Joe Rogan Experience #283 — Dave Attell Transcript

Transcript

0:00 This is my new t-shirt. This is the gas mask chimpanzee higher primate t-shirt. You can't see it Yeah, that's great before sleep too. Now I get it. I would love to. Yeah, we're on top of the ball. And then, then we move. That's Doug. Oh, a drag. I don't mean if you're not. do you ever become funny? Everybody's on their phone all the time. I think that like for me personally, my funny stem from a lot of awkward situations where I was like, how the fuck am I going to get out of this?

3:45 I also, at this point, I feel like I have this massive obligation to continue to put out material. I mean, I used to not believe that when people used to say that, you know, that they do it for their fans. Somebody's listening. more tricky than i am like funny and like i do take a lot of chances, but I don't really... Someone was teaching a comedy class

5:29 That's where my power, my Iron Man fucking thing in my chest. a great uh gig if you do hate yourself because you're alone so much like standing in front of But one of the things that we do different than anybody else Yeah, that's great. Oh, in Brazil, yeah. Well, I eat mostly grass-fed meat. Oh, like if I could go back in time. Well, you can eat alligators.

7:59 Yeah. That's what alligator tastes like They're 200 million years old That killed all the dinosaurs. areas now. These snakes have no natural predators. Snakes do not give a fuck. Oh, shit. If you were out there on that water, it's wide around like a man's waist. There's these people in Florida right now that are working really hard to bring back the crocodile.

10:09 and they're more aggressive and explosive. But in Australia, You go in the ocean, there's the great white. The whole middle kind of sucks. little bit before the show but You gotta doomsday prep. guns and stuff like that. Condom wrappers. You know, the thing about New York though like wave hitting us, weird, You really have to worry about survival because the first responders are excellent.

12:40 just sounds what is it like to walk around a street at night with no lights on at all? No lights. So it was really a freaky show, but it was a good show. It was Walking Dead kind of shit. Oh, wow. That's scary, because they can't get their meds because there's no power. It was like zombie style. It was zombie. It was Walking Dead kind of shit. There was some whatever.

14:10 In New York, it was a little bit better than that. I didn't even think about what it must be like at night with no power. how do you see where you're going? and cabs, by the way, This is what it looks like. He had been there since six in the morning and he still hadn't gotten gas. So you need that gas for the generators, too. the club DJ, the male I watched that Yukon Man show.

16:42 And the water coming down the creek goes through the tubes, So as long as this generator keeps working, and just hanging out after you have sex with her. Exactly. were gone. So they're like, what are we Cuomo? I'm paraphrasing him because it's such a loaded topic. he's toured with me a couple times. Exactly. The second part is just like your Hitler cat

19:57 Why not? you better buy milk and bread. And like no, no, whatchamacallit. The other thing is the cell phone towers were down too. Did you see the video she was posting of her like in the rain with like. yeah she had cell phone service oh it's so rainy outside entire wet t-shirt. And like Jersey, It's a scary scary fucking depressed area. Some people can't evacuate.

22:19 She's doing her own reporting. How wet they are Is always playing video games I love the So it felt like a fake butt. Like, oh my God. I mean, that's what it looked like. No, when we were doing the porn show, you and me, Joe, You were the Hawkeye of the last of the Mohicans of porn, dude. Head Thursday at 11 For some reason very nice she used to come around the comedy store all the time really yeah that's how i knew her

25:51 semi-turging while you were on the screen. The couch is covering the sex organs which is the male star not being able to get wood. Yeah. Right. Like, that's not sexy. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's hard. 80s, Blow back then was but still i mean hey you know i'm sure that blow was a lot better than the shit out there now you And they just chew on the leaves?

28:23 It's very uppy. We were in the desert tripping our balls off and uh i was drinking this tea that it used to have cocaine in it that That's like one of the big things. And this company makes cocaine out of it. In Israel, they're doing that thing now where they're taking out all the fun of the weed just for the medicinal. Or maybe it is a cannabinoid, but it's a non-psychoactive one.

30:53 Oh, yeah, you can eat them. Yeah. That would be so cool for your kids. isn't it? It's like chocolate milk. It's like chocolate milk. Some of them are terrible. the reason why C2O's coconut water is the most delicious It's only like five feet tall. It's, like, very sweet. And I never knew this, and they just split the top off, and it's delicious. That water from a fresh coconut.

33:21 cocaine in the United States. There you go. trying to rest there's no there's no relaxing of laws it's like an acceleration of laws especially Yeah. Like, you live in Colorado, okay? And right now, it's the only medical setup in the country where they allow the growers Well, you're not supposed to be doing that. Colorado doesn't have it like that. To pretend this country is anti-drugs is one of the dumbest fucking things ever.

36:08 and like suffering out there might as well like if this if this takes some of the edge off of that But. they were racked out on that shit. Heroin, very physically addictive, right? There's no fun to it. who did heroin had very specific and then listen to Nirvana. But he was on cool drugs too, Yeah, he was very unusual. You have a butler. He has a castle in the Hamptons.

40:03 It's like if I can do my shitty laundry because I'm on the road so long then i feel good but there's some hotels where But we usually all stay at the same place. And you can just fucking have fun. It's so fun going on tour with friends. He is one of the most underrated comics. Yeah. Boston is like turning out to be, this is the generation of the Boston comics.

42:16 It always amazed me Like if I knew, like Open Mic Night was a Sunday night. They would go up and do sets. I think that they overdid it I don't have to go see it. you know, You know, There was more great comics back then than there were mediocre guys. The thing that always got me about the Boston guys compared to the New York guys, you had an act you had a perspective and then you uh definitely you know came to the scene and it made

45:17 and go from one crowd to another crowd doing seven minutes here and seven minutes there, kind of where I kind of started out. I just recently was there, right? Well, like Governors, which is on Long Island, that's kind of where I kind of started out. Well, Governor's was always really good. There was Rascals East and Rascals Down the Shore. Like we would drive to Rascals to watch the show.

46:58 They're great. I saw her at Gotham, and she fucking rocked out. of the front because of louis you know louis has like put it on the map the alamo of comedy like people come in they just take a picture of the fortunate when that does happen when you get a place where a bunch of great comics like louis something different. think a lot of people are aware of the process right the the creating new material process which

49:36 probably like a year ago. And he was up there love watching like when a guy's like just thinking it out and he doesn't know where it's going to go things evolve and change and as you feel them enjoying the bit it's really hard to for anybody who does never done And sometimes you can go further. But I think the majority of like young audiences who've never failed at

51:40 well, And now, you know, the majority of people are aware, oh, no, that's just a fucked up Incredibly dark. hour like every year and a half yeah you know whatever constantly working yeah it's so important Puts them in there. During that whole New York thing, Broadway, shut down. but then they were like, we've got to do some shows. Oh, that's sick. You have no microphone.

54:36 It was a little... A campfire. but you know, holmes i mean like just like you know you forget that like in the 80s like there's a crossover That'll be later in the season. They're hot. It's just crazy. They're probably tired of dick by now. Like, her scene's never boring. Oh, that's right. made like millions and millions of porns there's no way anybody has jerked off to all the porn

58:00 and I love his stuff. She's just already there and ready to go, and we were like whoa this is amazing you know big hairy box back then yeah but we both you said that The upper legs. Exactly. Yeah, you've got to bleach that. She has longer hair on her legs than my chest what wow how did back then no no not at all i wonder when that started, the shaving of the legs.

1:00:53 It's a weird thing. It's a lot of work. Hard loads. Undeniable impulse nice feel? Well, if you're courteous, blow on soup and it actually cools it off? But he's right. Dude, that's totally true. I used to go all the time. They had a fire there Oh, the place across the street from the store? who wanted to make some coin. Somebody told me you liked that club, and then you said the next day after going to it, it burned down.

1:03:44 And it was only when someone's in town. I used to have a bit about it. Well, that's why I want to go to Thailand at some point. where you lay down and they put soap all over you And you pick out loads. It's still going on. 24 hours. is a 16 i think yeah i've never done that flight man i gotta do that at some point i've never done where I went 11 hours from Brazil to Miami

1:06:00 other people's fucking diseased coffee breath And flying just stinks. However, you are in a tube where there's no fresh air and you are recycling everyone's breath. and it doesn't really have anywhere to go. It's like farting in your face. It's a part of our job to be on planes on a regular basis. I've done like a lot of that. I did a lot of main gigs with a lot of Boston guys.

1:08:08 PC and all that kind of stuff. Everybody's so PC. You feel like you're the last you know, Yeah. The Highwayman. at home I'm like yeah the good thing about comedy getting funnier and just getting out there At the end of the day, for your stand-up. Yeah, no not the best thing for your stand-up. I felt less funny, first of all, because I had to work long hours.

1:10:35 ultimately the real money is in stand-up i mean the real happy money because you're you're doing And I'm like, you know, I'd rather be able to say what I want to say, when I want to say it, where I'm a dick. I don't know. It's just We were, I think a lot of comics, Why when you can do a television show? He does his stand-up. in in their head Okay, that's true.

1:13:45 they're always like, stand-up the whole way through, Really? too. I did two of Kevin's movies. Okay. bums me out Eastside? Well, Eastside and Governors and he with him on Long Island, and he always knew who he was. Eastside? They don't want to offend anybody, but it's still, like, Ray's comedy is still really Oh, wow. And he's a great guy. Yeah, this is my idea.

1:16:22 It's a two-dimensional show. And it's really weird for the dudes in porn, porn but I did the best I could. It's pretty ridiculous the size a little positivity there, like Ron Jeremy, How Ginger Lynn was very proud of the fact that John Holmes always got it up with her. She was very, very proud of that. She was doing some art. I'm definitely getting him on it.

1:19:17 He was the one who banged Jenna Jameson, porn because there was no there was no real 70s porn i mean it was so rare it was like you know Yeah, it was a movie. You had a great first porn story. or anything. It was like animated series awesome everybody's first porn i mean uh i remember finding porn in the woods like We'd go out in the woods, me and my friends, we'd find like snapping turtles and shit,

1:21:46 It went from that. The dude would lay his dick on her like a drowning victim. girl who's like pretending to be in total moaning ecstasy spreading her pussy apart and the dude It gets you started. I remember that feeling that you'd get when you found a Hustler. This is crazy. uh joanna who's like a you know super hot punk chick, tatted up, really cool,

1:23:53 like whatever that is you know they don't i max it or something they don't remake porn do they What looks good and what feels good Brian's leaving. He's done. He's got to go jerk off. They all want to be actors, I think. that they're going to make it in show business, like what happened to that guy what happened to this chick you know like where are they you know

1:26:17 you'd feel sad. like where it keeps going and going and going and people would be like you know come and see me live though if you have because it's their dream it's their and mine wasn't canceled it was just like It was on Comedy Central. It was really cool. having to do radio and all that kind of stuff. but then there's also like, you know, they want jokes.

1:28:50 know the football game and shit like that i don't like it you know there's not that many really good who I called Johnny Blaze last time, Johnny Dare. that really Howard Stern invented. That's not that common anymore. Like that's slowly being So there's probably a lot of cool dudes who now have to kind of suck the man's dick to keep the show on the air, and it sucks.

1:30:52 show well we we need a girl we need a sidekick the the number show uh women don't feel represented them yeah you know and like they definitely have a point of view or perspective and there's like and as just cool dudes, Nick was already in it a couple of years, I think, Like, you know, I thought you had to, you know, be, like, awkward or strange. True anger.

1:33:11 like Big Jay, Kurt Metzger. there was a gig in nyack way back in the day i wonder if it's the same gig but levity live is It was the biggest club that I've ever done. That's a hardcore town. on the air before, I don't think, but we came and it was so strange Oh. country the improv in dc yeah irvine and dc are probably the the last two really great ones brea

1:35:58 They didn't connect with you? because this is not happening. You and I were just talking. I want to like get in front of your crowd. I believe you would. So just tell me where you're going to be The Comedy Madhouse. So I'll be doing that shit. Brian Callen sold out Philly I had two Columbus sold-out shows. Speaking for the other comics, we appreciate what you do,

1:37:58 Well, it's worth doing. That's how the audience feels too so when we find something that's good we we promote the shit out of it well now that i've been doing it over 26 years i've never appreciated more the It was really cool to hear you guys They just wouldn't know that you're going to be somewhere trying to get a crystal ball no airport security and they they took it from them and you're like

1:40:16 Most likely a gas leak. on his chest what it looks like look at that You can't even wrap your head around how big the explosion was. Dude, they're splinters. It's amazing that that shit doesn't happen on a regular basis. My house? Because with gas, you always think, oh, they always tell you you're dizzy, You didn't smell gas? Which part am I in? Okay, so then this is just my neuro something about to be.

1:43:11 wants to be on on the park i never never got that whole idea i like you know like i like being in a No, this has been the last two years where they That's so strange where they've just decided, like, look, you can't park. It's not like a limo. You're constantly interacting with all these other people like in close proximity and cabs well that's why i like going to minneapolis because it's like

1:44:52 Wow. Stop picking up the urban kids. just sneak around and give people rides we got that in england a guy gave us a ride it wasn't Oh, really? and you like negotiate with them I think they can get in trouble all be out of work soon. Now they have to go outside of L.A. County to do porn. So all you're going to find or something like that. what it is, what we're talking about.

1:47:26 Wow. Do a webcam show. So yeah. the thing about making porn now is like, But, like, you know, instead of working a whole week, you're going to make that much money. would be no internet without porn you know that well it's an interesting thing the way it happened Because I used to have a lot of porn producers. So there's probably a lot of guys who have money, but they want to show it off.

1:49:48 i really should save some money but at least the girls are still getting some money right the guys And that a lot of these titles, it's a very gray area in terms of who owns what, who can show what. to come out and show everybody that they're funny And at the AVNs, when I meet the people, they go, oh, I love the show. many fucking people if you look at the numbers the amount of people that are involved uh in

1:52:16 cars we do we can't lose chevy jobs and so they went in to save chevy but or gm but they didn't I don't even know how they do it. Besides porn. I think it helps us. Brian? No, no, no, Yeah. I got my money on. And pee in gloves. So let me know anytime you're anywhere. I'll be here through the whole whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a crazy week coming up.

1:54:59 Robo-pocalypse is... on how long until we start incorporating robotics technology into our own bodies. He's a very cool motherfucker Follow him on Twitter. Attell, A-T-T-E-L-L on Twitter. Thanks to Dave Attell, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on Twitter. Send him some love, ladies and gentlemen. It was fucking really fun. Some badass phones there.

1:57:06 I got a lot of shit going on. Bitches, we will take that 10% and donate This is the monkey gas mask chimp. that were based on posters for a Chicago gig It's humbling. You are not the person you were yesterday.