Joe Rogan Experience #307 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! I'm excited. There would be a lot of people angry at us for what we're doing, though. I'm excited. Okay, but are we going to have money? Yeah. Yeah. Bears can suck my dick. Oh, yeah. Like chimps, same thing. They have bonobos in captivity That's interesting They're matriarchal Yeah but they fuck so much That's why I thought That no one has them He said has bonobos in captivity. Bonobos are amazing. They're matriarchal.

2:37 they cover their genitals Yep, I went and saw it. That's the only thing. Good news, everybody. But the reality is they can attack you. occupied with the hybrid possibilities of a polar bear slash grizzly bear, thank you, they had this baby polar bear it was small like and it became like you know it's probably three And they eat them. Uh-uh. I don't want to shoot grizzlies because apparently grizzlies you can't eat.

5:49 Yeah, it's a real crapshoot. Well, yeah, but apparently it's not a good-tasting fish. They always say that you're not supposed to eat carnivores because of that. It's interesting, isn't it? Think about lobster. Fear Factor when a guy had an allergic reaction. Same as a spider. Yeah, but what about all the spines? One of the things I took from that trip, being out

7:40 and hungry as shit So it was really weird. It's so harsh. and they just couldn't even do that. Well, even Lewis and Clark, when they went through that area, I read, didn't see any Native Americans. Yeah. That's weird. If you had to live there, I'm not really sure you could. value you have to harvest uh insects in the air and make mashes of them and roast them yeah it

10:35 such little foods. You had to walk around in small bands They take a net and they... It's insane. Delicious. That part of the world sucks a fat one. uh you were living in the dark for eight months how long did sam live with them for for like i The problem is you couldn't kill too many dogs Okay? There's nothing to burn. There's nothing. Yeah. Yeah.

13:21 Now they use snowmobiles. Jesus fucking Christ. Do you worry about that with your son? Sports teach you how tough you're not and how to lose, not just how to to win and mainly teach you how to do things like recognize plateaus yeah you know people always You just show up every day. Have you been successful at getting the ball into the hole? And you either adjust and work accordingly and use your intelligence to

16:01 is just be honest. Like you and i always talk about like just just don't only thing that they have. which I couldn't agree more with. with any mass shooting. something unbelievably horrific to affect a large group of people. What is it about us where we have failed as a culture so much that even we have one example out of a million like that? going to have sociopaths, it's an aberration in the gene pool, the culture, whatever, like the guy,

20:28 And they don't want it anymore because they want to be able to own these guns. Why does he have one of those? Because he's crazy. law-abiding citizen who follows rules and regulations and, you know, you're not an insane person, you're not a sociopath. Well, I mean, I own guns and I don't want somebody taking my guns away. That is not the way to handle that, by stopping people from using things.

22:03 It's terrifying. Yeah, baby. You want to feel that on your fucking seat. Yes, get a fucking American muscle car, man. He's like, you fucking... I literally got it because I didn't want to get out of the car as often. Shut your mouth. I like the feeling of my Prius was like half as much money. We got to get you doing more podcasts Come and get some.

23:56 We're tonight, actually. I was really pumped. But why would you do that? Can I stop you right now and talk about A show at the Oh, great. So it's tonight, 10 o'clock. What valley is that? It's right near Altadena. So it's not like a regular show where it's usually like sets. Move on. You're going to put my foot down. Are you in Hangover 3 also? it wasn't a movie

26:42 he kills me He already is. Like, he's just a, were you there during the taping I don't think so, because I was there. He says he did. Okay. It's a good story. Who else had one? I've never seen anybody's dick anywhere else. Yeah, it was in his mouth. balls giant balls his dicks normal I mean it would, it would probably be impressive if his balls were tiny.

29:22 are directly proportionate to the amount of promiscuous females in your area. There's no competition with like these women fucking other men their balls stay little and their dicks a little but like chimps orangutan adolescents will because I was around them constantly. not humans, under a house. that human beings You ever see Humanzy? have much hair on its face it looked that's not it it looked just pull a human z not chimp rapes a frog you fuck but they do that see what it's doing yeah no they do

32:37 woman uh and like that's when it became a problem like he was trying to fuck the woman all the time That's completely crazy. It's so it to kill things. That's why it moves so fast. That's why it has giant claws. It's so it can kill things. So you're taking away all the thrill out of life I think what they would have to do is they would have to just net it.

34:25 and then everybody we don't want to drug Depends on if Pfizer You had to poison them Throughout human history, That doesn't count. It's a contraption. It looks so real. No one would fuck a chimp. Yeah, she let that chimp fuck her. Well, it's a fucking male, 200-pound fucking adult chimp. going to lose half your face. Ugh. Do you know how prevalent that is?

37:14 out in like near Papua New Guinea or somewhere. where if a woman was, if her husband was dead, she would be burned? It was a Hindu tradition, I think. When the Soviets got to Afghanistan They were like, this is fucking nuts. committed adultery, so we're going to shoot her. So the husband took a machine gun and shot her about six times. is going on at the same time.

40:09 out of the car. It took 25 minutes before the cops came. The cops then argued for 40 minutes a choice. Marry your attacker, marry one of your attackers, or don't press charges. Somehow the What is it about people that allows them to do something like a gang rape? and i'm not saying it's indian culture you come from a part of the world whether it's your village

42:27 the problem with them is that they tend to be—they will always keep women in a certain place. glass ceilings, women are in positions of power, Very much so. I agree with you on that. It's a girl who wants help with her rent. Unless it's a new law. But it's not the Vegas County, oddly enough. Dude, it was legal up to 2009. Why wasn't that the best spring break place ever?

45:12 That she said it's porn is just like one big brothel. you just maul her all night she goes well it would have to be a lot of money to keep me away from the Somebody's cumming in your girlfriend's mouth? Yeah, no, that's not. You're trying to pretend that you'll. Or she does want to have sex. they want to give you affection you want to give you affection. You want to give them affection. It becomes mutual. And then for some people, it's just like,

47:18 Because now, also, you could be 16 16. I used to do a lot of gigs in Rhode Island. Rhode Island. his brother was the mayor. them killed. Like if they would turn on when you look at artistic rendition was about his wife looking into them really bored yeah the guy ran a crime empire forever and then all of a sudden he's hanging You know, why stay in Santa Monica?

49:59 Get a nice place near Cabo. anything about smoking pot in public place the law does not allow that so you And you could go there, but you had to pay for a membership. You give them 20 bucks or whatever the fuck it is. So what they're going to do with this Colorado thing is they're going to make it so that you're a member. And you also have to be careful of agent provocateurs and all sorts of different

52:12 to make sure that people don't make drugs illegal. he quit the force and was actually discharged. It's cool, man. dumb, young, living in the South. Yeah, I would have done the same thing. to. Thought he was going to sell him some more weed. You're just like, you found a hole through the system and it hasn't been made illegal yet. There was a kid who was arrested in Florida.

54:27 twat, she got close to this kid cunt. And she thought she was just doing her job. It probably was confusing to him. He didn't know she was 25. Yeah. But nobody got arrested. I think the underwritten law is, look, you can sell drugs, Boardwalk Empire? that chicken actor fucking ass off she might be the best female actor on the planet earth really I don't know what's going on. Why is there so much

57:27 People are like, I'm going to make TV. If you're doing a TV show, you can film it somewhere. Yeah. That's fine. which means you're doing the same thing the little kids movie with Kevin, by the way, it's great. He had just been in Lincoln You can keep you, your wig, your character, and your fucking movie. You know Ice Cube. It was good. and I talk to him about California politics.

1:00:26 He died at 30 and actually committed suicide at 30. Some of the, not the older books, I read every book that he ever... The Conon books were great. and he would stand there and he looked up at the giant with with his his You want to fuck around? Yep, he was. Yeah. Yeah, I forget what it's called. He looked like he was a pretty good Conan, Is he? Or the movie, rather, was sponsoring the UFC.

1:03:35 He goes, I think Cain's going to maul him. picked up and thrown on the ground by that guy. And keep fighting like such a – what a stud. that's right it's because your system is in full panic mode you just got hit with a piston from a 240-pound Mexican. and then dumps you on your back, He got cracked with a couple big punches. He was starting to throw some dangerous punches.

1:05:39 We've seen that. That's right. But, you know, and he's a 6'5", 250, and just a sick athlete. When was this? heart by Fabio for surviving. Glover's legs go like rubber, and he's like reaching forward to hang on. That's why I just love watching it so much. Can you bring him up? with a broken arm this is the cop yeah yeah his left arm is broken and he hits

1:08:53 the guy was built like that he just won todd duffy just won he um he looked fucking sensational did You cannot just be a jiu-jitsu guy. Yeah. beat Josh Barnett, which is gigantic. It's very difficult to fight 82-inch arms. Because like a guy like John a big part of his game is kicking you and he kicks you from a place where you can't even But he had an issue where he tried to cut weight incorrectly.

1:10:59 And they are really rolling the dice. He's a big dude. Yeah, he's By the way, guess who I'm having on my podcast? Man thoughts. it's just a little too contrived he's smart on fans What did you call before that? The Questions with Brian Cowens. Yeah, like Ari Shaffir I got a lot of questions for him. you'll have some good conversations with him, I'm sure.

1:13:12 If you were only like a history guy and you were only talking about only history, He has one of the greatest stinky pussy, stinky feet stories ever. You know, you're like, ah, fuck it. It's happened to me. I still can remember it. It was thin, but it was there. I haven't thought about that in a long time. Wow. But I know me. I think I'm gonna throw up.

1:15:35 Sometimes you gotta check the backside. Yes. Women didn't shave their pussies That's not true. She's like Norwegian or some shit. She's a girl Yeah in Athens I was in fourthth, 5th but I went back one of the greatest trips because they were Italian, French and you've been to Vegas and I've been to Vegas and Rhode Island and I've never seen more beautiful women in my life. Really? In my life. Because they were Italian,

1:17:19 for attention. Did you? Vegas has 24 It's over. earthquake. when a guy named Randy Couture had his first fight, I think. That was when Vitor was like 240 pounds. He's a stud. he was so big into the women's division now. is she from? as a guy I'll take the beating But I gave that ghost up I see what they can do to me. Yeah. You'd have to be really worried about...

1:20:56 She's got a boyfriend who's an MMA fighter. I don't like seeing girls hurt each other. And her mother raised her to be a judo champion. there's certain moves man it's really funny but the way you can relate it is tying your shoes That kid's a stud. I mean, unbelievable, unbelievable fight. But one of the things GSP does is, I think what makes him so good is he'll find out where your strength is

1:23:06 is my favorite. I'm not doing a gig. the night before. a whole lot of new material yeah and now in the middle of us Yeah, it was good, and we're coming up on our 100th episode. Yeah, he edits. I think he's truly the most, Well, there's two problems right there. He can do anything anybody out there can do as well or better, I think he's... I'm just telling you, man.

1:25:40 It's really fascinating. Language and Media Wars. Time Warner dropped Current TV. Well, the problem is that, like we always talk about, Yeah, and I hope that's not happening with news, but it seems it is. someone said something, and someone said, It's supposed to be unbiased. they came in and said 60 Minutes for the first time The option? I don't know the option. Not all of PBS sucks. I do, which sucks a fat dick. The option?

1:28:53 You don't love NPR. NPR that's exciting because they don't have to compete so they're not interesting So you get bumper sticker, very kind of periphery ideas When it happens, they need to go podcast style. Are you okay over there? and if you're enjoying this conversation with Terrence, Well, no, but that's literally a week out of every four months.

1:31:05 Yeah. My new decision is now I try not to have an opinion unless I've read at least two books on something. He's got different ideas about it. There are so many different perspectives to look at. We're in Australia in 1982. Another was the type of weapon you can actually get. automatic machine gun unless you have a really intricate license and go to a lot of stuff you

1:33:59 If you like hunting, get a new hobby. And somewhere along the line, again, like I said, the real issue is mistaken and overlooked. Yeah. They took out all their neighbor's house of smithereens too and killed the neighbors crazy fucking assholes and by the way they didn't think they could figure this stuff The actual story is mind-blowing. Some people really fuck up.

1:36:26 The other thing they were doing and then get you Yeah. People didn't know how much shit was videotaped until they tried a few of those lawsuits. In another way, it's like, you know, Yeah, the cops. You've got to go through all these channels. I'll fall fucking shoot anything. I'll shoot a human in a deer suit just let me let me open fire on to bring up polygraphs well because they don't work on sociopathy. They stay really calm.

1:39:03 With Bernie Madoff, they were saying that after it was over, Yeah. You crushed people's dreams. what he had in his mind, I've never seen creepier looking people in my life. I try. Blah, blah, blah. Their bodies are all soft and shitty from chasing that dream Oh, fuck yeah. I was like, I'm not friends with you anymore. I was like, how about I punch you in the face?

1:42:06 I go, oh, merci beaucoup. I literally... That was the last time I ever fucking saw I'm a hat guy now, apparently, because I'm on TV in L.A. I'm not that guy. Take the fucking hat off right now, or I can't, I'm so proud of you. Take the fucking hat off. try to go deep with us. They don't know what the fuck they drop significantly. He hadn't No. Wild pigs, there's a season.

1:45:07 roll them down the window and shoot them out the window. No problem. In three weeks? Within three weeks, it starts to to happen their hair starts to change their tusks grow and their nose extends and they said that was about hogzilla was one of those. That'll be a short hunting trip, though. The whole thing sucks, eating that shitty food. We're in five days of this.

1:47:56 Well, you have, I don't know, I'd say more. acres yeah that's not that much and in 200 acres there's a gang of deer in there and you wander No, no, no. you know, that stuff. He went every year. hunter you know some people they just go wander through the woods well hope a deer shows up so i we smell like killers yeah we eat meat yeah when it's my meteors a deer can really smell that and

1:50:59 Like you can smell bad pussy. that a skunk releases from his ass is really not It is. Yeah. And there's a great deal of information in that. me interacting with you I can exhibit schizophrenic behavior, He goes, she doesn't smell like anything, dude. It was like, I don't know, man. Pheromones or whatever that is. knew the guy a little bit she went on a date with this guy like three times and

1:54:26 You know? And I was like, look, I don't have an opinion. But there's a lot of people that don't buy anything that he's saying when it comes to HIV and AIDS and death. Whatever his name is. is that you somehow give him legitimacy? but I didn't see enough... Those same organizations he's also arguing with, And now he's got an absolute point. cause AIDS. What causes AIDS is you can have the HIV virus in your body if you live a healthy

1:58:03 because that's the only way HIV exists in your system. Berkeley, rather. called black people's fazzas. It's like, you know, Do you really? I want to be Nick Diaz. You want to be everybody but yourself. I want to be Alexander Carellan salsa dancer. You want to be everybody. That's what I do. You don't want to be yourself. That's all it is. It's a lot of work.

1:59:51 It's fucking... Would you be Bono, would you be? You know, you're super lucky. There's a lot of weak bitches that do that type of guy but there's a lot of weak bitches to the best of your ability that said that barely get through and feed themselves. the point is you're saying that, you know, I shouldn't be taking credit for anything that I've done and that I just got lucky.

2:01:32 So self-serving and so stupid of course it is it's also giving him It's also letting himself off the hook right it's suggesting that that luck is all chance I don't know, your whole family, God forbid, dies in a fire, there's look, maybe they got more opportunities than you did or than he did, but maybe they got Barring health issues, which many people occur, which can fucking completely blow up any plans that you have.

2:03:05 It doesn't necessarily mean you're a loser. Managing how you think about the world, That's right. Both of them were named Jimmy. By the time we were 18, this motherfucker had a truck. martial arts competitions and stuff like that i still i i knew dudes that worked hard and i i felt I always had an image in my head of i think that's really important i think that i would say what

2:05:42 Some people definitely get stuck in a rut. That can certainly happen. Just the conversations that we've had on this podcast But then I know that I was on to something or getting nutty about washing their hands, yeah and Will Sasser I'm cleaning it and he took that picture why was he in the shower yeah that seems? Because I was going, look at my butt. I'm cleaning it.

2:07:32 That's a dense. Dude, she's gorgeous. Yeah, and so what happens is there's this preemptive – it's called preemptive living, ironic living, the idea of I've already failed at it So I'm gonna poop who it not really try hard and trying hard and being direct and with what you want is considered very gauche It's nothing wrong with tattoos, nothing wrong with dressing cool.

2:09:28 They're more thrilling, fulfilling And all you do is you can come up and say, without any provable lottery-style version of luck that must have bestruck you, Okay. Okay. They had a 10 minute Why did she say that? and if they don't have conflict as something to push against, Yes! we didn't want to go. ropes you in. It hijacks cunts their wives are and they're fucking bailing on them in the middle of the show.

2:13:26 If Kelsey Grammer leaves you, he's a really nice human being. interested in me she was looking at me like i was a spore but i had done well how'd you get her out And he had seen it. Yeah, and cut it is cut it. We used to call it. No one And, by the way, I got laid on the side of the fucking PC. Yes. No. Yeah, and he looks creepily like him, Here he is, Brad Pitt, brother.

2:16:19 So he's like, no whore breaks up with me. And they would drug girls and gang rape them. video and in the video that they just released, You got to pull the video up because it'll shock you things I've ever seen in my life, man. and laughing. joking about gang i got it gang rape yeah The video was allegedly posted on YouTube the night of the incident,

2:19:27 So far, two football players, Trent Hayes and the Lakers. Let's go to Brad Pitt's point. They go after shit, man. They contacted the police. isn't it someone's fucking responsibility who has power to do something? It's unbelievably sick but when you see somebody fucking a 10-year-old You go, hold on, hold on, hold on. Boys don't know what they're doing.

2:22:10 I think it's usually a couple, one, two, three really bad kids the reason, you know, young... That's not true. and they're not getting the proper guidance We established that. There's no way. That's interesting. discipline and the things that are involved in in competing in that sort of just how does someone raise a son that's capable of doing that to a girl i mean is it growing up

2:25:34 and because of what Anonymous has done and exposed all this, act of violence so so whether it's the girls the target or some guy walking down the street who's a different color or wearing a weird shirt that mob mentality with young guys happens a lot has I fucked her in the end. Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man. I just think a lot of times it can also be like a level of compassion.

2:27:28 what are you trying to do man? when you look at that kid right now at 17 his life is done i don't think i don't how do you It's like we've we gotta figure out a way better not worse and i would suggest the world is less brutal in that regard than it used to be I'm just saying that it's interesting that you have people there that want to laugh too, kid's household, if I had that kid's dad, if I had that kid's mom and that kid. Could that have been me? If I grew up in that kid's household, if I had that kid's dad,

2:30:17 She's drunk. what's a true story, where're 17. You're a fucking retard. There's a part in my act, that everybody is exactly the same at the core, I would have your experiences and your genes and your... Instead of that guy, But that's abstract. held accountable the same way you're held accountable which is like what i was saying face as hard as i could i was in a fight i really believe that in that moment i was trying to kill

2:33:27 There's no question about that. about also. That's part of the thing. They can get used to a lot of fucked up, and his only friend is the internet and and they built these huge structures where everybody was anonymous, it was much easier the connective force of the internet, um i don't know man i i think that when you're not having real connections with human beings it can probably

2:37:10 I mean, some people have giant dicks. Fuck yeah, it does. it's not sex that's making you addicted, Will being appearing? That was so smooth. So go see them. Kevin Christie. So this is like a small VIP show. House next Friday night, the 11th. Really, really interesting stuff. Me and Brian, we hang out together more than we've ever hung out before because of this.

2:39:37 And you can get that shit on iTunes, along with the 10-Minute Podcast, which is one of I'm going to Vancouver, man. There used to be Yuck Yucks. It's so fun We will see you all Oh, Duncan Trussell's going to be on next week. Get better.