Joe Rogan Experience #301 — Doug Stanhope Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Mayans are a bust. Continue living your life with no answers. That is the answer. parallel continuum and in this life we we somehow or another got through and that's the the path we You think with all these smart motherfuckers What are you doing? We got that. a shitload of money. Dude, last night was awesome. like the fucking blue collar guys and sit around and tell stories or like something that like makes it more than

3:06 I thought you were going to meet me in the garage. we go to the 24-hour restaurant I go you get a booth it's like two in the morning and I said you He had left because he thought, oh, you said you were calling a girl. If we're doing a one-nighter in St. Cloud together. See, that's why I won't smoke pot with strangers. Definitely, I've never even touched anything

5:31 No, no. They seek normalcy in repetitive things and reoccurring themes in their life, into an ex-girlfriend that he had who had turned into a street walker wow yeah And he goes, no, I'm a comic. Yeah. She was, yeah. No. it's supposed to, like, relieve you of any of the worries of life? Yeah, she took Zoloft, and once she started taking Zoloft, that allowed her to pursue.

9:08 He was just some dude. Did I send you links? Like, I don't get it. This was back in the day when they had peep shows. Like would go to uh this was like time square like when it was really and you'd go in there. was in that was seattle oh but he's back in kansas city now he's a fucking insane person but by the uh their their sports fans like yeah they have shitty teams but they still support them

12:17 Like how fucking nice a lot of the people are there? People will tell you. like wisconsin they're fucking nice as shit yeah they're super nice yeah like everywhere you go I'm a New Yorker. We should have power. Crazy fucks. That place is going to go. can you get me a stir in the front pack? You'll probably be tropical in the next 100 years. That's the move.

14:58 Yeah, if I needed Xanax or Viagra, that would be the reason I went to – and I have a script for it now. a prescription for this, and you go, oh, I have one. But I have a prescription now, and I don't take them often enough that I have to go get the fake refill across the border. Yeah, the unnecessary asshole security slash cop guy, that is a really unfortunate aspect of our society.

16:42 he's being real or it's a part of the job or Is the clanking of my ice Let's see now Enraged than the mouse sounds while she had Me and Eddie were like that with some shows and some crowds, it didn't work touring like all right one night last night was perfect because it was a hyped show vaguely funny then they think he's you know supposed to be henry phillips and they're

20:03 goofy rock and roll bars out of a van. The guy was like, it's way better in a small place. there's something, There's something about that too. But a few of them, like Wolverhampton, still my favorite city in the U.K. and everyone you know like it's got such a bad rep but the fucking greatest fans people there's shake 1700 hands i don't even know what the i figure if they want to wait in line and they

23:34 they usually have that one guy that knows how to use every single phone You got it. Great for online, man. I could get I a little over a year And you should either, ladies and gentlemen. Get a little plug. So the fucking earpiece accident it's because you're paying attention to the conversation yes so the fucking earpiece it's all bullshit it is but you you are in the disadvantage if you can only hold the steering wheel with one hand yeah if that's the only way you can do it and if you're

26:07 And someone out there, do this. Yeah. how much of a dick am I going to feel like? dodge aspen that had the the roof cut cut off and painted lime green with a big It shouldn't just be a blanket thing. engine like you can work on it. Look at it. And he's just talking casually about whatever. Doug and I were talking about this. I thought it was like, alright, there's

30:39 people. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure that's what you're Eventually, like, I'm uncomfortable here. That was Chandra. pull pranks on people them because they have some problems with the network that make the man show look fucking like we owned it. You need someone to call. you remember when we first sat down to do the man show one of their first ideas was that we

33:21 And they sat there and looked at me like they didn't know what to say. Just at a cluttered desk. You know, that should have never happened. And the other thing was they kind of bullshitted us. Nudity will blur it out. I was like, this is perfect. It was like the network had these really silly ideas. Hang on, Dunce Helberg, our lawyer, You don't understand what that is.

36:12 And he'll approve things that might or might not be said. Leave them alone. You're not. Yeah. But the UFC, they're like a family to me, like Dana. Send a trailer. Yeah, I don't want to do that. What, am I going to go to New Orleans for a month? The fuck am I going to do? Set a trailer. Exactly. I'm perfect. What the fuck, man? things and uh like we watched one where they the oh, he's him and his friends are carrying a keg out the back.

39:36 completely staged yeah no they hired those are hired actors they don't that's funny do you uh That's what I did with Jerry Springer. it's like 1998 or something and uh he said and by the way don't talk to anyone in the hotel because Did they mail it for you? It was after 9-11 I fucking love Hidden Camera and camera was pretty fucking bad yes yeah that's uh there's not that is it what is the deal with uh

43:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he did. When you romanced him. Why? Yeah, don't do it. Oh, really? I didn't say anything. Yeah. Well, that's the problem when you have a great story, but it's with another comic, and it's pretty much his story. with jay moore though if you need help with that It's one of the fun. Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons

47:10 And they're killing it. It's going great. a fucking pussy to tell her that she has no talent all right the only reason why you're here yoko is She picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt.

48:52 musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there and uh I actually You can't sing. he should have done? oh my god that's so i went to a yoko ono art exhibit in massachusetts once when i was living was a block of wood Yeah. She's not even like hot Asian. You know? I need to make sure you're going to be around for a long time.

51:45 You take that initial infatuation and you're like, oh, convinced that there's something more that you're not giving me. I thought you meant me. It's a box of nails and a fucking she's saying Back then, actors that have great teeth I don't know who that is. He's a funny fucking dude. pub so you watch TV. that it became like. No? There you go. But when the sun comes out, we're still out of heat. We don't want to be lousy. We're shameless. We're running run low.

55:36 I like it. I didn't get that deep. I have bits that I wrote over there, and I still have to, when I'm doing them over here, have it's a smarter football really those guys don't get as much brain damage but problem with That's like that kind of weird logic. And now I wish I had that thrill of sitting in traffic. Like the key. Well, that was the thing. They would break off

58:22 in the dick. Yeah. What? Look at you. No. the man show using gets everything censored but they had no idea all the new cleveland steamer It's so disappointing that the cuss word thing hasn't worked out yet. to say, then what are you going to say That actually makes it easier. never forget this i was watching like one of those jenny jones shows and there was a girl and she was

1:01:36 He goes, if you had some pizzazz, maybe you would pull that off. that made you look nasty and when he said nasty like he knew it was coming he knew it was coming Oh, no. that were like getting it you know and then most of the people at least enjoying the discomfort Me and Becker played a bus once in our early days in the early 90s. They wouldn't even understand what Columbia House Record and Tape Club is.

1:04:43 No, it's you. I go, count. Well, just be funny. And he's like, fuck you. Yeah, you want to fucking go? I'll fuck you. Really? As he's coming in, I'm like, hi. And he's like, fuck you. Wow. He's a great guy. And he did it like that Is he in a bondage? Don't stop saying I'm into it. Wearing diapers and stuff. Trust me. I'm wearing a diaper. He said he feels better than he's ever felt before. goes it goes turns out having cancer makes you feel like shit

1:08:28 And just to get 23,000 miles in 72 hours. And so I don't go to doctors unless it's necessary Epidemic. Yeah, yeah. can't be treated that's where MRSA comes from yeah well it's in my balls and I don't really said, well, make sure you're wearing something supportive. Do they hang bad? It's like my teddy bear now. I should do a lot of things. because the whole thing is pretty fucking hilarious.

1:12:01 Yeah, I'll show you. We're wasting our fucking time here. So, you know the – And I forget what it was. What's going on? Which is 100% pure water. So I take this stuff and immediately I had to like, like just close my eyes, fall to the ground. How many pills? Do you know like a dose? Just the body. Fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. How much did you take? How many pills?

1:14:16 Who the fuck knows what your dosages are? but it's crazy because i i got to i thought your show was at a different theater last night okay sorry yeah um, that's funny One starts with a P. by Ricky Lee Jones Wait, hang on. But apparently it's fibers that are embedded in people's skin, and you can pull them out. You're telling me that the Pentagon was hit by a plane and there's fibers in her arm?

1:16:54 Morgellons. And these people, they have like scabs on their skin. problem is these things are moving and dividing and growing inside someone's skin i hate when And I've always used that argument about people who are fucking, oh, well, you pick up a book every now and then. There's so much better. He's a British guy. The Age of Self. He's fucking brilliant

1:19:28 Robert Wyatt. Adam Curtis. really interesting times you know between like like like neil degrasse tyson is like the first Boom. people you try to put red band against chaley i'll put i'll lay money on that as far as yeah whatever the fuck your guy is, He's a specialist. Your guy's not as good. My guy couldn't open the show. I never. He dresses goofy like me when we go on the road.

1:22:22 Wide shoulders. He looks just like the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He looks like a retarded Mitch Hedberg, like a misshapen Mitch Hedberg, long stringy hair. And that first guy with the fucking weird mustache, he fucking sucked. How dare you? He's in a band. That guy's a slave. Doug's just mad at me. I'm glad you heard about that organically.

1:24:36 We're only at 1,134 fucking followers. You know, I repeated what you did earlier. pulled behind his ears two shitty choices in life he really has no choice what to do with his hair Hey, he's not going to bite you. Yeah, is that? But what it is is there's a network of people that are really funny, and they're all connected with each other. Ari tells me about him.

1:27:04 You're like, this kid's green lit well we took him on the road for his first legitimate road trip I've never found anything where the audio is any good. Please cancel that. It's funny that you and I, we never would really think of, you know, with Brian and everybody attached to us, I meant like all the people that were there in the beginning of this whole craziness.

1:29:32 put hennigan against sussman because hennigan would probably crack under pressure and sussman's No, he's got one other client. Yeah, they don't fuck around. Honestly, that wasn't one of my favorites of yours. We were in the van with Junior and Carl. And that was sad. and he said that he was on a news channel. Remembers exactly what he says after a whole hour set he can tell you exactly the word for word what this guy said and the

1:32:45 about shooting cops they're not really shooting cops okay they used to be in a fucking band where I thought you were saying he was like, those kids were bad. The Susan Smith thing, that was the woman who drowned her kids. kids anyway i get assumed like people like liz winstead in that video that that shit infuriates mean she's really brilliant but she also like a lot of brilliant people she's like incredibly

1:35:10 women it's completely ridiculous and i could see the fact that a lot of people feel like there's you're making about real people in real life. Don't you understand? Yeah, there's stuff that will never not make me fucking recoil. you just seemed like nicer i've always been nice man i just look i've developed in a very go took a long time to like really and then come off of DEF CON 4 you know

1:38:45 It has a battle. Nope. Yeah, like the scratchy horny? In my 30s, even then it was still kind of fun if someone wanted to fuck you on the road and they're hot and it was quick and easy. Easy, easy. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And when you actually touch a girl's pussy – Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the fucking worst. No, no. No? I was married to a

1:43:24 And you had long, sexy hair. industry in the green room was like such a vulture you just fucking just leech off of... Is that you? Oh, yeah. That doesn't even look like you. That was 1995. Who's the other chick? Yeah, Charlize Theron in the, not Charlize Theron. Who's the other chick? This is great. That Jay Davis ran. pasture son yep yeah that place that

1:45:54 Yeah. What do you always sing? That's awesome. the fucking new man show sucks, he was yelling at me. It wouldn't have worked anyway. Oh, really? He's too busy, I think. And I said, no, I suck at it. in a couple of days. I'm going to go on Stern the entire script producing it and then doing a whole hour of stand-up every year like wow now that you're big and famous let's chat

1:50:54 Isn't it funny? You're doing the material too long. It released digitally in March of this year, release until Showtime aired it in August. You were locked into a deal, like a long-term deal? That's a douchey move, man. But again, I'm so backlogged. a shave down i tried to do 40 and i i evidently did 50 but that was like cutting out a whole lot is like a revolutionary fucking group

1:53:52 And then he said, it's so crazy that since we did the podcast, we will go to these places and perform and do these really deep, emotional songs, and you hear, Death Squad! They're out there. everywhere it's really weird and it's growing and the crazy thing is you get these like-minded funny yeah let's fuck with it on a creative level that is actually art well the in but anonymous

1:55:51 what my fucking fan base the story. Like taking exact transcripts of CDs or blog updates Because that guy is the worst piece of shit in the fucking world. You don't have to do any research. But if someone's going to be an asshole to someone else, and that's creating this influx of people who are like, I want to be an asshole so I can be famous. All right.

1:58:10 She was a ruthless cunt. you have to have people in the industry that work on these shows any fucking dirt you can email me He is now. Like, fuck, we've got to get posters. If you've got any copies of it, I would love to get it to put it up in here. For a washboard? Get a comic's headshots and put them on the wall like the old ones. The most embarrassing ones.

2:00:55 with a wicked Billy Ray Cyrus mullet holding a glass of wine with sunglasses on. uh that you're getting a strip from sitting in a booth you put orders in and you get a strip of you to be unprofessional he didn't give a fuck but he was hilarious i mean he was right in certain have Twitter until we signed up Yeah, I'm a bit liquored up. That's so normal?

2:03:53 But couches aren't that comfortable, it turns out. People like wood. Wood wood they like wood feels good If you have any illusions of how great we are at this, I know exactly the way to do this. put you on uh on on brian's network we can do that too well if you do that you're gonna get Join us. We're going to have to succumb That is all of us. Except Jamie Kilstein got thrown out.

2:06:45 You're going to have to succumb. The word is a weird word live from the tabernacle is my last one and i just didn't know what to call it i had no idea Is it a tabernacle? That guy that, did you see that photo in public and want to fucking puff your chest out and flare your ego stop no that's why you go on That's called evolution, fuckface. Look at that.

2:10:00 dexterity uh she wouldn't sign the boxing gloves that i fought her with because she said oh people Yeah, there's no pal. Bingo already has him and Joey Diaz. But this is what happened. That's what Stanoff's Celebrity Death Pool is. And so you immediately put him in your pool. of Ron Schock's death. It's 50 bucks a piece. because it's that much of a pain in the by the way how beautiful would it be if this country was so

2:13:40 Yeah, you fucks. three kids oh i can sell pot if it were legal. You know what really drives me crazy? Let's have legal gambling on illegal American servers that are on American soil. Even if it's only $10. I bet on every football I could. I have before. UFC pics? Yeah. He's busy. Everywhere he goes, he's selling out. I'm going to produce his. including up-tempo conversations people hear.

2:17:07 Everybody does, yeah. I said I'd do this podcast today because it's Saturday. Well, you have to live here. Fucking Rouse and Henry Phillips. Why would you think I would hate it? No, no. I do like to relax. How many days? You change your socks. Olfactory senses. Hoarders. The people that live there, they don't smell it because your nose detects changes in smell.

2:20:19 Yeah. Oh, okay. When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much living off the grid. I would like to. Look, I tried to do that. When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much lived off the grid. It's all solar. My bathroom's ugly as shit. don't have big bills almost everyone watches tv on the internet on a laptop and don't pay for it that look if you told me uh the one of the reasons why i moved to boulder someone told me about

2:23:14 That's what they're looking for. Neighbor Dave's wife, she's the deli manager. Nobody wants to So is that one of my favorite bits on before turning the game? deli guy. Hey, get a pen, people. You live with a woman, sir. It's a thing called speakerphone. Are you listening, See? I'm going to call you back. Brian's out there having threesomes with porn stars

2:25:58 Look, thank you. Oh, those people came to your house to watch you? anybody come over your house for football for football that makes sense if i'm in town for Okay? You have a thing about bad teeth. doesn't make you want to again look at that look at that picture her name is her name is jade We've always had This other girl, I'm talking to you about one girl, and you've got to bring up another girl that you'd go.

2:28:50 right there? No, it's a giant ass. You must have a big dick, because an ass like that means I'm only getting half of mine in it i like pussy i'm just i've always had a different idea of what fucking beautiful is well yeah well And I think a lot of that also has to do literally attractive like this attracts like you're stunning there's something about you that

2:30:42 No, I know what you're talking about. I see a commercial with a supermodel, and I look at her going, how boring would she be? Come to the Olive Garden. that only us are enjoying. We have our friend Billy Bad, who's the Joe Rogan of Alaska. to the age you're like fuck it fuck it it was the last i don't give a fuck left like fucking you know charlie sheen going yeah i fucked hookers i'm in court yeah i made him dress

2:34:04 of control thing A chica! Oh, you have a flipper arm. Like, did you remember, I don't know if you paid attention at all, but the Olympics, that Bionic man fine. him off while they're sawing his fucking legs off and i was terrified i literally like cuddled literally allowed you to go Incredible Hulk style, that guy from the redskins who was the redskins someone just died getting shot oh really fucking

2:37:38 A thousand die from drone strikes. That's going to give him more reason to live. Yes. school and just shooting children unless you're in horrific pain i don't know what was going on like just weeding out all the people that want to kill people, weeding out all the people who are sociopaths, weeding out all the people There does need to be some sort of a pragmatic like removing people like that from the population.

2:40:34 It's so gross. This is what Todd – I did Todd Glass' podcast, and this whole conversation spiraled out of control because he was – he wasn't understanding what I'm saying. that doesn't mean that the people who create a Sandy Hook person He had a bit about kids always rebel against their parents, so I'm going to be the worst parent in the world. that you're trying to control them,

2:43:42 They don't reject that from the start because children have – they don't really have a set of morals. Something to keep the listener engaged. Some people are just naturally going to write some incredible thesis. around them see themselves? I feel like the only fucking up all night. but we essentially found our own path instead of being guided that's what i was going to say is uh i i'm basing a lot of this on intervention

2:46:35 it absolutely is that's a very good point the way you just said that i really would love to breach of separation of church and state Stop it. The eyes of that show is like if someone gets brought in and the person happens to be a person who has asthma and you you don't have a All right, good. break it down in a way that's where you long for the moment

2:49:31 You're the shit, man. And she's like, I'm ready to get out of town. People don't understand. Yes. You say can't. The point is. Oh, beautiful. What the fuck? I just followed him where is Junior Stopka what the fuck Friday night people listen to this I listen to shit in a car. Well, they're probably all in fucking Iceland or New Zealand, like Dick Van Dyke

2:52:32 If you're coming, let me know because my brother That's a strong fucking lineup. bitch you don't shit i'll you don't shit what you eat or exactly that's nonsense you need to do a Stanhope Sausage Factory, what is it? You can follow Doug on Twitter, DougStanhope, at DougStanhope on Twitter. fucking... Cain Velasquez. And I think I speak for Doug. We're going to do it again in bigger places.

2:55:11 That's O-N-N-I-T.