible but you get a lot of jerk offs who go out there and just want to machine gun shit. they've seen wildlife, I wouldn't want to fucking see that. and they were the toughest and throw them over their backs of human nature yeah I didn't want to see a fucking a fucking a defenseless animal

2:15:50 I mean, it's a philosophy. And that's something that no one needs to – I mean, we have to decide. I suppose you'd stop breeding them. that you never bred or used i suppose that is the future. It's going to be a anything else it's going to be you're going to buy a meatball that was grown in some fucking farm You can't compete with that fucking game.

2:17:39 Not at all, right? that's the grape flavor yeah you know what steak's going to be like. 9 or 10 billion people. and all these people that are in these incredibly overpopulated areas, like rice that is as nutritious as a root vegetable Genetically modified foods get such a bad rap, but that's the future. It always has been, though. then people can live on just rice.

2:20:49 Yeah, it's a problem. I just don't think that we're going to... All that. italy when you go to italy and you see the fruits that are grown in manure, the tomatoes, forget it. Really? They got no problem. I will. have to cross this glacial river where uh the runoff from the glacier they had uh they shot the same place what the history area code, toe, walkers, Billings, Montana, couches, slam dunk, hard workouts, workouts andy cozell comedian i want to know who

2:24:09 No, I know you can't. The idea that one of the problems with government is there's no passion fucking get rid of this job, but this is what I need. So that's the other thing. And there was something that I retweeted, It's switching people's votes from Obama to... That's weird. Otherwise, forces will take your freedom away from you. Sure haven't. We didn't?

2:26:56 It's like a super common delicacy. Hey, do you have a fridge? Grab me one, too. I do all the time. Come on, dude. yeah I'm sorry All right. I love that you have, as your influence has grown, you've done nothing but take care of Yes, urine of young boys, preferably those below the age of 10. from boys' toilets. that can make one feel reinvigorated. that these eggs are nourishment for our health

2:30:30 ...from declaring the virgin boy eggs as an intangible cultural heritage. They could have just had a picture of simmering eggs Yeah, I think we've always boiled shit and pissed Balut eggs. When I was 14 years old, back when China was communist, I went to the mainland. went to russia when it was communist there was no bad no advertising so you go and you go why is

2:32:45 Have you been back since? They really like Buicks. That's the other thing, though. there was so much trade. it gets really Chinese looking. If you want to freak yourself out, Everybody says they are the, but a lot of it had to do with how isolated that gene pool was. Is that animals tend to I don't know. The Maasai just broke the fucking half mile record in the Olympics this year.

2:36:39 Dude, I got a shitty. You look at these fucking Samoans with the back of their arms, those big elbows. It's a documentary on this one area of africa buffaloes that they need like seven or eight of them to take on. And they look like CGI lions. What is that? Did you write Weather Buffalo? Water Buffalo versus Lion? Fucking windows. So it's really changing the way they look about how animals adapt.

2:39:36 They can't... What are you doing, Brian? Where can I see that? Eye of the Sparrow. Boom! Did you say Eyes of the Sparrow? I just did the Moore Theater But they enjoy the shit I can't wait What are we watching here? Is this it? This is so fucking funny. I hope this is the one one you know the hot tub is cool now but they poisoned it i know right i know sing me some harmonies

2:42:37 can see that I'm not black. Oh, you didn't? Audio is not doing this justice. You hear me? Well, Matt, shush, because the sofa bears don't know. Go right off. Yeah. The podcast is over, ladies and gentlemen. Support the Death Squad crew with Tom Segura in Ohio, Hire an artist, goddammit. 10 o'clock show. All right. but I know Ari's coming, And Little Esther as well.

2:46:15 No, she can do it. and we'll talk about AIDS, the good AIDS.