Joe Rogan Experience #295 — Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan experience. You with me, brother? You guys have totally fixed that. You get along and it's like a weird situation. You would think one of you guys would suck. Because here's why. And now he's playing college basketball? Hold on. used to be a man let's call her a woman she is six foot six whoa wow she's not it's like a giant man That shit's not fair. So it's not fair? You think

4:01 a sex change and I'm saying outside but when I look at your hands, even if you've had surgery and everything, So if you take that to sports, that's where it all counts. He was still fighting men. If you're playing against a little girl, that's just stupid. Well, I don't want to say that anybody would be lucky to be crippled. These are springs. It's like, literally, you don't have one.

6:30 Thank God. i don't know i forget where he was from i think he was but he um it was cool to see him in the Oh, yeah, that's right. I forget. You know, though, I mean, if you go through the trouble of cutting your peener off and doing all that, that one is crazy okay that shit is bananas what school is he is this uh let me see here um The problem is once you start having competitive athletics.

9:00 sort of shrivels up a little bit and you lose muscle mass sure it's still a goddamn man yeah Don't they have the same athletic standards in the Marine Corps? Oh, yeah. Amazing. tire her name is cyborg and she's built like she's built like a strong dude. Like, Brian, can you pull up a picture? You know, beautiful, smart, tough chick. So then she got caught.

11:09 while she's celebrating in the cage. You see her, Brian? Anyway. angry fucking yeah but at the same time you're like like, oh, I just want to protect her. And she was married to the other dude, Cyborg Evangelista. Did you, by the way, did you get, I told you I got to see a little bit of the fights this weekend when I was in the hotel. I thought Brown almost had him.

13:27 I don't remember when exactly it happened. He was like, hey, Joe. So like for people that set their DVRs, like they didn't even get the fight. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. or even like a cable thing because that's like hard out and ends for other shows that you can't Talk about misunderstanding. Don't they have something to protect their means?

16:30 They're so horrible. Really hard. Thank God. They can rupture. I don't know. Oh, my God. I want you to suffer. With heels, yeah. Yeah, so hard. I don't think. You don't think they want it, but they do it. oh, wow, there's a pleasure I don't think you're allowed to show this. You ever listen to Dan Savage? your sexual needs with. I don't know. There you go.

20:20 Holy shit, that's got to hurt. them. And I ask for a little more. I could give him a little My dad's balls were huge. Knock it off. Yeah, that's why chimps have the biggest balls. They're DTF. They do everything except mother and son. Maybe, but the problem with that is they're fucking all day. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Right. now I heard somewhere We all have to take care of it.

24:01 that it's likely that we had these polygamous groups of people that like did Sounds like a fun time. and and you know studying the cosmos like a lot of those cultures that really got heavily into They also took this. and why this was created and that was created. Well, when you see what they built, that they had spots. They showed you they were on this table.

27:20 But the number they believe is 80,000. what a dick And I've had people go, fuck it did. He didn't believe it either. He's like, there's no way. I'm like, I'm telling you. Very well-read guy. And I told him about it. That's huge. It's the Rose Bowl. What a crazy motherfucker. Yeah. That's nuts. What a crazy motherfucker. a lot of the interesting things about those cultures, a lot of the interesting discoveries.

29:49 interesting to see these guys these scholars trying to figure out what the Like, well, we think that they would pour water down here. they automatically try to go, they show this one um one of these giant fucking big stone pillars they were carving out of this one giant piece of granite, like it was a real painstaking process and they figured out how to get things under it and leverage it and move it somehow.

32:28 It's such a problem. Of course, a smart person is going to gravitate towards the scientific and more likely explanation for almost everything. certain songs why has it changed the way my body feels you know what does it feel like to to kiss yet. But who knows, man? And then when they take it, they talk about how they finally can see life. certain things like serotonin and dopamine,

34:39 Well, that's one of the things I always felt. Right. Big heads. Oh, right. Things that are going on in the Middle East. I can't even hear that. People take things out of context that he said Motherfucker learns from English. about that unless you really go and look and if he talked english we would know oh yeah motherfucker learn some english yeah it's very true right now iranians and fucking listen to this podcast

37:35 And like the person said it, you know, like that. Right. You're thinking while you're talking. And I'm saying that's also what leads to misunderstandings, lead to argument, Wow. it, but this is apparently something either they're working on and it's going to be released As I do in a different context. Like when he speaks Hungarian, I still don't really understand

40:04 Wow. So you can call someone That's incredible. No, you don't know shit. And it said like where it says recommends to you. is it going to go to taiwan like what am i doing you were thinking about going to taiwan i was But don't they put you in prison just for smoking pot there? What's a soapy? It's just really hard to get people to leave the country.

42:13 We're not the world champs. I love to boogie. I love to go ride. Who sang that song? I love the nightlife I love to boogie He said Frankfurt is great Oh, yeah. My favorite was specs appeal. I'll try to go back to reading now. No, no. You know, like they cut themselves. to really jolt themselves and feel it. Yeah. that horse fucked him to death yeah the craziest I remember that. The craziest thing, too, about the horse fucking and being into that is the horse dick is second to the horse thrust.

45:53 a hundred miles yeah horses just eat grass and they're yoked yeah it's crazy diet right they're Like there's no animal You're like I don't fuck with horses. that animals they strain things they break legs they twist ankles yeah shit goes wrong if shit's Fuck that. I think they're beautiful I'm totally down with that, It is. It doesn't want to do that bullshit.

48:16 Why am I jumping this, man? We should have a jumping contest. Are you wanting to do? I could probably jump decent. and the people that i've seen to do it wasn't through like by train every day but it was just I think so. name. I should Google it. that just unbelievable physical specimen Bo Jackson Christ and he played there's footage of this, Bo Jackson

51:07 like he was breaking a candy bar. Apparently he was always able to do freaky shit. I saw a guy do that who was smaller than me, shorter than me, you know? That's crazy. If you want to see, like, that's incredible. But he goes to like – he goes to like fifth gear before they get to first. And if you watch his highlights, the thing about him is that he hits.

53:23 And you see the other guys. And the variables inside of weight classes, those are also pretty extreme. And they were out of the box like that. A crackhead? Yes. If LeBron James was in MMA, Well, you know, in high school, 6'8", 270. You didn't know? What about ladies golf? What's that? There's definitely- I don't know who watches ladies golf. Fuck man.

56:32 Castro and such. Yeah. I was coming down Doheny into each other's belt loops and they were have their hands, their fingers looped into each other's belt loops. Oh, they were happy as fuck. Rim job Tuesdays. You're like, there's nothing going on. Yeah, you see him, you're like, that guy's going all out tonight. Sure. Yeah. scally caps on Oh my God. Sure.

1:00:19 On earth. And he had these little designer-like, Ugh. It would eat its way through the cement. I went to college there. We don't need to find a mattress or a bed or an alleyway. I like to limit it to fairs. Yes. It wasn't like gym smell strong. It was definitely a, I haven't showered in like it's been a while maybe it's to ward off the smell of Some guys are just into other crazy big gay guys.

1:04:05 like just 20 years old a little confused like that's you know a well-known comic who likes that But now I heard that the word twink is becoming taboo. Well, here's what happened. Yes. It is weird. spokesman. They're like, you realize that none Sodomy! Hey, that's a good point. That's right. some sort of lesbian elves. They have those Fred Flintstone-looking

1:07:08 Yeah yeah For me maybe Yeah That's true. It is true. to Marquez. this thing with him And so Manny Pacquiao, And Tosh is looking at me You know, and even then, Manny Pacquiao just sort of popped. So that made me sad. But that's the game he's like the nicest guy in the world so that made me sad but that's He was lights out on the way down. Sergio Martinez has got a

1:10:09 Or maybe not down even since 98. But somebody had stopped him earlier in his career. is you're seeing a guy who's already had – before this fight, It might be ten. his head has taken because you're only seeing one fight. But with a guy like Pacquiao, it's super hard for those guys to just go out on top. He's the most cautious stylistically, Yeah. he's really unchallenged.

1:12:42 what he did to Martinez and He recovers well. around, like playing with people That upcoming kid? Or he might be 35. There's some fucking killers out there. The best boxers are great at leading guys into certain directions and anticipating how they respond. and he's going to stop, bang, and he's going to catch you kind of gets a sense of how he operates, how he moves,

1:15:34 I mean it's amazing. Over and over again And that was when Hatton was in his prime Money Team all the way, man. Cat Williams hit somebody in the head with a microphone or something? Jesus Christ. He was a former champion himself. He goes, what the fuck about Miguel Cotto? look goofy he makes everybody look they they look like they just don't really know what he's doing

1:18:24 Mayweather is gonna fight Pacqu if I found out Floyd Mayweather when he's fighting, you know, but how famous That's awesome. take your headphones off. There's 20,000 people in Rio He did it like some fucking kung fu movie dude who just got bolted with some secret lightning power. Blasted him with a knee to the body. Put your back up against the wall.

1:20:32 He's freaky. that's all well and good anderson silver would have fucked up joe lewis yeah okay yeah and listen If it's like one of Jean-Claude Van Damme's, like one of his signature movies. I didn't even know. He's awesome in a totally different way This one was actually good I like that. And he has a reality show, and he plays, I guess, I've only seen the videos on the internet,

1:22:48 And it's like so crazy and over the top. But the problem is he's been doing this for like four years. It's still going on. that might be it Get over here and give me a hug. like there's no way like these are real people they're not you know they're not actors but like Yuppie girls that don't eat frog legs. Okay? It's really freaky to think there's that many goddamn alligators out there.

1:25:37 Jesus Christ. they were protected. and we used to feed the alligators marshmallows. But I guess they would feed them or something. But I mean, I'm sure there's statistics on it. Yeah, I think you got to be fucking with them. But I don't think they like human flesh. They just haven't. But I think that the only reason why they don't do it a real problem.

1:28:03 this one giant crocodile Yeah, yeah. What movie is it? I remember. Yeah. Is that right? one night on lake placid okay so it's just a okay it's just a rumor okay but the mood what so the Don't send me your tweets or your emails about how I'm wrong. I think. 30-foot-long man-eating crocodile, which terrorizes the fictitional location of Black Lake, Maine.

1:30:16 So I wasn't that far off when I said Canada, right? There you go. Yes. So strong. anything that goes dinosaur jaws clamp down on wildebeests and drag them underwater. Is it any coincidence that's the place where there's the most gazelles? And you're like, huh. And then the water's all fucking murky and shit. You're like, oh, shit. to hold it still the crocodile's neck

1:33:29 to do so he was just screaming cut the shirt cut the shirt cut the fuck out and like you know and he just started death rolling oh wow so that it got the pole in the pole got Real talk. Have you heard that? Some Colombian. Not those guys. It was on his boat. That was the douchiest era to have a pet tiger. after they're 10 feet long. I just get a new one

1:36:25 Yeah, I got a puma that I keep there for inspiration. They made me do more squats. I think it was either Brooklyn or the Bronx, but he got mauled by a tiger that he had as It's an old one. I talk about another guy. He killed himself, right? And then he had lions and shit Yeah, right? if that was the case i think that that would at least be like a rewarding life for these cats

1:38:54 jolting their brain like Okay? Someone's killing an animal. and then you're sliding under the track. Well, you know, that's what they do in Asia. and they have the dump truck with a couple of fucking goats in it, And they get real close to it. I feel like the only reason we don't get that is because of some type of animal rights organizations I don't like my cubicle.

1:41:27 But I guess they do with lions too. Good luck with that. And the thing's going to drop out. That is awesome. He needs to be monitored. But this does seem more humane, oddly, when you're feeding these wild animals. Yeah. For your flesh. jesus check this out it's a big ow look at this boom oh. Oh, my God. He broke the neck and killed it. I've seen it like with the goat ones, the most fucked up one because they just tear them apart and run away with the pieces.

1:45:19 Yeah, and you guys walk. A cow! Big ass cow. And they drown you, too. Because what you want to do is you want to get killed by a predator. of filmmaking it's what brought us together is it really it's kind of our love story tell me tell me It wasn't in like the major release theaters. he's dead yeah I agree and I thought Apparently he was a bit of an angry fellow.

1:48:50 Okay, I worked it out. And so he's walking, holding up the camera, going, well, if I was gay, I could just go to a rest stop and meet a guy. He misread the fucking newsletter and went after real bears instead of big guys like me. Wasn't the fox called like Foxy? A bear was approaching him, and he was like, It took him seven minutes and the bear was like,

1:50:56 It was hungry. He saw clothes, saw a tent, saw a camp. I mean, they might have processed the bears' guts once they killed them. That is crazy living man It used to be the great western inland sea And there's, it would be your land. I mean, They all bailed. Even just the temperature. It's just a bunch of things out there eating other things. of the hill like there's people living right at the moors or whatever on the other side

1:54:55 Well, first of all, the real guy is Les Stroud. military guy now we can use this for food like they put that thing there I'll listen to that. Meanwhile, everybody found out they fake things and nobody wants to watch it now. I love that shit, though. But he did a lot of shit that was like you would never do like really dangerous risky shit like jumping off of things like why?

1:56:50 You're not preserving your life. Oh, for sure. First of all, because you bullshit you'd have to deal with? Yeah. Oh, for sure. We're going to get your show going. So next thing you know, you guys are in marriage counseling. I'd love to make that show if you're proposing. No way. really represent what the fuck you're thinking yeah totally it's you don't you don't lose the

1:58:34 is so... That's a total Duncan experience. and Bert is, you know, And it's the fucking funniest thing. fucking hour you don't need to go through Comedy Central. If you want to talk about this is that Yeah. And there's no way you're going to accumulate all that crap on your own. And then they go, wow, I like the way Tommy thinks. But in this day and age, before podcasting, it was really hard to get your name out there.

2:01:11 And podcasting too. You know? and connect with them? Absolutely. know who I am and I recognize them and I see that we have this wonderful connection and to talk to the people Alex Jones came back, and he might, may or may not, have gotten high. Yeah, it's crazy. This is like a real comedy network. Before, that would take a fucking pen and a pad and a letter.

2:04:01 It seems like in the past, celebrities had to have two lives. I mean, obviously, there's drawbacks to that as well. Yeah. Ooh, ooh. There would be chapters. And sending in emails. If I had access to that when I was 17, anonymous access, you'd all be seeing my dick. photoshop remember the real dolls Like someone's being like real subtle. So high and so tight. And they raised them up just enough to make it just questionable. It's perfect. at it and you're like those jeans are really high you're not sure i remember yeah and they

2:06:51 That's not real. And he had experts examine them I like him even more. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck, man? Just like he's beating so many dudes' asses, he wanted to beat his ass? and then they like Treat me like a baby. that they're just a part That's the crazy thing is knowing that, like, dude. It's mind boggling. If they only had battle ropes. Christ.

2:09:36 Yes. I'm going to go corn-fed Iowa woman in the airport that looks like Sam Kinison, fat lady. compared to almost every other organism on the planet. No, more like a roast. I think the black guys are pretty naturally muscular, so I take one that's kind of fat, It's probably more nutritious. They say that like pineapple flavors your loads You know, with bears

2:11:28 And their fat. Their fat has I just know Joe's type is either brazilian or Something along the lines. He did a bad thing. Well, she probably did And after his release, he became a minor celebrity in Japan, making a living through public interest in his crime. Yeah. For two days, Sagawa ate various parts of her body. Thank you. Sam Kinison-like by the French police

2:14:19 for his defense How long did he... They extradited him to Japan, and when they let him in Japan, Japan just let him go. because the French government refused to release the documents. That's like if Ted Bundy was doing talk shows. That culture is But wasn't it like They just got hit again with another earthquake. I really want to take a trip one day.

2:17:05 such a modern city too it's really interesting like they're they're buildings and i love their you can follow her at I have the CDs of both of these. People that tell me they went to your shows. It's really awesome. All right. Get 50 bucks off some groovy shit. It's good. And we will see you tomorrow. And Sunday, Dennis McKenna, the brother of Terrence McKenna, will regale us with stories of psychedelic adventures.

2:19:31 It's the most incredible group of people All right, so we'll see you soon.