Joe Rogan Experience #3 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 BAM! I don't wanna look at the chat. These faggots. So I should close out of this, See? You said a peace pipe. the best pipe. R, you get headaches, is that what you get? Alright. Yeah. and it's completely cool. And it did. It gives me anxiety. And I had surgery. He gets paranoid when he smokes the weed. This one's fucking us up. there so we can lounge and do this properly

4:31 There's no way you're going to fix it. Remember when 33.6 came out? You gotta align, you gotta tell people, hey, I'm online. If the TV's down, then your phone's down. Showering the whole time. You just find someone you want to fuck. when you didn't have a language and couldn't say hey fucking stop and you couldn't fight someone is she i don't know here's the thing about comas haven't you ever seen like one of those interviews

7:30 I just bring a laptop over here We're going to do this every week. needs to be a fucking green screen yeah i just have the world space behind now like that roller As if we had two mirrors looking into each other where they look infinitely. And it's this company that does special effects so that you could pretty much, know that's what's gonna happen eventually when they figure out how to

9:33 Yeah, man. It's all staticky. It's not like a good movie, like really great writing. No, he either has it yet or not. didn't want to tell you about it because I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to he's probably seen it he's already seen everything he always gets that there's something sometimes we also had That was terrible. I couldn't get high enough to watch that movie.

12:15 It was like being in jail. It was terrible. One of the second ones, I think, was when the dragon was coming after him. But when he's fucking shit up, man, it's worth it. The last Wolverine was terrible. and he's walking away, and he lights the gasoline, I'm a badass you know that you got to come up with a new way to be the new badass isn't like Yeah.

14:02 I still want to see it. never the cigarette about this before Because it seems like there's so many movies you're into and then you're like, oh, what? You should It's probably A whole bunch of people But the more you have to do that The the more it takes you out of the movie. It was like, this is how clunky some of the acting was. They had Zombieland. It was pretty good. The chicks that are lying at the end, it was almost

15:51 what that whole movie let me tell you about Yeah, there had to be. We've got Hugh Grant and we've got Sarah Jessica Parker. We want to keep a little low projects going stars. that got arrested He kind of came back after that. Yeah, if you've got projects in the works... Let's talk shit At the comedy store You know I called you that night before it happened.

18:05 and told us. I thought you said Brent. We were like, what? That's normal for us. I can change. there a lot of seeing everything out of penis at the comedy store seems like that was on stage She was terrible. The comedy store kind of kept those people around. through their jokes. Clear that fucking room. Jilly Diaz is behind her. So Joey goes back there, takes all his fucking clothes off,

21:10 And the comedian that's on stage is like, oh, cool, the comics are watching me. you know, what does that like? but it's like one out of five. where you could just It's like you have to do some seven-minute sets to get ready. There's not enough time. get used to what you can get away with cuz you can't really dig a hole. And you really know Yeah. Yeah.

23:25 He's just fucking around. If they know it's all bullshit. eating it right away. I'm going to do I did my comedy special and you can see it without having to drive across the country to where... You didn't feel and hear the same things you heard. that's a huge point right there the connection because it is a by, by watching them on TV, maybe, a tape of some guy

25:12 I saw this a roll at her You don't know what's going to happen. And what you're doing with a video but there's a moment understand that. Put in the work, write a lot, perform a lot, do it with the right state of mind do it the right? And then he hiccups because he realized this might be the best set of all time. Yeah, we were like, what? I just fumbled, dropped the glass, and didn't even address it.

27:39 What a great choice. up and do 10 minutes like in Boston they developed a whole network of those. There were shows everywhere. They had How many people in Boston? I don't know there's a few million, but it was crazy man. There was stitches developed all these comics. I mean, Yeah, he, you know, I think he got a television show and things started happening for him.

29:50 Yeah, you got so many people asking you shit. Let me tell you something how this shit works, okay? Let's do it. Verizon sucks up here. It's actually, what it does is it uses your he's saying Red Band hit him already. So many angry people that hang out in the UFC community. Yeah, but there's a lot of UFC people that I've noticed that have come on to your

32:00 That's the beautiful thing. And we have a special room that's just for everyone in it has been deemed a retard. the original creepy you got to fuck it wasn't about cool I'm cool look here's a naked woman I'm cool it became like but my website fucking pictures is that also the people creepy people. to strip clubs when She's very nice. and then they're proud

34:04 Bella said she's done with porn. She's tired of baseball bats off the pooper, huh? just not that's not safe for life. That's ridiculous. That bitch goes deep. It is. Who's the this is a story behind this thing behind us we had like boxes attached and in the bit we had this tranny and she was really stupid. But the whole reason for the bit was so that we could use this tranny.

36:41 So I'm like, hey, what's up? How you doing? many female hormones that her dick is like like a dick that's been poisoned it was like a a monkey that got shot network television that's that how dumb their arguments. It's like everybody wants to change something. Stiff to me sounds even more like pokey could the word hard be more offensive than the word stiff? That doesn't even make any sense. Stiff to me sounds like even

38:40 But that's how dumb the arguments are, man. Your internet. Shit is... So if he gets to see this, No, no. I don't know what you're saying No. Don't make that up. No one heard overdosing? And then it's overblown. Did you hear about Tiger Woods? Oh. This year? That he was celebrating... I could see in the past. Who's out there? He'll get different endorse you know the exam is gonna sponsor who's winning these tournaments

43:00 like all-star like all-conference you know I think I go to a I think I go to a is the saying scratch off a fucking, you know, You fight three fights a year because she'd be very vulnerable Do I have to rape her? But she doesn't really like grab your dick. I think I'd still go for it. I would be go for it? I think I'd still go for it. Yeah. there's a point

45:13 as a one step down certain smell, Those dolls. Those real dolls. I mean, how could that possibly be good? I think it's the same thing. True, but it's a thing. and as you're closing your eyes and doing this, if you can feel something that feels good and as you're like closing your eyes and doing like this jerking off to feel like shit thing you're doing

47:17 Talking, taking them to dinner is awkward though. Oh, that's great. them on a date. And so then The Bachelor whatever the batch I was right after the matches that ABC ABC because it's a game. It's so bad. It's just like, let's see how much more we can let people I mean I don't know. That's a good question. Those weak motherfuckers, they got the weakest, dumbest.

50:00 That's not real? Yeah, you're just like, that's a fake alien. No. Would this really happen? Do the look at it like, all right, is that real? No. Cheaters get even Are you? This is like when we were watching Two Girls, One Cup, Just can't do it right now. We're going to do I wasn't really Hey, yeah, hold the camera, don't help him out. He's just been stabbed.

53:01 he's going to ham it up. If I had a guess. Dude, I told you. Go to the Inside Edition website. not doing anything yeah this ain't shit okay investigates cheaters is it all a hoax Those are real people. It's obvious. Let that load up and I'll say what she has to say. All right, so it's not real at all, says Carrie Wyatt, who tells Inside Edition she was paid $500 to appear in an episode of Cheaters.

56:24 Inside Edition, your website Inside Edition is the worst website You have to use their stupid thing, and you have to figure it out. And rewatch it sometime. is he talking about? Dude, Kim Trails. Yeah, I guess. Something like that. Those are like news know. He killed a bunch of, like, really high-level guys, right? Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I can't... I don't like the feeling.

58:35 Yeah, I don't feel like tripping. he's the suicide bomber for the CIA they sent him I don't know. operatives in Afghan Afghanistan last week was a Jordanian double agent who Jordanian good guys yeah but how the fuck well supposedly you know how the and just does Brian's got a new kitty cat. Oh, you know what? and then she showed me it Yeah. there's something going on

1:01:46 Wow. Well, that doesn't matter. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Joey Kikenstein. Joey Kikenstein. you know what? I don't know. which is her fucking name itself. Talk about circuitous arguing. I watched a documentary last night you run the risk of... these ancient alien videos where they talk about these ancient structures and what technology put these together?

1:04:17 i would i would think that jeff sussman management would be aware of my podcasting from 3 to 5 on Ustream today. It started at 3.30. A very nice lady. What's up, Brian? Yeah. is enough to get the LA sheriff don't close There was a dude that was in Eddie's school You never know. Oh, you've got to register. They'll have someone to look up to that's more peaceful and has their shit together more, can speak better, and is black, and has been through a rough childhood and everything.

1:06:58 30,000. It's way past the year. And it's like now, it's like once you start bullying Yeah. Like, maybe they were wrongly accused before, but it's like... Yeah. You know, could you imagine how lucky you are the constant stress and shaking. the Marijuana Control, no, it's like, what, how it's being, it wouldn't be much different. there's always going to be

1:09:44 they're trying to legalize it. They're not talking about medical marijuana. Good. oh no nevermind the problem is if you have somebody that's going to want to, And just get started at the same time. up to six co-hosts you could join them like mayhem Right. this yeah there was nothing there was no Twitter there's no the webcam shows were Well, this chick would do real porns.

1:12:59 But other than that, it was just them living their life 24 hours a day. I don't know, but Google Cash is wonders. Yeah. one the one where it just tracks where you are throughout the whole day so you can look at it Right. You know what's really cute though? We really pay our employees well. What if they sat down We think things are going to... And we were just like, fuck you, Mr. G's.

1:16:08 How many hits does Ask Jeeves get a day? I remember realizing that I didn't have to get online I have to write all that shit into a program Yeah. Poor Laserdisc. really good movies visual quality But it's better than DVD, image-wise? Anything in movies in HD now, A lot of people I know We're going to have fucking masks That's the greatest fucking radio show in the history of the universe, man.

1:18:48 and the first link whoever you are out there They had no wheat. If you keep food out, it lasts longer in everything but maybe You know, if you say maybe the government, you know, really arranged that building to everybody's they're not even saying it it's like fucking do you believe that But the idea that this many people had to be together Oh, that's what it was, an alarm.

1:20:55 This is a funny hug. Do you like it? My girlfriend put it on there. I appreciate it because she actually knows how to play her instruments and she doesn't lip sync. Very interesting how people bite into that. He did a montage to it later, too. It's so great. that. That's where you put that on TV? They're just unstoppable. They're branding themselves as this thing.

1:23:13 those both films favorite movies ever that are the same size as them like just close up shots. You're like, the whole thing, Before that was probably Hilarious. they peed peas otherwise it was and never stopped crying laughing South Park movie People were waiting How do you do a musical They all look different. Okay, that's the head. No, that's crazy.

1:25:25 He's all white. On Fruity Pebbles doesn't have it? Right? with the fact You were into it. I would totally think she was hot. Yeah, I'd love it. Yeah. who do you think is better in bed, Oprah or Hillary Clinton? Hillary Clinton. More of a lesbian? I bet if you Google Oprah Winfrey gay. Maybe she's so powerful just want to dominate she just holds her hair

1:27:57 Oprah's you couldn't spend that she just keeps coming out I still remember that this guy if you're an 18 year old when new people leave. Oh, it does scroll. is that what it is that's weird I don't know Yeah. Yeah, it was the question. And it came out, just like Tiger Woods is coming out that he's a freak and he's married with children, Will you accept? Yep. You can't give them that much. You'd have to give paid $125,000 a month will you accept

1:30:31 you have to get more than that to be on call at all times no but you can't really hold enough away Alright, start at 50. Next year, he's like, upcoming, not letting him leave. And Hector doesn't mind. Hector sucked dick all the way from Guatemala to get here on a banana boat. So the competition of being a male whore. Why would they not have that? their friend is gay,

1:32:34 I got you a fucking whore for my friends. Go in that room. It's like, yes! He's not gay. Yeah. never got into it? Did you try to fix it? on Ustream? Yes, Duncan Trussell is awesome. He's technically a comic. these videos even though it doesn't seem like it takes a lot of time it takes a We got Cottonmouth. What are the new videos coming up, Brian? specifically for that town.

1:36:13 Austin. It's kind of centered around that to like one-nighters like D.C. No, Ice House, probably the next one. I fucking love Texas. But I'm like, fuck, man. They got something that we don't have here in California. Everybody's upset. Everybody wants to fight. Boston is cold as I'm all sexy and hairy and shit. Does anyone do that? Right? ginger sasquatch who is red band what does he do Red Band is the guy

1:39:32 you really need and for And he just makes these cool-ass videos. You can make a joke not funny. but then if I pick a song kind of shit. I know. the other one it's all that when he put in He's doing it on purpose. about like Scorsese. Those were all the same guys. and then you make your own music a guy gets through 100 000 people on ecstasy and this guy is jamming this guy

1:42:53 appearances yeah yeah they're good man I never got one of those. but they produce music don't see it as well if you go download some of their music, they take some really good songs, That's an interesting little fine line there kick Paris seven eight Delete this message from the list. You have to do it. was suck everybody's cock Why are you so rude?

1:45:35 How high did you get in Vegas? two hits we were blitzkrieg These are like when lollipops first came out. So I took a second one. Yes, we took two of them and then and joe's like well here's hang out with what I was talking about 10 seconds ago. There were so many aggro douchebags on that show. Holy shit, I'm on TV. They would start shit with me. No, we were talking about Saturday night.

1:48:48 I'm going to do it a while later. That's not a big fix. I wonder if that's the real John Copenhaver. The yellow and the green? Yes. Oh, because of the Playboy night? that show their pussy all the time? Right, that'd be awesome. Yeah, but what if a chick's like, What happened? she killed it. I did that K-Rock thing with her last year. Yeah, he's hilarious.

1:51:24 You know uh his stuff they can't fucking read it at least when you go to actual twitter it doesn't do that I did it once. And I could feel that reality here and the other melted and tore off and then I went down a I don't think so. It's a fake one too or you could have a regular coke if you don't give a fuck but no there was no no the contestants There's something on there.

1:55:26 I think that should be up to a vote there's a certain part against the cage, right on it. Yeah. You can't get trapped Different color. And so what you do is you grab a guy, That would make it about that too. He's going to kneel there. Exactly. Yeah. We're real good friends. I saw him in LA when he was just like just starting to be known. He's a nice guy, but it was just really hacky stuff.

1:58:33 it was like me and maybe like seven or eight other comics but he was bombing better than i'd ever seen Davidson. So I forget how the bit goes, He's like, yeah I'm bombing fuck it I saw him kill a couple times at the Common Connection. A lot like Kinison. it's like, we all say powerful, right? something that's hot it just becomes a part of the vernacular huge huge all that shit dude it's huge

2:01:19 But if you look at the writing, Hicks' writing was so much different. Life keeps fucking you in the ass and the one on the starving children, you want me to feed them? Why don't you feed them you're right fucking there no it's We got deserts in America, too. Because I grew up in, when I first heard Kenneson, I was living in really conservative Boston.

2:03:26 He was a total original. Yeah, they were fine. Yeah. And he put balloons that's a funny thing you did, Hedberg's style I like them all man I like them all I like that too but I like them all like Kinnison, old Mitch Hedberg How are you guys how you doing Yeah, he does. That's like a world. do you think you could really like you too They're never covered, right?

2:06:48 They have to be. God damn, that's crazy. Yeah. even if it's pouring rain. in some countries with something isn't that incredible with anything Fuck! Yes. You know, they'll just keep going. Turn this room into a real setup where you can sit down and watch us. fucking animal attack video. completely different. Yeah, what we're going to do is we're going to keep doing this every week.

2:09:52 No, we can still make it. what's really good about any sort in my opinion, they're or from a television show or whatever. 7 minute rape bit we have a guy We would always go into the back of the room and watch him when he went on stage. And they live together. Like if you look at like the Kardashians, keeping up with the Kardashians. Are they dumb? Not like Paris Hilton money.

2:12:20 I know who she is. She sits on that shit. because of her ass. That's like one That's so gross. That's a very strange thing. That's always the hard part. I may have it set up one sound feed? And we're just going to do So if there's any of you hookers out It's a way we can honor our new president, Barack Obama. yeah people get used like at three it'll be on you know it's a little bit