Joe Rogan Experience #311 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! He's a master at using a fake Super huge, great response for the podcast, Dia said he got mad at Ralphie May once a planet there's somewhere out outside of uh pluto that they believe might exist into jupiter that much you know i mean i kind of yeah if the moon didn't exist then one day above you was a fucking moon. Yeah, some new thing has invaded their atmosphere atmosphere and it's floating above their planet yeah

4:11 that's the real question are you willing to die in space that wouldn't be bad to die in space What, the docking station? I think there's probably a bunch of options on the table. There's going to be a lot of people going mad seeing the whole earth there and like oh oh there's clearly no You have no control over the fucking buttons. I'd rather have that than a seat cushion

6:23 That would make sense. You're not going to be able to breathe. Yeah. Do you think there's any chance people will let you back there? Buoy thing-a. There's the picture. I met somebody photoshopped the writing in. There are floating letters talking mixes like videos together and oh yeah yeah yeah let's throw one out what is uh They ain't going to make it.

9:41 Good job, guys. That's easy. And he has a whole bunch of different ones. scott pilgrim this is him mixing ludicrous hello with the scott pilgrim ludicrous music video and voices and i don't know how to feel about mashup songs some of them are It was that under pressure riff. Yeah. No. Sometimes it's awesome. Fuck yeah. He did that like 15, 16 years ago.

13:55 Was that all that? But then Aerosmith did that Walk This Way. Yeah. He breaks through the wall to where the rappers are. They would have beat the fuck out of him, man. I guess so. And you've got to make sure that you have friends They just get weird. I'll show you a man without a heart. majority when yeah when there's more than a you know a small percentage of hippies when they're

16:52 Like young just sitting there like sitting there with like asking for money. It's amazing that you're even sitting there and that you wrote, you know, please help, right? yeah a life of in the reality of the world i'm sure that my next meal find its way to me i don't But when it got annoying, I'm holding a baby you just decided to be homeless you get cash from the government but you're just like, nah, something to do. Just have some money. You just decided to be homeless? Because you get cash from the government. But you're just like, no, no, not homeless, but just the begging.

19:43 And I don't mean in a materialistic sense. Really? to keep growing and you're not challenging yourself you're hanging out with your wife that will probably help you travel man as opposed to just being next door to somebody who's just there. and he's like just move like it was like an hour and a half you know the Nevada desert you can get a whole acre for $180 okay But I had to live there. Jesus. It's not just like – What an idiot. Wait. I'm like, I'm not going to live there.

22:50 I met this guy in Vancouver or something. It's not like, oh, get away from everybody for a little while and then it becomes your life. I think it's this, I need people with some people that could be 10 days. You've got to have people around you that are stimulating. Them shits are important in your life, okay? And I never really – I kind of didn't understand that even though I was doing all those things.

25:35 dollars you're still just trying to make a good painting yeah if you're doing it the right way I'll think about. Oh. i'm saying this again you have some new way and or it could be this and then you all of a sudden yeah that's how you find things that's how i vision goes down 20%. You don't understand my mentality, bro. i fucking never get sick what do you live in a plastic bubble you fucking cunt

28:55 I love that. if they've never tried it. Campbell's soup? But now everything was blue. Yeah, maybe. You can learn a lot of shit about the history of it. I can't, like, well, what about right now? Oh, yeah. I'm like, what are you talking about? can get it probably just a dumb person oh no no no no no no no it wasn't stone Listen to yourself. Hey, man.

32:42 Brian, do you smoke weed with strangers? What's Ari's new movie? Your favorite When trouble rises Fuck, was that the guy from ShamWow? Probably has coke. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, man. Yeah, sure. Here. This is crazy. The sketches you did looked like they were with real people. Yeah. Freak with the thing. Did they accept it? What did you tell them?

36:12 I know who you are. boat thing is in santa monica oh dude dude Dante the comedian? Just me. What did you think? it was really fun to watch yeah it was like the life of pie everybody tells me the life of pie and I went to sleep. he lived on a boat The tiger's starving and will not go for him. The idea that he could fight that tiger off even temporarily.

39:08 Can you imagine being in a boat and a hamster is telling you that it's going to eat and you're not going to get to eat? Not only that, the tiger was hiding in the boat for a whole day. there's got to be Together we will survive. crazy shit about adam carolla i don't know if you heard about it. And they're suing him, I believe, I continue to say girls aren't funny.

41:24 That's what it sounds like? You can just sue. They've entered license agreements with Sirius XM Radio, Kobe, Samsung, Amazon, Motorola, and some others. Yeah. So I don't think I'm responsible for a fan-made app. They're making something for free that other people can enjoy. My god. it's very creepy oh my god it's real it's a no hate thing oh god i hate that thing i'm a little

44:06 look so gay in this photo? That's just how they shot it. and then everybody's like i want that too but it's not not supporting the thing it's about being no hate on their face they're're dumb. It's just – I think they would suffocate in trendiness. There's no hate. Ever. Well, we wish Adam luck Condos. to promote my special Oh, really? beginning people skip right over that shit yeah but but so what that's fine too so what you know and sometimes they don't and by the way the

47:31 you, Rogan Diaz, the good news about the doug stanhope trial by the way that's fucking awesome what's the judge He had video of him doing what? Yeah. They somehow or another got him to meet and do the interview where he accused him of uh i was at that recording a sexual predator I don't know, but that's so fucked up, man. I'm sure. He's just admitting to the thing he did.

50:34 You really think? Child molestation? It does not apply to everything. Hey, but it was 10 years ago. didn't they? It was something early on where somebody Yeah, it's a weird sort of a myth that you have to tell someone if they ask you, are you a cop? A completely joke. As long as it's a good crisp one, you could have a complete game changer. 18 000 people it looks like a ufc he's doing massive places it's crazy good for him man yeah

53:43 that especially did when he had all the celebrities come up. The honest way. trailer oh really well that's his whole thing is yeah it's got to be the pressure has got to be unimaginable to grow up in that pressure yeah to the mother it's gotta it's not when they're everyone's healthy right but everyone's healthy Brittany Murphy is molding a lot this week.

57:03 Yeah. And then when I go to the Midwest, sometimes my drug stuff, I'm like, oh, you guys aren't going to get my. She died in a bathtub, didn't she? Yeah, cold medication. Hydrocodone. I have no idea. Let's Google it and see what L-methamphetamine is. Okay, no, no, no. That's not meth. We have a professor of biology, a heavy- duty phd dude who's down for the program

1:00:27 He said, guys, that's a girl that's clearly got a problem. Can anyone watch Jay Leno anymore? That's good. than you say. Wow. It's a nice thing to lose any money, though. He fucking loves it, though. You know what I'm saying? Yep. Yep. Yeah. It's just, you know, that job is not that. and then bring out the people that are selling books. how many fucking people would be excited to do that it's a tiny fraction of the world's population

1:03:45 least do some calisthenics like i think maybe some jumping jacks or something like really actually I need more preparation No, well i thought like a suit like a fucking master on and a cape i wear a mexican mask and a and a meet a guy in comedy and the guy doesn't do stand-up it never bothers you or even if he's bad But it's like – and like a group of golfers.

1:06:13 Can't believe Arian Foster. suicide yeah 100 precautions yeah it's a traumatic brain disorder they uh yeah it's bad but how many can you? He went to a concert, played a bunch of video games, and committed suicide. showed no signs of depression prior and they're like this can easily be caused by concussions brain breaks and then they can't get Untouchable.

1:09:53 went down in that first round Chuck was just so tough yeah you couldn't stop him the consequence of that so the body would shut itself off early so when he would be getting you Broke Rich Franklin's arm with a big kick in the first round. So that's what happens according to him according to Chuck and he would know better than anybody that makes sense

1:11:54 But I think it really varies. I was always getting hurt. Yeah, I was always doing stupid shit high up. Well, when I was a kid, man, before I We both did it. When you're a teenager, when you're 14 years old or whatever the fuck we were, you're just You know what you do that with? You're no ways in love like when you're 15. How old were you? Well, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend was not a virgin at the time.

1:15:27 I'm going to find out... Also, people on Twitter, a lot of people were going crazy That's not – I don't think – or Vicodin is an opiate? once and i had i don't like it i don't like it yeah we talked about this we both don't like It won't let you shit at all. but i mean i like when i'm in pain to cover the pain but then it's like i won't be doing anything

1:17:45 me that a sheep can get pregnant from a fucking dude son of a bitch can't but there's apparently Can a human impregnate an ape? It's really, really unusual. Uh-uh. I say no. Oh! He's got no hair on it. Yeah, look at that. Spike Lee? So if a fetus is born. Yeah. They tried to do it in the 1920s, but it didn't work. Would you be okay with, like, taking a trip to go watch him?

1:21:22 Okay. Kill me. I need to watch that again. chaney yeah you know you're boris karloff you don't go the new one yeah you don't go to fucking He was so good. Yeah, Geena Davis. He impregnated her with a half fly thing? seen it in like 10 years but i remember it was a fucking awesome movie because i was always like Yeah, it's amazing. What? We didn't know what it was back then.

1:24:03 Oh, did he? Mm-hmm. but I guess that would be implied What year was this? You're making me wear this shit. But do you see it at all? It seems like they're stealing a bunch of shit from people. The new things they're doing The battery life on the 5 is way worse. Hold on. Everyone's complaining about it. yeah i use the phone more than i use anything and anything like more than anything i own i use my

1:26:51 There's a lot of people. You gotta get a better cover. It's all about the wide hole. The overwhelming consensus says that the iPhone 5 battery life is way worse than the iPhone 4. with Verizon is I'm on AT&T. I mean, if you really need a phone, but don't upgrade, it ain't worth that 8 hours talk for the 5. On Wi-Fi, it's 10 and 9. But I live there with the 4.

1:29:27 where it's constantly searching for a signal. It's iPhone 5 and iPad mini. I think we're being a bunch of whiny cunts. It's better. It's faster. the 4S? It's better. And the 4S can't log into that anymore? And it's a great hotspot. I tell you, Joe, this is the way to go, Yeah. What the hell, man? Not with Verizon. to overtake the earth because the the their work ethic and the way they get shit done and how quickly they get shit

1:32:55 He's like, What do they think it's like in World of Warcraft What are you going to do? They would learn Chinese. speak hebrew i mean i can understand a little bit but i can't i can't you can't but you used to be Why is that? Every business owner knows English. good move oh in terms of like yeah those people that would go there like the christian missionary

1:35:15 So the Americans come over and they want to help reclaim Israel. And guess what? Uh-uh. I've been obsessed with that show, Homeland. I was not even remotely into seeing it until I did, but a lot of it revolves around him being a prisoner of war. Well, I was a little boy who sided with her and Jared Leto knew how hard it was in high school oh Whoa. 2001.

1:37:27 Yeah, he fucking, they were supposed to do that movie. I mean, I think it's probably that he's tired. and still keep that worldview of, like, we'll all be OK? It's really interesting that you say that because some of the choices that he made in his early movies, he said he would never make now. you would be the shittiest fucking parent to ever live it's nice enough that

1:39:09 Why? We got to go. They're probably not used to violence at all, so they're probably super soft. that was a great, happy movie. He's got his family there with him. and just rewrites everything There's sad scenes, but in the end, he always makes everything okay. Why would you make another Jurassic Park? I thought it was fucking great. who is? no who

1:41:45 Some guys they get better in time. Lucas. It's so cheese dickish. on to him snakes it's hot these artifacts and the first one was great. They're making a new one. What are they going to do with it? Like the Ewoks about it i'm more worried about pixar lost in star wars with mickey and minnie Fantasia. Yeah. No, that's yogi, man. What is that? They tear your muscle away from your bone.

1:46:00 Well, have you guys heard of that? They went off a fucking cliff. Guy in a giant ball hold on guy dies Chill.com. That makes it exciting. Oh, that's 20% off or just hold their dicks for two weeks. That makes it exciting. in a giant inflatable ball can be heard telling people the ball won't roll away Enforce winter safety rules. They do. Fedor smiles.

1:48:35 G. And that guy yells, don't save those people? Catastrophe? Boom! Oh my God. You're dead're dead shit one of them's dead the other had to be alive with a dead friend next to him still rolling down a hill and still probably No, I'm not going to go to the toilet. good they make other coconut water taste like toilet water i agree with that i can't even buy

1:50:36 Oh. You're the kid that went to McDonald's and thought orange drink was orange juice. This is the kids. But look at how crazy these kids are. They haven't thought this through. She's hanging. Related video. It was very funny. Your sister's hotter than you. Is this, like, off a cliff or some shit? It got so tense there. I mean, a bunch. Yeah. Way more.

1:53:45 They cut them slowly off. Oh, my God. Look at No way. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How's he up there? It's not related. It was so ridiculous. But he's not like. you know he's been ridiculous everybody came backstage It's so stupid. I'm on the highway to hell. Oh! But it's Dice doing it. Suck in my dick. It's funny when you see a guy like a Holtzman character that you immediately start laughing at when you see.

1:57:55 And I don't think indulging him, half clear out I put a booger more Jamesons saw you're a grown man you're in your 30s you having people eat your boogers drink drink my People can understand. don't drink to have a good time they drink to get fucked up because they want to escape reality They're just getting fucked up. Does he drink alone in a bar? I think if you get drunk during the day, you have a problem.

2:00:20 back from work one day and he had like some some booze at lunch on the lunch meeting and his boss Yeah. Soon enough, they'll do that in TSA. You've been in five different assaults. You been all so we're gonna do stupid we're 14 strikes. the real issue is what would happen to a person to make them grow up to be someone who could be going it's going to another part of the

2:03:22 so that people can get some help chance they will fuck up it's not even just a fucking up there's a weird diffusion of responsibility It was just some other drug they were testing. thought they were being tested. he used to do that for the government he would go and they were there's alex jones you will not take We can't even begin to You want to talk about it?

2:06:01 And you're not going to do it with a fucking six pistol. What do you think is the way to get rid of people? Because when you look at the actual numbers of human beings and you look at the actual numbers of human beings with guns to the overall number of armed people in america it's You know, and then the other aspect, of course, is poverty, people growing up disenfranchised, needing someone to belong to.

2:08:26 I think if you have a reason to have those guns, that's one thing. you have the right to bear arms the idea means that you have the right to bear arms. The idea means that you have the right to protect yourself The problem is they won't let you. And that's why people in Libya need actual machine guns to make change because they can't do it through voting.

2:09:43 You're right. I don't know how the government, as big a business as they are, would cede any control if they don't have to and they no longer have to. Do you think if you could go back and remove every great leader, every man of power, every military commander, especially military. And a hot chick who's young. But it also had to do somehow or another relating it to Benghazi,

2:11:23 And then they made up that story A web movie that most likely was sponsored and made by the spooks. Have you ever seen that movie? It's like America, World Police if it was people. It's like America, World Police when it's like, I'm an actor. the cia to try to thwart terrorism oh yeah and it makes me understand why they would want to take The man you're saying yes to today is not the same man you're going to have to say yes

2:14:04 were like and he goes, Not doing that shit. He gave in. You know, they get rid of the one guy and they're like let's get more people that's what they did in like the I wonder if they do like public speaking engagements Yeah, they throw their shoes up. With a bowl of milk in the morning, a stick in his ass. Barely. and anywhere in history and it was on a fucking cell phone camera and then hello

2:16:45 That's the way. Every now and then you got to fuck some people up because the normal pattern that people follow for whatever reason is once they get into a position of being able to tell people what to do, they separate them from those other people. But I got to see. Like right away. Okay? That was the attitude of all the people that worked there as security.

2:18:47 They're going to do the same shit. It's not their fault individually. When I tell them to go fuck themselves, they're just doing their jobs. It's not their fault individually. You're allowed to do whatever you want. yeah the ones they didn't test but they were just like i will take the word for it of the guy who It's a good idea. you're close to space you're closer to space by what is it i mean what is 30 000 feet was that

2:21:00 There's radiation in trees. is a radiation reader and see What I've read is that it's more. And then someone's going to be stealing watches and shit there just like they do at TSA. out just like the priest that's the worst thing that'll happen to them is they're out i guess Either way, I don't steal, so why not steal while I can? job that they could get so raise your hands this is what i always say i can't raise my hands

2:23:48 That's how you talk? He gave me, Rogan gave me 20 bucks. But they're just doing their job. And most likely you don't have bombs. And so because some monkeys want to go on a bomb. It's all reactionary to a time we were in. They're always the ones that are always sitting on the plane before you. told you yeah fighting for freedom i want to see my gun zip oh that's not my gun but you could hold

2:25:56 Everyone died anyway. I'm saying as opposed, and then it turned to shit. guillermo labrinth what is he labrinth labrinth that's one of those words that i never say i only Oh, that's what it is? oh yeah i'm supposed to get that guy on your on your podcast as well yeah don't keep telling me I was right. Oh, you're super stoned. Not everybody's going to be fine.

2:28:42 Yeah. But to a lot of people, this is like a once a week thing, once every two week things. and you concentrate Or he's like Yeah he's like And Ari, I think, Ari, you weren't smoking weed back then? About a month. I got this big care package, too. I should just leave. figure out what the hell they're gonna do in washington state now and in colorado because

2:31:23 Selling it is the issue. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Well, listen, man. There's a Budweiser plant in Van Nuys. It employs who knows how many people. It can help – I mean if we have – oh, there's a big weed farm here. That is so possible. I love you. get the greatest feelings ever something no i have i have i've actually gotten like sleepy after This stuff that he gets is from a single source.

2:34:47 Grass-fed butter is butter that comes from grass-fed cows. but they're far more lean, like people who are athletes swear by the effects of grass-fed meat. Yeah. Like the butter that you get from a corn-fed cow is kind of sick. The meat tastes different. I was like this little pussy ass salmon. Salmon? Oh, really? Tastes better. Oh, delicious bug juice.

2:38:09 It better be good. yeah yeah apparently it's unbelievably good. They're full of meat. Black bears get into suburban neighborhoods like a place where like Jim Brewer lives and shit like that. where they where they had tried to lure a bear into their tent yeah it's so great those were Snap. He's so crazy. and then they I don't They got Tom Green where it's like,

2:41:16 thank you very much, my brother. Tomorrow. Chill.com. They don't tell you what to do, what to... that platform you know you really could do whatever the fuck you want you know and i'll People come back to the second show and say the same thing. Yeah. I'll twice in a week and i don't i don't i don't usually i have Even some of the cunty shit. We're going to be in Chicago.

2:44:20 Chicago, January 25th, and then Las Vegas, Nevada, February 1st with Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joey Diaz. Yeah, it's five bucks, DRM-free. yeah yeah yeah definitely but i think this is the best one out of all of them i just think i'm Also, when you care about the stuff you talk about on stage, it's going to bleed over to Some of you start off a bit on a podcast and are like,

2:46:16 And you can go to Hover.com forward slash Hogan.