Joe Rogan Experience #300 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 yeah i got one thing to say first of all i got a bunch of things to say i got um i want to say And Joey Coco Diaz will be joining me and Doug Stanhope I think we can keep this simulation together, Joe Diaz. So, you know, a lot of weird shit happened this year. I mean, it goes all the way back to 1992. I don't know. SSRIs. But that connection should at least be investigated.

3:55 well i don't think so because there would have to be too many shootings there's so many in the in because I wanted to ask Joe a question. how you raise your child. He goes, when he had his daughters, both his daughters, he was very involved. Between the ages of 7 and 10, my mother was married to a very violent man. We're scared. If you see a spirit, you shoot him.

6:22 You red man? Yeah, but I didn't have a gun. Right. It means you were packing fucking a knife house, and I was still connected have possibly been able to do something So when I hear that shit, it breaks my heart. reviewed. There's a lot of people pushing shit on kids just to calm And I realized very early on that I was really lucky to find the martial arts and even though

9:46 what am I getting out of this That's all I cared about. I had to make a living I didn't give a fuck about a diploma or shaking somebody's hand. Yeah, if you can get into a community college and show good grades, it was like that was when i was 18 and all i was thinking about was competing that's all i was The fucking monkey drove me fucking nuts. I quit Taekwondo for months.

12:10 That was my first love, too, the one that fucked me up completely. She did some computer work for the government. with Donny Osmond had a show with Marie then. We didn't use any birth control. what do you think that is Joe Rogan there's fucking hair everywhere no nobody did anything about it they didn't trim it they just It was unbelievable chaos. But it is.

15:17 That doesn't make any sense to me. and things like that. What kind of girls dudes shooting loads into the same hole really yep oh yeah it's nature letting you know she's a if you're a guy, Coke haunts. College girls. I mean, I'm fucking 50. It's called the broker? Oh, Becks? Fuck. and it dried, and it did whatever. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. and I had somebody

18:37 his mid-level. clit in it It's like penis dribbles Yeah. At that time, I had to go to the pharmacy, and he goes, dog, you need help. This was in North Boulder by the hospital. Okay. Whoa, you got pussy ringworm? itching your nutsack that won't go the fuck away you ripped that motherfucker apart dog yeah i know like it promotes good flora good skin flora but that's where like kaka pooch for your fucking

21:32 probably not living thing ants no microbes yes you're allowed to eat the microbes you're gonna Oh, no, you're thinking Abercrombie. It's like, you know, someone's got to clean up the skunk shit. it's not good are you serious it's like it's like uh glendale 24-hour fitness locker room Whoever owns that store is a moron. You know what, bro? It depends whether it's a European cut or it's an American cut.

23:56 Because there's a lot of big people in Tennessee. Like Macy's. I go to Houston Doesn't it Is those fucking hot dogs You gotta stop over there When you're looking over at the dude next to you with his giant belt buckle and cowboy hat, And they brought us the Greek pizza. What was the name of the place, God damn it? Beavers. Beavers. Make up your mind.

25:59 No plastic surgery like that hag we see in the baseball commercial. Why take the chance? She's sleeping. Yeah, that was that place. Yeah, yeah. happened how it got so flooded i don't know what the fuck happens that a city can get that flooded That was the only hotel. to go back there with you Come on, man. We were like, we're done. That was the first Rogan Board circle jerk.

29:08 What's that? Dolomite's the pimp. You've got to get something, even like a protein something. What are you doing, an hour? You know, but a third set, you're like, Comedy is a lot of fun lately. Like I actually miss getting on a plane. Even a little flight from burbank to san jose you know i'm saying like on a thursday That's important. Have a nice exit

31:46 They like that, don't they? more critical. not so much. I'm going to get some you a hundred bucks, and I'm no genius because I don't know much about the pill world, but He was like a fucking, you know, I've never fucked with Adderalls. I could see a person doing Adderall and doing two bumps uh-huh and just losing it i have The dude I'm talking about is much dumber and he's got a fucking problem.

34:21 Maybe it's not Adderall, but it's something – Right. the chick in Florida No, I've seen the tape. this, what do you call it, Just smoke fucking joints. He's not a big guy. The guy didn't put his hands up. Yeah, because I was a young white kid from Sacramento. What time did it happen in the afternoon? Why didn't you tell me? Delirious. by 11 o'clock in the morning in my mind i was fine i was fine i'm right they can't tell i was

37:18 That's why he walks into those places banged up like that from like fucking before. It could be that, these people are talking about. And she looked like hell. year look at her she was at one point in time like she was stupid hot yeah i wonder where I'll go out and take a walk. you need to be interesting your parents came to you so you need to study hard you know what from

39:35 There's nothing like your kid coming home at 3 and you being there. You know, in our generation, you could walk around. and be in a terrible family. But, you know what, man? I wanted to shoot my stepfather. I don't know. You know, those kids were tortured. that bully and it's not just human nature there's some shit that's going on in that kid's life that

42:26 And the guy would be like, what? I didn't have that. It changes the way a child associates with the people that are the most loving and protecting of him. Fiercely. I saw him be violent with my mother. my mom was a very, very sweet person. is you're growing up and you realize together as we really are if you really stop and think about what a shit job people did in raising

45:13 Yeah, this is December 4th, I think. Williams is accused of then throwing a lit cigarette into a family's car, which hit a it on the Seattle Street I was gonna go to Los Angeles and do it in offices I So that's something there. somebody wrote a book about I'm pretty sure that's a book about him saying what happened the Yeah, I mean, Next after Oprah.

47:45 and when I get home And the guy will do Those shows are so fucking fake. it was that was the game they would call you up and say we're looking for a guy who uh spent his like, in my house, I would always figure out these people is? People that grow up Take those spoiled kids and make them work the people that work for your parents probably listen to you because you're rich and they let

50:54 The instinct is not to man up and go, listen, I'm going to be honest with you. called the police we thought there was a bomb and you know you'll say all kinds of crazy shit to get and I've said to myself, Well, you know about His own lawyer fucked him or someone fucked him. No, that's not the same son. That's not the same son that used to come to the comedy store? No, that's not the same son.

52:44 Yeah. Yeah, they're saying an overdose, man. That's devastating to you. lot of them right they were telling me that one of those thousand oaks high two dollars a piece, it was reefer and little pills fucking batch of them all you need to do is have one kid that's uh that's down to do some h you you puke out and you go, I'll never drink It's gross Heroin.

55:43 Bath salts are amazing. Yeah, he's now in the United States, right? Yeah. There was PCP when I was in high school. Uh-uh. When I was in Boston, my boxing coach got his finger bitten off when he was on PCP so what they did was they took So he took it permanently curved so he could throw it. So he kept the finger. Your hand always smelled like feet. job. I had no direction. So I

59:25 we're not doing it here today. and I'm going to get cute. Comes up to me with glasses, black girl, 10.30 in the morning, Mother and in the middle of this she tells me that she's pregnant I remember taking the bus going, God damn. Glenn Bias. 10 people in the country and i have to get this they get they get this from the government yeah shit to the the voodoodoo Chicken and Moot

1:02:17 Just smoked that weed This might be too high to talk. Yeah. Really? in a year, we're going to have Because they said they were only going to go after people that violated both state and federal law when it came to marijuana. Yeah. So eventually one morning we're going to wake we're gonna turn the news on there's gonna be a bunch of fucking people on the street and they're gonna raid you know they're gonna take all the

1:04:32 with the medical marijuana situation is fucking beautiful. I mean, let's be honest. You go to a supermarket. like Oxnard, It's not going to be like strawberries. It was just on the floor. but they're not anymore. But you're also going to have a lot of other people. And this is what you don't there's a there's a place of vulnerability and respect to the great awe of it all that they don't really possess they have like a lens in

1:07:26 They don't get that conversation. I like them for that reason, It looks like a vitamin C tablet that you can travel with on a flight and they won't even fucking ask you. some people that are in fucking serious pain. I could tell you all this shit. you're saying you could talk to them a little deeper you could actually even catch them some You got to laugh at yourself.

1:09:32 The motherfucker? They'd either shoot him or arrest him or get him on antidepressants. that's funny you know something that wouldn't even work you'd have to fly you have to come We were talking about the other day. Let's say you got a really bad Weed and Alpha Brain together, Right. universe on an Edible. Stoned and dark and you think you're speaking

1:12:18 there was a weird feeling always just being on that stage just that was always like a like wow You're like, this is a good fucking gym. Like we were at the Ice House the other day after it was closed. it in your own imagination but when i stand in the back room of the ice house i stand there i just up the stairs at the original room. Can you feel it, motherfuckers?

1:14:37 those fucking stairs in there and then when you sit in the back and you feel the lights would go off and on and you'd hear that yeah the lights and you know it's just a I would fucking go up there, get $25 to host. When we were there all the time, we were doing Comedy Store comedy. And all of a sudden I hear There's a camera in there, and they were watching it.

1:16:46 remember that he stopped you that night? But the best is I'm sitting there Let me search you. of those fucking places. It's a pink taco now. Oh, right. Is it a pink taco now? Yeah, Yeah. The little one on the corner. on beverly is that what that is yeah we used to always go there after the improv that place is Boogily boogily and shit. And by the way,

1:18:48 Can we come too? I will. Big fucking difference. This should be something like that they sell you. thing it has to be different what's the odds but i think that one person's like aids or something i I read somewhere that someone was addicted to that spray. And it just kind of makes you go wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. and he would tell somebody and then you put it uh on the bong somehow i can't remember how to do it so when you inhale the bong

1:21:57 I've done ice. You don't know what you're talking about. Bongs are too strong. This guy had one last night that was chocolate mint chocolate i'm like all right these vape If you were going to do anything with this room, Right. Russell Peters comes here? I know I love you. He was bummed about it because, know you know twitter is so harsh you mike.com using the regular spelling and it's a free cd and it's really think it's one. But his website's mixmastermike.com using the regular spelling.

1:25:17 Russell's a sweetie. He's a great guy. I found out the other day. him like if you see russell was showing me pictures of his on his phone he's doing like And then he's got swarms of people. He really does. As far as like us, as far as like comics in Vegas so many times. You were there. my watch would attract buck angel how much you want for the watch that's the last piece to my puzzle if i put that watch on i'll

1:28:47 And what it was, 1915, women didn't shave their underarm hair. They 1915 women didn't shave their underarm hair they They just showed some women some unrealistic vision, They didn't do anything with theirs. What's wrong? You know, fuck pussy hair They would pull their underwear down All these chicks in Boston would sit around smoking cigarettes, Anti-arm hair ads

1:31:44 Those are those horrible ones. That's uncomfortably gay. off your photos meaning they can turn a profit on your so you might be able to go to like a store So unless they take a a uh you know they change But Instagram is now owned by Facebook, companies on their toes right like hackers like just the threat of someone realizing that there's own website and and it's a computer you know hooked up at your house and you have your website

1:35:14 or any photo that I have hidden in my inbox or anything that I have private So as long as they're not going to do that, I guess that's possible. I mean, where's the line that you draw? It's girls pretending to look different than they look. Right. They want to look like magenta, huge. It's probably better than Instagram. I probably will delete my account.

1:38:35 that you don't use your Instagram. you bitch yeah fuck all every time i try to send pictures through iphone i was trying to send It's fucking gross, man. Timberlake the fucking singer? Yeah, you probably can't even smell it. Don't let him. Don't let him. Was that Mitzi? Oh, really? Maybe you have a wrong password. You know what it is? That's crazy talk.

1:41:12 Oh, you like the Samsung better? I can take a burst of photos. And I know you can get it on AT&T, too. Except Bladeslinger from Garrison Games The world turns and we turn with it. But wherever I go, there you are. Brad, Brad, Brad. Why give me the fucking ear beating if he's not going to say Chanel No. 5? after it. Training disappears. Instincts take over. Do not change this channel. But wherever I fetch,

1:43:30 That was a joke one. Let's go back to the Brad Pitt one and let's examine this because this is one of the most preposterous commercials I've seen My luck. motherfucker says ever again unless they gave all that money to pregnant babies in africa The world turns. I just want you to know That's why it doesn't make any She's going to suck his fucking with it. What? What? Come on, stop it.

1:46:10 Then you hit the brakes. If it goes to pregnant, starving babies with AIDS, we'll let them slide. He's goddamn Brad Pitt. They do them in Japan because if you do Yeah, he's dressed up weird like Jim Car Carrey style almost. Yeah, and he's moving like Charlie Chaplin. that looks like joey diaz fucked big pussy in Japan. And he's pretending to pick this giant fucking sumo guy up.

1:48:52 Even the big guy from Pride couldn't pick me up over his head. Bob was never... I went to godaddy. that's beautiful that's hilarious that's How much of that Did you write Like a rough thing And they go Like in between That was fucking crazy that morning. The world turns and you turn with it. and Angelina's been pulling all the weight. Yeah. Maybe that's not enough

1:51:48 Yeah. I think that This fucking guy was a very good money boy, Joe. I mean, that just seems like so whorish. You come out, how you doing? I wear a deodorant because if I don't, I smell really bad. I get through life. I exude a lot of So I wear a little deodorant. at the house. What the fuck is going on here? Oh, this is the thing you did with Dean Cain?

1:55:00 I got a date with a fuse box. Zeus is my dad With some respect did you like working with Dean Cain Michael Gross is one of those guys I started recording it here on the studio. the acting oh his sidekick was horrendously he gets in a fight he gets in a fight in this bad and starts questioning him. What? Not Joey Meatballs, but Meatball King. Yeah, Kicking It. Yeah, Kicking It.

1:57:43 Nickelodeon knows that if they're going to put out a trailer on a commercial, Pull up the comments, Brian. This is kickin' it. Goat Boy's a friend of mine. to Walker, Texas Ranger You know what the worst thing is? It's embarrassing. with Joe Rogan and Ari Shaffir. ever. This fucking show is great Yes. It was in 2000. No, it was some other handsome white dude.

2:01:58 This guy was the head guy in the show, and they don't even have a photo of him on IMDb. Guys, that was when they tried to do original programming. A lot of truckers watch. before they started eating people's faces and biting their dicks off and shit? She was feeding it Xanax, and it was drinking wine. That probably is why he ate that chick's face. Joey hit the wall.

2:04:11 guns blazing for the I'm waiting on you Eddie's the shit. Eddie Bravo, Smoke Serpent. Who put, don't show it online. They had, it was on Jamie Fox fox's uh thing the foxhole the same one where he's interviewing What are you doing, Brian? I think it's the right amount before you go on stage. Smoke the same weed the whole fucking day. Switch this bitch up.

2:07:29 In the mornings? That indica sativa fucking grind together. Yeah, E-P-O. Yeah, it feels good to move your body around. I've tried climbing a wall and everything. to hold the poses and shit like that. Eating hashish. THC or hashish? He died from the fucking Yakuza and the fucking Chinese. Is that the main theory? I don't know what happened, but I know those movies have made gazillions.

2:10:07 Millions. Do you know where this is? Austin, motherfucking Texas. Don't ask me. Go ahead. Joey Diaz is the... I was here for the... He's exactly the producer of every single movie in the world. Now before 73 he was Enter the Dragon. Holy shit. Game of Death. Slow down. Look at this shit. Breakthrough. Look at this. Keep going.. He did Cannonball Run. Look at this shit.

2:12:53 That was our meal. Above the law. Would you mind being in this? That's not a gay voice. So what's next, Joey? I don't know. and his date for the evening. And Doug Stanhope will be on the podcast on Saturday, the day after the end of the world. I think it's my best one yet. What is it called? Yeah, you can stream it. I'm very happy. You're not getting the live performance itself.

2:16:30 That's how we found out about Honey Honey. Joe, when's the next thing that people can see of you? So that's the next time. And when are you going to release something live? I have no fucking idea. Let's do everything. What day is January 17th? It's a Thursday night. Thursday night. So that's the next time. your shit and release it the same way? Same fucking thing.

2:17:28 a time where we can, from the fucking green room, wild fucking take release the hounds as long as you're on I'm going to be at the improv tonight with Ari That's a really fun time. Hopefully, or the aliens will have landed and money will be worthless. I'm just doing it because I want to trick Cara Santa Maria to think that I'm in NASA. That's kind of cool.

2:19:31 especially early in D.L.'s career. I don't want nothing to happen to you up there Bitch, I'm going to the moon. on fucking cassette. I used to 4.30 Yeah I'm going to the kitchen Have you thought about moving to the suburbs where all people raise their babies? I thought about a lot of fucking things. that for christmas i'm gonna I'm getting you that for Christmas.

2:22:24 And you were just walking around with a gun for how long? And then one day I stopped wearing the gun and those things disappeared. You know what? and got into fights when they have a knife on me. Even when you train with fucking knives, you'll cut your hands. Not many. One time at Port Authority in New York, and this guy just get a nice leather jacket

2:24:43 stay the fuck in When nunchucks hit, everybody you looked at, instead of having tattoos, they had bruises. I've been hunting for fucking years because his new chucks had copper on their corners. Not Hong Kong Cat. he'd go to the hardware store, to the plumbing supply, Nunchucks made me realize uh about the differences in woods that's how i found out about different kinds of woods from nunchucks because you would go to like to buy them on those catalogs

2:26:32 Yeah, ebony. That's why they use it a lot. Look right there. Doesn't have sound. The video doesn't have sound. know about bruce lee i was like what's bruce lee and i went over their house they were showing me I remember being in the fourth grade at Sacred Heart School for Boys watching Happy Days on a Tuesday fucking night. Sammo Hung. There's Chuck Norris and him duking it out.

2:29:07 that destroyed America. a new door, bro. I used to wear sandals And you know he's on the phone That's who gave me the idea to hang motherfuckers. You did something with James Coburn? What's American Gun? Can you go to February 4th? Don't break my heart. That one's good, Gitas. I think I'm booked Week of February Every goddamn weekend No, no, no. Mumble, mumble, mumble.

2:32:07 That was my full gaming rig set up. Motherboard, add hard drives, whole deal. Remember setting jumpers? Because it was like if you want – I have a hard time changing a fucking flat tire. But I'm going to start doing a show live with them on Wednesdays in the Nerdist Studios. I hear the fucking stand-up At the Nerdist place? Well, you know... But they have a back room.

2:34:00 Next Wednesday? What is next Wednesday? We can do that Friday, though. Vegas. Vegas. Because Friday. That Friday. That Friday. Nope. I'm gone. Where are you? I'm in Vegas. Vegas. Let's do a powerful desk watch show Thursday night. Merry Christmas. I love you guys. Thank you for motherfuckers. Is that right? Merry Christmas. Nothing. Vegas, man. Shit.

2:35:38 happen. I never fill it in. Where's San Manuel? That's like 7 hours. Sam Manuel. It doesn't look like that. This ain't a fucking Stephen King book. We used to go out. Well, King of the Cages is a good uh i think that's tony lopez uh king of the cage is a good um what's the December 20th. Oh, it's weigh-in. The weigh-in is Wednesday. Mike Epps is going to be there.

2:38:29 Fuck fest Brian I wish you luck It's barely racist. No smoking weed before that. You're the best. Amazing. and the book I'm reading But I got a lot of people I was really impressed with Tom Green's special. just been focused on comedy yeah well you can tell you can tell if you see his last special it was We're going to get to talk about my hunting trip with him. Successfulinello's gonna be on in January. We're gonna get to talk about my

2:41:20 anytime you can, and when you see him, All right. that shows up. Oh, Tim Ferriss was on Meat Eater as well. Check out the Sportsman channel. Thank you, Tim. Yep. And we've had a great fucking time. Keep it together, and we'll see you on Saturday,